Author's Note: Thanks for reading (and thanks to the readers who message me!) You all make this experience fun. Enjoy!

Chapter 3

After debating things for an hour, Sophie finally claimed she was tired and left the room. Charlotte went after her and Henry spent some time trying to talk to Will the way a father would, but Will couldn't stand to talk about the baby anymore, or the other awful subject Henry had yet to bring up.

Henry, to, had lost his parabatai, but he had been older then Will was now. Will vaguely remembered that time, as it had occurred right after Jem had come to the Institute. Henry had been devastated over Peter's death and had disappeared for a very long time. Then one day he emerged from the Library and had gone down to the crypt, where he surrounded himself with objects that didn't breathe or think, that he didn't have to worry about loving. He had never been the same since.

Will wondered what it would be like to go to the alcove up in the Library, lay on the floor, and ignore everything his body craved. He wondered what it would be like to waste away into nothing more than dust.

"I'm sorry, Will," Henry said. Will had been staring at the floor, but he looked up. He didn't ask why Henry was apologizing because there were so many reasons why he would feel sorry for Will.

Will stood up and started for the door, but Charlotte walked in and said that they planned on making Jem's old room into a nursery since it was one of the larger rooms in the Institute. As for now, the room was still full of Jem's things Will had yet to go through. Will left the drawing room and went back to his room to find the bed made perfectly. There was no evidence of his trangression with Miss O'Connor. He paced the length of the room for a minute or two, then went to Jem's door and opened it.

The room was exactly the same as it had always been: warm, inviting, and neat. It smelled subtly like lavender from the soap Jem used. There was a bed and a bureau for clothing, as well as a desk and a steamer trunk at the end of the bed that would have held the rest of Jem's earthly possessions. Will went to the bureau and opened it to find a bottle of brandy sitting beside a wooden box, so he removed both the box and the brandy and went to Jem's desk. He unscrewed the lid of the brandy and had a sip before opening the jewelry box.

When Jem's parents had died, friends of his family had packed up what possessions and money they could and had sent them with Jem to London. Jem had created a detailed list of all he had owned a few years before, and three days after the funeral, Will had sat by as Jem's will had been read and his things distributed among the Institute's residents. Everything remaining in this room was now Will's responsibility.

Will took another burning sip of the brandy, and then picked up a small picture resting in the jewelry box. The picture was of Jem's parents. Jem wasn't with them, so it had to have been taken before Jem had been born. Most notable about the picture was that Jem's parents had been standing on the front lawn of the London Institute. Jem's mother had been from China and Will couldn't remember how or why she had come to London.

There was another picture as well, which showed Jem's father looking very young with his arm around a man Will recognized as his own father. They wore matching runes on their wrists and were each smiling. They had to have been just barely 17, nearly the same age as Jem had been when Will swore to him. In the background, Will could just make out a youthful looking Benedict Lightwood. His eyes weren't on the camera and were instead trained on Will's father. Benedict had never mentioned Will's father, not that that Will had expected him, but he hadn't said anything about Jem's father either. Will was about to wonder about the three men in the picture when another photo caught his eye.

Resting on a layer of rings, necklaces, and hairclips lay one final picture. Will had another sip of brandy, then picked up the picture and looked it over. He and Jem were standing in the Sanctuary, each looking slightly faint but both smiling. This picture had been taken the day they had sworn as parabatai. Will could barely remember the ceremony, and only recalled that he had vowed many, many things to Jem. Then there was the painful application of binding runes before it was suddenly over and they were bound together until death separated them.

Will remembered the night following the ceremony perfectly. There had been a party and it had been the first time Will had ever drank hard alcohol. Will and Jem had left the party right after dinner and had gone upstairs to this very room. It had been late December, right before New Years, and Jem had lit a fire in the fireplace before crawling into bed with Will. They had been having sex for close to two years then, but that night, it was more than just sex.

"Make love to me," Jem had whispered. Will had no idea what love was, or how to make it, but that night, they didn't kiss as hard as they usually did. They didn't grab at one another the way they used to. That time, it wasn't a battle and there was no dominance versus submissiveness. There was just Will and Jem making love as perfect equals.

Will could still see Jem's body colored orange by the fire as he lay down on his back in the bed. They had experimented with every position but Jem preferred to be on his back. He liked to be able to touch and kiss Will whenever possible. That night, Will moved between Jem's knees and Jem had reached up and ran his fingers down Will's chest, then back up again. His face reflected pain just for a second as Will went to stretch Jem carefully, and he winced once more when Will finally slipped inside of him.

