The Janus Campaign
The Janus Files 1.
Over the course of the writing of The Janus Campaign, some bits have arisen, mainly produced by my readers, describing incidents which may or may not have happened during the course of the events in this story.. Many of these were provided by taalismn
We present a collection of these here. Enjoy!
Death By Marriage…
At The Manor of Baron Kalgi
"Daughter, why am I only hearing through Count Palesti that you are engaged? This isn't some peasant, is he? You aren't pledged to some non-human?"
"He's human and he's the adoptive heir of the Octavus line."
"Good! Good! What else can you tell me?"
"Well, he's very proper and chivalrous..." Panache began.
"Yes, yes... " Baron Kalgi waved dismissively.
"He's very intelligent."
Great. I'll bet he's one of those philosophes. Just what I need to ensure strong grandsons. "Don't tell me. He's an artist."
"Not at all, he's an officer."
"Well! That's more like it! Anything else?"
"He can't ride a horse, he couldn't fight with a sword if his life depended on it and He's with the army on Alnus Hill."
"You're trying to kill me aren't you daughter?"
"What was your first clue?"
Drowning in Science!
General Hazama's Office
"We're going to have to test ALL the local physical laws, General."
"Is this important?"
"Could be. Small changes could be significant enough to erode our current position of strength in the long term if we're unaware of them."
"Very well, how many eggheads will be needed to conduct your tests?"
"Well, we're going to need specialists from a number of fields..."
"From what fields?"
"Well, -all- of them to be on the safe side..."
"Holy ####ing eggplants! I can't re-assign troops to cover the numbers I think you're thinking of! What do you need to do?! Build a CERN-style particle accelerator on this side of the Gate?! Transplant Palomar-"
"Well, we WOULD like to get a few satellites into orbit...maybe multi-stage sounding rockets on repurposed SCUD mobile launchers- to start with..."
General Hazama groaned, seeing ANOTHER paperwork front opening up, this one with the scientific community...
What A Girl Needs…
Ginza District, Tokyo
Shino walked up to Itami with Lady Panache in tow. "Squad leader? Panache asked me to help her with some personal things."
Itami speculatively looked past Kuribayashi at Panache. "Oh?"
Shino: "Yes, female items." The close combat specialist emphasized.
Itami's brain sounded an alarm. Ew... Itami puts a hand up. "I don't wanna hear the details. You take care of it! Whatever she needs, I don't need to know about it."
Shino rolled her eyes and then smirked. "Yes, squad leader."
Itami frowned as a thought occurred to him. "Wait! Do any of the others need anything?"
Shino shrugged. "Not that anyone has said."
"Well make sure but be discreet!" Itami told her.
"Yes, squad leader!" Kuribayashi replied. She quickly checked with the other ladies, getting no particular interest from Pina, Hamilton, or Lelei, an arched eyebrow from Rory, and blushing from Tuka and Bozes.
Five minutes later, Shino lead Panache into Wacoal Ginza...
Love In The Age of Gates
Call Center: Alnus
Even in the midst of mankind's first inter-dimensional conflict, love still finds a way. Of course, explaining that love to the folks back home is always a task calculated to test the nerves and will. This is even more true in the age of interspecies romance:
Call to Nagoya, Japan
"Hey mom. I'm calling to let you know that I'm coming home and that I met someone! Yes I'm bring her over. She's really nice and I'm sure you two will get along. Oh and while I have you, how do you feel about cats? Allergic huh... Does she have a cat? No... not really. In a manner of speaking..."
Call to Portland, Oregon
"Hey, mom! Coming home for leave and bringing a special someone! Yes, I did! Dad and Little Sis are going to be home? Great! Tell me, though, has sis ever gotten over her fear of snakes?"
