Worth Living For,
Act I
by Elianda (a.k.a. Cygnonymous & TheLostGirl21)
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
SUMMARY: After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.
WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.
Chapter 3
Well, at least the mission on Therum had gone much better than Eden Prime, Kaidan had to admit. Despite the heavy resistance they'd met from the geth, they'd managed to locate Dr. T'Soni and bring her on board the Normandy safely.
The Mako had also proven useful and very effective against the attacking synthetics. It was equipped with a large mass accelerator cannon that, as Garrus put it, "packed one hell of a punch," as well as a more regular mounted machine gun. Shepard, however, simply preferred to run over any geth that were unfortunate enough to get in his way. Crude, but effective. Thankfully, the shields and armor on the vehicle were very impressive as well. Colliding with a geth armature at top speed was little more than a speed bump on the way to their destination. Garrus did complain that the oil stains would take forever to clean up, though.
He couldn't say that being a passenger in the Mako had been an especially pleasant ride… Once it had been decided that Shepard would do the driving and Garrus would operate the guns (that he'd apparently spent all morning calibrating,) all that had been left for him to do was to find some point far on the horizon to focus on in order to keep from getting sick. But, at least, the more time spent in the Mako killing geth meant less time spent directly facing them on the battlefield.
And, the less time they spent directly facing them on the battlefield, the less opportunity Shepard had to get himself killed. He felt a little silly for thinking that way, but until he found an occasion to bring up the subject with the Commander in a way that would make more sense than "I've got a bad feeling about the way that you fight, sir," he would just have to learn to live with the discomfort.
As for Dr. T'Soni, once on board, she had immediately offered her assistance. It turned out that she wasn't only a prothean expert as well as Matriarch Benezia's daughter – she was a very skilled and powerful biotic as well.
She could provide them with valuable insight on prothean technology, hold her own in a fight, and even be able to help them stop Benezia – perhaps even convince her to surrender peacefully, or reconsider her alliance with Saren. At least, they could always hope. If there was a way for them to be able to stop Dr. T'Soni's mother without being forced to kill her, he believed that it would most definitely be worth a try. They only had to hope that Benezia still cared enough for her daughter not to outright attack them.
Liara, as she'd insisted that they call her, was actually a very sweet girl, if perhaps a little shy. Though he could imagine how finding herself alone on an alien ship mostly filled with humans might make her feel a little nervous and socially awkward.
She was fairly young by asari standards, "only 106" as she'd told them during the post-mission debrief, and had spent most of her life among her own people on Thessia or studying and exploring prothean history and ruins. She'd also spent some time with the turians while visiting Palaven when she was younger, but human customs and military protocols weren't something that she was familiar with. She'd been so relieved when Kaidan had offered to answer any question that she may have regarding his species and life on the Normandy, and to come see him if she ever needed some more information or help with the ship's systems.
She'd also been very interested in the fact that he and Commander Shepard were biotics, too. Since biotic training was part of every asari's early education, all of her people being naturally gifted with it, she'd asked if he'd like to train with her once in a while, as asari sometimes would. Since she'd appeared to find the thought comforting, he'd accepted her offer.
Kaidan had never had any siblings, but he couldn't help but feel like he wanted to adopt Liara as a little sister. Which was pretty ironic considering that she was at the very least three times his age. There was a certain aura of innocence and constant wonderment about her that made her appear so much younger than she actually was.
When she wasn't questioning him about human culture and military protocols, the majority of her questions revolved around Commander Shepard. Nearly everything about him seemed to greatly fascinate her. Maybe it was hero worship, or simple idolization of someone whose reputation preceded him. Not that it was all that surprising; there was something oddly compelling about the Commander. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, he couldn't say.
Kaidan had agreed to tell her what was already public knowledge, but had suggested that she speak directly to the Commander if she really wanted to know more, as it wasn't his place to reveal that information. He could've sworn that his suggestion had made her blush, as though the notion of approaching Shepard with her curiosity was embarrassing. But her answer when he'd asked her why she was asking him for more information on Shepard, considering that much of what he knew about him could be found on the extranet or the ship's database was what had surprised him the most.
Apparently, Liara had been under the impression that Shepard and he had known each other for years. The way that they'd been interacting together during the mission and afterwards in the briefing room had led her to believe that there was a very strong level of collusion between them… One that she would normally find with a dear and close friend, at the very least.
She'd been shocked when he had admitted that he'd only recently been transferred to his command, and that this was their second off world mission together. However, that information had only seemed to strengthen her personal interest in the Commander. Kaidan had to wonder if Liara wasn't starting to develop some kind of crush on Shepard that went a little bit beyond mere scientific interest, and had been concerned that Kaidan would be competition… It occurred to him that asari commandos probably didn't share the same rules that the human military did regarding fraternization.
But Liara wasn't military. So technically, if the attraction were mutual – provided that he was reading her right, of course – nothing would prevent Shepard from initiating a relationship with her.
The thought of Shepard being in an intimate relationship with someone on board the Normandy bothered him a little, though, but he couldn't exactly pinpoint why. Perhaps he was afraid that it would end up distracting him from their mission's objectives. Or that it would mean that the Commander would have less time to spend with other members of the crew during downtime…
He had to admit that he was starting to enjoy the time that they spent talking together. But if Shepard were indeed interested in Dr. T'Soni, then he'd try not to take up too much of his free time to allow them to spend it more together. If anything, the Commander deserved to be happy, to find some comfort with someone in these difficult and troubling times. To be given the chance to share such an intimate connection. He might even let it slide that Liara might find him interesting during one of their next conversations…
He was so absorbed in his thoughts and the work that he was trying to finish on one of the Normandy's control panels, reviewing their weapons system, that he completely missed Shepard approaching him.
