Worth Living For,
Act I
by Elianda (a.k.a. Cygnonymous & TheLostGirl21)
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
SUMMARY: After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words… But this time, he may just have found someone to live for...
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.
WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.
Chapter 6
Kaidan was lying on his bunk bed, alone in the crew quarters, lights dimmed as he tried to deal with yet another headache. He realized that he had been doing this an awful lot lately.
Well, it's not like he had much else to do.
It had been a few weeks since he'd been cleared for field duty, but Shepard had made it abundantly clear that he was to remain "grounded" on the ship. Not in those exact terms, of course… But it seemed that their conversation in the med bay had created a significant rift between them.
Really, Alenko, and what did you expect?
Shepard had been hurting, tired, and obviously struggling with the day's events. And instead of trying to be understanding and take things slow, waiting for his mind to clear in order to discuss what had happened, Kaidan had just kept pushing… Pushing, and pushing, and pushing until the Commander had finally found himself backed against the wall, and he'd successfully ended up pushing him away from him altogether.
And now, it appeared that he'd scared him into hiding, too, as he'd heard crewmembers commenting about how Commander Shepard was acting rather authoritative and distant lately. He was still nice and courteous enough with them, but he'd taken to keeping most interactions to a minimum, and remained entirely focused on the job.
Should he be that surprised? After all, this wasn't the first friend that he'd ever scared away… Not the first time that he'd let that temper of his take over, and ended up losing one of the people that meant the most to him in the process… And now, Shepard hated him. Though to hate him, he supposed that he would have needed to like him in the first place...
Deep down, Kaidan knew that it was only his insecurities talking, old wounds reopening and toying with his perceptions of what had truly happened. Shepard had liked him. Enough that he'd allowed him to get close, and had even opened up to him about issues that had obviously been deeply painful and personal. Enough that Shepard had held his hand, and watched over him when he'd been wounded… For a while, he'd truly found a good and sincere friend, someone that had cared for and trusted him.
Kaidan didn't know if that made it better or worse, though. The knowledge that they'd successfully managed to build such a meaningful connection together, only for him to utterly destroy that trust afterwards in a single strike…
He'd tried making things right. He'd gone to see Shepard shortly after being released from the med bay; he had wanted the chance to explain what had happened or, at the very least, to apologize. But before he'd had the chance to do so, the Commander had interrupted him curtly, saying in no uncertain terms that unless he wanted to talk about something directly related to the mission, he didn't want to hear it.
As melodramatic as it may have sounded, the gunshot to the chest had been less sudden, and less painful. He'd expected Shepard to be mad at him; after all, he probably had every right to be. Maybe yell at him again, even. But in all the time they'd spent together, he'd never been so cold or unforgiving. That, he hadn't been prepared for.
Kaidan had given it a few days… Tried to watch for an opening while finding excuses to go see him – needing him to sign a requisition order, or asking him to give him the okay before interrupting certain systems to initiate repair, for example – but each and every time, Shepard had been very to the point, his gaze icy and hard, almost as if there was no one there behind those eyes anymore.
He hated the fact that he couldn't help but feel that it was entirely his fault. That he'd been the one doing that to him; forcing Shepard back behind the heavy walls that he'd had to build at a certain point in his life to protect himself.
It wasn't so much what he'd told Shepard that bothered him, but howhe'd said it. The words coming out of his mouth had been too harsh, too aggressive, too direct. That he may have been right or wrong didn't matter. What mattered to him was that Shepard hadn't deserved being spoken to like that. Not from his Lieutenant, and especially not from his friend.
In moments like these, Kaidan wished that he could just go back in time to that moment where the fear and anger had taken over him, and be able to tell Shepard that they would talk about it once they were both less tired and rattled instead.
He still wasn't ready to give up, though. After all, Kaidan had always been a very patient man, and if there were any way that he could find to make things right between them again, he'd just have to keep looking until he found it. So, he still tried to make himself easily available… Still made a point of preparing a double set of protein shakes, though Shepard never took his… Still was the first one on deck whenever the Commander and his squad returned from a mission, even though Shepard would never meet his gaze, or even acknowledge his presence.
From an outside point of view, Kaidan supposed that his behavior might have looked rather pathetic, really. But he simply couldn't bring himself to accept that Shepard could just close himself off from the whole world like that. Not when he'd gotten the chance to get to know the wonderful and caring man that he knew was still within. He simply couldn't abandon him.
Their primary mission was also getting even more perilous and complex, despite the fact that they had made some significant progress. At least, from what he'd heard during the Noveria debrief.
They'd successfully found Matriarch Benezia, but hadn't been able to save her life as they had previously hoped – she had been the victim of indoctrination, a new tool Saren had in his employ. Apparently, Saren had found a way to suppress the will and mind of his victims, transforming them into his unwilling servants. Liara's mother had still shown remarkable strength and courage by finding a way to break free from indoctrination long enough to provide them with all the information that she knew, and allow herself to be defeated. She had refused their attempts to help her, and had instead chosen death as her only solution.
As could be expected, Liara was heartbroken, but she was still determined to push forward with the mission so that her mother's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain.
They'd also found that, contrary to popular belief, the rachni were not quite extinct. A single egg had remained, and from it a rachni queen had hatched. Once she had reached maturity, that queen had then been able to give birth to many children. Children that a group of scientists had sought to control in order to form an army.
However, without the proper guidance from their mother, these children had gone mad and aggressive, and, according to the queen, beyond saving. The queen had asked Shepard to kill them, in order to put an end to their torment. She'd also asked to be allowed to go free, and for the chance for her race to begin anew; she promised that she would teach her children about his forgiveness, and would pose no threat to the other species.
Shepard had chosen to believe her and set her free… And Kaidan had to admit that had he been there, he would probably have suggested that they make that same choice. While he did feel a bit uncomfortable getting involved in a decision that humanity had very little knowledge of, since they hadn't been around during the rachni wars… Condemning an entire race to extinction for the mistakes of their ancestors didn't feel right, either. They could only hope and pray that the rachni's intentions were genuine, and that she would keep her promise.
It had been hard, having to stay on board while Shepard had gone to that frozen planet with Liara and Ashley. Of course, since he'd still been healing from his injury at that time, it wasn't like he could have accompanied them anyway. But still, it hadn't done anything to lessen his worries…
No matter the cause, he'd discovered that it was very difficult for him to be left behind on the ship while he knew that Shepard was risking his life out there, wondering when and if he would be making it back to them. He'd been so used to regularly fighting alongside him and his squad so far that he was having a very hard time adjusting. And he didn't think that he ever would. Being forced to watch from the sidelines was driving him completely mad. If there was any work to be done somewhere on the ship and people needed help, Kaidan was always likely to be the first one to volunteer – anything to keep his mind off of how completely and utterly useless he felt.
So even if Shepard didn't feel like interacting on a more personal level with him anymore, he would have at least appreciated being allowed to keep doing the part of his job that he knew he was good at, and that he loved the most. He couldn't stand being cooped up when he knew that the galaxy wasn't safe out there, and that he could do something to make it better. Yeah, perhaps Shepard was right, and he was a bit of a romantic. Still didn't help his case much, though.
'So why exactly did I volunteer for this again?' Ashley thought to herself, as she found herself face to face with the door to the Commander's cabin. 'Oh, yes!' Because Joker had yet to learn about that people's skill called tact, Tali was afraid that she'd just end up stammering, Garrus hadn't been around humans long enough yet to be comfortable reading their body language, Dr. Chakwas wouldn't risk a conflict of interest, and Liara had enough on her mind with the death of her mother. And Wrex – well, Wrex really didn't seem to give a shit one way or another.
