The Blondmailer

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Itachi would actually be a girl.

Last chapter…

…Over the span of a month, Naruto spent time gathering many different things through blackmail, honing his skills as a blackmail artist. Naruto had no idea that at the age of 6, his world would change so much. After the aforementioned month was over, Naruto grew tired of blackmailing civilians and set his eyes on a new goal…

Chapter 3: A Secret and Teatime, Target: Itachi

Naruto hummed a made-up song about ramen as he ascended the stairs to the Hokage's office. As he barged in, to his surprise, there was a woman with long hair talking to the Hokage.

The pieces of conversation Naruto heard before they turned around was "Kage Bunshin… secrets…memory…" As the "woman" turned around, Naruto took in her features. She had somewhat slanted eyes, lines running down from her eye, and an icy expression. Wait, she had no breasts. Could-could she be? "Are you a boy or a girl?" Naruto blurted out.

The Sandaime desperately tried to cover up his laughter as the woman- or was it a man? facepalmed. "Naruto," the Sandaime explained. "Itachi here is a male. Just because some people have long hair doesn't mean they're females."

"But…" Naruto said blankly as he gazed at Itachi's hair. "Her hair is so pretty…."

Now, the Hokage couldn't contain his laughter and let out a full-blown laugh. For the first time during the conversation, Itachi spoke. "Naruto-kun, I'm a he," while thinking, 'Did he just say that out loud?'

Naruto quickly recovered. "Um… alright. Hey, Itachi, can you teach me some jutsu, dattebayo? Plus, I know the Kage Bunshin, and you said that there were some… secrets about it?"

For a moment, surprise weaseled(get it?) its way onto Itachi's face, before disappearing. "Perhaps you can figure it out on your own."

Now, an evil grin that Naruto's blackmail victims grew to fear began to make its way onto Naruto's face. "Jiji, I still have some photos of you reading I-"

Sandaime quickly shunshined over and put his hand over Naruto's mouth. "Of course I'll tell you the secret, Naruto." Naruto couldn't keep himself from letting out an evil cackle.

Quickly reassembling his expression to an innocent happy one, Naruto jumped up and down excitedly. "Yay! So what is it?"

The Sandaime hastily ignored Itachi's questioning stare, opting to answer Naruto. "The Kage Bunshin sends memories back to the original, creating a way of spying without actually being there. Thus, you could be reading a book while one of your Kage Bunshin is doing something else."

"But why doesn't this work for Mizu Bunshin?" Naruto asked, confused.

"The Kage Bunshin is wholly made up of your own chakra, while Mizu Bunshin uses water with a little bit of your own chakra to take form. Since chakra is made up of your physical and spiritual energy, making in similar to your own life force, memories are obtained when the chakra used by the bunshin dispels. Although you don't recover the chakra, the memories are regained instead," the Hokage explained.

Naruto nodded in understanding. Inwardly, however, Naruto cackled. 'Now I can blackmail multiple people all at once! Yes!'

"Hey, Itachi, could you leave for a sec? I need to talk to Hokage-jiji," Naruto requested.

"Of course, Naruto-kun." Itachi replied, leaving.

"Activate the sound-proof seals, Hokage-jiji." Naruto commanded.

In Naruto's presence, the Hokage cowered. "Y-y-yes, N-naruto-s-s-sama," hurriedly activating the said seals.

"Jiji, give me dirt on Itachi. I need to blackmail him," Naruto commanded.

"B-b-but, N-n-naruto-s-s-sama, I-itachi-kun is an Uchiha and h-he h-has an i-image-" the Hokage stuttered.

"I don't care. Give me whatever you have," Naruto cut in.

Naruto hummed the same song about ramen as he headed to the Uchiha district via alleys, wearing his "blackmail ninja clothes", speeding through them. As he arrived at what he thought was Itachi's house, he went around back and settled by the window on a windowpane.

'Hmm,' Naruto mused. 'Biggest house in the district… Ooh, maybe he's the clan head's son! That'll make the blackmail even better!'

Quickly, Naruto reviewed his strategy. "Have secret component inserted into the camera, leave camera behind, as Itachi notices, toss camera to secret component number- Oh, he's here!' Naruto ducked down.

He saw Itachi entering through the door, then pulling out a dead female body from the seal. He saw Itachi sit down and place his hand on her breast. Snap.

Then, much to Naruto's surprise, the body morphed into a doll looking as if it was made in a factory. Snap.

Itachi then unsealed from a scroll teacups, a table, and a teapot. In a whiny, feminine voice, Itachi said, "I'll be right back, Mika-chan!"

Naruto desperately tried to suppress his giggles as Itachi left the room. 'Alright,' Naruto thought. 'Infiltration opportunity presented.' And clambered in, grabbing the desklight and chucking it out of the window. Then he pulled himself up onto the table, henging into the lamp. 'Now for the kage bunshin to record along with me,' Naruto thought, briefly waving to the Kage Bunshin hiding behind the bed.

