Worth Living For,
Act I
by Elianda (a.k.a. Cygnonymous & TheLostGirl21)
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
SUMMARY: After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.
WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.
Chapter 5
"Well?"
Shepard stood by the parked Mako, watching as Garrus used it as a vantage point to scout the valley below through the scope of his sniper rifle. He couldn't see his expression – Casbin was a pre-oxygen planet, necessitating breather helmets and short-range radio communication if they didn't want to have to shout through several layers of ablative armoring and polycarbonate. At most he could see the light flash across Garrus' tinted visor as his head moved, but that wasn't enough to discern his intentions.
"Three snipers, four rocket troopers," Garrus finally replied, before shouldering his rifle with a click and dropping back to the ground next to Shepard and Kaidan, using the rungs on the side of the Mako to keep himself steady as he landed on his feet. "They'll probably sound an alarm when we attack, so whatever we do, we've got to do it quick."
"All right. Garrus, set up a nest and provide cover fire from up here," Shepard ordered, receiving a nod from the turian before he turned to Kaidan. "Kaidan, stay at mid-range and run interference on the geth. Disable as many as you can – tech, biotics, whatever works. I'm going to run in close and draw fire. I'm trusting you two to bring them down while they're distracted. Got it?"
He received a nod from Garrus, followed by a quick "yes, sir" from Kaidan. Garrus immediately broke away from the group, heading around the rise of grassy land they were perched on in search of a decent sniper's nest. Once he'd settled in and radioed a confirmation to the other two team members, they made their way down into the basin, drawing closer to the geth base with their weapons drawn – Shepard with a shotgun in hand, Kaidan an assault rifle.
They paused behind cover – a large outcropping of broken, moss-covered rock – Shepard holding up a hand to signal everyone to hold position. His eyes swept across the building in front of them, picking out moving figures patrolling the perimeter in set patterns. He couldn't see the snipers, though he could see the tall sniper nests ringing the border and could only assume that was where they were. His thoughts were confirmed when he saw the telltale swivel of a red targeting laser sweep from the depths of one of the nests, arcing around the perimeter but not landing on anything in particular.
They sat in silence for several long, tense seconds, Shepard frozen in spot as he watched the rocket troopers moving about, seemingly waiting in rigid preparation for an opportunity to arise. It wasn't until the troopers hit a certain formation in their patrolling pattern – two of them passing right by one another, and a third only a few steps away – that Shepard moved.
"Now!"
The movement was familiar to him, almost as involuntary as breathing as he took two running steps forward, biotic energy surging through his body. And then the rush hit, and the world slowed, and all he could hear was his heart beating and his breath leaving his lungs, harsh and jagged. Pure energy ripped through his body and it roared through him, with him, throwing him forward, shoulder low and brought to bear as he channeled the waterfall of biotic energy through his body like trying to force a steel cable through the eye of a needle.
And then the blurring around the edges of his vision sharpened and he slammed shoulder first into the nearest geth trooper, unleashing a pulse of biotic energy so powerful that the geth crashed into its comrade, sending the two down into a pile of broken and tangled pieces. He didn't even pause to breathe, to assess his situation – he immediately whirled and fired two rounds of buckshot into the head of the third geth, its lights shattering and dimming as it fell down with a dying screech.
He heard the crack of a sniper rifle somewhere overhead and he immediately dodged behind cover – he looked out to see one of the geth snipers falling from its nest in a broken heap, and he realized then that Garrus had taken that shot. And then another one slammed into the ground as the result of a powerful biotic throw, and he could see the pulsing blue glow coming from Kaidan's position back where he'd left him behind. Good, he thought with a slight grin, I knew it was a good idea to bring those two.
He looked up when he heard a roaring sound overhead, only to hear a familiar shout coming from Kaidan's direction – "Geth dropship!"
They didn't have a chance to collect themselves or regroup – the ship came to bear, swooping low over the open area in front of the base and raining a large group of geth shock troopers to the ground, flattening the grass and sending gusts of burning wind in an arc around the drop zone, thrusters flaring. Shepard immediately dove behind cover once again just in time to hear the sound of plasma shots peppering the ground and protection in front of him. It held, thankfully, and he popped out of cover long enough to fire rounds into the three nearest troopers advancing on his position.
He realized with a curse that the group had split – several of them had turned back and were rushing towards Kaidan's position, and he could see his biotics flaring and pulsing as he threw them back one by one. Every few seconds he could hear Garrus' sniper rifle over the din of the battle, and a random geth amidst the group would crumple, parts breaking apart and spraying across the ground from the high caliber bullets. But it wasn't enough – there were at least six geth attacking Kaidan, and he had another five firing on him.
"Not on my watch, you bastards," Shepard snarled under his breath, before rolling out of cover, taking a running step forward, and barreling a biotic charge directly through the heart of the group, into the cluster on the far side. The release of energy reacted with the lingering effects of Kaidan's biotics – a few well-placed warps, he had to assume – and a massive, crackling explosion tore at least four of the geth into indiscernible pieces.
He didn't stop there, immediately casting a rippling shockwave in the general direction of another cluster of troopers now rounding on him. The biotic shockwave knocked several of them down and stumbled the rest, giving him enough time to fire shots into the group. Good. He'd gotten their attention – now Kaidan and Garrus could focus on interference. He cocked his fist back and landed a hard punch on one of the synthetics that had gotten too close, stumbling it long enough to unload a shotgun shell into its head.
He could feel the heat, so to speak – they were all on him now, and his shield began to shudder under the stream of plasma shots. He could feel the sweat beading on his forehead, dripping down the small of his back, his breathing heavy and sharp in his chest. And for every one that Garrus dropped with a sniper bullet or every one that Kaidan short-circuited or sent flying, another one was on him, the ship continuing to drop them off in a steady stream of cannon fodder.
He stumbled back as a heavy shot slammed into his shields and threw him off balance – he cursed again, before rearing his fist back and slamming his palm into the ground, setting off a biotic nova powerful enough to throw back most of the geth in his immediate vicinity, completely sapping his shield's energy and throwing it into the synthetics currently ganging up on him. He backed away quickly, breathing heavily, reloading his shotgun with hands that trembled from adrenaline. The blood was pounding in his ears so hard that he didn't hear Garrus' warning over his helmet's communicator until the ground suddenly shook underneath him as a loud CRASH resounded somewhere behind him. He whirled around just in time to see that a geth armature and two geth primes had just jumped down from the ship. The armature's cannon sparked and glowed, and Shepard's eyes went wide.
"…Shit."
"SHEPARD!" Garrus shouted over their helmet's intercoms, watching in horror as the armature's cannon became fully charged, ready to discharge its siege pulse upon the Commander, knowing that he would be entirely powerless to stop it.
Even if all three of them were to attack at once, its shields were far too powerful to give them a chance to disable it before its attack.
He was about to avert his eyes from the scene, refusing to watch the man that had been a friend, a leader, and even a mentor to him over the last few weeks die a horrible death, when Shepard was suddenly surrounded by a large barrier of dark energy.
Ha! He should've known better than to believe that either of those two crazy biotic kids would go down so easily!
After all, it's not like he hadn't seen it before… Shepard throwing himself headfirst into the fight, taking out as many enemies as he could with pure destructive biotic impulses and high risk combat skills, while Kaidan kept a close constant watch on him, raising up protective mass effects fields and barriers in the nick of time whenever was needed, or literally throwing enemies off of the other man's back.
Their combined abilities made them a force to be reckoned with, although Garrus had to admit that sometimes, some of the risks that they both took were making him feel a bit uneasy. And coming from a turian, that was saying something!
