The Janus Campaign
The Janus Files 3: The Wrath of Janus
We're back with more outtake insanity for your amusement while we work on future updates.
As with the first excerpts of the Janus Files, over the course of the writing of The Janus Campaign, some bits have arisen, mainly produced by my readers, describing incidents that may or may not have happened during the course of the events in this story... Many of these were provided by taalismn
We present more of these here. Enjoy!
Knight Club, not Night Club
Generic Noble Fop: "THE NERVE! Did you see that?! That parochial baronial get just unhorsed the Earl of Rortorium's son! Does she have no sense of propriety? Does she have any idea of respect for her superiors?"
Grey: "I suspect she is of the idea that proper knighthood is not games and dalliances, as the Earl's son seems to think, but practice for war and war is no respecter of a person's station. That will serve her well on the battlefield."
Bon Appetit!
Captains Pierce, Hunnicutt, and McIntyre walk out of another shift in OR along with Major Winchester.
"Somebody... What's that smell?" Hawkeye asks confused as a strange aroma cuts across the compound.
Trapper sniffs. "Hawk... Hey! That smells like food!"
"Real food? Out here?" Hawkeye looks dubious. "Our nostrils must be hallucinating. So is it from the garbage or the cesspool, because nothing that good comes out of the mess."
"The wind is coming from the east... " Trapper notes.
"My god! It IS the mess tent! I wonder what happened?"
"Well, let's go take a look," BJ suggested. The four men walk over.
"The sauce.." Winchester sniffs. "The exact nature eludes me, but the meat is definitely veal, gentlemen!"
They note Sergeant Rizzo smirking. "Rizzo... Would you happen to have an idea what's going on here?"
"Well, Capt'n, Sirs... Normally, I'd think maybe some sort of favor would be appropriate but seein' how with your sirs' kind cooperation, we can all benefit, allow me to introduce Grelkar."
They look over to see an eight-foot-tall orc adding a touch of seasoning to a pot of sauce.
"You see, his tribe comes down from the mountains every fall before the freeze comes in up there. And Every year, the Impys chase 'em back up. Some get so hungry, they sign up with 'em just to get three squares. But all of a sudden, with the Impys driven off, more of them have been moving downslope. Grelkar and some of his friends just wandered in looking for work and a decent meal. You know I got work but as for the meal... I could only offer 'em what we got."
Grelkar brings over a plate to the officers. His rough voice surprisingly tinged with gentleness and pride. "The quality of your food actually is much better than what the Legions have. It just needs some fine-tuning with some of the local herbs and seasonings."
Winchester inhales the aroma coming from the plate with relish. "May I?" He gestures to the fork.
"Certainly!"
Winchester savors a bite, swallows. "Sir! If ours were a civilized nation, you would be KING!"
Alnus Town Police Blotter
Alnus is now big enough that its Police Blotter makes for very interesting reading, despite Deputy Constable Myuute's dislike of paperwork...
*Tourists/Pilgrims asking what everything is to the point of annoyance.
*Mercenaries(your locally raised RPG adventuring murder-hobos) looking for work.
*Riot at the new orc delicatessen over the last plate of meat rolls.
*Attempts to set up a Thieves' Guild.
*Break up a group of Mirita cultists trying to perform a 'public blessing', sans clothing, in a public open space.
*Convincing the three toughs that the 'magic crackling water' (actually bottles of soda they stole from the PX) really doesn't make them drunk or give them superpowers(and, no, belching Imperial Legion marching songs isn't a power or a skill).
*Issuing citations for failures to comply with posted public health and hygiene regulations.
*Attempts to set up a brothel.
*Informing a newly-arrived cultist of the 'Glorious One' that punching out members of rival cults as 'honoring the Glorious One' is frowned upon, even if the other religionists DID mistake them for a courtesan.
*Riots at the new orc delicatessen over the first plate of breakfast meat rolls.
* 'Ng, (self-declared) Apostle of the Supreme One of True Falmart!'(he's a crazy wild man with an Imperial Eagle he swiped off the battlefield tied to his head and waving a staff he claims is magic-The constables usually just tip him into a garbage cart and roll him out of town for a day or two of peace and quiet for them)
Political Bedfellows
Two years after the start of the expedition, a crusading politician arrives on an inspection tour, ready to 'blow the lid' off of 'corruption, abuse, and immorality'
"There is a BROTHEL right across from the constables' office! This is outrageous!"
"My establishment is NOT a Brothel! We are a locally owned and operated, licensed 'Social Club'!"
