My eyes shot up to the sound of whimpering. I felt Brittany squirming around in my arms. I got a look at her face and she was as pale as a ghost and sweaty.
"Don't touch me! Get away from me!" she yelled while moving around violently.
I put my arms around her tighter. I quickly understand that she is having a nightmare.
"Britt." I rub up and down her arms attempting to wake her up.
"Brittany, wake up." I kissed her cheek. She turned around quickly with wide eyes.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" her voice cracked.
"It's ok. Were you having a nightmare?" I brushed away a strand of hair away from her face.
"Yes. Sorry again for waking you up." She turned back around to back to sleep.
"Hey," I laced our fingers together. "Please don't shut me out." I pleaded. She felt her exhale and take a deep breath before she turned around completely to face me.
"It's not something I want to talk about in the middle of the night. Can we go to sleep and talk about it in the morning?" she asked looking up at me.
"Are you sure you're ok?" I asked concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I knew she was lying. I decided to let it go for now. She'll talk about it when she's ready. I leaned down and gave her a kiss before she turned around and fell back asleep.
I woke up at 11:15 and Brittany was nowhere to be found. I found a note on my bedside.
Santana,
Sorry about last night and for leaving you right now... I forgot to do some homework so I went back to Rachel's to finish it up. Call me later?
-Brittany xoxo
I sighed and took out my phone to text Rachel.
To Rachel: hey did britt get back ok? she said she had some homework so I don't want to bother her.
I got out of bed to make myself breakfast. I had a few hours before my first class started so I went all out and made eggs, bacon, potatoes, and toast. After I was finished stuffing my face I saw my phone light up with a new text message.
From Rachel: she got back ok. did something happen last night? she seems off…
I started to panic. How did Rachel notice something was wrong? Why hasn't Brittany called me yet?
To Rachel: what do you mean off? call me now.
I saw Rachel's name light up on my phone, I answered immediately.
"What's going on with Brittany" I asked in a panic.
"I don't know…she came back and seemed jumpy and distant. Did everything go ok last night?" she asked curios
"Of course everything went ok! Everything was fine until I had to wake her up from a nightmare." I said casually.
It took a couple seconds for Rachel to respond.
"Nightmare huh?" she asked.
"Yes, she was yelling and saying stuff, do you think that has something to do with it?" I asked
"Yeah, maybe. I'm sorry but I have to go, I'll talk to you later ok?" she said
"Ok, bye." I said before hanging out.
It's almost time to go to class and I still hadn't heard anything from Brittany. Now I'm starting to think she is deliberately ignoring me. I didn't do anything wrong, why is she doing this?
It was time to go to class so I decided to try to give her a quick call.
*Ring…ring…ring…ring…Hi! This is Brittany's phone. I'm obviously not here so leave me a message!*
"Hey Britt it's me. I'm a little worried so can you please call or text me?" I pressed end call and walked into class. After class was over I rushed out to check my phone. Still no word. Instead of feeling angry I felt hurt. She was deliberately ignoring me. I fast walked back to my apartment. When I got home I curled up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate and turned on the TV. I was starting to drift off when I felt my phone vibrating. My heart rate began to speed up.
From Brittany: we should talk. can you meet me?
My eyes started to fill with tears. Everyone knows the whole 'we should talk' is never good.
To Brittany: sure. where?
From Brittany: can I come over instead?
To Brittany: I guess so.
From Brittany: ok. I will be there soon…
I didn't respond back. I got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up so she didn't know I had been crying. As I walked out I heard a knock on the door. When I open the door her eyes were red and puffy, honestly she looks like a mess. I don't even say anything; I open the door and motion her to come in. I'm torn, half of me is pissed off at her and the other half wants to pull her in my arms and comfort her. As she walks past me I quietly shut the door. She walks toward the couch and sits down. I walk over to sit next to her and I notice she's starting to cry.
"Brittany. I'm trying not get mad here because you're crying and stuff…but you left me this morning and ignored me all day so please tell me what the hell is going on. If you don't want us then tell me now." I said making eye contact with her. Tears kept streaming down her face. I've never seen her emotional like this and it's absolutely breaking my heart.
