She tells herself that she shouldn't dwell on the subject of Finn and his – well, his cancer. Just the thought of it frightens her regardless of whatever relationship she has with him right now.
It's not like this is the first time she's known someone with cancer, anyway. Her aunt had a battle with breast cancer while she was in college that she survived and one of her friends had a brother whose wife had cervical cancer or something like that, but she's never had it affect her so directly before.
Of course, maybe it wouldn't be affecting her so directly if she hadn't felt this need to be with Finn all of the time lately.
They drive back to her apartment separately; Rachel letting Finn go ahead of her as she drives behind him. She's afraid to actually go back to her apartment, because that's where Kurt is. Even though he's her best friend, he really is the last person she wants to see at the moment. She hasn't bothered to tell him why she's needed to use his car or where she had gone with it, and he's just going to give her the third degree when she gets back home, anyway.
She just needs time to sort everything out. Maybe if she goes on a vacation or lives under a rock for twenty years, she'll feel better about everything.
Maybe.
:.:.:
She tells Finn to wait in the lobby bathroom until she gets Kurt out, telling him that it's for his own safety, or benefit, or whatever. It is, after all. If Kurt sees that she's still living with Finn and she walks upstairs trailing behind him, she just knows that he won't be able to give her the end of it.
He notices her pull-out couch and the unorganized half of her living room that Finn occupies and doesn't hesitate to tell her what he thinks about her living with Finn when she walks inside her apartment.
It's fine, really. Maybe she deserves to be yelled at and to be told that she's ruining herself by letting someone who didn't give two shits about her once live with her.
She's crying when there's a knock on the door. At first she thinks that it's Kurt again; having forgotten something or coming back just he can give her another piece of his mind on the matter.
She gets up anyway; knowing that she has to answer the door no matter what.
It doesn't cross her mind that it's Finn, returning from the lobby of her apartment.
"Oh," she says, fighting back her tears and sniffling slightly. "I, um, I didn't think it would be you, Finn," she says, letting him walk past her into the living room. "Here." She gestures a hand out to the living room and sighs deeply, hoping that he doesn't notice her crying.
He walks in and turns over his shoulder to look at her, neither of them saying much. She thinks that maybe it's because he isn't accustomed to saying anything about his cancer, or something else regarding their visit to the doctor's office.
"Have you been crying, Rach?"
She turns over her shoulder to look at him and sniffles, sighing deeply. "No," she says, trying to collect herself as best as possible. "I just – Kurt lit a candle while he was here, and I think I'm allergic to it, and I-"
She stops, watching as he walks up to her. His hand brushes hers and tries to take it in his own, and she lets him. Normally she wouldn't, but she's been letting herself do some pretty crazy things lately. She's sure that letting Finn hold her hand won't make her start to melt or spontaneously combust, or anything like that.
"Hey," he says, his voice soft. She tips her head up to look at him and bites down on her bottom lip, hoping that her tears will stop. He doesn't deserve to see her like this. "Everything's going to be alright, Rachel, okay?" She nods gently and lets her eyes fall shut, her head accidentally resting against his shoulder. "I mean, the doctors have always told me that I have a really good chance at beating this, and-"
"It's not that," she says, her words interrupting him. "I mean, it is, but it's… it's Kurt, and you, and everything else, and I just… I don't want to ruin anything right now, and I…" Her voice trails off and she starts to cry into his shoulder, hands coming up and grabbing little fistfuls of his shirt in her palms. She feels Finn's hand on her back and continues to cry, not trying to be quiet or contain herself any longer.
The way she sees things, it shouldn't matter anymore. Finn's seen her at her best and he's seen her at her worst, and she shouldn't care about him seeing her cry. She's a big enough mess already, anyway.
She looks up from him after a while and rubs her eyes; now red and rimmed with mascara. "I'm sure you're used to seeing me like this," she tells him, laughing bitterly at herself. "A big, crying wreck." She watches him as he shakes his head, but ignores it.
"No," Finn tells her, his voice quiet. They've both brought their voices down to whispers even though they're the only ones in her small apartment. "Rachel, you can't think like that," he tells her. "You've always been the strongest, most independent girl in the entire world. Just because you start crying doesn't mean you're weak, or whatever."