"Senator Babcock, this is Mizari. She's the manager of the Lucky Strike. Mizari. this is Senator Babcock, he's just arrived from the States to find out all the little dirty secrets. He needs to see what's really going on so if you could make sure he understands the full picture of the Saderan Experience, I can think of no one better suited to show him everything he needs to know."
"Of course, Lieutenant Taylor. Come, Senator, there are some things you should see right away!"
"Taylor?" Itami asks, watching Mizari escort the Senator inside. "Don't you feel a little guilty for doing this?"
"Not a chance. The difference between Mizari and the Senator is she's more honest and frankly when she's done with him, he'll at least have a smile to show for it. "
The NEW Ancestry dot com
"Oh yeah, and in addition to the elf and minotaur genes, you also have the genetic markers for English Oak trees, so you likely have a little sylph blood in your background."
Physical Training
Taylor has neither the build of a horseman or an accomplished swordsman
Panache: "We will work on this. Long hours of practice will provide what your softer life has not."
Aenaire: "Galador needs your good example!"
Aurelia: "We will teach you to be stronger and having greater endurance."
Taylor: "What do I have to endure?"
Nayu: "Us."
Itami *Laughs*
The Dirty XII
"By order of Prince Zorzal, I have been authorized to select twelve prisoners facing either execution or extended incarceration. Those selected will receive intense training to perform a mission, the details of which you will be informed when it is deemed necessary. Any act of disobedience by any one of you will result in ALL of you being returned here for immediate execution of sentence. His most magnanimous Majesty has promised that any of you who survive the successful completion of this mission will be granted a full pardon."
"Seriously, sire?"
"Of course, Herm. If I want results, I need the proper encouragement, And I mean everything I said... Except that last part of course..."
"Sire... Perhaps you shouldn't say that last part in front of the prisoners?"
"Hmmm... Good point! Execute them all immediately and bring in the next group!"
Pizza Wars
In business news: Little Caesar's seeks deal to begin franchising in the Empire…
"Falmartan Orcish-Lebonese Fusion Deli Franchise Seeks Foothold in Earth Cities. Subway, McDonald's, BurgerKing Rumored to be Seeking Injunctions."
Television campaigns on Earth:
In the background, a stone tower burns amid the din of battle. A man dressed in a brown suit and fedora pulls a battered figure in Imperial garb into the room. Another, older figure wearing a black suit, with a white bowtie, gestures to the open chair across from him...
"Salutations, your Highness. I've come to make you an offer you can't refuse." A large pizza with the works is set in front of the Zorzal knockoff.
"Godfather's Supreme Pizza!"
A battered imperial soldier enters a moment later: "The battle is lost, Sire! What shall we do?"
"I don't know! This Godfather's Supreme Pizza is more than I can handle!"
Narrator: "Godfather's Pizza! Cut your own deal!"
Competing ad:
Three female knights on horseback...
"The battle is won! The enemy is retreating!"
"We should mark our victory with food and celebration!"
"Yes, but what? We had Chinese last night."
"Pizza?"
They look down as dirty villagers fumble around a box that looks suspiciously like a certain competitor's
"Not Little Caesars..."
"No! Tonight we feast at ROUNDTABLE!" All three raise swords.
Announcer: "Roundtable... A Civilized Pizza."
...
Does the Excalibur Special come with a breadstick stuck in its center?
Mordred Extra Pepper? "It will stab you in the tastebuds!"
Lancelot French Bread Pizza? "So good you'll be afraid to leave your girlfriend alone with it."
Lady in the Lake ice-cream float?
"No, sir, we do NOT have a Holy Grail Ever-Filling Soft Drink Gulp. You're confusing us with BurgerGod's Water-to-Wine."
Faery Tales
This follows the initial recruitment and equipping of Fae in the Allied Army
Typical armament: Chemically coated swords, laser target designators, modified anti-mosquito lasers:
"Okay, the glittery one answers to the callsign 'White Wing'. the crazy naked one's called 'Horsefly', the sleepy-looking one insists on being called 'Tsetse', though that might be her actual name for all we know. That, over there's 'Black Widow'. The blue one? Don't EVER call her a 'Smurf'. Just. Don't."
...
Faeries attacking an armored Ogre:
"That armor's too strong for lasers. Use your harpoon and tow cables!"
Special Ops Training:
"I'm wondering if you Australian military intelligence types are wanting to top your longer-experienced European counterparts for cold practicality or sheer nastiness because I'm pretty sure that issuing locally-raised faerie commando squads needles coated in jellyfish-derived toxin is NOT public relations material, and may even count as a war crime. Likewise, advising said faeries in 'up the kilt' shots with said needles."
"'Hamlet runs', sir. They're training them in what they call 'Hamlet runs'. I wonder why?"
