A/N: HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! Ha ha ha, I just had to get this up as a Christmas present to all of you. You've all been absolutely amazing! Thank you all so much for reading this story and taking your time to review. It's such an honor to know you're all enjoying it.

Anyway, I'll shut up and let you guys read

Hope ya'll enjoy!

Chapter 15: Moving Forward

Love is described as a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solitude toward a person. It's everywhere you go, and everyone can feel it. Whether it be a pet, lover, friend or family member it's the same thing. Love.

You can feel different types of love for different types of people too, and I've felt it. I've felt that warm, content, loving feeling for my brother, my father and mother, and I've also felt it for my grandparents and close friends.

Then there was the love you felt for that special someone, that someone you're not only attracted to emotionally but sexually too. I'd heard girls at school speak of it, and even my old friend Michelle try to explain it when one day she realized she loved her long-term boyfriend Shane.

I'd wonder what it felt like to actually feel it, to be so devoted to someone that you're in love with them. Love wasn't something I ever took lightly, so at first I found it fascinating that you could meet someone incredible and give them a piece of your heart within months, even weeks sometimes.

The way everyone described it made it sound so wonderful, so beautiful, that I found myself waiting and waiting for the right guy to come along. However he didn't, and I was always Nina O'Neil, the girl who'd never dated a boy before.

There was a stage in my life where I'd find myself crying to sleep, wondering why nobody showed any interest in me, after all, I was always polite and I made sure I looked decent whenever I went out. People or should I say teenagers made having a boyfriend a big deal, which made me feel odd and well… ugly.

But as the months passed, I realized that having a boyfriend wasn't important at all, what was important was my own happiness. I studied the boys my friends were dating, and knew wholeheartedly that if I ever dated boys like them, they'd dump me because it wasn't love they were looking for— though I was.

So when I moved to La Push, met Jacob Black, fell head over heels for him and then gradually found myself loving him, I wondered why this love I felt didn't quite feel the way it had been described as, but one-hundred times stronger. Heart pulling stronger.

And I'm still trying to figure out why that is, because as I set the letter he wrote to me down on the bed, I find myself gasping for breath as my whole body breaks out into a shiver. Tears spring from my eyes unexpectedly, and this overpowering feeling of need overtakes me.

This wasn't love, it was more.

I couldn't even put it into words, it was so powerful, so euphoric. He was always on my mind, in my dreams and in my fantasies. Without him my life felt empty, and I almost always felt weak, helpless and broken.

Nobody I'd known ever felt that strongly for a guy, even after years of being together. Yet I'd only known Jacob a little over two months and he already owned me, I needed him so badly it hurt.

Though I was terrified to accept what he was, it was too shocking.. too scary.

With cold, shaky hands, I picked up the ripped envelope which lay next to me and slipped my hand inside of it, something warm and solid brushing off the tips of my fingers. Pulling it out with extra care, I fought back a sob once my eyes landed on it.

It was a wooden-carved merman, so tiny and delicate, but expertly done. Obviously meant for me to attach to my necklace. Along with it was a tiny note saying: 'I made this the night you left me, and I hope you wear it. I hope you miss us.'

Bringing the merman to my lips, I kissed it with all the love I had for the man who'd carved it for me and promised myself that I would wear it. No questions asked.

It made me feel guilty in so many ways, the fact that he'd made it being the first. I hated myself for telling him that one night, that I'd remain friends with a guy who also happened to be a merman. But it was just a story, I never thought things like that existed.

So considering the fact that Jacob could actually.. change, did that mean other things were possible too? That all those stories filled with monsters, sea creatures, vampires and so on, were real? That anything really was possible? I'd probably be better off not knowing…

But there was something I had to face, my love for Jacob Black.

I couldn't hide from it forever, it was there and it wasn't going away, especially after what he'd said to me in the letter. He thought I was special, he cared about me, he talked about me all the time, and he was even having the exact same dreams I was having, except in his, he was me.

In truth, I didn't know how to feel about that.

He'd also mentioned that if I ever decided to talk to him again, he'd be whoever I wanted him to be. Of course I wanted him as a lover, there was no way I could remain his friend for long, I needed to really be with him— I loved him in that way.

