First Fanfiction! I hope you enjoy it! (No copyright intended, all characters belong to Cassandra Clare)
CASTLES MADE OF SAND, CHAPTER FORTY
All Things must Pass
"Sunrise doesn't last all morning, a cloudburst doesn't last all day. Seems my love is up and has left you with no warning.
It's not always going to be this grey. All things must pass, all things must pass away.
Sunset doesn't last all evening, a mind can blow those clouds away.
after all this my love is up and must be leaving.
It's not always going to be this grey."
Alec let out a deep, borderline shuddering, breath as he clasped the cold door knob in the palm of his sweaty hand. He could faintly hear the low murmur of his father's voice on the other side of the door; for a fleeting moment he wondered who he could possibly be talking to. In his mind he came up with the only name that seemed to plague him for the last fifteen or so minutes: AnnaMarie Highsmith. What was she like? Was she beautiful?—So captivating that she could rival the fair willowy appearance of his mother, Maryse, with her inky hair, pink-stained lips, and deep blue eyes? How could Robert do that to Maryse... How could he do that to his family? These were among the many thoughts running through Alec's mind that he couldn't quite decipher, but one thing was for sure:
He didn't hate his father.
He definitely held a substantial amount of hate towards what his father did, but in all reality he was more hurt by the idea of Robert running off to a different life, than being mad about it. Maybe it was because he could see the good in people; looking past all the muddiness of their hidden transgressions, that he couldn't find it within himself to be so utterly mad at Robert to the point that he would never be able to forgive him.
Held in his left hand were the forms that Jace had found in the mail, no matter how stupid of a situation and or frame of mind he was in to obtain it, Alec was glad nevertheless to be in contact with this information. There was a small part, in the back of his mind telling him that none of this could be true; it just couldn't be. But possibly that part in the back of Alec's mind was the childhood that was still left within him. The childhood were everything was so contrasted and clustered together, that nothing bad ever came of anything.
He gripped the door knob even tighter, relishing sweetly in the cold bite it gave to his hot nerves, and let himself into Robert's sun-filled study. It was much like Gerald Bane's office, where the walls were filled with every book imaginable, but not as large or domed shaped. The room was all cherry wood and leather, the mixture of smells, intriguing. Robert sat, propped up, on one of his long dark green leather sofas that was embroidered in golden buttons. A small glass of burgundy wine lay on the floor next to the sofa, as well a small stack of books. This room was definitely planned out by his mother to fit Robert's likes—which confused Alec even more so, to a certain degree. Maryse had expected him to come home... Even with the information Jace and Alec were sure she possessed a long time ago.
Robert looked up from the his phone that was resting in his lap and took off his thin reading glasses to address Alec. "Oh, was there something you needed? Have you found Jace yet? Because I know your mother mentioned that he wouldn't—"
"Yeah, no. I already talked to him." He said curtly, earning a slow unsure look from Robert. "Listen dad..." Alec began to close the door, not necessarily wanting Isabelle to over hear their conversation, while slipping the papers Jace had given him into his back pocket.
"Is that a bruise on your face? And Alec can this wait until later? I'm a bit busy at the moment and I need to get some things done before I meet up with your mother." Robert snapped his phone shut, then proceeded to place his reading glasses into the small pocket on the front of his dark grey suit jacket. He swept a stray lock of hair out of his eyes, acting completely nonchalant when Alec was standing there having some form of the beginnings of a breakdown in front of his him. That was quite possibly the thing to send Alec over the edge, among others.
"You cheated on her." Alec announced rather bluntly. At the word 'mother', something within Alec was set off like a short fused sparkler. He didn't know where he mustered the courage to be so forth right to Robert, with such a comment however, as straight-handled as that. He was expecting to dance around the topic a bit, easing his way into the actual conversation, but now that option was shot out of the water.
"Excuse me?" Robert placed the phone on the cushion of the dark green sofa and started to get up.
"You cheated on mom!" Alec shouted; cringing for a second at the tone of his voice. Distantly he wondered if Jace might be listening in on the conversation from the other side of the door, or possibly Isabelle—much to his dismay.
"Alec," Robert raised his left hand to his face so he could pinch the bridge of his nose; closing his eyes momentarily before he walked over to the edge of his desk set further to the right of the room. "You don't understand—"
"Then help me understand this dad." He hated when people used that against him—that he didn't 'understand'—, especially for things he deemed explainable. However, one fault in Alec's character was that he could be quick to use that same statement in regard to his own situations. "Help me understand how you could have done this to the woman you love." Alec shock his head and laughed maliciously, on two accounts. The first being that he felt as if he were asking a whole lot of a man who was never that good at explaining things and secondly at the irony in his words. "That is, if you even love her."