"Shakespeare. Hamlet's father is killed by poison poured in his ear. Absolutely ridiculous in the play, but if you're small and fast enough to target such a vulnerable part in real life, it might just work with the right tools. Somebody's got both an education in the classics AND a nasty sense of humor."
DragonBalls
*TWOOP*
*TWOOP*
*TWOOP*
*TWOOP*
"Whatcha doing. Owens?"
*TWOOP*
*TWOOP*
"Practicing my golf swing."
*TWOOP*
*TWOOP*
"You're batting basketballs with your tail."
*TWOOP*
"Up to a couple of miles, too."
*TWOOP*
#BLAM#
"What was that?!"
"Skeet. Downrange of us, there's an air defense battery. They're practicing engaging small high-speed airborne targets, just in case we encounter something like that here. I get driving practice, they get gunnery practice."
"Ah, explains how you got a budget for so many basketballs."
*TWOOP**TWOOP*
#BLAM#BLAM#
"Also got a bet going, how many they can hit versus how many I can blast past them."
"What's the wager-?"
#BLAM#BLAM#pop
"Got one."
*TWOOP*
#BLAM#pop
"By the way, nice cap."
"Thanks. One of the Brits got it for me when he heard I was basketball-driving. Don't know where he got one my size, though."
*TWOOP*
#BLAM#pop
"I don't think it's 'you' sized, as much as it's 'Nessy-sized'."
"Don't be ridiculous; why would anybody have caps this size just laying around?"
*TWOOP*
#BLAM#BLAM#
"I dunno, Scottish novelty gift?"
"Yeah, probably."
*TWOOP*
#BLAM#BLAM#
"They missed that one."
*TWOOP*
"Ewww...bad slice..."
"Damn! That went off-course! I was aiming for the green! I can't see where that one went, can you?"
"Nope. But it probably just came down in the woods.".
"We'll find it later. Nobody in their right mind's in the wilderness hereabouts anyway since we declared a clear zone around the fort."
"Yep."
Giselle: "So this is where those 'Men in Green' are encamped! I'll just wait and see what I can observe until I can get in and take another shot at Ror-what's the-"
#WHOMP-OP*thud*(stars)
She's A Maneater!
Nayu: "Mother... I can't believe you!"
Indras: "Dear, I've gone without the touch of a man since your father passed. I can't help it if I have a personal taste for humans. A taste which you seem to have inherited, little one."
Nayu (Blushing): "That's not the point!"
Indras: "Then what is the point? Sweetheart, you worry too much over little things. Like your grandmother says, propriety is highly overrated. And honey, look at it from my point of view: It's been over two hundred YEARS! You should thank me that I was able to wait until we got back to our world! Now if you'll excuse me, there's a handsome man going to waste in my bed." Walks off.
Taylor: "What was that about?"
Nayu: "My mother. And Humans are back on the menu..."
Holy Moly!
The Papal investigative team, after a hard day just getting oriented, doing a few interviews, and learning some of the lay of the land, stumbling into an AlnusTown cafe for some refreshment and momentary normalcy...
"Okay, we have local gods with supercharged apostles-"
"Elves..."
"Pantheonic churches with human followers-"
"Messianic cults worshipping transformed humans-"
"Come again? I missed that."
"The golden dragon."
"So THAT's what that was."
"-Angelic prostitutes-"
"Hooobbboooyyyy is that going to result in some fan-hitting back home-"
"-and good Catholic succubi."
"What is our stance on all this?"
"I just want some normalcy. Not another Inquisition. Just good traditional values and normalcy."
It Figures
With the mission of the head of the Schatze Toy Company to Falmart came the inspiration for an exclusive line of collector figures…
Zorzal: "What do you mean, you and your men are defecting?"
General: "Princess Pina's people have something called 'merchandising deals'. We've seen these 'collector figures.' Clearly, Pina's knights are being worshipped as Demigods. And given the choice of fighting them or joining them? Joining is looking kind of good, sire."
What A Scoop, Miss Lane!
And...reporters! Oh! The opportunities for mischief there.
"What did we tell you about uninspected artifacts in the town bazaar?"
"DoN'T haNDle tHEm UnTil aN inSpecToR cAn DecLarE thEm sAFe?"
"There's a REASON that unicorn is tied up and rigged with an explosive collar. You're lucky you only lost a few fingers. That thing tried to take out a soldier's pelvis."
"Your credentials say you're with 'The Manchester Times Daily' NOT 'Alternative Lifestyles Journal'. This establishment is off-limits to your reporting purview."
"Sergeant, hold my knife please."
