Worth Living For,

Act I

by Elianda (a.k.a. Cygnonymous & TheLostGirl21)

SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.

SUMMARY: After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...

DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.

Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.

WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.

Chapter 2

Shepard could barely wrap his head around everything that had just happened. It had only been a few hours ago that he'd stepped off of the Normandy, setting foot on the Citadel for the first time in his life.

It was, for the lack of a better word, an amazing place. A melting pot of diversity, the very epicenter of galactic society. Everything was so pristine and beautiful, like it had been lifted straight from the pages of a novel.

If it weren't for the fact that simply being there was like standing knee-deep in political bullshit and red tape, he might have been inclined to want to stay a while longer. But as it stood, the place was a teeming hive of politicians and authority figures that were so wrapped up in their own agendas that he could barely take a step without smacking into someone with a "problem."

And those "problems" more of than not ended with Shepard and his crewmates have to run from one end of the Citadel to another to find the "solution."

The meeting with Ambassador Udina had been less than pleasant. Shepard didn't even have to wait for the balding politician to speak to him; he could already tell that he wasn't going to like him. He proved him right quite handily – the man was overly ambitious, loud, and was far too quick to bring accusations of failure down on his and his team's shoulders. He'd felt a small bit of pride when Captain Anderson had intervened on his behalf, but it hardly did anything to dissuade Udina.

Kaidan had appeared pretty unfazed by his accusations, however, remaining perfectly calm and unapologetic, yet polite. He'd actually seemed much more interested in the beautiful view they had from Udina's office than whatever the Ambassador had to say about their would-be failures. The Lieutenant appeared to have a pretty good grasp of how intergalactic politics worked in general, and obviously chose to let much of it slide. Especially when it seemed clear that said politicians were only worried about their own reputation, or trying to secure their position of power through intimidation. He had to wonder how much huffing and puffing from political figures Kaidan had been exposed to in the past.

The hearing with the Council was even worse. Without any solid evidence beyond Shepard's vision – Saren had condescendingly called it a "dream" – they had dismissed the charges without a second thought. They were left to stew in their own failure and frustration, before deciding the only option would be to blindly pursue leads around the Citadel in hopes of grasping something that might condemn Saren.

That grasping had led them to Garrus Vakarian, a turian employed by Citadel Security who had unsuccessfully attempted to find evidence against Saren to assist in their hearing. He had been shut out at every turn and had fought until the moment the hearing started to find anything that might help expose Saren, but ultimately had been denied access and cast aside.

Despite the hearing's outcome, he had continued his searching, leading Shepard to find him in a med clinic in the Wards attempting to control a hostage situation – the hostage being the clinic's physician, Dr. Michel. After teaming up with the turian and taking down the men threatening the doctor, they discovered that she had treated a wounded quarian who had claimed to have evidence that could condemn Saren. The men who had attacked her had been agents for a criminal running the local nightclub Chora's Den – the connection was made when Garrus revealed that the man, Fist, had betrayed his former employer, an enigmatic information dealer simply known as the Shadow Broker, to work for Saren. They could only assume that he wanted to keep the quarian from delivering her evidence.

Upon his insistence of being included in their plans to get the evidence and take down Saren – as he had failed to do so on his own – Garrus joined their team and pointed them in the direction of Urdnot Wrex, a volatile krogan mercenary who had been hired by the Shadow Broker to assassinate Fist for betraying him. Not wanting to turn down any form of help, no matter what species or what nature, Shepard found Wrex at C-Sec headquarters and enticed him to join their squad with the promise of helping him take down Fist. He agreed.

The ensuing race against time had them fighting their way through a nightclub heavily defended by mercenary thugs and cornering Fist only to find out that he'd already tricked the quarian into meeting with some of his men. Wrex promptly took care of Fist, and they were forced to make a mad dash for the back alley in the Wards where Fist had revealed his men planned to murder the quarian.

They arrived in the nick of time, bursting into the area guns blazing to take down the assassins before they could even scratch the quarian. She revealed herself as Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, a young woman who had been on her rite of passage, known amongst her people as the Pilgrimage, when she had uncovered evidence of Saren's betrayal. She had narrowly escaped death when Saren had discovered what she knew, and she had hoped to trade the evidence to the Shadow Broker in exchange for a place to hide from Saren's wrath. She had been tricked by Fist, however, and chose to turn over the evidence to Shepard as thanks for saving her life.