"Of course I do." Robert snarled, boring his dark eyes into Alec's harshly. "I've loved your mother ever since she walked through my old schools doors wearing a black Beatles t-shirt and these hideous magenta pants. I have never stopped loving her." Robert rubbed the crease between his dark eyebrows, closing his eyes again, feigning the expression that he had become increasingly fatigued. "Have a seat Alec," Robert gestured to the sofa, with his right hand out stretched. The sunlight, from the large rounded window on the back wall, gleamed off of the wedding ring Robert had on—further spurring Alec's emotions into a state of utter turmoil.
"This isn't a conversation where you tell me to sit down and that everything is okay. I—It's not going to work like that dad." He shook his head and stood stoically still in his spot. Somehow, unwavering, even considering the fact that Alec felt as if his thick legs were crumpling and giving out on him too soon.
"What do you want me to tell you Alec?" Robert's voice quivered; as if he were on the cusp of falling into an endless void of pain. Or tears, to put it in simpler terms. For a moment the sound of his voice caught Alec off guard, and it was like he took in his own personal blow to his chest for getting that out of his father.
"How about the truth?" Alec suggested rather angrily. It took a moment for Alec to distinguish where the anger was coming from; because, as he had decided before he was not anger with Robert, he was hurt. Possibly the anger came from the fact that Alec was having a decidedly good day before Jace had to disrupt it. But that was way too mild of an occurence to make Alec this angry...
"I don't... I can't—"
"All of it." Alec interrupted once again, gaining a shred of confidence each time. His voice was studious, blunt and blank—he was holding perfect composure; at least that was what he was conveying on the outside. He couldn't appear unsure of anything he was saying, because that would only give Robert the leverage to use it against him.
"You want to know the truth Alexander? You want to hear first and foremost about the fact that I am weak?" Robert began, his voice hiking up an octave on each word. "That at the time that I gave into someone else it was because I wasn't man enough to face my own fears?" Robert shouted, the questions pouring out of him in such a tortured, scattered manner. "I loved Maryse so much, to the point that I started hating her; hating my life. After awhile we became each other, we worked around one another so much so that we were fully encased together. I lost myself in my love for her—no matter how hard to believe—and I resented her for that."
"Then why—" Alec started.
"You will not interrupt me Alexander. You wanted to know this, you wanted to know the why, the who—"
"I already know who." Alec muttered to himself, too low for Robert to catch it—or hopefully he didn't actually catch that, Alec thought.
"Would you like to repeat that for me?"
"No, it was nothing. I just... Can't exactly comprehend..." He trailed off and thrust his hands into the front pockets of his pants; hooking his thumbs into the waistband.
"I didn't expect you to be able to." Robert placed his hand on the back of his neck, one of Alec's many quirks that he shared with him, and rubbed vigorously up and down, in his disgruntled state. "Look, you and Izzy were so young when Maryse and I split up..." They locked eyes from across the small expanse of space between them; Alec's lake blue eyes; questioning. Robert's dark eyes; conveying. "We were separated for a bit, a long time ago, and I was with someone else during that time. That was, until, your mother informed me that she was pregnant with Max."
"I didn't even know that, that was what was going on. I remember mom telling us that you were going to be home soon, that no matter what you were coming back." Alec felt a flash of warmth hit his eyes, recognizing the sign of impending tears. That was not what he went to his father to do; to cry. He quickly dashed away the tears that were threatening to spill over, with the pad of his thumb.
"Like I said, you two were very young. I didn't know if I was going to be able to come back, truly, but Max... He made me think of what I left behind. That little boy woke me up. He saved me, us." Robert was now leaning his hip against his desk, almost like the wood was the only thing holding him up; his voice was a quivering mess of words, bubbled around a cloud of grief.
"Please don't say that. I—I don't want to talk about M-Max." He stuttered on every word as sobs choked his throat. He wouldn't let the endless cries for his brother slip from his thin lips. Not now.
"Alec, I understand, we don't need to talk about him really. I was only trying to explain to you what you came here to hear." Robert sighed. "Look, these situations are very complicated to explain. You have to know that I do love your mother. But I can just be so weak, and that's hard for me to admit, Alec. After... Max died I felt as if that catalyst in my life, that kept me from giving up, was wrongfully taken from me. He was taken from all of us. And those years after Max's death, before I left, I couldn't handle anything at all. Nothing can compare to the pain of losing a child and feeling as if you have no one to truly go to."
"Please, I don't want to talk about Max." Alec's voice was on the brink of breaking, fading to the point that he would be unable to speak anymore.
"Alec I get it—"
"No you don't get it!" He cut Robert off with a booming yell. He could feel the heat of anger, loss, and despair roll off of him in harsh crackling waves. "No one will ever be able to understand. This is all my fault, you left—again—because of me. You got someone else pregnant, because of me."