In fact, he didn't even realize Shepard was there until the man was standing right next to him, looking over his shoulder at the panel he was working on. So it was incredibly embarrassing when he visibly jumped with shock when Shepard finally spoke. "Need help with that, Lieutenant?"
Shepard barely managed to keep from laughing when he saw Kaidan jump in surprise – he had very obviously been pretty deeply immersed in thoughts when Shepard had approached, and judging by the way his hands had stalled on the panel in front of him, he most likely was not thinking about his work.
Once he'd recovered from his shock, Kaidan couldn't help but let out a little self-deprecating laugh. "Do you often make a habit of sneaking up on people like that, Commander?" he asked, his tone more amused than reproaching, though. Then he remembered that Shepard's training was largely based upon his ability to appear out of thin air and attack before people even had the chance to realize he was there.
"Actually, scratch that. That was a stupid question," he said, still smiling, before looking back at the panel that he'd been working on. "No, I'm good. I should have the last few adjustments figured out in no time. But thanks for the offer." He doubted that Shepard had come all the way here to help him with his work, though.
"Is there anything you need, sir?" he asked, growing a bit more serious and straightening up a little, trying to adopt a more "official" stance.
"Just checking in with my officers, getting a sense of where everyone is at. Any thoughts about the mission so far?" Shepard asked, looking down at the control panel Kaidan had been working on. He had zilch technological expertise as it was – he was lucky he could run a basic omnitool without breaking it – so as far as he could tell it was just a screen with a bunch of flashing buttons and symbols on it. In retrospect if Kaidan had asked for his assistance, there probably wasn't much he could do beyond offering him moral support.
Kaidan frowned a bit. To tell the truth, he did have at least one concern that he'd like to share with him to see if he was the only one bothered by it, but he didn't quite know if it was appropriate... At least, not if Shepard was asking about the information that he later planned to put in his report.
"Is this an official evaluation, Commander? Or off the record?" he asked, waiting for Shepard's permission before going ahead with his line of thoughts. If not, he'd just have to give him a more tactical analysis.
Shepard couldn't keep from smiling in amusement – he'd done his best to make his crew feel comfortable around him enough to speak as openly as possible, but Kaidan was proving a tough shell to crack. He couldn't blame him, though; a lot of soldiers were scared to even consider speaking their minds in front of their superiors. What was billed as "off the record" would often result in write-ups and uncomfortable meetings. Regardless, Shepard valued all of his crewmembers' opinions, no matter how unpopular or "insubordinate" more strict superiors might view them. "Alenko, when it's just you and me, you can consider it off the record."
Kaidan smiled back at him. "That's a generous attitude," he commented, letting him know that he sincerely appreciated his openness. He took a deep breath, pausing long enough to gather what he wanted to say before he could begin. "Okay, I think there's something wrong with all this," he stated, a hint of frustration in his voice. "This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council?"
Okay, yes, they did appoint Shepard as the first human Spectre and gave him pretty much all the freedom he needed to get the job done. Granted. But God! If Saren was as dangerous, resourceful, and ambitious as he appeared to be, shouldn't they be the least bit worried? Especially given the focus of his search.
He'd built himself an army of geth and had a powerful asari Matriarch working for him, for Christ's sake! And all that the Council did was send a single Spectre after him, while asking him to provide his own ship and crew. Either they thought that Shepard was the best Spectre candidate that they'd ever met and looked like he could take on the whole galaxy on his own – okay, so maybe sometimes he did look that way – or their preferred way of dealing with such a crisis was to bury their heads in the sand, hoping that the danger would pass. Either way, aside from providing them with a boost to Shepard's and the Normandy's crew egos, that didn't help much.
"Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but somebody isn't reading it."
Shepard shook his head with a sigh – Kaidan was most definitely not in the minority regarding that opinion. The only difference was that he was one of the only ones willing to say it out loud – something Shepard had to admire.
Though, as much as he hated to admit it, the Council's reaction to Saren's threat wasn't a big surprise. The story so far was incredibly unbelievable, and they had hardly any physical evidence as it was. He couldn't even bring up his vision from the beacon without it being thrown around that he'd just had a traumatizing hallucination. But considering the fact that he could hardly sleep without seeing those bloodstained images burned directly into his brain, he was more inclined to disagree. Not that he slept much as it was.
And as frustrating as the situation was, he couldn't fault for the Council for trying to stick to the hard facts. Asking the most powerful galactic leaders to enter into a full scale war based on a gut feeling that was only supported by demonic visions that only one man seemed to be having was asking for more than a lot.
"The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong," he said, crossing his arms and shaking his head again. "I'd call it human nature, but…" He trailed off, not quite sure if he should finish that thought. From what he'd seen of Citadel politics, every race had its fair share of ambitious assholes with too much power. It had reached the point that it didn't surprise him anymore.
Kaidan nodded. "I hear you." He'd been around alien species long enough to know that they shared many psychological traits with humans - one of them being the strong desire to believe that they were the masters of their own personal universe. The discovery of the mass relays had proven humanity wrong, however.
It wasn't that humans were weaker than the other races; they were just a bit less experienced in dealing with galactic issues, and less technologically advanced than some species. That meant that they inevitably had to rely on the Council races a bit more in order to catch up – at least, in the beginning. They were the newcomers that still needed to demonstrate what contribution they could bring to the other species, and show that they were a valuable addition to the galactic community.
