I have to tell Damon, I can't do this alone. I run up the stairs as fast as my weakened body will let me. I rush to my bed where the old books are scattered at the foot of it. I get down on my knees rummaging through looking for the right one. I have gone through these books and journals countless times but I am hoping that there is something that I have skipped over somehow.

Damon and I don't talk about it but he knows that I am sick. How could he not? He has to be able to sense it in me some way. I don't know if he is aware of to the extent though.

Then I find it there among the other books. The journal that Damon first found out about our…situation. That seems like too harsh of a word. What should I call it? I mean I have very strong feelings for Damon and I can sense that he is a different person with me but there is that nagging in my mind that no matter how much I may care about Damon that he will never love me the way that he still loves Katherine. I realize the part of this that hurts so much is that I want him to love me because I love him.

I push hard to put the thought out of my mind. I start flipping through the faded yellow pages looking for the start of their connection. My eyes start skimming over the words looking for something to jump out. Then I find a passage that I haven't read before. I remember why I haven't even gotten through half of these. When Damon is here with me, I get so distracted by his beauty that I forgot why the books were even here. I start reading the passage putting all of my effort into concentrating on the words scribbled across the page.

Her body is too frail to carry the weight of my world on her shoulders along with her own pain. When I am around, she seems so happy but I can feel the sickness seeping out of her pores. A new aroma has come to the scent that I once knew so well. This new scent is one that I recognize, one that I have encountered numerous times. Its death making her once beautiful smell sickly sweet.

I know what will stop all of this but I can not bring myself to take her human life away. I can't risk how she might turn out.

This connection between us is because she is suppose to be turned. She needs to be turned. Her body is begging for the transition but I wont give it to her. The old woman that I saw warned me of this. The longer that I deny her body and soul the transition the sicker she is going to get. There has to be another way. I have to find the time.

My presence soothes the death crawling all over her. It numbs it and almost makes it seem like its gone. When I am away though, that's when she is the worst. My soul can never be too far from her. If I still even have one. The old woman claims that I do but its hard to believe. I have been nothing but a monster in this new life, not deserving of the warmth that is promised to me by this human.

Her soul is calling out to me. Begging me to come to her. It takes every piece of me to restrain myself. I have never had someone's blood sing to me this much. I stop myself because I love her. Another nightmare just broke through again, I can hear the screams. I must go wake her.

This is why I am so sick these days.

Damon must have read this passage. He knows what is happening to me. I don't believe that there is another choice.

My body wants to be turned to be with him, to be with Damon. Being a vampire is something that I have thought about over a hundred times. Not in this way though. It was never to be with Damon. I don't want to die but I don't know if I'm ready for what all of this is asking out of me.

I'm not too sure how much longer that I can last though with everything that is going on. With Isobel being in town for the compass. Isobel knows Katherine, I wouldn't doubt if Katherine sent her here.

If Damon turns me…if he does and then Katherine shows up. I'll end up alone. That's the thought that is really scaring me. I don't want to be a vampire and alone. I sit on my floor in utter defeat. My body slumps as I rest my back against my bed. The hot tears start falling down my cheeks. I put my face in my hands as the tears continue to stream. One of the tears slides down to my lips and I can taste the salt. I need Damon so much but I know that his love for Katherine is the greatest. That has to be what is stopping him from turning me. He doesn't want to end up with me. He is a different person with me but he will never love me in that way.

I don't even hear him come in my room. I feel myself being lifted off of the ground and pulled against him. His smell is familiar and brings a warm feeling to my body. I bury my face into his black cotton shirt. I wrap my arms around him putting them underneath his leather jacket. I hate that he has to see me this way but I can't deny my need for him. I lift my head off of his chest to look up into his immaculate eyes as they connect with mine. His eyes then dart over to the books on the floor. I see him look at the journal and the page that I had left it on.

"We'll find another way, I know this isn't what you want." Damon says to me as his hands run smoothly across my back.

"No Damon, its not what you want, you don't want this." I can't stop the words from coming out. He doesn't deny it though, he doesn't even say anything. We both stand here in silence until I decide that we need to go away from this topic. He isn't ready to talk about it and I'm not ready for the rejection. "Isobel saw me today, she wants the compass."

Damon pushes me away from him to have me at arms length. He looks into my eyes, my heart feels like it is on the verge of breaking looking into his liquid blue eyes.

"I'll take care of this, you don't need to be going through this. I promise you that I will protect you Elena." Damon says the words, I know that he means them.

"You wont give it to her." I say it as a statement, I already know that Damon wont hand it over.

"The compass is a part of a device to kill vampires. Of course I wont give it to her. I happy to enjoy living my undead life." The answer is all his personality coming out, the Damon that I have always known. "This is what I went looking for today, I haven't had a chance to take a look at it yet. it's a journal, this one is a lot different though. Luckily I had already heard of this journal and for some reason it was a lot easier to get than I thought it would be. It's from the first vampire. Why don't you look through it. I'm going to have to leave you again for a while." I don't want him to leave me again, he just got here.

"Where are you going?" Even thought I am sure that I already know the answer.

"I need to pay a visit to Isobel." I just nod in understanding. Damon lightly puts his hand underneath my chin, lifting my face up to look up at him. His eyes are looking down into mine, it seems like he is looking for something. He brings his lips down to mine. The softness of his lips touching mine sends a shiver through me, making my body feel more alive than it has all day. I push myself up against him intensifying the kiss. Damon's hand wrap around my waist putting more force into our kiss as my body is pressed up against his as tightly as it can be. I move my hands up into his raven black hair, tangling my fingers in the soft strands. My body is screaming out to him as I feel his name coursing through my veins. Damon breaks away, he puts his forehead against mine. I close my eyes, my lips still tingling from his touch. "I'll be back before you fall asleep." His fingertips brush against the side of my cheek lightly. I turn my face into his hand. I keep my eyes closed, the feeling of his hand disappears. I open my eyes to see my window open with the white curtains blowing in the breeze.