Graduation came upon them a lot sooner than he had expected. It was like everything had wrapped up in an instant and April and May sped by as fast as they could, not bothering to wait for anyone in their wake. The only subject of conversation in Finn's house was how excited his mother was that he was finally graduating and how thrilled she was that he had finally decided what he was doing with his life once he graduated.
He had ultimately decided on the military. It seemed like it was the perfect solution; no need for excellent grades in high school (which he didn't have, even though he put forth a solid effort most of the time), didn't cost thousands of dollars in tuition, and he was doing his civic duty, or whatever. Serving his country and all that.
Besides, girls liked men in uniforms, or whatever. Maybe joining the army would help his ability to actually find girls who weren't borderline psychotic to date and spend his time with.
Prom came and went. Finn ended up spending the night with his cousin, ordering a pizza and playing Call of Duty in his basement. His mom had taken up a late shift and they were left home alone to their own devices – although Finn knew most of his time would be spent in front of the television set.
His cousin, Benji, was a freshman in high school. While he didn't go to the same school as Finn, the two had grown up practically attached at the hip. While Finn didn't exactly like babysitting him, they had the occasional conversation that he enjoyed. He wasn't a horrible cousin, after all.
"So why didn't you go to prom?" Ben asked, shaking his hair from his eyes. Even though the haircut was somewhat passé, Benji insisted on having hair hang into his eyes and flip up around the sides of his face. He continued to stare up at the television screen sitting on the entertainment center, fingers aggressively pressing buttons on his video game controller. "Isn't prom supposed to be like, a really big deal or something?"
Finn laughed and looked down at Benji for a second, trying his best to pay attention to both him and the television screen at the same time. "I don't know," he said, shrugging slightly. He leans to the side slightly and tries to shoot at one of Benji's men, taking him out completely. Even if Benji was his cousin, it wasn't like Finn was going to go easy on him just because he was younger than him. "I mean, prom's not that big of a deal, Ben. You'll figure that out when you get to high school."
Benji used his controller to pause the game and threw it down on the ground, looking down at Finn as he got up to get a can of soda from the counter in the back of the basement. "Yeah, right," he said, wiping his hands off on his shorts. "When Katie went to prom, it was this big deal." Katie was Benji's older sister and Finn's older cousin. "What, is it different for guys or something?"
"Yeah," Finn said, trying to find his escape of the conversation in what Benji was saying. "I mean, it's cool, I guess. I went last year and had a pretty good time." He decided not to tell Benji all about the situation with Rachel the year before. Better not to revisit the memories he had tried so hard to suppress for a year.
"Did you have a date?"
"Yeah," Finn said, watching him as he walked back to the couch with another can of Coke. "You remember my girlfriend last year, Quinn?"
Benji nodded as he started to pop the tab on her soda. "Oh, the blonde one?" Finn nodded and shrugged slightly as he watched a smug look cross over Benji's face. "You broke up with her, right?"
Finn nodded. "Yeah, man. It just… it didn't work out."
"Good," Benji said, smiling slightly. "I never really liked her when I met her."
Finn looked at Benji and laughed bitterly to himself, thinking it was funny how Benji had expressed his dislike towards Quinn. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that after he broke up with Quinn, more people came out to him and told him about how they didn't like her, or how they didn't like the two of them together. It was assuring, in a way.
"Who was that one girl you went to go see in that play?" Benji asked, taking a sip from his soda. Finn swore that he could feel his heart stop in his chest the moment Benji asked his question. "She was really pretty. And she seemed nice. She was nice to me, anyway."
Finn felt his throat go dry and sighed deeply, looking away from Benji for a moment. He felt ridiculous; like some lonely guy in an 80's romantic comedy. He was definitely Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink – only he wasn't friends with Rachel and she wasn't turning sixteen or whatever. He had never really seen the entire movie.
He shouldn't have felt so strongly about her and what she was turning into. Rachel was becoming an adult; proud and opinionated and smart and beautiful, just like she always had been. The only difference now was that she had someone to support her through all of that.
And much to his dismay, it wasn't him.
"Rachel," he said, his voice quiet. He heard Benji start to laugh and look up at him with a smile. "She's… she's at prom tonight."
"Oh," Benji said, taking another sip from his soda and belching softly. He was still younger and hadn't mastered a full-on belch yet. "She probably likes you."
Finn felt his heart skip a beat and he looked at Benji, rolling his eyes as he tried to force a laugh out awkwardly. "Yeah, right," he said, looking down at his feet and trying to study the pattern on his socks more than the conversation he was having with Benji. "Believe me, Benji, Rachel… she doesn't like me." He sighed and shook his head slightly. "She's better off without me."
