Author's Note: Sorry I have updated again so quickly. I have a lot going on and wanted to get my update out of the way. Please enjoy, please review.
Chapter 6
"Will!" Magnus screamed. "Will!"
Will had no idea where he was, only that he had been running, and Magnus was chasing after him, but somehow, Will had managed to evade him. The streets were icy and Will fell time and time again, smashing his bones against cobblestones and soaking his clothing until it clung to him like wet parchment. Magnus gave up the chase Will as Will staggered beneath the front gates of the Institute.
Magnus stood in front of the gates. He could have come in, but he gave a respectable distance instead. Magnus's face was soaked with tears and he was sobbing breathlessly. He took another step forward, lifted his hand, and called to Will with strained sounding voice.
"Will," Magnus said. "Please, Will. Stop and listen. I know I did wrong. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry, Will. I love you, please forgive me. I just want to talk to you. I love you so much. Don't let this be the end. Please. I love you."
"I'm sorry for that." Will said, "The feeling is no longer mutual."
"I love you, Will, GODAMMNIT I LOVE YOU!" Magnus screamed. He had completely lost every bit of self control and was now, pathetically, at Will's mercy.
Will feared the words that might come out of Magnus's mouth. Perhaps, if Magnus said the right word, Will might have grabbed Magnus by the hand had pulled him inside the Institute, and they would have worked it all out, but Magnus kept saying the wrong word over and over again, or, perhaps, Will just didn't want to hear that word anymore, coming from Magnus.
"Will," Magnus said. "Will, I…" Magnus took a step forward, getting within an arm's length of Will. He put a hand out, offering himself to Will, and Will took a step back to avoid his touch. "I love you, Will."
"Burn in hell," Will said. "Burn in hell, you soulless demon."
Will didn't wait to see how his words cut through Magnus's like a hot blade. He didn't watch as Magnus crumpled to his knees and begged Will for forgiveness. Will spun around, slipped on the icy stone walkway, climbed up the front steps, pulled open the Institute's door, and slammed the door closed once he was inside.
Will leaned against the door and shocked to find tears running down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around his body and let himself sob, quietly, for several minutes. He thought about everything that had transpired this afternoon and wondered if it had all been just a game to Magnus. Perhaps Magnus only said he had forgiven Will for his past transgressions with Jem, and now, this was Magnus's revenge. Of course, that was what it was. Will had done a terrible thing and it was right that Magnus punish him.
Will's body felt bruised and his bones felt broken. He let himself feel the pain and believe that he deserved it. Will had hurt others; many others, in fact. It was only right that he feel pain as well.
When Will had caught his breath and calmed himself, he ran upstairs and didn't stop until he got to the floor his room was located on. The corridors in the Institute were lit by muted bits of witch light. As Will crept down the hallway, he could tell that it was nearly bed time for everyone. Charlotte and Henry would have turned in first. Will and Jem used to be the last ones still awake. They always used to have a reason to stay up late together. Now…
Will let out a shuddering breath and tried to contain his hysteria as he walked into his bedroom. There were so many things which had happened in what felt like such a short span of time. Too much had happened. Jem died and now, Will found himself wanting to follow.
Will pulled open the door to his bedroom and walked in. The room was pitch black, but Will kicked off his boots and found his way over to his dresser. He opened the top drawer and withdrew the dagger he had brought from his parent's home in Wales. The hilt of the dagger was adorned with both runes and soaring birds. It had belonged to his father, and had been one of the few things his father had kept from his past as a Shadowhunter.
Will unbuttoned his shirt, then took his left hand and rested it over his heart, which was still pounding from the run. He lifted the dagger with his right hand, pressed it to the skin over his heart, and felt the sharp point of the dagger bite into his cold and clammy skin. Will grimaced and focused on a spot on the wall, envisioning the blade slipping through his skin and muscle. It would bypass his ribs, and by the time Will was ready to pull it out, it would have already pierced his heart and caused a magnitude of blood to flood his chest and lungs. Putting the knife through his chest and into his heart would burn and hurt like hell, but it would be irreversible.
"You're home early," Will heard. He spun around, the dagger still to his chest, as Tessa walked in. She looked like an angel dressed a white nightgown, with a mauve dressing gown tied over it. "And chilled to the bone. Honestly, Will, you could catch your death running around like this." Tessa walked over, grabbed Will's hand, and pulled it and the dagger away from his chest with cool and crisp composure. This was such an unexpected change from the quiet and meek individual Tessa used to be, Will had no choice but to let her do as she wished. "Drop it, Will." Will opened his palm and Tessa took the dagger from him. She tossed it into his dresser drawer, got a spare blanket from the end of his bed and laid it over his shoulders.
