Worth Living For, Act I

by Elianda

After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...

4. Chapter 4

Worth Living For,

Act I

by Elianda (a.k.a. Cygnonymous & TheLostGirl21)

SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.

SUMMARY: After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...

DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.

Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.

WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.

---

Chapter 4

Shepard took a deep breath to steady himself, dropping to a kneel next to the door and pausing long enough to check the heat sink capacity on his shotgun – out of the corner of his eye he could see Kaidan and Garrus falling into position behind him, awaiting orders. He could see the eerie blue glow of a biotic barrier flickering across the surface of Kaidan's armor.

He held up a fist, ordering them to stay put for now. They needed to catch their breath as it was – they'd had to fight through two waves of mercenaries, one of which had surprised them when they'd entered the building. They'd had a home field advantage and two krogans, but a few well-placed biotic charges and a little armor-piercing ammo went a long way. The room behind them was littered with spent ammo clips and dead bodies, and the three men had hardly a scratch. Well, Shepard had a few burn marks on his armor from a couple of barely-dodged concussive shots, but he didn't count those. There was still no sign of the scientist they were there to rescue, however, so it was only safe to assume whatever – or whoever – they were looking for was in the room beyond the door they were facing.

Shepard rose to a stand, calling up his omnitool and hovering it over the door panel. "Be ready," he called over his shoulder. He waited for the telltale click of both squad mates readying their guns, before he activated the panel. The orange holographic interface on his forearm flicked off and the door swished open, allowing the three to move forward with weapons drawn, Shepard taking point and Kaidan and Garrus immediately following.

They were forced to a halt the moment they entered the room, however, when they came into contact with its occupants – a man in full body mercenary armor holding a pistol on another man clad in a doctor's uniform.

"Stay back!" the armed man snarled as he shoved his gun threateningly close to the man's head, eyes snapping from his hostage to the three men who had just entered the room, before going back to the scientist cowering in front of him. "I've got no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!" His voice was wavering despite his better efforts to sound demanding – he knew he was cornered, with three different guns currently trained on him.

"Please! He's a madman!" the scientist exclaimed, hands held up in a universal gesture of surrender, eyes locked on the gun pointed at him and expression nothing short of terrified. "Mr. Toombs, you're insane! You need help!"

"Shut up!" the man roared, shaking hands still pointing the pistol at the scientist's head. "You don't get to lie! You don't…" he began, eyes moving back over to Shepard and his squad to watch their movements. He froze mid-sentence, however, when he finally seemed to get a good look at the three – his eyes had locked onto Shepard's face, and his pistol lowered just a bare fraction of an inch as a look of stark realization washed over his face. "…Shepard? My God… Shepard, is that you?" His voice was shaking again.

Shepard lowered his shotgun only slightly, his posture straightening somewhat as he stared at the man holding the gun, expression awash with confusion. He was wearing a helmet, but there was just enough of his face showing… Why did he look so familiar? How the Hell did he know who he was?

The realization hit him like a speeding truck. The last time he'd seen that face… it had been half obscured with blood, screaming for help. That thing had burst from the ground underneath them… fingernails scraped the dirt, looking for traction, horrified and scared and hopeless. Screaming and echoing gunfire. The gunfire had stopped first and then maybe the screaming but he wasn't sure, because all he could hear was his blood pounding in his ears as he ran for the landing zone.

He'd grabbed his hand, but he hadn't been strong enough. It had been ripped from his grasp and the only thing he could do was run and run and run and never look back.

To Kaidan and Garrus' surprise, Shepard's shotgun dropped to his side. "…Corporal Toombs? But…" his voice wavered dangerously. "I saw you die on Akuze," he said, voice disbelieving, trying to rationalize what he was seeing, as though saying it out loud might dispel the illusion. Toombs had died on Akuze, along with fifty other marines. He'd seen it happen – then, and replaying on a broken film reel in nightmares ever since. This couldn't be real. It had to be some kind of sick joke. "How did you get here?"

"They took me, Shepard," Toombs explained, before his attention turned back to his hostage, expression hardening. "The scientists," he spat.

"You can't prove any of this!" the man responded almost immediately, voice near-hysterical as he shot a pleading look in the direction of the three men standing in the doorway. "This man is delusional!"

"See, they were running tests on the thresher maw," Toombs continued as though he hadn't been interrupted, glaring daggers at the scientist in front of him. "They let those things hit us, just to watch and study. I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I'd survived; now they had someone to run tests on."

Shepard looked between the two as he spoke, still not entirely certain that what he was witnessing was real. He'd watched firsthand as a maw grabbed Toombs by the leg and dragged him under. He still saw his face, bloodied and screaming for help in his nightmares, along with so many other faces and voices of the people he hadn't been able to save. It was all he could do not to turn and run – as it stood, he was rooted to the spot, filled with too many emotions to count and sort through.

"Toombs, I-I didn't see anybody," he managed to say, voice shaking despite his better efforts to remain composed in front of his team. Kaidan and Garrus may as well not have been there. He'd spent the last six years trying to forgive himself for the deaths of those marines. Now one was standing directly in front of him. "If I had seen you, I'd have come back for you. I swear."

"You can't believe Toombs! He doesn't have any proof!" the hostage interrupted, still in borderline hysterics. "I demand a fair trial!"

"He was there, you bastard! He knows the truth!" Toombs yelled, once again shoving the gun threateningly at the scientist, causing him to flinch backwards. Toombs' attention turned back to Shepard. "They treated me like a lab animal. I only escaped because somebody destroyed Cerberus, their big organization," he explained, before his expression and tone turned dark. "This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"

Shepard shook his head, thankfully regaining enough of his sense to get a grasp of the situation. There were so many thoughts and emotions wrestling for control inside of him at that very moment that it was a miracle he didn't crack. It had been six years since his entire unit had been slaughtered, and now he was face to face with a survivor he didn't know had existed, telling him that the entire thing had been set up by a shady organization. It was a tough pill to swallow – an understatement at best. He was having a hard enough time accepting the fact that Toombs was alive, let alone that the traumatic event he'd barely survived was all some kind of game for a group of scientists. He needed time to think, but that was a luxury he couldn't afford during a hostage situation.

"I can arrest him," he finally said, managing to keep his tone even. His gun remained at his side – he couldn't bring himself to point it at Toombs again. "He'll answer for his crimes in court."

"Weren't you listening?" Toombs snarled, "He's part of a secret organization! I don't know what Cerberus is, but they'll never let their operation become public! This is the only way! Are you helping me, or are you killing me!?"

"The Alliance might be able to force him to testify against Cerberus, but if you kill him now, we'll never know," Kaidan suddenly said in a gentle voice, hoping that there would be some way to get through to the troubled young man. His words seemed to remind Shepard that there were other people in the room, and he saw him go slightly rigid in response.

To tell the truth, after what he'd just heard, he was tempted to simply raise his own gun and pull the trigger on that scientist himself. Save either Shepard or Toombs the guilt and the trouble. As much as he believed in justice and the right for the accused to have access to a fair trial; as much as the concept of gunning down a man that could not defend himself felt wrong, and he'd normally take a solid stand against it, he didn't care much whether that scientist got to live or die. What they'd done to that man, his unit, and to Shepard was simply unforgivable.

Every Alliance soldier knew about Akuze and the great tragedy that had occurred there. Many of them had had personal reasons to mourn these events, considering how large the unit involved in the massacre had been. Half a hundred men had lost their lives under horrifying circumstances; circumstances that had been categorized as some great and terrible accident.

The thought that these events had actually been engineered to sate the curiosity of some underground organization, that all that these men and women had suffered could have been easily avoided… It was filling him with such rage, and the most overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. No matter how things went down today, he knew that there was nothing that any of them could ever do to make things right.

Still, he refused to give up hope that this man could be helped. No matter the unspeakable horrors that had been inflicted upon him over the last six years, he had to keep on believing that there would still be a way for him to recover. Toombs was one of theirs, and deserved the Alliance's full support and protection. This feeling was only heightened by the knowledge that he'd been part of Shepard's old unit, and the only other survivor of those terrifying events.

Looking at the Corporal, he couldn't help but imagine Shepard standing there in his place instead… Pale grey eyes wild with pain and madness; desperately trying to find ways to deal with the trauma of what was done to him. Hoping to find peace by seeking out his own justice. The vision of it made his gut twist, and his heart pound wildly in his chest. The thought of Shepard having been captured and experimented on by these Cerberus scientists, all alone and faced with so much hurt, was quickly becoming unbearable.

"Please, Corporal, let us help you," he found himself pleading with him, hoping that Toombs would trust them and offer them a chance to do something for him, anything. Pull him back from the brink.

And he was worried about Shepard, too. Something about him had changed since he'd recognized the former member of his team. He and Garrus had grown quiet then, lowering their own guns, feeling like they'd just stepped in on something deeply personal; almost intimate. The Commander's usual self-controlled and confident façade had all but crumbled, letting them get a glimpse of the wounds he still carried inside. Of course, all of them had scars that they usually wished to hide... But he couldn't shake the feeling that some of Marco Shepard's own scars ran much deeper.

That knowledge had seemed to stir something deep inside him. Something that made him care about Shepard… about the burdens he carried… about the pain he was now facing… about the things that still threatened to hurt him.