Personal safety wasn't exactly the turians' first priority as far as combat efficiency was concerned. He'd told Kaidan as much when he'd commented that the turians would probably never have given up on the L2 implants after having witnessed what the Lieutenant had been able to achieve with it. That was the kind of power that could easily tip the outcome of a battle in one's favor, and his people most definitely wouldn't have wanted to give up on it, even if that meant that a few sacrifices would have been required.
But some of these two human biotics' maneuvers in combat, though impressive, had been near suicidal at times. From his vantage point, he'd witnessed quite a few close calls and near misses, or moments where either of them had found themselves entirely vulnerable to enemy fire. Something in his gut kept telling him that this could only end badly…
The moment that Kaidan had seen the armature focus its cannon on Shepard, his heart had nearly stopped.
At first, things had gone relatively well; they'd been swarmed pretty badly, but it hadn't been anything that the three of them couldn't handle. And then, something had changed.
The Commander's attacks had become more violent, chaotic, and reckless. Kaidan was suddenly brought back to his dream, and had to fight the sense of dread and panic that threatened to overwhelm him.
Feeling the comforting weight of the rifle in his hands, the steady currents of biotic energy flowing around him, and the strain in his muscles, he was quickly reminded that in this world, he was far from powerless though. But the more Shepard seemed to insist on drawing all of the enemies' fire upon himself, the more his frustration grew, and the more he became scared that he wouldn't be attentive or fast enough to prevent the worst from happening.
This was completely beyond insane, he thought, and couldn't be allowed to go on. When they got back to the Normandy, he'd definitely have to talk to Shepard about the risks that he kept taking on the battlefield. He didn't care if he got mad at him, or tried to dismiss his concerns by arguing that this was what he'd trained for, as he had the first time that he'd tried bringing it up. If it could potentially convince him to stop giving him freaking heart attacks and to start adapting his style to the rest of his team, then it would be worth it.
That is, if they all made it back to the Normandy in one piece. Surely that drop ship was bound to run out of geth at some point. Hopefully.
He was about to suggest a retreat, at least to give them the chance to gather their strength and quickly review their strategy, when a geth armature had landed next to Shepard, and was now threatening to take him out.
Oh no you don't! A mixture of fear and rage seized him as he immediately dropped his own barrier, using all of his strength to conjure up a mass effect field large enough to ensure that the cannon's blast wouldn't hit him. The effort required to maintain it was tremendous, but Kaidan still held on, the field steadily absorbing the energy from the blast until the geth's weapon was entirely depleted.
"DUCK!" he yelled over their intercoms, before suddenly detonating the field with enough force to take out the armature's shields, leaving it vulnerable to attacks. Now his head hurt, his heart raced, and his legs threatened to give way; but at least, Shepard was safe for the time being.
"Kaidan, ON YOUR SIX!" he heard Garrus call out to him, quickly turning around just in time to see one of the geth primes taking aim, its own shield exploding around it as a result of Garrus' overload.
Before Kaidan had the time to even think about shooting back, jumping out of the way, or trying to get his barrier up again – not that it would have done much good considering the geth's damping abilities – heat exploded in his chest and he was violently thrown back by the force of the impact, the back of his helmet hitting the ground with a loud thud.
"Shepard…" he whispered wetly, feeling the metallic taste filling his mouth, the pain and warmth spreading in his chest, and the dull throbbing in the back of his skull.
'…Please stay safe…' he thought, fighting to keep his hold on reality but quickly failing as the darkness finally claimed him and he lay there, deathly still.
Shepard looked back just in time to see Kaidan go down, and the world around him froze. The armature was stuttering, shieldless and unsteady from whatever biotic detonation Kaidan had set off in front of him, and there was a prime standing over the Lieutenant's prone body, weapon raised. He didn't think, barely breathed – he gave in to instinct at that point, turning and unloading as much power as he could into a biotic throw capable of knocking the massive armature off of its feet, sending it crashing onto its back several yards away with enough force to shake the ground. Then he pivoted, summoned all of the energy pulsing in his body and then some, and charged into the prime so hard that it broke into pieces upon contact.
He was on his knees next to Kaidan without so much as a pause, immediately going to drag his lifeless body behind cover in case the armature was able to untangle itself from its own limbs long enough to fire on them again. He heard the crack of Garrus' sniper rifle again and a screech, and had to assume he'd taken it down while it was stunned – he didn't care though, because right now he was desperately checking Kaidan's vital signs with his omnitool, scanning the orange interface over the puncture wound seeping blood across the chest plate of his armor.
"Garrus, get down here NOW! I need help!" Shepard yelled into the communicator, desperately trying to make heads or tails of the information spilling across the screen of his omnitool. Shit. He was still alive, thank the maker, but his breathing was erratic, his heart rate through the roof. A red warning flashing on his omnitool interface made it abundantly clear that they didn't have time on their sides – his lungs were failing, exposed to the nitrogen and carbon dioxide atmosphere from the gaping wound in his chest.
Shepard acted quickly, activating the first-aid function on his omnitool to forcibly apply medi-gel over the wound to stop the air from killing him before they even had a chance to get him back to the Mako. There was no exit wound, and apart from his right lung the rest of his major organs were intact and undamaged. He would've thanked God for small favors but that wasn't going to matter if they didn't get Kaidan into emergency surgery immediately. He heard the sound of the Mako roaring to life and realized that Garrus was already one step ahead – he was bringing the vehicle down to them.
The Mako screeched to a halt next to their position and the door flung open, allowing the turian to jump out of the driver's seat and race over to the two marines. "Let's get him in the Mako, we can pressurize the interior," he said, voice urgent, before stooping down to help Shepard lift Kaidan's unconscious body from the ground. They managed to get him into the vehicle without any problems, Shepard climbing into the back compartment with him while Garrus got back into the driver's seat. The door snapped shut and the interior began to hiss as it was flooded with oxygen.
Once the systems had give off the familiar automated message signaling a fully pressurized cabin, Shepard yanked off his helmet and tossed it somewhere in the corner of the cramped space. He was breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face and his heart beating against his ribcage hard enough to hurt.
"Call the Normandy. We need an on-the-spot pick-up and the med bay prepped for emergency surgery now," Shepard ordered towards Garrus, all while checking over Kaidan with his omnitool activated. He rolled the unconscious man onto his right side to keep him from drowning in his own blood, before reaching up and pulling off his helmet. His black hair was mussed with sweat and Shepard pushed it out of his face, before making quick work of undoing and releasing the latches holding his upper body armor pieces on. He pulled away the chest piece and realized with a grimace that the wound was far worse than it had looked from a distance – there was a massive hole punched right through the ablative armor, the edges stained dark with the impact shot and Kaidan's blood.
The wound was sealed with a thick layer of medigel for now, but that wasn't going to keep Kaidan alive for very long – he was still struggling to breathe and his heart rate was showing no signs of slowing down or evening out. Shepard dragged Kaidan's upper body onto his lap, taking care not to cause any more damage, before yanking off one of his gauntlets and gloves so he could wave an uncovered hand in front of Kaidan's face, feeling his shuddering, warm breaths.
"Come on, Kaidan," he whispered, not even caring that his voice was shaking. He wasn't going to lose another teammate, not now.
"…right lung collapse, left still appears to be fully functional. No exit wound, entry one sealed with medi-gel, moderate internal bleeding. No other major organ was hit. Phasic rounds, I think. Elevated heart rate and ventilation, though it's still stable for now. May have gotten a concussion, but there's no sign of brain swelling, his helmet absorbed most of the impact..." Garrus told Dr. Chakwas over their comm system, trying to keep his voice as calm possible, having synched his omnitool's interface to Shepard's. The Normandy was en route and he was trying to make sure that the doctor would know exactly what to expect when they got there. "…No sign of hypovolemic shock yet… Will try to send you Shepard's omnitool readings directly to the med bay's computer once the Normandy is in range."