"Leave me alone," Will said.
"I've got a fire lit in the drawing room. I was reading down there, since it's so cozy. Come sit with me. You could tell me about your day," Tessa said. She walked out of the room. Will waited a moment and then followed.
Tessa was sitting in a chair beside the fire. There was another chair available but Will instead sat down on the floor in front of Tessa's chair. She had her eyes on her book, reading as if she had never been interrupted.
Will found himself cold, so while Tessa was suitably distracted, he reached up, unbuttoned his shirt, and pulled it off. He exposed his back to Tessa for just a moment, but she kept her eyes on her book.
"It would be good of you to get out of those clothes," Tessa said. "I won't watch."
"Aren't you curious?" Will asked. Tessa smirked.
"Cold as you are, it's not like you have much to show," Tessa offered. Will smiled, fleetingly. Tessa had always been able to make him smile, not that he would admit to it.
Will reached down, unbuttoned his pants, and pulled them off, leaving his boxer shorts still on. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders and laid the pants on the hearth beside his shirt. Tessa didn't say anything and neither did he, despite the fact that he was now nearly naked, less than a foot from her, and they both knew it.
Will was still shivering, but Tessa lay a hand on the back of his neck, which had started to ache. She began to massage, lightly, and the pain began to fade away.
"What book are you reading?" Will asked.
"The Green Book," Tessa said with a sigh. "I found it in the Library. It's all about warlocks, and their contributions to modern society. It's pretty boring."
"I hate warlocks," Will said. "All they ever do is tell lies and half truths. They're no better than faeries." His eyes filled up with tears again but his back was to Tessa, so she couldn't see him crying.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tessa asked. She moved her hands to Will's shoulders and began to knead. His closed his eyes as he felt her fingers dig into the tight strips of muscle across his back. Her touch was warm and without planning to, Will found himself starting to relax.
"No," Will said. "I don't want to talk about it."
"I'm here if you want to-"
"Jem was more than just my parabatai," Will said. It was the first time he ever said it aloud. He had always expected something awful to happen the first time he ever mentioned the affair out loud. Surely, the moon would fall from the sky, or, at the very least, Tessa would kick him into the fire and call him all sorts of awful names. None of that happened. The fire snapped, sparks flew up the chimney, and Tessa said,
"I know."
"No, you don't. You only know that he and I had sex… and whatever else Sophie would have told you," Will said. "You don't know that he was my lover in so many different ways. You don't know what it was like to go to bed with him, to lay close to him all night, and then to wake up beside him the next morning. I loved him, Tessa. The kind of love everyone wants to have, I had with him."
"You were very fortunate," Tessa said. Will stared at the fire and saw only bright orange blurs in front of his eyes.
"He told me when he was dying that he wanted me to love again. He couldn't bear the thought of me being alone without him. I promised him I would, but I don't know how," Will said. "I thought I could love Magnus… but now I don't think I can love him either!"
"What happened with Magnus?" Tessa asked. "I know you are he…"
Will shook his head. He and Magnus had never known what one was to the other, and now, Will was unsure if they would ever find out.
"Magnus and I had something, and then we didn't, and then I thought we might, again… but then I saw him kissing Lady Camille," Will said. "He has been nothing but faithful to me. What changed? I never wanted anyone to love me, but he wanted to… so why did he stop loving me?"
"He kissed Lady Camille?" Tessa asked.
"She kissed him and he was a willing participant. It just happened," Will said. "I took off and he chased me here, and now…"
Will found his words suddenly stick in his throat. He felt himself falling towards something, and he couldn't stop it. He tried to take deep breathes and but there it was: the ripping pain in his chest, and the hot, messy breakdown all over again.
Tessa had been the last girl Will ever thought he could show weakness in front of, and yet here he was, crying to her for the second time in less than a day. It wasn't his proudest moment. Will had begun to wonder how much pain a human body could take before it exploded, and has his body shook with silent, agonizing sobs, he was certain he was at his limit.
"Am I doomed to lose everyone I could ever love?" Will asked.
"He couldn't have meant to hurt you," Tessa said. "The Magnus I know would never be able to hurt someone, and especially not you. Camille can be very convincing and even more so manipulative. She found a way to hurt Magnus by hurting you."
"I thought he loved me!" Will said. "He said he wanted to be the person I never wanted to lose. How did Camille….?"
"He still loves you, Will. He chased you from his house, back here, for a reason. I don't know why Camille is back, or why she wants to interfere with you and Magnus," Tessa said. "You must listen to me, Will. You must be strong. You're going to survive this."