People always seemed to expect so much of him, because they knew that Shepard had the habit to get the job done, to always see things through. He'd successfully survived impossible odds, which probably made him seem like he could take on anything, or anyone. Had anyone ever taken the time to take good look at the man behind this aura of heroism? To put aside their own needs and expectations, and just listen?

Right now, though, they had more pressing and especially immediate matters to attend to…

"Toombs, it doesn't have to be like this," Shepard pleaded, taking a cautious step towards Toombs, shotgun still hanging loose in his grip at his side. The Corporal immediately tensed in response, however, and his grip on his pistol went rigid, causing Shepard to stop in his tracks to keep from provoking him further. The scientist made a terrified sound, shrinking back. "This isn't the only way!"

Tense silence pulled just short of the breaking point filled the room, Toombs not removing his eyes from the man cowering in front of him and Shepard refusing to look away from him. No one moved. No one breathed. The only sound he could hear was his heart pounding in his chest, incessant and loud.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of standing on the edge, waiting for someone to jump, Toombs was the first to move, taking a deep, calming breath and slowly letting it go as his grip on the gun seemed to relax ever so slightly. He looked over at Shepard, the rage that had been so evident on his face moments earlier dissipating like a fire that had been extinguished.

"It is for me," he finally said with a sad smile, before looking back to the scientist as he recoiled in horror and pulling the trigger. The pistol kicked in his hand and gunfire popped loud enough to echo in the enclosed space – the scientist's body suddenly went limp and dropped to the ground with a thud, blood seeping across the white fabric of his medical uniform. Toombs stood there, frozen to the spot and staring down at the man's body, before he finally lowered his gun and turned to face the three men staring at him with varying degrees of shock and horror.

"I avenged them, Shepard," he finally said, his expression relieved, voice soft and no longer pinched with unrestrained rage. It was clear he had no regrets for what he had just done. "Our unit can finally rest in peace. I can finally let go."

Shepard stood there, expression frozen in disbelief, unable to bring himself to move forward or do anything. His eyes flicked from the dead body on the ground back up to Toombs again, a man whose face had haunted his dreams for six years. A face that was now at peace with himself and what he had done. He had no words. No actions. The sound of the pistol firing was still ringing in his ears. Finally, very slowly, he nodded to Toombs, unable to find a way to respond the way he wanted to. It's over now.

Toombs turned the pistol over in his hand, looking down at the weapon, still smiling ever so slightly. The overhead light reflected off of the gun's surface, rolling along the edge as he turned it. "The vids say that you were the sole survivor of what happened at Akuze," he said, before finally looking up at Shepard with a sympathetic smile. "Who am I to argue?"

Toombs raised the pistol and placed the muzzle under his chin – Shepard immediately lunged forward to stop him, hand outstretched in desperation. "Toombs, no!"

Gunfire popped one final time. Toomb's body slumped to the ground and the pistol clattered from his grasp. Shepard immediately went down on his knees next to his body, reaching to look for a pulse at his throat despite knowing full well the search was in vain – but he scrambled to find it regardless, hands and voice shaking. "No, no, no, God damnit Toombs!" He stayed like that for a good few seconds, fingers desperately pressed to Toomb's bloodstained neck, before he swore out loud, the sound escaping like spitting poison. He removed his hand, bowing his head in shame. No one moved. He didn't seem to care that Garrus and Kaidan were still standing behind him.

Finally, he raised his hand, pressing fingers still stained with Toomb's blood to the side of his helmet and activating a communication link. "Fifth Fleet, this is Shepard," he said – to his credit, his voice had stopped shaking. "Hostage negotiations broke down. There was a complication. I have two bodies in need of retrieval."

There was a pause, presumably while someone on the other end of the line expressed disbelief, confirmed by Shepard's response moments later. "Yes, Admiral. I'll explain in the debrief. Shepard out."

He rose to his feet after a moment, retrieving his shotgun from where he'd dropped it to the ground in his shock. He slid the weapon back in place at the small of his back, the magnetic plating in his armor locking it in place. He stood over Toombs for a moment longer, before he did the only thing he could do – he raised his hand to his forehead, giving the Corporal's body a short, stiff salute.

So this is how it ends, he thought bitterly. All of those men and women were still dead. He was still the only one who had survived. The only difference now was that for the briefest of moments, he hadn't been alone. There had been another survivor. Another person who understood the pain and the suffering and the nightmares. Another person unable to forgive himself.

A small part inside of him was screaming in rage, in defeat, in frustration and hatred and fear. Everything he had known, everything he had come to terms with for the past six years had been turned on its end. Akuze hadn't been an accident. He hadn't been alone. At least, for a short time. Now… now it was the same as before, but now he had more questions than answers and two more people to add to the body count.

He could feel the emotions boiling in his gut, fighting with each other for control. He didn't know how he wanted to feel. He just wanted to… he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to scream. To break something. To lock himself up and never come out again. He needed to go, to get out of here, away from the bodies and the blood and the screaming and the gunfire and the nightmares. He needed quiet. Solitude. Time to think.

He said nothing to either of his companions, refusing eye contact as he turned back and slid past them. He reopened the door they had come in through, disappearing back the way they had come without so much as a word.

The trip back in the Mako was silent, Shepard's hands gripping the steering wheel and eyes locked straight forward as they headed back to the landing zone. Even when they had docked and secured the vehicle in the shuttle bay, he only paused to strip his armor, stow his weapons, and change back into his Alliance fatigues, before he had gotten onto the lift and disappeared from sight, leaving Garrus and Kaidan to finish the post mission wind-down at their own pace. They exchanged worried glances, but said nothing.

It was a good hour before Shepard was seen again, finally emerging from the communications room following a lengthy private debrief with Admiral Hackett. He didn't pause to say hello or speak to anyone as he usually did – he went straight for his personal quarters and the door slid shut behind him.

---

Kaidan was standing alone in a vast battlefield. He didn't really know exactly where he was, or where the combat zone began or ended… The ground beneath his feet was littered with dead bodies, many of them wearing Alliance uniforms, others appearing to be civilians. Among them were a few geth and krogan mercenaries.

For a couple of minutes, all was eerily quiet as he walked around in a daze, growing more and more anxious by the second, unable to remember how he'd gotten there or what he was meant to do. There was a heavy feeling of foreboding to this place… The dead looking back at him with an accusatory expression, their broken limbs pointing in the direction that he was apparently meant to follow.

But Kaidan was lost, feeling like he'd spent years aimlessly wandering this desolate place, missing something critical to find his way. Whatever was expected of him, all he knew was that he couldn't do it alone. Someone else held the key to this place, and he had to find it… Find him. Nothing else mattered.

That's when he saw it. The light, in the distance. The familiar blue glow of dark energy… Pulsing, exploding… Goading him to get closer. Without thinking, he began running in its direction, stumbling and falling along the way; the bodies at his feet were trying to cling onto his legs and prevent him from reaching his destination. But still, he pressed on. No matter what, he knew that he needed to reach the light. It was still strong, but fading fast. It called to him… It needed him.

After what seemed like forever, he finally made it all the way up to a small hill, overlooking a dark and desolate landscape. The light was coming from down there, and he could see that Shepard was engaged in battle with a large group of geth; but this time, the fire and passion were gone from his fight. He moved aimlessly, unleashing his biotics upon his targets without a care, occasionally getting shot, yet appearing to be entirely oblivious to the pain or the blood dripping down his armor and slowly pooling at his feet.

Kaidan tried calling out to him, but he had no voice. He tried to summon his biotics, but he could no longer feel them. He tried grabbing one of his weapons, but he was unarmed. The only thing he could do was to climb down the hill and pray that he could get to Shepard in time… But even there, his limbs felt like lead, and it was like trying to walk chest deep into a large body of water.

When he finally got within a few meters of him, Shepard was standing alone, staring at the ground, his shoulders slumped and his back facing him. The geth were all gone, and his armor no longer bore any signs of the previous battle. In his right hand was a single pistol.

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked, advancing slowly towards him, his heart racing, the feeling of pure dread he'd experienced since he'd reached this place threatening to choke him.

Shepard turned around gently, and raised his gaze to meet his. The eyes that normally carried so much willpower and intensity now appeared dead and haunted. "Can you see it, Kaidan?" he asked in a small, empty voice, mirroring the look in his eyes.

They were no longer alone. They were suddenly surrounded by at least a hundred dark shadows… They floated around them, whispering in Shepard's ears and trying to pull at him. There was something profoundly dark and seductive about the way they moved…

Kaidan tried to reach out to Shepard, wishing that he could just grab him in his arms and shield him from all of these ghosts with his own body… But he was once again frozen into place, unable to speak or move, powerless to do anything but watch. Leave him alone! he screamed inside, desperately fighting back the fear and panic.

"It's okay…" Shepard said dispassionately, ignoring the shadows all around them, "…I can finally let go." He then raised the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.

"NO!" Kaidan yelled, sitting upright in his bed, completely out of breath and for a few moments looking around in the dark wildly, deeply confused.

"Jesus Christ!" he heard someone above him exclaim, the voice sounding familiar… That's when he noticed that his head was very close to a few metal bars that held another mattress in place. A now slightly misplaced mattress, as if someone had given it a solid biotic shove. Great…

"LT, you okay?" the same voice asked, her tone now laced with concern, as Ashley's head appeared from the side of her bed looking down at him, with her hair loosely framing the sides of her face.

