You decide to call Finn because you've had no contact with him since you got here and feel kinda bad. Plus you need to make sure he remembers to pick you up from the airport tomorrow. Part of you wishes that he doesn't answer. A simple voicemail would be easier. But when he does you both say hi awkwardly and you remind him that you're coming home tomorrow.
"Oh okay," he says like he forgot. You know he probably did.
"And when I get back," you pause. You feel the need to give him some sort of foreshadowing as to what is going to happen when you get back. You scratch together what's left of your courage, "We need to talk."
"About what?"
"I don't want to talk about it over the phone."
His voice lowers and he answers, "Oh." You know he know what it's about and you feel bad. You wanted to tell him in person. You honestly didn't think he'd figure it out this fast. Finally he speaks, "Do you want me to call the attorney or do you want to?"
Tears form in your eyes blurring your vision as get up from the bed and move to the window. You stare at the street below. You don't want to be divorced. It makes you feel like a failure. "Whatever you want."
"Do you have his number?"
"His card is in my desk. Top drawer on the right," your voice cracks and you're angry at it for betraying you.
"Hey," he tried to sooth you, which only makes you feel worse, "We both knew it wasn't working. I'm glad that you finally said something. I want you to be happy."
"I want the same for you," you answer honestly, "I'll always love you Finn."
"I love you too," he says with a quiet solidarity that you know is true.
Tears fall down your face and you try to sniffle as quietly as possible. Finally you let out a long sigh, "I'll be back in Lima tomorrow and we can talk about the details."
"Okay," he answers, "I'll pick you up."
"You don't have to."
"I know."
"Thanks Finn. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay. See ya."
You hang up and sink back onto the bed. You pull a pillow down and rest your head on it. You need to sneak to the bathroom and try to make it look like you haven't been crying, so you can enjoy your last night in New York.
But you have to do something else first. Word travels really fast in Lima and you want your mom to hear of your divorce from you and not from her hairdresser or the guy that walks his dog in front of her house.
You pull out your phone for the conversation with your mom that you really, really, really, desperately don't want to have. You don't want to disappoint her.
When she says hello you answer with, "Mom I'm getting a divorce." You didn't mean to say it like that, but you had to get it out before you avoided it.
There's a pregnant pause, "What?"
"I'm getting a divorce." You repeat evenly and slowly.
There's a moment of silence that's killing you. When she finally speaks you're startled because you were going through every doomsday scenario you can think of, "Are you still in New York?"
"Yeah," you sit up and swallow hard, "Are you mad?"
"Of course not. I want you to be happy and it's been evident for a while that you're not happy." She goes on, "Did you meet someone in New York?"
"Wha- No mom," you shake your head even though she's not there to see it. "I just…found some perspective."
You can hear her moving around and a door open and shut. "Mom what are you doing?"
"I'm on my way to you sister's house," she explains. There's another pause, "Are you keeping the house?"
"No," you've already had this divorce in your head. Of course you never get past putting all your things in your car and driving off.
"Where are you going to live honey?" she asks softly, "You know you're always welcome to come home and if you don't want to live with me, I'm sure Frannie would love to have you over."
"I'll figure it out mom," you glance at the clock and realize that you've been in here a while. The girls are waiting for you so you tell her, "I gotta go mom, but I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay Quinnie," she lets out a sigh, "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah," you nod although again, she can't see you, "I'm just going to hang out with the girls tonight."
"What girls?" she asks as you get off the bed and look at yourself in the mirror over the dresser. Your eyes are pink around the edges, but that's the only sign that you've shed a tear, which is pretty good for you.
"Santana and Brittany," you lean forward and brush the hair out of your face, "And Rachel Berry."
You can hear her car start and you're about to tell her to hang up so she can drive when she asks, "Rachel Berry? Like…" you are her shuffle some things around and wonder what she's doing, "Like Rachel Berry from the Broadway Cares charity album?"
"Probably," you smile a little. You're proud of Rachel all over again. "I went to high school with her mom."
"You did?"
"Yeah mom," you chuckle. "You watched her perform more than once."
"That was her? Oh my god, Quinn she's outstanding," your mom gushes.
You walk to the door of the bedroom and open it. Brittany, Santana, and Rachel are all on the couch watching TV. "You know mom she's right here." The three look back at you and before any of them can say anything you ask Rachel, "Do you want to talk to one of your biggest fans in Lima?"