Jem had reached down and rested his palms against Will's lower back as he pulled a leg up to allow Will to go in deeper. It hurt Jem, and Will knew it, so Will distracted Jem by kissing him and telling him he loved him until Jem finally relaxed. Their bodies moved together, with neither of them pushing or pulling. Will suddenly wasn't concerned with a sought after release but rather enjoying every moment.

Will had held Jem's body in his arms and felt every inch of their skin touch and that night, he let himself fall in love with the silver haired boy. He even went so far as to understand why people fell in love and got married: there was something amazing about pledging the rest of your life to someone. Will knew he would never need anyone ever again, if just had Jem.

Now, the only thing Will had to remember Jem was a collection of objects and five years worth of perfect memories.

"Bit early for a drink, don't you think?" Will heard. He looked up to see Tessa standing at the door, dressed in a dark purple dress. Her hair was braided, but a few tendrils had escaped the braid and framed her face. The purple made her eyes appear a darker grey, and for a moment, Will could only stare at them.

"If you don't begrudge me a drink, I won't begrudge you for being annoying," Will said.

"Sharp tongued as ever, Master Herondale." Tessa said. Will was surprised to find himself blushing. It wasn't that he cared that anyone knew about his tryst with Miss O'Connor, but it bothered him that Tessa more than likely knew the reason why he had done it. She had seen him so many different ways, and with Jem's help, had him figured out, like it or not.

Tessa walked into the room and Will quickly put the pictures away. He closed the jewelry box as Tessa came to the desk. "May I?" Tessa pointed to the brandy and Will nodded, so she took a sip and set the bottle back down. "I saw the door was open…" Will nodded again. "I wanted to stop by and tell you that I missed you. You and I both loved Jem in our own ways, and… it's good to have you back." Will nodded. "I also heard you're going to be a father." Will looked back at the jewelry box. There was a scene carved on the top of it and Will ran his fingers over it.

"I don't know what I'm going to be," Will said. Church pranced into the room and bumped his head against Will's leg before going to curl up on the bed. Will wanted to kick the cat but hurting Jem's cat just felt wrong on many different levels. Jem wouldn't have wanted Will to be angry at the cat. The cat had done nothing wrong.

"A baby needs a father," Tessa said. "Especially a baby Shadowhunter."

"It's just a baby. It's not a Shadowhunter until it turns twelve and starts training and can take runes. Before that it's just a squabbling little thing that asks to many questions," Will said. Tessa giggled a little, a sweet smile on her face.

"But the baby will be so darling," Tessa said. "I bet he'll take right after Jem."

"The baby will be awful. And his mother…" Will shuddered. "Do you know what I wish, Tessa? I wish, on the night that Jem decided he needed to lose his virginity that he came to you instead of Sophie. In fact, I wish you had never come to the Institute. I wish you would just leave."

"You brought me here. You didn't object to me staying," Tessa said. "I don't know why he picked Sophie. I don't know why he did everything he did before he died. But have to stop blaming others and you have to stop blaming yourself because sometimes, what happened is no one's fault!"

Will looked up at Tessa as he breathed in a sharp intake of air. Tessa met his eyes and stepped closer. She took her index finger and ran it along the edge of Will's jaw, then brushed some of his hair away from his eyes.

Will tried to pull away and tried to come up with something terrible to say but found nothing. He just looked into her grey eyes until his vision went blurry. He felt his heart throb for a second, and then the pain moved to his stomach, which seized up into a painful cramp, causing him to cry out. He bent over and wrapped his arms around his chest as he started to sob.

"Will!" Tessa exclaimed, "Will, what's wrong?"

"It feels like something awful has crawled inside of me and won't get out!" Will cried. "Am I going crazy, Tessa? Because one minute Jem was here and now he's gone!"

The tears Will had held in all morning started then. Will let them pour out of him, and he felt his heart crack in half, again. Tessa wrapped her arms around Will and held him close as he cried against her chest. Nothing would be the same, ever again.

When Will finally stopped crying, he asked Tessa to leave him alone and she obliged him. He went back to his room and found his boots. He put on a long wool overcoat and top hat and left the Institute. Will walked for a very long time up and down the streets of London, dodging some carriages and walking out in front of others. One time, he stepped in front of a horse, and the horse reared up, its front hooves carving the air in front of Will. Will considered, just for a moment, letting the horse trample him. It would hurt and he would more than likely survive, but the pain would take his mind off of everything else. He would welcome a brief respite from the pain in his upper chest and stomach that would not go away. It was as he explained to Tessa before: something had climbed into him and had taken root, and there was nothing he could do to kill the pain inside of himself.

In time, Will came to a townhouse close to the Thames and stopped in front of it. There was a fire lit in the fire place which was sending curls of dark blue smoke into the air. Will stood outside for a while, until the grey slush littering the streets finally seeped into his boots. Then he climbed the front steps up to a door, raised his hand, and knocked.