She shakes her head and pinches her eyes shut, unable to look at him.
"My mom always used to tell me that people who cried were the strongest," he tells her, moving a hand down to her cheek so he can pull her face up to look at her. "So, see, you're strong, Rachel. You've just got to let yourself believe it."
Rachel looks at him and whimpers, her bottom lip trembling slightly. She doesn't know what to say to him or about him anymore; it's like everything he does summarizes everything she wants to say. She doesn't know why he's changed or if it's on purpose or accident, but she knows that she likes him. She wants the best for him and doesn't want him to be taken away from her any time soon.
"Thanks," she tells him, moving her hands up on his shoulders. "I… I needed that."
He smiles dumbly and she wraps her arms around him again, squeezing him in a tight embrace.
She likes hugging him. She doesn't know why, but it feels better than she's ever felt before when she's in his arms.
His arms feel like home, and she's afraid to admit it to herself.
:.:.:
She's finishing up her nightly regimen that night when he comes in to brush his teeth. Normally, she wouldn't allow such a thing, but she makes an exception for the night.
It doesn't have to do with the fact that he has cancer now, or whatever, but she knows deep down that it does.
He looks at her and smiles, causing her to smile to herself; tipping her head down and blushing slightly. She pulls her hair from the knot that it's in on top of her head and her dark hair falls down her shoulders and back, hands moving up to shake it out as Finn continues to brush his teeth.
On her way out of the bathroom, she pokes her head past the doorframe and smiles at him.
"You called me 'Rach,' you know."
She watches as he looks confused for a moment and then starts to blush; looking just as embarrassed as she had been moments earlier.
He spits into the sink and arches an eyebrow at her. "What's so wrong about that?"
"Nothing," she says, looking down at her feet. "It's just… the only people who ever called me that were my dads."
He guffaws like it's nothing, but she continues.
"So?"
"And Sam and my boyfriend in college."
She watches his expression change and she giggles sweetly, walking back up towards him, sporting a grin. "There's nothing wrong with it," she assures him. "I've just… the only people who have ever called me that are people that have cared about me."
She watches as the expression on his face changes and her smile softens, approaching him and placing a hand against his broad back.
They look at one another through the mirror, both sporting small, shy smiles that they know are because of one another.
"I care about you, Rachel," he tells her, setting his toothbrush down on the counter. "I always have."
She laughs sweetly and drops her hand from his back, retreating across the hallway to her bedroom.
"Good night, Finn."
:.:.:
She feels like there's more tension between them now than ever. It seems like it's working backwards; like she's supposed to feel that much more comfortable around him now that he's bared his soul, so to speak, and she knows everything about him and what he's going through medically and everything. She's vowed to help him through all of that, too. She drives him to chemo appointments so he doesn't have to drive back to her apartment alone and sometimes she buys him ice cream while he's at the hospital – the non-vegan version, which he seems to enjoy much more than her soy strawberry ice cream that she always has in her freezer.
They still walk on pins and needles around one another, however, and she knows why. She's just afraid to admit it to herself.
It's late and Finn's sitting on his bed/her couch, watching something on comedy Central when she gets back from work. There had been conferences tonight, and although not many parents of students in elementary school cared to talk to their child's music teacher, Rachel had still been required to stay, as per the principal of her school.
The majority of her night has been spent catching up on Mad Men on Netflix and organizing her desk (even though it's been organized to the enth-degree already.)
Her feet hurt and her eyes hurt and all she wants to do is lie down on her couch that is no longer her couch, but she feels better when she sees Finn sitting there with the same smile on his face that he greets her with every day she comes home from work. Somehow, he makes everything better for her, no matter what.
"Hey," he says, sitting up slightly on the couch and looking at her with a smile. She tries to respond with a smile, ending up smirking slightly before throwing her purse on the ground by her table where she keeps the fishbowl with her car keys and kicking her shoes off on her way to the kitchen.
Rachel normally isn't this unorganized – but tonight seems to warrant what she's doing.