Shepard had returned to the human embassy with his new companions in tow – something that clearly almost gave Udina a heart attack, as he'd stepped into his office with a turian, krogan, and quarian following him. Their actions hadn't gone unnoticed, unfortunately, so it took some smoothing of ruffled feathers before Shepard could get Udina to calm down long enough to realize that he had exactly what they needed.

The evidence had turned out to be an audio recording Tali had managed to salvage from the memory cache of a downed geth. Upon questioning how she knew what to do with the data, Tali revealed that her people had been the ones to create the geth. They had begun as simple labor units, but had eventually developed sentience, rebelled against the quarians, and then disappeared beyond the Perseus Veil to live in solitude. Now they were in the public eye again, working for Saren.

The recording had captured a conversation between Saren and an unknown female, speaking about the "victory" on Eden Prime. Even more troubling – the voices made mention of some unknown item referred to as the "Conduit," which was supposedly the key for bringing about the return of something the woman had simply referred to as the "Reapers." Tali went on to explain that the data cache she had extracted from the geth had revealed the so-called Reapers to be some form of sentient machines that the geth revered as gods.

Upon taking the evidence to the Council, they were finally granted what they had come for in the first place. Saren was stripped of his Spectre status and declared a fugitive. It was also revealed that the woman on the recording was an asari Matriarch by the name of Benezia – a trouble realization, as asari Matriarchs were some of the most powerful beings in the galaxy. The Council seemed content with stopping there, however, and Shepard had been forced to step forward and intervene.

He knew that it wouldn't stop there. Simply stripping Saren's Spectre title would only cut off one of his supply lines. But the turian wouldn't simply roll over and stop because he would have to work in secrecy – he already was a solitary figure, working on his own and out of public sight at all times. Nothing would change, and now that they knew that this was a lot bigger than just a turian who hated humans, he couldn't not do something. He had failed to apprehend him on Eden Prime. He had destroyed the beacon – the only thing that might have told them exactly what Saren was after. This was his responsibility.

The Council had made him a Spectre.

The first human Spectre.

If he'd had a chance to be overwhelmed by notion, he would have. But as it stood, they were on the clock, and every second they spent in inaction was a second Saren was using to commit more atrocities. Everything after the hearing was such a blur; he'd been shocked to find out Captain Anderson was being forcibly retired, before finding out that the Normandy was being thrust into his hands, along with its crew and the responsibilities that entailed. He was given a checklist of places to go in hopes of finding a trace of the turian he was tasked with chasing down, before being ushered back onto a ship that he was suddenly and acutely aware was his ship. Not Captain Anderson's. His.

He'd stood at the helm with Joker, watching as he backed the ship out of the docking bay, out into the open air between the Citadel's arms, past the patrolling ships. He'd turned on the intercom, said some words he couldn't really remember. He didn't like speeches but considering what they were about to get themselves into, it wouldn't hurt to be as completely and utterly truthful with his crew as he could. These people were going to be looking directly to him for guidance now. They couldn't go above him, look to Anderson as their mentor – he was all they had. He wasn't sure what to make of that thought. It hadn't completely sunk in yet.

"Set a course for Therum," he told Joker, resting a hand on the back of the pilot chair as he watched the way the light parted around the windshield as the ship picked up speed, heading towards the mass relay near the Citadel.

"Aye aye, Commander."

Shepard paused for a moment longer, before turning and walking away. He'd barely made it out of the cockpit when he nearly bumped into Kaidan, datapad in his hands.

"Commander," he greeted him respectfully, though unable to quite contain the excitement in his voice, "I didn't get the chance to properly congratulate you on your Spectre nomination back there and… Well, I just wanted to let you know that the crew and I are very proud to be a part of your team," he said, thinking that everything that had happened over the last few hours must've been pretty overwhelming for the Commander. Not to mention that he'd caught Shepard's slight uncomfortable look when Anderson had chosen to step aside in order to offer him the full command of his ship.

