The Proposal
(Chapter Twelve: Escape)
Elliot stood beside Olivia at the head of the tiny coffin that now contained their infant son. He never imagined he would have to bury one of his children, let alone one who had never even gotten the chance to live. He heard a small hiccup of a noise and turned to place his arm around Olivia to offer his support.
They hadn't spoke in days. They arrived together at the funeral home to make the arrangements for their little boy, but picking out a pine box for her newborn son proved to be more than Olivia could handle. After she broke down and ran from the room crying, Elliot drove her home and returned later on his own to complete the details of Greyson's funeral.
Even with all of these people standing around her, Olivia had never felt more alone. Something inside of her died when she lost her son, something deep inside her heart. It was as if the loss of the child had left a massive hole in her heart, a hole that would never be full again. Elliot was trying so hard to be supportive and the truth was that just seeing his face made it harder for her to deal with the reality that she would never see their beautiful little boy again. She felt so empty inside. Dark, cold and alone.
Elliot felt her tremble in the early November breeze and it broke his heart to see her cry. He reached out for her hand as he watched the tears trail down both sides of her face, but she pulled away from him.
Elliot gulped feeling a knot tighten in his throat and could barely breath himself. In the front row, his older children sat sobbing beside their mother. Their friends and co-workers filled the little tent to pay their respects to the tiny little soul that was lost but not forgotten.
He drew a deep breath and sighed, clearing his throat as he went misty eyed and reached his own breaking point. Elliot sniffled as Olivia turned to look him in the eye. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. In her hands she clutched a teddy bear that Elliot had bought for their baby, the day they found out they were expecting a son. That was the single best day of her life. And today….as she stood here and watched as they lowered the little casket into the ground….today was by far the worst.
After the funeral a small get together was held at Olivia's apartment. Everyone brought food and stood around talking. But Olivia just sat there watching, broken hearted as the world continued to turn.
She didn't know what it was exactly that made her look up, but she did almost instinctively. There in the back of the room, nervously sipping on a glass of wine and feeling out of place, was Alex. Alex stared at her for a moment as their eyes met, then Olivia turned to stare out the window.
Alex sat her wine glass on the end table and made her way across the room to Olivia's side.
"Liv, I am so sorry."
"Thank you," Olivia whispered without looking at her.
"Is there somewhere we can go to talk? In private. Just for a few moments."
"This isn't really the time or the place, Alex."
"Olivia, please. Just come into the kitchen and let me make you a cup of tea."
"Alex…." Olivia gasped looking up at her with pleading eyes as she cried.
"A cup of tea always makes you feel better," Alex said placing her hand in Olivia's and leading her into the kitchen.
Olivia leaned against the counter and stared at the floor as Alex pulled a mug of hot tea from the microwave.
"There, see now? Better, huh? Just a little?"
"Alex, what do you want?" Olivia asked looking up at her.
"I want to apologize. I wasn't here for you and I should have been. At first I thought that you would rather it just be you and Elliot in there. The first message I got just said you were having the baby. It wasn't until later that I realized that…." Alex paused for a moment as her mind scrambled for words. "I was scared. You were hurting and I didn't know how to handle it."
"You think I did? That baby was a part of me. He was growing inside of me. For months I felt him move," she said as a tear rolled down her left cheek. "He was my son."
"I knew that I should have been there with you, but I didn't know what to say or do to make it better. I panicked."
"You didn't have to say anything! Just being there would have meant the world to me. I needed you. I asked for you, I wanted you. Elliot sat there beside me wanting nothing more than for me to reach out to him, but all I wanted was you. He called you, but you never came."
"Liv, I know I hurt you. And I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. Please forgive me."
"I forgive you Alex. I just don't think that I can forget right now."
"Liv, I love you. And I miss you like crazy. Please come home."
"I am home," Olivia said softly as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I think that it would be best if I got my things and moved back in here for a while."
Alex smoothed her hands over her face wiping away her own tears.
"This is about Elliot?"
