Chapter Nineteen: Boys in Disguise

Renly's Point of View

If Loras can go on a date then so can I. It's just that all the men I know are busy tonight. That's why I "kidnapped" Robb Stark. Since now of my friends or the guys in my little black book are available I am going to "create" a date.

"I hate you," Robb says as I paint his eyebrows blond.

"Hold still unless you want to be poked in the eye again," I tell him.

"I don't get why I have to do this," Robb says.

"I need a date tonight to spy on Loras."

"I don't date men," Robb says.

"Oh shut up. You care about Loras too."

"Yes, but this is insane. I am going to have you committed."

I poke him in the eye to get him to shut up. There now his eye brows are as blond as they are going to get. They match the blond wig I borrowed from the theatre department at my university. I put the wig on Robb. It's a nice wig made of real hair not a fake one that most drama departments use.

Robb looks almost unrecognizable. His eyes still give him away. Good thing I thought ahead. I bought colored contact lenses from a costume shop I know of. I got three different colors to see which one looks best. The Ice blue made him look not-human, but the chestnut and sapphire work wonders. I like the look of blond hair and brown eyes.

"What do you think?" I ask holding up a mirror.

"I look ridiculous."

"You look hot. Blond suits you."

"Bite me."

"Oh shut it, Robb. Now, you have to change your voice. If you speak Loras will know it's you and this will all be for nothing."

Robb clears his throat and out of his mouth comes an accent that blows my mind. I never expected anything like it. That would do it. I step away from him and give him a good look. He does not look like Robb Stark anymore.

"What's my name?" Robb asks.

"So you're going to play along?" I ask.

"Well since I'm already dressed like an idiot I might as well, just remember I hate you."

"We'll call you Myron Darkstar."

"No."

"What about Fyn Lightwater?"

"Whatever."

I can introduce Robb to Loras as Fyn Lightwater. That name actually kind of suits him like this. I hand him the outfit I chose for him. He glares daggers at me. I know I am asking a lot from him, but I really want him to do this.

The only reason he agreed in the first place was because I offered him a free meal. At least I am not making him dress as a girl. I thought about that too. But Loras needs to think I am on a date. He knows I don't date women.

"What about you?" Robb asks as he tries on the pants that are so tight it enhances his private area. They're also red in color which he complained about. "I'm not Loras I don't wear colored pants."

"Oh quit bitching. I'm not going in disguise. He's supposed to know who I am."

I hold out a shirt with zebra stripes running diagonally across it. And a yellow scarf. He gives the dirtiest of looks when I dress him. I finish it with a pair of black shoes. He looks like someone I would date. Robb looks at himself in my floor length mirror.

"I am not leaving the house like this," Robb protests.

"You look sexy," I say adjusting the scarf.

"If these pants were any tighter my balls would shrink," says Robb wiggling around to adjust them to no avail. There is no wiggle room in those extra skinny pants. I bring Robb out so Gendry can see him. I want to know if he can fool anyone.

"Who's your friend?" asks Gendry. Arya is with him. Good. Let's see if she can recognize her own brother. Both Gendry and Arya stare at Robb for a long time.

"You don't know?" I ask.

Gendry shrugs and shakes his head.

"He does look familiar," says Arya, "But maybe not."

"This is my new boyfriend Fyn Lightwater," I say.

"I am not, you bastard," Robb shouts.

"Robb?" Gendry and Arya say in unison. Arya's jaw hits the floor. Gendry looks like he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Your stupid uncle is making me dress this way to spy on Loras on his date," says Robb with his arms folded across his chest.

"He's not going to recognize you," Gendry says.

"That's sort of the point," I say.

"Good work," Gendry says.

Arya is still speechless. I don't think I have ever seen her at a loss for words before. I take a picture of Robb with my phone. I contemplate texting it to Meera, but I will wait until Robb doesn't want to kill me. Loras's date starts in twenty minutes, Robb and I need to head to the restaurant to get a table.

Loras made reservations at the most expensive restaurant in the whole city. The cheapest thing on the menu is a salad which is $15.99. This food better be damn good if I have to pay for both me and Robb.

