"Lucas, can we talk to you about something?" I asked.

"Si, mama. Que pasa?" he asked back.

"Dean and I have something to tell you," I replied. Dean and I exchanged glances.

"I love your mom very much," Dean started.

"And I love you Dean very much," I added to the conversation. Wow, here we go. I really hoped that Lucas was okay with news we had to tell him. Part of me knew that he'd be okay with it because he loved Dean, but I still couldn't help but be nervous.

"I asked your mom, last night, to marry me," Dean said.

"Mijo, Dean me pidio que yo casara con el, (Son, Dean asked me to marry him)" I replied.

"So we'll be una familia?" Lucas asked.

"Si," I replied.

"Si," Dean added.

Lucas smiled, "Okay."

Dean and I exchanged glances, "That's all? No preguntas?"

"No. You already live here and I know that you love my mommy. And you have a cool car and we if you marry my mommy we can drive in it all the time. Can we go to school now?" Lucas asked.

"Uh sure," I replied, looking at Dean, and laughing a little at his response. His response was so innocent and childlike.

Dean shrugged, "Well that was easy."

"Yeah," I replied.

I finished up my post-ops and turned my charts in for the morning. I wasn't going to have surgery until two so I felt pretty accomplished that I had finished my morning jobs. I'd probably have to go down to the clinic. It had been a couple of weeks since Dean had proposed and we had told Lucas. I passed Dr. Stevens in the hallway.

"Dr. Stevens," I started.

"Dr. Montgomery, long time no see," he said.

"Yeah, ever since you became chief," I started.

"I've been stuck in that damn office. I can't wait to get back into that OR," Dr. Stevens said. I chuckled. I completely understood.

"Well whenever you can, I have a couple of cardio patients that you could take from me. I'm pretty booked up but everyone's taken care of and I'm almost done with post-ops. I think this is the first morning that I've had free time," I said.

"Free time. Hah, it feels like a foreign subject to me, nowadays. I'd check out the clinic if I were you until your next surgery. And thank you Montgomery. If I'm really itchin' for a surgery, I'll let you know," he said back.

I chuckled, "Okay I'll see you later chief. I think I'll go down to the clinic."

"Alright, see you, Montgomery," Dr. Stevens said.

I began to walk down to the clinic until my pager started going off. I pulled it from my pocket and read it. It read: pit, ASAP. I hurried down to the pit and noticed that I was the only one called in. I stepped outside where we waited for the ambulances. Just then, I saw Dean sitting on the bench. I gave him a look.

"What're you doing here?" I asked.

"Nothing, what're you doing here?" he asked back, smugly. He was definitely up to something. I looked at him suspiciously.

"I got paged down here, why do you ask?" I asked, skeptically.

"No you didn't," he replied, standing up and pushing me against the wall.

I giggled, "Dean what're you doing?" Then I gasped. I then caught on. "You paged me here didn't you?"

"Mhm," he replied, nodding. He kissed me passionately, his hands going to my waist. He then showed me a clear box with a cupcake in it.

"Ooh," I said, taking the box, and smiling.

"Someone forgot to mention it was their birthday this Friday," Dean said. I pulled away from the kiss.

"How'd you find out?" I asked back.

"I have my ways," he shrugged. I smiled at him.

"Well let's not make too big of a deal out of it anyways. My birthdays have usually consisted of Lucas making my cereal in bed, and the going out to dinner with Holden and Lucas if I was off work. Low key," I informed in hopes that he'd take it as a note.

"Yeah, I know. Lucas has been telling me all about it," Dean replied.

"Ah so he's the culprit," I said.

"If he asks, it wasn't me that told," Dean replied.

I sighed and chuckled, "What am I going to do with you two?"

And at that moment, something terrible happened. I heard the sounds of the ambulance sirens as the ambulance pulled up to the side of the curb.

"Anderson Cooper, age eight, collapsed in his house from cardiac arrest," the paramedic said, rushing the hospital bed outside of the ambulance. I was frozen and could barely move. I was paralyzed in fear. I knew this day would come some day and I just couldn't believe that that day was today. And just then, something kicked in and I was doing everything I could. I was asking questions, checking health signs.

