The Blondmailer

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, the Shinigami wouldn't have taken Minato's soul, it would've taken his ****.

Last chapter…

… Naruto donned his cloak, took his camera, and ran through alleys and backstreets as he made his way to the Hokage Tower. 'Let's do this,' Naruto mentally murmured…

Chapter 2: First Experience, Target: Jiji

Naruto stood in an alley near the Hokage Tower, gazing at it. 'I'm gonna have to climb up on the roof by the window to see jiji. How…'

Naruto spotted a ladder. 'Oh! Let's go then…' Naruto began to climb quickly, and immediately proned as he reached the roof. He began crawling.

When he reached the windowsill, he stuck his eyes above, where a jonin and three genin were talking with the Hokage. 'Oh, crap!' Naruto mentally exclaimed, quickly dropping.

Naruto would periodically gaze in the window, and after 5 minutes, the jonin and genin finally left. "Alright, time to start.'

Quickly whipping out the camera, Naruto brought it to his eye and waited. He saw the Hokage giggling all of a sudden, bringing out an orange book and kissed it. Snap.

'But you can't see the book cover,' Naruto realized, waiting. Soon, the Hokage lifted up the book as if it was gold, giving Naruto a clear view of the book, Icha Icha Paradise. Snap.

"Let's hope I actually get something worthwhile," Naruto muttered, still gazing through the camera." He stayed there for another 20 minutes, getting nothing but the Hokage reading the book (Snap.), and the former doing paperwork.

Naruto slinked down the ladder, hurrying into the shadows. As he passed by a bookstore's alley, he quickly halted, hurriedly stepped back, peeking past the corner.

He saw a woman throwing the same orange book he saw earlier with a man cowering behind her. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE READING A PERVERTED BOOK LIKE THIS!" the woman shouted, dragging the man by the collar away.

Naruto waited for them to leave, then hurried to the trash can, picking up the book. "Icha Icha Paradise, huh. Let's see…" Naruto muttered, flipping through the book, eyes widening. A giggle escaped through his lips, soon developing into full-blown laughter. "No wonder that woman said this book was perverted! And jiji's reading it! Him, the Hokage! Oh, boy, better use that copying machine Neruzi gave me…" Naruto said to himself as he slinked back home.

The next day, Naruto marched confidently to the Hokage Tower, a small giggle escaping his lips every now and then. As he passed by the secretary, sticking out his tongue to her glare, he stopped in his own tracks. 'Wait… What do I want from him?' Naruto thought. 'Hmm… I heard that in the Academy, you have to learn three jutsus… I'll get jiji to teach me those! Then I can become the Rookie of the Year and get one step closer to becoming Hokage! Dattebayo!'

Naruto, wearing his orange jumpsuit because he didn't buy another outfit yet, took a deep breath and charged through the door. "Jiji, jiji! Teach me a super-awesome jutsu!"

The Sandaime only chuckled. "All in good time, Naruto. When you get in the Academy, you'll learn some."

An evil grin spread across Naruto's face. Taking out one copy of the photo he spoke. "Jiji, that was an interesting book that you were reading.

A look of horror began to spread on the Hokage's face, but he quickly squashed it, settling back into his kindly old grandfather expression. "Why yes it is. I just bought it the day before."

'Playing innocent, huh jiji? I'll break you before I can even say dattebayo!' "But jiji, why did I see a woman beating up a man for reading it and saying that he was reading a perverted book? You're not perverted, are you jiji?" Naruto said innocently.

Sandaime began to sputter before he composed himself. "There are many orange books, Naruto. My book isn't perverted, the cover must have just looked like the one you saw."

Inwardly, Naruto was cackling even more evilly. 'He's playing right into my hands!' "Well jiji, that book's name was Icha Icha Paradise, and I read a couple of pages from it. Could I see your book just to make sure?"

Sweating, the Third Hokage thought, "I created a devil, icreatedadevil ohkamiohkami' "Erm… I lost it! Yes, that's right, I lost it!"

Naruto now began to visibly evilly grin. "Oh, you musta missed the detail in the photo. Your book's cover said Icha Icha Paradise. Then you started reading it." Naruto declared, pulling out the other photo.

Now, the Sandaime couldn't keep the look of horror from spreading on his face. Quickly getting in front of his desk, he prostrated himself. "Alright, alright! I'll teach you some super-cool-awesome jutsus! Just don't release it to the public!"

Naruto's evil grin morphed into a happy one. "Alright, then. Kawarimi, Henge, and Bunshin. You'll teach me those until I master it. And if I can't master it, give me a stronger version. Or…" He waved the photos around.

"OK, OK! I'll do it! Let's go to the roof!" The Third led Naruto upstairs onto the roof. Once they got there, the Sandaime made a desperate lunge for the pictures, grabbing onto them and shredding them furiously. For the first time during this period, the Third smiled a genuine smile. "You're 100 years too early to be blackmailing me, Naruto."

Naruto's happy grin morphed back into an evil one. "Copy machines do wonders, don't they, jiji?"

The Third's face fell. "I'll teach you then…"

The teaching session went well, with Naruto learning Kawarimi and Henge successfully, but being unable to do Bunshin. The Third, recognizing Naruto's chakra capacity, taught him the Kage Bunshin. Naruto, ever the sly one, demanded one other form of Bunshin once the Third mentioned it, learned the Mizu Bunshin.

"KYA HA HA HA HA! I love this blackmailing thing! I can become Hokage right now if I get even better blackmail! But," Naruto paused. "I'll need better jutsu. Alright, let's see… Clothes, food, jutsu… I'll get them all for free! Ahem," Naruto once again paused, changing his voice to an official-sounding one. "Target number two, random shopkeeper #1…"

Naruto followed the shopkeeper that overcharged him for 5 days, tirelessly gathering every bit of dirt on him that he could get. As he blackmailed the shopkeeper whom he promised would not spread his dirt on him if he gave him clothes for free and was about to leave the store, Naruto started the last part of his plan. He turned around, and gave the shopkeeper a gleeful smile. "The cake is a lie. BAHAHAHAHAHA!" And ran away, scattering his copies of the blackmail he received, one of which giving evidence that the shopkeeper was a transsexual, with him donning a wig and flirting with men at a bar, and another giving evidence that the shopkeeper was an asexual, due to a picture stealthily taken while he- sorry, it, was taking a shower.

Over the span of a month, Naruto spent time gathering many different things through blackmail, honing his skills as a blackmail artist. Naruto had no idea that at the age of 6, his world would change so much. After the aforementioned month was over, Naruto grew tired of blackmailing civilians and set his eyes on a new goal…

Authors Note: Read and review! If, in three days, nobody comes up with a character to blackmail, I'll come up with my own. So review for your chance to win a spot in the story.