To feel

Dawn lay there huddled on her bed. She kept replaying the look on Spike's face over and over, how he had just dismissed her. Tears leaked from her eyes, she knew he was hurt – again! She also knew he'd probably want a bit of space, after what Faith did to him... But she and Spike had always been so close!

"Don't cry Niblet"

A soft voice pleaded, Dawn sat up on her bed, her heart pounding, Spike was by her bedroom door, a miserable look on his face.

"Spike, I didn't hear you come in?"

Spike gave her a weak smile, and he came up to her bed.

"Vampire, remember?"

Dawn sniffed, and Spike fell gracefully to his knees.

"I'm sorry, Niblet"

Dawn bit her bottom lip, Spike could see her thin body was quivering slightly.

"Don't want to lose you Spike, not because of –"

Spike rose his head, from where he had been looking down at the floor, and stared straight into her eyes.

"I love you Little'Bit, alright... You're the only bleedin' one around here whose ever given a monkey's about – you saw the man in the monster before anyone even knew there was one."

"Spike-"

"You're the best friend I've had in 3 centuries, I ain't ever leaving your side Niblet, not whilst you still want me there"

Dawn smiled at him, a slight tease in her eyes now.

"You promise?"

"Till the end of the world."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Buffy sighed tiredly, she'd been waiting outside Spike's crypt for what seemed like hours now. She gave herself a small smirk, as she quipped to herself that all she needed now was a half-lit cigarette, a leather jacket and she'd totally have Spike at his 'lurking-outside' game.

"You waiting for something?"

A voice sarcastically asked from behind her, Buffy whirled around surprised, she'd assumed Spike would be in his crypt with Anna.

"Not anymore I'm not"

Buffy responded softly, unable to tear her gaze away from how beautiful Spike looked when the moonlight illuminated his platinum waves. Slowly, she began to approach him

"Stay where you are, Slayer"

Spike barked at her, and Buffy couldn't stop herself sighing in frustration.

"What is it gonna take Spike, you gonna need to hurt me? Is that it?"

Buffy asked, swinging her arms out and revealing her chest. She felt so frustrated and such a loss as to what to do, deep down she found herself just wishing that was the case, at least then they could move on from it! But Spike shook his head, and his face fell forward, half of it falling into shadow, as he tilted his face towards her.

"I'm finished with you, Slayer-"

"No!"

Buffy cut in, before rushing forward, she only stopped when Spike began to furiously snarl at her.

"I said stay where you are!"

He thundered, and then Buffy realised – he was scared. His entire body was taut with tension.

"I understand you're scared,-"

Buffy began, but Spike cut her off with a mocking laugh.

"Scared? Scared! What because I attacked you, you know how I feel? You don't have a bloody clue!"

Buffy looked at him stoically, Spike meanwhile looked absolutely livid.

"You don't have hands over your bare skin, didn't have them touching you, wanting them in all the bloody wrong places! You didn't-"

"I stopped you"

Buffy cut in, her voice cold with fury.

"WELL I COULDN'T!"

Spike cried out, his voice almost breaking and Buffy closed her eyes.

"I couldn't stop it, I couldn't do anything! I thought I bloody wanted it! Though wanted her!"

Spike seemed to have yelled himself hoarse, as he quietened, Buffy opened her eyes again and Spike looked into them helplessly.

"I thought I loved her."

"I know, I know"

Buffy whispered, softening at Spike's distress. She gave him a soft smile.

"Wanna help me patrol for a bit?"

Spike considered her for a moment, before nodding slightly

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"I think she's sorry you know"

Dawn whispered suddenly, after the pair had sat where they were in not quite comfortable silence.

"Been there too many times, Niblet"

Dawn sighed in regret, but she looked into his pleadingly, urging him to see the truth in her words.

"But this is different, she's different. She misses you"

Spike snorted bitterly, he looked away from her, and to a small patch of her carpet.

"Course she bloody does, who wouldn't miss their ever bleeding faithful puppy?"

Dawn shook her head.

"It's not like that"

Spike shot an angry glance in her direction at that.

"Since when did you become her bloody advocate?"

Dawn met his angry look unblinkingly.

"Since she changed, since she realised what a mess she's made of everything! She has changed! You just don't want to see it"

Spike looked at her hurt.

"S'not that simple"

Dawn looked at him sadly.

"You deserve to be happy, Spike. You both do"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Hardly any demons were around, certainly not enough for both of them, in any case Spike seemed content to let Buffy do all the slaying for him.

"I don't want to lose her, Buffy"

He whispered quietly, Buffy looked at him sadly.

"Anna..."