The letter didn't take too long to write:

Jacob

I don't know where to start. The letter you wrote to me was just… perfect, more perfect than I could've imagined. You're such a sweet guy, so caring and truthful, you're the guy every girl dreams of. You've been nothing but kind to me, and those days we spent together… they're irreplaceable. I guess you're irreplaceable.

When my friend gave me the letter and told me it was from you, I couldn't believe it. Honestly. What other guy would do that for a girl who told them that she never wanted to see them again? None, except you. Am I angry that you contacted me? no, I'm not.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks, and even though I've replayed the scene that took place all those nights ago, I still can't accept it. It scared me so much Jacob, I couldn't eat, sleep or even talk. And the fact that you… that you could change, it petrified me.

Are you even human Jacob? I feel so weird asking you this.. writing to you about this, after all those nights I spent trying to forget you ever existed. Yet here I am replying to you, but I can't help it. I want answers, I need them… or I'll never find any peace of mind.

Do other people know what you are? Did that Bella girl know what you are? Did you think that I'd accept you for what you are? Does it hurt when you change? How did it happen to you? Are you from someplace else? What age are you really? Who was that man in the woods? Are you okay with what you are?... do you have feelings when you change?

Gosh I know that's a lot of questions, but I really need to know Jacob, I want to know everything about you. But I can't bring myself to face you, to be in your presence alone, I'm still afraid, I hope you understand. So will you write to me?

And I'm… I'm sorry for hurting you before.

Nina x

P.S: Thanks for the gift.

"You want me to play mail woman? Wow Nina, very mature," Kara said sarcastically as I killed the engine. "Why don't you guys just talk to each other like adults? This is ridiculous."

"It's not that simple Kara, just please give it to him."

She clicked her tongue. "So I have to go all the way to his place and hand it to him?."

"No." I shook my head. "Give it to him after school, but make sure I'm not around."

"Ever hear of the internet? There's these things you sing up for called emails, they're very useful in situations like these."

"Kara!."

"Oh! And there's this site called Facebook, everyone has one. You and Jacob should get one too, you could poke each other and all." She winked.

Snatching the envelope from her, I held it securely to my chest. "Fine, be that way. I'll just burn it."

She chuckled. "I really doubt you'd do that. Joey would probably have to play mail boy, I should warn him."

"Kara this-" I held the note out, shoving it into her face. "Is serious. I'm not going to type a letter to him, anybody could do that. Writing is more personal."

"Tell me Nee-." She giggled. "How up close and personal did you guys really get?."

My face turned scarlet— as usual. "I'm out of here."

"Jeez! Chillax Nee." She grabbed the envelope back from me and started studying it.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What are you doing?."

"Can I read it?."

"If you do, I'll never tell you what his letter said." I smiled.

"If you don't, I won't give him this." She waved the pink (yes, only color I had) envelope around.

I groaned. "Please Kara."

"Okay, okay, but I want every single detail of his love letter to you during lunch."

"Sure."

And so that's how we finally made our way out of the car and into the school.

Kara made room for the letter in her bag, slipping it in-between the middle of a book, while I tried to keep myself composed as we walked down the school corridors together. Of course, I almost had a heart attack when I saw Jacob leaning against his locker, staring right at me.

As faith would have it, his locker happened to be just a little further down from mine, but normally he was never at school this early so I never worried about seeing him there. However, today was a completely different story, and my legs had officially turned to jell-o.

His deep set eyes gazed into mine longingly and for a split second, I was about to go over to him and ask what the matter was, but I was quickly pulled back to reality when I realized how bad he looked.

Kara wasn't lying when she said he'd looked wretched.

That beautiful long hair of his had been tied back into a knot and a beanie had been thrown over his head— he never wore those. The dark circles under his eyes proved to me that he had been lacking in sleep… but more than I thought, and that breathtaking smile of his was no longer present, instead, his lips were set into a straight line.

Not to mention his grey t-shirt and jeans looked worn, as though he'd just thrown them on in a haste. The laces on his boots were also untied… he looked miserable. Even more miserable than I felt.

Which made me feel one-hundred times worse because I loved him and I didn't want him to feel that way. I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, that I'd always be there for him like he'd said he'd always be there for me, and I wanted him to sleep, so he'd look like my Jake again.