"Tell Shepard to keep Kaidan lying in a safety position on his right side, and do not elevate his legs," Dr. Chakwas said over the intercom, not knowing if Shepard would be able to hear. "Keep monitoring his condition, and contact me immediately if anything changes."
"Roger that," Garrus answered, turning around to see if Shepard had heard. A quick nod told him that they had everything under control, for now.
"If Kaidan is anything, it's resilient. I'm sure he'll make it," she added, trying to keep their morale up. "I'll be on hold."
"Thanks, doctor," Garrus said, before returning his attention to the Commander. "You know, you guys were pretty amazing out there, but I've always felt that you're keeping it way too close to the edge," he commented, feeling the pressure ease a bit now that they were safe and everything appeared to be stable.
"Once the Lieutenant is back on his feet, you two might want to reconsider that whole daredevil routine you've got going on."
Shepard looked up at him, brow knitting in confusion. "Daredevil routine?" he repeated. "Mind running that one by me again, Vakarian? I don't think I follow."
Though that stabbing feeling in his gut begged to differ as he was very suddenly reminded of what Kaidan had told him while they stood in the mess, after the mission on Eden Prime. He'd brushed him off then, assuming he was just overly concerned, not unlike the non-biotics Shepard had gone into battle alongside – not understanding the full extent of the "risk-reward" tactics associated with being a vanguard. Not understanding that he was in control and that his strategy relied on his teammates taking advantage of enemy distraction, not worrying about his safety.
"I just want to make sure that we're not taking any unnecessary risks."
No, Kaidan had gotten shot by a prime that had snuck up on him. It didn't have anything to do with Shepard's fighting style. Even though he had depleted his shields with a biotic nova right before the armature had landed, and Kaidan had focused quite a bit of biotic energy into stopping its attack and taking down its shields… which very easily could have distracted him long enough for a prime to hit him with a concussive shot. One he could have stopped or dodged if his attention hadn't been divided.
Shepard suddenly felt sick, and hoped beyond hope that Garrus wouldn't confirm that thought.
"You mean you didn't know…" Garrus begun, before realizing that the confused and slightly perturbed expression on Shepard's face was entirely genuine. "Ah, crap." Well, there was no going back now, since he knew that the Commander wouldn't likely be willing to let this one go. Hopefully, Kaidan would forgive him for his indiscretion.
"It's not the first time that Alenko's put himself at risk to pull your ass out of the fire, Shepard. Probably saved it quite a few times, too," he said quietly, pondering just how much he should be telling him, then deciding that it was probably better to just be honest.
"For as long as I've been on this team, Kaidan's always been there… Watching your back, throwing up mass effect fields to keep you from getting hit, taking care of any enemy trying to sneak up on you, assessing the battlefield and trying to anticipate any attack," he explained, remembering having often wondered how he managed to keep track of so many things all at once.
"Usually, whenever he sacrifices his barrier to provide you with more protection, he seems to remain acutely aware of his surroundings, and manages to get it back up or find cover before an enemy can get to him. This time, the armature's attack probably happened too fast for him to be able to focus on anything else," he said sadly, though he still believed that the Lieutenant had made the right call. "And it's probably a good thing, too, else you'd be dead by now, and that would have put quite a damper on the mission."
Shepard stared at him, not quite willing to wrap his head around what he was saying. "That's not… He's not supposed to be doing that," he managed to say, realizing in retrospect how lame he sounded. He swore out loud, suddenly overcome with burning anger and frustration, thrashing at his insides and making him feel sick all over again – at himself for not realizing what was happening, at Kaidan for putting himself in danger just to save him when he should have been worried about himself. "I would never expect someone to put their own safety at risk just to protect me," he said, tone bitter and angry, not sure if he was explaining it to Garrus or to himself. "That's not how I operate. God Damnit Kaidan…"
It was Garrus' time to be confused. "He's a soldier, Shepard. What did you expect?" he asked, surprised that the Commander didn't appear to understand Kaidan's actions. "The only reason why I didn't watch over you more closely is because I thought you two had things well in hands; that you were only taking such risks because you knew Alenko had your back…"
Before he could go any further and start explaining the whole turian philosophy about protecting their highest-ranking officers, they were interrupted by the sound of wet coughing, as the Lieutenant's body began to thrash in Shepard's lap.
For a few moments, Kaidan was confused. He didn't know where he was or what was happening, except for the piercing pain in his chest and the taste of blood in his mouth. He tried to take a deep breath, only to feel as if something was applying pressure on his lungs and preventing him to do so beyond a certain point. His attempt was quickly rewarded with a coughing fit, more blood making it past his lips with each cough.
He tried moving, but that only seemed to make everything worse. In his feverish state, all he could remember was the attack… Shepard almost getting hit by the geth's cannon… There were two other primes there also, weren't there? What had happened then? Was the rest of his team okay? Had anyone else made it out alive?
Opening his eyes, he saw Garrus sitting in the front seat of what appeared to be some sort of vehicle, looking as if he was talking to someone over the intercom.
"Shepard… Is he…?" Kaidan began to ask, only to start coughing some more, his body shaking violently. He had to know. He had to find out if Shepard was all right… He had to get out of here, damn it!
"It's all right Kaidan, I'm right here," Shepard interrupted his fretting, barely keeping his voice from shaking – he put a hand on the Lieutenant's shoulder to keep him from moving about any more than he already was, forcing him to lay still, still turned on his side with upper body resting across his lap. "Try to stay still. Moving's just going to make it worse."
He wasn't sure why but he began to stroke Kaidan's hair, pushing the sweat-soaked locks away from his forehead, hoping that the action might be comforting enough to calm him down. "It's gonna be okay. Just… just hang on, help is coming."
He wasn't sure if his attempts at soothing words were more for Kaidan's sake or his own – his nerves were shot, rattled to hell and back, worry and fear and self-loathing chewing at his insides. Why the hell was the Normandy taking so damn long? If they didn't get him into surgery soon… He didn't want to think about it. His expression twisted with the effort to hold back whatever emotions were trying to break out of him at that point. He needed to stay calm and collected, for Kaidan's sake. He didn't need to freak out right now, not when he wanted to get up and punch his fist through a wall or break something.
He didn't know with whom he should be angrier – himself for allowing this to happen, or Kaidan for deciding to put his safety above his own. He would never even think to give an order for his squad mates to put themselves in danger to rescue him. Kaidan was acting of his own volition, and while Garrus had a point – he was a soldier, and they looked out for their own – a part of him was furious with him for placing more value on his life than his own.
That was the whole point behind Shepard's tactics. He would draw enemy fire so his squad would remain safe and free to run interference against the distracted attackers. He could handle himself – it was up to his squad to take care of the rest while he took the heat off of them. And if he died in the process, then so be it. At least he'd died protecting his squad. But he couldn't stand the thought of it being the other way around; knowing that one of his squad had died protecting him. That tactic may have been well and good in the turian military, but Shepard had seen enough of his comrades die that he'd sooner die for them than let them die for him. Never again, he'd vowed.
He scowled to himself, still battling with the urge to get up and break something – not that he could have gone far, trapped in the cramped space of the Mako. And Kaidan needed him right now, someone to keep him calm and keep an eye on his condition. So he swallowed the lump in his throat, pushed down the bitter frustration and self-hatred, and continued stroking his bare fingers through Kaidan's hair.
