First Fanfiction! I hope you enjoy it! (No copyright intended, all characters belong to Cassandra Clare)
CASTLES MADE OF SAND, CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
If I Fell
"Would you promise to be true? And help me understand? 'Cause I've been in love before,
And I found that love was more, than just holding hands, if I
give me heart to you, I must be sure."
"Jem, Jem, Jem." Magnus shook his head from side to side, suppressing the smile on his face. "That was so long ago. Are you really going to bring that up now?"
"Yes. Yes I am. You still owe me for that by the way. And I'll hold that over your head forever Magnus Bane. Mark my words." James gazed up at him defiantly; but in contrast his face was tainted by a large smile encompassing his soft features. Magnus placed his hand on top of James willowy thin shoulder blade and leaned down slightly to whisper a faint 'no' in his ear. They both sat there on the short riser stairs of the music room—James one step lower than Magnus—talking about random nonsense and past memories shared between the two. James had his ethereal violin set out upon his thin, dark blue jean clad legs. His cheeks were flushed with a healthy pink color, his silvery hair again—like it usually was—turned up to one side as if wind blown. The small amount of students in the band class around them flooded in a crescent shape around James and Magnus; staying at a 'safe' enough distance, while passing looks and whispers between themselves.
Truth be told, Magnus and James stuck out like a sore thumb in a class like that; even if their music class had been composed of the same students for the past two years—due to the shortage of students actually opting out for music class. Magnus was all color, glitter, and designer; and James with his angelic soft features and equally as expensive clothes, didn't sit too well with some of the other students who were there on scholarship. Magnus and James were 'The Shadows' to many people within their school; having two Shadows in one lower leisure class was very unheard of and or rare. People judged them, mainly in a prejudice way, saying that the richer kids who lived on top of the hills had everything handed to them and that they didn't have to work for anything at all. In some ways that was true, but in other ways it bothered Magnus like an incessant itch that wouldn't go away.
Mrs. Morgenstern/Fairchild sat at the front of the room, off to the side, behind her desk holding up a stack of snow white music sheets in front of her face. Her fiery hair was pulled back into a messy painters bun upon her head and she wore thin gold rimmed reading glasses. To the untrained eye, anyone in that class wouldn't have noticed the fading yellow bruises around her tiny wrists; but Magnus wasn't just anyone.
"Okay, Magnus why don't you and Charlotte perform your assignment together today." Mrs. Morgenstern/Fairchild spoke up and indicated with a tilt of her head to the sleek black piano on the far side of the room. Magnus rolled his eyes and gave her a playfully tempting look before he made to grab the piano sheet music and lyrics, that he had written previous, out of the confines of his Marc Jacobs bag.
"You should sing it," James leaned back and winked from his spot.
"Oh god Jem, I can't sing for the life of me." Magnus whispered back before he stood up and sauntered his way over to the piano. Charlotte, a short girl with lustrous brown hair, and dark brown eyes—once upon a time a close friend of Magnus'—followed him over to the piano. She was dressed in a simple ensemble which was composed of a red polo shirt and a cute plaid light brown, white, and gold skirt. "Are you good, with the harmony dear? I know we haven't practised since late August or anything—"
"Yes, Magnus. Go get on that piano so we can get this over with." She offered a small sheepish smile. She was straight forward, curt, but yet hesitant with her words, almost as if she regretted saying them once they were out. She was doubtful of herself, Magnus knew that much, but he always thought that if there was someone completely there for her to break forth and shatter that doubtful state of mind she obtained, that she would be able to accomplish many brilliant things—have her voice heard. But nevertheless, Magnus intimidated her; he would have thought by now she would have warmed up to him a bit more. Considering that they were once friends... Then again, that might have been the very reason why she got nervous around him. He knew her like the inside of a glove.