"There is something I didn't tell you." She wiped her face again.
"Ok…" I was getting ready for her to tell me she didn't want to be with me.
"When I said I hadn't been with someone…I sort of lied." Her voice kept cracking.
"What do you mean? You slept with someone?" I looked down at my feet trying to blink away tears. I know we were broken up but she lied to me and it hurts.
"Yes. I mean…I was going to wait to tell you this because I know you won't look at me the same." She said miserably.
"I'm confused. Why would you lie to me?" I looked up at her.
She sniffled, "I was with someone, but it wasn't voluntary. I was out with people from the studio and my drink was drugged. The thing is, I remember everything. I couldn't move I couldn't do anything about it I just had to take it. After he was finished he just left me there in a motel room paralyzed," tears started rushing out of her eyes again. "It's also one of the main reasons I left LA. I staying there for a year after it happened and went to therapy. When I told my dance instructor why I had been so "off" he insisted that I wouldn't be the same dancer if I stayed in LA. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I know once I told you, you wouldn't want to touch me. This also explains the nightmares I've been having…" She waited for my response. I was speechless. She was raped? My Brittany was taken advantage of? What kind of person could do something like that to her? I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't even noticed I was crying until she reached out and wiped my tears away giving me a soft smile.
"Please don't cry. It happened a year ago. The therapy helped a lot and being here with you is already helping too." she said
I let out a shaky breath, "I get why you didn't tell me. You've only been back a few days. I don't really know what to say. I'm going to kill whoever did this to you." I started crying harder at the thought of Brittany and some guy.
"Santana please look at me," she tilted my chin up so I was forced to look her in the eyes. "Shit happens. Yes it was awful, but I'm trying to move on with my life. The nightmares don't help but when I sleep with you they aren't so bad. I'm sorry I ignored you today; I was trying to figure out a way to tell you all of this. I get if you want space now, I just wanted you to know that happened. I don't want to hide anything from you." She was still crying. I reached out and grabbed her hand, she looked up surprised.
"I'm not going anywhere." I smiled at her
"Really?" she asked honestly
"Really. You're it for me. I want you, every part of you. Damaged or not." I wrapped my arms around her. She put her head in the crook of my neck and cried.
"Thank you." She mumbled
"Hey," I made her look at me. "No more crying ok?" I said
"Ok." she sniffled. I leaned down to give her a reassuring kiss. She tensed at first but quickly gave in. She brings her hands to my face pulling me in closer to deepen the kiss. Now I definitely don't want to do anything she's not comfortable with. I don't want her to think I'm treating her different then before but this bombshell she dropped isn't going to be forgotten when things start to get heated. I pulled back.
"What's wrong?" she asked leaning in for another kiss. I looked at her questioningly before giving in and letting her kiss me hard. She pushed my back against the couch so she was on top of me never breaking the kiss. I pulled back again.
"Are you sure you're ok with this?" I asked
"Yes. I'm always 100% comfortable with you. Don't ever question that." She leaned down to continue kissing me. She started moving her hands under my shirt when I grabbed her hands to stop her.
"We can't do this right now." I said. She looked hurt as she pulled her hands away and got up off of me.
"I don't want you to treat me different. That was my biggest fear telling you." She looked down at her hands twiddling her thumbs. I sat up and took her hands in mine.
"I'm not treating you different. The plan of taking things slow was in affect before you told me. Now even more I want this to be special, it's kind of a lot of pressure now, you know?" I asked
"I get that, I do but I don't want you to think I'm not ready." She said shyly
"I just don't want you to rush things and then regret it or try when you're not ready and get freaked out." I said
"Isn't it obvious I'm ready? I've wanted this since the day we broke up. I miss being intimate with you. I thought you wanted this too..." Her faced saddened.
"I do want this! I miss being with you too. Can you let this sink in for a minute before trying anything?" I asked honestly
"If you want me to stop trying fine. If you're grossed out I get it." She stated furiously as she got up off the couch and walked toward the front door.
"Brittany!" I tried to grab her hand and stop her but she pulled away quickly. She turned around to face me with fresh tears in her eyes.