"Everything's gonna be okay…" …I hope.
Kaidan had stopped thrashing about the moment he'd finally heard Shepard's voice, feeling immensely relieved that he was there, and that he was safe. He let the sound of it lull him, distract him from the pain and from the suffocating sensation that kept growing in his chest. He tried not to panic, taking in shorter and faster breaths in order to avoid another coughing fit. He didn't know if he was hallucinating, but he could've sworn that someone was gently caressing his hair. The sensation itself was not at all unpleasant, and brought a welcomed relief from the other pains and discomforts in his body.
He was starting to feel lightheaded – probably as a result of hyperventilating - but that was okay, too… Because as long as Shepard kept talking to him and stroking his hair as he did, he had something tangible to hold on to, to keep himself grounded…
"It's okay, Shepard's managed to calm him down. Sending you the omnitool's data now," Garrus told Dr. Chakwas over the intercom, having called her back the moment that Kaidan had begun to regain consciousness.
"Good, the risks of respiratory depression are too high to administer a sedative without the proper equipment to deal with the accumulated fluids in the pleural cavity…" she explained with a certain level of regret in her voice. She hated to know that a patient of hers was in pain without having the option of easing his suffering. Somehow, the fact that it was Kaidan only made it worse.
While she'd long accepted that many of the soldiers under her care would one day either die, go on to serve on another ship, or eventually retire, it was hard for her not to feel a deep personal connection to them all. Especially those that required more personal and regular medical supervision, like the young L2.
"Whatever Shepard is doing to keep him calm, just tell him to keep doing it. We're almost here," she said.
As if on cue, the Normandy landed a few meters before them, its cargo bay door slowly opening. "Alright, I'm taking us in," Garrus said, driving the vehicle towards the ship. Shepard reached out with a free hand to grab onto one of the railings lining the wall next to him, holding on to keep himself and Kaidan steady as the vehicle began to jostle with the movement.
Joker waited for his sensor to indicate that the Mako was securely inside the vessel before closing the door and waiting for the cargo bay to re-pressurize. Once his readings confirmed that it was done, he gave the okay for the medical team to go in.
"Garrus, get your door open," Chakwas called over the comm system, rushing towards the Mako with two other marines pushing a gurney carrying medical equipment on top. As soon as she reached the vehicle, she took a quick peek inside while the marines put the medical equipment aside, lowering the stretcher to the ground with the hydraulic lift. Kaidan was lying across Shepard's lap, skin pale and clammy, and his lips were starting to take on a bluish tint.
"Kaidan, we're going to move you out of the vehicle now, and put you on a stretcher," she calmly explained. Kaidan gave her a small nod, making Dr. Chakwas smile. If he was still responding, that was definitely a good sign. She let the other two marines move past her to help lift him up and away from Shepard's lap.
They were almost out of the door when they felt a tug backwards, and Shepard was slightly propelled forward. Somewhere during the maneuver, Kaidan had managed to take a hold of Shepard's hand, and was now hanging onto it tightly, refusing to let go.
Had the situation not been so critical, Dr. Chakwas would have been tempted to laugh; especially considering the helpless look that the two marines threw in her direction.
"Just get him on the stretcher, would you? I want him lying on his left side. Shepard, you can keep holding his hand and follow, I don't mind. Actually, it's probably going to help," she said, while fumbling through her equipment. Once she finally had everything she needed and they'd managed to position the Lieutenant on the gurney with Shepard still clutching his hand in his own, she began to disinfect a large area of his thoracic wall.
"I'm going to insert a tube between your ribs that should take some of the pressure off your lungs," she explained as she got her materials ready. "When I say now, I need you to hold your breath and try not to move until I give you the okay again…" She waited for Kaidan to breathe in. "Now."
Kaidan winced as he felt the tube go in, tightening his hold on Shepard's hand for a few seconds, feeling him squeeze it back reassuringly. He didn't know why he'd felt the need to hold onto him like that, but he did. The contact gave him strength, made him feel like he was safe, and not fighting for his life right now. He simply knew that he needed it.
"Breathe normally," Dr. Chakwas instructed him, and he let out a shuddering breath. It occurred to him that he'd kept his eyes tightly closed until then, trying to shut out the pain and everything else but the feeling of Shepard's hand in his. But as he was slowly rolled on his back, he let them open, blinking against the intensity of the light and seeing both the Commander and Dr. Chakwas watching over him from above.
"You're doing good…" the doctor told him, giving his shoulder a slight squeeze and keeping her tone as encouraging and light as possible as she finished securing the bag now collecting the blood from his lungs to the stretcher. She then went on to search for a vein on his arm to install the I.V.
Shepard refused to even consider the idea of letting go of Kaidan's hand – not yet. Every little squeeze, each twitch of a finger was a small bit of proof that Kaidan was going to be okay, that he was going to pull through. It was difficult to watch him like this, tearing his eyes away from the tube that had been inserted through Kaidan's skin – it made him feel woozy, watching the blood collecting and pouring through the transport and into the bag. Sure, he'd seen plenty of blood on the battlefield, and he'd seen his fair share of post-mission injuries… but never with the thought in mind that it was his fault it had happened. That there was a very real chance that Kaidan might die because of what he had done, what he had allowed to happen.
He kept his eyes locked on Kaidan's face, and he was amazed at just how stoic he looked, expression strong despite the pallor of his skin, lips pressed into a tight line, eyes shining with suppressed pain. But through it all he was silent, never once complaining or crying. Shepard would have been impressed if he wasn't so goddamned worried. He reached up with his free hand and pushed the Lieutenant's hair out of his face again, trying his best to quell the shaking in his hands and in his voice when he spoke. "Everything's going to be okay, Kaidan. Just hold on for me. Please."
His breath hitched and he had to swallow to keep the lump from rising into his throat again. The look Kaidan was giving him, the way his fingers clenched harder around his hand – it made his heart skip, his chest beginning to tighten with indiscernible emotions. If he didn't make it through this… Shepard didn't know what he would do. He didn't even want to consider the possibility.
Once Dr. Chakwas had the I.V. in place and working properly, she delicately slipped the oxygen mask over Kaidan's mouth and nose, adjusting the strap to hold it there.
"Get ready to stand," she instructed Shepard as she activated the hydraulic lift to raise the gurney back to the level of their waists, the marines that had accompanied her getting ready to move out.
As they made their way back to the med bay, Dr. Chakwas administered Kaidan a light sedative; enough to take away most of his pain, but not to make him go under yet. She saw him blink a few times and relax with a soft sigh, his breathing and heart rate becoming calmer, slowly evening out. He still kept looking at Shepard though, apparently oblivious to anything else. She smiled – it wasn't the first time that she'd seen a patient use a family member or a loved one as an anchor in difficult times. As they finally reached the med bay, she almost felt bad for having to sever the connection.
"Ready?" she asked Kaidan, though it wasn't like she was truly giving him a choice. He looked up at her and nodded, before bringing his attention back to Shepard.
"See you on the other side…" he whispered with a soft smile, his voice weak and raspy, before his eyes gently fluttered close, and the grip on Shepard's hand loosened until the contact parted.
"Don't worry Commander, he'll be fine," Dr. Chakwas said, putting a comforting hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I'll call you as soon as he's out of surgery."
She then gave the signal to roll him in and disappeared behind the med bay's doors, leaving Shepard alone with his thoughts.