"Please respect the fact that not all Falmart natives like having their pictures taken, even after having it explained to them that the process doesn't steal their soul. That was brought up during your Pre-Gate Briefing. Thus, nobody will be reimbursing you for the destruction of your camera. "
"Gorgo, that was pure bullshit you told those reporters. Do you have any idea how that's going to be printed back on Earth?"
"No, we are NOT arranging a special media bus to go watch gladiatorial combats in Sadera! Whatever gave you that idea?!"
"No, I cannot tell you how many Knights of the Rose are lesbians! And no, you may NOT ask them that question!"
The Empire Strikes Back!
"Ah! Princess Pina! How delightful!"
"General Tarquin... I should have recognized your foul stench when I was brought inside!"
Taylor-Octavus Guide To Matrimonial Harmony (Printed with His/Her sections)
*"Sleeping on the Couch: How to Avoid It. How to Enforce It. How to Revoke It Without Hard feelings. Recommended Positions for Sleeping on Couch(subsections: with bruises/broken ribs/ mad passionate lover wrapped around you)
*"Removing the Dog from the Bed. Reasons NOT to Remove the Dog from the Bed. Getting Him/Her to Remove the Dog. Keeping the Dog from Following You to the Bed. Avoiding an Assassin's Attack Dog in Bed(see subsection: Pillows as Weapons/Non-Lethal Weapons/Lethal Weapons-see also Bedclothes: Use in Self-Defense-Armored Pajamas. Razor-Wire Lace. Lingerie- Ribbons*, Use as Weaponry)
*(*Dressing Sharply-How to Avoid Cutting Yourself to Shreds with Your Own Concealed Weaponry)
*"Budgeting for Siege Warfare: Furniture Selection. Sofas as Battering Rams/Barricades. Balancing Household Comfort Vs Household Security on a Limited Income."
*"How to Say NO to Her Wanting a New Damascus Steel Sword. How to Say NO to Him Wanting a War Galley."
*For Men: Win the battle? Lose the War. How to de-escalate
Your Wives-Your Allies. Surviving the Mother-In-Law Conundrum
Children and the "She's not MY mom" dilemma…
Sharp Dressed Lady…
"How is it that you're only wearing a single metal ribbon that I know is sharper than a scalpel's edge, you're moving quickly around, and have not lost a substantial part of your chest, disemboweled yourself, or cut your legs off at the hips? It's not double-sided tape."
"Magic."
"Not buying it."
"Victoria's secret."
"They're not into that sort of thing."
"No, I don't mean that 'chain store', though they don't sell chains there, in Tokyo, I mean Victoria, who runs that fitting shop in Italica."
"The succubus with the oni husband? The shop both the local pimps and the town militia avoid like a dragon's lair? The shop Kaine gets a sputtering blush and excuse-me-quick expression if it gets mentioned in conversation? THAT shop?"
"The very same."
"Okay, I believe it."
A 'Universal' Apology
After the Peace Accords:
Panache: "So, husband, you're going to have the manor house 'wired' is it?"
Taylor: "Yes, love. Solar generator, electric lights, modern refrigeration, and kitchen."
Panache: "You'll do this yourself?"
Taylor: "No. I'm hiring a professional to handle it. Meet Mister Carr."
Carr: "Call me Eddie, please, ma'am... Oh! And this is my wife Marge and our son Sean."
Marge: "Hello, How do you do?"
Taylor: Now Eddie, do you and your wife feel that the hiring contract is sufficient? I kind of DON'T want to have my tech expert feeling short-changed and mistreated."
Eddie: "Very fair, Mr. Taylor. Marge has been telling me that my job with Universal Engineering was going nowhere."
Betting Pool
Taylor: "How's the tally, Chief?"
Richardson: "Well, Nakamura, Kobayashi, and I figure that being transformed by Magic is worth at least 20 points. So is being targeted by a god. A demi-god is worth 10 points, as is being cursed by a mage, or gaining a local enemy. So Owens already has 20 pts and will probably attract the attentions of at least one local god and their apostle. We figure he'll clear 50 points. Lieutenant Itami has made an enemy for life and attracted the attentions of TWO Demi-gods and likely the boss of one of them. So he's at 30 points and likely to hit 50. And you, skipper, Have attracted the attention of a local god, a local demi-god, will probably get the attention of the demi-god's boss. That puts YOU in line to hit 50 points as well."
"I see. That's terrible!"
"What are you going to do, skipper?"
"Zorzal has a younger brother. If I piss him off, that'll bring me up to 60. Get the camera, chief."
"Sure boss... What for?"
"I'm gonna send him picks of my kissing his ex-girlfriend."
"Are you crazy?"
"You're right, chief. Better ask Panache to sign the back before I mail it."
Dragon-able
"Okay, let's see what you can do, Owens. Let's go down the list so far."