But I was a coward, afraid of him because he wasn't exactly 'normal', even though he was the nicest person I'd ever met.

My mind was a complete mess. I didn't even understand myself anymore.

"Okay… awkward," Kara whispered behind me as I moved to unlock my locker. "You'd swear you were buck naked."

My face burned. "Kara don't start."

"No seriously, he's watching you, tongue hanging out and all."

"Seriously Kara," I warned. Pulling out my books.

She giggled. "What does that tongue taste like anyway? I know it was down your throat."

Slamming the locker door shut, I whirled around and glared up into her face. "Would you shut up! Anyone could hear you, this is not your bedroom!."

"Oh please." She rolled her eyes. "As if there's anyone around."

My eyes snapped to where Jacob had been, but he was no longer there, probably heading to English class, like I should be.

"You're lucky."

Reaching out, she pinched my cheek. "You're so adorable when you're pissed off, aw."

"This is just ridiculous," I said, slumping back against my locker. "You're trying to get me really mad, it's obvious."

"Bet he says that though, 'Oh babe, you're so cute when you make that face'." She started, mimicking Jacob's voice. "And 'Ooh yeah, just like that Nee, just like that-."

"I've got to go, see you at lunch!," I all but shouted. Brushing past her and scurrying down the corridor, desperate to get away.

"Have fun in English!," she called after me in a teasing tone.

Maybe Kara was crazier than I thought…

Entering English class, I immediately spotted Jacob sitting at his desk , shoulders hunched with his head in his hands. Nobody said anything as they glanced over at him every now and then, but the whispers started once they noticed me.

They meant nothing to me though, the only person that had my full undivided attention was Jacob, but he was in his own little world, so I sat down at my desk and started flipping through my notebook in an attempt to distract myself. Failing miserably in the process.

The lesson was boring as usual, and I couldn't help but notice how Mrs. Cook kept shooting Jacob and I odd looks, she couldn't possibly know anything could she? Then again, word spreads quickly in the small town of La Push.

Embry Call made things awkward by glancing over his shoulder at me with pleading eyes, as if to say he wanted me to start talking to Jacob again. But this—as much as I liked Embry— wasn't any of his business.

When the lesson was finally over, I took my time to gather my things, hoping that Jacob would leave before I did. I saw him from the corner of my eye standing up and grabbing his books, but something stopped him in his tracks.

With burning cheeks, I glanced up at him from under my lashes, and saw him half-smile down at my chest— where his gift to me hung from my golden necklace. It had been ages since I'd seen his beautiful face that close up, and I was instantly reminded of that sweet kiss we shared in the woods.

Before he caught me staring, I quickly diverted my gaze to the books that lay on my lap, and within seconds, he was gone.

Gone when all my heart wanted was for him to stay.

"Hey you!," a voice I thought I'd never hear again called after me as I made my way towards my car.

The school day had flown in much to my surprise, I didn't even have to tell Kara about what Jacob's letter said because she needed to catch up on some homework she hadn't done. I also hadn't seen Jacob again, and so everything had gone smoothly until now…

Slowly turning around, I saw Nick making his way over to me, a grin on his face. "I have a name you know."

He winked. "I know you do, just didn't think I'd draw your boyfriends attention over here."

"Boyfriend?," I asked as he came to stand in front of me. "I haven't got one."

"Oh don't kid yourself, I see the way he looks at you, like you're his and his only. Actually I'm not the only one who sees that, everyone does. So don't play around with me darling."

"Are you talking about J-."

"Shush!." He pressed a finger to his lips. "I don't know about you, but that guy has some impressive hearing. So I'd advise you not to say his name."

We were standing by a beaten up old truck that I imagined some teacher must own. Most of the students had already left, which meant Nick and I were practically alone. I shouldn't have waited fifteen minutes to leave… but it would've been mortifying if Jacob had seen me when Kara was giving him my letter.

However, I didn't want to be alone with Nick, I hardly knew him and so far he didn't seem nice.

"In case you haven't noticed, he and everybody else has gone home."

"Very true," he started. "But you never know, he could be hiding anywhere. It wouldn't surprise me, he-".

I cut him off. "What do you want Nick!."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, how about you tell me what you meant by what you said a month ago."

