The Highest Bidder

Chapter Twenty-One: Scars and Kisses

The reason why I didn't tell you from the very beginning about Shen Si Ling was because I was just as thunderstruck about her as much as I am sure that the rest of the jury is by now. Avatar Aang and Fire Lord Zuko, along with Councilman Sokka, and Chief of Police Toph Beifong, are not too surprised by this small revelation that I've shared because they knew about it for quite some time. I wondered for years why I could become more powerful during my temper tantrums—why I could become a master Waterbender when I couldn't even bend the element—why I could destroy a whole town with little effort—

Everything that I wondered was answered, or explained, through what General Iroh told me that night on Prince Zuko's ship. I suppose that in a way, Shen Si Ling considers me to be her Spirit Guide since she cannot exist on the mortal world. As Iroh has explained to me before, a Spirit has to give up immortality in order to live in our world. That is why Tui and La live in the bodies of the Koi fish, and that is why La was able to be killed in the Fire Nation Raid in the North Pole.

Although I learned that night that my mind, body, and soul were the keys to my power, it also made me more aware of just how easy it was—and is—to take me down. My mind had dominion over my concentration, and my lack of sleep deterred my reactions to danger. When Commander Zhao's soldiers inflicted pain onto my forehead, it distracted my abilities, and it weakened my forces. My soul controls my right and wrong, which explains that when Fire Lord Ozai ordered me to hurt the Fire Nation princess, I couldn't do it because harming Azula—who was my friend at the time—would hurt me as well. I learned, too, that my soul also included my heart, which—as many know—is the core to emotion and judgment.

This has to be the most important function of my abilities, which is why I tell the jury, along with Fire Lord Zuko, Avatar Aang, and their alliances that my emotions drove my actions during the 100-year war. My quarrels with Fire Lord Zuko encouraged my temper to harm those who were closest to me. It's not his fault, and I refuse to apportion blame onto him for my actions of late; but his opinion of me and the rest of my friends pended on my behavior.

Shen Si Ling is not to blame either, just as the Avatar cannot be blamed for destruction and chaos during the Avatar State. Shen Si Ling acts in my stead when I am overcome by fury, or overwhelmed with grief.

So with this in mind, I'll continue with my tale.

General Iroh and I enjoyed a fourth cup of tea before retiring. As I passed Lt. Jee, he bided a healthy good night's rest, which I thanked him sweetly for it. Prince Zuko sat before the low table in front of the altar, which on top of it were four candles. Like before, the flames breathed along with Zuko, illuminating the room entirely and falling to a tender dim. I stepped inside quietly and sat down beside him.

"Are you all right?" he asked. He opened his eyes and turned to me. His hand grazed my forehead, across my bandage. "That looks pretty bad…"

"I'll be okay," I said. "It's just a scratch."

"Can I see?" he asked, concerned.

"Sure…"

I unrolled the gauze; as I peeled it off, I could feel it start to sting from the breath of the fresh air it was provided. When I pulled the last layer, I saw a look cross Zuko's face that slightly alarmed me.

"What is it?" I asked, dismayed. I raised my hands to my forehead in order to feel the problem, but Zuko grabbed my hands to stop me.

"It's not that bad," he said unconvincingly.

Even as he said it, I knew that he was lying. When I told him that I could tell, he frowned.

"It'll scar," he said. "But it could be worse."

I rose to my feet and stood in front of a mirror on the wall. I could understand Zuko's shocked expression on his face.

As the jury can see, the scar that I refer to in my tale is the same that is on my forehead today, which crosses from one hair line to the other. It is the same one that resembles that of a short length of a chain. Obviously, I was given this by the same soldier who cut my forehead when he was binding me against the pillar in the Fire Temple.

In the mirror, the cuts were deep; it was a miracle that I hadn't been thrown into unconsciousness. The blood had stopped, which I was happy enough about that. Zuko was right, of course. It could have been worse. In the morning, when the swelling would go down, it would like I wore a flowery headband for far too long and dented my forehead with the impression.

Even today, I still consider my scars to be quite dainty and unique.

"It's like he branded me," I muttered, running my fingers across my face.