"No Lex, this is about me. And the fact that I need to figure a lot of things out on my own right now. I still care about you and I don't want to lose our friendship. I just don't think that I can focus on this relationship right now."
"Do you even want a relationship with me anymore? It is no big secret, Olivia, that things were slowly falling apart between us long before this."
"To be completely honest, I am not sure what I want anymore. I just need some time."
"Time?" Alex asked as she made her way toward the door.
Olivia stood alone for a while before Elliot entered the room.
"Hey, you."
"Hey," she said in a soft and tired voice.
"I saw you talking to Alex. Is everything okay?"
"Nothing is okay."
"Liv, I know you are hurting…."
"Elliot, please do not give me your psycho babble bullshit! I just want to be alone. I want all of these people out of my house and I want to be left the hell alone. I swear if one more person tells me how sorry they are I am going to scream," she sobbed as she began to break down crying once again. "What am I even supposed to say to that? Thank you? That just makes me feel even worse. I may just seem like I am being a bitch…maybe I am a bitch! I just want to be left alone," she said as she sat in the floor with her knees pulled to her chest and cried.
"Alright. I'll go and ask everyone to leave."
Olivia was sitting in the floor with her head in her hands when Elliot left. He calmly thanked all of their friends for their support and soon everyone had headed back to their own lives and Olivia was alone once again. It wasn't long before she realized that being alone didn't make her feel any better at all, it only made her feel lonely.
She pulled herself from the floor and made her way down the hall to her bedroom. She drew a staggered breath as she picked up the picture frame on the dresser with the last sonogram picture of baby Greyson in it and kissed it, then she opened a drawer and placed the frame inside. She walked slowly to her bed and climbed under the blankets and closed her eyes praying for sleep to come.
Five days later, Elliot sat at his desk trying hard to focus on work. The fact that Olivia hadn't come back to work yet really worried him. And to make matters worse, she had turned off her cell phone so that people would stop calling to check up on her. Elliot stared at her empty chair for a moment before pulling his wallet from his back pocket. Inside was a wallet sized sonogram photo of the son he would never know.
He took a deep breath and stared at it for a moment. It broke his heart to think that they would never hold Greyson, or play with him or watch him grow. And it killed him to know that all they could do was try to be strong and keep pushing forward. This was by far the hardest thing he had ever had to face and if he wasn't focusing so hard on being strong for Olivia, he would have fallen apart days ago.
Elliot wiped his hands over his face and closed his wallet. He cleared his throat to free it of the knot that had settled there and wiped away the tears that were about to fall from his eyes. He picked up the file from his desk and turned to make his way down the hall to the file room.
"Alex," he said half shocked to see her standing there.
"How are you doing?" she asked as she walked in his direction.
"I'm surviving. Thanks for asking."
Alex smiled at the fact that the words they shared were civil.
"Have you heard from Olivia? I'm really worried about her and she won't take my calls."
"She won't take mine either. She shut her phone off and said she just wants some time alone. She was supposed to come back to work yesterday. I am surprised that at least one of us hasn't heard from her by now. Alex, I am really sorry about the way I spoke to you the last time we met."
"You were trying to do what was best for Olivia."
"Yes. But I shouldn't have yelled at you. You didn't deserve it. It was completely inappropriate and I apologize."
"You have been through Hell these last few days. We have both tried to focus on her, but Greyson was your son, too. Look Elliot, I know that we have not always gotten along. But you and I share a common interest. I understand how much she means to you because I feel the same way about her."
"There was a time when we called ourselves friends."
Alex smiled again.
"Maybe that is something we can work on."
"Yea," he replied smiling back at her.
Alex exhaled deeply and sat against the corner of Olivia's desk looking at a photo of Elliot and Olivia on the corner of his desk.
"The real reason I came here today was to ask you for a favor," she said pressing her lips together nervously much the way Olivia always did.
"A favor?"
"I want you to go to the apartment and check on her. I would, but she is still upset with me….not that I blame her. But I know I wont make it past the front door."