What I'd said a month ago? As if I even remembered. The only things my life revolved around now were Jacob, Jacob and Jacob. Whatever Nick and I had talked about before had been shoved into a small part of my mind which I couldn't reach at the moment.

"Look, I haven't got time for this, I need to be somewhere, so if you'll excuse-."

He grabbed my forearm. "No! you're not going anywhere until you tell me what you meant."

"Let go of me!," I hissed. "Or you'll regret it."

"Oh, I see where this is going." He narrowed his eyes at me. "You're going to call that freaky boyfriend of yours over here to beat me up huh? Well-."

Without realizing what I was doing, I smacked him hard across the face. "Don't you ever talk about him like that! How dare you!," I yelled. My face burning with anger, I was seeing red. "He's not a freak! He's the sweetest, nicest, kindest guy I've ever met, so don't you… don't you ever call him that again!."

Nick stumbled backwards, clutching his face. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Psycho."

I stood there staring down at the hand that hit him, my whole body shaking and it felt like I was burning up a fever. Tears stung my eyes, and without saying another word, I spun on my heel and ran to my car as quickly as I could.

The small group of students that were still around stared over at me in shock as I started the engine, and I knew the whole school would know about what just took place by tomorrow. But I didn't care, I didn't care about anything, I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Minutes later, I found myself speeding like a lunatic down the narrow roads of La Push towards home, but I realized as I took a right turn, that I was actually heading down towards Jacob's house.

The thought of his place being considered a home to me, caused me more heartache than I would've guessed. I was having one of those moments where you know what you want and you wish you could have it, but there were things keeping you away from it.

So I pulled over onto the side of a deserted road and not a second later, started sobbing uncontrollably.

I'd totally lost it with Nick, I shouldn't have slapped him, but he called Jacob a freak… nobody could call him a freak, because he wasn't, he was just as special to me as I was to him, though I still didn't feel ready to accept what he was. I didn't know if I ever could.

But that little voice in my head told me to love what's best for me, as hard as it may seem.

Maybe that voice was right? Jacob had said that I'd get used to what he was, except I never gave him a chance. And he didn't deserve to be treated like that, he deserved much more. All he ever did was be good to me, and I did what I did best. Pushed him away.

I just didn't know what to do anymore…

It was a little past nine pm when the yelling started. Mom and Dad were arguing in the kitchen, their voices harder than I'd ever heard before. To think that our family was falling apart was sad, after all the good times we had together.

There were plenty of bad times too, and I guess those overshadowed the good ones.

I was passing by Joey's bedroom when I heard crying coming from behind his door. The poor kid, he was so young and he didn't need to hear his parents fight. Christmas was just around the corner and there was no doubt he was looking forward to it, but now… things were going downhill for us.

"Joey?," I whispered, entering his room quietly. He was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room crying into his hands, console controller set down next to him and his video game on pause.

He never answered me, just cried harder.

"Joey, I'm sorry." I sat down on the floor next to him and wrapped an arm around his small shoulders. "I'm so sorry things aren't okay right now, I wish there was something I could do."

Sniffling, he peeked out at me through his fingers. "It's not your fault."

"I know but I'm your sister and I care about you. I hate seeing you cry."

"I just want mommy and daddy to stop fighting." He sobbed. "I don't like it."

Holding him against me, I blinked back my own tears. There was no way I'd cry in front of my little brother, especially when it was for entirely different reasons. He wouldn't understand, no one would, I couldn't even tell my best friend why I was so depressed.

Not that Jacob had told me to keep what I'd seen a secret, I just knew.

"Joey, can I ask you something?."

"You just did," he pointed out before bringing his hands down from his face, yet I couldn't see anything except the top of his head. "But whatever."

"Do you know Jacob Black?," I asked nervously. What kind of a question was that? Hell, the kid was crying over our parents and that's what I asked. I'm mental. Seriously mental.

He nodded. "Yeah."

My jaw dropped, and I leaned down to stare into his eyes. "You do?."

"Yep, I see him with his friend on First Beach sometimes. His friend has a baby sister I think, and they look after her."

"But how do you know that's him?," I pushed.

Joey used the back of his hands to wipe his eyes before he answered me. "He used to talk to me, but he stopped."

Because I told him to stay away from my family…

"And what did he talk to you about?."