A dream… Thank god, it was only a dream. The emotions of it had felt so real.

Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself and regain full control of his thoughts, he noticed that there were several pairs of eyes now looking at him from their own bunk beds with either deeply annoyed, confused, fearful, or in some case sympathetic expressions. And why not? He'd just woken everyone in the crew quarters with a scream, and probably a good surge of biotic energy.

He didn't answer Ashley, quickly getting out of bed and bolting for the door, suddenly needing to find himself anywhere but there.

Ashley watched him go, before her growing concern got the better of her, and she hopped down to the ground to follow suit.

"Freak," she heard one of the ship's navigation technicians whisper from her bed soon after Kaidan had left. She suddenly whirled andwalked straight to that woman's bunk, angrily grabbing her mattress and yanking it (and the technician) down to the floor.

"HEY! What the fuck is your problem?" the other woman yelled, while a few other crewmates had to stifle their laughs.

"You're lucky he didn't hear you, because if you ever call him that again, I'll both kick your ass and officially report you for disrespecting a superior officer. Just so we're clear," she stated, not even waiting for an answer and rushing after the Lieutenant to go check on him.

She found Kaidan sitting at one of the tables in the mess, head in hands, eyes closed, and his expression pained.

"Bad dream?" she asked, then bit her lower lip when she saw him wince. Apparently, whatever stress he'd experienced while dreaming had caused another of his flare-ups, and it seemed to be an especially bad one. "Sorry…" she whispered, lowering her voice as much as she could.

Kaidan offered her a little smile, touched by her attentiveness. "It's okay…" he whispered back. He kept his eyes closed, though. The light in the mess was very dim, but it still bothered him.

Ashley took a seat next to him and positioned herself so that she would directly face him. "Turn around," she murmured, grabbing the backrest of Kaidan's chair to help him turn so that he could face her.

This time his eyes shot open and he looked at her, confused, obviously wondering what she had in mind. Ashley rolled her eyes. "I'm not trying to take advantage of you, LT," she said quietly, and he had to almost laugh at that. "My mother used to suffer pretty bad migraines when I was young…" she explained, as he finally let her turn his chair so they were now both facing each other. "Whenever it happened, and my sisters or I were around, we used to do this for her…" she said, delicately moving both hands to rest on either side of Kaidan's head.

She paused for a second, waiting for his authorization to continue. Kaidan seemed to hesitate for a moment, the contact between them obviously being a bit more intimate than he was usually accustomed to, especially coming from a fellow soldier. But he was too tired, shaken, and especially hurting right now to let himself be bothered by it. Ash's offer to help him seemed genuine, and he knew that there was no hidden message behind it. So he nodded slowly and let his eyes close again, giving in to her touch, willing himself to relax.

Ashley's cool hands actually felt good against his skin. She began to massage both of his temples, moving her hands into small circles, careful not to put too much pressure into it, and looking for any knots or tension points that she could help loosen up a bit. After a while, she moved to his forehead… then the sensitive spot between his eyebrows… then further down his scalp and the back of his head…

He didn't know how long they sat there, but by the time she was finished, the pain had been reduced to a dull throbbing. He had to keep himself from groaning in protest when she finally stopped and sat back, looking at him expectantly.

"Better?" she asked, though her little smirk made it clear that she already knew he'd been enjoying it.

He smiled back at her gratefully. "Yes, much."

"Good. 'Cause next time I might have to start charging you, or else we'll be getting strange looks from the rest of the crew."

This time Kaidan laughed, being able to afford it now that most of the pain had passed. "Or I could ask Dr. Chakwas to write me down an official prescription."

"Yeah, I'm afraid she might get jealous, though. I swear the woman gets a kick out of playing surrogate mother for Joker and you," she said, laughing back. Her expression turned serious, however.

"Garrus told me about what happened during your last mission with Shepard…" she trailed off, knowing that it was probably still a very sensitive matter, but feeling the need to offer her support nevertheless. "…how are you holding up?"

"Okay, I guess," Kaidan replied quietly, not quite knowing what to say. When Toombs had shot the scientist, his first concern had been regarding how they could help the man live with the consequences of his actions. Taking another's life in cold blood, no matter how justified, was likely to be a pretty heavy weight to carry; after the Corporal had experienced so many psychological and physical traumas, it could only be even more so.

But by the time any of them had realized that Toombs had already a permanent solution in mind, it had been too late. The young man had found peace at the cost of his life, leaving Shepard as the very last survivor of the tragedy that had occurred on Akuze. From the moment that second gunshot had rung, the Commander had become oblivious to anything else… As if he was functioning purely on autopilot.

He hadn't answered when Kaidan had gotten down on his knees next to him, quietly whispering his name, while he'd been checking on Toombs, desperately looking for any sign of life. He'd missed Garrus' offer to drive the Mako, quietly getting in the vehicle and waiting for them to follow suit.

Kaidan had always preferred a good show of grief or anger to silence. Silence was too scary, too distant, too unpredictable… You couldn't fight the silence, and so much remained trapped inside of it.

"I didn't expect you to become acquainted with a turian so fast, Chief," he teased with as small smile, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, Garrus is alright..." she said with a shrug, "…for a guy with scales covering his ass," she couldn't resist adding, knowing that this was exactly the type of comment that drove him crazy. Tonight though, he was more than willing to let it slide, even laugh it off a little.

She yawned, and it occurred to him that she was probably getting pretty tired, having had her night cut short like that. "You should get back to bed," he said.

"What about you?" she asked back, raising an eyebrow. Apparently, she took her mother hen role very seriously…

"I was thinking about sleeping in one of the sleeper pods permanently from now on…" he answered. Since there weren't enough beds for all of the crew, they usually took turns. Kaidan supposed that no one would complain if he gave up his.

"Look, if it's about that levitating mattress trick you did back there, it's perfectly fine with me. One of my biggest childhood dreams was to have my own flying carpet."

"Until next time I accidently end up slamming you into the ceiling instead," he replied sadly.

Ashley sighed in frustration. "If you're really that worried about it, LT, I'll let you have the upper bed. But you're not going to start cutting yourself off from the rest of the crew just because you had a nightmare, and ended up acting out in your sleep," she said, talking to him as if he was a stubborn child. "Unless you have some freakin' REM sleep disorder, that shouldn't happen often anyway. I've probably punched one of my sisters once or twice during one of our sleepovers, and that didn't stop us from having them."

He had to hand it to her, Ash really had a way of letting people know when she thought they were only being silly.

"Okay, just not tonight. I don't feel like going back to sleep yet," he replied, not wanting to risk plunging himself back into a similar nightmare. They were supposed to spend the next two days traveling between systems anyway… So he'd probably have time to catch some rest later.

She hesitated for a moment, then finally nodded. "Alright, good night then," she said, standing up and getting ready to go back to the crew's quarters, before stopping and turning back. "Are you sure you won't just exhaust yourself and get another headache?" she asked, appearing once again worried.

Kaidan laughed. "I'll be fine Chief. If I ever need a guardian angel, I promise I'll know where to look," he answered with a sincere smile, hoping that it would ease her concerns. She gave him a small, tired smile, and finally walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

---

It was around noon the next day when Kaidan noticed that he hadn't seen or heard anything from the Commander during the whole morning. He'd asked Joker, Pressly, went down to the engineering deck and the shuttle bay; no one had seen him. Ever since they'd returned from their mission on Ontarom, Shepard had apparently locked himself in his quarters, and had yet to come out. That was almost twenty-four hours ago.

He was ashamed to admit it, but his first reaction after that had been to sneak up into the med bay to check on Shepard's biometric readings in order to make sure that all of his vital signs were still active. Physically he appeared to be fine, at least, if perhaps under a bit more stress than usual – which was perfectly understandable.

He went back to the mess to grab a food tray and a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup - or, at least, a chicken flavored noodle soup. They never quite knew what exactly was in the military rations being served to them. He added a ham and cheese sandwich, a glass of veggie juice, and grabbed a protein shake he'd prepared earlier from the fridge before making his way towards Shepard's cabin. Once he'd reached his destination, he held the tray with one hand and gently knocked on the door.

"Shepard, it's Kaidan. Can I come in?" he called, waiting for an answer.

Shepard looked up from where he'd been sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes snapping over to the closed door at the sound of Kaidan's hadn't expected anyone to come check up on him, and he damn sure wasn't in a proper state to entertain the thought of face-to-face conversation with his crew. A small part of him wanted to tell Kaidan to go away, to come back later when he was of sounder mind. He wasn't ready. Nearly twenty-four hours locked in his room and he'd barely scraped together the pieces, let alone glued them all back together into a semblance of something unbroken. The last thing he needed was for someone – a crewmate, no less – to look close enough to see the cracks.

He wasn't used to this. He was supposed to have his past squared away. Sealed in a file, shoved in the back of a drawer, gathering dust in an abandoned corner of his mind. But, seeing Toombs again… he may as well have grabbed the filing cabinet and thrown it across the room with a resounding clatter. Everything was a mess, emotions and memories scattered like paperwork across the floor. And he didn't need Kaidan to walk in on him desperately scrambling to pick everything up again. That was a state of mind he couldn't afford to show anyone, especially not his subordinates who would be looking to him in respect, expecting guidance and leadership. Fighting with a risky leader was one thing; finding out he was damaged was another.