Rachel let's out a wide smile, "Sure." You have a feeling she'd want to her fans wherever they are.
"Here she is," you hand off the phone to Rachel who walks toward the kitchen with it.
You take Rachel's spot on the couch and Brittany's head is immediately on your shoulder. "Who is that?"
"It's my mom," you answer and wrap your arms around her.
Santana eyes you over Brittany's shoulder. There's something accusatorily in her gaze. She holds your eyes and says, "Hey babe can you get my black purse?"
Brittany nods and gets off of the couch, dropping a kiss on your head and one on Santana's lips before she disappears into their bedroom.
"Why were you crying Q?" Santana whispers.
Your eyes drop to the ground, "I…I called Finn to make sure he remember that I'd be coming home tomorrow and now we both know we're getting a divorce."
She studies you for a moment, "Do you not want to?"
"I do," you cautiously take her eyes, "I just…It hurts you know? I mean…my life up until now has been…"
"Sucky? Shitty?" she asks a wicked smile on her face, "A farce?"
You playfully push her, "Yeah that."
Brittany reappeared with Santana's purse and sank onto the couch between you, "No fighting." A giddy smile plays on her lips while you and Santana giggle on either side of her. You love your friends.
Your ears tune in Rachel who is pacing in the kitchen, smiling. "Why thank you Ms. Fabray…oh no it was my pleasure…We should have coffee next time I'm in Lima….again it was my pleasure. Thank you….goodbye." You turn to look over the back of the couch at her as she catches your eyes. She shakes your phone at you, "You didn't tell me that your mom was a Broadway aficionado."
You watch her as she walks to the couch and sits down next to you, barely squeezing in. Her entire side is presses up against you and for a moment you lose your breath. You force your brain into motion and shrug, "I didn't know."
"So," Santana focuses everyone's attention, "Are we ready?"
"Always," Rachel grins and gets off of the couch. She offers you her hands and you take them. She surprises you with how easily she pulls you up. Once you're on your feet her hands are gone from yours and her arms are around your waist.
Her affection always amazes you. You've never been that affectionate and you're not sure you know anyone besides Brittany who is. But you're thankful for it nonetheless.
As you all file out, you lag as much as you can and grab Brittany's hand. She smiles at you and squeezes you hand. You walk a little slower being Rachel and Santana who are debating about taking a cab or walking.
"Brit," you quietly say, holding her to your side.
"Yeah," her smile fades and her eyes start to probe your face for what you're going to say. You can't stop a glance up at Rachel to make sure she's not listening. When you're sure she's not, you see that the wheels in Brittany's mind are grinding as faster than usual.
Your heart starts to hammer because you're scared she's figured it out so you spit out, "Please, please, please Brit, anything you may or may not notice about me and…anyone else, don't tell anyone. Even Santana."
Her eyebrows furrow and her lips scrunch to one side. She seems to understand, but you feel like she's debating with herself about what to say. Finally when you get to the stairs, she nods, "Okay."
You let out a hopeful smile, "Thanks B."
You're usually exactly sure how you get into every situation you're in. Mostly because it's your own doing, but how you ended up on a pier overlooking the Hudson River is beyond you. You and Brittany started doing shots and then Brittany wanted to dance. So you willingly went when she drug you to the dance floor, which wasn't really a dance floor. It was just a small open space. You didn't actually mind that you were the only two people in the whole place dancing, because Brittany's happy which makes everyone around her happy.
However you get tired and dizzy so you both walk back to the table. You come back to sit down, but she pulls Santana up with her and they both go dance.
The second you sit down, Rachel's arm are around your waist and her head is on your shoulder, "Stay."
"Hmm?" you ask, not sure what she means by that. You pick up a drink on the table that may or may not be yours.
"Stay in New York," she whispers. She picks up her head and rests her forehead on your temple. Her breath slides along your neck and up around your ear. A shiver makes your whole body tremble. You know she's beyond drunk. She's a lot smaller than you and Brittany and Santana's liver is way more experienced than the girl at your side.
She goes on and you close your eyes. Right now it's nice to pretend that she's in love with you too. "I'll do anything."
Now you squeeze your eyes closed as tight as possible. This is horrible and beautiful at the same time. You'd do anything to keep this moment forever. You just turn to her with a sweet smile and cup her cheek, "You're drunk."
