Chapter 43

Hermione didn't see Draco for a while; in fact since they'd had that…fight. It wasn't really a fight, it was much more profound than that. He had told her to make up her mind and to let him know when she did. The problem was that the situation wasn't getting any easier. There were no neat solutions presenting themselves. Draco firmly believed that love was enough and that this was an issue of her not trusting him enough.

It wasn't that she didn't trust him; she just didn't trust everyone around him. Although saying that, she knew it was the excuse that every irrationally jealous boyfriend used. At the core, this wasn't about Draco; it was about her and what she wanted in her life. Draco was what he was, and he was right, she knew that when she started with him. He had never hidden it or misled her in any way. She liked him, she just didn't like what he was, but they were both integral to him and she couldn't accept one without the other, it wouldn't work and it wasn't fair.

"It's been a while since we've had lunch," Ginny said. "You've been in boyfriend land for a while," Ginny said as she joined Hermione in a booth at the Leaky Cauldron. Hermione took the criticism in, it was true, she had been so wrapped up in Draco lately, she hadn't seen Ginny much.

"I'm sorry," Hermione said. "You're right, I've lost perspective a bit."

"From what Harry tells me, more than a bit."

Hermione hoped that Ginny wasn't angry that it was Harry she called when she had a bit of a melt-down the previous week, but it was always Harry when she was in trouble. "Things have kind of come to a crux."

"You must have seen this coming," Ginny said. "It isn't like it was something that cropped up. You two are fundamentally incompatible." On second thought, maybe Ginny was angry.

"We're not incompatible," Hermione defended. "Maybe some of our expectations as a little different, I just didn't want to face it, I guess." Hermione deflated and looked down at the cup of tea she had ordered. It was lunch time but she wasn't hungry, she rarely was at the moment. She wasn't stupid, she forced herself to eat, she just didn't want to do it here.

"What are you going to do?" Ginny asked a little more softly.

"I don't know," Hermione said. She stirred the tea and put the spoon carefully down on the table next to the cup. "I am the one who has to make all the sacrifices," she blurted out after a while. "I am the one who has to accept his lifestyle, neglect my own and put up with his insane friends, not to mention his family." It flowed out and Hermione felt the anger in all her words.

Ginny didn't say anything. "You do know that he is not capable of anything else. This is how he was raised and how he will live. He will never accept the muggle world."

"But I have to accept his world. It's utterly horrible. His mother, don't get me started… Did you know he expects me not to work?"

"It is a common attitude in this society, especially so amongst the purebloods. They are very traditional that way. They are traditional period."

"You could work if you wanted to," Hermione said.

"Yeah, but I am marrying Harry, and honestly I am not going to work. Besides why would you want to?"

Hermione didn't have a ready answer for that, it was just always something that was expected of her. Of course women worked, that was the way the world was. "To participate equally in society," she finally said. "To be your own person." Hermione stopped talking because whatever she said ended up being a reflection on Ginny's choice to not work and to stay at home with their children. She didn't mean to suggest that Ginny wasn't a participating member in society or a person in her own right, although she was effectively saying exactly that. Maybe there was a part of her that thought so too. She wasn't proud of it, but that was how she'd been raised. "It should just be a choice for those who want the option." This conversation was uncomfortable and Hermione started to regret that she had sent the invite to Ginny. This schism between her and Draco, was more than that, it was between her and magical society, and it was drawing out the difference between her and Ginny in the process.

"Do you love him?"

"Of course I do," she said a little tersely. She was getting annoyed that everyone kept asking her that. She just wished this would all go away. She closed her eyes. She wanted to lie on some sandy beach somewhere and not think about this at all.

"I'm sorry," Ginny said supportively. "I know I don't completely understand the options that you face. I don't know what to say. It was a bit of a shock when you and Draco ended up together due to the past and all the things from school, but you actually seem to be quite well suited, as insane as that sounds. I know his friends are complete gits, but you have us too. You don't have to hang out with them all the time, you have us and you have me."

"Except you aren't expected to live with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy."

"Yes well, there is that. On second thought, dump him."

Ginny actually made her laugh. She'd missed laughing; it felt like it had been a long time. It belied the serious choice she actually needed to make, but for now she just needed a laugh. Hermione realised that she needed to spend more time with her friends, she had been too caught up in Draco's world. She needed to rebalance her life, she just didn't know to what degree.