"What? Now you want to touch me?" She yelled with tears running down her face.
"You're not getting it Brittany! You think you're ready but you're not! It's ONLY been a year since it happened. You can't expect me to believe you're over it and ready to have sex again." I was upset that she was getting so mad at me.
"You have NO idea what I went through! So don't tell me I'm not ready when I know I am." She turned around and walked out. I broke down and started crying again. I went to the cabinet to greet my old friend Jack Daniels. After about 6 drinks I passed out on the couch.
I woke up to an annoying banging on my door.
"Santana! Santana open up! Santana!" She yelled
What time is it? Oh it's only 6:00. Who's at my door? I got up slowly and went to open it.
"What are you doing here?" I spat
"What am I doing here? Brittany came home earlier. Crying her eyes out! All she kept saying was 'Santana doesn't want to touch me! She's disgusted by me!' So tell me Santana what did you do now?" She yelled
"You don't get to come here and yell at me in my own apartment!" I slurred
"Your drunk. I can smell you. This is justgreat Santana." She spat
"Just leave it alone Rachel. You can't fix this." I shut the door in her face and went back to my room to pass out on my bed.
It's been four days since I've heard from Brittany or Rachel. I know I was drunk and yelled at Rachel but she could have at least texted me. I got up to go to class just like the other days. I've been miserable without Brittany. Usually when I go to class I dress nice and do my makeup. Now, I've been going in my sweats with my hair up and no makeup on. After I got out of class I picked up my phone to call her.
"Hello?" She said. It felt so good hearing her voice again. I know it's only four days but I really miss her.
"Brittany." I let out a sigh
"Is there a reason your calling?" There was all kinds of background music, she sounded busy.
"I miss you." I said softly. I heard her let out a deep breathe.
"I can't do this right now. I'm really busy." She said fast.
"Oh...yeah, yeah sorry. But...can we please meet and talk about things?" I asked
"Ok. But I really have to go. Bye Santana." She hung up before I could say goodbye.
I threw my phone on my bed and went to take a shower. A ten minute shower turned into a two hour bath. After this whirlwind of a week it felt amazing just lying in the bathtub and relaxing. After my fingers got too pruned I got out. I shot a quick text to Brittany to let her know I still want to meet up.
To Brittany: do you still want to see me so we can talk?
I almost erased the text before hitting send.
From Brittany: yeah. can you come over?
To Brittany: is berry there?
From Brittany: no, she's at the library.
To Brittany: ok, I'll come over soon.
I put on some nice clothes and did my makeup before heading out. I'm so nervous my hands are already shaking. The last thing I want it for her to reject me. On my way to the apartment I stopped and bought a fresh bouquet of pink roses. When I finally arrived, my nerves caused me to start sweating. I did my best to wipe it away before knocking on her. I heard footsteps coming closer. When she opened the door her eyes went down to the flowers I was holding.
"Hey." I said
"Hi." She said
We both stood there for what felt like days before I spoke up, "Um…these are for you." I said before holding them out for her. She reached out to take them.
"Thank you," She said softly. "You can come in…" she said gesturing me inside. I walked in behind her. She walked to the kitchen and pulled a vase out. I walked over and sat down at the kitchen table, she followed.
"You look nice." She stated
"Thanks, you do too." It was true. She always looked good but I loved when she wore those jeans. They made her butt look amazing. She sat down next to me and turned her chair so she was facing me.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said looking into my eyes. "You didn't deserve that, I didn't even give you a chance to explain. I'm also sorry for not talking to you all week I just thought I would give you some space to think about things."
"No. Brittany you don't need to apologize. You trusted me when you told me and I got upset. I'm so sorry," I took her hands but didn't lace them together, she didn't pull away. "I shouldn't have let the anger of what that guy did to you come out on you. You mean everything to me; the last thing I am is grossed out by you." She was crying now. She gave me a soft smile, I reciprocated.
"You're not grossed out by me?" she asked innocently
I squeezed her hands, "Not even close." I said reaching out to wipe her tears away. I heard her sniffle.
"I shouldn't have tried anything with you after I told you. I didn't realize how much pressure that is for you now." she said
"It's ok, it's not like I wasn't enjoying it." I chuckled.