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and Itachi came in. Using the same feminine whiny voice, Itachi said, "Why, look Mika-chan! I've got tea and pocky! Tea party time, right?" Snap.

Itachi turned around. "What was that sound?" he muttered to himself, reverting to his normal voice briefly. Itachi shook his head, and sat down on the chair.

As he poured tea, ate pocky, and pretend fed "Mika-chan" (snap, snap, snap) Naruto henged into the Third Hokage and said in his voice, "Oh, ho, ho! That was good, Itachi, very good!" , climbed out of the window, and ran slowly, tossing the camera to another Kage Bunshin and Kawarimi-ing with it.

Itachi's eyes were furious. "Sandaime-sama! What is the meaning of this?" Itachi exclaimed, and chased after him."

The Kage Bunshin still in the room silently slipped out and hurried back to Naruto's apartment to print and copy the photos.

The real Naruto led Itachi on a cat-and-mouse chase all around Konoha, briefly stopping to henge into different people. Eventually, Naruto created a Kage Bunshin and ran back home, leaving Itachi to chase the copy.

As Naruto reached his "apartment" and was just about to open the door, a hand was placed on his shoulder. "Naruto-kun."

Naruto jumped. "Oi, Itachi! Don't scare me like that!"

Itachi's eyes remained cold. "Have you seen a person running around henging into various people in the village? Oh, right, its you, isn't it?"

Dropping the façade, Naruto laughed evilly. "Why, yes, Itachi, it is. Perhaps you'd like the camera?" Tossing the camera to Itachi, Naruto barged in the apartment and ran to the other side, climbing out of the window.

Itachi gazed at the camera for a second, before it somehow punched him in the face. 'Kage Bunshin! How?'

Staggering back, Itachi shunshined through the apartment to the window were a woman was waiting. "Uh… A-a-anko-san. Would you mind letting me through?"

Anko's eyes glinted evilly. "Oh, I'm afraid not, Itachi-kun. You've trespassed in my apartment… And you're about to pay. Kukuku," Anko laughed, imitating her former sensei.

Itachi's screams could be heard throughout the entire village for the rest of the night.

The next day, Itachi staggered home, tired, and stumbled upstairs to his room, various cuts, bruises, and scrapes all over his body. When he reached his room, he groaned. "Oh, no."

Naruto, waiting in the room with photos in his hand, cackled. "Oh, yes. Itachi, you're going to teach me that Shunshin no Jutsu move you used, as well as the style of taijutsu you use. Otherwise…" Naruto waved the photos around.

Itachi hung his head. "Yes, Naruto-"

"Naruto-sama," Naruto interrupted.

"Yes, Naruto-sama…"

And so Naruto learned the Shunshin and taijutsu from Itachi, not knowing that the only reason he could do the shunshin was because of his high chakra capacity. The next year, he entered the Academy, where he met the people that would make up the Rookie Nine along with him. Sadly, the Uchiha Massacre occurred that year, courtesy of Itachi, leaving Sasuke alone, an emo-brooder, although Naruto's thoughts on the situation were, 'He probably just didn't want me to spread his doll-time photos, so he killed off his clan.' As Naruto made his way through the Academy, purposely failing two exams to stay with "Sasuke-thefutureblackmailtarget" and grabbing the title of the dead-last, he met various ninja, all of whom he blackmailed to learn techniques, some of them including Tenten, an upper grade classmate whom he learnt proper weapon throwing from, Maito Gai, who he honed his taijutsu with, Kurenai, whom he learnt basic and intermediate genjutsu from, as well as chakra control, and Asuma, whom he learnt wind manipulation from. Now, after 5 years in the academy, Naruto graduated through a so-called "backup exam" made up by Mizuki to steal the Forbidden Scroll of Seals. While understanding that it was a lie, Naruto just got it to see the jutsu, learning the Exploding Shadow Clone and the Kage Shuriken Jutsu, he disposed of Mizuki with a quick Fuuton: Great Breakthrough and returned the scroll. Now, he sits in the Academy, awaiting his Jonin Instructor along with Sasuke Uchiha (the emo-duck-ass-haircut guy) and Sakura (banshee fangirl)…

Author's Note: I'm rushed, since I have school and stuff soon, so read AND REVIEW! Please, please review. There's also a poll on my user page about who should be blackmailed, Kakashi, Sakura, Sasuke, or Iruka. More details will be shown there. Again, please review. I really need them. Thanks. I'll try to update as soon as possible. Plus, the Itachi blackmail idea was borrowed from Sir Chris's "Konoha's Yellow Flash Really Hates Paperwork". I asked him for permission, which he gave.