"Let's get him to the trauma room. Someone page Dr. McConnell!" I shouted in panic.

"Are you alright?" Dean asked, coming with me.

"Yeah, I uh, I'm alright. Look, I've gotta go. I love you," I said, kissing him quickly.

"I love you too," he replied. I followed the paramedics who were rushing the bed into ER. I could tell that Dean was worried about me.

I waited and waited and waited. I didn't want to have to tell the Coopers this but I knew they were anticipating the news and making them wait any longer would be even more painful. I had to say it, no matter how hard it was for me.

"We stabilized him but there is no way we could go into surgery like this. He needs a new heart now and UNOS still hasn't gotten back to us. We uh, at this moment, I don't think there's anything we can do," I finally said, tears in my eyes. This was one of the hardest things I had to ever say. "We're so, so sorry."

"If there's anything we can do-," Adam started.

"I'm uh, we don't really know what to say," Mrs. Cooper said, her eyes going back and forth as if she was searching for answers.

"How much time does he have?" Mr. Cooper asked, tears in his voice. Both parents were crying now.

"I um, we think only a few hours," I replied.

"Once he wakes up, you are going to want to be here," Dr. McConnell said.

"I can't do this," Mr. Cooper said, getting up.

"Allen!" Mrs. Cooper protested, standing up.

"No, Gina, I can't be here for this. I can't, I don't know, I just-," he stammered. He left the room, his wife chasing after him.

"Damn it," I swore. Both Adam and I were upset too. I tried to hold back the tears. I swallowed hard and looked at Adam.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, almost at a whisper.

"We wait for him to wake up," Adam replied.

I nodded, "Okay."

Anderson stirred in his bed and then rubbed his eyes.

"Mom, Dad?" he called out. Adam and I exchanged glances and ran over to his bedside.

"Anderson, sweetie, your mom and dad just went to uh, go get some water. We're here right now," I said, comfortingly, as if I were putting Lucas to bed.

"They'll come back in just a second," Adam reassured. I looked over at him and he just gave me this look that said, 'I don't know what else to say'. I nodded.

"We're here though," I reassured. Just then, Adam's pager went off, "I have surgery. Will you be okay here?"

"Can't someone else cover it?" I asked, panicked. I couldn't do this myself.

He shook his head, "I don't think so, no. It's just a short procedure. I promise, I'll be back in time."

"He doesn't have time, Adam!" I demanded angrily. I could see it in Adam's eyes that he was truly sorry. I pulled back and took a deep breath. "Yes, I can. But please, don't be long."

Adam left the room and now it was only me. God, how was I going to do this? What would happen if he died and his parents didn't come back?

"It's so cold, Dr. Montgomery," Anderson whimpered. His voice was weak and the sound of it made me want to crumple into a ball on the floor.

"Here, I uh," I started but there were no extra blankets. That wouldn't help him either. Anderson then began to cry.

"I need my mom! I need her to hold me! Where's my mommy?" he cried. I could barely contain myself.

"She'll be back," I reassured in a soft, soothing voice. God, I couldn't promise that! I did the first thing that came to mine. I climbed into the hospital bed and propped Anderson up against me. I'd hold him until his mother came back.

"It's so cold, Dr. Montgomery," he said, clutching my arm. I couldn't stop the tears now. They were streaming out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I didn't want to alarm Anderson though and let him know that I was crying.

"I know, sweetie. Here, let's uh, let's talking about something else. How are you math problems going?" I asked, trying to distract him. I sniffled and hoped that he was catching on to the fact that I was crying. I needed to be brave and strong for him. He was such a brave kid…

"Good," he replied. "I wear my scrubs every day as pjs. My mom says I can't wear them every day but I can wear them to go to sleep in."

"That's great! A true doctor wears their scrubs every day," I replied, chuckling a little.

The conversation kept going, and Anderson was just getting sleepier and sleepier. I wasn't even quite sure how long it had been. Minutes? Hours? It had felt like time had stopped but I could tell that it had been a long time. The heart monitor's beat was slowing down. I couldn't bear to listen to it. I swallowed hard and let another round of tears stream down my face. I wiped them away quickly and just talked to Anderson.