"Alex, if you are that worried she won't open the door just use the key and let yourself in."
"I don't have a key."
"You don't? The two of you were together that long and she never gave you a key to her apartment?"
"She didn't need to. She was living with me. She really only went to the apartment to water the plants and get more clothes."
"I guess you have a point."
"I know there is a good chance that I will never get her back the way we were then. But I care enough about her that I don't really care if she chooses you instead of me, not as long as she is happy," Alex said as she wiped away a tear.
"Alex, she hasn't chosen me. She pushed me away too. The way she talks I don't really think she wants to be with either one of us for a while."
"I just want to know that she is alright. She needs someone there with her right now, even if she doesn't think she does."
"I'll stop by there on my way home. I'll get some take out and try to make sure she eats something."
"I knew I could count on you."
"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a call later and let you know how she is doing."
"Thank you, Elliot."
"No problem."
Elliot watched as she walked back toward the elevator. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one who was this concerned about Olivia.
That evening Elliot knocked on the door of Olivia's apartment. He stood in the hall holding a pizza. On top the box sat a paper bag full of all of her favorite junk foods, he was determined to get her to eat something. He knocked again for the fifth time and began to rifle through his keys when still did not answer.
"Liv?" Elliot called out as he entered the dark apartment.
As he pushed the door open it pushed aside a pile of mail that had been dropped through the slot in the door. She had the blinds closed and the heavy curtains pulled making the room so dark you couldn't even tell there was daylight outside. He sat the food on the counter and picked up her mail from the floor, then made his way to the living room and opened the drapes.
"That's better," he said as he made his way down the hall toward her bedroom.
"Liv?" he called out again, tapping on the door as he pushed it open.
She was laying in the bed curled into the fetal position and her prescription anti-depressant bottle sat on the night stand beside the bed. For a moment he was terrified that something horrible had taken place here, but looking very closely he could see the slight rise and fall of her chest with each breath she took.
"Thank God," he whispered forcing a smile as his heart tried to slow to its regular pace.
Elliot looked around the room noticing the sonogram picture missing from the dresser. He walked to the window and opened the curtains just enough to let the evening sun shine through. He turned and looked back at her over his shoulder.
"I am so sorry sweetheart," he whispered as he walked slowly to the edge of her bed and kicked off his shoes.
Elliot laid down on the bed beside her and just watched her sleep for a little while. He hadn't been able to sleep more than a few hours since they had lost the baby. And though she was heavily medicated, it was nice to see she was finally getting some rest.
"Sleep well pretty girl," he whispered softly.
Olivia must have heard him, because she began to stir just a bit and her eyes fluttered open. She sighed then looked at him a bit confused.
"It's okay," he said softly, "it's just me."
"El?" she whispered squinting her eyes to adjust to the light. "You opened the drapes?"
"I did."
"What are you doing here?"
"I hadn't seen or heard from you in days. I was worried. People are getting worried."
"What people?" she asked in disbelief.
"Me, Cragen and the guys."
Olivia rubbed her nose with her hand, then smiled.
"And Alex," he continued.
"Alex?"
"Yes. She was so worried she asked me to come by here and check on you. She knew you were upset with her and probably wouldn't open the door."
He watched as a smile slowly spread across her face.
"You talked to Alex?"
Elliot smiled, too.
"I did. We actually sat and had a conversation….and it was civil. No curse words or yelling. You would have been proud."
"I am proud."
Elliot folded up a pillow and rolled onto his side to gaze into her eyes. He reached out and brushed a bit of hair from her eyes.
"That's better. How do you feel?"
"Not good."
"You've been taking the pills your doctor prescribed?"
She nodded at him.
"Are they helping?"
"I just want to sleep. I feel like I am so exhausted and all I want to do is sleep."
"It could be a side effect of these pills," he said picking up the bottle to read the label.
"Trust me, I am better with them than without them," she said taking the bottle from him and putting it on the night stand on the other side of the bed.
"How long have you been held up in this bedroom?"