"It just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming." Though maybe that was the problem right there. The Council had been in power for so long, successfully managing to keep the peace and solve past wars and conflicts, that this one was probably no different to them. They'd seen the Rachni Wars, the Krogan Rebellions… even the First Contact War between the humans and the turians. Each and every single time they'd found a solution, and they had prevailed. They were, after all, the very pinnacles of galactic power. Who would be stupid enough to dare challenge them?
But the protheans were once all powerful too, weren't they? And that didn't stop them from going extinct. So if Saren was digging right into that history, shouldn't it send a few warning bells ringing, at the very least? He guessed that the Council really had complete faith in their ability to remain in control of the galaxy, no matter what. Human nature indeed…
"It's funny. We finally get out there, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem to be impressed with the view. Or the dangers."
Shepard couldn't keep from chuckling under his breath – he'd met a few soldiers with that point of view over the past few years serving on different Alliance vessels. Romanticism at its finest. Humanity had spent so long truly believing that they were the center of the universe, only to undergo a major upheaval when they finally travelled beyond the Sol System and ran smack into another species that had been there far longer. The matter was only complicated when they realized that in comparison, humans were small fish in what turned out not to be a pond, but an ocean. Their first contact with the turians was about the equivalent of a minnow head-butting a shark. Once the screams for war and conquest had been stifled, it was just… confusing. Trying to learn about these people they had shared the universe with for ages and accept the fact that they had been there all along and would continue to be there, no matter what humanity thought about themselves and their importance – it was a difficult process, one that they were still working through to that day.
"Well well. You're a romantic," Shepard said with an amused smile. "Did you sign on for 'the dream,' Alenko? 'Secure man's future in space?'" he asked, emphasizing with his best "official" voice – not unlike the narration on those commercial vids he'd seen on the extranet that used glowing words and beautiful photos of space to recruit men and women into the Alliance. He remembered seeing those when he was a child and wondering if soldiers were out there just to stare at pretty stars and meet exotic aliens. Of course once he joined up those ads became nothing more than a stupid memory.
Kaidan chuckled a bit. No one except his parents had ever called him that. And probably not since he was a pre-teen. Even then, he was still seen by his classmates as the geeky kid with his nose buried in adventure novels and scientific and technological literature.
"Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid, where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of someone he loves. Or, you know. For justice," he conceded with a little shrug. It was kind of embarrassing to admit, but those stories were probably one of the main reasons why he'd initially been so excited about going to train on Jump Zero. The fact that reality didn't always measure up to fiction was, however, a lesson that he'd soon learned the hard way.
"Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning," he admitted, growing a bit more somber, "but I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry. Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training," he specified, not knowing if Shepard would have heard about the old program. Especially considering that it had been mostly kept a secret back then, and that what was left of it in the Alliance's records was now heavily classified.
"I'm not looking for 'the dream,'" he stated. "I just want to do some good. See what's out here."
Kaidan wasn't quite ready to admit it aloud, but despite everything, the fact that he'd lost much of his innocence back then, he'd always refused to let whatever had happened in his past completely break him. He'd always loved space and had a very curious personality. Anything that he didn't fully know or comprehend greatly fascinated him, and he enjoyed learning; not to mention, helping the world advance in any way that he could.
He guessed that he simply had much more realistic expectations about it now. "Sorry if I got too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus back at BAaT".
"Lieutenant, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't care if you're informal?" Shepard replied, shaking his head in exasperation – he wasn't annoyed, however, as he was still smiling. "I'd rather hear what you think, not an official response about what you think I want to hear. I promise I won't throw you in the brig for speaking your mind."
He leaned against the railing separating Kaidan's work area from the rest of the crew deck, crossing his arms. "Why don't you tell me about BAaT? I've heard the name a few times but I still don't know anything about it."
Kaidan hesitated for a moment. The last time he'd shared anything about his experiences back at "Brain Camp" with someone else was years ago. And it had been with a psychologist – something his parents had insisted upon when the Alliance had offered. After they'd discovered what had really happened at Jump Zero and learned about the abuses to which some of the kids had been subjected, including the few casualties, the Alliance had stepped in to make sure that the victims would receive the care they needed. It was the least they could do after the mistakes that had been made.
Sadly, a few of those kids never fully recovered despite the help offered to them. Some of them took their own lives – especially those that were suffering from the unbearable complications of their L2 implants.
Kaidan remembered having considered it.
But the thought of putting his parents through that kind of pain had quickly stopped him, and he chose instead to accept the help that was being offered. He didn't want to take the easy way out, stifling those memories permanently like so many of his friends had without a second thought for how it might affect the people who truly cared about them. He'd soon learned that his best revenge had been to survive, and grow stronger.
It had taken him five years to overcome the guilt and to fully figure out where he stood in all of this. To get a better sense of who he was, and what he really wanted to do with his life… In the end, he'd decided that since his biotics were always going to be a part of him, the best thing he could do was to make sure that they wouldn't become a lifelong curse. So he'd found an old vacant warehouse near his home, and had continued his training – learning more advanced techniques from vids of asari commandos he'd found on the extranet, or just experimenting with it.
Once he'd felt comfortable enough with his abilities, he'd contacted the recruitment services of the Alliance. And since then, he'd left the past far behind, and had never looked back.
