"I know, Remus."
Stopping dead in the middle of the corridor they were supposed to be patrolling, Remus Lupin stared at the girl who had spoken these words.
"Know what, Lily?" he replied, trying to appear calm, despite the dread that was filling him. "The answer to life, the universe and everything? I know that too, its 42!" he joked, hoping to change the subject. It seemed to work.
"You read muggle books?" she exclaimed, briefly thrown by his knowledge of muggle literature.
Remus allowed himself to relax and continue patrolling, only to immediately stiffen as she spoke her next words.
"Don't try it Remus, I'm not going to be distracted. I know about..." she struggled for a moment, as if unsure about the terminology, "about your... condition."
Lily saw the shock pass across his face, before settling into a carefully blank expression. He spoke so quietly that she had to ask him to repeat himself.
"How long?" he asked again, his voice coming out harsher than he intended.
"Since we did the essay on werewolves in third year."
Remus blinked.
For the first time she seemed embarrassed. "I know I should I have told you then, but we were just becoming friends and I really enjoyed your company and I didn't want you to act any differently around me," she implored, begging forgiveness for her feigned ignorance.
Still Remus did not reply.
"I wanted to be your friend, Remus. I still do. But you're always holding me at arm's length and it hurts to know that you trust someone completely but that they don't return the favour." Her apologetic tone was now replaced by an angry one, but Remus heard the hurt she was trying to hide.
He glanced up to see that Lily's face was starting to turn as red as her hair. He was stunned however, to see the kindness that remained in her eyes despite her growing fury.
"What did you think would happen if you'd told me? I'd shun you? Report you? Try to get you thrown out of school? Is that really how little you think of me? Or am I just not as worthy as that toe-rag, Potter and his side-kick, Black?"
To Remus' horror, Lily's eyes were filling with tears, "no, Lily, that's not it, I just-"
"You just what? I'm your friend, Remus! You're supposed to be able to tell me things! I would never think any different of you, not for this! So what if you turn into a monster once a month? It's not as if you have any say in the matter, it's not like you can control it. You're one of the kindest people I have ever met and yet you think you're beneath everyone else just because of this? How dare you think so little of yourself?" Lily continued rant at him, but Remus had stopped listening.
If he was honest with himself, he should have expected this reaction. It was well-known how fiercely loyal Lily was to her friends; she would never have let a little thing like lycanthropy interfere in any of her relationships.
And yet, unexpected warmth was filling his entire body. She knew! She knew and she wasn't running as fast as she could in the opposite direction. More importantly, she had called herself his friend. Remus had secretly hoped they were friends, but had never dared to speak the word out loud. But she had said it, they were friends.
As he continued to stare at her, taking in her flushed cheeks and furious expression, still the kindness remaining in her eyes, he wondered if friendship would be enough for him. With great difficulty he had to suppress the urge to silence her with his lips, to hold her close to him and run his hands through her hair... was it as soft as it looked? He longed to find out. And that passion in another situation would be – no!
He couldn't have these thoughts. Not about her. James would kill him.
'It would be worth it' a tiny voice whispered in his head, 'and anyway, she hates him.'
He forced himself to remember all that he owed James. James, his first friend, when he thought he would have none. James, who stopped him from almost killing Snape during a full moon two years ago. James, who had broken laws to ensure that he, Remus, would not be alone when he transformed.
No, he couldn't – wouldn't do that to his best friend. And besides, Lily deserved to be happy. She deserved someone who was could take her of her, not someone whom she had to take care of. Someone who would be able to give her a life, a family, not someone who would turn her into a social outcast.
Still lost in his thoughts, Remus didn't realise that Lily had finished talking. Her anger had dissolved, leaving traces of tears on her face, her hair was falling out of the clip. On her face was an honest smile, Remus thought she had never looked more beautiful.
"Promise me, that you won't hide anything from me again."
"I promise, Lily. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Friends?"
Lily's response was to laugh and launch herself into his arms. Remus hugged her back, savouring the moment.
Yes, Lily deserved the best, and he would never be that. But in that moment, he made a promise to himself, Lily wouldn't get anything less than she deserved, he would make sure of that.
Years later he remembered this promise as he walked arm in arm with Lily down the aisle. James, waiting at the other end, looked like all his dreams were coming true. Remus doubted that there was anyone who could love Lily as much as he did, but James came very close. Yes, James would make her happy. It was with this thought that he handed the love of his life over to his best friend.
First fanfic, please review!
Thank you!