Shepard stood there for what felt like ages, rooted to the spot and staring at the closed door. For the first time in years, he felt lost. Completely and utterly lost, unable to form a proper coherent thought about what he should be doing or where he should be. He was almost content to stand there as long as it took, staring at the door until Chakwas would come back out to fetch him. But then he realized that there were a couple of crew members still on deck, standing not too far away and staring at him as he stood there like some kind of lost puppy. That was enough to snap him out of it – he turned, walking away from the door lest he give in to his urges and just barge in and refuse to leave until he knew for certain that Kaidan would be okay.
He looked down, realizing that he was still wearing his armor – sans his helmet and one of his gauntlets, but still mostly geared up. He raised his hands and turned them over to stare at his palms, watching as they trembled under the dried smears of Kaidan's blood. He recoiled in disgust, immediately pivoting and heading towards the showers.
His armor ended up in a pile in the corner as he showered, scrubbing the blood off of his hands until his skin was red and raw. He didn't stop there, however, scrubbing himself down like he'd just had to wade through a sewer – he didn't care, he just needed to do it. It was more than just wiping away blood and oil and dirt. It was like he was scrubbing away the day's events, sanding them off of his skin and sending them down the drain with the shower water and the soap. The stinging burn on his skin was welcoming, like a dull ache that had always been there, comforting him when he didn't want to think. It was easier to feel than it was to think. The water was scalding, the steam making his lungs ache and his skin felt like it would blister. But he allowed it, nonetheless, content with standing there and allowing the water to burn its way across the expanse of his back, his shoulders, his legs, down his arms and drip from his fingertips.
He stayed that way until the water lost its burn, at which point he hit the control and stopped the shower's flow. He put himself back into autopilot mode, unable to trust himself to do things without some predetermined setting lest he give into his thoughts and lose control of himself. He managed to get himself into a clean set of fatigues and had his armor properly stowed in his locker, rather than leaving it to take up space in the corner of the shower room. He didn't stop to speak with anyone, and when the message came through on his omnitool that he was needed for the post-mission debrief – no doubt Hackett wanted a proper explanation as to why they had pulled out without completing their objective – he sent back a blunt line of text that in no uncertain terms told the Admiral that he was more concerned with his Lieutenant's wellbeing than a proper debriefing. Thankfully Hackett was a smart man who got the hint, and Shepard was grateful when he'd received a short response back granting him a reprieve from paperwork until Kaidan's condition had been stabilized.
Shepard sat in the now empty mess, leaning on the table and facing the doors to the med bay so that he'd be the first person to know if anyone left the room. And from there, he waited.
Roughly three hours after Kaidan had gone in, Dr. Chakwas finally emerged from the med bay, walking towards the place where Shepard was sitting with an encouraging, if somewhat exhausted smile.
"Alenko is doing fine…" she immediately said, her first priority being to ease the Commander's worries about his second-in-command. "The heavy bleeding's stopped. I'm only leaving the chest tube in for a few hours while the damaged lung tissues finish regenerating. Thankfully, there was no adverse reaction to the medi-gel injections, or the synthetic blood transfusion," she began explaining, before realizing that Shepard was probably more interested in what it meant for the Lieutenant in terms of time of recovery, not in all the technical details.
"Basically, I recommend strict bed rest for the next 48 hours to give his body a chance to fully heal itself. After that, I'll give him a series of rehabilitation exercises to perform on a daily basis for the next two weeks in order to rebuild lung capacity. He should be able to resume his duties around the ship in five days, and be cleared for active field duty within two weeks; unless there are some complications, of course, but that's highly unlikely." Considering the amount and high variety of antibiotics they carried on board, and the precision of their monitoring devices, she couldn't think of much that they wouldn't be able to quickly deal with.
"I must say that I'm impressed with how fast you and Garrus were able to get him to safety and contact us. He owes you his life, Commander," she said, fully knowing that when an injury like that occurred, time was often your worst enemy.
"He hasn't awakened yet, but the sedatives should begin to wear off within the next hour or two. You can go see him if you'd like, or wait for me to tell you when he's awake, it's up to you," she offered.
Shepard looked between her and the med bay door, chewing on his lower lip in thought – it was difficult not to cringe at her words. Kaidan didn't owe him his life – Shepard owed Kaidan his life, probably tenfold by now if Garrus' indications were correct. He wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for Shepard. But Chakwas didn't know that, and she didn't need to know that, so he kept it to himself, swallowing it down and forcing his expression to remain neutral.
"I… I'll stay with him. It's the least I can do," he finally said, trying to give the doctor a half-hearted smile to show his gratitude. It was too difficult to maintain, however, and he looked away. "Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."
"It's my pleasure, Commander," she answered, returning the smile. "Though I can still closely monitor his health status through my omnitool's interface, and be back as soon as there's an anomaly, don't hesitate to call for me if you believe that my presence is needed."
Giving her a little nod, he walked past her, stepping into the dim med bay and allowing the door to slide shut behind him. The first thing he was aware of was that the room smelled strongly of antiseptic – much stronger than usual, considering the fact that the room always had that clean, hospital-like scent. His eyes swept around the room, adjusting to the variance in lighting until he'd found Kaidan, still laying on the gurney they'd brought him in on – it was probably more comfortable than the metal slabs they used as observation tables – propped up in a halfway sitting position, body slack with sedatives and unconsciousness.
He took a deep breath to steady himself, before setting his expression straight and crossing the room. He grabbed Chakwas' desk chair as he went, pulling it up next to Kaidan's bed and dropping down into it. He leaned forward, looking over the prone Lieutenant – he'd been cleaned up, no longer caked with blood, and the wound in his chest was hidden behind a thick layer of bandaging. The tube was still inserted between his ribs, but the entry point had been properly dressed and covered, making it slightly easier to look at without wanting to feel woozy. He didn't know if it was the lighting or his injuries or a combination of both, but Kaidan was impossibly pale. If it weren't for the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath, Shepard might've assumed him dead.
He took another shuddering breath, reaching forward and taking Kaidan's hand in his own and giving it a soft squeeze despite knowing that he wouldn't be able to feel it. But there was something comforting about it, feeling his hand, still warm with life clutched in his own – a tangible connection, proof that he was alive and that he was going to be okay.
"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," he whispered, closing his eyes with a self-loathing grimace and letting go of his Lieutenant's hand after a moment. He still had no idea what he was going to say to him when he woke up. He'd be lucky if Kaidan didn't try to punch him. After what had happened, he was inclined to allow it.
A part of him was still frustrated, impossibly angry with Kaidan for what he had done. Shepard had always been a self-sacrificing fighter, always going into the heart of battle so his squad didn't have to. And… he'd never had a problem with it before. Not until now. That anger towards Kaidan was only trumped by the anger he felt towards himself for being so stupid that he'd never realized what Kaidan was doing. If he'd known, he would have put his foot down long ago – made it clear to Kaidan that he needed to protect himself, not throw himself into harm's way to keep Shepard safe when the entire point behind his behavior was to keep him safe. All it served to do was negate his efforts, making the danger he was putting himself in worth nothing.
He opened his eyes again, trying to force the thoughts out of his head. The last thing he needed to do was get himself riled up while waiting for Kaidan to wake up. He didn't need to sit there and stew in his frustration and self-hatred. Not when he needed to worry about Kaidan's wellbeing more than anything else.
He looked him over again, watching as his chest continued to rise and fall. He had been stripped all the way down to his underwear, and Shepard looked over to see the remnants of his under armor bodysuit and leg armor lying in a pile on Chakwas' desk. He'd made an effort to get him out of his upper body armor while they were sitting in the Mako, but he'd still been half clad when they'd loaded him on the gurney and brought him to the med bay. What remained of his armor was stripped, and Shepard made a mental note to stow it for him when he left.