He totally didn't mean to sound like some melodramatic high schooler, but he must have – otherwise, Benji wouldn't have reacted in the way he had.
"Come on," the younger boy said, his hair falling in his eyes. "What if, like, she has a big crush on you and you just don't know anything about it?"
Finn rolled his eyes and picked up his controller again. He didn't want to have to tell him anything about his past with Rachel – it was too long and complicated (and probably boring to someone who probably didn't care).
"Look, we had a fight last year, or whatever…" Finn started, looking back down at his feet like he was afraid of the whole mess. "We haven't had a real conversation in a long time."
Benji looked at him, not bothering to say anything.
"If I could ever make it up to her, though, I would," Finn said, now practically talking to himself instead of his cousin. "One day, I'll find the chance to make everything right with her again."
"I hope you do," Benji said, scrunching his nose up on his freckled face, nearly identical to Finn's. "She seems like she's really cool, Finn."
:.:.:
Finn and Rachel had one class together their senior year; English. Finn was somewhat decent at English, but he quickly learned at the beginning of their senior year that Rachel was phenomenal in the subject.
It wasn't like she was bad at anything school-related, though.
Actually, Finn thought it was impossible for Rachel to be bad at anything.
She walked into class the Monday after prom and bothered to smile at him as she sat down at her desk – conveniently placed directly in front of him. It was like his teachers wanted to make that year the most difficult as possible for him.
"How was prom?" Finn asked her as the final bell rung and their teacher walked to the front of the class, the whiteboard marker squeaking against the board as they wrote something for the class to read.
He regretted saying what he had the moment she turned around to look at him, eyes wide and her lips turned up into a smile.
"It was nice," she said, Finn noticing how she started to play with the hem of her skirt nervously. "Sam and I had a very nice time, too, if that's what you're asking."
Finn just looked at her and felt his throat go dry. He really didn't want to hear her go off about how great of a time she had with Sam, or whatever. He already knew about that, whether she wanted to keep it a secret or not. He was a guy, and guys talked with one another. He wouldn't tell anyone else about it, of course, because he knew it would make her upset and was the wrong thing to do, but he knew. Whether or not she said anything about it, he knew.
"You weren't on the prom planning committee again this year, were you?" He asked, hoping to steer the subject in a different direction than the one it was heading in.
"No," she said, blinking and tossing her hair over her shoulder. "I think I was too much of a hazard to have back up on that stage again." She laughed bitterly and Finn wanted to laugh along with her, but he decided that it would be rude. "They did allow me to add my creative input, however," she said, laughing slightly to herself, a real smile spreading across her face. "The theme this year was my idea."
"What was the theme?"
She laughed and tipped her head down, batting her eyelashes before looking up at him. "A New York Night on Broadway."
Finn looked at her and started laughing, watching as she started to laugh at what she had said. "That's… well, that has you written all over it."
She nodded and laughed, looking at him with a smile.
Her laugh was perfect.
"Miss Berry, Mister Hudson," the teacher's voice echoed from the front of the classroom. Finn watched as Rachel turned around in her desk, banging her knee against the side of her chair.
"Sorry," she said, her voice soft. Finn watched as she moved a hand down to touch her knee that she had hurt moments earlier. The two of them faced the front of the classroom and Finn tried his best to listen to the lecture about The Great Gatsby, but he was too busy watching Rachel as she seemed to fall into herself, embarrassed that she had been called out in front of the entire class.
"Hey, I just wanted to say, that sounded like a really cool prom theme," he whispered, tapping her on the shoulder as he leaned up to talk to her.
But there was no use. Rachel didn't bother to turn around in her desk to look at him, or throw a smile in his direction, or even acknowledge that he had spoken to her.
Instead, she just continued to stare at the whiteboard ahead of them, jotting down notes in her notebook occasionally when she saw fit.
:.:.:
"So, was it worth it?" Finn had been sitting in Puck's basement the following weekend, Santana propped up on his lap. They hadn't become anything serious (and never would), but Santana had started spending more time with Puck simply because she could.
That, and apparently she had gotten sick of spending time with Quinn.
Santana eyed Sam and started smiling to herself. "There wasn't like, a gnome protecting it or whatever, was there?" She started snickering to herself and Puck followed, Finn looking down in his lap. He didn't really want to be there, in Puck's basement and drinking stale beer, talking about whatever had happened on prom night.