So he was surprised, to say the least, to realize that he actually yearned to share some of it with Shepard. There was something about the other man that not only made him feel like he could be trusted and like he truly wanted to have the opportunity to get to know him better… But like he wanted Shepard to get to know who he truly was, too. So he guessed that sharing about each other's past history was an important part of that.
"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was 'Brain Camp,'" he began explaining, before pausing when he realized how his wording could be misconstrued. "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.'"
That was the "official" version, of course. That is, until the company decided that it would be more profitable to try to turn them all into biotic superheroes to show the full potential of their implants.
"There are worse results of 'accidental' exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."
Shepard watched Kaidan as he spoke – he was as discreet about it as he possibly could be considering the fact that they were facing one another, but he couldn't help but try to read his body language. After all, he couldn't be sure if he was treading into dangerous territory concerning Kaidan's past experiences. If it became clear that his Lieutenant was becoming uncomfortable, he'd need to backpedal immediately. Despite his curiosity, even he knew better than to push his crew for personal information that they didn't want to share. There were a lot of things that just weren't his business.
He had to admit that Kaidan had piqued his curiosity even before he'd met him during the debriefings at Arcturus Station. Being the Executive Officer of the Normandy had given Shepard the privilege of having access to the entire crew's dossiers – although it was sort of a double-edged sword, as his dossier was available to many of them as well. And despite the obvious censorship when being accessed by the lower ranks, there was enough information about him on the extranet to fill in the blanks. More than he was comfortable with, admittedly.
Kaidan, on the other hand, had enough "File Classified" warnings in his dossier to rival a top-ranking Admiral with a closet full of skeletons. Despite the fact that he was a superior, even Shepard couldn't access a good portion of his file. And as foolish as he felt admitting it, he was curious.
Of course, he'd never come right out and admit that to the Lieutenant's face. He wasn't sure just how personal some of that information was. So, he'd just have to remind himself that his crewmembers would share what they deemed appropriate when they were comfortable. Kaidan would not be an exception.
But, as long as they were already on the subject… He figured it wouldn't hurt to find out a little more about Kaidan's origins. His dossier had been obvious and simple, labeling him as an L2 biotic with no embellishments. The most Shepard could glean from the numbers was that judging by his age, he had been a part of the first generation. Which made his emphasis on the word "accidental" a bit odd, he realized.
"Is there some question about how you were exposed?" he asked, genuinely concerned for a moment. He knew the rumors – after the first generation of human biotics had started to run dry, drive core failures very suddenly and conveniently began occurring over populated colonies and spaceports. It was obvious in hindsight, but the incidents went blame-free and no hard proof was ever found. And considering how eezo exposure was far more likely to produce malignant tumors than biotic abilities, someone out there had a lot of blood on their hands that they never answered for.
Kaidan shook his head. "My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins."
He remembered his parents telling him that they'd been more than just a little freaked out when their son had started moving small objects around the house with his mind when he was about five. The mass relays had been discovered and space colonization had just begun back then, but humanity had yet to meet with another sentient alien race. They didn't even know what biotics were, or what they could do.
Thankfully, his father's first reaction had been to contact the Alliance to try to see if there were other reported cases of the same occurrence. He'd eventually learned that there was a link between element zero exposures and the strange abilities that some children were developing. The Alliance had told his parents to keep a close eye on their son and to come see one of their doctors every three months in order to monitor any other changes in his condition, and to make sure that the situation wasn't endangering his health.
In retrospect, he'd been lucky. He'd learned that some parents had been so afraid that they'd abandoned their children, or in some extreme cases tried to kill them, thinking that they were possessed or dangerous. But without implants, human biotic abilities were actually very limited and didn't represent much danger to anyone. Of course, no one knew that back then.
"It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals," he explained, confirming Shepard's thoughts. "Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero."
In retrospect, his recruitment had actually gone much better than most. Since he'd always been curious about space travel, and his parents had wanted to respect their son's decision, Conatix hadn't felt the need to resort to some of their dirtier recruitment techniques. From what a few of the other kids had told him, some of their parents had been convinced from the company's officials that without proper training, their children would inevitably become a danger to themselves and to the general population. And considering how biotic potential was a complete unknown at that point, they would believe anything that was told to them in the name of "protecting" their children.
It was abundantly clear that Kaidan had a better grasp on the subject than Shepard did – which wasn't a huge surprise, considering how different their experiences seemed to be. Kaidan was a first-gen L2; Shepard was a latent L3. His powers had come as a complete surprise – most human biotics were capable of utilizing their abilities from an incredibly young age. Shepard's powers had decided to hide in a dark corner somewhere until psychological trauma had dragged them out kicking and screaming, when he was already seventeen and too old to undergo basic training. Not that it would have done him much good. His powers were far too raw and unstable for the basics – forget being able to push a glass across a tabletop. The last time he'd tried that, he'd had to pick glass shards out of the wall.
Kaidan had dealt with the system far longer than he had. He'd seen the patterns. Heard all the rumors. He'd witnessed firsthand things that Shepard had only learned about in hindsight. So he'd know more than just rumors; maybe he knew more than he was letting on.
"You know of any intentional exposures for certain?"
Kaidan sighed. "No one 'knows.' Doesn't mean they didn't happen." As much as he usually tried to stay clear of conspiracy theories and alarmists, in this particular situation, he found it a bit harder not to connect the dots and see the vague outline of a bigger picture. Besides, he knew perfectly well that Conatix didn't have many qualms about putting a few humans' lives at risk for the sake technological advancement. And without new biotic potentials to work with, there wouldn't be much use for further implant use and development.