She hears Finn get off of the couch and follow after her into the kitchen, his feet plodding after hers.
"Hey," he says, his voice sounding more worried than earlier. "Rach, come on."
(He's been calling her Rach ever since that night she had cried in front of him. She's not sure if she actually likes it yet or not.)
She ignores him and turns the radio on in the kitchen, opening the door of the refrigerator and pulling one of the beers that Finn buys for himself out of the side door. She doesn't think he'll mind.
"Will you listen to me?" He asks, raising his voice and beginning to sound frustrated. Rachel pops the cap off of the beer bottle and brings it up to her lips, taking a long swig before setting the bottle down on the counter on her side.
"Quinn came into the school tonight," she says, her voice heavy. "Apparently, she has a kid in kindergarten this year, or something, and I never noticed, or whatever –" She grabs the bottle again and takes another swig of beer. She doesn't think Finn should be too concerned. It's not like she's going to start crying, or anything – now she's just upset.
She watches Finn's face as it goes from confused to upset. "Rachel, you-"
"No, it's fine," she continues, beginning to walk around the kitchen in an angry pace. "I mean, I wasn't expecting her to still be here, you know? Staying here in Lima was totally part of her plan, wasn't it? Getting married to some guy who's 3.5 years older than you and getting a two carat engagement ring before becoming a successful realtor for the neighboring suburb and having a cute little blonde kid that just so happens to get sent to the school I teach at. Isn't that what every eighteen year-old dreams of when they graduate from high school?"
Finn just looks at her, bewildered. She's never gone off on such a tangent with him before. If she weren't so upset and clutching her beer so tightly, she would be afraid that she was scaring him, or something.
But she's not. She's mad and scared and sad and doesn't know if there's a name for an emotion that captures all three of those feelings at the same time, so she just does what she thinks is appropriate for the situation.
"Rachel, I'm sure it was just a coincidence," Finn tells her, opening up the refrigerator and grabbing his own beer. "I mean, I haven't really stayed in touch with Quinn since high school, or anything, so I didn't know." He takes a swig and looks at her, leaning against the counter. "If I had known, I would have said something to you."
"Oh, that's fine," she said, her voice cutting through his. "She made it very clear to me how shocked she was to still see me here, in Lima, Ohio, instead of off in New York or out on the West Coast being an 'extra in a movie,' as she put it." Rachel rolls her eyes and fumes for a moment, continuing to walk around her kitchen and seeming to ignore Finn the longer she goes on for.
"And you know what; screw her for coming into my classroom. She doesn't even have a student of mine, so she has no reason to come into my classroom. She's wasting the time of other parents by trying to show me up with her five-hundred dollar manicure and Abercrombie model of a husband."
"Rachel-"
"She's just stuck in high school, and her husband's no better – some stuck-up freak from Harvard who she met in college who's hobbies include 'rowing and archery'," she says, mimicking Quinn's voice as best as she can.
"Rachel-"
"I swear, if I could go back and give her what was coming to her, I would-"
"Fuck her!" Finn says, raising his voice over Rachel's. It causes her to jump and she looks at him, eyes wide. "Fuck Quinn, and fuck her husband, and fuck her kid, for all I care."
"Finn, I don't think-"
"No, because that's exactly what you're saying," he goes on, looking at her as she stands in the middle of the kitchen, hands on her hips. "I always thought you were the girl who didn't give a fuck about what people said about her," he says, Rachel falling into herself slightly. "You didn't give two shits about what people thought about your clothes, or what you looked like, or your voice, or whatever," he says. "Obviously, I was wrong."
Rachel looks at him, sighing deeply before letting her eyes fall shut. She drums her fingers against her beer bottle, nails clinking against the glass. The dull roar of the radio continues to play on in the background; some indistinct song providing background music for their conversation.
"Look, Finn, I'm sorry," she says, walking towards him, her nylon-wrapped feet padding against the tile of her kitchen floor. "I just… I wasn't expecting her to show up tonight, and I just… I needed someone to vent to." God knew Kurt wasn't willing to listen to her anymore.
He smiles at her sympathetically and walks up to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. For the first time, she doesn't feel uncomfortable when he touches her, and instead she likes it.