The closest thing to a state of undress that Shepard had seen Kaidan in had been post-mission, when they were peeling away armor pieces in front of their lockers. He'd been halfway out of his bodysuit, pulling the thick, woven fabric down over his shoulders and exposing the skin of his shoulder blades. Shepard had watched the way the muscles in his back tensed and relaxed with each movement as he shrugged the fabric downwards. Kaidan was more muscular than he looked in his armor and fatigues, he'd realized. Though light-grade armor – a staple for most non-vanguard class biotics – had a way of making a soldier look unusually small, especially if he was standing next to someone in medium or heavy-grade. And considering the fact that Shepard usually wore medium-grade armor, he almost wanted to laugh at the irony that the only place he was larger than Kaidan was on the battlefield.
Sure, he wasn't as big as a lot of the jarheads Shepard had served with, but he definitely wasn't small. And it took quite a bit of effort not to just stare at him as he laid there, memorizing each dip and curve of his arms, chest, and stomach, all the way down to his pelvis and the way his underwear clung low to his hipbones. If he didn't know that he might disturb the bandaging or the tube currently jutting out of his side, Shepard might have been inclined to pull the sheets up to cover his bare chest. Anything to stop the uncomfortable feeling from chewing at his insides.
There was a fine line between admiration and harassment, and Shepard was perfectly content with staying as far away from that line as he possibly could. If there was one thing he'd learned from serving with hundreds of different men, from ship to ship, locker room to locker room, it was how to control himself and his impulses. There were regulations to respect and boundaries that didn't need to be crossed. This wasn't an exception.
Of course, that niggling voice in the back of his mind was back. It could be.
He shook his head, not sure if he was disagreeing or just trying to dislodge the thought before it had a chance to take root and grow. Either way, he averted his eyes away from Kaidan's body, choosing instead to lean back in his chair and wait for the time to pass before Kaidan would wake up again. And despite the relative quiet of the room, the solitude associated, he could hardly collect his thoughts – he just had to hope that when Kaidan woke up, he would know what to say to him.
About an hour had passed before Kaidan finally began to awaken. He was becoming vaguely aware of light that, through closed lids, still managed to bother his eyes. The annoying yet thankfully no longer painful tugging sensation in his right side. The odd dizziness and slightly nauseated feeling. The lingering metallic taste that had apparently not entirely left his mouth.
There was something else, too… Something warm, fleshy and soft, yet a bit calloused in places, resting over the back of his hand.
Slowly opening his eyes, blinking several times to give them the time to adjust to the ambient light, he tried to take in his surroundings. The sterile metallic environment, the soft beeping of the monitors, the sight of medical equipment, and, of course, the fact that he was lying down with an I.V. stuck in his arm told him that he was in the Normandy's med bay.
'How did I get here?' he wondered, his mind still in a haze as he tried to remember the day's earlier events. At first, only bits and pieces came… and mostly feelings, rather than memories. Fear, powerlessness, anger, concern… need… Shepard's voice, soft and comforting, telling him that everything would be all right, asking him to hold on… for him… A pair of beautiful pale grey eyes looking back at him with a gentleness that he didn't even know the other man possessed; his expression tinted with sadness and despair, despite kind words of reassurance…
The drop ship, geth pouring in on the battlefield, Shepard fighting, turning himself into a target, tempting fate more so than usual, shields depleted. The armature, threatening to take him away, giving him just barely enough time to react. The prime… a well placed shot that he hadn't been able to avoid, catching him in the chest. The anguish and the feeling that he was slowly drowning… Shepard, trying to ease his pain and distress, while he and Garrus were engaged in a race to save his life. Dr. Chakwas finally reaching them, giving him some instructions that he couldn't quite remember any longer. Quietly saying goodbye to Shepard, holding onto him for as long as he could until the darkness came and…
He woke up.
Feeling slightly better now that he had a much better grasp over what had happened and how he had gotten here, he allowed himself to relax, and further contemplate the situation. He wasn't perfectly comfortable, but no longer in pain, so that was good. And he could breathe normally, which was a huge relief. He let his eyes wander over his chest and abdomen, noticing the clean white bandages, including the one over his ribs covering a tube jutting out from underneath it…
As his eyes continued to travel downwards, he stopped, for a moment completely shocked; but then couldn't resist breaking into a smile as he watched the scene before him. Shepard was sitting by the foot of the bed, his head resting next to Kaidan's legs, his right arm tucked underneath his head while his left one was lazily spread across the sheets, hand resting on top of Kaidan's.
For a few minutes, Kaidan was content with simply looking at him sleep… Still too groggy from the anesthetics to even consider the fact that it might not be entirely appropriate. Right now, all he cared about was how incredibly adorable a sleeping Shepard was. Eyes closed, his features relaxed and peaceful… It was funny, during all the times they'd spent together, it suddenly occurred to him that he'd never really taken the time to look at anything but his eyes.
Shepard's gaze had something very intense that captivated one's attention. He also had the habit of looking directly at people when he spoke, in a way that was both very honest and open. That was one of the things that he'd always liked about him. That kind of sincere and straightforward approach…
And his eyes had a life of their own. A single look could make a krogan cower in fear, or make someone feel like they had the strength of a thousand men. So he'd always focused on his eyes, completely missing how well defined and soft his lips looked… or the gentle curve of his nose… the high cheekbones or the smooth, slightly tanned skin…
Overall, Shepard was a very handsome man. And his confidence, strength and determination, contrasting with a certain look of youthfulness and vulnerability, only added to his appeal. It was no wonder that Liara had quickly developed such a crush on him. After all, it was pretty easy to understand the attraction, if he wanted to be perfectly honest with himself. Had they met under different circumstances, who could say he wouldn't have been attracted, too?
Who could say he wasn't?
He shook his head slightly, immediately regretting the decision as it only ended up making his head spin instead of helping clear his thoughts. Still, he decided to blame any inappropriate thoughts or feelings that he seemed to be having on the medication.
Perhaps if he woke Shepard and began talking with him instead of admiring him, it would help. That did seem like the most sensible thing to do. It wasn't like he could just let him sleep the whole night at his bedside, anyway.
Gently removing his hand from underneath Shepard's, he reached forward to grab his forearm instead, giving it a little shake. "Shepard…" he called out to him, his voice still a bit hoarse. He tried to clear his throat. "Shepard, wake up…" he said again a bit louder, trying to avoid startling him.
Shepard jerked back to life a moment later, leaning back with a somewhat bleary look on his face – he seemed confused at first, not sure where he was or how he got there. But then he looked over at Kaidan and realized he was awake and staring expectantly at him, and it was all he could do not to flush in embarrassment. There was already a red mark on his forehead from lying against his arm for so long.
He hadn't planned on falling asleep – but in retrospect it wasn't a surprise. He hadn't eaten since the day before, and hadn't even stopped to think he might need to wind down with a protein shake during the wait while Kaidan was in surgery. And considering how much raw biotic energy he'd sapped just from throwing that armature, along with what he'd expended pulling that many biotic charges in a row with little breathing room… It was a wonder he hadn't passed out sooner. Even now that he was awake he still felt groggy and drained, the stress finally leaving his body the moment he realized that Kaidan was okay. All it did was make him feel worthless and limp.
He stared back at Kaidan for a long, awkward moment, realizing that he was at a complete loss for words. There were a million and a half things he needed and wanted to say, but he couldn't even think where to begin. A part of him insisted on getting the hard part out of the way first, berating the Lieutenant for getting himself nearly killed trying to protect him. Another part of him told him to stow it until Kaidan was better, and to focus on his injuries instead. Yet another part wanted to just grab him, pull him into an embrace, and apologize for everything that had happened. But that part was being heavily stifled by the others, forcibly choking it out of existence.