Magnus handed her the lyrics to the song he had hastily scrawled on the inside of his black journal a few weeks prior to the beginning of school. That was where he kept all of his songs that he wrote; the same journal Alec had asked him of on their first day of Biology together. He sat down in front of the piano, playing a few chords to tune it to his perfection before setting his sheet music out. He had to admit that the keys weren't at all the most difficult thing he had ever played before, but they sufficed nicely to the way he intended the song to sound. Charlotte stood in front of the class and took a few calming deep breaths in. She gazed back at Magnus and indicated with a nod of her head that she was ready for this, and then in that moment Magnus took to the piano keys as if it were his first nature.
( A/N: I suggest you all listen to Turning Tables By Adele. I like the piano in that song!)
He started out the first three chords of the song before her melodic voice cut in. "Close enough to start a war..."
"All that I have... is on the floor."
"God only knows what we're fighting for..."
"All that I say, you always say more."
Magnus began to press harder onto the ebony and ivory keys; loving the feeling beneath his fingers. This was what his hands were made to do; he believed in that ever since his mother told him that when he was six. And he would continue to believe in it forever more. The sound of the piano engulfed him; trapping him in a hazy state of mind. When he was at home, playing away on the piano until ungodly hours in the night, he usually let the rest of the world slip away; sometimes slowly and other times as fast as a blink of an eye.
"I can't keep up with your turning tables, Under your thumb... I can't breathe..." Charlotte hit the tones perfectly, drawing out every word in the way Magnus had intended them to be.
"So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no, I won't ask you, you to just desert me."
"I can't give you—what you think you give me."
"It's time to say goodbye... To turning tables. Turning tables," she fluttered her tone at the end. Soft and enduring; but powerful at the same time. Magnus glanced out into the room, meeting the gaze of the many expectant classmates. James looked to him in awe, knowing that this song probably struck home for Magnus in some way—pulling on a fragile teetering cord. Magnus quickly diverted his gaze back to the music notes in front of him, that had begun to take on a blurry affect.
"Under haunted skies I see you, OooOo,"
"Where love is lost, your ghost is found." Magnus gulped harshly. "I braved a hundred storms to—leave you..."
"As hard as you try—no I will never be knocked down." Charlotte led into the next lines gracefully. "I can't keep up with your turning tables... Under your thumb, I can't breathe—"
"So I won't let you, close enough to hurt me... No I won't ask you, you to just desert me... I can't give you—what you think you give me... It's time to say goodbye... To turning tables. Turning tables." Magnus was taking shallow breaths, making it hard for him to get a good grip on hitting the keys perfectly.
"Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior—when, the thunder calls me."
"Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior—standing on my own two feet."
Magnus felt a sudden anguish wave through his body; an anguish which brought on a cold depressing feeling. No, he wouldn't let himself break down right now. It wasn't the right time, it wasn't the right place. He couldn't do that to himself. Stay strong. Don't do it Magnus. Those words played like a mantra in his head over and over as he continued to hit keys after keys, his muscles tensing in his arms... But somehow his body and soul weren't believing any of it. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no I won't—"
And just like that Magnus stopped his ministrations on the piano keys, causing Charlotte to stop singing mid-sentence. Magnus picked up his sheet music and just as hastily grabbed the lyric sheet out of Charlotte's hands much to her suprise—as well as everyone elses—and without a glance back he reached down for his bag on the riser next to James, latched it over his shoulder, shoved the white sheets of paper into the back pocket of his jeans and stormed out of the room. The whole time he had been holding his breath, and he didn't realize it until he got halfway down the hallway, where he had to stop. He leaned back against the brick wall, letting his eyes fall shut as a strong gasp shuttered throughout his body. He raised his hand to his chest, grabbing forcefully on the fabric of his bright shirt at the front; knotting his fingers into a ball around it.
