Chapter 5 – Hope
What seem to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise – Oscar Wilde
He could see their faces. James and Lily. He could see their broken, lifeless bodies in front of him, but their eyes were open, staring at him. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't escape from them; they were always there, accusing him with their eyes.
"What do you want? Do you want me to apologise? Because I am so, utterly, truly sorry. It's my fault, it is all my fault. I should have been able to see. He was a rat! I should have made the connection and I'm so sorry I didn't. I would do anything to go back and change it"
Sirius fell to his knees, tears running down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to block out their faces. It didn't work. He groaned and moved away from them. He soon found himself in the corner of the cell, his head in his hands. He sneaked a look up. They were still there. The logical part of his brain told him that they weren't here, that surely they'd been buried somewhere nice, but the emotional part of his brain told him that they looked so real. He dropped his head in his hands again.
He didn't know how long he'd been like that, hiding from the dead bodies on the floor but the next thing he was consciously aware of was the air getting colder. He looked up to see one of the hooded dementors in the doorway, beckoning him forwards. Sirius didn't know if he should, the last time he'd gone with them hadn't exactly done him any favours. The foul creature seemed to notice his reluctance and swooped silently towards him. Sirius cringed away, trying to make himself as small as possible. The creature grabbed his wrists with scaly, rotten hands and pulled him to his feet. Sirius yelped and stared at his wrists. Bruises were already starting to form as he followed after the foul thing.
It led him back into the room where he'd met Remus before and it pushed him towards the chair. Sirius managed to recover his balance just before falling face first onto the chair, but it was close. He sat down in the chair, wincing as the cold metal sealed around his legs and arms. He didn't understand why he was here. He'd already had his chance to tell the truth, and he'd failed.
The door opened again and a man walked in. A man he'd never expected to see again. He looked exactly the same as he had before, but his eyes looked different. They held horror, guilt and shame.
"Remus? I…what?" Sirius didn't know what to say. It was like seeing Remus had robbed him of the ability to speak. Or that might have been his heart, which felt like it had swelled so big that he was surprised that he could speak. He hadn't even dreamt of Remus coming back. He had another chance.
"Sounds like the Sirius I know," Remus smiled warmly at the prisoner, "Padfoot…I wanted to come back and tell you that I believe you"
Sirius was stunned. He'd never expected this. For the first time since being in Azkaban he felt warm. He hadn't thought that having the trust of his best friend would mean to him. He could almost imagine that the last however many years had all been a figment of his imagination as he looked at Remus' smile. He couldn't believe it. He smiled, the first proper smile to grace his haunted features in a very long time.
Remus smiled back, and then the smile slid off his face, "Sirius, I am so sorry. Sorry that I left you here and sorry that I didn't believe you"
Tears of joy were forming in Sirius' eyes and he raised a hand to wipe them away. At least he would have done had his hands not been chained to the chair. He had no choice but to let them fall. "Remus stop. I owe you an apology too"
"Don't you dare Sirius. I know why you did it, and I would have done the same if I were in your shoes" Remus' voice was stern, but he still couldn't hide the slight crack in his voice from Sirius.
"If I'd just used my brain though, or paid just a little bit more attention none of this would have happened"
"Stop blaming yourself for what Peter did"
That simple sentence meant more to Sirius than he could ever admit. That name. He couldn't stop the low growl that escaped his throat. He'd ruined them all. "That rat! How did we not-"
"Stop Sirius. Stop asking yourself that, you'll drive yourself mad. Sirius, I need to find him. If I can find him then you'll be free"
Sirius didn't know what to say to that. He'd wanted Remus to believe him but freedom was a whole different kettle of fish. He would be able to see the stars, to do the things he'd missed out on during the war. He could go to James and Lily's grave and pay his respects, he could see Harry! He'd never thought about that before, but now a hopeless desire to breathe fresh air filled him. It was all he could think about.
"I have to find him first though, and I haven't got a clue where he might be" Remus added dejectedly.
That brought Sirius back down to earth with a bump. Remus had never said that he had Peter, or that he even knew where he was. Yet Sirius had let himself get carried away anyway. It felt as though his heart, which had expanded so big, had shrivelled back to where it normally was – a dark and depressing place. But, maybe he could help. He'd had years to think about where Wormtail was.
"He'll be in his animagi form – too many people would recognise him otherwise"
"How on earth do you propose I find a rat? There has to be at least 50 million rats in this country! He doesn't have any distinguishing features"
Fair point. It would be nigh impossible. Sirius didn't really envy Remus on that task. "Calm down Remus, he does have a distinguishing feature. He'll be missing a toe. Besides he won't be anywhere. He'll probably be in a wizarding family, one that's not too close to the order though. He won't want to risk being seen"
Remus stared at him, mouth slightly agape. He obviously didn't know what to say. Oddly, Sirius felt the need to defend himself, "What? I was an auror during the war, it's their job to work out how death eaters think. Besides, what else was I meant to do but think in here?"
Sirius had meant it as a rhetorical question but Remus nodded anyway. Sirius winced. The cold had come back, piercing his skin and infesting his body like a disease. Sirius whipped his head round to see the door. A dark, towering dementor was looming in the doorway. The reality of his situation came crashing down on him with its re-entry. It had been so easy to forget when he was talking to Remus. Remus sighed and looked at him.
"I'll take that as my cue to leave. Hopefully, the next time I see you will be when you're released. Farewell Padfoot" Remus stood, as if he wanted to hug Sirius but had to settle with touching his hand. He left the room, leaving Sirius with the dementor.
It didn't matter though. The dementors didn't seem to have such a detrimental effect on him now that he had hope, burning like a small fire in his chest. He knew that someday, whether it was in 10 days or a thousand he was getting out of here. Remus wouldn't give up now. He smiled. He had hope, and that was worth everything in here.