She giggles and nods, "So drunk. I didn't mean to 'cause it's your- last- last night here but," she points to the two girls that are grinding to the beat of the music, capturing the attention of every other person in the bar, "they kept ordering drinks and..." she trails off. She freezes and then looks back at you, "I don't remember what I was saying."
She's pretty much stuck to your side when Brittany guides everyone out of the bar and down the street. You don't know where you're going, but you trust the girls that are all around you. That's how you end up on the pier. The lights across the river stand out against the dark water.
You look next to you at Rachel who is practically attached to your arm. Of course you don't mind. Being close to her has made you happier than you've been in a while. She looks up at you with clear eyes and a smile that lights up the night. You have a tense all of your neck muscles so you don't dip your head down and kiss her.
"I'll miss you," she looks over the water and sighs.
"I'll miss you too," you answer with an equally depressing sigh.
She glances at Brittany and Santana who are sharing a moment. Their arms are around each other's waists and their foreheads are resting against each other. You smile because they're so perfect together and you can never imagine one without the other.
"You know," Rachel pauses to make sure she has your attention. When you look at her, she continues, "If you ever want to move here, my spare bedroom is yours. No questions, no catches, no fine print."
After to digest what she just offered, you sweep her up into your arms, hugging her like you'll never see her again. "You're amazing Rachel Berry," you murmur into her hair, "I'm so proud of you."
You feel her arms tighten around you and your lean into her. The smell of her hair makes your eyes flutter shut. It's so sweet and it's so familiar.
She takes a shuttering breath and sniffles, "What can I do to get you to stay? We could be the friends we should have been for years."
You're quiet and still because maybe if you don't response she'll forget she asked. Of course that doesn't work and she patiently waits for an answer. She sigh, "Rach, I want to, I do, but-"
She cuts you off by holding up her hand, "It's unfair of me to ask you to uproot your life. I just don't want to end up like all those people who say, yeah we'll keep in touch and we don't. As long as you promise to adhere to a very strict Skype and phone call schedule, I'll be happy."
You put your hand up in the air and nod, "I swear."
She laughs and throws her arms around your shoulders. When you open your eyes in the embrace, you see Brittany looking at you. There's a knowing look in her eyes and you know that she knows. You just let out a quirked eyebrow, hoping to communicate that yes this is what you were talking about during that cryptic conversation in the hallway and that you still want her to keep her mouth shut.
She solemnly nods. Santana steals her attention back, pointing out a constellation in the sky.
It doesn't take long for a security guard to run you out of the piers. Apparently he had already had a run in with Brittany, who jump smiled at him and walked past him while he shook his head.
"Ice cream?" Santana asks the group, but mostly Brittany.
After they swung by an ice cream parlor to get Brittany and Santana some ice cream. You and Rachel declined even thought Brittany offered to buy it for you. Rachel explained to Brittany that vegans don't eat anything with animal products. You smile because Santana doesn't look happy at all as Brittany's eyes get wide.
Before you get back to Brittany and Santana's apartment, Brittany, and by default Santana, are now vegans. You feel the need to stand between Rachel and Santana so that the diva lives to sing another day.
When you get into the kitchen of the apartment, Santana starts passing out water bottles. When you get yours, you start to open it. However before you can get the cap off, two arms fling around your neck and you find yourself pinned between the counter and Brittany.
You pull the water bottle from between you and lean into her, "What's wrong B?"
"Santana's sad and she wants to hug you like this so I'm doing it for her," she sighs and you feel her chin rest on your shoulder.
You grin and look over your friend's shoulder at Santana who has her arms crossed and her head tilted down while she watched her foot scrape across the floor. Her eyes slowly find yours. When she sees you smiling she rolls her eyes and looks back down at the ground.
When Brittany pulls away, Rachel a place next to you and leans into your side. She stands on her toes so that she can whisper in your ear. Just her vicinity makes you need to hold onto the counter behind you to stand and when her breath hits your ear, your eyes flutter closed. It takes you a minute to realize that she asks if you want her to distract Brittany for you so you and Santana can have some time.
You slowly nod and feel your heart break as she moves away. You vaguely remember telling her, "Two minutes."
Rachel takes Brittany's hand and leads her to the TV, "Let's put on a movie, Brit."