No, God damn it, you're not damaged. He couldn't afford to start thinking like that. Not again, not ever. And especially not when he had so much resting on his shoulders and dedicated crewmembers looking up to him. He had responsibilities and expectations that would always be there, no matter what his state of mind was. He'd just have to suck it up and keep moving.

"Hold on," he called in the most stable tone he could manage, getting up and making quick, frenzied work of throwing the discarded sheets back across his bed and straightening out the stack of datapads scattered across his desk. He tried in vain to smooth the wrinkles out of his uniform. He hadn't changed since the day before, and had collapsed into bed still fully clothed that night. Not that it had done him any good to find sleep; he'd been roused by nightmares almost immediately and spent the rest of the night awake and aimless, sitting at his desk reading notes or just staring at the wall, trying to sort himself out. Not that Kaidan needed to know that. The dark patches under his eyes would give that away handily.

He walked over to the door, fingers sliding across the control panel and allowing the door to slide open, bringing him face to face with Kaidan. "Need something, Lieutenant?"

"You've been cooped up in here for a pretty long time, Commander," he said, taking in Shepard's appearance, while trying his best not to look like he was purposely staring at him. If the bloodshot eyes and deep circles were any indication, he hadn't had much more success than he did in finding sleep last night.

"Thought you might be hungry. And, uh… The mess is pretty crowded and noisy at this hour, you know?" he added, quickly stepping around Shepard to put the food tray on his desk before the other man had the chance to take it out of his hands, or block his access to his personal quarters.

He knew that it was a pretty bold move, one that could easily get him into trouble. Well, he did initially ask if he could come in… And he could probably say that he had (mis)interpreted Shepard opening the door as an indication that his request had been granted.

The food was only part of the reason he was here, of course. The main reason was his desire to get a chance to talk to him. See how the Commander was holding up, and if there was anything that he could do for him. And, considering what Shepard had just been through, he didn't really feel like approaching him in a public place, where they could easily be interrupted by another crewmember.

Now that he was here though, he didn't quite exactly know what to say. He didn't want to pry… But he couldn't leave the situation at that either. He knew that the events of the last mission had hit Shepard pretty hard, and he simply wasn't able to let him face that kind of pain on his own. No one should have to.

"Ah… um. Thanks," Shepard murmured, watching him as he set the tray down on his desk – again, that small voice niggling in the back of his head told him that he'd be better off asking Kaidan to leave. He couldn't keep from feeling guilty for even considering it, however. Kaidan was clearly worried about his wellbeing, but as much as he wanted to appreciate it, he was in such a precarious mental state that he didn't know how long he'd be able to fake normalcy before something cracked. And he damn sure didn't want Kaidan staring at him when it happened.

Shepard sunk down into a sitting position on the corner of his bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He sighed heavily, before looking up at Kaidan and bracing himself for the inevitable. "I get the feeling my eating habits aren't the only thing that brought you here."

"Yeah, I… uh…" am standing way too tall and feeling mightily uncomfortable looking down at you like that. And crouching right in front of him so that they would be at the same eye level might feel a little too confrontational… The last thing that he wanted was for Shepard to feel trapped, or put on the spot. He was already glad that he hadn't kicked him out of his quarters yet. "Is it okay if I sit there?" he asked, motioning to the other corner of the bed.

He waited for him to nod and quietly sat down next to him, keeping a respectable distance. He angled his body so that he was half facing him, half facing away. That way, Shepard would have the choice to either turn his head to look at him as they spoke, or stare at the wall or the ground in front of him. Whichever felt more comfortable.

"We didn't really get the chance to talk since… Well…" he trailed off, running a hand through his hair and letting out a weary sigh. There wasn't exactly an easy way to talk about it. So he might as well just ask. "I guess I just wanted to know how you were doing," he finally said, unable to hide the gentle concern in his voice.

Shepard stared down at a spot on the floor between his feet, not quite sure if he was up for prolonged eye contact just yet. How could he answer that question? How was he doing? Even he didn't have a proper answer. His emotions were so confused, jumbled together – even if he did have a good enough grasp on them, did he really want to share them? Sure, he trusted Kaidan, but… there was certain baggage that just didn't need to be opened in front of other people.

These were feelings that he couldn't share. He'd spent so long hanging onto these kinds of emotions, thoughts that if given a voice would only confirm that they existed in the first place, something he wasn't ready to admit. Not out loud, and hardly to himself. His life had always been marked by suffering, pain, and death – his family on Mindoir, his squad on Akuze. People liked to call him a survivor – always the last one standing amidst the rubble, when everyone else had fallen.

He didn't feel like a survivor. He just felt lucky, like his survival had always been, and always would be some kind of a fluke. Like every breath he took, every bullet he dodged, every battle he walked away from was another step closer to the end, when Death would finally take hold of him and drag him under like it had failed to do so many times before. It clung to his back, breathing down his neck, waiting for the moment when his luck ran out and he finally let go.

I can finally let go.

He forced that thought process to a sputtering halt. No, he was not going there. Especially not with Kaidan sitting there looking at him. And he damn sure wasn't going to say it out loud.

He sighed again, reaching up and gently rubbing his temples with his fingertips, trying to will the thoughts away and clear his head enough to hold a proper conversation with the man sitting next to him. "I… I'm fine. A lot happened. I'm just trying to process everything right now."

He lowered his hands, forcing himself to look at Kaidan to show that he was sincere. "I appreciate your concern, Lieutenant, but there's nothing to worry about."

"You just found and lost one of your old squad mates in the same day under pretty disturbing circumstances, and you're telling me that there's nothing to worry about?" Kaidan asked softly, not even bothering to hide the disbelief in his voice.

Shepard's expression faltered, and he looked away again. "I've spent the past six years thinking – no, knowing that Toombs was dead. I hadn't even fully grasped the fact that he was alive when he decided to put a bullet in his head. Now I find out that Akuze wasn't some kind of freak accident, but the group responsible has disappeared and I'm still the only one left," he began, but his resolve started to crack and his voice wavered. He stopped, pausing to take a shaky breath to steady himself before continuing. "I can deal with a little emotional turmoil now and then. I wouldn't be a good leader if I couldn't. So, no, you don't need to worry about me."

"Okay," Kaidan said, obviously not convinced, yet somewhat satisfied that he'd at least succeeded in getting Shepard talking, if only a little. "But after what I saw and heard yesterday, I just spent the last night either plagued by nightmares, or sitting in the mess…" he admitted, trying in his own way to let Shepard know that he didn't expect him to be the stoic leader under such circumstances. "And I didn't even know the guy."

"You are a good and strong leader," he added, putting as much conviction as he could in his voice. "But I'm not talking to you as my commanding officer right now, Shepard. And we aren't on a battlefield." At least, not a physical one, as Kaidan had no doubt that Shepard was probably fighting a very strong and very real internal battle.

Shepard's eyes snapped over to Kaidan again, his expression concerned. He hadn't even stopped to think how seeing what happened might have affected his crew. He mentally kicked himself for not bothering to at least check on them. "You're having nightmares? Are you okay?"

"I'm angry and… disturbed and… disgusted…" Kaidan began, hoping that voicing his own feelings about the situation might encourage Shepard to do the same. "I can't even begin to understand what kind of human being would knowingly set a thresher maw upon a unit of fifty good men and women just to watch how it would react to them, stand by as they all get slaughtered, and then use one of the only survivors as a test subject," he said, his eyes flashing with barely contained rage.

"Those Cerberus scientists that Toombs hunted down? Well, they had it coming." Kaidan had never been very big on vengeance and retribution, but as far as he was concerned, a line had been crossed here. "And by their fault, we lost another good soldier."

Shepard managed to keep the surprise off of his face as he watched Kaidan speak. He'd never seen him so angry, so unforgiving – they'd only spoken a few times, yes, but he'd always gotten this distinct impression from the other man that he was very calm, cool, and collected. He seemed like the kind who would require an incredibly hard push to even consider snapping. A nerve had been hit, and it had been hit hard.

"Believe me, if I had known what had really happened..." Shepard began in a quiet voice, looking down at the ground again, twisting his hands in front of him. "It wouldn't have been Toombs holding a gun on that scientist." He flinched, expression hardening. "We lost too many good soldiers that day. And now we've lost one of them again. It's like… no matter what we do, we'll never get away from it. Not until…"

He stopped speaking, however, realizing he was meandering into dangerous territory. He didn't need to voice those thoughts in front of anyone. He immediately veered the subject in a different direction. "I spoke with Hackett after the mission, and we're devoting resources to finding Cerberus. I just hope it's not too late, or else we might lose them for good."

Kaidan nodded. "We'll find and stop them," he vowed. "If not now, once this whole thing with Saren and the geth is through." He only hoped that they would both still be there to see it. Better yet, be part of the team that would take them down.

For a few moments, they sat there in silence, Kaidan playing with his hands a bit nervously, and willing himself to calm down. "You know you're not alone, right?" he finally said quietly, looking back at Shepard. "Toombs and… all of the other soldiers that were lost… They still live through you." He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "You may always carry the pain and horrors of that day… But you also share their memory, their strength and… courage."