"You were right. About not being ready…I thought I was but I'm not. I still see his face sometimes, especially in my nightmares. I assumed being here with you that everything would go away but it's not. I don't know what to do…" she said
"You can always talk to me. I know things didn't work out that well the first time you talked to me about it but I want to be here for you. If you don't want to talk to me then maybe getting another therapist would help?" I suggested
"You being here has already helped a lot. Being with you seems to be the only thing helping right now…but if my nightmares continue I'll start seeing someone."
"Ok. I want to clarify that you can always talk to me about anything…the nightmares you can talk to me about it. I'm not going to run away from you." I said
"I know, thank you." She said. I got up off the chair and reached down to lace our fingers together. I pulled her up so we were now face to face.
"I missed you this week." I said
"I missed you too." she said. I unlaced our hands so I could put my arms around her neck. She placed her hands around my waist and pulled me closer. I leaned up and gave her a sweet kiss. She gladly reciprocated parting her lips. We were so caught up in the kiss we didn't hear someone opening the front door.
"Brit—oh," we pulled away quickly hearing the intruders voice. "Sorry…I didn't know you were here." She looked at me.
"Well…here I am." I said. I didn't need to apologize to her. She is the one who came to my apartment with the sole purpose of yelling at me.
"I should go." I said, Brittany pouted. Rachel walked in her room and shut the door.
"Don't go please…" Brittany put her arms around my waist again.
"I'm sorry; it's a little awkward with me and Rachel right now." I said putting my arms around her waist as well.
"We can go in my room and watch a movie…" she suggested. I felt myself giving in. She leaned down and gave me a pleading kiss. I gave in.
"Fine!" I said pulling away. She smirked and grabbed my hand dragging me to her room. I realized I haven't seen her room before. She hasn't been her long but I know she loves to decorate. When we walked in her room hand in hand a smile crept up to my face. Her room was so her already. She had a poster on the side wall of a family of unicorns. Her bedding was had different kinds of flowers all over it. She had pictures of us framed on the desk. The walls were painted a light blue.
"Do you want more comfortable clothes?" She asked.
"Sure." I said sweetly. She let go of my hand and went to her closer to pull out sweats and a t-shirt. She walked back toward me and handed me the clothes.
"Thanks. You can change too you know." I said looking at her jeans.
"You just want to see me take my pants off." She looked at me seductively. I blushed and looked down at the floor.
"I was kidding...kind of…" She said stepping closer to me.
"If you're trying to seduce me, it's working." I said pressing my body against hers.
"Who said anything about seducing? You should probably change so we can watch a movie..." She smirked and walked toward her bed.
"Ugh. Fine." I said. If she was going to tease me then I was going to tease her back. I could feel her eyes on me as I slowly took my shirt off. I threw it on the ground and started unbuttoning my jeans. I slowly pushed them down my legs and stepped out of them. I reached out for the t-shirt she got me and put it on. I completely ignored the sweats and walked over toward her bed and slid in next to her. I looked at Brittany and she gulped.
"Um...forgetting something?" She asked looking down toward my legs.
I looked at her seductively. "It's a little hot in here..." I said waiting for her to open up her laptop and start a movie. She grinned at me.
"You're so right." She said. I looked at her and she was taking off her jeans under the covers. She pulled them out and smirked at me.
"So...what movie do you want to watch?" She asked pulling her laptop so it's in the middle of us.
"Hmm...I don't think it really matters." I said looking her in the eyes. I didn't really care about what movie. At this point I just wanted to lie down with her and get our sweet lady kisses on.
"How about...Mean Girls?" She asked. I don't think she was getting the hint. She looked at me questioningly and I leaned down to kiss her fully on the lips. I felt her lips form a smile against mine.
"No movie?" She pulled away.
"No movie." I said leaning down to kiss her again. I parted my lips to let her tongue in.
"Mmmm." I hummed kissing her more passionately. I moved my body so I was on top of her now. My knees on both sides of her pressed into the mattress. I kept kissing her and felt her hands begin to wander. She grabbed the edge of my shirt and pulled it over my head. I was shocked by her boldness.