You turn to Santana who is shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She clenches her jaw and her eyes focus hard on you. You can see through the tough exterior. She starts anxiously tapping her foot and you let out a deep sigh.
Deciding that waiting for her could take a while, you close the distance between you two and pause waiting to see if she was going to accept what you're trying to do. She finishes what you've started and slides her arms around your waist. You bury your face in her collar, allowing you to close your eyes.
"This sucks," she quietly adds.
"Yeah I know." You do. You know more than any of them because when you go back to Lima, she's still going to have Brittany and Brittany's still going to have her and Rachel's still going to have her career and…that guy that you don't like thinking about. And you're going to have a divorce and a dead-end job.
After Santana decided that she'd had enough lovey dovey crap, she pulled back and walked with you to the living room where Rachel and Brittany had just turned to the TV, pretending like they hadn't been watching you the whole time.
You sat down between Rachel and Brittany. They both leaned into you. Santana pretended like it was an accident, but when she put her arm around Brittany her hand landed on your back.
It was getting late and Brittany was the first to pass out. Santana wasn't far behind her. You knew that Rachel had fallen asleep as well because her chest that was pressed against your side was slowly and evenly expanding and deflating. Your arm had crossed behind her back and your fingertips were grazing a sliver of skin on her side where her shirt had ridden up in her slumbering position. Touching her skin was exhilarating even though it was innocent and an accident, but it was more than you ever hoped for.
You rest your cheek against the top of her head and take a deep breath, trying to commit her smell to memory. When you're sure that you have, you close your eyes and allow yourself to fall asleep, hoping to dream of her.
When you wake up the next morning, you don't open your eyes. You don't want to because it would make this day real. You'd have to face that you're leaving your best friends in New York while slink back to Lima to live out your days faking a life you've always and never wanted. You take a deep breath through your nose and frown. Rachel's smell has been replaced by a much sweeter, fruitier smell. When you open your eyes, the head that's resting on your chest is covered with blonde hair.
As soon as you get your bearings you realize that Rachel's gone. You try to see where she'd gone, but you can't see anything, but the living room and the back of the couch behind you. You're heart feels like it's been smashed with a hammer. Tears jump to your eyes. She left without saying goodbye.
You try to slip out from under Brittany. You're unsuccessful at keeping her asleep and she sits up, accidentally dumping Santana off of her legs, sending the med student tumbling to the ground ass first.
"What the fuck," Santana's eyes pop open.
Brittany slides off of the couch and onto the floor to kiss Santana and apologize.
You scan the rest of the apartment and realize that Rachel is really gone. You check your watch and see that it's almost nine a.m., meaning that your flight leaves in three hours. You swallow hard. You have to get in a taxi in an hour and Rachel's gone.
You quickly trot to the bathroom and close the door. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you realize that tears are already dripping from your face. You turn away from the mirror because you can't stand to look at yourself like this.
You couldn't really expect to be the center of her universe until you left could you? She probably has rehearsal or an interview or she's probably on Oprah. You can't really think of a universe where you'd rate above being on Oprah.
After a few minutes, you know that you need to get out of the bathroom so you can spend the rest of the morning with your friends. Even if Rachel isn't there, Brittany and Santana still are and you'd rather be with them than locked in a bathroom crying over someone you never had a chance with anyway.
You wash your face and brush your teeth before walking back into the living room. When she see what's happening in the kitchen you feel ridiculously stupid and pathetic. Rachel is putting down a tray of four paper coffee cups and a pink box that no doubt contains breakfast for the four of you.
When she sees you, her eyes light up and she immediately sets everything down to trap you in a hug you'd never want to escape from.
You all chat about unimportant things as you drink your coffee and eat your vegan breakfast pastries. You're glad that you never really unpacked much because you stay at the apartment until the last minute. They all walk you down to the cab and while Brittany puts your bag in the cab, Santana tries her best not to cry as she hugs you goodbye. Rachel and Brittany are having more trouble containing their tears and the second you see the two of them crying, you start crying as well. Rachel texts you to make sure she has your phone number down right and makes you promise to call her the second you land. Santana is the kind of quiet she gets when she's really upset and it nearly takes her and Rachel two minutes to pry Brittany from your side.
Once in the cab, the door closes and you try desperately not to lose it. You swallow sobs until you think that you can control yourself enough to breath normally.