"As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals. It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold."
Of course, there were no records out there that could officially link the company to the increase of starship drive failures that had suddenly started to just "happen" over largely populated areas. So it wasn't as if he could just accuse the company of having been responsible for it. Still…
"I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene."
Shepard took that as confirmation that Kaidan had about as much knowledge on the subject as he did – they were up to their ears in theories and rumors, but never any hard proof. It was all circumstantial, and as obvious as it looked from the right angle, "circumstantial evidence" rarely ever carried a conviction these days. And definitely not with a major corporation that ran as deep as Conatix did.
There was little where else to go with that line of thought, however. They could argue conspiracy theories all day but it didn't change the fact that bad people had done bad things for the sake of profit and a lot of innocent people had suffered for it.
Shepard hated to leave it at that. He felt cold and callous for even considering it. Lots of kids died from overexposure to eezo, victims of horrific cancer and life-threatening deformities. And if they didn't die, and instead developed biotic abilities, they were turned into outcasts and scooped up by a corporation that only wanted them for the profit they generated. And if Shepard could have done something about it, he would have. But as it stood, he was little more than a child when the "accidents" began to happen. It was over two decades before he even realized just how steep the cost was for humanity to understand biotics. And by then it was too late; the damage had already been done.
The more he thought about it, the more it made his gut twist. Besides, he wasn't here to discuss biotic conspiracy theories with his Lieutenant. He was here to learn more about him, not what he knew about a splintered corporation.
"There were other kids in the same boat, right? At least you weren't alone out there."
After all, if the numbers in Kaidan's file were to be believed, he'd been dealing with the repercussions of learning how to use his biotics throughout most of his childhood. Regardless of what BAaT was like, at least he had people to lean on. People who knew exactly what he was going through.
It was hard not to be envious. Shepard hadn't had that. His powers had been late in their development, and by then, no one was talking about BAaT anymore. The Ascension Project hadn't even been established yet. He didn't have anywhere he could go, or anyone who was in the same situation. His first memory of using his powers was waking up in an Alliance trauma unit and throwing a medical officer through a partition with a ridiculously powerful biotic throw. He'd broken half of the man's ribs. It wasn't some exciting memory of a five year old realizing he'd just made one of his toys float – it was a sick, horrifying moment of confusion and terror. How did I do that?
"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out," he admitted. Having had other kids out there with him had helped, to some extent. There were also those of them that had quickly ended up resenting him for having managed to antagonize their teacher, Vyrnnus, from the get go, but Shepard didn't really need to know about that.
Kaidan had always felt very comfortable with authority figures and with following orders or instructions, as long as they made sense to him. So naturally, he wasn't exactly the type of kid to take their teacher's abuses lying down. He wasn't trying to provoke or disrespect Vyrnnus, either. Just trying his best to stay true to himself and avoid showing signs of weakness in front of a person that he considered to be nothing more than a bully.
As a result, the turian had developed the tendency to single him out during training sessions and push him harder than most. Most of the time, however, Kaidan had managed to meet his near impossible demands, which had only served to anger their teacher further – and the rest of his class often felt like they'd ended up paying for it.
Since they all feared Vyrnnus and saw him as untouchable, the other kids weren't exactly able to express their own anger, fear, and frustrations towards their tormentor. Instead, it became easier to blame him. It had been a very strange and confusing time… Show that he wasn't willing to let people like Vyrnnus get to him, and he either came out as some kind of hero and protector, or a nuisance and troublemaker. When in truth, he was probably just as scared and lost as everyone else, and simply looking for ways to cope with the situation and survive.
"We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks." And to prevent the possibility of any of us trying to warn our friends or family of what was really happening…
Shepard had to arch an eyebrow at that. Several teenagers stuck together on a research platform with no extranet? And they "didn't have much to do." He almost wanted to laugh, but he managed to keep a straight face.
"You were all teenagers. I'm sure you found other ways to 'occupy the time.'"
"I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander," Kaidan replied, forgetting for a moment who he was addressing himself to. Shepard had a way of making him feel comfortable enough to delve into more personal matters without even noticing that he was doing it. "Not lightly, anyway," he clarified, not wanting to make it sound like he was completely asexual either. He just wasn't the type to choose intimate partners as a way to simply occupy the time.
"There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. Rahna." Even after all this time, it was hard for him to say her name without reliving a few memories. Some pleasant, others more painful. But he tried to push the most difficult ones aside to focus on the good times. "She was from Turkey. Her family was really rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it," he said, describing her as best as he could remember. "I think you'd have liked her." Well, that was an easy guess considering that pretty much everyone back at BAaT was crazy about her.
Shepard almost answered that with an automatic response, but thought better of it, his expression faltering for a moment. He was honestly surprised that Kaidan was willing to be so open with him on this sort of subject matter – he may have been difficult to crack at first, but once he got him going, he was proving to be incredibly insightful and deeply personal. He wanted to have every crewmember under his command comfortable enough to speak their minds, but on the other hand, he found himself intrigued by where these people had come from and the things that they had been through. Maybe it was empathy; maybe he was just curious. He didn't usually make it a habit to pry too deeply into his crew's personal lives, but Kaidan was giving him this sense that he needed to know more about him. Maybe it was just curiosity after seeing the red tape in his dossier. Or maybe there was just something magnetic about this man, something that drew him towards him. It almost felt like this had progressed beyond mere curiosity.
He wasn't sure how to feel about that.
"Sounds like she was special to you."