She, on the other hand, was a tough bitch that could take on anything! 'Damn right!' Including a potentially moody Commander Shepard… 'Well, better get on with it then.'
"Commander!" she called out, summoning the courage to knock on the door. "Open up! I've got to talk to you!"
Shepard looked up from where he'd been reading over a message on his omnitool, unable to keep from frowning at the tone lacing Ashley's voice – a niggling voice in the back of his head told him to duck for cover, but he ignored it as he deactivated the interface and crossed the room.
It had been weeks since any of his crew had come to see him in his cabin. In fact, the last person he'd allowed inside had been Kaidan, when he'd brought him food after the mission on Ontarom. He felt his mouth twist a bit. He couldn't even look Kaidan in the eye anymore after what he'd said to him in the med bay.
After that exchange, he hadn't been able to look anyone in the eye without feeling completely and utterly exposed. He felt like a damn egg with its shell cracked and falling away, piece by piece, and he couldn't help but feel like Kaidan was the one who had cracked him. He'd spent so long retreating from everyone, pulling back behind a wall, that when he'd finally taken the time to peek around the corner, the whole thing had crumbled. It was embarrassing for him to feel so paranoid when speaking to the rest of his crew, but after what Kaidan had told him… he didn't want to risk opening himself up like that again.
And if that meant building that wall back up again and standing firmly behind it, then so be it. Kaidan himself had said it – he was a Spectre now. He had responsibilities and a mission dire enough that it might affect the galaxy as a whole. Going around getting touchy-feely with his crew wasn't going to help when zero hour came and they weren't ready to do their jobs. So, he'd hardened up, shaken out his Commander title and put it to use.
And all he had to do was convince himself that the productivity was worth it.
He opened the door, finding Ashley standing firmly on the other side. "Make it quick, Williams. I have a top priority mission from Hackett waiting and I need to get to the bridge."
"Look Commander, I know that whatever happened between you and Alenko isn't any of my damn business. And you have the right to do your work and spend your downtime as you see fit," she began immediately, hoping to be able to get her message through before Shepard could interrupt and send her away, "but the rest of the crew is getting really worried about the LT. He's been spending the last few weeks either working, moping around, isolating himself in any dark corner that he's been able to find on the ship, or, as Joker would put it, sending 'puppy dog eyes' your way, sir."
Well, that was the brief summary of their collective observations. If she had more time she might have gone into more detail, but it was clear she didn't. "Plus, according to Dr. Chakwas, there's been a significant increase in the frequency and intensity of his migraines; not to mention that he's also been losing weight. And before you ask, it doesn't appear to be related in any way to his recent physical injury. The doctor's guess is that it's stress related."
She paused, giving Shepard the time to process all of the information that she'd just basically thrown at him. Well, he did ask her to make it quick, and she was usually rather good at following orders.
"Just thought that, as acting Captain of the ship, you'd have wanted to know how your second-in-command was doing," she said, trying to keep any reproach out of her voice and getting ready to bolt out of there if need be.
Shepard stared at her for a long moment, before sighing heavily and rubbing the bridge of his nose with a scowl. He shook his head for a moment, before lowering his hand and pinning her with a look. "If it's because I stopped taking him on missions, then that's a personal problem he's going to have to work through on his own. He questioned my authority and my judgment on the field, and because of that, he's become a liability in combat. Until I know that he can trust my decisions, then he's grounded."
That was a convenient lie, and Shepard knew it. Yes, Kaidan's actions on the field were the catalyst for their blow-up in the med bay, and the cause of Shepard's initial anger. But that had changed very quickly. He had gone from being angry with Kaidan for putting himself in danger in order to undermine Shepard's tactics, to being angry with Kaidan for ripping apart his reasoning, judging his motivations, and the worst part – seeing right through him like he was made of glass. And he'd spent the last three weeks trying to choke down the sense of regret, that he had no right to be angry with him, and that he'd just ruined something that was far more important than his need to be in control on the battlefield. He saved your sorry ass – more than once – and you thank him by yelling at him and then avoiding him like a leper. Really fucking smooth, Shepard.
But it didn't stop him from saying it and trying to convince Ashley otherwise. He didn't need the whole crew to know that he was avoiding Kaidan for personal reasons, not taking him on missions because he couldn't bear the thought of him getting hurt again because of his actions. He couldn't even speak to him because he didn't know what he would say. He was too afraid of what might happen if he let him get too close again; of what he might see, what else he might find. Some wounds took longer to heal than others, and some of the things Kaidan had said… it was like ripping off the scabs and starting all over again. But Ashley definitely didn't need to know that, even though it was easy to tell she wasn't entirely convinced.
Ashley looked at Shepard curiously for a few seconds. What she hadn't told him was that his squad was starting to get a bit worried about him, too. They knew that the two of them had gotten pretty close since the mission had begun, and ever since they'd apparently had that confrontation in the med bay, Shepard had begun to section himself off from the rest of the crew as well. Somehow, the Commander was just a bit better at hiding his feelings and faking complete detachment.
"Well, forgive me for asking, sir. But have you given him a chance to explain himself?" she tried tentatively. "Perhaps he's revised his opinion and is ready to follow your orders without questioning them now. You'll never know unless you ask, though." And even less if every time that Kaidan comes to see you, you turn him down, she thought to herself.
Shepard's expression faltered, and he looked away. "He made it abundantly clear that he doesn't trust my combat tactics. I won't risk him getting injured again trying to play hero," he replied, tone hardening with the harshness of his words. But it was partly true; even if Kaidan had miraculously changed his mind since their argument, there was no guarantee that he wouldn't go right back to sacrificing his efforts and concentration trying to keep Shepard safe when he'd made it abundantly clear that he didn't want him to. And if Shepard had to choose between grounding him and watching him get killed… Well, did he really need to answer that question?
Ashley smiled sadly… So that's what it was really all about, wasn't it?
"You know my unit back on Eden Prime, the 212? Some of those people, I'd served with ever since we enlisted in the Alliance. That woman whose husband we met on the Citadel, Nirali Bahtia…" she said, pausing for a few seconds to give Shepard the chance to remember the encounter, "…she kept listening to recordings of Samesh's voice every single night. At first, I found it a little annoying, but then I figured 'hey! Whatever keeps her happy!' You know? That was supposed to be her last mission, and then she was going to retire to spend more time with him. They were going to open a restaurant together, and start a family…"
She swallowed hard, trying to keep the shaking out of her voice. "But of course, she will never get to do that. Nirali was the last one of us to fall." Even to this day, she still couldn't help but wonder why she had been the one to make it, when a woman that had so much to look forward to - a devoted husband that loved her more than anything in the world, even after years of marriage… A lifelong dream she wanted to fulfill… was gone. Despite her beliefs in something greater and hopefully better, she had often found herself wondering if this time, God had made a mistake.
"I went to see Liara, after her mother died," she went on, continuing her line of thoughts. "I guess I wanted to know how the asari managed to cope with the fact that they lived so long, while people around them kept dying. I mean, when I lost my father, I figured that it would be just a few decades before he got to hold me in his arms again, if I ever made it that far… But Liara? She has hundreds and hundreds of years to look forward to before she ever sees her mother again." It was funny how she used to envy the asari, and even resent them for their longevity in the past. Getting the chance to live so long and experience so much, it had always seemed incredibly exciting. But now, she knew that such a long lifespan came with a heavy price… The asari were surprisingly strong and resilient people to be able to keep on going for so long.