You think that you should have listened when she told you to stay. You can't help, but stare out the window and become completely saturated with dread. You'll miss the buildings and the constant chaos. You'll miss having someone to wake up to that you don't resent for keeping you down. You'll miss Brittany's bubbliness and Santana's fiery nature. You'll miss everything about Rachel. How she was really friendly with you and how you were comfortable and nervous around her all at once. You're going to miss her drunken affection and the way she doesn't mind when you just look at her for a while. You're gonna miss everything about the way she moves and her expressions and how she sings when she...does everything.
When the taxi pulls up to La Guardia, you just sit there for a minute. You can hear the planes taking off, transporting people to places where across the globe. You know you should get out because your flight is in an hour and a half and you have to get through security and all.
"You gonna get out?" the driver asks, glancing back at you.
You are quiet and still for a moment. There is so much going through your mind. You could turn back right now. Tell him to take you back to where he picked you up and forget about Lima forever.
Finally when the driver turns in his seat to give you the stink eye, you slide out of the seat. That's just a pipe dream. Getting out of Lima is a dream you sacrificed when you decided that you'd do anything to make sure Rachel escaped. You traded your happiness for hers and that was okay with you.
After getting through security and finding your gate you also find that your plane is going to be delayed. Two hours later, you hear from the other passengers that the plane that supposed to pick you up is stuck in Texas because of an ice storm. You roll your eyes. Isn't Texas supposed to be like a hot desert with tumbleweeds and shit?
Finally when you're on the plane, your tired and starving. The flight attendant's chipper smile makes you want to punch her in the face. You sink into you seat and wish there was an ejector button on your seat that will shoot you into a space.
Finn picks you up at the airport and you call Rachel to let her know you landed. It goes straight to voicemail and you realize that she's performing right now. Now there's nothing to distract you from how awkward this is right now. Finn is staring straight ahead, not saying anything at all and you're immediately miserable.
When you get to the house, you find yourself sitting across the table from him. When you ate a meal together this is how you'd sit. The awkward silence that had befallen the meals of the past few years is over you now.
You decide to finally speak. You clear your throat and start, "How do you want to do this?"
He, as expected, shrugs. He doesn't look mad or sad. He just looks lost, which is exactly how you feel. No one really tells you how to get a divorce.
You sigh, "I don't want us to fight over this. You can have whatever you want. Unless you want my black Manolos. I'm not budging on that."
He cracks a smile, which was your intention. You smile back and know you two can get through this.
But two hours later you're both in tears. You're angry with yourself for starting to cry first. After you told him that he can keep the house and all of the furniture, you start to break. He sees this and gets teary-eyed as well.
"I'm gonna go stay with my sister," you finally sigh, "I'll come back tomorrow and get my stuff."
He stands with you and walks with you to the door. When you open the door and step outside, he leans on the frame, "Do you need anything?"
You sadly shake her head. You're in awe of how well he's taking this. "Do you? I can order you dinner if you want."
A small smile adorns his face, "I think I'll be okay."
"Sorry," you bow your head. You didn't mean to imply that he couldn't take care of himself.
"It's okay," he nods, "It'll be okay."
"I'll uh…see you tomorrow," you add awkwardly and walk to your car.
You call your sister to ask her if you can stay the night with her. Your sister knows enough to ask few questions when you're glowering like you are. She has known what's going on for a while and was the one that recommended the attorney, handing you his card with a "you know if you ever need one."
After passing up dinner, your sister makes sure you're comfortable on the couch and apologizes for the mess of the guest rooms. She tells you if she'd had known you'd be spending the night she wouldn't have had them both remodeled at the same time.
"I'm fine," you state for the millionth time until she finally goes off to bed.
You wonder what Brittany and Santana are doing now. You're almost one hundred percent sure Santana is studying. You can picture her and Brittany on their couch, Brittany absently stroking Santana's hair while the brunette reads off the symptoms of endocarditis
You can see Rachel laughing with her friends at an after show dinner. The whole cast is there, but the attention is all on her just like she likes it. David is mysteriously absent from your vision, but what can you do? In fact, you're the one that's sitting next to her.
You let out a deep sigh and roll over. It's not like you're going to be able to sleep, but if you're going to torture yourself with fantasies that'll never happen, you're going to be comfortable.