"Not long," she said as she pulled the blankets up around her and settled back into her pillow. "I'm just so tired."
"Well, I know it has been at least three days."
"And just how do you know that?"
"Your mail was piled up in front of the door."
Olivia laughed.
"I love seeing that smile. It has been a rough few days, honey, but you have to move forward with your life."
Elliot watched as she began to tear up once more.
"But what if I don't want to?"
Elliot kissed her forehead and hugged her.
"It will get easier. A little each day as time passes. When was the last time you ate something?"
"I don't remember. I haven't been hungry."
"I brought pizza. And comfort food."
"Junk food?"
"That too."
Elliot cupped his hand against the side of her face and gazed into her eyes once more.
"Please get up and eat with me. I think we could both use the company."
Olivia climbed slowly from the bed and he followed her down the hall. Elliot set two places at the bar and took a seat on the stool beside her.
"I just don't know how to be with out him," she said softly as she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I keep catching myself with my hand on my abdomen, waiting for him to kick. But I will never feel him move again. I can't bring myself to go into the nursery. I have not been in there since you helped me set up the crib. I stood in the doorway for a few moments and tried to imagine him in there, sleeping in the crib or rocking him in the chair. But I can't," she paused for few seconds, "I couldn't handle it. So I just closed the door, that was five days ago and I haven't been able to bring myself to go back in there."
"Maybe we should go somewhere. Just get away. From here, from that room and all of the memories. For a few days or a week. Then I can help you with the nursery. When you are ready. I can help you take things down. I think that is something that would be better for us to face together. But there is no rush, Liv. That stuff can sit in that room for a year and it isn't hurting a thing. It can wait until you are ready."
"I don't know if I will ever be ready. But I don't think that I can begin to move forward until I can face what is in that room."
"Tell you what, I have a few things that I need to get done for a case. Then I can get Fin to take over it for me. I can do that tomorrow morning and we can leave town by noon."
"Where would we go?" she asked softly.
"I'll take you anywhere you want to go."
"I don't want to go anywhere. I am perfectly happy here. Well, as happy as I can be."
"I think you just need a little break. A few days. Just take this time to focus on you, Liv. Get away from all of this and give yourself the time and chance to start to heal."
Olivia just blinked and stared at him.
"Think about it," he said as he climbed from the bed and reached for her hand to help her up as well. "For now, we should go have dinner while it's still hot."
"I got your favorite, double pepperoni and mushroom," he said handing her a plate as she curled up under a blanket on the couch.
Olivia smiled.
"You always take such good care of me."
"I'm your best friend, that's part of my job."
Olivia laughed softly.
Elliot watched as she picked at a slice of pizza. After dinner, they watched TV together for a few hours until Olivia fell asleep in his arms on the couch. The next morning, Elliot woke with her sleeping soundly in his arms. He shifted and checked the time on his watch. As he did, Olivia raised her head to look at him.
"Good morning sunshine," Elliot said with a smile.
"Good morning," she whispered.
"Would you like me to make you some breakfast?"
"Pancakes?" Olivia asked as a smile slowly spread across her face.
"For you? Anything."
"Pancakes, definitely."
"With peanut butter," Elliot added and Olivia nodded. "That's my girl," Elliot replied kissing her forehead.
After breakfast, Elliot washed the dishes.
"I've got to go get a few things done at work. I'll be back in a few hours."
"Do you still want to go away?" she asked.
"Sure, if you do."
"I was just thinking, maybe you are right. Maybe I could use a little time away from here. Away from this apartment and these people and this city. But it's kind of short notice for an extravagant vacation and that does seem a little inappropriate when you are in mourning."
"What about something a little closer to home? I'm sure I could get the keys to Cragen's cabin. It is a few miles outside of town and it's secluded. No hustle and bustle of city life. We can grab some groceries and some bait…."
"Bait?"
"For fishing."
"El, I don't fish," she said wrinkling up her nose.
Elliot laughed.
"Alright. But there are other things we can do. Hike and picnic, go out on the lake in the boat and swim if you want. Just relax for a while. What do you think?"