Sam just laughed and Finn tipped his head up to look at him. "I don't think it would be the right thing to talk about that, Santana," he said, looking like he was actually being serious and wanted to stay true to his word.
Good, Finn thought, playing with the pull tab on his beer can. Maybe I won't have to hear about whatever details he has to spare about whatever happened on prom night.
"Yeah, right," the girl said, rolling her eyes. "You can't sit here and lie to me and tell me that you haven't told Puck about you popping Berry's cherry." Finn coughed awkwardly and Puck laughed as Santana crossed her arms across her chest. "I mean, I can understand not telling Finn, but-"
"Why wouldn't he tell me?"
"Because you like her," Santana said, sneering in Finn's direction. "If Sam said one thing about whatever he did with her the other night, you would just end up spraying your shorts and leaving. Besides, you're too much of a 'gentleman,' or whatever. You would just pretend not to want to hear it or something."
Finn looked over at Santana, his mouth hanging open slightly. He didn't know what to say to Santana in response; knowing that she would just snap back at him with some sharp retort.
That, and he really didn't want to say anything to her. He didn't understand why she was even there in the first place – Finn was positive that Santana hated him and Rachel and he still couldn't wrap his head around why Puck liked to spend so much time with her when she wasn't willing to sleep with him at the drop of a hat.
"You don't need to bring me into their relationship, Santana," Finn said, her voice still sounding nervous despite his want to sound like he was confident. "If you haven't noticed, Sam's sitting right there."
Santana rolled her eyes and got up off of Puck's lap, grabbing her purse and walking towards the stairs of the basement. "Whatever," she sneered, tossing her hair over her shoulder. She made her way up the stairs and the door slammed behind her, the three boys in the basement jumping slightly as the walls rattled.
"Jeez," Puck said, taking a sip of his beer as he looked at Finn. "I don't think anyone's gotten her to shut up that fast… ever."
Finn rolled his eyes and sighed, pinching his empty beer can with his hand. He didn't want to think about Rachel or his relationship with Rachel, or anything concerning her anymore.
If he could just wrap up his senior year and not have to worry about Rachel anymore, he would be fine. He wouldn't necessarily be happy, but he would be fine in the long run.
:.:.:
Graduation wasn't as big of a deal as he thought it would be. It was outside on the football field; a large stage set up with a podium and the principals and teachers seated in front of all of the rows of students down on the field, all sitting with smiles as they waited to walk up on the stage and accept their diplomas. Finn always thought it would be like a big, momentous occasion, but it ended up being the exact opposite.
He didn't end up sitting next to anyone in particular; his last name wasn't close to anyone in his graduation class that he would have wanted to sit next to. When it was time for him to get his diploma, he got up and walked across the stage, smiling as he could hear his mom in the audience, cheering and smiling and probably trying to take as many pictures of him as possible.
He only ended up seeing Rachel after the ceremony, talking with Kurt and taking a picture with him before leaving.
She wasn't supposed to matter to him anymore, anyway. They were supposed to graduate and move on with their lives, going wherever life took them and hoping that they never crossed paths again.
Of course, that was only what they were supposed to do.
:.:.:
Rachel's graduation party was almost exactly how he thought it was going to be. Her backyard was decorated with pink and gold streamers, Christmas lights strung up on her porch and twinkling once the sun had started to go down. People were there from every walk of her life; all smiling and happy to be congratulating the lucky graduate as she twirled past them.
Finn had only gotten the chance to see Rachel, not to talk to her. She was wearing a cotton candy pink dress that swung around her legs when she walked, her hair pulled back into a messy side braid that fell down her shoulder.
She was barefoot, he noticed, her toenails painted a bright pink that coordinated with her dress. Even though he had never been close to her, Finn never took Rachel as someone who would be alright running around their backyard barefoot.
He and Sam sat down on a bench by a table full of cupcakes, each one iced with pink frosting. They sat under a canopy even though the sun had gone down, the Christmas lights around the porch and occasional burning tiki torch staked in the ground providing them with enough light to see one another.
They were both nursing pink lemonades, which seemed to be Rachel's signature drink for the evening if she were supposed to have one.
"Sorry I tagged along," Finn said, wiping his hands off on his shorts. "I mean, you know, she's your girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she hates me, and-"
"It's fine," Sam said with a laugh. "I mean, it's her grad party. Aren't we kind of all supposed to go to everyone's?" Finn laughed nervously and was relieved that Sam had agreed to let him go with him. He knew that if he had gone to her grad party by himself, he would have felt like an awkward idiot.