He shrugged. "Just normal stuff like school and football, oh and he talked about you sometimes. Said he was in your class."

Knowing that Jacob had actually bothered to talk to my brother touched my heart in so many ways that for a second, I thought I was about to pass out. Every single thing about him was perfect— except for the fact that he could change.

It felt wrong to think that wasn't perfect though, like I was lying to myself. But how could I think of it as even good? It was abnormal and scary and basically the Quileute Legends coming to life.

So did that mean Jacob had to protect us from… the 'cold ones'?

The question came to me so suddenly that I flinched away from Joey, my blood turning cold.

"Nina?," he asked warily. "Are you okay? You look really pale."

What if Jacob died? What if he was being ripped apart right now? The 'cold one's' had to be real too.

Oh my…

"I-I have to go, I d-d-don't feel too good. I'm s-sorry," I stuttered, scrambling to my feet.

Joey looked me up and down. "You're weird."

Running out of his bedroom, I ran straight into mine and slammed the door shut behind me. My whole body had grown weak, and I was shivering like I'd been doing a lot lately. Walking to my bed on shaky legs, I slowly sat down on the edge and started to think.

Billy Black had basically told me everything I needed to know about the Quileute Legends, but it had never occurred to me that night Jacob changed that he was a protector of his people. That he was what he was because of circumstances.

Why hadn't I thought about this before? I'd asked him so many stupid questions like; are you human? Where are you from exactly? What age are you really? When everything was staring me right in the face.

He must be a direct descendent from someone who was capable of… shape-shifting.

Falling backwards onto my bed, I squeezed my eyes shut and thought long and hard about everything. My stomach was in knots, and a wave of frustration washed through me because I hadn't got any answers yet.

I needed to know if the stories were real, that Jacob was a shape-shifter and that there were 'cold one's' out there watching us, wanting to suck us dry. My gut told me that it was all true, and that my true love was risking his life for his people, like the good man he was.

And here I was, writing letters to him, and refusing to talk to him, when every time I saw him could be the very last.

That this morning when I'd seen him at his locker could've been the last time we ever made eye-contact, and when I'd peeked up at him in English.. that could've been the last time I'd ever see him.

Suddenly, I felt nauseous, and I knew why. I was worried about him, I was afraid… afraid he'd die.

Because if that were to happen… I'd be destroyed. Completely.

"Nina? Honey are you okay?," mom asked, walking into the bathroom.

I was leaning over the sink, cold water dripping from my face. "Y-Yeah, I'm fine now."

"You sure?." She squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. "Are you sick?."

Shaking my head, I turned around to face her. "No, I just.. I just thought I wanted to throw up but it passed."

"Listen, Nina." She sighed. "I know it's really late, almost ten, but could you go down to the store?."

"Sure," I fake smiled. "What do you need?."

The streets were as deserted as they always were after nine, which kind of left you feeling a little uneasy, but thankfully I had a car. It was extra cold tonight, and according to the weather forecast it would be snowing by midnight.

One of my favorite songs was playing on the radio much to my surprise, so I sang along to it, and tried to keep my mind off other things. Like mythical creatures and… yeah, I wasn't going to go there.

Two minutes later I was pulling up outside the store and just as luck would have it, it started hailing.

Jumping out of my car and running into the store as quick as I could, the cashier—a middle-aged lady— smiled over at me with a knowing look. Everyone hated the weather, but hey, if it snowed on Christmas I didn't mind.

Speaking of Christmas, I hadn't done any shopping yet and it was two weeks away! Not that there were many people I had to buy gifts for, there was Kara, Joey and my parents. But I seriously needed to get myself a part-time job, I hadn't got much money saved and I hated getting really cheap stuff for the people I loved.

As I went down isle after isle, dropping the things my mom asked for into the shopping basket, I tried to block the image of me giving Jacob a Christmas gift, and the blinding smile he'd give me as he started to unwrap it.

But the image didn't stop there, in fact it just got deeper and deeper. One glimpse at a pancake mixture and I saw myself wrapping an arm around his broad shoulders as he sat down at a kitchen table, digging into pancakes I'd made him for breakfast.