"She told me that asari are taught from the time they are very young to value, enjoy, and cherish the time they are given to spend with a loved one," she explained, recalling Liara's words. "They see it as a gift; each and every single soul that ever touches their lives being a blessing, a miracle in itself. Whenever they fall in love with a human or even a salarian, they believe that the pain they feel at their loss is only a tribute to how strong the love that they shared was; proof that this person's gift of love and companionship was truly pure, and worthwhile."
She took a deep breath, her expression turning once again sad and thoughtful. "She then asked me if I could say that I regretted having gotten to know every single one of the people in my unit; every single member of that squad that I'd led into battle until then, and that had put their trust in me. If I could say that I would rather never have been touched by them in my life at all," she said, her eyes glistening as she fought back tears.
"And no matter how much I wish that I had died alongside them sometimes… Or what I'd be ready to give for our places to be exchanged, so I wouldn't be the one left mourning the wonderful comrades I had," she said sincerely, fully knowing that there was nothing that she wouldn't have been ready to give up for them, and drawing comfort from that knowledge. "I know that I can't regret any of the moments that we've shared, sir. Despite the pain, I have no regrets; and I'd rather keep the pain than ever having to completely let them go."
She sighed, trying to collect herself. "I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I can understand and respect what you are trying to do, sir. But if you want to keep Kaidan out of the fight because you know that he's willing to risk his life for a friend, then perhaps you should think about grounding all of us too," she added in a quiet voice.
"Because as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather die than lose either one of you; or even one of the aliens, sir. And if I feel so strongly about this, I know that I'm not the only one." The truth was that no matter how hard someone tried to keep others safe, they could never entirely control the circumstances that they would be faced with, or how others would respond to them. Ultimately, it was unfair and selfish to ask others to preserve their own lives at any cost, when they knew how painful it was to be the one left to mourn. It didn't make the prospect of ever having to lose any of them easier, though.
Shepard was silent for a long time, expression flickering in varying states of conflict and understanding as he considered Ashley's words. If he had even considered pulling back in defense, the idea was long gone. He wasn't going to perpetuate a lie when it was just that – a lie. And Ashley had hit the nail on the head, driving home just how foolish he was being. He knew from the beginning that he was wrong, but it was made all the more tangible when it was said to his face. When it was just his own thoughts, he could deny and deny and deny, justifying lies and convincing himself that it was for the best. But looking at Ashley as she looked at him, eyes shining with suppressed tears, baring part of herself in an effort to show him that he wasn't alone and that he had options to deal with his suffering beyond taking it out on the people who cared about him… It was all he could do not to just sink into the ground out of complete and utter shame.
"I'm… not going to argue with you, Chief. Not when I know that you're right," he finally conceded in a quiet voice, tearing his eyes away from her face so he could stare at a point somewhere to his left. "It's just… It's difficult to get out of the mindset that when I look at my crew, all I see is another Akuze waiting to happen. And I know I don't have enough strength left to handle more loss. Especially if that loss is because of my actions, for the sake of my survival. That's why… why things happened the way they did with Kaidan. And that's selfish of me, being more concerned about the idea of suffering more loss than allowing my crew the freedom to make their own decisions on the battlefield. I still don't like the idea of my squad dying trying to protect me, but… that's not my decision to make."
Saying it out loud had a sobering effect on him, he realized. The last bits of anger, frustration, and self-hatred still hazing around the corners of his mind seemed to dissipate. Now he just felt ashamed. He sighed, before forcing himself to make eye contact with Ashley again. "At this point, I owe each and every single one of you an apology. And I'm sorry, Ashley. I'm sorry that you had to tell me these things just to make me realize how foolish I'm being. And… I appreciate it. I appreciate the openness, and I appreciate the empathy. And I'm just sorry that I shoved everyone aside like that, you included." He paused for a long moment, before continuing. "You and I… we've both seen it. We've lost people that we wanted to protect. The difference is that you've turned it around into something positive, remembering how important those soldiers were to you despite how painful it was to lose them like that. I…"
His expression twisted and he had to look away again to hide it. "I'm not that strong. It's been six years and I'm still letting that pain control me. I just pretend like it's not."
"I understand, sir. As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to be sorry for," she said gently, thinking that for a man that claimed not being strong, he was doing an amazing job owning up to his mistakes. That, in itself, took plenty of strength and courage.
"And perhaps one of the reasons why it seems like I'm having an easier time adjusting to what happened on Eden Prime is because I still have people around me that I strongly care about, and that are doing their very best to help me deal with the loss," she explained, remembering that whenever she felt like the whole world was collapsing around her, her loved ones always managed to give her something to hold on to. "There's my mother and sisters, a few friends back on Earth… My new team here, on the Normandy, and even you, sir," she added, offering him a shy smile.
"Without them, I'd probably feel completely lost and already dead inside," she admitted, remembering how many times she'd found comfort in the knowledge that if she ever needed to talk, one of her sisters was only one click away. "They're what gives me the will to fight through the pain, and find my way back to them."
"That strength is in you," she said with conviction, not doubting it for a single minute. "Maybe all you need is a little help to find it."
"I'm just glad that your idea of help didn't involve punching me. After how I've been acting, I'd be inclined to allow it," Shepard said, a slight smile gracing his lips – he realized that it was probably the first time he'd smiled in weeks. It felt strange and awkward but he felt good, knowing he could still do it. "I… I appreciate this, Ash. Thank you."
He paused, however, raising his forearm to chest level and looking down at his omnitool as a slight frown worked its way across his features. "I need you to do me a favor, if it's all right. I need you to take these coordinates up to the bridge and have Joker set a course. It's top priority from Hackett," he explained, tapping a command into his omnitool so the message would transfer to Ashley's device. "I… I need to go speak with Kaidan."
Ashley nodded with a smile. "Sure thing, Commander," she said, activating her own omnitool to make sure that she had the coordinates. "Oh, and one more thing." She took one step closer towards Shepard.
"Last time I saw the LT, he was in the crew quarters with the lights almost out," she told him, raising her hands to level with his head and gently putting a little pressure on his temples, moving her fingers in small circular motions. Shepard looked immensely confused for a moment, but he didn't pull away.
"You feel that? The more sensitive spots right here, on both sides?" she asked, waiting for Shepard to nod in response. "If he's still in a lot of pain, and you want to help him through it, doing a small massage like that should help," she said, shrugging a little as she removed her hands from Shepard's head. "You know, I'm just saying… He might be more receptive to what you have to say if your voice isn't competing with the pounding in his head." She then took a step back.
"Now go, I don't want to keep you."
Shepard would have like to say more, maybe thank her further for her help, but as it stood the only thing on his mind at that moment was making things right with Kaidan before it was too late. If it wasn't too late already. He'd shoved the other man so far away that there might be no chance at all to recover – a painful thought, but he couldn't rule it out. And he definitely wouldn't blame Kaidan for shutting him out. He deserved far worse.
He nodded his thanks to the Chief, before sliding past her and walking towards the crew quarters. Thankfully he didn't encounter anyone on the way there – at least, none of the crewmembers he passed made any moves to intercept him. He was suddenly and acutely aware that they seemed to part ways around him and took to drifting further away if he walked near them, like there was some kind of reverse magnetic field keeping everyone at least ten paces away from him on all sides. He hadn't noticed it before, but now it was obvious – Kaidan wasn't the only one he'd shoved away. That sense of shame bubbled to life in his stomach once again, but he swallowed it down and held himself straight as he stopped at the door to the crew quarters.