"Okay."
"You can fly."
"Check."
"Still working on the landings, though."
"…don't remind me."
"You have a, quote, 'bloodhound sense of smell', unquote."
"Check."
"You have excellent distance vision."
"Check. Oh, and I can see a penny on the ground."
"That's not so impressive-"
"From seven thousand feet up, while moving. I seem to be able to spot loose change in particular above everything else. Pretty much gleaned out the battlefield around Alnus of loose coins."
"I hope this isn't a prelude to hoarding wealth."
"Nah, I just seem to sense money."
"Right. I'm sure you'll be beating the metal detector beachcombers back home if and when you can get back."
"If, I know the talk going around about quarantining me here indefinitely. I can hear really well-"
"Right, check off exceptional hearing. Okay, moving right along. You're clad in skin tougher than kevlar."
"Yeah. Didn't lessen the burn though when I skidded to a landing helping out Wiserman's patrol."
"He thought you were showing off. Sounded impressive as hell the way you dynamic-entried between him and the centaurs*."
"I was TRYING to. Didn't quite pull it off as I planned."
"Okay, and that leads us next to the fact that you heal fast."
"Yep, road rash was gone the next day."
"Moving along; now according to Sergeant Malthus, you cast directional eye beams during the earthquake rescue."
"I don't remember that."
"We have at least a dozen corroborating witnesses to the fact."
"Okay, so it must be true then."
"Hoping for eye LASERS?"
"Isn't that what everybody's hoping for?"
"Nightmare for some folks who know of you; a big golden dragon with LASERS. But, yes, everybody else thinks it would be damn cool."
"-Betting pool good on it?"
"Only the when. Everybody thinks it's a sure thing."
"Right. Here's hoping I don't disappoint."
"Moving along, you can eat an entire drum of spam without opening the can."
"What's the superpower, eating the can or the spam?"
"It's a package deal. Impressive either way."
"You forgot to mention I don't seem to suffer any digestive upsets."
"Yeah, you killed an entire line of dragon fart jokes right there. "
"For which I am eternally grateful. I get enough cheese-cutting jokes already."
"You got claws and teeth that put Damascus steel to shame."
"Hey, I also got molars that can grind a steel drum to easily digested shavings-"
"I know, The base dentist is writing a book on it."
"He is? And he's cutting me out of the publishing rights?"
"It's unlikely to move beyond the in-house dentistry school press sales, so you're not missing your cut of a national bestseller.**"
"Bwhahahahaahha! Good, it is to laugh."
"Okay, claims that you're supposed to be capable of miracles-"
"Which disturbs me to no end. I got all these people claiming that I'm supposed to be able to do all these incredible things like my predecessors, but I can't. I mean, I didn't ask for this, but now that I am, I really don't want to disappoint. Those folks out there? They BELIEVE-"
'You want to know something, Ans? The general consensus among those folks out there is that you're capable of all that miracle stuff, but just not YET. Seems the Golden One gets a breaking-in period doing small stuff and building up before they can start moving mountains They're willing to wait."
"Oh boy."
"So you got some time."
"Can I get a wise old Jedi master to help me?"
"Maybe whoever gave you that ring-"
"Getting the feeling that old lady cut and ran and we won't be seeing her again any time soon."
"Oh yeah, and that brings to your final observed speculative super ability. You're a chick magnet."
"*choke*-they're my …my FOLLOWING, like Twitter, not my HAREM!"
"I dunno, a lot of non-dragonoid women are looking at you."
"Probably wondering when the big galoot is going to get out of their way."
"No, I wouldn't say you're a sex symbol, but you're definitely getting interest, even if any relationship would be platonic, And Desiree is definitely crushing on you, and that's a lot closer biologically-."
"DON"T go there. Even on a bet. Again, I've heard the talk. Though she's not so bad now as she was in the beginning. Getting to know her supposed boss isn't godlike. Less fangirl and more really good friend-"
" Who's looking to offer extra benefits somewhere down the road. Your relationship is maturing, on both sides. That's making you look even better to a lot of other people. Expect more attention, especially if people sense that free-range dragons aren't territorial. But seriously, a lot of interest in your before and after photos. People seem to think your current form's an improvement over your driver's license photos."
"Didn't you hear? I no longer HAVE a driver's license; it got suspended. Seems nobody likes the idea of a thirty-foot dragon joyriding on the highway, Too distracting."
"You threaten to land ON the highway? Or buzz the control tower?"
"Staying out of trouble would thereby NOT be one of my new abilities."
