The Proposal

(Chapter Ten: Devastation)

Two days later Elliot sat beside Olivia in the waiting area at her doctor's office. He stared down at some article in a Parents magazine pretending to read, while he listened to Olivia talking to Alex on the phone.

"I know. No, I understand you are busy….I just thought that you would be here for this appointment."

Things were quiet for a moment before she began to speak again.

"Because you promised you would. Alex, you have not been to an appointment in over four months. I know, this just came up and now you have to work. I just hope that nothing comes up when it is time for me to have the baby, because I really want you to be there."

It frustrated Elliot to think of all of the times Alex had let Olivia down over the last few months. He didn't see how Alex didn't want to be right there beside her every step of the pregnancy, but obviously she didn't see things the same way that he did. He just really hoped that somehow Alex would come around quickly, because Olivia was really counting on her to be there when Greyson was born.

Olivia closed her phone and was quiet for a moment. Elliot turned to look at her, noticing she was about to cry. He hated seeing her cry.

"Alex isn't coming," she said softly without looking at him. "Again."

"Liv, is everything alright between the two of you? I don't mean to pry, but it kind of seems like she is absent a lot lately."

"I don't really know if things are alright."

Elliot lowered his magazine and watched her.

"Sometimes….I just get so lonely, you know? She says she wants to be here, but she never is. If it wasn't for you I would be going through this entire pregnancy alone. And after our fight a couple of nights ago….I have not even seen Alex and have barely spoken to her. I can't help but wonder if she isn't trying to avoid me right now."

"Are you guys breaking up?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I mean she hasn't really said anything to me about wanting to. Then again, we don't exactly have a normal relationship, either. Maybe she is trying to tell me she just wants her space. I know I really upset her when I told her I wasn't going to ask you to sign those papers. Maybe she was more upset than I realized."

Olivia reached up and wiped away a tear.

"I'm sure she is disappointed that she couldn't be here. She is just trying to get all of this work finished up so she can take some time off when the baby comes. You'll see. I'll bet she is so excited about finally being able to meet this little guy that she can't even stand it. She probably just wants to make sure things are in order so that she can take some time off with you and Greyson when he comes home from the hospital."

"I hope you're right," she said looking at the magazine in his hands. "Are you really reading Parents magazine?"

"This is a very interesting article. You can learn a lot from these."

"You are reading that?"

"Yes. Why is that so hard for you to believe?"

Olivia laughed. "Because," she said with a smile as she pointed down to the page he was supposedly reading, "that is an advertisement for a breast pump."

Elliot smiled, knowing he had been caught.

"The reviews are good," he said with a laugh.

"Olivia Benson," a woman called from across the room. "The doctor can see you now."

"Here we go," she said as Elliot turned to help her up from her seat.

Inside Olivia laid back on the table as the nurse put some gel across her abdomen. She smiled nervously up at Elliot as the woman dragged the wand across her belly until the baby boy appeared on the screen.

"There he is," Elliot said with a smile. "Handsome little guy."

"He looks like his father," Olivia said. "He has your profile."

"How have things been going, Olivia?" The woman asked. "Have you experienced any cramping or bleeding?"

"Not at all. Things have been fine."

"When was the last time you felt the baby move or kick?" she asked as Elliot studied the look of concern on the woman's face.

"Umm, it has been a few days. I guess. Why? Is something wrong with our baby?"

"I'm having a little trouble finding a heartbeat. It could be nothing. This happens sometimes, it could just be the machine," she said laying down the wand and moving to the door. "Try not to worry. I am going to get the doctor and she will probably want to do a vaginal sonogram to make sure everything is alright."

"Try not to worry?" Olivia asked as Elliot squeezed her hand. "You tell us that our baby may not have a heartbeat and then ask us not to worry?"

"You're not a parent, are you?" Elliot asked.

"No, sir."

"I can tell."

The woman excused herself from the room.

"Hey, she said it happens sometimes. You heard her. It is probably just the machine," Elliot said trying to calm her nerves.

Olivia drew a staggered breath.

"But what if it isn't? What if there is something wrong with our son?"

Elliot stared into her tear filled eyes, fighting back tears of his own. He wished he had the answer that would make everything okay. But this time he had no idea what to say to her.

Olivia stood up and put on the gown the woman had left for her. She was trying so hard to hold herself together, but she had never been so scared in her life. She had just settled back into her place on the table when her doctor entered the room.

"Olivia, how are we today?" she asked.

"Scared to death. What is wrong with my baby?"

"That is what we are about to find out," she said. "She felt around on Olivia's belly, then picked up the wand for the ultrasound to take a look for herself. "I see the baby, the size is good."