"I think it sounds nice. I need to get in the shower," she said as she stood and headed down the hall.
"You take your shower, then pack a bag. I'll be back around noon. We can grab lunch somewhere then go get some food for the cabin and we'll be on our way."
Forty five miles outside the city, after a drive that seemed to take hours, Elliot pulled Olivia's car up in front of the cabin.
"How old is this place?" Olivia asked looking at the beautiful countryside around them as she stepped out of the car.
"Cragen bought it at auction twenty years ago. Apparently the last owners fell behind on their payments and the bank foreclosed. He bought it for the back taxes. He said it was a steal."
"It is beautiful out here. So peaceful and quiet."
"Two of the best qualities," he replied pulling their bags from the backseat of the car. "It is the perfect place to unwind and get a little recuperation time."
"You've been here before?"
"Not in a while. I used to bring the kids out here for camping and fishing on the lake."
"What is the inside like?"
"It's not the Hilton, but it's nice for an old fishing cabin."
"It will be nice to get away from everything for a while."
Elliot unlocked the door and carried their luggage into the bedroom.
"It's…..cozy," she said in an attempt to be optimistic, "in a one room shack sort of way."
"You hate it? It isn't too late to go somewhere else. I'll take you anywhere you want to go."
"No," she said with a smile, "I guess somehow I was just expecting it to have a little more living space. I want to stay."
Elliot watched as she glanced at the only bed in the cabin and a weary smile crossed her face.
"You can have the bedroom," he said smiling back at her. "I'll sleep on the couch."
"We could flip a coin or something. That would make it more fair," she suggested.
"Liv, really, it's alright."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Elliot put his suitcase in the corner of the room as Olivia opened the closet and began to hang her things inside.
"That's better," she said closing the closet door. "Now what?"
"Well, have you ever been fishing?"
"Fishing?" she asked scrunching up her nose at the thought of baiting a hook. "I thought we already covered this? I am not touching a worm….or a fish."
Elliot laughed.
"No," he laughed again, "we can save that adventure for another day."
"I am a city girl, El. Manhattan born and raised. The only fish I touch was prepared by Mr. Fijuwachi at the Japanese Garden."
She chuckled.
"I'll give you that. What about a walk? It is beautiful outside and the sun will be setting before long. It might be nice to walk around and see the rest of the property. And take advantage of the fresh air out here."
"I'm up for that."
They walked around outside for a little while exploring the property. They didn't speak much, but the beauty of the country around them provided a great distraction from the rush of their city lives. They sat beside the lake for a while and Elliot showed her how to skip a rock across the water. The simplest things seemed to please her most right now.
It was the last day of May and the sun was hot up in the sky. He held up his pant legs and she held the ruffled skirt of her sun dress as they walked around in the water a bit in an attempt to cool off. Elliot held her hands to help guide her across some of the slippery rocks, but things took a turn for the worse when he himself slipped and fell, pulling her in with him.
When they both surfaced from the water Olivia looked mortified. Elliot waited for a moment expecting her to get angry and start yelling at him, but she didn't. He watched as she raised her hand from the water and brushed the wet hair back from her face.
"Liv, I am so sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear."
Olivia drew a staggered breath and stared at him blankly for a moment. Elliot watched closely, feeling horrible that she was about to cry once more.
But she didn't.
Instead, Olivia stood from the water, brushing the ruffles of the now soaked dress back into place. She pressed her lips together and turned in an attempt to walk back to the bank. Her attempt failed.
Elliot watched as she slipped again and fell back into the water once more.
"Liv, are you okay?" he asked making his way over to check on her.
Olivia sat looking like a drowned rat with layers of yellow sun dress floating up around her. Elliot reached out to brush the hair from her face and it appeared as if she were crying.
"Let me help you up," he said struggling to stand. "This was a bad idea. We should get you back inside."
But as he attempted to stand, she broke out in laughter. Elliot turned to look over at her as she leaned back a bit and moved her legs around in the water. He watched confused as she seemed to laugh uncontrollably.