"I'm so tired," Dr. Montgomery," he said, nestling against me.

"I know but if you could hold on for just a little bit longer," he said.

"I'm so-," he started. He stopped talking and my eyes widened in alarm. I panicked but the heart monitor was still going.

"Dr. Montgomery?" a voice asked. Just then, I saw Anderson's parents in the door way.

"You two better be back for good because your son is about to die and he wants his parents to hold him," I said, angry tears in my eyes. Mrs. Cooper's hand went to her mouth as she rushed over to her son. She climbed into the hospital bed on the other side and held her son. She stroked his head and began to sing him a song.

"Oh God," Mr. Cooper gasped, sitting down on the bed and holding his son's very cold hand.

Just then, Adam joined us too. He sat on the opposite side of Mr. Cooper holding Anderson's other hand.

"What-, what do I do?" Mrs. Cooper asked, desperate.

"I don't know… sing to him maybe? A lullaby," I suggested. It was the first thing to come to my head. She nodded and sniffled, collecting herself so that she could sing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away," Mrs. Cooper sang. We were all a mess by then.

"Mommy?" Anderson asked.

"Yes, baby," Mrs. Cooper replied, tearful.

"I love you, Mommy," he replied.

"I love you too, baby," she said, losing it.

"And tell Daddy I love him too," Anderson replied.

"I'm right here," Mr. Cooper said, giving his hand a good squeeze.

"Dr. Montgomery, Dr. McConnell? Thank you," Anderson said.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, not knowing what else to say. I couldn't save him. I promised myself that I would and I couldn't save him. "I'm so sorry."

And then the heart monitor went flat. Anderson was dead.

"Oh my God," Mrs. Cooper said, crying hysterically. I felt like I needed to hold it together for the family but I was ready to lost my mind. I got up and turned the heart monitor off. His father took my place on the hospital bed. I felt like a ghost. I wasn't even controlling my actions anymore. I felt… dead.

"Call it, Montgomery," Adam replied.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.

"Time of death, 17: 24," Adam announced. He swallowed hard and looked down.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. And Mr. Cooper," I said.

"Thank you for everything you've done, Dr. Montgomery and Dr. McConnell," Mrs. Cooper said before I finally left the room.

Once Adam and I were out of the room, I lost it. I was crying hysterically and even Adam was upset. I was starting to make a huge scene so Adam pulled me into the supply closet.

"Shh, it's okay," he said.

"No it's not. He's dead, Adam," I whimpered.

"I know," Adam replied, tears in his voice. He pulled me close and just let me cry.

I stood in the doorway of our bedroom and watched as Dean pulled his shirt over his head. He turned around, noticing that I was there. I leaned up against the doorway and smiled weakly. My cheeks were tear-stained and I could tell that I was still blotchy from crying.

"Hi," I finally said, weakly.

"Hi," Dean replied, seeing me. His face changed as soon as he saw that I was upset. "Baby, are you okay?" He walked towards me, shirtless.

"Anderson, he uh, he died today," I finally answered, swallowing hard.

"Oh my God," Dean said, pulling me into his arms. I could feel the warmth of his chest permeate through my shirt. I just closed my eyes and let him hold me.

"It's um, I'm alright," I managed to stammer out.

"No, no, I know how close you were to him. Are you okay?" Dean asked.

"I'm fine," I said, short.

"Is there anything I can do?" Dean asked, concerned.

I shook my head, "No, I think I'm just going to take a shower. Is Lucas in bed?"

"Yep, he fell asleep about an hour ago," Dean replied.

I smiled, weakly, "Okay, great."

I then slipped into the bathroom. I turned the hot water on and stripped down to nothing. I stepped into the shower and let the hot, steaming water pour over my body. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was exhausted and honestly didn't know how I felt anymore. I was devastated but it was almost as if I could feel anything anymore; I was numb. Suddenly, I felt the feeling of a pair of hands massaging my shoulders. My eyes sprang open and I jumped, only to see Dean standing behind me.

"I need to shower too," he smirked.

I nodded, "I know."