"What?" Robert looked truly shocked and raised his hand to cover his mouth. His dark eyes only seemed to become darker as realization dawned on him. Alec slipped the papers, Jace had got from the mail box, onto Robert's desk right beside him. Robert looked down for a moment, taking in what Alec had just handed him and in the next moment his eyes shot up to regard Alec once again. "Where did you get this?" He whispered in disbelief.
"It doesn't matter where I got them from. All that matters is that you left us for... What dad? A better life? Aren't we enough?" A tear slipped from Robert's left eye then, followed by many more after that. Alec couldn't remember the last time he saw his father willingly cry in front of him. And then, he took a short second to think, coming to the conclusion that he had just broke something within his father.
"I can't explain any of this to you. I just can't," Robert hid his eyes under his hand, taking in shuddering breaths as tears stained his cheeks. "Your mother is such a good woman." He whispered. "She gave me you three and I lost sight of that and fell into complicated and deceiving situations after Max died. For that I am forever ashamed and regretful of. I... Can only ask that one day you find it within yourself to forgive me. To love me again." He choked up, causing Alec to shiver rather violently.
He couldn't see his father like this; he wouldn't. After all, this only enabled the silent building fear within Alec that he is exactly like his father, and that in a time of rebuilding after the fallout of a weakness avoided he, Alec, would want his loved ones to forgive him, to love him again whole-heartedly.
"Dad of course I love you. I just... I don't know anymore." Alec sighed as he slipped down against the wall right beside the door, resting his elbows onto his knees while bringing his fingers up and into his hair, treading lightly. "I just don't want to be shut out. I feel as if everyone, in their own way, has shut me out after Max d—died."
He saw the subtle shadow of his father's body loom over him and looked up for a flash of a second before Robert sat down across from him, perching his broad, sturdy back against his desk. "I don't want you to ever think that we shut you out for what happened Alec. Your mother and I just agreed that it would be better if you three didn't know about this," he held up the papers regretfully, "for this exact reason." He gestured with his index finger between them. "I'm so sorry that you feel deliberately kept out of things."
"It's okay." Alec sighed. "I've gotten so used to it, that sometimes I don't even realize it happening." He let out a short clipped laugh, instantly stopping when he saw the pained expression on Robert's face.
"We won't let secrets linger between us anymore. All my cards are on the table if you want them and they will forever more, be. You can choose to trust me if you would like and tell me what's going on with you." Robert paused, knitting his eyebrows tightly together. "I feel like I have lost touch as to who you are. If you want to talk, and I mean honestly talk, I'll be here for you Alec. That is, if you let me."
"Actually dad, th—there's something that I need to tell you." The anger and sorrow of their previous conversation was slowly being forgotten; although not yet resolved. The revelations made by Robert were a large piece of the puzzle to figuring out exactly what Alec went to his study, in the first place, looking for. But he wasn't completely satisfied just yet. "I'm—" A somewhat timid knock sounded on the closed-door and then Jace peeked his head in, taking stock of Alec and Robert sitting on the floor across from each other—Robert's eyes bloodshot from the tears he had shed and Alec nervously biting his bottom lip. Had he been doing that the whole time?
"Uhh, Alec, Magnus is at the door for you." Jace stuck out his thumb, pointing behind his shoulder. Jace's bright golden eyes ceased to stop skipping between studying Alec's and Robert's faces; going back and forth to gage exactly what had happened. Alec knew that this would be a moment for Jace to talk to Robert, and that his time with Robert could wait. Even if Jace wasn't Robert's and Maryse's biological son, they had cared for him like he was their own since they first held custody of him.
"He knows about it too," Alec quietly alluded to Robert, nodding his head to Jace. Robert understood and took in a deep breath through his nose.
"Jace why don't we talk now and Alec can go get the door?" He suggested as he got to his feet and brushed the palms of his hands against the back of his legs. Alec moved to get up as well, and shifted around Jace who stood hesitantly in the doorway of the study. Alec gave him a subtle nudge, urging him into the room. "And Alec?" Robert called after him, before he left the room completely. "I'll always be here."
Alec could feel hot, stinging tears well up in the back of his eyes, on the brink of bursting forth. He didn't say anything as he walked away from the room and made his way to the front foyer. The sight of Magnus standing on the threshold of his front door brought on an onslaught of emotions: relief and sadness mixed together. He was breaking, but only slightly, and yet he didn't care all that much, anymore, that it was in front of Magnus. He actually, somehow, yearned for the thought of having Magnus there to share in his lowest points.
Magnus smiled brightly for a second, but then immediately took in the look on Alec's face, his smile fading hastily. Alec pulled him to the side, away from the view out of the front door to where his car was parked, and backed him up against a wall; throwing his arms around Magnus' neck.
