AN: So I thought about an apology for being super shitty and not writing anything for months. But I can't seem to think of one that will justify not writing. I got busy, work, sleep, boyfriend(who I live with and I spend a lot of time with) stupid MMORPG world of warcraft(hate that game, so addicting) Oh and then there was the summer break for VD and then it came back. Then I was like WTF cause this season just sucks. Every week I end up beyond disappointed with the episode, more so each week then with the last. My boyfriend makes fun of me because he doesn't understand why I watch it if I am always disappointed in it. I told him that I am waiting for Damon and Elena to get together. Which seems to fall further from my grasp each episode. I thought from the previews last week that Stefan was going to cheat on Elena with Katherine and it made me so excited for a whole week just for my hopes and dreams to be crushed by the horrible shitty writers for the show. My boyfriends theory is that they will milk the Damon/Elena thing for as long as they can. OH and the episode ended with her back with Stefan, REALLY? I mean come on. Please just give me a break. On the bright side if forced me out of my "writers block" to write because I need to live out Delena goodness somewhere in my life.
Disclamier: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. If I did it would be 100x more awesome than it is now. Most likely with Stefan killed off in episode 1.
There was so many things about my new life that I just didn't like. For example it might be the imminent fact that Katherine looms over my thoughts constantly. It might also be the fact that with my doppelganger is my ex-boyfriend. I can't figure out why he is still here. I thought for sure the second that he found out about everything with Damon and I that he would have booked it out of Mystic Falls claiming to never return and living the rest of his existence away as a recluse. A part of me feels horrible for saying, the human part of me that is still left. Its just his personality though. There's a pang in my chest that I have, I think that its because I still want to be friends with him. Then there is this new overwhelming feeling that I have that he just simply annoys me.
I would never tell him that. Every day it's a struggle in my mind if I should just snap and say something to him. Then my other side fights with me to be nice. There isn't a switch at all, there can't be. I can not seem to find it. If I did I would make sure that the thoughts of me practically hating the essence of him would disappear and I would be nothing but nice again. The part that I truly do want to be. Some days its just really hard to control it though.
Its been a month and Katherine has not shown herself. It has been a month of constantly being on edge. I try my hardest when I am around Damon to let the part of me that is still human be around him. Fully and completely. That is the part that he loved, wasn't it? I haven't told him how I feel like the monster that is inside of me tries to break free everyday. How I can feel it crawling through my skin, pushing against me trying to get out.
I wont let it out. I will not be Katherine.
I spend so much time in my head convincing myself that I am not her that I'm afraid it will just slip out and this "switch" that every vampire seems to talk about will finally be shut off. The paranoia of her is an insect crawling through my head working its way through my subconscious thought.
The one thing that I am more afraid of than Katherine herself. The bigger challenge of it, trying to keep Damon out of my head for those thoughts that pass through. I will admit that every once in a while I let out an irritated thought of Stefan, it always seems to bring a smirk to his face. Especially when Stefan is around trying to lecture us on the importance of being prepared to fight Katherine.
I do remember that when Damon had told him about telling the council about Katherine he wasn't very happy about it. Which sparked curiosity in both Damon and I. Stefan later on changed his mind commending Damon for his brilliance but there was an air to it.
"This is what she wants." I say quietly, knowing that Damon will hear me even though he is sitting across the room completely enveloped in a book of werewolf lore.
Damon lifts his head up to look at me, I can feel his eyes on me even though mine are still looking out the window at the overcast sky. "What is?"
"She wants us to be sitting here worried. I don't know why I haven't thought of it before. That's why she hasn't shown herself."
"You can be right. I know that Katherine wouldn't give up on you that easily. I'm surprised she isn't relishing in the fact of what she did." I can hear the pain behind his words. I feel one emotion radiating off of him, almost as if it just travels to me instantly. His hatred for her washed over me from that night when she killed me. A flashback of her face that night comes to me, causing me to jolt for a second. I push the image of her aside quickly, not wanting to alarm Damon. "The unfortunate part with Katherine is that you are always a pawn in her game but only she knows the rules and she can change them at any time." Damon says as he glances back down at the book. I know that he is trying to concentrate on the ancient text on the page but I can still feel the venom for her that he is trying to repress.