He felt a weight on his chest that was persistent on reeling in on his energy—sucking the hopefulness completely out of him. This was too soon, he didn't expect to feel like this. His breaths seemed laboured, unsteady, and unrelenting to change. Sharp gasps of air flooded throughout his lungs—stretching him to the brink of explosion one moment, and suffocating him the next. Magnus couldn't get his heart beat to settle down; nothing could help him in this instance of weakness. Nothing at all—
"Magnus?" A voice made of silk called from a short distance away. Magnus cringed slightly, feeling a pang of regret suddenly flow through his hot tempered veins like fast moving water. He opened his eyes slowly to find Alec walking towards him, just a ways away, a sort of curve in his step that Magnus hadn't noticed before until now. Just watching Alec walk hesitantly over to him—wearing a fresh black button up shirt rolled up to his elbows, over top of a pair of dark blue jeans; his hair dishevelled as always; his pale ivory cheeks flushed with color—made Magnus' heart beat break into a steady calm. "Magnus are you alright?"
Alec stood in front of him now raising his hands to Magnus' face, cupping his jaw line between his clammy hands. Alec's lake blue eyes were feverish in color and shifted hastily all over Magnus' face—mainly searching his eyes—in a silent questioning manner. Magnus felt another sharp hit to his body, this time by how caring Alec was already for him; because at the back of his mind the idea—that would never go away—that their friendship—relationship—was brought up on wrong terms, tore into him, digging a deep gash within him. Terms which no one would willingly agree to. How could Magnus ever forgive himself for that? And how did his emotions suddenly shift focus over to Alec? He just prayed that over time the thought of their beginning would lessen and that Alec would never find out.
"Yes Alexander, I'm fine." Magnus ducked his head towards Alec and kissed him lightly; their lips brushing briefly. It was nice kissing Alec; it made Magnus feel lighter than air, as if he were floating in a beautiful abyss of worry-less days and nights. "I just had to get out of my class. People were bothering me. You know how it is." Magnus waved it off, hoping to show indifference to the situation Alec had found him in. He made sure not to mention the fact that he had just came from music class. The fact that he played the piano really was still a secretive part of his life, one in which he didn't like to share at all, because it connected himself to his mother so readily. James, Mrs. Morgenstern and Charlotte were really the only people who were close to him—who had been close to him—that he let in on that part of his life. It was much harder for Magnus to let anyone else in.
Alec dropped his hands from Magnus' face and took a small step back; but somehow to Magnus that gesture spoke hushed words, and it felt more so as if Alec had dug a short trench between them. "Don't lie to me Magnus." Alec looked down to the ground, regarding his feet.
"I'm not lieing—"
"Yes you are, Magnus. You can trust me, can't you?" Alec glanced up for a second, the color dropped from his eyes, giving him the look of a somber mood. "You do trust me right?" He dropped his gaze back to the floor.
"Alexander you wouldn't understand..." Magnus trailed off his voice ending in a dull whisper. How could he stand there in front of the one person he fully wanted to let in, and lie to him? If Magnus was to ever admit it out loud, he definitely liked having Alec as a sort of new constant in his life, and somehow he had a feeling that Alec would always be there. Now, if that was hopeful wishing, he didn't know.
"Then help me understand! I—I want to be there for you Magnus, with whatever makes you upset." Alec looked up again, this time locking his gaze with Magnus'; holding his eyes firmly. "Just a second ago you looked like you were having a panic attack. That honestly couldn't be because of a few people in your class annoying you—"
"My mother. It's about my mother." Magnus blurted out, despite himself. The words just fell out of him like some sort of word vomit. Alec took a hesitant step forward his hand reaching outwards for Magnus and as his hand clasped around Magnus', their fingers intertwining together; Magnus flinched and averted his eyes anywhere but Alec. "But it's fine," Magnus whispered, almost too silent for Alec to hear. "I'm fine." He said it as if he were trying to convince himself of the same thing—but he would never admit that out loud.
"It's fine if you aren't. Okay?" Alec crooked his left pointer finger underneath of Magnus chin and tilted his head up, forcing Magnus to look into his eyes. "You can't be strong all the time, Magnus. Life doesn't work like that. We all have our moments of weakness and that isn't something we—you can run from."
"I've been doing fairly well in running for the last seven years Alexander." Magnus replied with a disheartening smile that certainly did not meet his eyes. He could make it until Saturday. He knew he was strong enough to do so; but really in some sort of way it just wasn't clicking in his head at the present moment.