He sighed, feeling like he was back in his dream, surrounded by dark ghosts and shadows. "The fact that, against all odds, one of you is still standing is a victory in itself. And worth fighting for." You are worth fighting for… Kaidan thought, keeping that last part to himself for fear of how it would be interpreted.

Shepard sighed heavily. "Yeah, that's what they told me when they handed me that thing," he said bitterly, hooking a thumb towards the desk. Kaidan followed his line of sight, eyes falling on what looked like a picture frame perched on the back corner of the desktop. It was a small display board with what looked like a heart-shaped medallion pinned to it, hanging from a purple ribbon. "I let my entire unit die and they gave me a damn medal for it," he said, voice stained with derision. He shook his head, before standing up and crossing over to the desk to pick up the medal.

"They said it was a miracle I made it out alive," he said, voice quiet as he stared down at the thing clutched in his hand, the dim light of his cabin glancing across the edge of the medal. His fingers clenched around it a little harder and his expression flattened out a bit, before he set it back down again. He turned back to Kaidan, expression hesitant for a long moment, before he reached down and un-tucked his shirt from the belt of his fatigues. He lifted his shirt just enough to bare his stomach and sides, and it was then that Kaidan could see what looked like a massive, dark splash of scar tissue covering his entire right side, stretching up his ribcage and curling around the side of his stomach.

"I was hit by maw acid while I was running. The doctors said I was lucky I survived – I barely made it through the surgeries when they finally got me to a treatment facility," he explained, expression hardening as he looked down at the scarring. He dropped his shirt to cover the scar once again, before reaching over and turning the medal over on its face so he could no longer see it. "At least I can hide the medal. Hell, I could throw it away if I felt so inclined. But this scar will always be here. I'll always look at it and wonder why they died and I didn't."

He closed his eyes, breathing in slowly, before releasing it and looking at Kaidan again. "I try to tell myself that all of my strength, all of my courage, comes from them. Maybe it does. Better than running on empty rage, I guess. Would I still be the same person if Akuze hadn't happened? I don't know. But I don't want my losses to define me."

As Kaidan had let his eyes travel over Shepard's scar, he'd been careful to keep his expression open and neutral. The last thing he wanted was for him to believe that the sight of it repulsed him, or worse, inspired his pity. Neither of which was true. His hand had absentmindedly traveled to his lips though, feeling the two fine lines there that he'd been told were barely visible, but were always the first thing that he would see whenever he stared back at his own reflection in the mirror.

Every soldier had scars… It was unlikely for anyone to be able to fight without coming back with a few scrapes and cuts, or even a bullet wound or two if they'd been unlucky. Bruised and torn skin would heal, leaving marks that became fast forgotten. Krogans found scars sexy; especially those earned in battle. For him, most of them were simply part of the job.

But there were a few exceptions. A lip split open after a well-placed punch, the edge of a knife briefly resting across his face, prompting him to break loose. A constant reminder of the first life he'd ever taken, and of what had been lost in the aftermath… Yeah, some scars were definitely harder to forget about than others; especially those that couldn't be seen with the naked eye. As impressive as that large healed burn on Shepard's skin was, he was much more concerned with the pain that had been dealt within.

He waited for his Commander to finish talking, listening attentively to his words, before standing up and walking over to him. He stopped at arm's length, gently holding his gaze.

"Your losses don't have to define you, Shepard," he said, eyes soft and filled with a gentle understanding. "But your past experiences will inevitably influence the choices you make, and provide opportunity for growth." Kaidan did believe that certain events did play a role in shaping the person that someone was likely to become, but that wasn't all there was to it.

"Another person put in exactly the same situation as yours would probably have reacted very differently to it, and evolved in another direction. There's a huge difference between who you are, and what you do."

Shepard looked back at him for a long moment, before his gaze averted to the side, barely able to contain the look of embarrassment threatening to cross his face. He'd lost himself for a moment there, forgetting that he and Kaidan barely knew each other – he hadn't shown his scar to anyone else in years, and here he was, baring it and much of his inner thoughts for his Lieutenant to see. He wasn't sure if it was because he was just in a fragile mental state and looking to cling to the first person who might offer him a shoulder – but, no, that wasn't like him. When things got rough, he had himself and no one else, and that was always the way he'd preferred it. It was far easier to just sit in his cabin, isolated, using the quiet and solitude as a means of sorting through his thoughts and emotions and organizing whatever mess he'd managed to stir up.

No, there was something about Kaidan, about his honesty and his calm demeanor, the way he looked at someone to show that he was listening and he cared – it made him suddenly want to spill his guts, thinking that maybe he'd found someone who wouldn't judge him or offer him hollow pity. He'd had enough of that to last a lifetime. The fact alone that Kaidan had looked at the scar on his side and hadn't gotten that typical wide-eyed, gaping look of mixed pity and disgust… that was enough for him.

"I… you're right," Shepard finally conceded, reaching down and tucking his shirt back into his belt, still trying not to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. You have to understand that I'm not used to speaking about these kinds of things with other people."

"You're not making me uncomfortable, Shepard," Kaidan said sincerely, thinking that it was actually quite the opposite. He hadn't felt as comfortable around anyone since a very long time… Except perhaps with Jenkins, but that was entirely different. As good a friend as Richard had been, he'd never been tempted to get onto more serious or personal matters in the times they'd spent together.

Jenkins was this funny, exuberant guy that accepted people for who they were, and found ways to bring out the best in them whenever he was around. The type of person that simply loved everyone and that everyone ended up appreciating in return. They felt good and generally ended up having a great time whenever he was around, forgetting all about their worries…

But he wasn't the type of person that Kaidan would have felt comfortable confiding in. It was a bit like trying to compare a bubbly glass of champagne to a warm cup of hot chocolate. One of them was very exciting and went straight to your head, leaving you a bit dizzy. While the other was familiar, soothing, and comforting, making you feel safe and appeased.

And there was something about the whole situation that truly bothered him. Udina, the Council, even the Alliance up to a certain point… They all seemed to have very high and strong expectations regarding what Shepard would or should be able to accomplish, but none of them appeared to really be ready to commit to him in return.

It was one of these typical political situations where he could easily see them take credit for his successes as long as everything ran smoothly. But the moment that Shepard would be faced with making controversial or difficult choices that might make them look bad, they could easily find a way to prove that he was only acting on his own volition.

Shepard, on the other hand, appeared to be very quick to feel responsible for everything that either went right or wrong in a mission. A strong sense of accountability was something that Kaidan had always admired and respected in a leader, but in Shepard's case, he feared that someone could try to take advantage of it. Now probably wasn't really the time to discuss it, though.

Still, that only reinforced the desire that he had to make sure that Shepard would be able to receive all the support that he might need.

"Considering that we're deep in space and facing some pretty crazy odds half the time, I thought that you might appreciate being able to take off the uniform and have a friend to talk to once in a while."

His eyes went wide as he realized what he'd just said, and he quickly amended the statement. "As in being able to just be yourself and relax when you aren't in a situation that requires your leadership. I wasn't referring to your actual clothes." Even though Shepard had just lifted his shirt to show him the scar, and that was okay too. Oh, just shoot me!

Shepard snorted with barely contained laughter – the embarrassed look on Kaidan's face was enough to make him cut it out, however, forcing on a straight face. Laughing at him wasn't going to help the situation any. But it was kind of nice, being able to laugh with someone else when a few hours ago he'd been sitting on his bed in isolation and struggling with heavy thoughts and painful memories.

"I know what you meant, Kaidan," he said with a soft grin, before looking down with a slight chuckle. "And I appreciate it, really. It's… good to have a friend to lean on every once in a while."

Kaidan smiled back at him, relieved to see that Shepard seemed to have found his little blunder amusing. It sure beat the alternative. "Anytime, Shepard," he said, before the low grumble coming from the Commander's stomach reminded him of the other reason why he'd first came here.

"But really, I should probably let you eat now, or else the soup will be cold," he added with a little laugh; then hesitated, not wanting to sound like he was trying to get rid of him. "Of course I can also stay here while you do, if you'd like."

Shepard laughed again, before turning the chair at his desk and sitting down, dragging the food tray closer. "Well, I'm not exercising my Commander status right now, so I'm not going to order you to do anything. But you're free to stay if you like; I won't ask you to leave," he said with a soft smile, before picking up the protein drink Kaidan had brought with the meal and uncapping it. He seemed to brace himself as he lifted it to his lips, but a surprised look crossed his face once he'd actually gotten a taste of it. "Okay, Lieutenant, I've got to ask. The only time these things taste any good is when you bring them to me. I thought the Alliance might've changed their recipe but the ones in the mess still taste like ass. What's your secret?"

Kaidan laughed, sitting on the edge of the bed, happy to be allowed to stay a while longer. Yeah… That. "I'm an only child," he began explaining. "While my father is this very calm and collected ex-Alliance officer, people that don't know him might even call him distant or stoic… My mom is actually a very warm, caring and nurturing person… if sometimes a bit overprotective."

The slightly confused look and raised eyebrow let him know that Shepard didn't quite understand his current line of thoughts. "So anyway, when I first joined the Alliance military, I sort of ended up mentioning in one of my emails that the protein shakes that they had the biotics drink here were disgusting," he continued, "Next thing you know, mom sends me a crate filled with all types of different flavored powder samples, with a little note telling me to choose my favorite and contact her afterwards, so she could send more."