I then leaned in and kissed him. I wasn't quite sure why I didn't want him to know how upset I was. Obviously he could tell but this death had taken a bigger toll on me than any other patients I had lost. It probably had to do something with the fact that he was a. a kid, b. we got close and c. he died in my arms. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as Dean pulled me closed, pressing his wet, naked body against mine. I wanted to feel. It wasn't exactly pain I was feeling… it was more that I could feel. It was the kind of pain that numbed you until you wanted to scream so I embraced the current moment with Dean in pursuit of feelings.

The kiss began to heat up and I just went with it. Dean lifted me up, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist. I did so, and he began to leave a trail of wet, sloppy kisses down my neck. I leaned my head back, my head hitting the wall of the shower trying not to focus on the terrible day I had had and to focus on the pleasure.

"Are you sure you're okay doing this?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied, breathing heavily. I wanted everything to be okay so I just pretended that everything was okay.

"Okay," Dean replied although I could partially tell that he was unsure about what we were about do. I moaned out as Dean entered me and our rhythms began to match each others'. I used sex to push Anderson's death from my mind. I wasn't thinking anything. I just closed my eyes and let Dean do what he needed to do. And Dean was good. He knew just what to do, what pushed me over the edge. I didn't have to think about it anymore… Just Dean and what he did to me.

Dean kissed my neck as he moved in and out of me at a fast past. I moaned, my head thrown back against the wall, giving him better access to my neck. His hands groped my body as mine explored his.

"Dean," I groaned. It felt good to feel. It wasn't the same disconnect that I had been feeling earlier. I felt good but it was different than most times. I was distant.

"You're so sexy, baby. What you do to me…" Dean trailed off.

We moaned each others' names as we came and then it was over. We were done and I went back to the numb. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, why?" I asked back.

"Nothing. Did you… come?" he asked, unsure.

"Yeah," I replied, breathing heavily. I looked to the side wall and avoided his glance. I couldn't look at him because he'd know that something was wrong.

"Okay," he said, putting me down. Those sweet moments that we had just experienced were gone and I was back in real life. Anderson was dead. He had died in arms. I was alive. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me. "Do you want to just sleep?"

"That'd be great. I'm exhausted," I replied. Dean was not eliciting much of a response from me and I could tell he knew something was wrong.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Not really. I think I just need to sleep it off. Patients die all the time. I'll go into work and start a new day," I lied to myself.

"If there's anything you need," he started.

"I'm fine," I snapped. "Sorry, it's just been a long day.

Later that night I couldn't sleep. I had pretended to be asleep for Dean but once he had fallen asleep, I sat up in bed hugging my knees to my chest. Dean was heavy sleeper so this was easy to get away with. I slipped out of our room and into Lucas' room. I leaned against the doorway and watched my son sleep. And before I knew it, there were tears, just floating down my face once again and I couldn't stop them, no matter how hard I tried.

What if it were Lucas? What if something like that were to happen to Lucas? I couldn't even imagine what it would be like for Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. I was a mess so… had they taken it worse than I had? Were they ok? How could you even possibly picture losing your son? How do you even deal with that kind of pain?

And Anderson was going to have such a bright future. He was going to go places. He wanted to be a doctor! He was a good kid! I was overcome with feelings of rage. What kind of world did we live in? A world that'd kill of such a wonderful, kind, and good person like Anderson. It wasn't fair. I took a deep breath to calm myself down and then slipped back into my bed to go to sleep. I hoped that Dean had slept through the night and didn't know that something was wrong. I wasn't quite sure why, but I didn't want him to know that anything was wrong. Was there something wrong with me?

The next morning I woke up and I was still feeling that odd feeling of distance. I just didn't feel like myself. I went to work and was met by Adam who was holding a cup of coffee for me.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I replied.

"So I was thinking we could do lunch and just uh, talk, if you need to," he started.

"Sounds good but I really don't want to talk about it. Could we maybe talk about something else? I talked about it with Dean and he helped a lot. I don't think I really need to say anything more about it," I lied.

Adam nodded, acceptingly, "Of course." He handed my coffee and I took it. We were really becoming friends. I was still trying to hide my feelings from him but at the same time, being with Adam was easier than Dean. It's not like I was interested in him romantically or anything, he just understood the hospital life more. I was in love with Dean and that would never change, but he just didn't get it.