"Do you w—want to talk about it?" Alec hesitated with his words, still keeping a firm grasp of Magnus' hand in his own.
"God no." Magnus instantly replied, letting out a long sigh. Alec cocked his eyebrow quizzically on his forehead. "I mean, not right now... At least? Just... Bear with me okay, Alexander? I'm not usually so forward with this topic." Magnus was finally calm by now, his chest rising and falling evenly, matching the pace of Alec's; his heart pace wasn't threatening to cascade overload and break forth from his chest. He had Alec to thank for that really. Even if Alec would take away from this little situation that he hadn't actually helped Magnus talk through things; Alec quite possibly wouldn't be able to understand that he did a lot more than just calm his nerves. He gave Magnus a sense of hope that at least some time soon he would have someone to go to, that would be able to hold him as intimately and tenderly as he needed to be held.
Lord knows, Magnus could go to James and William, Olive and Sarah, even his father about the troubles he was having about his mother. But only Alec would be able to kiss away the hurt, dull the burn that would ache throughout his body. "I'll wait," Alec broke through Magnus' thoughts. "I'll wait as long, as you want me to." Magnus smiled down at him and let his eyes slip shut, bringing his lips to align with Alec's once again. The kiss was soft, somewhat refined—but Magnus wasn't complaining—and slow. It was as if they were trying to steal the breath out of one another in a slow paced taunting way. Magnus placed his hands on Alec's hips and brought his body closer; loving the feeling of Alec's hard, tall, lean, muscular body against his own.
Alec's hands threaded into his hair, tugging lightly on the free strips at the nape of Magnus' neck. Before long the kiss was over and Alec leaned his forehead against Magnus' regaining the breath that had been stolen out of his lungs. "I have to get back to—class," Alec said breathlessly, stepping away from Magnus. Magnus nodded his head and smirked, cherishing the bright red hue to his cheeks. Alec began to walk away in the opposite direction from where Magnus was standing, swinging his hips ever so slightly—mainly for Magnus' admiration, in his opinion. He was halfway down the hallway, leaving Magnus there—still propped up against the brick wall—before he abruptly stopped and turned around.
Magnus quirked his head to the side, wondering why Alec was looking at him with a nervous look on his face. "Do you have a date to homecoming tomorrow?" Alec asked, placing his hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it up and down, then up again.
"No, I don't," Magnus called back to him with a devilish smirk on his face.
"Good. 'Cause now you've got one," Alec returned the smile, but heat still flooded his face.
"Who should I be looking out for?" Magnus challenged with a teasing tone.
"I'll be the one dressed in all black." Alec winked, and with that he turned around again and continued down the hallway to his class, not giving Magnus a second glance back. Magnus smiled brightly watching Alec leave. A moment later the bell rang throughout the hall, bouncing loudly off of the walls. Students stepped out of their classrooms, instantly flooding the space around him.
"Magnus," James caught Magnus by his elbow and pulled him over to a secluded alcove set between a series of pristine lockers off to the side. "What happened back there? I couldn't leave, I'm sorry. I tried to but Jocelyn—"
"Jem, it's okay. I'm fine. I just got a bit worked up with that song." Magnus shrugged and reached behind him into his back pocket, pulling out the now crumpled up piano notes and lyrics. "You know how it is: A song artists' lyrics is a map to their soul. This one definitely shouldn't have been brought into class. I don't know what I was thinking..."
"If it is worth anything, it really was a beautiful song Magnus." James offered stepping away from the alcove, indicating with a tilt of his head for Magnus to follow in his steps. "You scared me though, I have to admit. I noticed the strain in your arms when you were pressing down on the keys up until that moment you bolted right out of there."
"Yeah, I sort of... Cracked would you say? Back there. Nothing to worry your pretty head over James. I should probably go apologize to Charlotte? Or," Magnus scrunched his eyebrows together and regarded the ceiling for a second, stopping in the middle of the swarm of students; people all around them, dodging them haphazardly. "That can wait for another day can't it?"