"Olivia? Are you okay?"
"I look like Hell," she laughed as she stared at her reflection in the water. "Like some sea monster or the creature from the black lagoon," she giggled. "This is awful," she choked out laughing hysterically.
Elliot blinked as he began to smile as well. This was the first time he had heard her laugh in weeks.
"Let's get you inside," he said standing and reaching for her hand.
"El, we're already wet," she replied pushing back into the deeper water. "Com swim with me."
"Swim with you?"
"Yea," she laughed. "The water feels great."
Elliot scratched his head still feeling a bit confused.
"Okay, if you are sure."
"I'm sure," she replied moving closer and reaching out for his hand. "Swim with me."
Elliot placed his hand in hers and made his way out into the water next to her.
"It does feel nice."
"Beats the heat, right? It really is beautiful out here," she said looking around them at miles and miles of countryside with no other people in sight. "Peaceful."
"I was hoping you would like it."
Olivia smiled and splashed water at him as she swam away from him. He chased after her and they splashed around for a little while in the summer air. They swam around chasing each other in the water.
Once when Elliot had actually caught her, the world was still around them for a moment as they remained there, treading water and staring into each other's eyes. In that moment, he had almost forgotten about all of the heartache that had taken place over the last couple of weeks and the only thing that crossed his mind was how much he still loved her.
Without thinking, he began to lean slowly forward in an attempt to kiss her. But just before their lips met, Olivia caught herself and pulled away from him. She stared nervously at him and that carefree spirit in her was gone.
"I'm sorry," she said softly as she swam over to the bank and climbed from the water.
Elliot was so angry with himself for letting anything happen. He scoffed and made a growling noise as he ducked under the water once more then climbed out as well.
"Olivia, wait," he said running to catch up with her. "I apologize. That was completely inappropriate and those were not my intentions, I swear."
"I know," she said with a nod as she turned to face him. "I'm just kind of messed up right now. You know? And I can't get into any kind of relationship until I can pull myself together and figure out what the hell is wrong with me?"
"Nothing is wrong with you. You lost your child. And you are mourning that loss. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. And you need a friend. Your best friend. Not some jerk trying to put the moves on you."
"It wasn't only you, Elliot. I almost kissed you, too. And I am sorry if I have mislead you, I didn't intend to. I do care very much about you," she said as her tears began to flow once more, "but this is not at all what I want right now."
"I understand," he said wiping a tear from her cheek and hugging her. "I will behave, I promise. Why don't you stand here and I will go in and get us some towels. That way we don't make as much mess inside."
"Okay," she agreed, watching as he stripped down to his boxer shorts and entered the cabin.
He returned a few minutes later and held up a towel in front of her as she stepped out of her wet clothes. He wrapped her in the warmth of the dry towel as they made their way back inside.
"There is a clothes line out back. I'll go out and hang up our wet clothes in a little while and they will be dry by tomorrow," he suggested. "You can have the first shower," he replied watching as she shivered a bit.
"Why don't you go first?"
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yea, it only takes you a few minutes. By the time I get my clothes ready you will be done. Go ahead."
"Okay," he replied stepping into the bathroom with his towel around his waist.
Olivia clutched her towel with one hand and dug through her clothes with the other. Finally she spotted Elliot's suitcase across the room and smiled.
Moments later Elliot stepped out of the shower and she climbed in. he made his way into the bedroom to see one of his tee shirts and a pair of his pajama pants laid out on the bed for her to wear after her shower.
He smiled. It made him happy that she still found some comfort in wearing his old clothes. He grabbed another change of clothes from the suitcase and got dressed.
He walked back outside and picked up their wet clothing spreading it out to dry on the clothes line in the now evening sun. He looked back at the little lake behind him and smiled remembering her laughter once more. It really seemed like Olivia was coming back around to her old self.
Back inside the cabin, Elliot started dinner. He prepared spaghetti with garlic bread and a salad, then set the table with two candles and two glasses of wine.