Will disagreed. He tried to collect his tears, but they continued to pour out, so Will finally gave up and cried until he was cried out. Tessa continued to rub away the knots of tension in his shoulders, and finally, he found himself nearing calmness.
"Do you want to hear something, Tessa?" Will asked. "I hate Jem." Tessa didn't look surprised, but she didn't respond either. "I could never actually hate him, but he left at the worst time. I just want him back, Tessa. That's all I want." A little smile crossed Tessa's face as she looked into the fire. "What?" Tessa leaned down so that her lips were close to Will's ear. She brushed a bit of hair away from his neck and spoke at a whisper.
"I hate Sophie," Tessa said. "She gets to move on because she has to worry about the baby. It's the perfect distraction. She doesn't even act like she misses him, you know. Jem broke her so perfectly, for every good memory she has of him, it's tainted by the fact that he told her he loved you more. Now at some point she is going to give birth and the baby will take up all of her time and she won't have to mourn Jem. Then there is you and I, who loved him and can't seem to move on."
She was right. Will knew there was no love lost between Magnus and Jem, and while Magnus understood what it was like to lose the love of your life, it had happened to him so long ago, he couldn't have recalled the pain Will was feeling now. Even Sophie wouldn't ever understand how Will had felt, for she had loved Jem briefly and then had her heart broken by him. But Tessa never had her heart broken by Jem. Her feelings for him had always stayed the same. There was anyone at the Institute who's pain came close to the pain Will was feeling, it was Tessa.
"Oh, Tess," Will mumbled. He reached up, took the book from Tessa, set it on the hearth, and threaded his fingers between Tessa's. Will pulled her hand and Tessa moved from the chair onto the floor beside him. Tessa's nightgown and dressing gown spread around her and caused Will to remember the passionate kiss they had shared so many months ago.
Will could recall feeling very ill upstairs in the attic after DeQuincey's party, but then Tessa had come to him, just when he needed her to. They had kissed- Will could remember the kiss as warm and sensual. He had tugged her hair down from the clasp it had been in and for the briefest of seconds let himself want to feel love for her. He had been astounded to feel nothing at all. He admired her strong will and friendly demeanor, but he never felt the sort of love she deserved from him.
However, there had always been something between them, something Will couldn't identify. He was drawn to her the same way he was drawn to dangerous situations. He wanted to see what would happen next, and what sort of good and bad things they could do together. Tessa was perfect for Will in so many ways. She understood him more than anyone else. Will wanted to believe that some part of Tessa might have even loved him. He wanted to press his lips to Tessa's and have her take away the pain he felt. When Will had a dagger to his chest and wanted to die, Tessa was the one who would pull the dagger away and make him want to live.
The fire snapped in the hearth and Will turned to Tessa. The blanket fell from Will's shoulders and he didn't bother to recover it. For the first time ever, Tessa could see every bit of his skin that had been just barely covered by a shirt soaked in holy water and blood. Will shivered and felt a tear drop fall onto his hand. His chin quivered as he looked into Tessa's cool grey eyes. He thought of Magnus's eyes and thought about how he could stare into them for hours and never feel lost, and his heart broke just a little more.
"Tess," Will said. "Tess." He wasn't sure why he was saying her name but knew he was pleading for something. "Tessa…"
Tessa reached over with her right hand and ran her palm down the side of his bicep. He flinched but allowed the touch, which was neither hot nor cold but rather a steady warm. Her skin was soft, not callused the way his hands were. Tessa's fingers twirled around the runes on his forearm and his skin ignited into goosebumps. Will shuddered but didn't pull away. She had looked at him, before, like she wanted to touch him, and now, his body was begging for any bit of comfort she could provide.
The place Will had cut himself with the knife had bled a little but had dried. Tessa looked down at it, and then gently moved her finger over the cut. Will met her eyes and felt his breathing cease. He closed his eyes, and leaned forward. He sensed Tessa close by, her face near his. Will wanted to kiss her with every fiber of his being, and kiss her hard enough to forget his feelings for Magnus and Jem, but if he did that, he was no better than Magnus.
Will opened his eyes and looked up into Tessa's eyes. She lay her hand on his chest, over his heart.
"No," Tessa whispered. "Let's go to bed." She stood up, as did Will, and he found that there was no doubt whose bed he would spend the night in. Will collected his blanket back around his shoulders and weakly followed Tessa from the drawing room, down the hall, and into her room. They climbed in bed side by side. There was no touching but there was intimacy all the same. They covered up with a heavy blanket. Will moved his hand beneath the covers and Tessa laid her hand on top of his. Sometime later, they finally fell asleep.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Please review. How about a teaser?
"You're giving me an ultimatum?" Will asked.