She guessed. Spike looked at her helplessly.

"She's my Childe! My kin!"

"We're do all we can, I promise"

Buffy rose an eyebrow slightly.

"For what it's worth"

Spike looked at her silently for a moment; there was an emotion in his eyes she couldn't quite register.

0-0-0-0-0

"I'd better go Niblet. Anna, she'll wonder where i've gone"

Spike told her softly. Dawn smiled at him, but she held a serious expression in her eyes.

"Just think about it"

Spike stared at silently for a moment, before nodding.

"Go to sleep now, I'll see you later, Niblet"

Dawn smiled, she turned to her bedcovers to tuck herself in, but when she looked back, Spike had gone.

0-0-0-0-0

"Go to her Spike, really I can finish up here"

Buffy told him, as she finished the slaying the latest Vampire. Really he was little use in this state, he hadn't killed a single thing, she couldn't ever remember a time when Spike turned down an opportunity to kill something ... He doesn't want to be here, she thought.

"Go, go be with Anna"

She told him again, and Spike stared at her, that odd emotion in his eyes again, before inclining his head towards her and walking back towards his crypt. Buffy watched his retreating back and sighed, she had only felt like she had truly lost Spike once before now, and she felt just as useless then as she did now...

0-0-0-0-0

"I envy all of you so much you know"

Buffy whispered sincerely, her blonde tresses swayed as she smiled softly at Anna.

"You're all so alive! Full of hunger, drive and passion!"

Anna looked at her unimpressed.

"Yeah, and hurt, hatred and –"

"Love"

Buffy whispered softly, and with a mocking chuckle, she glanced down at herself, before looking into Anna's dark eyes.

"Do you know how much love is in this form? It's like a fire"

Anna stood unmoved before her, she wrapped arms across her chest. The technique Spike had taught her.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Maybe I want someone to understand"

The First answered lightly, Anna scoffed.

"Not bloody likely"

Buffy smiled at her, but her green eyes looked mocking.

"Oh that is cute! But you've got me all wrong, you know... All of you have"

Anna rose an eyebrow, and she walked closer.

"Oh right, so you're not some incorporeal ghost trying to destroy us and the world-"

"Why would I want to do that?"

Buffy exclaimed, genuine confusion shone in her green eyes.

"I'm tied to the earth, its life force! Why would I want to destroy what keeps me?"

Buffy snorted bitterly then. A look of sadness flickered across her face.

"What sustains me?"

Anna's arms began to loosen.

"Then what do you want?"

Buffy's eyes looked at her so desperately, were filled with such longing they almost looked like they were burning.

"To live. I want to live."

Her broke, and Anna looked at the First completely thrown.

"I want something real, Anna! I want to exist!"

Anna's arms fell to her sides, she looked at The First in bewilderement.

"But then why-"

"No!"

Buffy suddenly interrupted her face now full of alarm. She stared at Anna beseechingly.

"He's coming. Please, promise me you won't say anything! Not yet!"

Anna's eyes narrowed in renewed suspicion.

"Why not?"

Buffy looked at her desperately.

" Just please! I'll come back, I'll come back here and you can ask all the questions you want! Just please!"

The door of the crypt flung open, and seeing the maddening look on Buffy's face, Anna nodded and The First disappeared just as Spike entered the room. Anna whirled round to face her Sire, he was scanning the room with a suspicious look on his face.

"Has someone been here?"

He demanded. Anna scoffed.

"Like who?"

Spike relented, but his eyes still held that suspicion.

"I want you to be careful, promise me you won't go anywhere on your own-"

"WHAT!"

Anna screeched outraged.

"Anna,"

Spike tried to explain, but Anna wouldn't have any of it.

"Save it! It's too late ok! It's too late to play the 'Concerned Sire Card' now"

"Anna, -"

"No, no where were you a couple of weeks ago? Didn't give a damn then! Too busy playing puppy dog eyes with the Slayer!"

Spike flinched.

"I'm sorry"

Spike apologised lowly, but Anna just shook her head.

"Don't bother! I get it alright! You're in love with her, just don't act all concerned now cos' it's all gone to rot-"

"I've always cared!"

Spike bellowed over her.

"Buffy and I, we're finished. I'm done. It's you and me now, Anna"

Anna's face crumbled, her eyes glistened with tears.

"Only because you're too broken to be with her!"

Spike looked at her horrified.

"That's not true"

Anna shrugged.

"I think it is."

Spike screwed his eyes shut. He looked like he was burning.

Sorry for the massive pause, but I hope you all like this chapter! Eagerly awaiting your views,

Regards

Lisi the slayer