**"And in a surprise turn of events, Booklist announced that the best selling book of 2020 is 'Looking the Dragon in the Teeth', an account of the adventures of a military dentist in Alnus-"
More Press Shenanigans
"No, Desiree, you're not allowed to stab the journalist."
"Wasn't planning to."
"Good-"
"Didn't say anything about WEDGIES-"
YANK!
"YYYIiIiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiIIIIiiiiiiIIII!"
"…Honest to god, Sarge, I did NOT teach her that, I swear."
Sith Happens
Several years in the future:
Lord Vulkos was nervous. Word had come from the Capital that Lord Octavus was arriving today to inspect the dam and the new aqueducts that were already months behind their completion dates. Not that such things had ever mattered before, his father assured him. Skimming from the construction budget was nothing new. Things got done when they got done. It was the way things were.
But no one had ever told Lord Octavus that. The Inspector-General was immune to discussions of 'How things were done'.
And he had just arrived.
Vulkos and his aides watched nervously as the driver opened the door to Octavus' carriage and the Inspector General stepped out, his black armor and helmet shining, trailing a black cape. He did not remove his helmet but merely stared at Vulkos expectantly.
"Lord Octavus! We are honored by your presence..."
"You may dispense with the pleasantries Governor. The Empress is displeased with your apparent LACK of progress. I'm here to put you BACK on schedule."
"Her Highness asks the impossible! I need more men!"
"Then it is fortunate I have brought MY men to assist you." His men were all trained engineers. They would point out every alteration of the approved plans. They would tell where cheaper materials were used... There would be an accounting.
"I'm certain we can overcome any... problems."
"I hope so... For your sake. The Empress is not as forgiving as am I." Octavus turned and walked back to his carriage, he got in, waited for the driver to close the door and removed the heavy helmet. Next to him, Lady Panache grinned.
"When will you give up these childish antics, my husband?"
"When they either stop being funny or lose their impact on these crooked little worms."
"I see. Still, the Empress is expecting us for supper. Please leave that," she pointed to the helmet. 'Behind."
"As you wish, my Lady."
Rumblings in the Pantheon
Gods of Falmart:
*Emroy
—War God. Favors 'honorable death' with regards to those he holds in good regard. Seems fair-minded and fairly tolerant( as war reaps all). Well regarded in the violent lands of Falmart. Seems to prefer to let his Apostle do all the walking and talking.
Apostle: Rory Mercury(human)
*Hardy—Goddess of the Underworld. Opened the Gate to Earth, apparently for shits and giggles, irregardless of how much turmoil, death, and destruction it might generate. Wants Rory Mercury as consort. Can be quite callous with regards to her followers, as exemplified with her treatment of the Dark Elves. Is powerful and pervasive enough that most surface dwellers associate the underground with Hardy's real(ref: Bozes' negative reaction to the Tokyo subway system).
Apostle: Giselle(dragonoid)
*Corus—Appeared as a shepherd near Alnus Hill. Favorably disposed towards the Alliance and its policies. Known to the likes of King Duran, who takes Corus's advice seriously.
Apostle: Unknown; may like to do his own PR.
*Fure—Sun God. Still able to curse those who disrespect sun temples.
Apostle: Unknown
*Zufmuut— God of Law and Order and former god of the Succubi. Cursed them with the virtual elimination of male births, when they refused to go to war for him.
Apostle: Unknown
*Palapon—God of Vengeance. Has a well-supported temple-presence in the Saderan capitol.
Apostle: Unknown
*Miritta—Goddess of Fertility. Patron Goddess of the Thraken, but lost organizational control of her following to her ambitious Apostle who remade Miritta worship to favor Humans, though she can still muster up curses on those who violate her temples. Recently sought the aid of Taylor to establish a sanctuary for Thraken religious dissidents.
Apostle: Miritta(original name unknown, as the Apostle is posing as her)(Human)
*Lunaryur(appeared in an omake segment)—Deity associated with music. Vindictive curser if her/his(?) temple festivities are interrupted.
Apostle: Unknown
*Kulkulan the South Wind(non-canonical, mentioned in the Dragonkine histories)— God of the southern jungle lands. What records of him exist paint him as similar in nature to some of the Meso-American warrior deities, with an apparent favoring of regular blood sacrifice to commemorate events, particularly cyclical occasions such as solstices. Sent his Apostle to the court of the ascendant Dragonkine and triggered an incident with far-reaching effects for the Dragonkine. Not KNOWN to be active in the Saderan area of Falmart.
Apostle: Haunhak (but has not been heard of in centuries).