Since Robb is my date I open doors for him and act like the alpha on the date which he does not enjoy. I sort of feel like a jerk for making him do this, but I wish he would try to have fun with it. He looks amazing.

By the time we get to the restaurant Robb is doing his fake accent so flawlessly even Catelyn Stark herself wouldn't recognize her own son. I made Robb change everything including his cologne. I sprayed some of mine on him so Loras might think we fooled around.

I admit this is a little childish of me, but I have to see if I approve of the man Loras is dating. I need to know he's going to be okay. I can't let him date just anyone. It has to be someone who will respect him.

We are immediately seated when we arrive. They take us in the back where it will be a little quieter. As soon as we are seated Loras and his date arrive. It's Quentyn Martell. They're holding hands. What?

"Renly?" says Loras, "Imagine that."

"Hello, my flower," I say out of habit. Loras blushes. He drops Quentyn's hand.

"Who's your friend?" Loras asks.

Robb is looking directly at Loras and my flower still doesn't recognize him. Score.

"This is Fyn Lightwater."

"We have a table for you, my prince," says the host.

"Why don't we join you?" Loras asks.

I look at Robb. He really does look amazing. I'm a genius.

They move us to a four person table. We are all given menus. I order wine. Robb's excuse for not drinking is that he is the driver. Everyone knows Loras and his date are underage. A waiter comes to take our order. Loras and his date order first. I look at Robb who looks like he is still trying to decide.

"I'll have the poached salmon, with a little lemon to season it, um, oh could you add some vinegar maybe a few onions, I also want the lamb, and does that come with peppers? No. Could I get a few peppers? I also want a salad with chicken in it and tomato."

Damn him.

"I'll just have the turkey," says Quentyn embarrassed.

"No. I'm buying you can have whatever you want. Price isn't an issue," says Loras smiling.

"Okay, I guess I'll have the lobster," says Quentyn.

"Ooh, that sounds good, make it two, ooh and the goose sounds delicious," says Loras.

"I'll have the shrimp quiche," I say.

This meal is going to cost me over two hundred bucks. Damn Robb. He smirks at me evilly. I kick him under the table.

"So how do you two know each other?" Loras asks.

"We met at school?" says Robb as Fyn.

"You're a fashion student?" Loras asks.

"No. I am an interior design major. We met at the administration building to pay our tuition and locked eyes across the room. It was love at first sight," says Fyn.

I give Robb another kick under the table.

"Wow, when did you meet?"

"Last week," says Fyn.

"Yeah, he's so dreamy, I can't get enough. The first time he stared at me I went so weak in the knees I couldn't walk for two days," I say taking Robb's hand and caressing it. I think I'm going to throw up. He kicks me under the table. Ow. Jerk.

"How about you, sweetling?" says Fyn.

Damn he's good.

"We met at school," says Loras smiling. I look under the table. Their feet are touching. Loras is rubbing Quentyn's foot with his own.

"You make a cute couple," says Fyn.

I'm going to kill him.

"You look so handsome tonight, my prince," says Quentyn smiling.

"Thank you," says Loras, blushing as red as a tomato.

Our salads are brought out. Finally some quiet to eat. Loras's little date eats with the table manners of a dead horse. I bet Loras is embarrassed to be seen with him. But when I glance at Loras's face he seems charmed by it.

Robb smothers his salad in French dressing. If Loras was paying more attention he would know it's Robb by his eating habits and the amount of food he ordered. Quentyn tells Loras a joke and Loras giggles. His laugh sends a shiver down my spine. I love you.

"Did you tell Robb about his fan club?" Quentyn asks.

"I did. He didn't take it well."

"Who's Robb, sweetling?" asks Fyn.

"He's my best friend. He's like the best guy ever. He's the shining light in my life," says Loras.

Gross.

"He's sounds pretty special."

"I have a picture of him, want to see?" Loras says.

I notice he has dozens of security sitting around the restaurant trying to blend in. They are doing a good job of it; I barely noticed they were here until I recognized one of them.

