The Blondmailer

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

Last chapter…

…awaiting his Jonin Instructor along with Sasuke Uchiha (the emo-duck-ass-haircut guy) and Sakura (banshee fangirl)…

Chapter 4: Meeting the Team, Target: Ero-Kakashi

As expected from the little dirt that Naruto had on Kakashi, Kakashi was late by 3 hours. While banshee-fangirl was somehow managing to yell with frustration at their sensei's lateness and fawn over duck-ass emo at the same time, Naruto was already planning out his blackmail process to punish Kakashi for being late- of course, that was true… It's not like he was going to blackmail Kakashi into teaching him every jutsu he knew or something… [cough]

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and a person with white hair that stuck up and defied gravity wearing a lazy expression peeked in. "Team Seven?"

"YOU'RE LATEEEEE!" "banshee-fangirl" shrieked.

Kakashi remained unaffected by the shriek, which Naruto admired. "My first impression on you all is… I hate you. Meet me on the roof in five minutes," Kakashi drawled, shunshining away.

"Oh, our sensei is so late, and he tries to act cool, buthesnotascoolas Sasuke-kuuuun, right Sasuke-kuuuuun?" Sakura cooed.

While seemingly remaining as stoic as ever, Naruto caught a slight shiver running up duck-ass emo's back. Naruto grinned. "I should make a Kage Bunshin that henges into Sakura to do that every step of his way home. Should be interesting, of course with a kage bunshin with a camcorder too… kukuku," Naruto cackled evilly, muttering to himself, not knowing that if he kept saying the last line, he would turn out to be exactly the same as a certain pale-skinned pedophile.

Oblivious to Sakura and Sasuke's reaction to his evil cackle, Naruto shunshined up to the roof.

Kakashi, whose nose was buried in a certain familiar orange book, said, "Oh, you know how to shunshin? You're an interesting one…"

Naruto began to grin, and snapped a picture of Kakashi reading the orange book. "Oh, Ero-Kakashi, what's this orange book I see? What if I were to spread the picture all around Konoha?"

Kakashi had no visible reaction to Naruto's statement. "Feel free," Kakashi dismissed him, still furiously reading the orange book's every statement.

While externally, Naruto's face was still in a grin, internally, he growled. 'Unaffected? How? Ah. Open pervert. Perhaps… His mask? I could get his real face's picture and blackmail him… Haha, who would've thought his very face would be such good blackmail? Kukuku…'

By that time, Sakura and Sasuke had arrived, and were once again giving him a strange look at his comically evil expression. This time noticing it, Naruto asked, "What?"

"NARUTO-BAKAAAA! YOU MUST BE THINKING OF HOW YOU'RE GOING TO MOLEST SASUKE-KUUUUN!" Sakura shrieked, her twisted mind concluding. "WELL, YOU CAN'T! HE'S MINE TO MOLEST! MINE ALL MINE!"

Ignoring Sasuke's freaked out look at her, which was the first emotion other than disdain that he actually showed in her presence, Sakura continued to ramble on, the only words that actually made sense being "leaving Sasuke-kun pure for me where I'll dirty him," "do things you won't even imagine," and "I'm sure he doesn't have a small-", that sentence being where Naruto finally cut Sakura off.

"Jeez, banshee, can't you just shut that mouth of yours for once? We all know that," Inwardly, Naruto cackled, "your Sasuke-kun will be all yours to molest and of course, we can't comprehend what that amazingly twisted mind of yours will do to Sasuke," Sakura smiled an angelic smile at this, "but I disagree, Sasuke does have a small, ahem, shibatangtang. He's shown me. Unfortunately for you, he's gay."

Sakura adopted a horrified expression. "NO! NO! YOU IMPURIFIED SASUKE-KUN! YOU ACTUALLY DID-"

This time, Naruto adopted the horrified expression. "NO! NO! KAMIDAMMIT I'M STRAIGHT! STRAIGHT AS THE THIRD HOKAGE, AND HE HAD A WIFE!"

Kakashi attempted to cut in, but was cut off. Sasuke was slowly inching away from the two, not even bothering to disclaim that he was gay.

Sakura kept rambling. "BUT HIS WIFE IS DEAD NOW, AND HE MIGHT HAVE CONVERTED! SO BASICALLY, YOU'RE AS BENT AS KAKASHI-"

Kakashi now screeched loudly. "ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" and applied it to Sakura, having her screeching loudly. "PERVERT! MY SENSEI'S A PERVERRRRRRT!"

Naruto, seeing this, immediately shut up. "I… I… I think," Naruto wilted under Kakashi's glare. "I mean! I mean! I know you're straight! There's no way you would be with Gai! … Right?"

Kakashi glared at him once more, and said, "Don't push me. I'm straight! Why would I be reading Icha Icha if I was gay?"

Naruto couldn't keep his prankster side form speaking. "Maybe you're bise-"

"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" Kakashi screamed. Hearing this, Naruto immediately kawarimi-ed with Sasuke, leaving him to receive the horrifying attack.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Sasuke screeched.

Naruto shrugged. He just kawarimi-ed with the first thing in sight. But duck-ass emo had it coming anyway.

"Oi, Ero-Kakashi," Naruto began. "Did you want to speak to us about something?"