"It's fine," he tells her, looking down at her with a smile. She smiles and laughs slightly, taking another sip of her beer before resting her busy had by her side. They laugh with one another for a moment and Finn walks away from her, grabbing his beer again.
"So, what exactly did she say to you?" Finn asks, Rachel returning back to her side of the kitchen. "Like, was it just 'I'm better than you and now you get to see,' or what?"
Rachel rolls her eyes and laughs, tipping her head up to the ceiling. "She said something about how surprising it was that I was still stuck here, teaching elementary schoolers music, and I was like, she's doing the same thing! I mean, not the whole teaching music part, but she's still in Ohio."
She watches as Finn nods and starts up again, not missing a beat. "And there really wasn't anything else after that, just some stupid remark of how great she's doing and how surprised she was that I hadn't gotten my nose fixed yet."
She watches Finn as his mouth hangs open as she takes another swig from her beer.
"She actually said that?" He asks, looking at Rachel with a surprised look on his face. He walks up to her again and she presses her back into the counter, feeling Finn stand in front of her. "Rachel, she's-"
"Horrible," she says, finishing his sentence. Finn laughs and sets his beer down on the counter by her side.
"Yeah," he says, looking down at her with a smile. "Horrible."
They look at one another and Rachel bites down on her bottom lip nervously, tipping her head down and trying to pay more attention to her feet rather than Finn. She feels his hand rest against her waist and her breath catches in her throat, eyes wide as she looks back up at him.
"Finn, I…" Her voice trails off nervously, hands fumbling for something to hold on to. She looks up at him and breathes heavily, feeling Finn move in closer on her as time wears on.
The song on the radio switches and she looks up at him as he starts to laugh.
"What?" She asks, starting to laugh herself. He doesn't move from in front of her and instead holds her closer, fingers accidentally tickling her sides and causing her to giggle. He doesn't respond and she continues laughing, keening up so that she can rest her hands on his shoulders. "What is it?"
"This song," he says, looking down at her with a smile. She stops laughing for a moment to listen to the radio; both of them going silent for a moment to hear the song playing through her kitchen.
Sure enough, it's that one Lumineers song that she vaguely remembers playing in her car the night she was drunk and Finn drove her home.
"Oh, God," she says, shutting her eyes and hanging her head down, still trying to avoid looking at Finn completely. "This was the song I started shout-singing in my car that one night, isn't it?" She looks back up at Finn, who's looking at her with a smile.
"Yeah," he says, Rachel moving underneath his arms so that she's able to stand up straight. His arms are still around her waist and the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that she doesn't mind. "It's just… every time I hear this song, I think of you," he says, smiling at her sweetly.
She rolls her eyes and laughs at him, shaking her head slightly. "Right, because I sounded so horrible-"
"No," he says, looking at her as his voice takes a turn for the serious. "It's because it reminds me of you and… everything you are."
Rachel looks at him and studies his face, carefully trying to find where he's bluffing.
He's not.
"You do, huh?" She giggles nervously and loses her footing as her heart stammers; catching herself against the countertop she's been leaning against.
"Don't worry," Finn says, catching her by the waist as she stumbles. "I've… I've got you."
Rachel looks up into his eyes and feels her throat go dry; licking her lips nervously as she looks back up at him. She cranes her neck up and her lips come close to his, gasping slightly before standing up on her toes to meet him eye to eye (or at least as close as she can come without hurting herself).
"I know you do," she says, her whisper so quiet it's almost impossible to hear. "Because I've got you too."
She leans in to kiss him and he reciprocates, their lips meeting one another in a hurry. Rachel whimpers softly and looks at him, feeling his arms around her waist.
They don't say much after that. She's perfectly fine with kissing him in the corner of her kitchen for the time being – which is what they do; Finn's hands free to slide up the side of her skirt and her fingers scraping down his chest. She doesn't even realize how long they've just been standing there, kissing one another, the radio playing on in the background.
And when the song ends, she knows that she and Finn Hudson have a song together.
And the more the thought marinates in her brain, the more she doesn't care.