Alec sighed deeply as Magnus placed his hands tightly around Alec's waist, gripping the small of his back. The feeling of being held against Magnus was an amazing experience that Alec would bask in for the rest of his life if he was allowed to. "Alexander, what's wrong?" Magnus whispered, his warm breath tickling the fine hairs along the side of Alec's neck. Magnus tilted his head forward a bit and caught Alec's earlobe between his teeth, nipping lightly.
"I don't want to talk about it." Alec kissed Magnus' cheek lightly and pulled his head back to look into those shining green-yellow cat eyes that held the world within them. They were now rimmed with a thick splattering of shimmering gold glitter and a thin line of black eyeliner, pulling out the different hues of green and gold in Magnus' eyes. No matter how many times Alec studied Magnus' face, he was surprised every time to feel this immense amount of discovery; he liked the feeling.
"Alexander..." Magnus groaned in an exasperated fashion, loosening his hold against Alec's back.
"Wait, no." Alec pushed himself closer to Magnus, fitting into the planes of his body. "It's about my dad. And I will tell you, just not right now." Alec sheepishly smiled, while his eyebrows furrowed together on his forehead. "What I want to do right now is kiss you." He caught the subtle twitch of Magnus' lush lips tilting up at the corners into a smile, and took that as a sign to continue. "Can I?"
"Do you even have to ask, lovely?" Magnus closed the short distance between them, leaning in to capture Alec's lips with his own in a long, slow, passionate kiss. Ever since the night before, Alec felt as if they were most definitely going to be much more intense with one another, and this kiss only seemed to solidify that fact more so. Not to mention what they did in Magnus' car that morning hyped up that suspicion even more.
"Why are you here?" Alec asked once they both needed room for air within their lungs once again.
"Oh shit." Magnus breathed out. "Jem and Tessa are in the car waiting for us. I was supposed to go to Idris with them today and Jem suggested to bring you along." Alec dropped his hands from around Magnus' neck and at the same time Magnus returned his hands to his sides. Instantly, Alec missed Magnus' shiver inducing touch.
"Well then we, uhh, better not keep them waiting." Alec scratched the back of his neck and walked over to the left side of the foyer, slipping on a pair of his cream-colored shoes; thankful that he had decided to pull Magnus against the wall and kiss him instead of directly in view of Magnus' car outside.
"Are you sure you're going to be able to keep your hands to yourself today?" Magnus wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and started laughing when Alec threw him a scowl. "I was also wondering if you maybe wanted to have a little... Sleepover again at my place?" Alec gulped loudly at that, but didn't have any edge of doubt about the idea of sharing a bed with Magnus again. He bit his lip, in that way that he knew just drove Magnus crazy and nodded his head once. "Good, because spending all day with you and not being able to touch you sounds like absolute hell to me. And then we have school tomorrow, and the next day, and—"
"They're still waiting outside for us, you know." Magnus rolled his eyes playfully at Alec and muttered a low 'whatever' before he stalked his way past Alec and out of the front door.
A/N: Oh gosh, I was frightened to write this author's note. So, as you all know I have been on a major hiatus of the sorts. If you read the previous author's note (that is now deleted) then you would know that I was on vacation for a bit, and that I did not have a laptop for a while once I came back). I'm good now, all will be better (especially with the updates). I did just start school again, but luckily this semester is extremely laid back and I can promise you that I will be writing a lot more! I have English as well, this semester, and I am hoping to improve in my writing where it needs improving! The conflict with Robert is still not completely resolved, he definitely tried to deflect attention from AnnaMarie and you'll find out why later on. I'm trying to get more into Alec's inner thoughts, because I feel as if I focus a lot on Magnus' emotions and not enough on Alec's, in some respect? I don't know exactly, you tell me! I also want to give a shout out to a lovely user be the name 'ItsRainingSideways' who drew me a picture of Magnus and posted it on her deviant art. I am beyond flattered and just so happy that someone would consider to do that for this story. I like to think that my story has touched your lives, in any way really.
Thank you for sticking with me throughout all of this and for those of you who are still here, reading what I am writing you deserve the treat I promised last time:
"Please, harder." Magnus nearly screamed as Alec continuously pounded away inside of him; sweat dripping between the crease of his eyebrows and shoulders. He was trying desperately not to fall over the edge before Magnus did—he wanted to see everything; see the look on Magnus' face as Alec brought him to sheer ecstasy. He picked up his pace, thrusting harder, so much so that the only sounds in the room were the low husky moans emitting from their lips, the soft patter of rain drops against the windows overhead and skin slapping against skin."
Let's see if we can get it to 700 for a faster update? Review please?
Amber,