Chapter 2 – Belief

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it – Buddha

Remus was furious. How dare he? How dare that murderer lie about Peter? What did he have against Peter anyway? Remus knew that of the four marauders, Sirius and Peter had always got on the worst, but this beyond a mere disagreement. He'd actually accused Peter of betraying them all, of being the one behind it all. It was absurd; Peter had never been clever enough to do something like that. Not to mention that Sirius was the one who'd brutally murdered Peter and twelve other Muggles.

His trip to Azkaban had done nothing to answer the one question that had bothered him since that night. It had only made him feel worse. He'd thought he'd known Sirius, but he'd played them all. He'd taken everything away from Remus in one fell swoop. It wasn't fair. Remus swore, but it did nothing to make him feel any better. Seeing Sirius made the raw grief come back, like it had just happened. Tears leaked from his light brown eyes.

There was one question that bothered him most; why would Sirius bother lying? Remus had been there when Lily had asked him to be their secret keeper. Did Sirius think he would have forgotten? Or did he think that Remus hadn't played that night over and over in his head, wondering where it all went wrong, how nobody had noticed the monster that Sirius had become. But then again, they said Azkaban would ruin a man, he was probably desperate for something, anything to cling to. He had everything to gain and nothing to lose, so he was probably hoping that Remus would forgive him, like he'd done with the Whomping Willow incident. That had probably been the first time that Remus had seen the true nature of Sirius Black, the first sign that all was not well with Sirius. How had he missed it?

Remus climbed into bed, hoping desperately for sleep that deep down he knew wouldn't come. He lay in bed, staring sightlessly at the ceiling for hours. The image of Sirius' haunted face lingered in front of his eyes, as if burned in his skull. He couldn't help the pang of pity that went through him as he thought about what Sirius had been reduced to. It was almost instantly smothered by an unquenchable rage. A rage so strong that it forced him out of bed. It was cold without the blankets, but the rage he felt was more than enough to sustain him. He grabbed the first thing his hand fell on and he hurled it at the wall, letting out a yell of rage and unimaginable pain. It made him feel slightly better and he grabbed the next thing on his bedside table.

It was a picture of James, Lily and Harry, taken not long after he was born. He couldn't throw that, they were already broken enough. He gazed at the photo hungrily, almost wishing that he could fall through the glass. He suddenly felt drained, the rage that had filled him a moment ago gone, wiped away by the smiles on James and Lily's faces. He collapsed to the floor, grasping the photograph like a lifeline. Tears were dripping down his cheeks but he decided he didn't care. "James…I'm so sorry…how did I not see what he was?" Remus choked out, still staring at the photo.

OoOoOo

When Remus woke up he was still holding the photograph tightly to his chest, not willing to let it go. He was still crumpled on the floor having cried himself to sleep. He climbed to his feet, trying to ignore the protests of his joints. He grabbed some clothes and stepped into the small shower, letting the water wash over the scars that littered his body. Full moons were a lot worse since James and Peter died. The wolf had been part of a pack at school, and it didn't understand where the pack had gone.

Remus dressed quickly, suddenly aware of how hungry he was. He made himself some toast and was just about to eat it when an owl swooped into the room. The tawny owl looked like one of the Hogwarts owls and Remus knew instantly who it was from. The owl dropped the letter it was carrying in the butter and swooped back out again. Remus stared at the envelope for a moment before deciding to open it.

Remus

I have urgent matters that I need to discuss with you. Please come and see me at your earliest convenience.

Yours truly

Albus Dumbledore

Remus' heart sank. He knew what Dumbledore wanted to talk about. Dumbledore had told him not to go to Azkaban and Remus had gone anyway. He had to know. Surely Dumbledore knew that. It had done him no good anyway; Sirius hadn't even answered his question instead making up some cock-and-bull story about Peter. Remus could deal with most things, but insulting the man that Sirius himself had brutally murdered was going too far. The rage lit up with him again, settling near his heart as he prepared to go and see Dumbledore.