*Aumbras(non-canonical)—Goddess of Darkness and the Underworld. May have been once more powerful in the past, but has fallen on hard times, owing to the fact that she is one of the more jealous and insecure goddesses. Early on she established herself as the Goddess of the Blue/Gray Elves, and has become covetous of them ever since, seeing them as her personal property. Aumbras has turned inward, feeling safer in lording it over the communities of the Blue Deep caves, than in trying to spread her influence and gain followers outside the Blue/Gray Elves. Life for her 'chosen' is actually pretty good if you're in the upper classes and don't mind constantly praising Aumbras and dealing with neighbors eager to prove they're more pious than you, but it frankly sucks to be of the lower classes, who rarely feel the benediction of Aumbras. There's not a whole lot of love among the lower classes for Aumbras, though only the insane or suicidal dare voice their true feelings on the matter. Aumbras is thus very paranoid about other gods stealing away her followers, -especially- after the Golden One of the Dragonkine interceded on the part of abused elven peasants. Aumbas saw the humanitarian gesture as a power-grab of her property(especially when the elves started to turn to Golden Dragons as objects of veneration) and in return participated in the smackdown of the Dragonkine and cracked down hard on her elves afterwards, to eliminate the dissidents.
Aumbras has fallen on harder times of late since Hardy has been moving in on her territory, to the point that most surface folks associate the underground with Hardy instead. Hardy's also realized that the Blue/Gray Elves are potentially valuable as minions, more so than the Dark Elves of the surface. The return of the Golden One and the revelation that not all the dragon-worshippers were eliminated, will drive Aumbras to even deeper depths of depression and rage, and she will see conspiracies(including nonexistent conspiring between Hardy and the Golden One) aimed at further diminishing her.
(And, NO, Aumbras is not associated with spiders in any way. That's Sarkas)
Apostle: Unknown
*Sarkas(non-canonical, one mention, so-far, in a gag snippet)—Great Spider deity, known to haunt the tropical latitudes. Currently dormant(but may have awakened due to an Alliance doctor's casual remark**), having been largely displaced by the more bloodthirsty and aggressive worshippers of Kulkulan the South Wind. Despite its fearsome appearance, Sarkas is actually well-mannered, erudite, and not particularly nasty, but not above the occasional rather painful 'educational' practical joke. More akin, attitude-wise, to Spider Woman/Anansi or Coyote of the Native Americans. Likes 'wrapped' foods, so would probably love gyros, burritos, and other 'pocket' dishes.
Apostle: Unknown, but Sarkas may be getting ideas just to rile up some folks.
(** "Captain Pierce? Sarkas the Great Spider Deity told me to tell you; 'Thanks for thinking of me; that was a great idea of yours.'")
*Golden One(s)(?)—Unknown if actual divinity, or merely a uniquely powerful mutant strain of dragon, looked upon as holy philosopher-kings by Dragonkin. Not entirely clear if they were a succession of unique individuals(born of who/what?) or reincarnations of the same single individual. May have acquired greater power through the devotion of their followers, but seem to have gotten their start through diplomacy and martial cunning.
Avatar: Anson Owens
Return of The Spider-Goddess
As the sun rose high in the Saderan sky, Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre enjoyed a stroll around the compound.
"Any plans for tonight, Hawkeye?"
"I was thinking about Nurse Able, the supply shed, and a box of saltines."
"Good choice. Nurse Cutler and I have the generator shed tonight."
"Nice." Hawkeye then noticed Major Houlihan walking across the compound towards them.
"Or maybe not..." Trapper warned. "Hey Hawk... Is Margaret wearing her hair differently?"
Pierce squinted. "She's doing something. I hope Frank doesn't see her looking like this!"
"Poor guy... Still holding a torch even after she told him to take a hike."
"Hello, Captain Pierce, Captain McIntyre."
"Look, Margaret, it's a nice day. You don't have to be insulting." Hawkeye quipped. To his surprise, Houlihan laughed.
"That's one of the things I like about you, Pierce. You have a wonderful wit about you."
"Margaret? Are you okay?" Pierce asked with a touch of concern. "Here... Let me check your temperature..." He put a hand to her forehead. She merely chuckled.
"I promise you that Major Houlihan is fine! Provided I don't stay too long."
"Margaret? You didn't go buying a ring off the local souvenir market, did you?"
"Oh, no! Nothing like that. But as a goddess, I don't need to do that! I just wanted to meet you. You bring qualities I much admire in mortals!" She grinned.
"Um... Thanks?"
She laughed a light, bubbly laugh. "I'm Sarkas, The Great Spider Goddess! Do remember that female spiders tend to be the larger and more aggressive than male spiders," She added mildly.
"So...Uh... Sarkas...? What brings you to our little neighborhood?"