"She was," Kaidan admitted, a sad, pensive look crossing his features. For a long time, she'd been his best friend, his confidante. The only thing that had made life on Jump Zero bearable, somehow – even exciting at times. They'd meet for lunch or hang out after their lessons, and everything else in Kaidan's world would vanish. Every problem, melt away…
It occurred to him that Shepard reminded him of her, in some ways. Not physically, of course. Despite his boyish good looks, the Commander was far from being effeminate. Though even there, he seemed to be completely oblivious to his own charms. He'd totally missed the almost disappointed look that Sha'ira had sent his way when Shepard had accepted her "gift of words" without further ado. For a moment, he'd almost expected the asari consort to try to book another appointment with him instead.
Like Rahna, Shepard was highly charismatic and seemed to naturally draw people to him. And he had the same aura of kindness and humility… Though perhaps with a more dangerous edge that let someone know that if they were completely wasting his time, or trying to take advantage of someone else and/or abusing their power, the claws would come out.
"Maybe she felt the same, but…" he paused, having often wondered what would have happened if things had gone differently. If he'd ever been special to her at all, or… just one of her admirers. He knew that he was being unkind, but the thought had crossed his mind on occasion. Kaidan had been one of the strongest biotics back at BAaT, and one of the very few that could hold his own against their instructor. What if she'd only been interested in him for protection? It was silly, he knew, but after how fast she'd dismissed their friendship after the "accident," it was hard for him not to let his self-doubts resurface.
"Things never fell together. Training. You know," he said, not really wanting to explain the true reason why they'd entirely stopped seeing each other, somewhat afraid of what Shepard would think of him then. He'd probably already said too much as he was sure that the Commander had much better things to do than listen to his complaints.
Shepard was hit with the sense that it was time for a subject change – the sudden shift in Kaidan's body language, the way his expression had suddenly faltered spoke volumes about the nature of their current discussion. This was clearly something he wasn't entirely comfortable talking about. A small part of him wanted to find out more about Kaidan's relationship with this girl, but the rest of him knew it was time to back up.
"Jump Zero is a long way from home," Shepard said, expression sympathetic. Kaidan was an Earth kid, and his first trip off planet was to a research facility out on the edge of the Solar System. He couldn't imagine how homesick he must have felt. "What was it like?"
"The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids," he replied, remembering his own disappointment when he'd discovered that the place didn't have much to offer unless you were a scientist. Their test subjects, officially known as "biotic potentials," only had access to the basic living facilities, teaching and training grounds. The rest of the place was pretty much closed to them. "Gagarin station was just a sterile research platform when I was there." And considering that it wasn't a place that he'd been all that eager to return to visit since then, there wasn't much more he really could tell Shepard about it, besides what was already common knowledge.
"But that's my own baggage, Commander. No bearing on this." The last thing he needed was for Shepard to believe that his past issues might start interfering with their mission, or that it was going to cause any problems.
Shepard shook his head, unable to keep from chuckling under his breath. There he goes again. "Alenko, there's no regulation that says you can't be friends with your Commander," he said, offering him a sincere smile. The last thing he wanted was for his crew to think he was trying to trap them into telling him something sensitive that might affect how he would treat them on subsequent missions. No, he knew how to keep personal business separate from the battlefield. He'd found that a certain amount of camaraderie was a positive thing. He'd tried to lead teams with the bare minimum amount of comfort amongst the members, allowing his men to hold an image of him being an unapproachable hard-ass. And, maybe he was in the beginning. But he'd learned quickly that without at least some level of personal connection amongst his crew, they were hardly a team.
Kaidan was taken aback by Shepard's comment, though not negatively, just… He was surprised that the Commander seemed to find him interesting enough to suggest becoming friends. He soon realized that he'd really like that, though.
"I appreciate that, Commander," he replied genuinely, offering him a shy smile. "I just don't want you to think that I'm a… a whiner," he added, shifting a bit and avoiding his gaze for a moment. Yeah, as far as first impressions went, he could probably have done better… He quickly managed to pull himself together and overcome his discomfort, though. "Besides, I've got my past squared away," he said, putting as much conviction as he could in his voice. Still, he couldn't help but wonder which of them he was trying to convince.
"What about you?" he asked, eager to shift the focus back on something else, and also curious to learn more about Shepard's own experience. Personally, he was much more interested in the man than the larger than life hero that the press was trying to make him be. "I don't want to ask anything that might make you feel uncomfortable, but… Dr. Chakwas was telling me that you'd had to rely mostly on yourself to learn how to use your biotics. I can't imagine it having been easy…"
"It… it wasn't," Shepard admitted, faltering for a moment. He'd never really spoken to anyone about how he'd dealt with his biotics. A small part of him wanted to tell Kaidan about it, though. Maybe because Kaidan was the first biotic he'd had extended contact with. Or maybe he was just comfortable with him enough to speak about it.
"They said I was a 'latent' biotic. I had developed the nodules and everything, I just… hadn't 'activated,' I guess," Shepard explained, looking down at his arms crossed across his chest as he spoke. "I didn't get my implant until I was seventeen. Otherwise you might have seen me at BAaT."
He shrugged a bit, before looking up again and giving Kaidan a slight smile. "I spent the better part of a year trying to teach myself how to control my biotics without breaking something. Or, you know, someone." He paused, before giving a humorless laugh. "The very first time… I used a biotic throw on an Alliance nurse. It was an accident, of course, but... I don't know where that guy is anymore. But he's probably still terrified of me."