"Umm," I attempted to speak but she kept kissing me "Brittany." I pulled back and looked in her eyes.
"Is this ok?" She asked looking a little confused and why I stopped.
"Yeah! I mean...I'm in my underwear and we're making out. I don't want to get carried away, that's all." I explained still on top of her. She smirked and leaned up to kiss me softly.
"I'll stop if it becomes too much, ok?" She asked
"Ok." I smiled and leaned down to kiss her again. I played with the hem of her shirt. I pulled away and looked at her silently asking for permission. She nodded and I began taking her shirt off. She sat up a little so I could pull it over her head. When I pulled it off I threw it next to the bed and leaned down to kiss her. It was starting to get hot. Literally. We were under the covers and we were both starting to sweat.
"It's hot." I said pulling away. Her breasts were glimmering with beads of sweat.
"Yeah, can you just push the covers down?" She asked. I slid off her and grabbed her laptop placing it on the end table. I folded the covers so they were on the end of the bed. When I turned around Brittany was lying on her side propped up on her elbow.
"Enjoying the view?" I asked crawling back towards her. I mimicked her position so I was facing her propped on my elbow.
"Very much so." She said leaning in for a kiss. I thought it was going to be a quick kiss but she pushed me on my back so she was on top now. We both heard the door open and Brittany just stayed on top of me while looking up at the door.
"Hey Brittany, can I use—ugh again!" she covered her eyes. "Do you guys ever stop going at it?!" She asked very embarrassed.
"Do you ever stop walking in on us?" I asked sarcastically. Brittany gave me a disapproving look.
"Rachel...we're kind of in the middle of something so..." Brittany leaned down and gave me a quick kiss.
"Are you seriously kissing again while in standing right here?" Rachel asked annoyed.
"Yeah Rachel we are, so get out!" I reached over and threw a pillow at her.
"Hey!" Rachel uncovered her eyes and snarled at me. "I just need to borrow Brittany's straightener." She said.
"No offense Rachel, but we are both in our underwear and it seems like you are creepin on us right now." Brittany said. Rachel's face turned red and she turned around and walked out the door. Neither of us is uncomfortable with our bodies so we could really care less what she saw.
"God she's annoying sometimes." I said leaning up to kiss her. She gladly met me halfway pressing her lips hard against mine.
"Maybe that was a sign we should actually watch the movie..." Brittany said rolling off of me.
"What? There was no such sign!" I said playfully.
"Ok, we can kiss more." She said rolling right back on top of me and giving me a sweet kiss. I pulled away to catch my breath.
"Will you be my girlfriend?" I asked looking her right in the eyes. I saw her eyes starting to get glossy. I started to panic. I thought she wanted this? I think she saw my panic because the next thing I knew, her lips were on mine for a passionate kiss. When she pulled she wiped away a tear and smiled at me.
"What's wrong?" I asked grabbing her hand and lacing them with mine.
"I'm just really happy." She admitted smiling at me.
"So is that a yes?" I asked obviously knowing the answer already.
"Do you really have to ask that?" She said quirking her eyebrow.
"No, I guess not," I leaned up to give her a loving kiss. "So how about that movie?" I asked
"I'm actually pretty sleepy. I haven't really been sleeping much this week." She said rolling off of me again.
"I'm sorry. Is it the nightmares?" I asked
"Yes and I just don't sleep as well without you with me..." She admitted.
"I'll stay with you whenever you want. I mean it." I said rolling on my side to face her.
"Thank you. I would love for you to stay. You are my girlfriend after all..." She said seductively.
"Damn right I am." I said giving her another kiss.
"I don't think I'll ever get tired of your kisses." She said.
"Me either." We continued kissing for a while before she pulled away.
"Sleep time?" She asked.
"Sleep time." I said giving her a quick peck before sitting up and pulling a sheet over us. Brittany was the big spoon tonight. I felt her snake her arms around me and reach for my hand. She laced our fingers together and gave me a kiss on my cheek.
"Night San." She said
"Night Britt." I said falling into a blissful sleep.
Sorry it took a while for this update. I got sick and then I had midterms, but I'm fine now so I'll try to update sooner! :)