Magnus opened the door after another minute. He stood by and looked at Will, knowing that sooner or later, Will would offer an explanation for why he had shown up on Magnus's front steps.

Will had been here before and he always had a reason for coming to Magnus's home. The last time he had shown up, Will had fallen to his knees on the floor of the foyer and felt his soul break as he admitted to Magnus that Jem was gone. Now, Will found himself standing, but just barely. His eyes felt hot and they might have contained tears, but the air outside was cold so Will wasn't sure. He just looked up at Magnus until Magnus stepped aside and gestured Will inside.

"I just couldn't be there anymore," Will said. He dropped his coat off of his shoulders and Magnus caught it. Will kicked his boots off and Magnus placed them beside the door.

"I have a fire burning in the parlor. Why don't you go have a seat in there? I'll make us some tea," Magnus said. He rested his hand on Will's upper back but Will shrugged away and walked down to the parlor.

The parlor was decorated in crimson and black, like the rest of the house. The windows were usually covered with drapes but the drapes were pulled aside to let in the bright light from outside. Will sat down on the sofa and looked into the fire place. Not surprisingly, the flames in the hearth were blue and smelled of a spicy herb. Will thought of the last time he had seen fire and he bit back a gag. Magnus bustled in with a tea pot, two cups and two saucers. He sat beside Will on the sofa and poured them each a cup of tea. Will took his and had a sip, feeling his stomach instantly begin to settle.

"I'm thinking about redecorating. I want the red and black gone. That was all… Camille's doing," Magnus said. He said the name as though it left a bitter taste in his mouth. "I was thinking about ivory walls and neutral curtains. What do you think?" Will shrugged. "I'm also thinking about getting a cat. It might be nice to have a little life in here."

"I have a smashed faced Persian you can have," Will said.

"You would never give Jem's cat away. Besides, that cat is immortal and I don't have time to commit to a cat that never dies," Magnus said.

"Of course, because living forever is a curse, I forgot," Will said.

"It's not a curse," Magnus said. "It's just… I'll be nineteen forever."

"Right, of course. I feel sorry for you," Will said.

"Good work with the sarcasm," Magnus remarked. "You've come a long way, since... before."

Will downed half his cup of tea before setting it down on a saucer. He removed Magnus's cup from Magnus's hand, placed it on a saucer, then took Magnus's face in his hands and pressed his lips to Magnus's, giving the warlock the kiss he had cheated him out of the night before.

Magnus made a quiet noise of objection but kissed back. Will moved his hands to Magnus's waist and sucked gently on Magnus's lower lip. He pushed Magnus down on the sofa, then tossed a leg over Magnus and straddled him as their lips met again. Magnus spread his hands on Will's chest and tried to push him away, but then his mouth opened and Will pushed his tongue between Magnus's teeth. There was a burst of warmth as Magnus kissed him back. Will tasted lemon and ginger on Magnus's spit, so he kissed harder, enjoying the taste.

Magnus's fingers gripped Will's ribs and his nails dug in, pulling at the thin material of Will's shirt. He was making soft moans of protest. Magnus tangled one hand into Will's hair and shoved the other down the back of Will's pants.

Will felt warmth in his stomach, not unlike the warmth he felt last night. His heart was pounding and he discovered that he had become semi erect in a matter of seconds. He felt unwound and torn apart, but every burning kiss that ripped across his lips coiled him tighter and tighter. Jem had been an amazing lover, but Magnus… he knew how to pleasure Will in ways Will couldn't pleasure himself. Will began to rub himself against Magnus and Magnus not only allowed it, but gripped Will's backside hard and pressed him against himself.

The room was warm and they were both sweating. Will unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it over his head. Magnus made no move to remove his shirt, so Will reached down and did it for him. Magnus was wearing a white undershirt as well, and beneath that there was only Magnus's cinnamon colored skin. Will placed his hands on the hem of Magnus's undershirt. He looked down and saw an outline warlock's erection straining against the front of his trousers.

Will's mouth watered.

He shoved Magnus's shirt up, then began to lick generously from the waist band of Magnus's trousers up the center of his chest. There was a black mark etched into Magnus's side, and when Will ran his tongue over it, Magnus moaned in pleasure, pushing Will's face away. Will just smiled and resumed licking Magnus's chest.

Magnus's nipples hardened the second Will got close to them so Will teased the tip of his tongue over one of them and Magnus arched his back, lifting his chest closer to Will's mouth. Will pushed Magnus's shirt over his head and tossed his own shirt onto the floor as well. He raked his nails down either side of Magnus's chest, then began biting and sucking the thin skin that ran down the warlock's neck. Magnus whimpered and closed his eyes as he gripped the hair on the back of Will's head.

