Spike's Melancholy

Buffy felt horribly guilty sitting outside the operating room, she had promised him that she'd be there, but she couldn't just sit there and helplessly watch his head being cut open. The very idea made her stomach dangerously unsettled and so she pushed those thoughts away, but Buffy doubted it was just her uncharacteristic nausea that was holding her back. The door opened, and the black solider smiled reassuringly at her.

"The OP was a success, the chip has been removed as you requested. I just hope for all our sakes you have made the right decision Miss Summers."

Buffy's face hardened.

"I have. Can I see him now?"

"Of course Miss Summers I just have one final question regarding Agent Finn... When we examined him we found that he had a couple of broken ribs, and several other various injuries, would you mind telling me how he acquired these?"

Buffy shrugged frankly.

"Spike and I had a flesh eater to kill, it was pitch-black down there – you do the math."

A shared understanding passed between the two of them, and Buffy finally went through the doors, to return to Spike's side. She tenderly picked up the pale, delicate looking hand she had discarded. Just as she had calmed herself down, Spike's eyelashes began to flutter, and slowly opened to reveal his beautiful blue eyes. The guilt returned tenfold at the adoring, touched look on Spike's face.

"You stayed..."

Spike breathed out weakly, Buffy felt herself choke as she smiled and with her free hand caressed the side of his face.

"Had to protect my vampire didn't I?"

At her claiming words a look of pure reverence came over his features.

"Did you – do you really mean that?"

Buffy tried to smile in the face of such intense adoration that was verging on worship, but it was like a knife to her heart, another reason for guilt added to the list of many.

"I need you Spike... And anyway, I didn't spend the time nursing you back to health to let a lump of metal and plastic take you away."

Spike chuckled slightly, and pulled himself up into a sitting position.

"So, did I get an upgrade? A bigger, better chip?"

"They asked me, after you were under, whether they should repair or-"

Spike placed a hand over hers; his face was warm and understanding.

"It's ok Buffy, I wouldn't expect anything else. I've got to be kept under control, so that everyone's safe."

Tears gathered in Buffy's eyes at his words, at his belief that he'd need restraint for the rest of his life.

"No you don't."

Spike's eyebrows furrowed together.

"Not sure I followed you round that bend luv."

"Spike, having you with that chip in your head, it was like having you in a muzzle. It was wrong. You don't stop evil by doing evil. You're not a monster anymore! That chip had long surpassed its use, and now you have a soul. That's what's gonna stop you killing people."

Spike looked at her in awe.

"How can I ever thank-"

"You don't have to. It's the least you deserve."

"I never thought I'd ever.... never thought I'd get your trust like this Buffy, not after-"

"I trust you Spike. I have for a long time; you just have to trust yourself. You're a good man; believe in that, because I do."

Spike looked at her touched, but Buffy's heart sunk slightly at the reverence she saw in his grateful gaze, guilt churning around in her stomach. He slowly, almost hesitantly, placed a hand softly at the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her blonde strands, and, looking into her eyes, slowly moved closer, before finally closing his own eyes and gently capturing her lips in a heart-wrenchingly tender kiss. They had been many things together, kinky, needy, passionate and raw, even violent but never tender and loving.... Hope awakened anew in Spike and he felt so full of love, so warm he remembered what it had felt to be in the sun.

*****

Buffy stared warily at the house, her discomfort really grabbing hold of her insides and Spike let go of her hand. He'd held her hand all the way from the labs, their fingers linked together like a `proper couples.' This was a necessary reminder that they weren't.

"I'll be upstairs pet..."

Buffy could sense the disappointment in his voice but it was easier this way. She knew that not many of them were going to welcome 'Free Range Spike'. Taking a deep breath, Buffy followed on after Spike and closed the door behind her.

"Thank God you're back!"

Buffy raised an eyebrow at Xander.

"Oh give me that look all you want but you haven't been the one trying to reassure the Soulless Wicca Vamp that her Sire's okay!"

"I'm sorry Xan, but Spike couldn't wait, and she wouldn't hurt you."

Xander looked her skeptically. "Well, when you attend my funeral, you make sure to repeat that."

Buffy rolled her eyes and entered the living room, the Potentials had been sent upstairs along with Anna, leaving Willow, Dawn,Giles, Xander and Anya looking at her expectedly.

"Spike's chip was degrading; it was firing all on its own all day. I was killing him-"

"So naturally you contacted the Initiative."

Giles interrupted, Buffy nodded strongly.

"I did-"

"And got the Chip repaired."

Giles finished, with the voice of someone trying to defuse an upcoming situation, his eyes daring Buffy to say any different.

"Getting to the labs was crazy difficult and freakishly time consuming. We almost got killed! I don't have time to go through that all again."

"So what are you saying exactly?"

Giles asked, though it was clear to Buffy he already knew the answer but was merely waiting for confirmation.

"I had the chip removed."

Xander looked furious, and before Dawn or Willow could come to Spike's defence, Xander cut them off, his eyes glaring at Buffy.

"So should I write my Will now or later?!"

Buffy shot him a sharp look.

"That chip was wrong, you know it was!"

"It made him safe Buffy! It kept us alive!"

"Spike cannot be trusted Buffy."

Giles said gravely, his eyes disappointed.

"That's not true! He risked everything for me!" Dawn piped up, before Buffy made her final words.

"It was killing him. I've got the First on my back! We're gonna have Ubervamps and ... God knows what else! Now you guys are a lot of help really, but when it comes down to it I'm the only fighter and I can't fight this alone. Spike and I are the warriors of the group, and I need that. I need to have him at my back. I need a warrior; I had to keep him alive."

A slightly hysterical laugh broke into Buffy's heated speech. Cringing, Buffy turned around and met Spike's tear filled eyes.

Hey! Thanks for reading, and as always I eagerly await your views, thanks also to my awesome Beta! Great work!