He opened the door before he could even think about hesitating, stifling the voice in the back of his head that was trying to yell at him to turn around and leave. To think about what he was about to do before he did it. But he rarely ever stopped to plan these things out – he operated on instinct and impulse. Reckless, but effective… at least, in some circumstances. Maybe this wasn't one of them. But it was too late because the door was sliding shut behind him as he stepped into the room, pausing to let his eyes adjust to the near-absent light.
The bunks were empty and made up neatly, aside from the one in the far back corner – there was a figure laying prone on it, an arm thrown over his eyes and from what he could see of his expression, it was twisted in discomfort and pain. He caught him wincing at the sound of the door swishing closed and the sound his boots soles made on the metal floor as he crossed the room.
He didn't even bother introducing himself or trying to start up a conversation. He and Kaidan were past small talk at this point, and trying to start things out on a false lighthearted note would just be an insult to the both of them. He wasn't going to pretend that the last few weeks hadn't happened, either. But he wasn't going to drop heavy conversation on him when he was battling a migraine.
The most important thing right now was showing Kaidan that he still cared – that he hadn't acted the way he had because he'd stopped. He had never stopped, he'd just… hidden it. Not that that was any more justified, because it wasn't. Nothing Shepard had done was justified.
"Hey," he whispered – he tried to avoid startling him or causing his head to hurt worse, but it didn't work. He saw him jump a bit in surprise, immediately lowering his arm to look at the man standing over him as though he needed to confirm it was he who had spoken. Shepard didn't give him a chance to voice his thoughts, however. "Sit up."
He received a questioning look in response, and he responded by jerking his head to the side. "Trust me. Sit up."
He waited for Kaidan to comply, before he sat down behind him and immediately slid into a more comfortable position with a leg on either side of the Lieutenant. He saw him tense a bit in confusion and discomfort at the strange position they were suddenly in, but he didn't complain or question his actions.
"Relax for me, okay?" Shepard murmured, before reaching up and pressing his fingertips to Kaidan's temples, doing his best to gently mimic the motions Ashley had shown him earlier. "Is this helping?"
"Much," Kaidan replied quietly, taking in a shaky breath, and allowing his head to fall back against Shepard's shoulder. He tried his best to relax and let go of the tension that had accumulated in his body, completely giving in to the other man's touch, his upper back lazily resting on Shepard's torso, almost melding into him…
He could feel himself trembling lightly, and could only hope that Shepard wouldn't take notice. Actually, it was almost a good thing that his migraine was so intense right now, or else he would have been tempted to dismiss what was happening as a dream. He didn't know what had happened for Shepard to suddenly decide to come see him, and act so caringly, especially after having been so cold and distant over the last few weeks; but right now, it didn't matter.
All the mattered is that he was here... And Kaidan had to fight back the urge to simply turn around, gather the other man in his arms, and allow himself to just break down completely, feeling safe once again in the comfort of his embrace. Instead, he just laid there, eyes closed, in a strange state of both pleasure and pain, profound anguish mixed with overwhelming relief.
He kept trying to take deep, calming breaths… Giving his mind some time to clear, his feelings to settle a little and make sense, and the pulsing pain in his head to lessen some more before attempting to say anything. Right now, all that would come out of his mouth was likely to be some garbled mess anyway. Besides, part of him was worried that he'd just end up pushing Shepard away from him once more, and for the moment being, he craved the contact and needed him too strongly to allow it to happen.
Whether it was because of Shepard's presence or the massage itself, the headache finally began to clear out after a few minutes.
"I've missed you…" Kaidan said in a strangled voice, barely above a whisper. The words had come out of his mouth before he'd had the chance to stop them, having voiced his thoughts without even thinking. He winced as he realized how pitiful he sounded. "And I'm so, so sorry…" he added, grateful that he was now being given the chance to say it.
The movements of Shepard's hands stopped for a moment in hesitation, before he resumed the massage. "You don't have anything to apologize for, Kaidan," he whispered back, trying to put as much sincerity into his words as he could. "I was the one who was acting foolish. I had no right to speak to you the way I did, and the way I've been treating you has been unforgiveable. Instead of trying to work things out I pushed you and everyone else away, and I shouldn't have done that."
He sighed, shaking his head slightly. "I put my inability to cope with loss above my squad's rights to make their own decisions on the battlefield," he said, repeating what he'd said to Ashley before, "And as much as I hate the idea of someone dying to protect me, it's not my decision to make. That's not something I can, or should, control."
His expression twisted in sadness for a moment and he was glad that Kaidan couldn't see his face. "You saved my life, Kaidan, and I yelled at you. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything, for hurting you and disrespecting your decisions and… everything." He cracked a slight smile, however, unable to stop the soft, shaking laugh that escaped. "And I'm sorry I keep giving you heart attacks on the battlefield. I'll try to hold back on the reckless headfirst tactics."
Kaidan chuckled slightly, though it had a pained edge to it. "I'd really appreciate that, Commander," he said, feeling deeply touched and a little overwhelmed by Shepard's words. "I'm still sorry, though," he added quietly, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"I'm sorry that I immediately went on the defensive, instead of giving you some time to come to terms with everything that had just happened… I'm sorry that I let my own fears and frustrations take over, and ended up confronting you so harshly on sensitive issues that I should have treated with more tact, patience, and respect," he said sincerely, still feeling like he had quite his share of responsibilities in how things had gone down between them.
"I was out of line back there… You're a good friend, but you're also my commanding officer. And the way I spoke to you, I feel like I basically treated you like a child. That was definitely uncalled for," he admitted, feeling somewhat ashamed that he'd let it go this far in the first place.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, or throw you for a loop like I did." After all, if he'd handled things better back then, Shepard would probably never have felt the need to retreat behind a protective wall in the first place. "So yeah, I guess I'm really sorry too, Shepard..."
Shepard gave a quiet laugh under his breath, shaking his head again. "I don't think the message would have gone through if you had waited. It's probably for the best that you came down on me like that – I wouldn't have learned anything otherwise. I'm just sorry that I reacted so immaturely. I ask for criticism, and when I get it, I run. I'm not setting a very good example, am I?"
Kaidan returned the laugh. "Well, I figured that I was just lucky that I didn't get thrown in the brig for insubordination," he joked with a little shrug. "I guess we're really two shining examples of the Alliance's finest and brightest, aren't we?"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Shepard; most Commanders I've served with wouldn't even have tolerated any form of criticism in the first place," he added, sitting up slowly and turning around, cross-legged, so that they were now facing. As pleasant as the head massage was, and as tempting as it would have been to let Shepard continue; now that he was feeling better, he didn't want to abuse his kindness.
"So, you and I, we're good, right?" he asked, feeling a bit silly for asking the question when so much had already been said; yet still needing that reassurance, for some reason.
A soft smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he gave a short nod. "We're good. I mean, so long as you're good. Because I'm good."
He pulled his legs back in so he was sitting cross-legged as well, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. "I just received a priority mission from Hackett. We're going to investigate an Alliance facility on Gellix that just went dark. I… wanted to ask you if you'd like to be on the drop team."
Kaidan laughed. "And here I was just about to ask you if you were planning on letting me go play outside for a bit soon. I think you just read my mind, Commander," he said with an excited smile, happy to receive confirmation that he was officially allowed to return to work. Well, the fun part of his job, that is. While he wasn't the type of soldier that tended to underestimate the danger they were in or make light of it, as Shepard had no doubt found out, he was still a man of action.