"Will," Magnus mumbled. His other hand was on the button of Will's pants. "Will…."

Will moved over to Magnus's other nipple and licked and sucked it as well. There was tension followed by release on the button of Will's pants, and Magnus pushed his hand inside, bypassing the elastic waist band of Will's boxer shorts. He gripped Will's shaft with the same tightness as last night, and began to touch him, stopping after only a few strokes.

"What's the matter?" Will asked.

"You're soaked," Magnus replied. He withdrew his hand and showed his palm, which was wet with several thin trails of precum.

"I'm sorry," Will said. "I just…Magnus…."

Will could feel that he was fully erect and aching for a release of any kind. He just wanted blinding ecstasy to rip through his body and leave him curled on the floor in a blissful, pain free existence. He wanted to come hard enough to see stars, and Magnus could do that for him.

"Don't apologize," Magnus said. He kissed Will again, the licked his palm as he smiled to Will, a naughty look in his eyes. When his hand was sufficiently moistened, Magnus pushed it back into Will's shorts and once again took a firm hold of his erection.

Will managed to unbutton Magnus's trousers but with Magnus's hand between them, touching Magnus was proving difficult. Instead, Will resumed kissing Magnus as Magnus continued to stroke, but something had gone missing.

Magnus pulled his lips away from Will's, and a disgusted look crossed his face, as if he had just tasted something bittersweet. Magnus opened his hand and Will was left to rub himself against Magnus's palm. Will tried to kiss Magnus harder and faster, with more passion, but Magnus avoided Will's lips, pulled his hand out of Will's shorts, and pushed Will away.

"Mags," Will said.

"No," Magnus said. Will fell back onto the other arm of the couch and saw that Magnus's hair was all messed up. The expression on his face showed hurt… just like it had the night he had walked beneath the apple tree to see Will and Jem together. "Will, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" Will asked. "We're just doing what we did last night."

"I just can't do it, okay? Get dressed. We need to talk," Magnus said. He climbed from the couch, collected his clothing, and left the room.

Will reached down and found his undershirt, which he pulled on, followed by his shirt, which he put on but didn't button. After a few minutes, Magnus walked in, fully dressed, to find Will sipping his tea.

Magnus sat beside Will, close enough to let his left arm touch Will's right arm. "Will… were you with someone earlier?"

"Of course not," Will replied. "Why would you think that way?"

"You might be grieving but that doesn't give you the right to lie to me," Magnus said. His voice sounded strained, like he wanted to yell, but didn't dare to. "You use people, Will. You used someone today, not along ago. Don't try to deny it. I can smell her all over you. Who was it this time?"

"The meaningless maid," Will said. "She's nothing to me, Magnus. You're something to me. There's a difference." Magnus shook his head.

"You were with her and then you came here and thought you would be with me? And I'm supposed to just allow this?" Magnus asked. "I forgave you. I forgive you. But it doesn't make up for the fact that six months ago, you hurt me. I put my soul on the line for you and I thought you cared about us, and maybe you did, and maybe, you didn't."

"Now Magnus," Will said with a laugh, "You and I both know we don't have souls."

Will heard Magnus's gasping breath in the same moment he saw Magnus's eyes fill with tears. Magnus covered his mouth with his hand and shook his head. A second later, Magnus sunk his nails into Will's shoulder and shoved him off the couch.

"Does my forgiveness mean anything to you? Or do you just feel off the hook enough to go hurt more people?" Magnus asked. "I know you, Will, whether you like it or not. You think if you don't care you'll never have to hurt. You just hurt everyone else."

"I didn't realize you thought you had a soul," Will said. "You're part demon…"

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Magnus cried. "Get, out, Will, GET OUT!" He kicked Will in the thigh, and then stood up, gathering his strength like leopard ready to strike. Will had the good sense to grab the rest of his things before Magnus pushed him from the parlor, down the hall, and paused for Will to shove his feet into his boots. Will was suddenly out the door, into a flurry of snow, as Magnus threw Will's coat at the back of his head and slammed the door shut.

For the first time in a very, very long time, Will suddenly felt as though he was really and truly alone.

Author's Note: Okay, listen. Some reviews would be really, really nice. I at least want to know that this story is being read and is either being enjoyed or hated, but I can't know any of that if none of you tell me what you think. I know you're reading this (I know you're out there!). I'll take criticism but not outright flames. I will enable anonymous reviews again if that is what you want. Basically, I just want to hear from you. Reviews make my little heart sing, so please, pretty please… review? Here's a teaser to Chapter 4:

"Have you ever wanted to kiss someone so badly, it hurt?"