Call to Chicago, Illinois
"Dad, I know you really believe what Father Dempsey sez about Hell and Satan and all that, but I'm hoping you don't take it too literally. Why am I bringing this up? Well, I met somebody over on the other side of the Gate and I'm thinking of bringing her to meet you all...and, well, in her case first impressions can be MIGHTY misleading-"
Inspection Day
On a recent visit to inspect the troops deployed across the Gate, one American General saw the unintended consequences of crossing the local gods as he inspected the men of one particular battalion:
Inspecting General: "Why are all the men in 'A' company wearing sunglasses?"
Battalion CO: "They went into a town and there was an accident. A truck crashed into the temple of the Sun god and wrecked the place. So we got an annoyed Sun god who keeps shining the blinding light of the sun in their eyes."
"Alright, but why are the men in 'B' Company all wearing earpieces?"
"They interrupted a music festival at the temple of Lunaryur. Ever since that, they all keep hearing music that isn't there and it's off-key."
The general nodded. "I see. But Colonel? I don't even see 'C 'company. Where are they?"
"Um... Their CO found out one of his men was sneaking out to visit a brothel. So the Captain ordered his men to close it down. That pissed off the goddess of fertility. They've been useless ever since."
"What did she do?"
"Well, that was ten days ago. You know how they say if it lasts for more than four hours, seek medical attention...?"
Random Encounters
Meteorological Station, Alnus
"Judging from the speed and heading one of our weather balloon radio transmitters took after its line broke...we have to conclude something like a wild dragon ate it," an operator reported to the watch commander.
However, the tech beside him was not so certain. "Air elemental. They might have them here."
"Dragon, unless you produce evidence of air elementals."
The watch commander rubbed his eyes. "...Okay, who thought carrying copies of the D&D monster manual was a GOOD idea?!" He asked and reached for his coffee. Taking a sip, he sighed."So what's the recommendation for dealing with this thing?"
"Ah, let's see...Cast Magic Missile," the first tech answered.
"Great! Any of us have that? No? Then GRENADES! PLENTY OF THEM!"
"Well, we can always try to choke it to death with an MRE." someone muttered.
Dragon Envy
As the days of patrols across the local countryside go by for the troops at Alnus, inevitably, while a few may find excitement, most find a pattern of boredom.
"So that Itami guy's got a Disciple, an elf archer, a human mage, dark elf ranger, and maybe even a human princess...yeah, I heard that one from the security detail on the capitol mission, and awards from a dozen kingdoms...That -Navy- guy's got a human noble woman, a rabbit warrior, an elf home maker, a dark elf ranger, and connections to some high houses in the empire...Just what have I got? Fleas and ticks and snakes. Even Anson's got more action than me, and they STILL haven't figured out how to turn him back from being a dragon!"
"They're not even sure he's a dragon, sir...least not one of the local dragon-types," Corporal Jackson replied.
"He's got a FOLLOWING. It's a pattern. People are picking up TEAMS around here."
"You've still got us, Sarge," Private Rawlings put in.
"...remember what I said about fleas and ticks?"
Scientific Method
Imperial Palace, Sadera
"HULK SMASH!"
"...okay...who assigned Doctor Banner to the science team? 'Direct orders of Director Fury'?! Agent Coulson, why are you -grinning-?"
Planning For WHAT?
-Plan Z(rev. 437)—Primary Containment, Attack of Undead/Animated Dead(w/ contagious component)
-Case SnowWhite—Attack on Metropolitan Areas by Subterranean-Dwelling Humanoid Sophonts(see attached Biology Profile#78 'Dwarves')
-Plan Minos—Containment of, Hostile Approach of, Herd of Bisonoid Humanoid Sophonts(see attached Biology Profile#88 'Minotaurs')
-Contingency Hamlin-Municipal Response, Mass Area Non-Physical Mental Attack on Children(aka 'Pied Piper Protocols')
-Case Ragnarok—Open Conflict with Non-Terrestrial God-Entities
Field Reports:
(Selected excerpts from the Pacific Alliance JANUS field groups, Special Region)
-Report #234—
Aerial drone survey of NW grid 12-23 following trade path observed three human females making their way on foot 18.2 km west-northwest of POINT WESTPEG, Alliance responsible sector of Special Region. Appearance and behavior suggested distress, observed subjects attempting to move as quickly as possible, but showing no indication of escort in known bandit territory. Nearest patrol (FOX-SEVEN) informed, and airlifted to point 0.8 kms uproad of subjects and proceeded on foot to intercept and investigate.