"Yeah, I get that…" Kaidan replied sadly, before going into a slight panic mode when he realized how his words could easily have been taken the wrong way. "I don't mean about that nurse being terrified of you!" he quickly clarified, not wanting Shepard to think that there was anything wrong or scary about him. "You don't make me feel like I've got any reason to fear you, Shepard… Uh, Sir." Yes, keep freaking out like that and I'm sure that the Commander will believe you…
Kaidan took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose while closing his eyes, forcing his thoughts to slow down and willing his mind to make some actual sense. "What I meant to say is that I know what it's like to be feared for what you can do. And… being scared of hurting someone," he said, that last part voiced just above a whisper. The subject was hitting a little closer to home than he'd like. At least, from what Shepard was saying, that nurse had escaped with probably just a few bruises and a story to tell. Vyrnnus hadn't been so lucky.
"And I'm glad that you ended up embracing your powers nevertheless," he added with a hint of admiration and maybe even longing in his voice, remembering how effortlessly Shepard had seemed to move on the battlefield, riding upon the dark energy waves, or making them explode upon his targets at will. "They're quite amazing, really."
Shepard almost wanted to laugh at Kaidan's initial reaction, but he had enough sense to hold back when he realized that he'd inadvertently struck a nerve with the Lieutenant. He had to wonder what story lay behind his words, but knew now wasn't the time to ask.
"Amazing? That's quite flattering coming from a biotic of your caliber, Lieutenant," Shepard said, hoping to maybe lift the heavy mood that had suddenly settled. "I think it's amazing how precise you are with your abilities. I just hit a spot and hope the radius hits an enemy or two," he joked, laughing slightly.
Kaidan smiled back encouragingly. "Well, at least you're hitting the right spot, Shepard," he said, then frowned a bit at the double entendre. Really, he was failing at communication today. "I mean that perhaps precision is not always that important," he specified. "You had very little time to learn and adapt to your powers; and still, the dark energy moves with you and even flows through you sometimes. What you lack in precision, you make up in raw power and speed." And passion…
"A sniper rifle is good, but you can't call it better or worse than a missile launcher. To win a fight, you might actually need both," he explained, wishing that Shepard wouldn't be so quick to dismiss his abilities, or the skills required to activate and use them. Still, if the lack of precision really bothered him…
"Or, you know, if you'd like to, and we've got the time, I might be able to show you a trick or two," he suggested, careful not to make it sound like he thought Shepard needed more training. Well, to be fair, all biotics did, as Kaidan didn't believe that they could ever stop learning to perfect their abilities. "Or, better yet, I hear that there's a powerful asari adept on the ship that would probably be thrilled to share a few training sessions with you, sir," he added, remembering Liara's previous interest.
Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards. "Oh, really? Did she tell you that?" He was a little surprised, to be honest. He'd spoken with Liara earlier, just to check on her after her faint spell during the after-mission debrief, but she seemed very distant – almost shy. It was adorable in an awkward sort of way, but she'd never made any comment about wanting to train with him. Maybe she just wasn't comfortable around him yet – that, he could understand. That seemed to be a trait she shared with the rest of the crew. Except maybe Kaidan. With enough prodding, he was opening up quite a bit more than everyone else. It just took a little effort on Shepard's part to get him that far, and so far it didn't seem to be a wasted effort.
"I'd almost say we should use downtime for all three of us to do some training. It's rare that I get to serve with other biotics – and especially not an asari," Shepard said, before an awkward look crossed his face. "I was the only biotic on the last ship I served on. I used the shuttle bay for practice, until I found out some of the crew liked to come down and stare at me. I don't care to feel like an animal in a zoo when I'm using my powers, so it's been a while since I had any practice time. Not since then, at least."
"Careful, Commander, or Wrex might get jealous if we start doing lessons without him. And as interesting as it would be seeing you head-butting a krogan, I'm not sure you really want to risk it," Kaidan teased, then thought about it further. "Though if Ash caught us training our biotics with a krogan and an asari, she might be tempted to call our little group 'a zoo' for entirely different reasons," he added, unable to resist laughing.
Ashley was an amazing soldier, and a great fun to have around. But sometimes, he swore that she could say the most inappropriate things when it came to aliens… Some of the comments she'd made on the Citadel had made him feel like trying to hide behind one of the bushes, or jumping in the lake to create a distraction. Perhaps getting the chance to work with aliens so closely would make her feel more accepting of other species. Hopefully.
He couldn't help but wonder if Shepard was suggesting that they train with Liara together because he really wanted them to, or because he didn't want him to feel excluded. "You know, if you'd like to spend some time alone with Dr. T'Soni, I'd understand," he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away. "I mean, she seems like a really sweet girl… And easy on the eyes, too. If you like the bookish sort."
Shepard couldn't keep from grinning knowingly at Kaidan. "Any intentions there, Lieutenant?"
He couldn't blame him for finding Liara attractive. She was like most other asari – exuding sex appeal without even trying. And Liara most definitely wasn't trying, if her shy and awkward nature revealed anything. Though to Shepard's personal taste she was a bit too innocent. When he looked at her he saw a little sister he needed to protect – not a powerful asari capable of leveling enemies with her biotics. It was a difficult mindset to get out of, and he most definitely wouldn't share it with her. The last thing he wanted was to antagonize her by treating her like she was fragile.