If he had any sense in him he'd thank Kaidan for saving his life. But as it stood, when he finally opened his mouth, the only thing he could muster was a soft "…Hey."
Smooth, Shepard.
He almost wanted to curse at himself, but knew that wouldn't be wise – not unless he wanted to thoroughly convince Kaidan that he was insane. "How are you feeling?" he amended, though it took all of his willpower not to cringe immediately afterwards. Kaidan was lying in a hospital bed with a tube stuck in his side and he was asking him how he was feeling. He almost wanted to slap himself; save Kaidan the trouble.
Kaidan chuckled a bit, the question striking him as funny, for some reason. "Like a train ran me over…" he began, then it suddenly occurred to him that the situation he'd found himself in was probably far from funny. "…And then I got high," he added, trying to excuse his slightly odd behavior. And horny, too. Okay, now that, he was definitely glad he didn't say out loud. He didn't, right? 'Cause that would be embarrassing... But no, Shepard didn't appear to be outraged.
"Dr. Chakwas carries some very good stuff with her, I'm telling you. Though I'd rather you didn't have to try it…" he added sincerely, because that would mean that Shepard would have gotten hurt, and he didn't want that. Wait. Had he?
"How about you? You're okay, right? The geth didn't harm you?" he asked, becoming more serious, if slightly agitated. He could see that Shepard appeared to be fine, but perhaps he was still hiding some injury underneath his clothes… Along with… other things… God Alenko, stop it!
Of course, Kaidan was laying on a gurney and was more concerned with whether or not Shepard was okay. He wanted to find it flattering, but all it did was deliver another hard punch of guilt directly into his gut. "I'm fine," he said, before adding in a quiet voice, "Thanks in no small part to you."
He leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands together in his lap and twisting his fingers together – he stared down at them, not quite able to look at Kaidan while he continued speaking. "You've… been doing this for a while. Protecting me in battle, I mean." It wasn't a question, because he already knew the answer. An answer that he really didn't like. He took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to steady himself for the next part as he finally lifted his head to force eye contact. "I don't want you to do that anymore, Lieutenant."
Kaidan frowned, the fact that Shepard had just called him "Lieutenant" not lost on him. Well, to be fair, he was his Lieutenant, so he was perfectly within his right to call him that. What bothered him, though, was the slightly stern tone in which the Commander had said it, like he'd done something wrong that had displeased him. Somehow, his request had the effect of sobering him up a little, reminding him of the fear and frustration he'd felt in the battle earlier… So what did Shepard expect him to do, stand by and do nothing as he got himself killed?
"With all due respect, sir," he began, his voice a bit more curt than he'd intended. "I don't believe that's your call to make."
Shepard managed to keep his expression straight, not tearing his eyes away from Kaidan once. "And why isn't it?" he asked, voice terse. "I give the orders on the field, and I don't recall ordering you to get yourself killed trying to save me."
He paused, before leaning forward in his chair to pin Kaidan with a hard look, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "I fight the way I do to keep my team safe. That effort is negated if you throw yourself into harm's way to rescue me."
"And I fight the way I do because I am trained to make sure that we all get out of there alive," he said, holding Shepard's gaze, refusing to back down. "I assess the risks, find ways to minimize them, support and protect my squad, and disable the enemy's defenses," he explained, having to wonder if the Commander had ever even worked with a sentinel-class biotic before.
"And that usually works great unless I'm paired up with a Commander that's behaving recklessly; one who appears to believe that shields are optional, what's happening behind his back doesn't concern him, and that bullets can't kill him," he said, barely keeping his anger in check.
"Unless that is what you want," he added more quietly, giving voice to one of the greatest fears he'd had ever since Eden Prime.
Shepard's expression flickered with something indiscernible, and he straightened up again. "I want to know that my team is going to make it off the battlefield alive, Kaidan. If that means I have to run forward and draw fire to keep everyone else safe, I'm going to do it. You're the first soldier I've fought alongside who doesn't seem to understand that," he snapped, feeling his impatience rising. He tried to tell himself to keep an open mind, to listen to what Kaidan had to say, but he was making dangerous accusations that he wasn't keen on rolling over and taking. "I've been a vanguard for the past eight years; if my 'recklessness' was such a problem, don't you think I'd be dead by now?"
"Yeah," Kaidan scoffed, "Like you'd have come up just fine from that armature's cannon blast," he said, his expression hard, reminding Shepard of just how close he'd been to being dead. Never mind all these other times that he'd been forced to act to save his sorry ass. So right now, the Commander's argument rang pretty hollow.
"Perhaps the other soldiers were just scared of you. Perhaps they didn't have the guts to tell you what they were really thinking. Or perhaps they just didn't care!" he said, his voice rising a notch.
"But guess what? You're no longer just a vanguard or even a Commander, Shepard. You're a Spectre. A Spectre that's been given a mission that's likely bigger and more dangerous than anything you've ever faced! If you die now, what do you think will happen, huh?" he asked, though he didn't give Shepard the slightest bit of a chance to interrupt him, too wound up and hurt to even remotely consider stopping there.
"We lose the information from the Prothean beacon that's been stored in your mind. The council calls the Normandy back to the Citadel. They'll have to appoint another Spectre to go after Saren; and, of course, that Udina asshole is only going to stall the process by insisting that he or she be human. Meanwhile, our squad will probably get disbanded, because I doubt that, without you, the Alliance will be comfortable keeping aliens on board their most advanced starship. The result? We lose Saren, we lose our current resources, the fate of the galaxy remains in jeopardy, and the mission fails." Truthfully, he couldn't even begin to understand why he had to be the one explaining all of this to him. Hadn't he thought of this when he'd accepted the position?
"Whereas, if I die, you and the rest of the crew will just keep pushing forward. Like it or not, when it comes to the success of this mission, I'm expendable, you are not! So forgive me for being willing to do everything I fucking can to ensure that the mission doesn't fail!" By the time he was done, he was nearly shouting, out of breath, the beeping of the machines next to him picking up pace and turning erratic. But he didn't care, he was just so damn angry with Shepard right now for completely disregarding the big picture here.
He could understand that he didn't want to lose anyone on his team, but couldn't he see that none of his people were willing to lose him, either? See how much they all cared about him? See how much he cared about him?
What right did he have to go and try to sacrifice his life to ensure that no one else got hurt, when he was entirely refusing to let others take any risks to protect him? Did he really think he'd be okay with that? Did he think he'd be able to stand it? Hadn't he made it clear to Shepard that he was important to him, and that he wanted to help?
The very thought of losing Shepard made him feel like he was drowning again... Besides ensuring the success of the mission, he simply wasn't able to let him get himself killed. He was an amazing leader, and a good and powerful soldier. All he wanted from Shepard was to be able to trust him to make the necessary efforts to keep himself alive. Not completely stop taking risks. He was a vanguard, after all, and taking risks were part of the job. That, he understood. That, he could cope with.
But he couldn't help but think that some part of him wanted to make a mistake… Wanted that bullet or that cannon blast to hit him… Wanted it all to end. The fact that Shepard hadn't even been able to deny it when he'd asked if that's what he wanted only made the whole thing worse. Why won't you let me help you, damn it?