Contact made, despite initial attempts by subjects to hide upon seeing approaching patrol, and through use of accompanying local translator, subjects identified themselves as escaped slaves taken in recent regional upheaval. Subjects also indicated they had escaped from a bandit encampment some distance away.
Drone survey directed in general direction and discovered indicated encampment matching subjects' description 5.5 km east-northeast of contact point. Thermal imaging estimated 20-30 occupants, at least a half-dozen mounts. Several outriders also observed by wide-pan survey, presumably looking for escaped slaves, or alerted by noise of aerial patrol.
Informed both JANUSCOM and ITALICA regional liaison. Bandit site deemed too far from ITALICA for appropriate response by augmented local forces, decision made to airlift remainder FOX platoon from POINT WHITEHEAD and reserve HOUND platoon from POINT EARL and attempt aerial encirclement of bandit site. Aerial recon by both drone and scout helicopter confirm body of armed men, no signs of official affiliation Saderan military, and several captives matching initial contacts' description. Target subjects showed signs of attempt to disperse upon observation of recon elements, and aerial suppression fire was initiated to contain attempted breakout. FOX platoon landed, with HOUND in overwatch reserve. Encampment captured with no friendly casualties, 18 confirmed bandit KIA, 6 wounded, total of 14 taken prisoner. Liberated 8 additional slaves. Both prisoners and ex-hostages evaced to Alnus, surviving mounts held in place by campsite survey guards until riders can be transported to take custody, or overland transport arranged for them .
-Report #236—
Engineering Report( 'C' Platoon) —Conducted road condition survey N-NE grid 41-17 with regards to feasibility of supporting armored columns. Sighted what were initially thought to be mounted bandits W-NW of position, but now suspect were elements of Saderan Imperial military, judging from observed personal gear on mounts and riders. Estimate 15-20 riders. Ordered personnel to assume aggressive defensive posture, but mounted party did not advance or venture closer than edge of visibility, and broke off contact after several minutes observation.
On return leg to Alnus, Stabsunteroffizier Wagner reported having a ration bar stolen by what he described as a 'faerie'. As no vomiting faeries or faerie corpses were subsequently observed along the roadside by following vehicles, it is presumed the experience was not immediately fatal to the local life.
-Report #245—
Company 'D', 1st Brigade, 101st Airborne— While engaged in searching for fugitives, got involved in straightening out local contretemps about land use and ownership in the absence of the regional village head and several missing local landowners. In spite of local squabble, managed to capture two known bandits taking refuge in the village.
(Attached note: Can we KEEP Corporal Owens? I'm glad he was cleared for restricted field duty, pending any new progress on clearing up his 'condition', but I haven't seen any sign of the 'draconic atavism' or 'transmorphic stress syndrome' some of the base shrinks were worried about. In fact, he's been the model of discipline in the squad. And damn, but he's got a better sense of smell than a bloodhound; he found that one hiding bandit sight unseen just like that! And having a talking dragon up close and personal shuts up most of the local troublemakers with just a stare—though I did have to discipline Corporal Murray for threatening one particularly vocal party with indicating that Corporal Owens would 'smoke him like a winter ham').
-Report #313—
Squad Charlie, 3rd Para, while investigating cave formations of Ridge 17(map grid 48-61) as possible bandit hideouts, discovered bear. Squad Charlie chased by bear. Requesting permission to keep bear.
-Report #409—
Company 'C', 2nd Brigade, USMC. Patrol on Road 18 fifteen kilometers south of Alnus encountered a small caravan of four dozen locals, horse- and carriage-borne. Conversation facilitated by translator indicates the caravan was of pilgrims on way to pay respects to 'the Sacred Hill of Alnus', that they were from the southern provinces of Sadera, and they were unaware of the recent events in the area. Assured them that the presence of the Alliance would not interfere with their safe passage through the area as long as they followed common sense rules, and that they could likely find good lodging at Alnus-Town, especially if they were willing to talk with humintel about their travels. Encounter convened peacefully and patrol resumed.