"Can you get a heartbeat?" Elliot asked.

She shook her head and laid the wand back in the holder. "I think we should try the vaginal sonogram," she said then began assisting Olivia in sliding down on the table and placing her feet into the stirrups. "I am going to examine you first and make sure everything looks alright, then we will go on with the sonogram."

Olivia shifted uncomfortably and looked up at the ceiling.

"You seem to be exactly where you should be at this point in the pregnancy. We don't normally use a vaginal sonogram this late in pregnancy, but sometimes it is a more accurate means of finding a fetal heartbeat. If the baby is in a position that might make it hard to get a good reading, we can usually get it this way."

Olivia exhaled as Elliot took her hand in his and raised it to his lips.

"It's gonna be okay," he whispered softly.

"It has to be," she said softly as another tear slid down her cheek.

They stared at the screen until the form of the baby appeared once more. They watched, both crying as their son laid motionless and the doctor tried desperately to locate a fetal heart rate, but there was nothing.

"Oh God," Olivia whimpered softly.

"I am so sorry," the doctor said softly as she turned off the monitor.

"God no," Olivia gasped and Elliot knelt to hug her.

"She was just in here a couple of weeks ago and everything was good. What happened?" he asked, unable to hold back his own tears.

"It is really hard to tell. It could be any number of things. I'll give you guys a few minutes, then we can discuss options."

Olivia was quiet when the doctor left the room. She sat up and began to dress again.

"Liv, are you alright?"

She stared at the floor and shook her head then raised her sad eyes to look at him. Elliot watched as she broke into tears. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms tightly around her, just holding her while she cried.

"So what do we do now?" Olivia asked softly as the doctor re-entered the room.

"I would like to admit you to the hospital tonight. Give you something to help you rest and induce labor in the morning."

"Do we have to do this right now?" Elliot asked.

"We should do it as soon as possible."

"Can't it wait a couple of days? Give us a little time to…."

"No," Olivia said running her fingers through her hair, "I just want to get it over with."

"Alright, I will call the hospital and let them know to expect you."

Olivia nodded as she stood up and grabbed her jacket.

Elliot drove her back to her apartment to help her pack some things for her hospital stay. Neither of them said a word. A few hours later Olivia found herself laying in a hospital bed staring out the window and trying to figure out how any of this had happened.

"Are you hungry?" Elliot asked kissing her forehead.

"Not really," she said softly.

"Honey, you should eat something. I can order from somewhere or go pick something up if you'd like."

"No."

"Liv…."

"I just not hungry, El."

"Okay," he said sitting in the chair beside the bed and trying to think of anything he could do to make this easier on her. "I tried to call Alex."

"Did you tell her?"

"No, it just went to voicemail. I think this is something she should hear in person. I left a message and asked her to call you or me as soon as she got it."

"I don't know how to tell her."

"We could tell her together. If that would help."

"Maybe. She's probably in court."

"Olivia, it's seven thirty at night."

"She's been really busy, El. I'm sure she's just busy."

"I will try again in a little while. I will get a hold of her. You want me to find us a good movie?"

"No thank you, El. I am just really tired," she whispered. "I think I wanna go to sleep now."

"Alright," he answered, "I'll let that nurse know that you are ready for your medication now."

Olivia exhaled softly and wiped the tears from her eyes as she nodded her head in agreement. Elliot pushed the call button clipped to the side of her bed and spoke to the nurse on duty.

"Elliot," Olivia said softly raising her sad and tired eyes to look into his.

"Yes, sweetheart."

"Will you stay with me?" she whispered. "While I sleep?"

"Of course I will," he replied forcing a smile. "I would never leave you, Olivia. I am going to be right here beside you, as long as you need me to."

Elliot sat down in the chair beside her bed and took her hand in his. He raised it to his mouth and kissed it softly.

"I am so sorry," she gasped as tears streamed down both sides of her face.

"This wasn't your fault," Elliot reminded her. "Sometimes these things just happen. And it is horrible. But it is in no way your fault."

"I am his mother. It was my job to protect him."

"And you did everything you could do. You are a good mother. But sometimes bad things still happen, that are completely out of our control. No one blames you, Olivia. And you shouldn't blame yourself."

"I am just going to put this medication into your IV," the doctor said. "It wont take very long to take effect. You should sleep pretty soundly tonight and we will start you on a Pitocin drip in the morning. Do you need another pillow or an extra blanket?"

"I don't," Olivia replied. "But we need something for him," she said looking over to Elliot.

"I will have someone bring in some bedding. That chair slides out to a single bed. Not the most comfortable thing in the world."

"It will be fine," Elliot assured her. "I just don't want to leave her."

The woman smiled.