Shepard was on his feet in an instant, shoving his chair back hard enough that it slammed into the bed behind him. His hands slammed down on the railing of the bed, clutching it so hard that his knuckles paled. "Do you even remember who the fuck you're speaking with?" he asked, tone so cold it was a wonder the temperature in the room didn't drop the moment he spoke. That usually calm, open understanding that lit his eyes was gone, making the pale gray look absolutely stormy in the dim light of the med bay. "Whatever higher power there is has made it abundantly clear that the only way for me to keep going, to survive, is to climb on top of the bodies of the people around me. I have done everything in my power to stop that cycle, no matter what – and if that means drawing fire so my team can stay safe, then I will do it. I already have the blood of my family and my entire God damned unit from Akuze on my hands, and I very nearly had yours as well because you didn't trust me."
His expression hardened, brow pulling into a scowl. "Yes, I am a Spectre. Yes, I fully understand the gravity of this mission. But don't you dare accuse me of losing that perspective because I 'want to die.' Everything I do, I do for a damn good reason, and you need to understand that," he said, voice lowered into an angry snarl. The acidity of his words made his throat hurt; his self-control was screaming in the back of his mind, trying to make him stop, but he was too far gone, too submerged in waves of pure, boiling anger to even consider the notion. He was madder than Hell – at himself, at Kaidan, at the whole damn universe.
Where the Hell did Kaidan get off talking to him like that? Was he supposed to sit there and accept the idea that Kaidan viewed himself as nothing more than cannon fodder meant to keep the first human Spectre going towards the end? Shepard had never considered a single member of his crew in that regard. The thought of it made him sick, knowing that even one of them considered themselves nothing more than a meat shield. The fact that Kaidan was placing more value on Shepard's life than his own was enough to make his gut twist and hurt with guilt, shame, and anger.
Shepard had always viewed each and every one of the people he'd served with as an equal, no matter what their position or rank. Each and every single one of them was worth dying for – Kaidan included, maybe even more so. The very idea that Kaidan didn't respect that notion, that he found Shepard's life more worthy of protecting than his own…
"And you need to understand that you're not alone in this!" Kaidan said, refusing to let Shepard's anger intimidate him. After all, it wasn't the first time that he'd been yelled at, hit, or even thrown against the wall by someone in a position of authority. It hadn't stopped him from speaking his mind then, and it sure wouldn't stop him from doing it now!
There was a voice in the back of his mind telling him to calm down, that all he was doing by letting things escalate this way was making it worse... But he was way past reasoning right now. Maybe it was the meds, maybe he was too tired for this, but he just couldn't bring himself to stop.
"You've got the best goddamn squad in the galaxy! Don't you think you should take advantage of everyone's strengths and work as a team out there, instead of running your own damn one man show?" he said, his barrier activating against his will, enveloping his body in its protective shell of dark energy and giving his eyes an eerily blue glow.
"Should Ashley start offering herself as human target to keep us all from harm, too, because she lost her squad back on Eden Prime?" Damn it, why couldn't he understand?
"I trust you with my life, Shepard, but I can't trust you with yours because you've got it all wrong! There's no reason why you got to live, and all of these people had to die! No great cosmic answer! It's not something that you could have controlled, and what happened with your family and Akuze is not your fault!" For some reason, saying it out loud made most of his anger deflate, and his barrier slowly deactivated...
Now, he just felt numb, empty, on the verge of breaking down… His eyes were filled with unshed tears, but he didn't care. "Please, just stop punishing yourself for this…" he said, his tone almost pleading. "That's not the way to break the cycle."
A tremor ran through Shepard's body as he listened to Kaidan, and he could feel the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand on end as a crackle of blue electricity danced across his skin. He tried to bite it down, teeth grinding together hard enough to hurt – he wasn't sure if his biotics were just reacting to Kaidan's, or his emotions, or a combination of both, but it took all of his willpower and then some not to just discharge a nova right then and there. He'd never been so upset, so ready to explode – and unlike Kaidan, he lacked the self-control required to keep his powers in check.
Each word was like a stab in the gut. Not your fault. He was tired of hearing that; the fix-it answer, the hollow pity from sympathetic onlookers. Every day for months after the accident, empty words offered to him like a Band-Aid that had lost its adhesive. It had been forever since anyone had used that tired piece of sympathy on him. He wanted to snap, to yell – how the fuck do you know!? You weren't there! But the words caught in his throat and made his chest hurt.
When he finally unclenched his fingers from around the gurney's railing, a string of blue static connected and broke between the metal and his parting fingertips. He needed to go, to get out of here, before he exploded and hurt someone. He may have been madder than Hell, seeing red, gut burning, but even then he couldn't stomach the thought of accidentally hurting Kaidan. Not any more than he already had, judging by the barely suppressed glistening in those sad, beautiful brown eyes. He could feel his chest tightening all over again.
He immediately pivoted on his heel and turned away, suddenly and completely unable to face him anymore. He had to leave, now. He didn't even say anything, no final word, no parting argument – just footsteps as he stalked out of the med bay, the door sliding shut behind him.
He knew there were people on the crew deck. He could feel their eyes burning holes into his back as he strode across the deck, murmured confusion and fear when they caught sight of the crackling energy, the unearthly glow turning his grey eyes blue. He couldn't be sure if he and Kaidan had been loud enough for them to hear – and even if they had been, he just didn't care. He didn't stop, didn't look, didn't speak – the door to his cabin shut behind him and he slammed a fist on the control panel to lock it.
And just like that, the thread snapped, and he let loose a frustrated scream, channeling the pent up energy into a wild, unfocused throw attack. His desk chair and the datapads on his desk were the unlucky targets – being the only items in the room not bolted to the floor or out of range – sent flinging across the room and slamming into the far wall. The chair somehow managed to survive the impact and landed with a clatter on the floor, but the datapads weren't as fortunate. At least three of them snapped into pieces, and most of the rest overloaded and showered pitiful sparks across the floor.
He stared at the carnage for a long time, taking in deep, shuddering breaths, fighting and failing to stop his heart from racing, his legs from trembling, his chest from hurting. His legs finally gave out despite his better efforts and he collapsed back against the door to keep from crashing to the floor. He slid downwards until he was sitting, knees bent at chest level and head dropping downwards to meet his hands, palms covering his face as he choked down the overwhelming urge to cry, or scream, or… something. What, he didn't know. But whatever it was, he'd rather rot on the floor than let it happen.
This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to feel this fragile, this unstable and damaged. He wasn't damaged. He refused to accept that label. He was functional, he was a leader, he knew what he was doing, and everything he did, he did for a reason. But then he'd remember Kaidan's eyes, his expression, the way he'd looked at him and singlehandedly managed to crack him open and see everything that was wrong with him and the decisions that he had made. He didn't know if he was just that easy to read, or that Kaidan was the first person able to understand his language.
But he couldn't sit there, laying on the floor and wallowing in his self-pity and anger. He still had a mission to take care of. Things to do. He was a leader first and foremost, and the last thing his crew needed was for him to take to locking himself up in his cabin every time he snapped.
He pulled up his omnitool, scrolling across the interface and trying to steady himself as he searched for the proper comm link. Once he'd found it, he opened the channel with the flick of a button. "Joker, take us on to Noveria," he ordered, voice toneless and calm despite his current state, sitting on the floor of his cabin and trying not to break down.
"Aye aye, Commander," came the response – he could tell by the lilt in his response that Joker wanted to ask him an inevitable question, but to his credit, he refrained. Joker wasn't exactly known for his tact, so it was a welcomed reprieve.
"ETA?"
"Four days."
Shepard sighed, before sending back a confirmation and closing the interface with a soft blip sound. He leaned his head back against the door, staring up at the dim strip lighting of the ceiling, trying – and failing – to collect his thoughts. This was going to be a long four days…