"Like I said, I wanted to meet you. I've felt stronger than I have for centuries since your people arrived! It's like a tonic!" She grinned. "I just might need to reopen my temple! At any rate, I just wanted to say hello. If you're lucky, I might drop in from time to time. Um... Major Houlihan might have a few lingering side effects once I leave in a moment."
"Such as?"
"Such as being able to generate silk. Don't worry... From her fingers, not where we Spiders normally have our spinnerets. It's actually quite good for binding wounds! Well now! Time to go! I need to find a new Apostle! Take care, Doctors. keep up that sense of humor! It is a delight to behold!"
Suddenly, Margaret wobbled and shook her head. "Hawkeye? Trapper? How did I get here?" She looked around, disoriented. She frowned in frustration as she tried to remember.
The two Captains looked at each other. "What's the last thing you remember, Margaret?"
"I was in my tent getting annoyed because Frank was there, complaining about My nurses again! Hawkeye! What's going on here?"
"Margaret, I think we need to take you for an examination."
"Is something wrong?" Margaret asked, clearly worried. She felt desperate... helpless... A state she hated and feared.
"Hopefully not, but we just want to make sure. How do you feel?"
Margaret paused, setting aside her fear to think about how she actually felt. After a moment, to her surprise, she shook her head and answered, "I feel fine, Hawkeye! Although I have a craving for Burritos..." She noted with a mix of confusion and curiosity. They started walking to the dispensary when they noticed Radar running across the compound.
"Where's the fire, Radar?"
"Oh! Major! I was just at your tent! Nurse Kelleye wanted to see you! But Major Burns is there all wrapped up in spider silk! He's wriggling around! I'd cut him loose but he'd yell at me!"
'What say, Hawkeye, should we go cut Frank loose?" Trapper asked.
"I don't think so, Captain," Margaret grinned. For some reason, her earlier worries were fading, replaced with a renewed confidence and amusement. "He'll keep! Now Radar... What did Kelleye need?"
Trail of The Spider-Goddess
"GET ME OUT OF THIS!" Frank Burns thrashed in his webbing cocoon to no avail.
"We're trying, sir, but this stuff is,...surprisingly tough."
"I DON'T CARE! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!"
Sergeant Rizo looked at the enwebbed major and turned to the small group of technical staff who were increasingly the 'weirdness response/cleanup team' summoned to deal with such things.
"This remind you guys of anything?"
"Ah...Aliens, when the marines find the cocooned colonists?", one of the motor pool mechanics volunteered.
"Before they were eaten?" another spoke up.
"Nah, the monsters laid their eggs in the colonists!"
Burns suddenly went silent as behind his eyes horrible images from a certain movie began replaying.
"You know, sir, spider web is supposedly ratio-wise as strong as steel cable?"
"So, you thinkin' chainsaws might do the trick?" Rizo inquired of the more informed of his men.
"Or a cutting torch."
"I'll get the flamethrower."
"We have a flamethrower?"
"If we're dealing with bugs here, we better."
"In that case, we might try thermite."
Burns' expression went pale as he continued to listen to the ever escalating speculation about what would be needed to cut him free...or burn out a nascent monster infestation.
What if Major Houlihan...or what LOOKED like Margaret Houlihan, HAD put something in him?
Did he feel...was that...something crawling through his guts?
That would mean...the men discussing flamethrowers might just...
He began to sweat even harder…
Wake of The Spider-Goddess
"Oh! Please, Frank! Even if I WAS Taken over by a 'Spider Goddess', I would never impregnate eggs into you!"
"Because, deep down, you really do love me?"
"Oh! Give it a rest Frank! Before I web your mouth shut! No! I mean just look at you! You're all skin and bones and jelly! There's no muscle! No meat! I'd be starving them to death!"
"You're lucky, Frank, that she didn't leave you a desiccated husk-"
"That actually might have been an improvement."
"HEY!"
Enter a new Janus Area Expeditionary Force form:
MPER347-Monthly Paranormal Experience Report Form(to be filled out at the end of each operational month of duty in the Janus Region)
Sample Questions:
Have you experienced any sort of paranormal activity in the last month? (Yes/No)
Is this your first paranormal experience? (Yes/No)(If you answered 'No', please state the time and nature of your previous experience)
Did you suffer reportable injury from the experience? (Yes/No)
Check the nature of the experience(Multiple categories may be checked) :
a. Premonition
b. Vision
c. Acted-upon by outside physical manipulation(ex. personally levitated, targeted by fireballs, attacked by spontaneous telekinetic falls of objects, etc.)
d, Spontaneous manifestation of paranormal abilities(ex: moving objects with a thought, developing x-ray vision, hearing other people's thoughts, etc,)
e. Physical transformation
f. Possessed
g. Haunted
h. Abducted
etc...