-Report #519—
Engineering Report( 'A' Platoon) —Assisted local farmers in rebuilding wooden bridge over creek, N-NW grid 54-14. Had opportunity to talk with local headsman. He indicated a number of local mines in the area that had been abandoned, but not played out, if we were interested. However, he warned that the mines were 'haunted', by what, he did not specify, but urged us to be very cautious. I'm taking that as a hint he would like to see the mines reopened, but doesn't have the resources to deal with whatever moved in on his own. On return to base we checked out the sites from a distance and confirmed the presence of the mines and their apparent abandoned state, but did not approach closer without further instructions or permission to 'dungeon crawl'(as Oberstabsgefreiter Gunther put it).
Communications Breakdown
While being transformed into a powerful dragon with the ability of flight and having attracted a retinue of devoted followers may have had its advantages for Corporal Owens, there were some drawbacks as well...
"Okay. Let's try this again."
TapKRAKzizt
*"…help me mother…I am slain…."*
Owens looked in dismay at the cellphone impaled on his finger-claw.
"That's the fifth one already. I think we better call it a wash."
Corporal Dorn shrugged as he reached over and pulled the dead personal communications device off Owens' large forepaw and tossed it in the garbage bin atop several other late functional electronics.
"Yep, they just don't make touchscreens with dragon claws in mind. Neither sensitive nor tough enough."
"I don't suppose we could ask for something tougher…?"
"Not much, if any, call for that sort of spec in either the military or the commercial market. It would require a custom job and maybe some original R and D. I'm pretty sure your GI medical insurance doesn't cover it either."
"My GI medical insurance got voided on a LOT of things."
"I feel for you, man."
"That's not how the medical establishment defines me."
"You're breaking new ground for a lot of definitions. They just haven't caught up to you yet."
"It just irks me that I have opposable thumbs that clearly mark me as a tool user, but everything's either too small or too fragile to use."
"You're pretty good writing with a Sharpie."
"Yeah, but it means I have to send personal letters poster-rate. And I can't keep imposing on you guys to take my letters."
" Designate some of your followers as scribes. I'm sure they'd be glad to lend you a hand."
"I tried. The last update I sent home, they sent as a vellum scroll, and made it look like a religious proclamation. 'See ye the words of our Great Holy One-". My sister accused me of either going on an ego trip or becoming an evangelist."
"Then I'd keep looking at the idea of some of those adaptive technology workshops for special needs people. I rather think you qualify at this point, though you're not really handicapped overall."
"I suppose I should be grateful for that."
"Well, hey, there's nobody else I know of who has a blood pressure reading equivalent to aircraft hydraulics, who the AMA still certifies as in perfect health."
"Ah yes, and at least the Army's still covering my meals."
"The discovery that you can and will eat bones, stalks, and CANS does help balance the quantity with the ease of clean-up. And I think some of the KP staff see feeding you as something of a professional challenge."
Lessons From A Far Off World
A few years later, Fort Campbell, Kentucky:
"Alright! Maggots! Get your asses in line! You boys may think the little 'accident' that befell Sergeant Dawson yesterday was funny. You may think he was riding you hard. You certainly think you're pretty clever. Well, the Colonel has decided in his infinite wisdom to assign you a new platoon sergeant. I guarantee you won't be pulling your crap with him. He's pulled successive tours in Sadera and he's seen more sh!t than the lot of you ever will."
Anonymous soldier: "Bring 'im on sweetheart!"
Sergeant Major: "I was hoping you'd say that." Calls on body mic. "Sergeant, time to meet your new platoon."
A thirty-foot long dragon wearing the stripes and double rockers of a First Sergeant, landed in front of the platoon.
Sergeant Major: "Well maggots! Say hello to First Sergeant Owens. Try to stay on his good side..."