"Strawberry, chocolate, maple, and blueberry were good… Watermelon just made the whole thing even more disgusting," he said with a little wince. "But I find that the butterscotch and coffee flavor is the one that better masks the shake's bitterness and general uh… 'ass taste.'" he said, reusing Shepard's own rather colorful terms with an amused smile.

"So yeah, it's been almost ten years since; but, each time I'm serving on a ship, mom still regularly checks its docking schedule to make sure that I don't run out of the stuff. At first I found it a bit embarrassing, but now I figure that it just makes her feel like she's helping me out in her own way." He could only imagine how difficult it must be for her to be forced to wait on the sidelines while her son ships out to go fight and/or try to resolve some conflict, just as she had done with her husband before.

"I could keep fixing them for you if you'd like," he offered. "I think that our diet requirements are pretty similar, and preparing one or two portions at the same time is not much more trouble… Besides, mom would probably get a complete kick out of knowing that she's also making life easier for the first human Spectre." Hopefully she wouldn't start sending Shepard sweaters, too.

Shepard chuckled, pausing to take another swig of the drink, savoring the taste for a moment. "Damn, you're right. It doesn't even taste like the same thing," he said, before throwing a sheepish grin in his direction. "I'd really appreciate that, actually. Thank you."

He leaned back in his chair, angling it to better face Kaidan, before he reached over and picked up the sandwich. He took a bite out of it - though he didn't make anywhere near as pleased of a face at the taste, chewing thoughtfully and swallowing. "Your file said you're from Vancouver. What's it like there?"

Kaidan shrugged. "It's a nice city, I guess," he said, trying to figure out what Shepard might find interesting. "Depends what you're looking for… Personally, I tend to enjoy the quiet and the great outdoors. Go skiing once in a while, enjoy a long walk in Stanley Park, or just relax at my parents' apartment." Yeah, he probably wasn't exactly the most exciting friend to have around.

"I uh… tend to stay away from crowds and most of the big city life. The headaches often get worse when there's too much happening. But I know there are some good restaurants and plenty of entertainment," he offered, hoping that he didn't sound too boring.

"Hm. I think you would have liked Mindoir," Shepard replied, a slight smile working across his lips. "It was very quiet, kind of a personal place. Not a lot of hustle and bustle, you know? Beautiful forests, lots of farmland. No snow for skiing, unfortunately, but it didn't lack for outdoor activity."

He looked down at the sandwich in his hand, expression flickering to something unreadable for a moment before he looked up at Kaidan again, concern crossing his features. "You said you get headaches. Is it because of your implant? You're an L2, right?"

In retrospect that question was a bit stupid, Shepard realized – he already knew that Kaidan was an L2, along with everyone else on the Normandy. He'd read it in his file, before he'd even met the man. He also knew a little bit about the physical side effects associated with his implant, though that information was bare minimum. Just a short bulleted checklist, one or two words to each bullet point. Nothing about his functionality or how common said side effects were, however – just a footnote recommending he serve on ships with physicians trained to take care of biotics. And considering the fact that the Normandy had two biotics – at least, until Liara and Wrex had come aboard – that hadn't been a problem.

Maybe he just wanted to hear it from Kaidan himself. Bulleted checklists only revealed so much, and a wall of text hardly had the same perspective as the soldier it was being written about. Letters didn't have experience or opinions. People did. And honestly, if Kaidan had to deal with these kinds of things on a daily basis, he'd rather hear his take on it – not what his file had to say about it.

Kaidan shot him a brief surprised look. "Yeah, I was among the first to receive the L2 implant," he confirmed. Somehow, he'd always assumed that Shepard knew for sure, and had been briefed by either Dr. Chakwas or someone else on the ship regarding the complications that he was suffering as a result of it. Actually, that probably explained why he'd suggested that Dr. Chakwas check up on him when he'd mentioned having a flare-up the other day. It's not that Shepard didn't trust him to take care of himself; simply that he hadn't known that it was a pretty common occurrence for him. He'd just been too quick to jump to conclusions.

"I guess we're pretty rare now considering that most of us either chose to get an L3 retrofit, or ended up with serious physical and mental disabilities." Or dead, he thought sadly, not really wanting to get into the more gruesome details of Conatix's early "experiments" and turn the whole conversation into a huge sob story.

"So far, I've been lucky. I only get occasional severe migraines; the Alliance always makes sure that there's a doctor on site that knows how to monitor L2 implants, and check for any sign of deterioration or complication whenever I get a new assignment," he said, not wanting Shepard to start worrying about his health problems possibly getting in the way of his ability to perform his duty.

"My condition's pretty much been stable over the last ten years, and Chakwas is one of the best. She probably knows my head better than I do by now."

"It must've been rough being one of the first L2s," Shepard said, leaning forward in his chair a bit, elbows resting on his knees, genuine concern crossing his face. "Was it bad when you first got your implant?"

This was unfamiliar territory for Shepard. Truth be told he was downright lucky in comparison to most of the biotics around his age group; he'd been fitted with an L3 implant, and despite not getting it until much later than most of his kind, he'd taken to it just fine. No complications whatsoever. Maybe a few headaches and strained muscles the first few times he'd tried to use his powers, but those passed quickly with training and time. Now the only thing he had to worry about was keeping the amp port situated at the base of his skull properly taken care of, and that was small change in comparison to what most L2s had to deal with.

If anything, he owed a lot to the L2s that came before him. The improvements made in the subsequent L3 implants were made based on trial and error, using the L2 implants as examples of what to expect and what needed to be changed. So it was because of people like Kaidan's suffering that Shepard had a working implant, period. There were hundreds of L2s out there dealing with everything from migraines to crippling insanity, while L3 biotics like Shepard were bitching if they got an infection around their amp jack. It really put things in perspective, he realized.

"It took some time to adapt to it," Kaidan admitted. "At first, the Conatix scientists used to tell us that the side effects were a normal part of the integration process, and would disappear in time. So they basically encouraged us to train harder in order to get used to the implant faster."

A pained look crossed his features as he remembered the result of these ill-advised recommendations. "Of course, that only ended putting too much strain on the implants that were already not quite functioning properly, and making some of the damages permanent instead."

The most frustrating part in all of this was that, while Conatix had been forced to fold after the BAaT program was shut down, they'd never really had to face any serious charges. And now, many biotic extremists preferred to hold the Alliance directly responsible instead. He couldn't deny that the Alliance had made mistakes; giving so much power to a private company without proper supervision probably being the biggest of them.

But for all their faults, the Alliance had thankfully learned from those mistakes, and come up with more viable solutions like the Ascension Project. He knew that it would never make up for what many of the less fortunate L2s had suffered… But seeking revenge for the past by attacking an organization that now held strong ethical standards regarding how biotics should be treated seemed a bit senseless. Though it was true that not all of them had managed to stay sane, unfortunately; many of which now needed to be stopped before they could bring harm to themselves or others.

"So I guess the hardest part was watching what some of the other kids ended up having to go through… Like I said, I got lucky. I've learned to identify what generally triggers the headaches, and avoid it whenever possible. There's also a few things that I can do to get some relief… Ash's head massage last night was surprisingly effective."

"Well well, I'm glad to hear Chief Williams is helping you out," Shepard said, the barest hint of a grin playing across his lips. He could tell that talking about Conatix was a painful memory for the Lieutenant, so he took the opportunity for the subject change the moment it presented itself. As curious as he was, he wasn't going to push the matter when it was clear that it was making him uncomfortable. He couldn't even imagine how painful it must have been for Kaidan – simultaneously dealing with his own side effects and watching the kids around him fare the same, if not worse. But rather than feeling pity for him, he was overcome with a new sense of respect for the Lieutenant. It must have taken an inordinate amount of bravery and strength to overcome that kind of pain, both physically and psychologically.

He looked down at the barely eaten sandwich still clutched in his hand, mulling it over for a moment before he finally looked up again. "Lieutenant, I admire you," he said abruptly, before a somewhat awkward look crossed his face when he realized he'd said it out loud. He scrambled to clarify, realizing how odd the comment sounded out of context. "When I think about the other L2s I've heard about, a part of me feels sorry for them… They've taken all of their pain and suffering and turned it into revenge against the people that are trying to help them. But you're different. You've taken the pain you went through and moved on, using it to become stronger and to do good things. And I admire that."

"I, uh… Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan said, averting his eyes for a moment and feeling the heat rushing to his neck, hoping that it wouldn't get all the way to his cheeks. If he was blushing, Shepard at least had the kindness not to comment on it.

"I did get some help, though," he clarified, taking the opportunity to remind the Commander that no one should be expected to face all of their problems on their own. "Without it, I probably wouldn't be where I am today." Or anywhere at all…

Amusement twitched at the corners of Shepard's mouth, but he was gracious enough not to laugh. He hadn't realized how easy it was to get Kaidan flustered, but the Lieutenant was already blushing. He must not have been used to receiving such personal compliments from a superior officer. That seemed the most likely explanation; most of the Commanders that Shepard had served with during his early Alliance career were hard-asses who were far more likely to yell at him for looking at them funny than lend him kind words and company. Though that wasn't to say that Shepard was all compliments and coddling; he knew when to crack the whip when it was required of him. But the Normandy had a good crew, and considering the heavy nature of their current mission… He was perfectly fine with holding back so long as everyone kept their heads in the game. And with the dangers they were soon to face, the least he could do was lend an ear and a few kind words to the people he expected to follow him into battle.