"I think that Joker would have ended up putting little tags on every panel of the Normandy saying 'mine,' or something like that otherwise," he said, remembering the annoyed looks that the pilot had been sending his way over the last few weeks. "When I don't know what to do with myself, I tend to start maintaining all of the ship's systems; and I think that Joker's a bit possessive when it comes to his baby. I swear the man would probably try dating the ship if he could!"
Shepard snorted with laughter. "Don't give him any ideas, he might try anyway," he said, before his smile flattened out a bit and he grew more somber. "I really am sorry I grounded you, though. I had no right to punish you like that." He rubbed the side of his neck as a somewhat sheepish look crossed his face. "And I was so busy scolding you that I never thanked you for saving my life. So… thank you, Kaidan. If it weren't for you I would be a bloody smear on the battlefield, probably ten times over at this point."
Kaidan was rather grateful for the fact that the lights were so low… Or else the Commander would probably have seen him blush. Again. Why was it that Shepard always managed to get him so flustered, for some reason? "Well, I happen to believe that you're well worth saving, Shepard," he replied with a gentle, genuine smile. "Besides, if you hadn't gotten to me in time when I got shot, and given me something tangible to hold on to, I probably wouldn't be here," he said, remembering how the Commander had remained by his side and supported him every step of the way.
"You know, I lied…" he added with a soft sigh "…I wasn't doing it for the mission; although, it is true that you are what's keeping the mission together, and we can't quite afford to lose you without suffering a major drawback," he pointed out.
"I wanted to keep you safe simply because I was terrified to lose you," he said sincerely, looking away a bit shyly. "I mean, I know that what we are doing is dangerous and there's always a risk but… If something had happened to you while I knew that I could have done something to stop it, I don't think that I would have been able to forgive myself afterwards."
He looked down at his hands, fidgeting with them nervously. "I just thought you should know."
Shepard smiled a little at that, before reaching over and laying a comforting hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "I think that's something that both you and I can agree on. When I found out that you had gotten hurt because you were trying to protect me… I was so ashamed of myself." His expression faltered, and he looked down as well. "When I saw you get hit… everything just froze. I wasn't thinking about the mission, or me, or the enemy – the only thing that mattered was making sure you were alive. Losing a soldier under my command is difficult enough; I didn't want to lose someone I care about. Not if I could help it."
As Shepard spoke to him, Kaidan had found the courage to look back up. He didn't know why, but he could've sworn that his heart was beating faster as their eyes met, something deep within him stirring. "I remember you asking me to hold on, and I did, didn't I?" he asked with a soft smile. "So how about we give this another try?" he said, before realizing that he was being a little vague, and clarifying his meaning. "Next time we get out there, let's do what we can to keep both of us safe. You keep taking calculated risks, and I'll keep providing support; but in a way where we can both watch each other's back," he offered.
"Ultimately, I might be ready to give my life for you or the mission, Shepard. But truthfully, I'd rather not have to. Because I would be losing you all the same," he said, realizing that the thought of abandoning Shepard, even against his will, was almost as painful to him as the thought of being left behind. He truly didn't want to be responsible for putting him through that kind of pain, either.
"Our fighting skills and abilities already complement each other pretty well," he pointed out. "Think we can do this?" he asked, fully willing to trust Shepard on the battlefield as long as he knew that they were both working towards the same goal. Successfully making it out of there together in one piece.
A slight smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he nodded in response. "We can do this. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I think we've got it," he said with a slight laugh, before he offered Kaidan a genuine smile. "I trust you. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure that you can trust me as well."
He could feel a tightening in his chest as they held eye contact, and he tried to write it off as apprehension. He'd been so nervous, so scared that he'd permanently damaged his friendship with Kaidan – it was like a massive weight had been lifted off of his shoulders now that they were sitting here, able to smile and laugh and know that they could trust each other. So why did it still feel like someone was squeezing his heart in a vice?
I would be losing you all the same.
Something about the way Kaidan had said it, the tone of his words, made Shepard's heart beat faster, a lump rising unbidden into his throat that he was forced to swallow down quickly. He'd always been focused so heavily on the idea of having to cope with losing another crewmember or a friend, that he'd completely neglected how his dying might affect those around him. Up until then he'd always held everyone at arm's length to avoid putting anyone through the pain he had been through, and in turn he had avoided feeling that pain once again if he were to lose them as well.
But that was the root of the problem, wasn't it? He was so obsessed with stopping that before it happened that he'd given in to recklessness and self-destruction, opting to sacrifice himself if only to never have to feel the loss associated with watching his comrades die. And that wasn't fair for them, because he was taking away their right to make their own decisions. A part of him was still in vehement denial, refusing to even accept the possibility that the time might come where Kaidan or any of his other crewmates would have to sacrifice themselves for the sake of a mission or worse – for the sake of his survival. But that was a reality he was going to have to accept.
"I should probably let you get some more rest," he finally said, breaking off the eye contact awkwardly and moving to get off of the bed, pulling himself into a stand using the railing lining the top bunk. "It'll probably be another couple of days before we reach Gellix."
"Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan said, lying back down, yet still looking up at him. "Just please make sure that you send in someone to wake me up before the next debrief session, though," he asked, knowing that he had a tendency to be a pretty deep sleeper. Especially since he hadn't exactly been sleeping well over the last couple of weeks - too many thoughts, nightmares, or headaches... So yeah, he probably had some catching up to do in the dozing department.
Shepard chuckled under his breath. "Sure thing," he said, before pushing away from the bunk and leaving the room.
He had to pause on the other side of the door, however, not only giving himself time to adjust to the change in lighting but to stop his legs from quaking. He'd gone in there fully expecting to receive a punch to the face or at the very least another verbal lashing, but if anything, felt like the connection between he and Kaidan had only gotten stronger. So why the hell did he feel so damn nervous?
It had been a long, long time since someone else had gotten this close to him and made him feel this way. He wasn't used to it – to the idea that he cared about someone and they cared about him in return. And it definitely didn't help that it was a fellow soldier, someone he was supposed to lead and fight alongside. It was difficult not to give into that mindset again, that he had to do everything within his power to protect his crew because of how much they meant to him. But then he would have to remind himself that that mindset was what had gotten Kaidan hurt and had shoved everyone away.
It didn't make it any easier to bear, however.
He sighed in frustration, rubbing his forehead for a moment and trying to will the thoughts away. He wasn't going to revert, not after what he and Kaidan had just spoken about. He was better than that. They had made a commitment to one another and he was going to do everything in his power to honor it. It was really that simple.
If only he could convince his thoughts otherwise.
He shoved away from the door finally, heading back towards his cabin. He had a lot of mending to do and not a lot of time to do it – he'd need to start by calling a meeting, if only to clear the air with his team. He hadn't exactly been open and willing to listen to their concerns as of late, so holding a debrief was about as close to killing multiple birds with one stone as he could get. He sighed to himself – this was going to be an interesting email.
They held the debriefing the next day – Shepard had considered holding it as soon as possible, only to remember that Kaidan needed rest and the last thing he wanted to do was drag him out of the crew quarters for a meeting when he was still fighting a headache. So he'd let him rest, and was grateful to see that the next day he looked much better when he'd settled into his seat in the briefing room.
The meeting went well enough. They covered all of the knowledge they had gathered so far, from the beacon on Eden Prime to the location of the Mu Relay they had gained from Matriarch Benezia. Liara's attempts at melding her mind with Shepard's had been mostly unsuccessful so far, only producing a jumble of nightmarish images of protheans being slaughtered. There was still no definitive lead as to where Saren planned on finding the "Conduit" – or even what it was supposed to do – and there were far too many systems connected to the Mu Relay to even consider deducing which one he was headed for.