Chosen to, or more accurately been "strongly encouraged to." It was the right call, of course. If they were to hunt down a rogue Spectre on behalf of the galactic Council, Shepard would need to have access to the very best resources that the Alliance could spare, since apparently the Council wasn't quite ready to pitch in. It bothered him a bit, but he was more concerned about how Shepard was doing right now, and letting him know that the crew understood and respected the Alliance's decision.

Thankfully, the Normandy was their top ship, and they'd already made sure that they had some of the very best crewmembers that the Alliance could provide on board - starting with their pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, more commonly referred to by his crew as "Joker." He could be perceived as quite insufferable and pretty arrogant sometimes, sure, but the fact that he was actually as good as he claimed to be actually kind of made up for it.

Kaidan remembered having felt a bit overwhelmed and very humbled when he'd learned that Captain Anderson, one of their most decorated war heroes, had personally handpicked him to be Commander Shepard's Staff Lieutenant. And now, with the ship being considered Council property first and foremost, and his Spectre authority allowing him to ignore a few rules in order to fulfill their mission, Shepard had been allowed to bring in a few very promising non-human recruits. Including a krogan!

Chief Williams and Navigator Pressly appeared to be a bit wary of the aliens on board, but personally, he was thrilled. There was so much that they could learn from these other races and cultures. Quarians were renowned for their technical skills, and it seemed that Tali was living up to that reputation. Many turians spent a good portion of their lives studying the art of war, and were amazing tacticians – and Garrus was obviously no exception. As for Wrex… The krogan were some of the fiercest and strongest warriors in the galaxy. A lot less subtle in their approach than the turians, sure, but extremely efficient nevertheless. They were, after all, the ones responsible for saving the galaxy from the rachni invasion centuries ago.

He didn't know exactly how to feel about the thought of having to head into battle flanked by two powerful vanguards, though. He could only hope that Chakwas had taken the opportunity to stock up on more analgesics during their stop at the Citadel to deal with his likely to be very soon increasing headaches, and that Wrex was a bit more inclined to watch his own back - not just focus on utterly destroying his targets.

"But how are you doing? I imagine that being the very first human Spectre must be pretty hard for you to wrap your head around right now. Especially considering everything that the position represents… I mean, besides the Council itself, I don't believe that any other role in the galaxy carries as much power and responsibility. That's… pretty amazing, really." Yes, and I'm sure that the Commander really needed to be reminded of that... That really made him sound like some awestruck schoolboy.

Shepard shook his head and gave a tired chuckle, before motioning Kaidan to follow him as he proceeded to walk through the flight deck, heading towards the command center. "I'm fine. A little overwhelmed. I don't think it's fully sunk in how big this is," he admitted, pausing to check one of the monitors lining the walkway that led down the middle of the flight deck. He flicked his fingertip across the screen, causing the screen to scroll aside. "I think once the shock has passed, I can enjoy it a bit more. I've always admired the Spectres – they always do what's right, and they don't have to worry about fighting their way through red tape to catch the bad guys. It's… liberating."

Seemingly satisfied with what he'd been looking at, he turned away from the monitor to face Kaidan again. "This is a one-of-a-kind ship with an amazing crew. And despite the circumstances of Captain Anderson's departure… I'm honored to be in charge of this ship. I'm glad to know that the crew is ready and willing, as well," he said, a slight grin turning up the corner of his lips. "I was a bit worried that inviting our new crew members on board would cause problems, but I'm glad to see they're being welcomed with mostly open arms. Of course there are some concerns, but in the end I think the new crewmates will prove themselves. I have faith in them, otherwise I wouldn't have brought them on board."

He began walking again, heading back towards the CIC and turning to address Kaidan as they walked. "So what do you make of all this, Lieutenant? Think you'll be comfortable serving under a Spectre?"

"I don't believe that either the Council or Captain Anderson would have supported you if you weren't ready to take on that position, sir," he said, instinctively going for a very generic answer. It appeared that getting used to having a superior officer asking for his personal opinion, and actually meaning it, was a bit harder than it looked. He sighed.