"Yeah, I—" Shepard was cut off, however, when his omnitool suddenly flashed to life and began beeping, the shrill noise cutting through the relative silence of the room. He tapped the interface to stop the sound, bringing up the message window and sweeping his eyes over it. He gave a soft curse, before deactivating the glowing orange interface. "Sorry, Lieutenant, duty calls. Hackett's waiting on vid-comm."

He got to his feet, pausing long enough to down most of the protein shake and take a few more bites of the sandwich – he left the rest for later, though by how much he couldn't be sure. He paused before he could bolt out of the room, however, turning back to Kaidan. "And… thank you. For everything."

Kaidan nodded and smiled back at him. "When you've got time later today or tomorrow, come find me. There's something else I'd like to talk to you about," he said quickly, not wanting to be responsible for having kept Admiral Hackett waiting.

Shepard gave him a quick nod, before the door slid shut behind him.

---

The rest of the day was refreshingly uneventful. Enough so that Kaidan had found the time to get back to the crew's quarters and catch up a few hours of the sleep he'd missed earlier. Thankfully, there had been no nightmares this time around.

He'd then spent the rest of the afternoon completing his regular duties and training with Liara in the storage area. It had been a very... interesting experience, to say the least. Liara had insisted on trying to teach him how to create and maintain a biotic singularity. As a result he'd managed to lift and throw a bunch of empty crates simultaneously in opposite directions; but, try as he might, he couldn't manage to conjure up that dark energy sphere and gravitational pull.

The harder he tried, the faster the crates flew instead, forcing the young asari to maintain a dark energy field around them in order to avoid getting hit by them. And the more frustrated he was getting with his failed attempts, the more fun Liara seemed to be getting out of it. Apparently, it reminded her of her own early training days. They'd eventually had to stop when they'd started running out of crates, and the exhaustion had begun settling in.

Kaidan had to admit that he had enjoyed it… Being able to relax and cut loose on his powers a little bit, while Liara had ensured that no one got hurt.

He'd taken a long and warm shower afterwards, trying to soothe the tension and weariness in his muscles. He'd then put on a pair of blue sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt, coming out of the men's restroom while trying to rub the excess water out of his hair.

Catching sight of Shepard making his way towards the mess, he immediately dropped the towel on his shoulders and sprinted towards him, his bare feet making a slight smacking sound on the floor. So much for being discreet.

As Shepard turned around, probably having heard him running, he offered him a warm smile and stopped right in front of him, completely oblivious to the water still dropping from his disheveled hair, a few loose strands sticking to his forehead.

"Do you have time to talk now, Commander?" he asked – though it suddenly occurred to him that it was getting pretty late, and that most of the crew had already retired to their sleeping quarters. Considering that Shepard obviously hadn't slept very well the night before, either, he realized he should probably just excuse himself and let him go…

Shepard stared at him for a moment longer than he probably should have, in retrospect. He'd become so accustomed to seeing the other man with his hair in the same style, slicked back out of his face, that it took him a few embarrassing seconds to recognize him at all. His black hair was tangled and damp and swept across his forehead, and Shepard realized that it had to have been at least an inch longer than regulation cut. Not that he cared, really.

Oh, hell. His shirt is see-through. Shepard kept his eyes averted upwards, stifling the awkward look that threatened to cross his face when he realized that Kaidan was still damp from having showered, and that his white t-shirt was doing a fantastic job of sticking to his skin like wet paper.

"Uh… Of course," he managed, correcting himself as best he could without looking too much like he was staring. He covered quickly, walking over to the table in the mess and pulling out a chair, the legs scraping across the steel floor. "Have a seat," he said, gesturing to the chair across from him before he sat down, crossing his arms on the tabletop in front of him. "What's up, Lieutenant?"

"If it's a bad time or you're feeling tired, we could always talk tomorrow," he offered, still sitting down nevertheless. Shepard had looked kind of uneasy and distracted for a few moments there, and Kaidan was afraid that it was because he didn't want to be impolite and turn him down. Lower deck rumors said that Hackett had asked him to go investigate a geth incursion in the Armstrong Nebula, since they were already close by. He probably had a lot on his plate already.

Shepard quickly shook his head – maybe a little more quickly than he should have, but still. "No, no. Now is fine. We're going to be in the Armstrong Nebula by morning hours so this is about the only time to talk," he said with a crooked smile. "So shoot. What's on your mind?"

"Uh… Okay," Kaidan said, hesitating for a second there. From looking a bit uncomfortable a few moments earlier, Shepard now seemed very eager to have this conversation. Not that it didn't please him! On the contrary, he was really glad that the Commander was willing to devote some more of his time to him.

He also realized that he probably should have rehearsed what he was going to say before getting there. Somehow "the lack of support we are receiving from higher-ups is making me worried that they might end up taking advantage of your trust, and letting you carry the entire responsibility for some of the tough calls that we might be forced to make in order to fulfill our mission" didn't sound quite right, and could be interpreted as a lack of trust in his leadership abilities.

And that was the last thing that he wanted Shepard to think. He had complete faith in his judgment, and had seen enough to know that the Commander was the kind of person that always tried to do the right thing. He was also under the impression that he had a tendency to be unable to say no to people asking for his help, and a willingness to sacrifice himself if need be… And that worried him.

He trusted Shepard, but ultimately, he just didn't trust other people's intentions towards him. The Council, the Ambassador… Even the Alliance. They all had a public image to uphold and their people's trust to maintain. Letting someone like Shepard take the fall if things went horribly wrong along the way might be a lot more tempting than openly admitting their own mistakes.

"We've played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup," he finally began to say, hoping that it wouldn't sound too bad. "We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying, try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do and I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."

He looked down at his hands, fidgeting a bit nervously with his fingers. "I-I don't want to send any bad signals. Just… uh… working on what I've picked up. You tell me if I'm going too far."

Shepard's brows knitted in worry – he couldn't quite tell what Kaidan's angle was just yet, but it was clear something was perturbing him. Being completely open and honest with a superior officer was obviously still a foreign concept for him, and no amount of insistence on Shepard's part was going to make that awkward discomfort go away just yet. "You have an issue with how things are going?" he asked, posture straightening somewhat to show that the Lieutenant had his full attention.

"I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard. Let me be clear about that," he said, hoping that his Commander would believe him. Especially after everything that Shepard had been through. "It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?" Yeah, because he really had the feeling that he was being incredibly clear right now.

"Talk to me, Kaidan," Shepard said, keeping his tone open and welcoming, in hopes that he might be able to get the Lieutenant to relax a bit. He really wished he would just come right out and say what he needed to say. He didn't care if it was "insubordinate" – if that's what Kaidan really thought, he wanted to know. Truth was always more important than respect, no matter how critical. "You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head."

Kaidan had to chuckle a bit at that, especially considering that he was probably still looking a little drenched from his earlier shower. "I'll try to keep the deck dry," he said with a small lopsided grin, his amusement twinkling in his eyes; then grew serious again. The best way to illustrate his thoughts was probably to come up with a concrete example.

Unfortunately, the only one he had in mind right now was a bit on the personal side… To tell the truth, he didn't even know if he was still supposed to be openly talking about this. It was meant to be classified information, after all. But he supposed that Shepard did have full Spectre clearance status in Council space, and he would keep what he was going to say to himself. At least, he trusted him as much.

"You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero?" he said, waiting for Shepard to give him a little nod before continuing. "They're all classified. Because the Alliance… made mistakes." He sighed, running a hand through his damp hair. "After First Contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in 'experts' instead of taking it slow."

Shepard frowned a bit – he wasn't as well versed in the history of biotics, which was a little bit embarrassing considering the fact that he was one. He knew the basic political mumbo-jumbo and the information that anyone with an extranet connection could look up, but there were specifics that he just hadn't ever bothered to learn considering how sudden and unwelcome his powers had been. He'd never really made it a point to learn it all because it had never really concerned him. Kaidan, on the other hand, was obviously very intimate with the system, unlike Shepard. He got the distinct impression he was in for a history lesson. "Is there some reason we couldn't learn it on our own?"

"They didn't know where to start," Kaidan said with a sigh. "Hell, it took a couple of years to even link biotics and eezo." Once they did, they hadn't wasted time, though. "Forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs." He supposed that this whole mess had begun with good intentions… Even if those good intentions had quickly flown out the window the minute the company had decided that what mattered most was getting strong results to show the full potential of their implants, and inflate their profits. "And their choice of teachers didn't help much," he added, a slightly troubled look crossing his features.

It wasn't hard for Shepard to put two and two together. "The only experts would have to be alien," he said, voice quiet. Why try to learn it themselves when they had a multitude of alien species who had firsthand experience? Though judging by the somber tone and the look on Kaidan's face, that decision clearly hadn't gone over very well. This story was quite a bit deeper than he was letting on, but Shepard knew better than to push him.

"Dead on," Kaidan said with a nod. "Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it a secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think. Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them."

Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise. He wasn't sure what was more shocking – the idea that they had gone to the turians right after the war, or that there were turian biotics, period. In the years he'd travelled, serving with the Alliance and coming into contact with all sorts of aliens, he had yet to see a turian with biotic abilities. He had always just assumed that they didn't exist. "The asari would have been more acceptable than the turians," he finally said, confusion lacing his words. Asari were born with biotic abilities and spent their entire lives honing them. They knew far more about those abilities than any known race in the galaxy, as far as they were aware – so why the hell would the Alliance turn to a minority like the turians?

"Yes, but the company didn't go through the Citadel. It would have made Earth look weak," Kaidan answered, remembering how important it had been for humanity back then to try to prove that they could hold their own. In many ways, it still was, but they weren't as desperate to do so. "So they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries."

The surprised look on Shepard's face came back. Mercenaries? Teaching kids? He didn't see a happy ending for this story. He wasn't going to make any assumptions, however – it was up to Kaidan to share that with him if he deemed it necessary. "Get your knuckles rapped a few times, Lieutenant?"

He realized in retrospect how insensitive he sounded, but he didn't feel the need to outright ask him what had gone wrong. A small part of him hoped that things hadn't been as bad as they suddenly seemed now that he was piecing it together. But judging by the look on Kaidan's face, that hoping wasn't going to get him a positive answer.

"Yeah, you could say that," Kaidan said sadly… If only things had been that easy.

"Our instructor was a turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus. When he introduced himself he liked to say 'I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father,'" he said, doing his best impression of the turian's accent, realizing at the same time that old habits were hard to break. The kids back then had enjoyed mocking Vyrnnus when they were sure that no one was listening. That was pretty much the only revenge that they could get on their tormentor; trying to act as if he was some comical fool, instead of the guy that enjoyed putting them through hell on a daily basis, going as far as using thirst and hunger as incentives. Even to this day, it appeared that doing so brought him an odd sense of comfort.

"I told him my dad wasn't in the war – he'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront," he explained quietly. "Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners; pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a Superman, or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped," he said, doing his best to keep most of the pain out of his voice. "A few died," he finally added shakily, remembering how lost and scared he'd felt each time that he'd learned about one more of his comrades dying either as a result of an overworked implant, heart failure, or some other type of physical problem arising from the fact that they hadn't had access to the required amount of water and nourishment. Or then again, from giving in to despair after being cut off from their homes, with no way to call for help. Seeing death as the only means of escape.

Shepard watched him as he spoke, looking for the telling signs – expression turned downwards, brow knitting, corners of his mouth turning downwards in a subtle frown, fingers clenching into fists against the tabletop. He couldn't imagine how scared he must have been, trapped in a situation like that. Unable to call for help, watching as his friends died and wondering if he was going to be next. He felt his heart going out to him – he had an idea of what that felt like, watching the people around him die and not being able to do anything about it. Sitting on the edge and staring into the abyss, scared and wondering if he'd be the next to tip forwards. "Did he ever face charges for that?" he asked quietly, leaning forward on his elbows and finding himself hoping that there was a happy answer to that question.

Kaidan's expression tensed ever so slightly. "He got his, yeah. But like everything else at Jump Zero, it was under the table. The less said, the better." And sometimes, he had to wonder if that hadn't been worse… With Vyrnnus' death, the Turian Hierarchy had insisted that the whole incident be kept a secret; claiming that making it public would only serve to damage human/turian relations, and that sullying one of their own people's reputation following his death would serve no purpose.

As a result, he'd always felt that many of Vyrnnus' surviving victims had lacked something essential to be able to make peace with what had happened to them, and move on. Without any public acknowledgement from the Alliance for what they had suffered, without open recognition of the crimes that they had been subjected to, many of them had never found any sense of closure.

And even though he'd eventually had come to terms with that, Kaidan had always felt that it had been his fault. That ultimately, he'd not only had Vyrnnus' blood on his hands, but some of his friends' as well.

He took a deep breath, trying to push those thoughts away. It was beside the point anyway, and Shepard already had enough problems to deal with.

"The point of all this I guess, is if you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

Shepard got the distinct feeling that there was a lot more to this speech than just a history lesson on Jump Zero. "So why are you telling me this?" he asked, pinning Kaidan with a knowing look. It was obvious he wanted to come right out and say something to him, but was trying to do so in a roundabout way – probably as a means of trying to speak his mind without directly antagonizing his Commander. "Are you saying I'm cutting corners somewhere?"

He kept his voice from sounding accusatory. While no superior really enjoyed being told by their subordinates that they were doing something wrong, he was at least open minded enough to accept all forms of criticism. He hoped that was clear to Kaidan, because the last thing he needed was for his crew to have to beat around the bush to deliver their opinions.

His first instinct was to shake his head no and try to defend himself from ever having thought something like that, but Kaidan quickly realized that Shepard didn't appear to be insulted, or even on the defensive. He was only trying to understand, and he couldn't help but think that he probably wasn't making much sense right now.

"I'm saying…" he said, pausing to choose his words carefully, "…it's probably inevitable that we'll have to. And when that happens, I want to help you." If Shepard was ever forced to make some choices that ended up costing him more than it should, he didn't want him to have to carry the burden of those decisions on his own. Not if there was anything that he could have done to protect or support him.

"When someone important to you is on a ledge, you help them," he added, eyes soft, and looking back at Shepard meaningfully. "Try to keep them from making mistakes..." …and give them something solid to hold on to and steady themselves, or at the very least get a safety net ready to catch them if they should fall.

Shepard stared at him for a moment, expression indiscernible. "Important, huh?" he managed to ask, lips quirking into a somewhat awkward smirk. He tried to keep his tone lighthearted and teasing, but it was difficult when he suddenly had a lump caught in his throat.

He felt weird. Like someone had reached inside of him and grabbed his stomach and given it a good twist. He didn't know why; he just knew that it felt uncomfortable but not entirely unpleasant. And the look on Kaidan's face, that gentle understanding in his eyes – he knew he wasn't just saying it for the sake of saying it. He meant it. And Shepard didn't know what to think about that.

"I care about you, Shepard," Kaidan admitted sincerely, somewhat surprised to hear himself say it. The words had been out of his mouth before he could think about whether or not it was an appropriate thing to tell his superior officer. But it was true; he did care about him. A lot. The more they got to know each other, the more Kaidan felt his appreciation and respect for the other man grow. Shepard made him feel safe and accepted, and he was grateful for it. So, in hindsight, there probably wasn't much harm in telling him that his friendship was important to him, and that he had his back.

"The mission's already pretty tough and likely to get worse. I'd like to make things easier, if I can," he added, trying to let him know that he could always count on him. "Just… think about what I said."

"I will. And… thank you, Kaidan. I appreciate how open you've been with me," Shepard said with a slight smile, still fighting with the awkward feeling settling in the pit of his gut. This was perfectly normal, right? He'd always tried to make a habit of becoming at least somewhat familiar with his crew, but… this was the first time someone had come out and told him he was important to them. A small part of him wanted to feel giddy, like a little kid who had just been told that he had a best friend. He wasn't used to that feeling.

But then the reality would crash down on his shoulders and he'd remember the setting, remember who he was and what they were up against – and the inevitability that friendship in the military was never guaranteed to be permanent. Every battle was a chance that one – or both – of them wouldn't make it back alive. That was something he had to be ready to accept at all times, regardless of whether or not he considered the men and women following his orders to be his friends or just teammates, business as usual. But that wouldn't stop him from enjoying it while it was still there… even if it made the idea of loss that much more unbearable.

It was a long time before Shepard would even consider the idea of friendship with his subordinates. He'd lost so many teammates on Akuze, many of them as close to him as he felt to Kaidan right then. The downward spiral following the disaster had been painful, dark, never-ending – and a part of him realized that if he hadn't been so close to those men and women, maybe he could have walked away unscathed. Moved on, gotten past the trauma and the fear and the loss.

He'd isolated himself after that, keeping a very bold line between teamwork and friendship. It had reached the point that every crew he'd served with was scared of him, scared away by the walls he'd built up to keep from ever having to feel that kind of loss again. And it had worked, for a while. They'd called him a hard ass, a stoic leader with a no-nonsense attitude, refusing to take crap from anyone – enemies and allies alike. Unapproachable. Unyielding.

But there was no camaraderie. No trust. They shared the same ship name but that was as far as it went. They may as well have been loose associations of mercenaries and thieves, decked in Alliance blue.

It was a slow transition, trying to regain that open attitude he'd used to hold, before Akuze had happened. There were several awkward hit and misses, subordinates who viewed his attempts to get to know them as a means of trapping them into saying or doing something incriminating. So the tables had flipped from Shepard pushing everyone away, to him being the one being pushed – and that had been a difficult hurdle to jump over. But now that he was on the Normandy, getting to know these people, where they came from, what made them tick… he didn't regret making that decision. Especially now that he was sitting here, across from a man who'd just told him he was important. Not as the symbol the Alliance had turned him into, or as a leader and a superior officer, or even as a fellow soldier. As a friend. An equal.

And… he liked that feeling.

They sat in silence for a few moments longer, before Shepard finally moved, pushing back his chair and lifting into a stand with a grunt. "I'm going to try to get some rest before we make the drop for the next mission. Wouldn't hurt for you to do the same; I want to see you in the armory at 0800," he said, tone official despite the hint of a smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.

He gave Kaidan an informal goodnight salute, two fingers to his temple, before walking out of the mess and disappearing into his cabin.