In the end their debrief session devolved into a theory-slinging contest, but it was far better than what they had had in the past. He didn't say it out loud but Shepard was pleased to see everyone working together, piecing their thoughts together and trying to find ways their theories might coalesce. Things had started off uncomfortable and silent – not a surprise – but before long they were tossing around ideas, concerns, and questions, and he was more than happy to listen to all of it.
While not much had been gained from the meeting, he was glad to at least see that everyone had relaxed, finally coming to the realization that he wasn't going to snap at them anymore. It was a sudden change and they seemed a bit confused at first, but in the end, the relief was tangible and that was all that mattered to Shepard.
He couldn't help but feel concerned, however – every time he looked over to Kaidan to see if he had anything to say, he noticed that the other man was tense, expression pensive. But despite his obvious concern, he never once said anything beyond agreeing or disagreeing with the ideas being tossed around in front of him. He got the distinct feeling that he had something important he wanted to bring up, but was choosing not to. And the couple of times Shepard directly called him out and asked him if he had any concerns, he was met with a shaking head and a terse expression.
Once the meeting had ended and the crew filtered out of the room, back to their usual posts, Shepard decided to take his chances. He wandered out onto the crew deck and eventually found Kaidan sitting at the mess, looking no less pensive.
"Hey," he said to get his attention, pulling out a chair across from him and sitting down, arms crossed on the table. "I'm getting the feeling you wanted to say something back there. Thoughts?"
"Yeah," Kaidan replied, running a hand through his hair. Despite everything they'd accomplished so far, and every new lead they had found, he still couldn't believe that the Council didn't want to get more involved. After all, the information about the Mu Relay and Saren's ability to control minds had come straight from Matriarch Benezia, one of the leaders of the asari people. They'd like to think that the asari councilor would at the very least have taken interest and suggested more resources.
Of course not! It had been much more productive for them, apparently, to berate the Commander on having let the rachni queen go free instead. While he could understand their concern, they were once again disregarding the more pressing issues they were all faced with.
"Sorry, Commander, but the debriefing wasn't the right place to say how ridiculous this is," he said with an exasperated sigh. "Seems like every other race is wrapped up in their own problems. They don't wanna see what's coming."
"Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me," Shepard snorted, shaking his head. While it didn't surprise him in the slightest that the Council would rather bury their heads in the sand than face what was a very real threat, it didn't stop it from being any less aggravating. It crossed over into infuriating territory when he had to deal with political fences stopping him from doing his job right – thankfully being a Spectre was enough of a boost to get him over most of those hurdles, but it didn't stop him from having to listen to the Council's passive-aggressive criticism of his decisions. The last communication he'd had with them – after the mission on Noveria – he'd been so frustrated with their accusations on top of everything else that he'd hung up on them. He wasn't looking forward to explaining that one during their next meeting, but at the same time, he really didn't care.
"Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough," Kaidan conceded, having had enough personal experience with aliens to know that when it truly came down to it, they really weren't all that different. Sure, there were some obvious cultural differences and such. But even humans back on Earth had a pretty colorful set of different traditions, values, and mentalities around the globe.
"I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus," Kaidan added quietly, a bit surprised that he was feeling the need to bring it up.
Shepard leaned forward on his elbows, brow knitting in confusion and worry. The last time they'd spoken, Kaidan hadn't seemed very keen on going into detail concerning his past with the turian mercenary. He had the vague idea that the BAaT instructor was a harsh rule breaker with methods that were most likely bordering illegal – especially considering the fact that Kaidan had hinted his being responsible for a few student deaths thanks to his pushing. "I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus," he said, choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to come right out and ask him about it – he was going to leave it up to him to share that information if he deemed it necessary.
"Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do," Kaidan said with a little shrug. "I mean, it's only been twenty-six years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them." Actually, it was surprising that they weren't involved in more conflicts and wars with them, even outside of citadel space. Sure, things between different species could get pretty tense at times, but overall, the animosity remained under control.
"It was Vyrnnus who made me see how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints, just like us," he said, before sighing. "Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore," he added regretfully, staring at a point in the distance, trying to hide the haunted look in his eyes.
"It takes a lot to make you snap," Shepard said with a slight frown, remembering their confrontation in the med bay – it took a gaping wound to the chest and large doses of painkillers for him to come right out and tell Shepard exactly what he thought about his battlefield tactics in less-than-amiable words. And even then he seemed to have control over himself, not allowing himself to cross that threshold between being angry and becoming violent. He realized that whatever had happened, it must have been serious if it had provoked him into physical retaliation. "What finally did it?"
"He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know?" Kaidan said, daring to look in the Commander's direction once again. He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide how much he should be telling him. The gentle, open, and understanding look that Shepard had often offered him before was back… But Kaidan couldn't help but feel like it was a very fragile thing now. One false move, and he would lose him all over again. It was silly, as Shepard had made it abundantly clear that the reason why he'd pulled away from him for a while didn't have anything to do with no longer caring for, or trusting him.
What surprised Kaidan the most, perhaps, is that for the very first time in his life, he actually wanted to tell someone about everything that had happened on that day. Not because it was part of some therapy, not because he was being forced to. Just… because. It was hard to describe, but it was as if he wanted Shepard to like and hopefully accept him for who he was. Not the person others expected him to be.
"Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was gonna do. Just something," he finally went on, feeling his heart picking up speed as he relived the events of that day, hiding his hands under the table so that Shepard wouldn't notice them shaking. "And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back to the Stone Age."
He took a deep breath. "That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face." Even to this day, he could still feel its sharp edge resting against his lower lip. "I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now," he explained. "At seventeen, that's something."
Shepard listened intently, painting a mental picture of the events in question – he tried to imagine a seventeen year old Kaidan, heroically stepping up to protect a fragile girl against a big, evil turian. In retrospect it wasn't all that surprising; Kaidan was a protective type of person, sacrificing his own personal safety to protect those weaker or more vulnerable than him. Though judging by the look on his face, the way his voice shook, the exchange had hardly been heroic – it had probably been downright terrifying. A teenager with an angry alien responsible for his and everyone else's misery holding a knife to his face… It was no wonder he had lashed out. If not to avenge Rahna, but to protect himself and everyone else Vyrnnus might hurt.
"You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing," he said in a soft voice, trying to keep his expression and tone understanding. It was clear this was something Kaidan had lived with for a while, to varying degrees of acceptance. Just speaking about it was probably taking extraordinary amounts of willpower. The last thing Shepard wanted was to make him feel as though he was being judged. To be honest… put in his situation, he probably would have done the exact same thing. There was no way he could deny that.
Though he was touched that Shepard seemed to think so, Kaidan still couldn't help but feel like his good intentions would never be enough to make up for what happened next. "Maybe my intentions were noble, but I... I lost control," he said, voice filled with shame.
"I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck." He had to wince at that... Remembering the sharp snapping noise, and the way that the turian had just laid there afterwards, entirely motionless, head unnaturally bent to one side.
"They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't." Everyone that had been at the scene, including some of the other scientists and Conatix employees that had been alerted by the noise from the commotion and Vyrnnus' angry screams, had remained frozen on the spot. The kids had been too shocked to react, too. When the turian had begun violently beating him up, most of them had immediately moved to the far end of the class, keeping as quiet as possible, petrified that they were going to be next if they dared bring any attention to themselves.