OoOoOo

Hogsmeade hadn't changed a bit since he was last here. He could almost forget everything as he strolled down the street; pretend that everything was the same as when he was 16. He could almost see James and Lily walking down the cobbled street, almost hear his cries of annoyance as James threw a snowball at him. He even thought he could nearly feel the weight of bags laden with Zonko's products. The closed gates at Hogwarts brought him crashing back to reality. A silent barrier of actuality. They'd always been open when he needed to pass through them before, but then, he was no longer a student. Those good days were behind him.

The gate swung open silently and Remus walked through cautiously. The grounds still looked the same and the sight lifted his spirits. Sirius may have ruined everything he had, but he hadn't been able to touch this. Smiling bitterly, Remus walked towards the castle, steeling himself for what was surely to come from Dumbledore.

He reached Dumbledore's office and stopped. He didn't know the password, and there was no way he could guess. He turned to the gargoyle, which had been watching him curiously. "Er…I'm here to see the headmaster, he wanted to see me. I'm Remus Lupin by the way"

"I knew you looked familiar! Go on up" the gargoyle replied jovially. It leapt aside and Remus stepped through and stepped onto the ascending staircase. He'd been to this office far too often to be amazed by the strange instruments that littered the room. He'd always been confused by what they all did as a teenager, and even now as an adult he didn't know what they did. James had always said that they were just for show and that they served no purpose other than to make the headmaster look smart. Remus smiled briefly and then stopped, even now thinking about James was painful.

"Headmaster, you wished to see me?" Remus asked, hoping he didn't sound too like a nervous schoolboy.

"Ah, Remus, yes I did. Have a seat," Dumbledore said lightly, his blue eyes surveying him as he shuffled into the office. His voice took on a more serious tone. "I was under the impression that I warned you not to go to Azkaban?"

Remus paused before answering. "Yes, you did. But I had to know, I need to know why" Remus defended, trying to keep the hint of desperation of his voice.

Dumbledore sighed and looked pointedly at Remus over his half-moon glasses. "There are no reasons that people like us can understand for acts like that. I know this can't have been easy for you, but I was trying to protect you", He stopped and gave Remus a piercing look. "What's bothering you?"

Remus looked up, surprised that Dumbledore could tell something was wrong. Remus wasn't even sure what it was until the words spilled forth from his mouth. "Something Black said. He said 'Why would I betray Harry?' and that's a question that's haunted me for a long time. Why would he? The Sirius I knew would have died for that little boy without even stopping to think"

"The Sirius you knew obviously never existed Remus. Isn't that what you said to me when he was arrested?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

Damn Dumbledore and his memory. "I may have, but you didn't see him Professor. You didn't see the look in his eyes. He looked desperate for me to understand"

"How do you know he wasn't desperate for any chance of escape? Remus, the evidence was overwhelming. He was their secret keeper, we were both there"

"He said they changed secret keeper…to Peter"

"And you believed him? You believed his lies about the poor man that he killed? Remus this is why I warned you not to go to Azkaban, we already know that he was capable of deceiving us all once, what's to stop him from trying again?"

Remus didn't answer. He was conflicted. What Dumbledore said made perfect sense, but those questions about Sirius wouldn't leave him alone. "Remus, his crimes were so heinous, and it was so obviously him that he didn't even need a trial. He murdered thirteen people and betrayed countless people, including James and Lily, to Voldemort. He lied through his teeth for years. Why the sudden interest in what he has to say?"

"BECAUSE HE WAS MY FRIEND!" Remus was stunned. He wasn't generally an angry person, and yet in the last day he had thrown a vase at the wall and shouted at Dumbledore. Dumbledore stared back at him calmly, not bothered in the slightest that Remus had just shouted at him. Remus sighed. He didn't know why he was defending Sirius, but he felt like it was right. He didn't know what to believe anymore. Either way, this was going to be a long conversation.