"If you need anything else during the night, just push that button. There is always someone at the desk at the end of the hall."

"Thank you doctor."

Elliot looked over at Olivia, who was nearly cross-eyed trying so hard not to fall asleep just yet.

"You are so tired," he said softly reaching to turn off the lamp beside the bed. "Get some rest. I will be right here if you need me."

"I should be the one to break the news to Alex. If she calls, will you wake me?"

"Of course."

Elliot turned on the television and turned the volume almost all the way down. He shut off the lights in the room and seated himself beside her in the chair once more. There was a soft tap at the door and the woman from behind the desk handed him a couple of blankets and a pillow. He folded down the chair and made up his little makeshift bed.

As he settled into his pillow he looked over at Olivia sleeping like an angel. He sat up and kissed her on the forehead tucking her blanket around her. Elliot leaned back into his chair as he stared out the window into the city night as he felt the heat of his own tears on his face.

It was almost five o'clock in the morning when Elliot heard her soft voice.

"El, wake up."

"Yeah," he said sitting up and wiping his eyes to look at Olivia. "The doctor is about to come in and induce. They said it could still take hours, but I thought you would want to be awake for this."

"I'm glad you woke me."

Elliot picked up his cell phone, no missed calls.

"Did you hear back from Alex?"

"Not yet, but my signal isn't that great," he lied as he stared down at the full signal.

Elliot stood up and kissed her forehead once more.

"I'm gonna step out in the hall and try her again. I will be back before they do anything, I promise."

"It is five o'clock in the morning. She is probably asleep."

"Then she isn't at work," Elliot said. "I will only be a minute. And I am just outside that door."

Olivia nodded and watched him disappear into the hall.

Two hours later, Elliot held Olivia's hand as the doctor checked her to see if she was dilating. He had no idea what this felt like, but by the look in her eyes, it wasn't exactly pleasant.

"You are starting to dilate slowly," the woman said covering Olivia with the sheet. "You will feel the contractions start to increase in time and intensity as they get closer together. I will come back in a little while to check you again. Some women don't dilate fast enough with Pitocin. If you have not made better progress in a few hours, I might go ahead and break your water to kind of help the process along a bit."

"We could be here a while," Olivia said laying back against her pillow.

"It takes a while."

"These contractions suck and I am just getting started. They are only going to get worse."

"They can bring you some medication for the pain."

"If I get it too early it could wear off."

"So they can give you more, later."

"I don't want to do that, Elliot. The pain medicines are bad for the ba…."

Olivia caught herself in the middle of the statement and was quiet for a moment.

"I'm gonna ask her for something," Elliot said reaching for the button.

"No. I don't want it."

"Okay."

"Did you check your phone? Incase Alex called?"

"It isn't showing any missed calls, but I can try her again."

Olivia smiled.

"Give me a minute," he said stepping into the hall once more.

Elliot listened as the phone rang and rang and rang, then went to voicemail again.

"Alex, this is Elliot. Again…. I am at the hospital with Olivia and she is having the baby. Now. She keeps asking for you and she really wants you to be here. You should be here, Alex. She needs you."

Elliot took a deep breath as the phone beeped ending the message.

"Come on Alex," he mumbled to himself, "don't let her down again."

Elliot sat by Olivia's side all day, holding her hand through her labor pains. Olivia asked several more times for Alex, but she never came. Around four o'clock that afternoon the doctor finally came in and broke Olivia's water. Elliot had hoped that would speed up the labor and help to get it over with, but things were still going pretty slowly.

At six o'clock Olivia seemed to be in horrible pain and was asking for Alex again. Elliot dialed Alex's cell, home and office numbers with no luck. He hung up the phone and dialed another number.

"Fin, can you do me a favor? I have been trying to reach Alex for the last two days with no luck. I don't know if she is not getting my messages or if she is just trying to avoid me. At this point, it doesn't even matter. What does matter is that Olivia has been asking for her all day. Is there anyway you can go by her apartment and let her know what is going on?"

"Sure thing. How is Olivia holding up?"

"She is in a lot of pain and she won't take any pain medication. The labor is starting to progress a little faster. Hopefully this will all be over soon and she can get some rest."

"You guys are in all of our prayers. We were sure sorry to hear it, man."

"Thanks, Fin."

"Listen, some of us were thinking about coming up to visit Liv tomorrow. Maybe bring her some flowers. I mean, if you don't think it would be too much."

"No, I think she'd be glad to see you guys. And it will be good for her to have some friends here for support. I've gotta get back to Olivia. Thank you for tracking Alex down for me."

"No problem. If there is anything else I can do, don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks, man."

Olivia whimpered in pain as the doctor checked her again.