Kaidan couldn't hide his surprise at Shepard's comment. Great, now he probably thought that he was interested in her, which meant that Shepard might end up staying away from Liara in order to avoid any romantic rivalry between them on the ship. He had to find a way to fix that…
"No, Commander. Just art appreciation," he stated, hoping that he didn't sound too cold either. "I mean, she is an interesting lady; not to my tastes, but…" Okay, this was proving to be actually more difficult that he thought. "She also made it pretty clear that she was interested in someone else… And not just as a source of prothean data," he added, looking at Shepard pointedly, hoping that he would take the hint.
It was Shepard's turn to look surprised. "Oh, really? And how do you know that?"
To be honest, he was surprised. Granted, he'd only spoken to Liara once so far, and that had been to check on her after the debriefing to make sure she was settling in okay. She was incredibly shy, yes, but he'd chalked that up to naivety and being one of few aliens on board a human ship. And the interest she held in him didn't seem like it extended beyond interest in his visions from the prothean beacon. At least… that's what he had thought. Now he was beginning to have doubts.
"We spoke…" Kaidan trailed off, finding himself in a rather uncomfortable position. He didn't want to give too much information, as it wasn't really his place to say exactly what Liara had told him or what he'd read from her behavior. To be fair, she'd never explicitly said "I want to initiate a personal and potentially intimate relationship with Commander Shepard" but her interest in him had been rather obvious. It was also in the way that she looked at him, and became easily flustered in his presence… The way she carried herself around him, trying to capture his attention.
Kaidan sighed, deciding to take on a more direct approach. "Look Shepard, all I'm trying to say is that if you have a personal interest in Dr. T'Soni, I believe that there's a fairly good chance that the feeling might be mutual," he explained. "And also, I would understand if you wanted to spend more of your downtime with her," he added, doing his best to hide the slight disappointment in his voice, surprised that it was actually there at all.
"I truly appreciate these talks we're having…" he said sincerely, fidgeting a bit "…but I wouldn't want to be stepping on anyone else's toes."
To his great credit, Shepard managed to keep from laughing out loud. It was evident in the way he smiled, however. "Alenko, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you sound jealous," he teased, before adopting a slightly more serious expression – though there was still a bit of amusement lingering in his eyes. "But as it stands, I'm going to hold everyone on this ship to the same rules and the same accountability. Liara may not be Alliance military, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with fraternizing with her. That kind of stuff causes… complications. Especially on the battlefield."
Kaidan had almost instinctively protested when Shepard had suggested that he might be jealous, but thankfully, he'd quickly realized that the other man was only teasing him. Of course, that only ended up making him feel all the more foolish, which caused heat to come rushing to his neck... He could only hope that he wasn't actually blushing, as the last thing he wanted was to make things awkward between them.
"I can imagine how that might make things more difficult," he said, trying to focus his thoughts on the subject instead, "especially if you ever find yourself in a situation where you would have to make a hard call for the sake of the mission." As much as the Alliance military had a policy of leaving no one behind, every soldier knew that if sacrifices were needed in order for a critical mission to succeed, it was something that might eventually be required of them.
"I mean, finding yourself in a situation where you'd be forced to choose between saving the one you love, or seeing an important mission through would be simply agonizing; no matter how high the stakes." Just the thought of losing a soldier under his command was already heart wrenching. He could only imagine how it would feel if that person also happened to be a lover.
"Exactly," Shepard replied, tone turning serious. "It comes down to a choice between jeopardizing a mission for the sake of a lover or suffering the emotional consequences of losing someone important to you. And in either scenario you're facing a discharge and a court date. Possibly worse, if someone else gets hurt in the process."
He looked away. "Sometimes I'm okay with bending the rules – I'd make for a terrible Spectre if I wasn't. But that's a regulation that has too many downsides to consider breaking." He paused for a moment, sighing as he rubbed the side of his neck in thought. "…Besides, I respect my crew far too much to put them through something like that."
Kaidan nodded. "And I'm sure they appreciate it," he said, admiring Shepard's strong sense of responsibilities and personal integrity when it came to the well being of the people under his command. He could only hope that no one would ever try to take advantage of that…
"I overheard a few people talking about us making a brief stop on Ontarom while we're in the Newton system. Something about Hackett wanting us to rescue a former Alliance scientist?" he asked. "I'm about done here if you need my help to go check it out…"
It occurred to him that although Shepard had encouraged him to speak his mind and relax around him, he might have been just a bit too forward with his commanding officer. "I mean - I'm free and waiting for orders, sir."
Shepard laughed slightly, before finally pushing off of the railing and straightening up so he could properly face his Lieutenant. "I actually came over here to ask you to be on the drop team. Just got a little caught up in conversation," he said with a small smile. "Not that that's a bad thing. We'll be at Ontarom in an hour. Think you can finish up here and be suited up by then?"
Kaidan nodded, smiling back. "Sure thing, Commander. In one hour, I've even got enough time to grab a snack," he said, before remembering that both he and Shepard were likely to be on the same high caloric diet. "Actually, if you'd like a protein shake before we go, I could always bring you one on my way back from the mess."
"I appreciate the thought, Lieutenant," Shepard replied, though he refrained from adding "even though those shakes taste like ass." He'd forced down too many of those things to count before and after missions. And he usually topped out burning quite a few more calories than most other Alliance biotics, which facilitated an even higher caloric diet. Which meant more ass-tasting shakes. Unfortunately, if he didn't follow the diet, he was likely to bottom out after a skirmish and pass out in the med bay. And being scolded by Dr. Chakwas wasn't very high on his priority list for the day. "I'll be in the armory when you're ready."
He stepped away with a parting nod, before leaving the Lieutenant to his work.