She missed him. His things were still all over her little flat and they smelled of him. The smell soothed her and she missed him even more. Her thoughts on her decision flipped every day. Some days, she was going to move on and life the kind of life her parents wanted her to, marry some nice muggle doctor, work and just get on with modern life. Be strong. Other days, she couldn't imagine not seeing Draco again. It would feel like cutting off one of her own limbs. The space in her bed just seemed cold and empty. His absence was wrenching her gut.

Going to work was a relief now. The weekends were horrid and lonely. She actually prayed for Monday morning to come around. She could then immerse herself in work and not feel so horrible for a little while.

"Hey there," said a voice from the door of her office as she was analysis the outcomes of an important meeting with their French counterpart. She looked up to see Blaise. A face she didn't expect to see. She opened her mouth to say something, but then changed her mind. "How are you? I've just come from a meeting with some of the Wizengamot members and I could murder a cup of tea. Please join me."

"I really must…"

"Please," he said again with such finality it suggested that he would not take no for an answer. She was also pining for some news of Draco and the only real link to him at this moment was standing in front of her in his sharp pinstripe suit. Hermione noted how very attractive he was, she had forgotten how swayed she had been by his good, dark looks and precise dressing. That was before she realised that there were some real flaws underneath.

"Sure," she finally said and they walked down to a tea room off the main lobby. Hermione didn't really come here, it was a little too 'high tea' for her taste and she stifled an eye roll as a smartly dressed girl provided them with a silver tea service shortly after they sat down. Even having a cup of tea had to be a show for the Slytherins and they didn't mind paying for the showmanship. The definition of exclusivity was that it was out of reach for most. Tea was never just tea, one of the things that annoyed her about them, she added to her mental list.

"How are you doing?" Blaise said with concern in his eyes. He was a very good actor, but she was pretty sure he was going through the motions. In fact, she wasn't entirely sure why he was here, but she would find out, she guessed. "I am sorry to hear that things have ended between you and Malfoy."

Hermione wanted to correct him to say that things weren't ended; they were just on hiatus while they sorted out some fairly major issues, but she didn't want to discuss it with Blaise. Firstly, she didn't trust Blaise, secondly, she suspected he would enjoy it a tad too much.

"I warned you to be careful with him; it was only a matter before he reverted to type."

"And what is that?" she asked.

"A drunken idle mess."

Hermione felt her brow knit together. "He's drinking?"

"He hasn't stopped." Blaise picked at some lint on his pants. "He is running with the European set at the moment, they travel from one bottle to the next, stopping off that the odd whorehouse along the way."

She knew he was trying to shock and disgust her. She didn't know how she felt about it. He was like that when she'd met him, drunk most of the time, different girl on his arm by the hour, without any direction or purpose other than his amusement and stimulation. He hadn't been like that for a while, but he had fallen right back into it. She also knew it was something he wanted to get away from.

"Don't worry," Blaise continued. "We won't let him do himself any harm. Pansy is taking care of him."

"I bet she is," Hermione snorted, not meaning for it to be said aloud.

"Besides, Draco is a professional at being idle and pleasure seeking. It was only a matter of time before his true character reinstated himself. He could only be on his best behaviour for so long. I hope you've come to realise that you've dodged a bullet on that one. How is work?"

Hermione mumbled something. Her dislike for Blaise also 'reinstated' itself as he put it. He was Draco's best friend and he had just come to her and told her that she was lucky to be rid of him.

"There is that Isherford Charter coming up, we have some strenuous objections to it passing it its current form. We should discuss it over dinner."

Hermione bit her lips together. He was hitting on her and she wanted to deck him. Not to mention Pansy who was no doubt taking full advantage of Draco in whatever state he was in. Hermione knew that Draco was hurt, deeply so, and so did Pansy. Another thing she absolutely hated about Slytherins, they kicked each other mercilessly when they were down.

She hated hearing that Draco was reverting to what was obviously self-destructive behaviour. She also knew that he'd been seeking a way out of that lifestyle with her. This knowledge just made this whole impossible situation even more so. And fucking Pansy, Hermione thought, why couldn't she just go find that one completely fucked up submissive type who actually liked her, surely in the whole world, there would be someone.

"Shall we say Friday?" Blaise said pulling out his small calendar book from his inside pocket.