"He's a cutie," says Fyn about himself.

I roll my eyes.

"He's more than cute," says Loras.

They bring out our food. Gods, Robb ordered a lot. I am anxious to watch him eat it. It smells delicious, but looks disgusting. He seems to enjoy it by the 'mmm' sound he makes.

"Renly, we have to come here more often," says Fyn.

"I can't really afford that," I whisper.

"If you want I can take care of the bill. It's not a big deal," says Loras.

"Aren't you the sweetest little thing?" says Fyn pinching Loras's cheek.

"You're fun. I like you. We should all go out again," says Loras smiling.

"I would love that, sweetling," says Fyn.

That'll happen when hell freezes over, seven times.

After dinner the four of us talk a little more while Fyn enjoys his dessert. Where does he put all that damn food? When the bill comes I nearly throw up my dinner. Loras snatches it from my hands and hands the waiter cash.

"It's time Fyn and I left," I say, I kiss Loras on the cheek. He and Quentyn stay at the table. I really thought they would get up too. The second I start to leave they hold hands again. I guess he's moving on. Maybe I will give Oberyn a call.

In the car, I slam my fist into the steering wheel and the horn honks loudly. It causes someone walking by to give me a rude gesture.

"Was that what you were expecting?" Robb asks as he takes off his wig.

"I don't know what I expected."

"It serves you right. You broke up with Loras."

"Yeah, I broke up with him so he could mature not run off and get with someone else."

"I'm sorry, were you looking for sympathy? I must have eaten it, because you're not getting any from me. You broke up with Loras. It was you, not him. If you're disappointed that Loras is dating someone else it's your fault."

"I just wanted him to grow up a little."

"Again, I'm on his side. If you want to vent go find one of your friends."

Robb's right.

"Loras is coming out put your wig back on," I say. Robb slaps his wig on his head and adjusts it. Loras waves at us as he and Quentyn climb into their limo. Please don't kiss. Please don't kiss. They don't kiss. Good.

"I swear to God if you kiss me I'm going to break every bone in your face," says Robb.

"I wouldn't dream of kissing you, Robb. Get over yourself."

"This can be added to my list of worst dates ever," Robb says.

"I have to admit, you were really good in there. You earned that free dinner."

"Thanks, it was sort of fun."

We share a laugh. It's the first time we have gotten along all night. I start my car. I joke about Loras's apparent crush on Robb. Robb didn't find that amusing.

"Could we get burgers?" Robb asks.

"How are you still hungry?" I ask.

"I'm hypoglycemic," says Robb.

"I didn't know that. Sure, we can get burgers."

I drive around looking for the right burger place. Robb is so picky about his burgers since he stopped eating at the place that sells Goliaths since they still haven't put a changing table in the men's restroom.

I find a place he approves of and pull up to the drive through. Robb shouts his order at me in Fyn's voice. I try to contain my laughter as the girl taking the orders tries to understand what he said. Finally Robb speaks clearly enough for her to get it. I pull away and burst out laughing.

"I think I understand why everyone loves you," I tell Robb.

"Ugh," Robb says.

"Did I hit a nerve?"

"I don't get it. Apparently I have some sort of fan club, but I don't understand. I'm not famous. I didn't do anything worthy of praise. I'm a normal, hormone-crazed, seventeen-year-old. What is it about me that everyone is so fascinated by?"

The girl at the drive thru hands me Robb's bag. I pay her. Loras paid for Robb's dinner so I might as well buy him burgers. This pseudo date was my idea. Robb lathers his burger in about three ketchup packets.

"You're a good guy. You're honest, and loving, and have the sex appeal of a dragon," I say. The last little bit makes Robb laugh. "For such a confident guy you're sort of humble. You're a walking contradiction."

"This male bonding is a little much. Maybe we should tone it down before we start plucking each other's eyebrows," says Robb taking a huge bite of his burger.

"I agree."

I will never admit it, but I actually had a really good time with Robb tonight even if it was one of my worst dates ever.