"She has been in labor for hours. Isn't there something you can do?" Elliot asked.

"She is dilated enough I could give her an epidural."

"I was thinking more like a c-section and just get it over with."

"A cesarean is a last resort. There is a lot more risk involved and a longer healing time. I would really rather her deliver vaginally if at all possible."

"She has been in labor since early this morning. I just don't understand why it is necessary for her to go through this much pain," he said leaning in so Olivia wouldn't hear. "It is just making this harder on her. To have to go through all of this and not even get to keep the baby."

"I understand your concern, but this is what is best for Olivia. An unnecessary cesarean raises the risks of delivery for Olivia. I am monitoring everything closely and I promise you if there is any sign of complication we will get in there and get that baby out. But for right now, you are just going to have to trust me that this is what is best for her."

Elliot didn't like it, but he knew she was right. He sat with her, comforting her when she cried, not completely sure if the tears were because of her physical or emotional pain.

It was about eight thirty when Olivia finally agreed to allow the doctor to give her an epidural. After that, things seemed to be a little better on her. At ten thirty it was time for her to start pushing.

Elliot took his place beside Olivia and held her hand tight in his. He counted with the doctor between pushes and breathed with Olivia as he coached her.

"We are almost there," he said softly as she prepared to push again.

"I just want it to be over," Olivia whimpered.

"I know sweetheart."

A couple more big pushes and at eleven twenty seven the baby boy was finally delivered. An eerie silence fell over the delivery room as the doctor wrapped the infant and handed him off to a nurse, who carried him out of the room.

"You did good," she said looking at Olivia.

"Yeah," she said softly.

"Let's get you cleaned up and settled back in your room. Can you give us about fifteen minutes?" the doctor asked looking at Elliot.

"I'll be just down the hall," Elliot said leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Okay."

Elliot walked down the hall and bought a cup of coffee from a vending machine. He pulled out his phone and called Fin again.

"Elliot, how's Olivia?"

"She had a rough delivery. She is with the doctor now. Did you find Alex?"

"I sat outside her apartment for over an hour with no luck. I have called half a dozen times. Casey said she was in court this afternoon."

"It seems she is avoiding us all."

"Does she know about the baby?"

"Yea, I had to leave her a message because she never returned any of my calls."

"I don't know why she is being like this. Olivia has enough going on without dealing with her shit, too."

"I know," Elliot agreed. "I need to get back to Liv. Thanks for trying."

"I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."

Elliot exhaled and returned to Olivia's hospital room just as they were getting her settled.

"Hey you," he said softly returning to her side.

"Hey."

"How do you feel?"

Olivia just stared at him for a moment.

"Like my heart was just ripped from my chest," she said trying not to cry.

"I know, honey."

"Where's the baby?" Olivia asked looking at the nurse who was checking her vitals.

"The doctor wanted to examine him."

"I want to see him."

"Ma'am, I am sorry for your loss. But that is against policy. I am afraid I can't do that."

"She was just in labor for eighteen hours and you can't even let her see the baby?" Elliot asked trying hard not to yell at the woman. "I want to talk to the doctor!"

"Yes, sir."

It took Elliot a little convincing, but the doctor who had delivered the baby finally agreed to bring him in for Olivia to see.

"Liv," Elliot asked softly, "are you sure you want to do this? It might make things harder."

"I just want to see him, El. I need to see him."

The doctor carried in a bundle wrapped in a receiving blanket.

"Keep in mind he was early," she said as she shifted the blanket. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked looking at Olivia.

"I'm sure," she said softly.

The doctor handed her the bundle and pulled back the blanket so that Olivia could see the baby's face. Olivia took a deep breath and shifted her eyes to look at the infant. He was small and looked like he was sleeping in his mother's arms. He had thick dark hair and Elliot's nose.

"He is so beautiful," she said softly. "He looks like you."

"What happened?" Elliot asked with tears streaming down his face as he looked up at the doctor. "A few days ago he was fine."

"As far as I can tell the baby became tangled in the umbilical cord. The cord was detached from the placenta. It is rare, but it does happen. Other than that, he appears perfectly healthy. He weighed five pounds, eleven ounces. If you had been able to carry to full term, he probably would have been just over seven pounds. I am really sorry for your loss."

Olivia exhaled and kissed Greyson's little forehead.

"Mommy and daddy will always love you, angel."

She handed the infant back to the doctor and watched as they carried him from the room. Elliot slid into the bed beside her as Olivia began to break down again.

"I can't believe he's gone," she said softly. "I feel so empty inside."

"I know, baby."

Elliot opened his arms and pulled her in against him. He held her tight as they cried together over the loss of their baby boy.