"There," he said stepping back after lighting the second candle to look at his finished project.
He suddenly realized that the shower hadn't been running for some time now and Olivia hadn't reappeared from the bedroom. Worried she was feeling bad again, he took a sip from his wine glass, then picked hers up and made his way into the bedroom.
He could see her standing in front of the mirror the moment he stepped into the room. But it wasn't until he got a little closer that he realized exactly what she was doing.
"Olivia, don't!" he shouted dropping a full glass of red wine onto the floor as he shoved her hand back, pushing his service weapon from her mouth and causing her to drop it on the dresser.
Olivia broke down crying as she fell into the floor.
"What the Hell were you thinking?" he shouted picking the gun up and emptying the clip into his palm. "You can't do this! I won't let you do this!"
Olivia just cried and shook her head as he dragged her by the arm out the front door to watch him throw all of the bullets into the water.
Back inside, Elliot blew out the candles and put the put dinner away for some other day. Thinking back, he couldn't believe he had yelled at her. But he couldn't believe that things had gotten that bad for her and he hadn't noticed either. He looked over at Olivia, sitting on the couch curled up in a blanket, still crying.
In her hand, she clutched a wet wash cloth to absorb the blood that now flowed from her mouth.
"How are you doing?" Elliot asked softly sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of her. "Are you okay? Can I take a look?" he asked half scared he'd knocked her teeth out when he jerked the gun away from her.
Olivia stared into his eyes and said nothing as she lowered the wash cloth and opened her mouth for him to look inside. Elliot tipped her head back and attempted to search for a wound.
"I can't tell what is bleeding."
"I think it cut the roof of my mouth," she said softly.
"You should rinse your mouth out with warm salt water. It will help stop the bleeding."
She blinked, then calmly stood and made her way to the kitchen where he handed a mug of the salty concoction.
"I wasn't a hundred percent sure I hadn't knocked out your teeth," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I never meant to hurt you," he said feeling a bit guilty.
"I'll be fine."
"What in the world were you thinking? You scared me to death."
"I just wanted the pain to stop," she gasped as tears filled her eyes once more.
"Liv, killing yourself is never the answer. How long have you been thinking about this?"
She shook her head.
"I'm just so tired. And so tired of hurting and missing him. I'm so tired of taking medication that is supposed to make this better and just feeling worse. I got out of the shower and was standing at the dresser drying my hair. And I felt overwhelmed and started to cry again. I just wanted a way to make the pain go away. And as I struggled to get the cap off of my medication that doesn't even work, I saw the gun laying there on the dresser. I just…." she paused to stare at him and notice he was crying as well.
Olivia started to cry once more and made her way into the bedroom once more. Moments later Elliot laid down beside her on the bed. He stared into her sad eyes in silence trying hard to understand what she was feeling.
"I know how hard this is, Liv. I miss him too."
"I wouldn't have done it, Elliot."
"What?"
"I wouldn't have gone through with it," she sobbed. "I'm a coward. And I couldn't do it. No matter how bad I hurt. No matter how bad I wanted to. I had stood there with that gun in my mouth trying to find the courage for five minutes before you walked in. I was scared and I just couldn't do it."
"Thank God for that," he said brushing his thumb across her forehead and kissing it. "Liv, I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you. I love you and I need you. You are my best friend. You have to talk to me. That is what I am here for. We have to help each other through this. You have to promise me that you are never going to try anything like this again."
"I promise," she whispered as she felt the cold of the handcuffs close around her wrist.
"Elliot? What are you…..you're handcuffing me to the bed?" she asked looking a bit confused.
"I'm not letting you out of my sight," he replied closing the other end around his wrist. "Where you go, I go."
Olivia jerked her wrist and turned it to look at the cuffs.
"Are you serious? If this is a joke, it isn't funny."
"Do I look like I'm joking?" he asked fluffing his pillow and settling into it.
"I just promised you that I wouldn't do anything like that again."
