Demons and Angels

Buffy didn't think anyone was capable of showing such raw emotion, but the proof was right in front of her. Spike had a look of awe on his face, and yet awe wasn't quite the right word; then again a word big enough to describe Spike's emotions and do them justice, didn't exist. Buffy reached out to touch his face, but his eyes halted her hand, her fingertips were inches from his face.

His eyes held the look of a small frightened animal that had been pushed into a corner and had no means of escape.

"I really hurt you didn't I?"

Indignation flashed briefly in his eyes, yet his tone was soft in answering.

"That you did pet, you'll never know how much."

Buffy closed her eyes in shame, and she could feel a familiar burning in her eyes, the burning that came before the tears.

"And yet, you're too good for this world."

Buffy shook her head and her eyes flashed, an emotion that was so strong it almost looked like malice, malice of the high pedestal Spike always placed her upon. Then again being told continually that he was a thing and that he was beneath her had made it, perhaps, inevitable.

"I'm no angel Spike, I'm not perfect, and I'm nowhere near it. I'm the Slayer; I kill demons, and vampires," at this she allowed an amused smile grace her features, "at least most of them, and because of that I save lives. Spike, I used to be so righteous, all out for the fight because it was the right thing to do. Dying, going to heaven, being torn out of there, and being brought back changed me for the worse. I felt such anger, such seething anger that I had been brought out of paradise; all I wanted to do was die.

" I just wanted to die, and then you came back to me. For being un-dead, you are like the epitome of life. I was furious; I couldn't see why I had to go round like some demented zombie, when you got to strut around without a care in the world. I looked into your eyes and I saw life, Spike. I saw life and I wanted it. Kissing you, having sex with you, it felt like some small part of that life left you and came into me.

"And I loved it, I went back for more, and more, I wanted it all. I wanted to be the one brimming with life; I wanted you to be the empty one, the dead one. But then I saw it, I saw it happen, each time I left you, I saw you dying in front of me. I felt disgusted with myself, and then Riley, how he belittled you, made you out to be the filthy one of us, the tainted one, when all along it was me.

"When I came back to you, I looked into your eyes and you looked dead, and I hated it. I hated myself for succeeding in dragging you down with me. In a truly twisted way, breaking up with you was me trying to save you; my way of saving you from the monster I had become."

Silence descended upon them; neither Spike nor Buffy had a clue as to what to say until,

"You're not a monster Buffy, you're human. That's something we're all guilty of."

He paused and laughed bitterly.

"Or were guilty of."

That did it. Something inside Buffy broke at seeing such a confident man fall to pieces in front of her. She threw herself, and him, against a wall, and with his back firmly against it, she kissed him heatedly. She ignored Spike's attempts of pushing her away, and bit his bottom lip in punishment. Spike groaned in pain and pleasure as her bite caused his lip to bleed and the blood caused his demon to take over. Buffy briefly left his lips, she could sense the demon coming and she was determined to show Spike she cared for all of him.

"It's ok Spike." Spike needed no further encouragement, he vamped out, and Buffy's eyes brightened in approval.

"Bite me. Angel's gone. I want his mark off me."

Spike looked at her calculatingly for a moment, then something flashed in his golden eyes and he dipped down. Buffy moaned before he even touched her neck. His sensuous lips worshipped her skin, his tongue licked it, its coldness soothing her heated skin and gently drawing the blood closer to the surface. He paused briefly; until Buffy moaned and his fangs sunk into her neck.

Flashes, no not flashes, memories. A blonde girl, after his leaving attempt had failed…kissing, biting, turning, and burying!

Spike was screaming without realizing it, and he backed away from Buffy in horror; he could feel the young girl now, he could remember her. Her soul was torturing his with the added weight of the already heavy guilt.

"Spike!"

"I've killed, and I can feel them. I can feel every single one of them; now her!"

"Spike, please, what's going on?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER! Please don't make me remember!"

Buffy rushed to his side.

"Something's controlling me, brainwashing me, making me kill people!"

Spike's hysterical tirade suddenly trailed off and he met her eyes, suddenly very determined.

"Buffy, you have to kill me; you have to kill me before I get out."

Buffy shook her head equally determined.

"NO, you don't understand Spike."

"NO you don't understand. Do you have any idea what I'm capable of?"

Buffy's eyes hardened her tone frosty. "Oh believe me I know exactly what you're capable of."

"NO! You got off easy Buffy, you've never met the real me. Have you ever asked yourself why you can never do it, top me off? After everything I've done to you, to the people around you? It's not love, we both know that. You like men who hurt you, you need us, need the pain we cause you to do your job, to be the Slayer."

Buffy shook her head, her eyes flashing with resolve.

"I don't hate like that, not anymore, not you, not myself. You're not alive because of hate or suffering, you're alive because I saw you change, and I saw your repentance."

Spike growled andseized her arms tightly.

"Window dressing!"

Buffy pushed his hands off her, her tone heavy with scorn.

"It'd be easier wouldn't it, if it were all an act? But it's not, you found the monster inside you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man! And you can be."

Buffy raised his face up and gently caressed it.

"You are. You may not see it, but I do."

"Buffy…"

"I believe in you Spike."

Buffy stated firmly, her eyes literally glittering with the truthfulness in her statement. Spike looked at her in awe, before there was a huge crash, and then the tune of a very familiar song…

Hey sorry for the gap, what do you think !!!