Of all the things that they had come to expect, watching Vyrnnus go down like that, struck down by one of their own, obviously hadn't been one of them. To them, their teacher had always been some larger than life invincible monster... It was as if their minds couldn't process what they'd just witnessed - that he was just a man that could be defeated, after all.
Even to Kaidan, the whole situation had suddenly felt very surreal. He remembered sitting there, out of breath, blood running down his face, nose and mouth... And feeling just... numb. Until one of the scientists had finally come to help him up and brought him to the infirmary, long after Vyrnnus' body had been removed.
Sometimes, he had to wonder if the other employees hadn't just purposely let the turian die. After all, they had to have known what he was really doing to his students... They had to know who had been directly or indirectly responsible for some of the kids' deaths, even if they did their best to cover up Vyrnnus' involvement. Conatix wanted results at any costs, but surely some of them must have had a conscience, and disagreed with the way that their bosses had been running things.
"Caused a stir when they shipped him home," he said, remembering that the Alliance had feared that it would end up causing yet another huge diplomatic incident with the turians. "BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple years later," he explained, his eyes taking on a faraway look. So there Shepard had it, the story behind why everything about BAaT and his own files were so solidly classified.
"It's funny, I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened," he added quietly. He remembered having often wondered what kind of person Vyrnnus could have been in the past… What were the reasons why he'd ended up carrying such hate and anger towards humans; such need to dominate them, and watch them suffer as he did. Maybe he'd ended up losing a great personal deal in the First Contact war, and had never entirely recovered from it… Maybe he was suffering just as much as they were, and chose to express it through violence and taking it out on the world instead.
Maybe that was part of the reason why Kaidan had never wanted to let his own pain or anger ever turn to violence; because he could never imagine putting someone else through what he'd been forced to endure. That cycle had needed to end somewhere… And while he'd unwittingly set Vyrnnus free from it, he'd been the one left to carry the consequences.
"I wouldn't shed any tears over Vyrnnus," Shepard offered in a soft voice. He could tell speaking about this was incredibly painful for Kaidan, and it was difficult not to just reach over and take his hand in his own – anything to offer him some form of comfort, to let him know that what he did was nothing to regret or carry like a burden. But he refrained, not wanting to do anything inappropriate that might serve to make Kaidan even more uncomfortable. He was speaking about things that were both highly classified and highly personal; the least Shepard could do was offer him understanding.
Kaidan sighed. "I'm not upset he's dead," he specified. And it was true. While he wouldn't say that Vyrnnus necessarily deserved what had happened to him, many innocents had died and suffered by his fault. No matter his reasons, the turian had become a danger to others as well as himself. So it was hard to be upset about his death…
"Just sorry I killed him. I wasn't prepared for that." That's what had really ended up shaking him so badly. After having received his implant, it had taken him a long time to get accustomed to his biotic abilities – and it didn't help that they spiked so high. Until then, they had still proven to be an asset, especially since they'd allowed him to meet their teacher's almost impossible expectations and requirements during the training sessions.
But to discover that he could end up hurting or even killing someone against his will if he ever lost control over them… That knowledge had terrified him. It was as if someone had suddenly told Kaidan that there was a ticking bomb inside of him waiting to go off, making it unsafe for others to be anywhere near him. What if the next time he lashed out, it was a friend that was standing next to him? It had taken a very long time for him to learn to trust himself again… To believe that it was once again "safe" for him to be among other people. And Rahna's reaction… Well, it hadn't helped.
"I dropped out of sight for a bit. They let me go. I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did." And really, what were they going to do? Bringing charges against him would have forced them to go public with everything that had happened at BAaT. The Alliance hadn't been ready for that, and with good reason. Even though they had no direct involvement with the way that Conatix had chosen to handle the biotic training program, the company had done so with their support. "I came back on my terms, because I wanted to serve."
Shepard couldn't help but notice that Kaidan had left out a crucial detail in his story. "Was Rahna alright?" he asked, not quite able to stop himself before his curiosity took over. Kaidan had talked about the girl like she was a princess – someone important to him, most likely even an object of his affections. The idea wasn't too far-fetched; he'd called her beautiful and had hinted at being interested in her at the time. But he hadn't spoken about her outside of his stories about BAaT, so Shepard couldn't shake the distinct impression that things had gone wrong. It probably wasn't his place to ask about it, but… a small part of him, a niggling voice in the back of his head, had to know, tact be damned.
"Rahna?" Kaidan asked, sounding a bit surprised. Though he supposed he shouldn't be, really… After all, he'd just told Shepard that he'd gotten quite a beating in an effort to try to stand up for her. "Yeah..." he trailed off a bit, his mood darkening. "Yeah, she was fine." Besides the broken arm, obviously. "We never really, uh..." He took a deep breath, looking away and feeling ashamed once again. "We stopped talking after that."
Shepard couldn't keep the worried look from crossing his face – so, he was right. Things had gone wrong. "What happened?" he tried, not really expecting Kaidan to go into detail but feeling like he should ask anyway. Anything to show that he cared, that he was listening and didn't want him to feel like he had to carry these regrets alone.
"Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone," Kaidan began explaining, looking back at Shepard, and still remembering the time he had spent with her fondly. Rahna had always led a pretty sheltered life, so the harsh reality of BAaT had been especially tough for her to deal with. "Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him."
Before the whole incident, she had often told Kaidan that he made her feel safe. Maybe it was because he was one of the few biotics that could actually hold his own against their instructor… Maybe it was because he refused to let himself fear him, and put up with the turian's bullying. Back then, Rahna had often sought his company just as much as he had sought hers. Whether it was out of a need for protection, or because she had actually cared for him as much as he had cared for her, he couldn't say though.
"I mean everyone..." he sighed. "Everyone loved her." And he hadn't been an exception to that rule. He still had to wonder how far things could have gotten between them, if he hadn't lost control over his powers and acted out the way that he did.
"But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me too," he added quietly, averting his eyes for a moment, unable to hide the heartbreak in his voice. He quickly managed to regain his composure though. Surely the Commander had better to do than to listen to his stories about a girl that had ended up breaking his heart.
"Anyway, I had a point here," he said quickly, trying to bring his tone back to business, but failing to sound as convincing as he would've liked to. "Aliens, are individuals," he stated. "Just because one's an ass, doesn't mean they all are. So yeah, I hated that turian. But he wasn't 'a turian' to me. He was Vyrnnus."
So that was it. Shepard had been surprised when he'd found out just how negatively their rift had affected Kaidan – it was one thing for him to be upset that his commanding officer had yelled at him, but it was another to find out that he was isolating himself, having frequent migraines, and even losing weight and sleep over it. But now that he was speaking about Rahna, voice full of heartbreak and regret, Shepard was able to piece together a basic idea. He had lost Rahna because he had lost control of himself, cutting loose to protect her only to find that he had scared her away. Because of that he had associated lack of self-control with the loss of people he wanted to protect and cared about. And his breakdown in the med bay had immediately led to Shepard severing contact with him. It wasn't that much of a stretch to assume that he associated losing Shepard with losing Rahna – both had happened when he had lost control of himself.
The very thought that he had caused that kind of pain for Kaidan again was enough to make Shepard's chest tighten, his gut twisting in regret. But he didn't need to bring it up – he didn't want to make Kaidan any more uncomfortable than he already was.