"Just the same, I think it's safer this way. It's been a long day. Try to get some sleep," he said closing his eyes.
"What if I have to pee?" she asked in protest.
"Then wake me up. And I hope you can handle everything with one hand," he replied exhaling deeply.
Olivia stared at him in a moment in disbelief, before finally settling into the pillow beside him.
That night a summer storm fell upon them and somewhere between the thunder and lightening, Elliot found her wrapped up tight in his arms sleeping like an angel. He smiled and kissed the top of her head as he pulled the blankets up around her and closed his eyes once more.
The next morning he awoke to find himself all stretched out alone in bed. Dangling from his wrist were the handcuffs, with one end empty and Olivia was nowhere in sight.
"Shit!" she said as he scrambled from the bed.
He ran to check the bathroom, but she wasn't there. Elliot then dashed into the empty living room and threw open the front door to look outside, but he didn't see her there either. He stepped back inside and leaned against the wall for a moment. He closed his eyes and smoothed his hands over his face racking his brain to think of where she could be.
"Looking for something?" Olivia asked as he opened his eyes to see her standing on the other side of the kitchen counter holding two cups of coffee.
"How did you….?"
She smiled and sat a cup down on the counter for him.
"My wrist is much smaller than yours," she reminded him.
He watched as she held her hand up in front of him and folded her thumb over in front of her other four fingers.
"It slid right out," she said shrugging her shoulders.
"That isn't funny. You scared me to death."
"I promised you that I wouldn't try anything like that again. And I won't. I am sorry for everything. I don't know what came over me. But I am feeling better now. And I made breakfast."
"You did?"
"Yes."
"What did you make?"
"Spaghetti," she said with a smile as she pulled a plate from the microwave.
Elliot helped her to reset the table and they sat down to eat together.
"I don't think you should take anymore of those pills," he suggested as she took a bite of food.
Olivia raised her eyes and stared at him.
"I was thinking, a lot of these antidepressants list among their side effects that they can cause suicidal thoughts."
"Why would they prescribe something for depression if it makes people suicidal?"
"It makes some people have thoughts of suicide. Not everyone who takes it has that problem. And I am sure that it helps some people. I just think that if this particular medication makes you feel more depressed and makes you want to sleep all of the time and have thoughts of suicide, maybe this isn't the right medication for you. I think we should talk to your doctor about prescribing something different, finding something that works better for you."
"Do you think I need therapy?"
Elliot just about choked.
"Liv, that isn't what I was trying to say at all."
"No, I know. But honestly, I have not been myself for a while now. Do you think that I should start seeing a therapist?"
"If you think it will help you feel better. Maybe you could try it and decide if it helps you or not. It doesn't hurt to try. And if it makes you feel better, then it is definitely worth it."
"I am scared, El."
"Scared of what, honey?"
"All of these people want me to get better, feel better. They want me to be able to pick myself up and move on with my life and get to a place where being without Greyson doesn't hurt so much anymore. And I am so scared….I don't want to forget him."
"Sweetheart, we will never forget him. No one will. I promise you that. We just have to find a way to keep living our lives."
"I know. It is just still so hard to imagine that we will never see him or hold him again. We will never hear his little giggles or first words. We will never see his first steps and teach him how to swim or ride a bike. Our son is just gone. And all people can say is sometimes it happens. I guess it is just a little hard to except, you know? And truthfully, some days I don't feel like getting out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. I am probably always going to have those days, Elliot."
"And that 's okay. We just have to work on things so that there are fewer of those days and the other days are easier to face."
Elliot reached out and placed his hand on hers.
"I just want to help you to feel better. To be able to have happy days instead of moments, without feeling guilty about them like you do now. You deserve to be happy, Olivia. I miss your smile. And I miss your laugh."
Olivia looked up at him and smiled slowly.
"I know you are concerned about me. But I wish you wouldn't worry so much."
"I worry because I care. I love you."
"I know you do. I love you, too. And you are absolutely right. I have a problem and I need help."
"You are not in this alone," he reminded her.