"What if you don't want to play the game?" I ask finally breaking my eyes away from the gray sky.
"You're always playing her game." His words cause silence to fall over us again.
"Its true you know." The voice causes both of us to jump up from out spots quickly, facing the direction from where the voice was coming from. I've heard the voice a thousand times over. Each night replaying in my head.
Do not move. Damon's voice cuts through quickly.
Katherine stood in front of us. Every aspect of her completely identical to me. The only difference between us was her dark fashion sense and the dark eyeliner she brimmed her eyes with. "Its been really hard for me to find a minute for you two to be alone. I mean with the little vampire girl here, your brother and your brother here." She says motioning to Damon with the last your. "Kind of crowded don't you think?" Katherine says as she makes her way down the three small steps into the parlor.
"I really shouldn't even bother wasting my time asking what you want because I know you're just going to lie about it."
"Is that really what you think of me?" Katherine says as she casually falls over the side of the couch landing on it perfectly, her dark hair falling around her. "I did happen to come here to tell you what I want."
I stand there in silence with Damon, both of us waiting for her response.
"Well since you obviously aren't going to ask, I want you back Damon." The silence remains between all of us, Damon's face set in stone. I can still feel his emotions though. Even at her words his hatred doesn't falter. "Fine you got me, that wasn't the original reason I came to this God awful town but since my own plan fell apart at my own demise I'm settling for this one. You are the one that said I can change the rules at anytime. So new rules. I want you back. I want her out of the picture. She has 1 day to get out of this town before I start killing everyone she loves and cares about. Including her vampire brother. I'm sure you all thought you were going to have a happy vampire family but I will make sure it doesn't happen." With her last words Katherine gets off of the couch, walking out into the foyer swaying her hips on the way out.
The tense muscles in my body loosen as soon as the front door closes. It will be okay. I send the message to Damon trying to reassure him even though I am not so sure myself anymore.
"You were right to have all of those thoughts of her." Damon says quietly still looking at the spot where she was standing just a moment ago.
I felt ashamed for a moment, I know that I had been spending most of our time recently quite. Trying my hardest not to be distant when we were alone. "I try my hardest to not let you hear all of my thoughts. Almost as if I don't think it loud enough you wont hear it." My cheeks want to burn red but I know that its impossible. I put my head down to the floor though, not wanting to make eye contact.
He is so quick that I don't hear him move, its his warm hands that I feel on my face that cause me to look up. My eyes are brimming with tears, another thing that I am grateful for. It shows that not all of me is dead inside. "I know that all of this has been really hard for you, I know that this life isn't want you wanted. I want to make this what you want though." His words are so strong and I see the resolve on his face.
"Of course this isn't what I wanted." I say to him the tears still streaming. "The part about Katherine I hate and I feel so guilty about letting her consume me. I can be fine with this life its just…." I trail off trying to bring myself to say the words.
The backs of his fingers gently brush my cheek wiping away the tears, his eyes piercing mine. The clear ocean that I still get lost in. "It kills me that Katherine was the one to do this. I wanted…"I keep fumbling over my words, I guess in a way still trying to come to terms with them. "I wanted you to be the one to actually turn me."
Saying the words finally brings a relief to me. Damon's eyes soften as I feel the tears finally stopping. "Is this why you've been this way for a while now?" He asks his voice quiet. I nod my head lightly.
"At first I didn't realize it but its been a month now and the more I think about it the more that I wished it would have been you. That I wouldn't have cared for you to look for another cure for what was happening to me. There was only one and we both know that. I would have changed for you." I treated the thought of Katherine turning me like a fresh would that I was treating with salt just so it will still feel new.
As soon as the last word comes out I feel Damon's soft lips crash hard onto mine. It takes me just a second to react, meeting his lips with just as much force. A car crash just waiting to happen. I push myself on the tips of my toes to push myself into him more. The kiss reminds me of everything I felt for him when I was still alive, just so much more intense. At the same time I feel guilt wash over me for how I had let Katherine hang above me like the poison she is. I push the thoughts away quickly letting myself get lost in his kiss.