Kakashi directed heavy killing intent at Naruto, not knowing that the Kyuubi was cancelling it out, leading Naruto to feel nothing.

"Ero-Kakashi, don't glare at me like that. We're gonna take a genin exam and then you get a kick out of seeing our faces. Then we go to the training field you tell us to and you laugh your ass off while you kick our ass and fail us. Right?

Kakashi only kept glaring in response. "Training Ground Seven. Pass on the message."

"No thanks!" Naruto replied cheerfully. "I was a Kage Bunshin this whole time. You get to do it." And with that, the Kage Bunshin dispelled.

"Damn," Kakashi swore. "I've got a blond hyperactive wannabe blackmailer, and emo with a duck-ass haircut, and a banshee. Why does Kami hate me?" Kakashi asked himself, anime tears falling from his eyes.

Naruto silently slipped past the buildings, arriving at Kakashi's house. Making his way to the window, he slipped in and henge-d into a kunai.

Just then, Kakashi arrived home. The Kage Bunshin hiding in the room nodded, and lifted the camera up.

Kakashi muttered to himself, "What a day," and began taking his jounin vest and his mask off. As he turned around, Naruto quickly snapped a picture. Snap.

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Who's there?" Kakashi growled, pulling out a kunai.

Naruto, who happened to be the kunai, quickly kawarimi-ed with a shuriken, harming Kakashi.

"RUN, RUN, RUN!" Naruto shouted to his Kage Bunshin, and they jumped out together. Giving the original the camera, the Kage Bunshin ran away to confuse Kakashi. Naruto quickly shunshined back to his apartment. 10 minutes passed as he successfully printed and copied all the copies of Kakashi's face. Grinning evilly, Naruto stepped out of his apartment…

Straight into Kakashi. Naruto feigned shock. "Oh dear, what would you be doing here, Ero-Kakashi? I'll have you know jiji doesn't take well to pedophiles, especially ones that assault me."

Kakashi glared and growled simultaneously (AN: Is that possible?), and ground out, "Give… me… the… photo."

Naruto's grin grew. "Oh? Would you like it?" Naruto asked, waving the photos around.

Kakashi quickly burnt it with a Katon jutsu. However, he didn't look content. "You didn't make negatives?" Kakashi asked, flipping out his Sharingan.

Naruto innocently held up his hands. "Of course I didn't."

Kakashi nodded, walked away, and glanced back. "Did I surprise you at the door?"

Naruto cackled. "Memory transfer, Ero-Kakashi. Oh, and one more thing…." Naruto flipped out another copy of the photo. "I happen to need a sensei that can properly instruct me, not to read porn and make us do teamwork exercises. Think you can manage it?"

Kakashi's eyes widened, and quickly burnt that copy too. Naruto shrugged nonchalantly. "I've probably made 500 copies by now. My clones are carrying them. If you refuse, your face will be all over Konoha. Not so mysterious anymore, hm?"

Glaring, Kakashi asked, "What do you need me to instruct you in?"

Naruto's grin grew to lecherous proportions. "Oh, just about every Fuuton jutsu you know, along with the Chidori."

Kakashi grinned at that. "Sorry, Chidori only works for Sharingan users. If you don't have the Sharingan, you have tunnel vision and you're exposed to other attacks."

Naruto shrugged. "You were the Fourth's student, right? You must know the Rasengan."

Kakashi's grin dimmed and morphed into a snarl. "You're taking me away from my precious book."

Unperturbed, a grinning Naruto replied, "Would you like to read your book and lose your face's mystery status? Or would you rather teach me all the measly Fuuton jutsu you have and the Rasengan while giving me steady instructions and keep your face a mystery? I'm sure jiji will be proud of you for instructing a poor, penniless orphan."

Kakashi's face turned to his usual lazy expression. "You never said-"

Naruto cut in. "Yes, I mentioned 'giving me steady instructions' while teaching me. No slacking off. My taijutsu is pretty good, and my genjutsu is as good as it can be with my reserves. Just teach me," Naruto whined.

Kakashi tch-ed. "Alright, alright…"

Author's Note: Seems a little off, hm? Oh well. As I mentioned before, I don't have a lot of time. Expect an update every 5 days or so. Next chapter will not feature a target. I'd give you the title name, but that would give it away. Anyway, I've got to mention this. My story has 1,137 hits, it's been listed in 4 communities, has 18 favs, and 16 alerts. And 7 measly reviews! Please, guys! How about I make a deal. I get 10 reviews for this chapter, and I update in 3 days. Deal? If you can't meet the target, I'm afraid it's 5 days. I really do have a lot of things to do. Oh, thanks to the people that voted on my poll. Kakashi won over Sakura, so I chose him. Plus, my profile is on the favorites list of one person, and on the author alert of 2 people. Thanks so much to all the people that reviewed, favorited, added to community-ed, alerted this story, and favorited my profile and put me on their author alert. You're the people that give me motivation. Did I mention several people from Saudi Arabia, Northern Marlana Islands, Estonia, Kuwait, Qatar, and Czech Ravar read this story? Surprisingly, the second most country that this story was read from, the first being the US of course, was Poland! Thank you to all you Polish people!