I started humming to myself in an attempt to stop my thoughts from going any further, however I heard a baby cry somewhere in the store and my mind was overtaken with images of him claiming me as his own, my tummy growing bigger and bigger with each passing month, until I saw myself screaming in a hospital bed, Jacob squeezing my hand as I was ordered to push.

Everything seemed so real, so believable, that I purposely didn't buy the very last item my mom had asked for— shampoo. Believe me, my mind would've went on overdrive and I seriously couldn't take any more.

By the time I'd made it back home, it was nearing eleven pm and everyone but mom had gone to bed.

"I see you took your time," she said as I set the groceries onto the kitchen counter.

Yeah, driving aimlessly around La Push to clear my mind.

"Mom, I need to go see Kara," I told her quickly, before I lost the nerve.

She raised her eyebrows. "At this hour?."

"Yeah, she left her math book with me this morning. I forgot to give it back to her," I lied shamelessly.

Why was I even doing this?

"Can't you just give it to her tomorrow?."

"No." I shook my head. "She's got math first period, and I can't be late for English."

"But don't you guys see each other in the morning?," she pushed. Obviously suspicious.

"No, not every morning. Don't worry, I won't be long."

Glancing up at the clock, she sighed. "I know how you girls chat for hours, but it's late, so you have to be back by twelve. Alright?."

"Of course! Goodnight mom."

What my poor mom didn't know was that I had no intention of going to Kara's, why would she even give me her math book in the first place? It was a lame lie, but she fell for it and right now, I didn't feel bad about it.

Driving down towards Jacob's house, my heartbeat picked up its pace and my whole body broke out into a shiver— for the millionth time.

Why I was going there, I didn't know. All I knew was that when my mind had created those images of us together as a couple, I felt this strong feeling of longing for him and the guilt I'd tried to ignore for the last couple of weeks came at me full force.

I was sorry for pushing him away, for treating him like he was some sort of monster, when he couldn't even change what he was. He was my everything, my love, my life and I'd do anything for him.

Yes, I was still terrified of how he could shape-shift, but right at this moment, I was willing to… accept it.

I loved him and I wanted him and I needed him and I yearned for him and I'd make pancakes every morning for him if I had to— as corny as that sounds.

Pulling up outside his house, I jumped out of my car and ran up to the front door. Before I had the chance to knock, it was swung open by his father, Billy Black.

"Nina." He smiled, a knowing look in his eyes. "Come on in out of the cold, we wouldn't want you getting sick."

So I gave him a small smile and entered the house.

"Is Jacob here?," I asked nervously as he shut the door behind me.

He shook his head. "No, he's out… I suppose you know why."

I gulped. "He's safe out there right? He's not going to get hurt or anything? He's-."

Billy held a hand up to silence me. "Jacob is perfectly fine out there, don't you worry about that. Now how about I make you some hot chocolate?."

Biting down hard on my lip, I barely whispered. "I'm so sorry."

After everything I'd said to his son, and how bad his son looked lately because of me, he still welcomed me into their home. It touched my heart, and made me feel even more guilty for my behavior.

"Nina, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. Someone else deserves to hear that."

"I know." I blinked rapidly, trying to fight back tears. "But he's your son, and I hurt him."

He nodded. "True, I see your point. But this is between you and him, it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. So you head on into the living room while I make you something to drink. He won't be long."

"Thank-."

He shushed me. "No need for that Nina. Now go on, I'll be into you in a minute."

Curled up on the sofa, with a sheet thrown over me that smelled exactly like Jacob, I spoke to Billy about mostly everything as I drank the delicious hot chocolate he'd so kindly made for me.

He hadn't kept me company for long though, telling me he was tired and that he was going fishing early in the morning. However, I knew that he wasn't as tired as he pretended to be, and that the only reason he left was because he wanted to give Jacob and I some privacy. Which I greatly appreciated.

Sitting there, alone with my thoughts, I wondered how a girl as young as myself, could devote herself so completely to a man. I wasn't even eighteen and yet there I was at the local store, having daydreams about being his wife and having his babies.

It was crazy, so crazy that I was actually beginning to worry about myself.

But it was very late, and I was finding it hard to think properly. So as the clock struck twelve, and snow started to fall from the sky, I unintentionally dozed off...

Just as Jacob arrived home to answer my questions.

And to reveal his deepest, darkest secrets to me.