"What I mean is… So far, the most personal experience I've had of how Spectres operate have been Saren and Nihlus," he went on to explain. "According to Anderson, it seems that Saren's methods have always been ruthless, as is his habit of treating life and other species with contempt, especially humans. While Nihlus seemed to be more preoccupied with doing the right thing, and being the protector that he was meant to be."

In truth, Kaidan's opinion of Spectres in general was pretty neutral. The Council wasn't perfect; their agents weren't perfect either. But the galaxy itself was far from being a perfect place to live. Trying to govern so many different races and keeping them at peace and working together was a pretty impressive feat. Spectres were meant to keep the galaxy safe, and running as smoothly as possible.

So of course there was bound to be some failures and mistakes along the way. Just because one Spectre went rogue or abused his powers didn't meant that the whole system was wrong, or even corrupt, unlike some agents at C-Sec would like to pretend. Overgeneralization seemed to be a trait that humans shared with many different species, unfortunately.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in the end, 'Spectre' is just another title. That much power can corrupt and change someone, sure... but the potential to either do great or terrible things with that power was there in the very beginning. I mean, I'm pretty sure that Udina was an ass long before the guy ever became an Ambassador," he said with a little knowing smile. Shepard snorted, barely managing to keep from laughing out loud.

"So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm still serving under Commander Shepard. And if that means that we'll be allowed to bend some rules and have access to more resources, including alien allies, in order to get the job done, I am willing to trust in your judgment. After what happened on Eden Prime, the more means we have to apprehend Saren and make sure that he answers for his crimes, the better," Kaidan stated with a determined look.

"I'm glad to hear that, Lieutenant," Shepard replied, an impressed look crossing his face. "You've got a very realistic way of looking at things. That's a good thing to have."

They had paused at the front of the CIC, overcast by the glow of the galaxy map slowly spinning in the center. Shepard turned to Kaidan, leaning against the railing behind him and crossing his arms. "I'd like you to be part of the drop team on Therum. I could use your expertise."

"Of course, Commander. Whatever you need," he answered, glad that he would be given the opportunity to keep an eye on him. Of course, he hoped that they wouldn't encounter too much enemy resistance in their search for Dr. T'Soni, but he still had a tendency to expect the worst. After what they'd seen and learned over the last few hours, they might need to be prepared for virtually anything. And if that was the case, he didn't like the idea of Shepard going out there on his own…

Well, not quite "on his own" considering that the Commander probably didn't make it a habit of going into unknown territory alone. And Kaidan didn't have the pretention of being any better or stronger than his other squad mates just… Just what? More observant? More focused? Whatever it was, the thought of Shepard being in danger seemed to awaken a very protective side of him, and that worried him. Last time he'd felt that way about someone, it hadn't ended well…

But this time, things were different, weren't they? He wasn't trying to win any personal favors from the Commander, and they didn't have an abusive turian general to answer to. No… He was only worrying because he'd witnessed Shepard's reckless attitude earlier; and, as a fellow soldier and squad mate, he wanted to make sure that he stayed safe. Yes, that made perfect sense. That little tightening in his gut whenever he thought about the Commander getting hurt, or worse, was perfectly normal, rational, and professional… Nothing to concern himself with.

"Uh... Is there anything else, sir?" he asked, clearing his throat a bit, having just realized that he'd been staring at Shepard without saying anything for a few moments there, lost in thought.

One of Shepard's eyebrows arched upwards – he was used to funny looks and staring from his crew, sure, but he couldn't get a read on Kaidan and that bothered him. He could usually pinpoint the reason why fellow marines were overly concerned with staring at him. Most of the time it was a "book by its cover" issue – they had all heard the stories about Mindoir and Akuze and the N7 program, and more than once he'd had someone outright tell him he didn't look anything like they'd imagined. No one ever wanted to elaborate on the specifics when asked why, but he had a vague idea that most of them had painted a mental image of a massive, muscle-bound action movie star crisscrossed with distinguishing scars and tattoos.