"So that's why you're so self-controlled," he finally said, choosing his words carefully. He didn't need to share that he had an idea as to why Kaidan had been so badly affected by how he had been treating him, but he understood nonetheless. Having to break loose like that, the idea that he had taken someone's life by unleashing the full extent of his powers… That was enough to make any biotic think twice about abusing their abilities. At least, for those that actually sought to do good with them. He couldn't say the same for the rest. But of the few human biotics he had seen in battle, Kaidan was the first he had encountered who exerted complete and utter control over himself and his powers. The precision he exhibited on the battlefield was amazing. Shepard was all about raw and unrestrained; sometimes it was hard to remember that his powers could be used for a lot more than just doing as much damage as fast as possible. Having Kaidan there reminded him of that.
"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard," Kaidan immediately denied, feeling a bit uneasy… he might even hazard to say exposed. "This is all... ancient history. I'm over it," he added quickly, trying to dismiss Shepard's claim. He didn't go on the defensive, though. Just… He just didn't want him to believe that he was damaged goods, or to think any less of him.
One of Shepard's eyebrows quirked upwards, but he otherwise managed to keep the disbelief off of his face. He knew a thing or two about using deflection as a means of lying, and right now he could see through Kaidan like he was wet tissue paper.
"You agonize over doing the right thing, and never let yourself lose control," he began, pinning Kaidan with a knowing look. Not as a means of trapping him, but showing him that he understood what he was talking about. "Because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."
"That's..." What? Not true? It occurred to Kaidan that Shepard hadn't only been listening to him while he was telling his story… He had been listening to him. The realization of it both shocked and frightened him. Yet, at the same time, he couldn't help but feel a certain level of relief, and perhaps even excitement. After all, wasn't that exactly what he'd wanted ever since they had begun this conversation? To give Shepard the chance to get to know and hopefully accept him for who he was? He guessed that he simply hadn't been prepared for him to be so perspicacious about it. "Al-alright. Maybe you have a point. Maybe," he conceded, though he wasn't exactly ready to tell him forthrightly that he was right.
What if Shepard hadn't liked what he'd just found out about him, though? What if the knowledge that he still carried these wounds made him perceive him as weak, and he stopped trusting in his ability to carry on with the mission? "But I'm okay," Kaidan quickly added, trying to control the panic slowly threatening to overcome him. "You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being." It was so strange… He felt like he was standing at a crossroad… Like so much would depend on Shepard's next response. All of his barriers were down, and he couldn't remember having ever let anyone get this close before. Not since Rahna.
"And I won't be a burden on you - on the crew," he swore, hoping that the Commander would believe him.
Shepard sighed, shaking his head at Kaidan's response. Kaidan had just allowed himself to open up, and now he was withdrawing and making excuses like everything he'd just told Shepard was a mistake – something he might hold against him or judge him for. And Shepard never believed that for one second. "Kaidan, you're a strong man," he said gently, still fighting the urge to reach across the table and take his hand or something. Anything to show his sincerity. "Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature."
He offered him a soft smile here. "It makes you human."
"Alright," Kaidan said, releasing the breath that he didn't know he'd been holding until then. "But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that," he added a bit more shyly, though his gentle smile let Shepard know that he felt very relieved, and grateful.
He sighed, willing himself to relax, and to try to let go of his insecurities. "You're right. I might need to loosen up a little. I'll try." Shepard was already doing quite a good job of encouraging him to step out of himself a little… And as wild and chaotic as he could be on a battlefield, here with him, the Commander had a very calming and steadying influence. Maybe it was exactly the kind of balance that'd been, in many ways, missing from Kaidan's life. "Actually, I think being around you might help."
"Well, I'm glad I can do that for you," Shepard said with a soft laugh. "I'm always giving you heart attacks on the battlefield; I figure I don't need to drive you up a wall during downtime as well," he added with a slight grin. He twisted his hands together on the tabletop for a moment, expression dropping to something less amused but still nonetheless content. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Kaidan. I know it isn't easy to talk about these kinds of things. I appreciate the trust."
"You know, I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone about it since it happened…" Kaidan wondered, returning Shepard's smile. "Besides with those directly concerned by the situation, or in the context of psych evaluations, of course," he clarified. But of his own free will, just because he wanted to, this was really the first time for him.
"These two faint scars on my lips… The one at the bottom and here on the side..." he went on, raising his fingers to touch them, before letting his hand drop and looking away. "Vyrnnus gave them to me. Even to this day, each time I look in a mirror, they're still the first thing that I see. And I always have to stop myself from thinking about everything else that came with them," he explained softly, his eyes slightly pained. Yet, at the same time, part of him felt incredibly relieved just to be able to tell Shepard about it.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I truly appreciated you trusting me enough to show me your scar the other day…" he said sincerely. "And, uh, that you make me feel safe enough for me being comfortable showing you mine, too," he added a bit bashfully.
A knowing smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he looked down at his hands clasped together on the tabletop, fingers laced together. "A really smart guy told me once that my losses didn't have to define me. I think the same thing goes for our scars. The things that we've been through… We just need to use them as a means of growing, of moving forward." He looked up, allowing himself to make eye contact with Kaidan once again. "And I think you've done an admirable job of doing just that."
"I…" Kaidan froze, nearly gaping, feeling a bit awestruck and not knowing exactly what to say. That was possibly one of the kindest compliments that anyone had ever offered him, on more levels than one. Before he had the time to really think about it, he found himself staring back into Shepard's eyes as if mesmerized, grinning like an idiot. When he managed to regain control of his senses, the slight awkwardness of the situation made him burst into sweet, self-conscious laughter.
"I'm sorry," he said, the mirth never leaving his eyes, though. "But uh… Yeah… That guy seems to have some pretty good advice," he stated teasingly. "Maybe I should actually start listening to him," he added with an unwittingly charming half-smile, never breaking eye contact.
Shepard couldn't help but laugh at Kaidan's reaction. "Good idea. Last time I stopped listening to him, I turned into a gigantic asshole," he replied, unable to keep from grinning in amusement.
He didn't need to say it out loud, but Shepard was enjoying this. The company, the personal conversation, the understanding. It had been a long time since he'd found a kindred soul – someone who understood what he'd been through and trusted him enough to share their secrets. Someone he could care about and be cared for by in return. A small voice in the back of his head was shouting out warnings that he was skirting dangerously close to the line between friendship and fraternizing, but as he sat there speaking with Kaidan and laughing and smiling like he hadn't in ages, he was perfectly fine with ignoring it.
"You really are something else, you know that?" Kaidan said, still smiling fondly. It vaguely occurred to him that it might not have been the most appropriate thing to say, but since Shepard didn't frown at him or appear to be displeased by his words, he supposed that it was still okay. It was true though, Marco Shepard truly was like no one else he'd ever met. Smart, strong, and caring… Able to make the tough calls and take a solid stand to protect others, scary and unyielding in the face of those seeking to abuse their powers… Yet equally gentle, patient, and understanding towards those under his protection or his command. Deserving and inspiring both respect and loyalty, and…
"Commander, Admiral Hackett's on vidcom. He says that there are some strong blizzard warnings near the facility that went dark on Gellix, and would like to give you the latest updates before you leave for the mission," Joker's voice came from the Normandy's intercom.
Kaidan supposed that it was a good thing that the pilot had interrupted his thoughts, or else he would have ended up developing a serious case of hero worship. "You should go, Commander," he said, straightening a bit on his chair, and immediately adopting a more formal attitude. "Thanks again for listening," he added with a smile, happy that they'd gotten the chance to talk.
"Sure thing, Lieutenant," Shepard replied with a crooked smirk, before pushing up out of his chair and heading towards the communications room, leaving Kaidan alone in the mess.