"'He' as in Zhao…" Zuko retorted darkly.

From the reflection in the mirror, I saw the four lit candles burst with angry flames. I turned around. Zuko looked away from me and glowered at the burning embers.

"It's not your fault," I said softly.

"Maybe it isn't," Zuko said. "Why didn't you just go into your weird state and blow the troops out the window?"

"I wasn't worried about the troops," I said gently. "I was worried about you."

"You can't worry about me all the time. It's not healthy."

"You know," I began curtly, "for a guy who doesn't seem to want to have any sort of romance with me, you seem to be quite protective whenever any man tries to court me."

He said nothing in reply.

"Is it a guy thing?" I said, growing impatient. "Is it like your duty to protect me? Is that what it is? Why is it that your uncle has to tell me these things about you? Why can't you just tell me what you want?"

Zuko rose to his feet, turned to me, and said,

"If my uncle is telling you that you and I are going to be together, perhaps he's right…"

"What?"

If my mouth wasn't connected to my nose, it would've fallen to the floor. For days, Zuko had told me that he was keeping our relationship as friendly as possible; and now it seemed as if he had changed his mind entirely. I stared at him, clearly taken by surprise; I even took a few steps back to make sure he was still the same Zuko that I started to speak to from the beginning.

"I realized today," continued Prince Zuko, "that you're not just some girl who's got her head stuck up in the clouds. At first, I thought you just wanted some kind of affair to make the journey exciting. But," he said quickly when I frowned at him, "I saw what happened up there in the temple, and I think I know why you want us to be together. It's not like I brushed you off. I've thought about it a lot of times."

"What?" I repeated, still stunned.

"You and I are nearly alike," said Zuko, "but you don't see my home as I see it. You don't see the Fire Nation as a place of royalty and structure. I still see my father for what he is: he doesn't understand what I've been through, but he will once I capture the Avatar. You see the Fire Nation as a twisted place where the people are born bad…"

"That's not what I see," I said, regaining my composure.

He patiently sighed.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean that I don't think the Fire Nation is a place where people are born bad. People are mostly good, but Fire Lord Ozai doesn't respect the three other nations. Your uncle does, and perhaps you do, but Fire Lord Ozai wants only to spread Firebending into the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes just like Fire Lord Sozin destroyed the Air Nomads at the Northern Air Temple." I approached him and placed my hands on his shoulders. "I miss my father just as much as you miss yours, Prince Zuko; but I can't return home because if I do, I'm not so sure that I can be accepted. If I am, it will be because it's a trap."

"But what's the point of you and me becoming whatever it is that we should be if you're not going to come back with me when I catch the Avatar?"

"Zuko…" I said, trying to make him understand. "How many times do we have to fight about this? We both know how this discussion is going to end. I'll tell you that I can't go back; you'll say that you want me to. I'll say that I don't trust Fire Lord Ozai; you'll say that I should. And finally, when we're both angry and hurt, you'll call me a coward, and I'll tell you that you're being foolish." I sighed. "Why do we always have to fight, Zuko?"

"Maybe that's the only way we express how we feel…about each other?" he proposed hesitantly.

Oddly enough, that made more sense than anything else.

"Uncle Iroh told me that you are somewhat connected to the Mind Spirit, Shen Si Ling." Zuko said softly. "For some reason, it sort of relieves me."

"About what?" I questioned.

"Well, when you get angry, and you use your powers, it really looks like you're a demon. I sometimes thought that the only way you could become a lethal weapon was that you had to be angry. But I gave it some thought, and that's really not what drives you to become so uncontrollable."

I smiled.

"I know this," he said, "because that's what you did when I fell into the ocean at the South Pole. And that's what happened when I made you mad the other day. Uncle told me that your powers coordinate to your heart. So when you get sort of 'crazy', it's usually about…me."

"You know, Zuko, you're pretty smart for a hot-tempered boy," I congratulated.

"Well," he shrugged, "Uncle pretty much had to explain it to me. You can be pretty aggravating sometimes."

I slugged his shoulder.

"I know," I said cheerfully.

Zuko smiled.

And, to my surprise, he leaned forward, and he kissed me.