He'd heard the whispered "That's Commander Shepard?" far too many times to count. He was short, a little on the small side – not by a whole lot, though, just enough that standing next to a muscled marine gave the illusion that he was too skinny to hold a shotgun – and more than once he'd been outright called "baby-faced." He wasn't sure if it was meant to be an insult but he couldn't argue – he could barely grow facial hair as it was. The only "distinguishing" feature he had was his eyes – pale gray, so pale that they looked white under just the right lighting – but all that did for him was make it easier to glare down a stuck-up marine who hadn't realized exactly who he was yet. And then of course they would run off with their tail between their legs, bumbling apologies about how they hadn't realized he was a superior officer. If it weren't so commonplace he might be inclined to find it funny.

No, that wasn't why Kaidan kept giving him those odd looks. When they'd first met and shook hands before the Normandy's first departure, yeah, he'd seen the look of surprise flash across his face when he'd realized he was standing face to face with Commander Shepard. But he'd gotten past it fairly quickly – much faster than most of the crew – and now Shepard couldn't pinpoint what his concern was. It was frustrating, to say the least. His only option was to be blunt about it.

"Concerns, Lieutenant? I'm getting the distinct impression there's something bothering you."

"I was… uh…" …feeling oddly protective of you in a completely professional way and actively worrying about your safety, considering that I believe you just might have a tendency to go insane in a fight, sir. "Wondering what kind of resistance we could expect to find on Therum, sir. Hopefully, we'll be able to make it to Dr. T'Soni before Saren and his geth," Kaidan lied, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck a little, embarrassed to have been caught staring.

"Sorry if I appeared to space out for a moment there… Flare-ups, you know. Makes it harder to concentrate," he added, shrugging a little, and hoping that the Commander would buy it.

Shepard stared at him for a long moment, as though trying to discern the hidden meaning behind what he had just said. He couldn't come up with anything, however, and chose instead to concede with a slight shrug. "Then do me a favor and make sure you check with Dr. Chakwas before we make the drop," he said, before finally pushing off of the CIC railing and uncrossing his arms. "If you'll excuse me, I need to check with Garrus and see if the Mako is ready for action."

With a nod to the lieutenant, Shepard turned and walked away, heading for the lift.

Kaidan watched the Commander walk away, feeling like he'd just dodged a bullet. From the way he'd been looking back at him, he'd almost expected Shepard to accuse him of hiding something, and proceed with a whole interrogation. Incidentally, he decided that it would probably be better to go see Dr. Chakwas to receive an all clear, just in case Shepard would decide to verify if he'd followed his recommendation.

Perhaps he would take the opportunity to ask her to mention to Shepard that after having dealt with the side effects of an L2 implant for the last sixteen years, he had a pretty solid understanding of his personal limits and symptoms, and was responsible enough to seek medical evaluation and treatment on his own if need be.

He could understand Shepard's concern, and even appreciate it, and he was pretty sure that he meant well. But he didn't want him to start thinking that his health problems would become a burden on the crew. In a decade of military service, he couldn't recall a single time where it had directly interfered with his ability to perform his duty, especially when he was out on a mission.

Generally speaking, as long as the pressure was on and he was required to focus on their objectives and/or use his biotics in a fight, he was perfectly fine, and there for his team at one hundred percent.

It was the recovery period after a good adrenaline rush that was a bit trickier, and he had to carefully plan his downtime to allow himself enough quiet time in order to effectively recuperate. So far, he'd been perfectly able to manage it.

Of course he could explain all of it to Shepard himself, but he supposed that it wouldn't hurt if he heard it from a medical professional first, to show that he wasn't simply overestimating his abilities. After all, they barely knew each other, and still needed some time to adjust and build trust.

Meanwhile, if he hurried, he'd probably have time to check with Dr. Chakwas, and then send a quick message to his parents on the extranet before getting ready for the drop. His father still had ties with the Alliance, and he was also under the impression that humanity welcoming their very first human Spectre was already all over the news.

He couldn't tell them anything about their current mission, obviously, but he could at least confirm that he was still serving on the Normandy, and still part of Commander Shepard's crew despite the fact that they were now answering directly to the Council. Otherwise, his mom would probably keep nagging her husband to get him to use his connections to try to find out where he was and how he was doing. Might as well save them both the trouble.

One thing was for sure – life on the Normandy was likely to become far more interesting…