"It's up to you. Although I must say, I am quite hungry and I don't want to get too side tracked, that is, if you plan on apologizing to people today. In which, we won't be out of here till the crack of twilight, if you decide to do so." James laughed, nudging Magnus forward with his thin shoulder.
"Funny James. And who pray tell is the one taking you out for lunch today?"
"I could always take my own car Magnus. Or I could get Gideon to drive me, or Simon, or—"
"Oh just come on." Magnus rolled his eyes and started to walk at a fast pace through the lightened halls to the front door. There, William was standing against a solid pew, one arm slung across his chest to rest on the other while his other hand was held to his mouth, as he bit into a bright red apple.
"Man, I'm starving. What took you two so long? If I didn't know any better whatever class you two just came from, is down in that deserted wing over by the music room." James and Magnus shared a quick knowing look between them before focusing back on William.
"How did you get here so early?" James asked as they pushed through the large front doors and into the sun lit afternoon air. William chucked his apple into the nearest trash can, over his shoulder and then continued to fix the sweeping of his hair; pushing it back from his forehead.
"I skipped second block and went down to the boat docks with Sebastian. Absolutely, one-hundred percent, a huge mistake." William shook his head in a feigning way, as if attempting to expel thoughts from his mind.
"Why's that?" Magnus questioned as they came upon his car. James wavered around to the back left side and slid into the seat; William thumped his hands on the top of Magnus' blazing red car for a moment.
"Did you know ducks are blood thirsty little beasts?"
"Will... What did you do?"
"What did I do? How about what did they do?" William asked incredulously, opening his side door, slipping into the passenger seat. Magnus followed his actions and slammed his car door behind him. "I was merely trying to feed them a little bit of bread. The least they could have done was, I don't know, thank me or something."
"Will, ducks don't speak." James leaned forward from the backseat, placing his chin on the curve of the back of William's seat; regarding him with amused liquid silver eyes.
"No. I know that, but there was no need for the chasing... And oh god, all the feathers. I'm positive Sebastian is just as mortified as I am." William recollected, eliciting an energetic laugh from James.
"Jem, do you know where I think we should go out for lunch?" Magnus glanced over his shoulder at James, and wiggled his eyebrows. He could see from the corner of his eye William giving him a stern steely look with his deep blue eyes.
"Yes, Magnus. I do believe I know what you're thinking..." James dragged out for emphasis, William turned his eyes back to James and slightly scowled.
"To the boat docks!" Magnus shouted as he revved the engine twice before speeding off within the parking lot, edging his way around other cars and students in a very reckless manner.
"NO." William replied and smacked Magnus hard in the arm. James doubled over with laughing and fell to the side in the back seat, holding his stomach tightly within his delicate hands. It was an infectious laugh, loud and oh so James like. Even William couldn't resist the tiny smile that started to crawl up his face, pulling at the corners of his pink lips, his cheeks and the soft lines around his eyes. These moments were what Magnus lived for; being comfortable with his friends, talking and laughing about random things that happened in their daily lives. He needed this, more than wanted. Because even as they sped along the tar black streets laughing all together, slowly, ever so slowly, there was a gnawing sensation eroding away at Magnus' emotions. Taking pieces of his happiness day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
But that was something Magnus would never admit to.
A/N: This chapter was all over the place, I admit :P Originally it was going to end after Alec left, but holy man that would have made it pretty short. And besides, I wanted to show even more interaction with Jem and Will! Because really, the secondary characters in this story are important as well (: I'm sorry for such a long wait—Truly! I don't know what has been holding me back so much, I sit there in class thinking up all these ideas, but somehow I just can't get it out and down on paper. But, this time I promise you guys I will update really really soon! I've got homecoming all planned out (: things will happen that night, things that you won't find out until a little later on even! It will be a long one (: Possibly almost as long as the dinner party chapter was! I had to add the ducks in there as well, I was actually talking to Cassandra Clare today about Jace, Will's and Stephen's irrational fear of ducks and geese. The chapter after the next chapter (if that makes sense...) will be all about Palmer's death, and has quite a lot of moments between Gerald and Magnus. Tell me what you think happened to her in a review!
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Amber,