Too bad, because he still felt like an awkward idiot.
Before he was able to think over the bad decision he had made, however, Rachel was walking up to the both of them, a toothy grin stuck to her face.
"Hi," she said to Sam, prompting him to stand up in front of her. She giggled and stood up on her toes to press a kiss to his lips, not seeming to notice Finn sitting directly in front of her.
He couldn't really blame her for ignoring him. He probably looked like a complete moron.
"Hey," Sam said, hands running down her sides. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a purple envelop, handing it to her. "Congratulations," he said, Rachel laughing and resting her hands against his chest.
"Congratulations to you too," she said sweetly, giggling again. Her laugh played on a musical scale; filling her large backyard even though she seemed like she was trying to stay quiet as long as she was talking to Sam. "You know that you didn't need to get me anything."
"I know," Sam said, continuing to stare at her. "And I didn't, I just got you a card. My parents wanted to sign it and everything."
She started to blush and kissed him again, this time longer than the last. Finn could tell that she was trying to be discreet about the kisses she gave him (probably because her parents were a few feet away), spending more time laughing at what they were doing than being affectionate with him.
"I'll be right back," Sam told her, grabbing her hand before walking away and giving it a squeeze. "I need to use the bathroom."
Finn watched as Rachel murmured a quiet 'ok' as he ran off, waving at him with a dumb look on her face. He took a sip of his lemonade and watched as she turned around to look at him, her skirt coming up around her legs slightly.
"Hi, Finn," she seemed to manage. He mustered up a smile and took a moment to look at her – not leer at her, but actually take in the image of her standing in front of him, wide eyes and a strawberry smile and long legs despite her petite frame – which he still couldn't wrap his head around. "You look… really nice."
He snapped out of his daze and blinked a few times, looking back up at her so she could speak to him without feeling like he was completely gone.
(He was only halfway gone, really.)
"I'm wearing a t shirt and shorts, Rachel," he said, laughing slightly. He wanted to compliment her on her dress or how her hair made her look like she was a mermaid (would that end up sounding weird?) or how he thought it was cute how she had decided not to wear any shoes, but he didn't say anything.
"Well, you look nice," she told him, walking over to the part of the bench where Sam had been sitting earlier. She tucked the skirt of her dress under her legs and sat down next to him, staring down into her lap adamantly. There was a long silence between them; neither of them being able to find the courage to say what they wanted to to the other.
Finn had thought of something truly great to say to her when she had started up instead, which caused him to breathe a sigh of relief. If anyone were to be ready to start the conversation, it would have been Rachel.
"So, um, what are your plans for college?" She asked him, tugging at the hem of her dress. "You're going to play football, aren't you?"
"Not exactly," he told her, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Um, I was hoping to get a football scholarship, but, you know, even since Sam took over as quarterback, the college scouts didn't pay too much attention to me, and my grades weren't the best, and-"
"Oh, Finn," she said, her voice oozing with sympathy for him. "I'm so sorry. That must be so difficult." She tipped her head up to look at him, trying her best to smile for him. "You're still going to school though, aren't you?"
"The military, actually," he told her, sighing. A small part of him wanted her to swoon over the fact that he was going to be in the army, or whatever, because girls were supposed to like men in uniforms according to Puck, or whatever. "But, you know, it'll be cool. I get to learn how to use a gun and wear a uniform."
She looked up at him with wide eyes, like she was afraid of him. "Well, I just hope you're safe," she said. Finn wasn't sure why she seemed so worried about him all of a sudden. "I mean, you know, being a soldier is dangerous, isn't it?"
Finn laughed as she looked up at him, eyes wide. She didn't seem like she was mad at him anymore (or least not as mad as she once had been), and it caused him to want to talk to her and have a real conversation with her again after what had almost been a year, but he couldn't. There was always the chance that she was going to be just as upset as she was a year ago at prom.
"What are you doing with your life now, though?" He asked her, watching as she looked back out into the yard. Most of her friends had left by then; leaving only the friends of her dads that seemed to be all enjoying themselves without the girl the party was being thrown for in the first place. "I mean, you're going to be all famous and stuff in a year, right?" He laughed and felt more relaxed as he loosened up around her.
Right there would be where he would throw in something like 'make sure to remember me when you're out in Hollywood, okay?', but he didn't think that they had patched up their relationship yet in order for him to ask her that.
"I'm staying here, actually," she said, her voice smaller and quiet. Finn had a hard time understanding her as she spoke and watched as she kicked her feet out from under her on the bench, swinging her legs idly as she spoke. "University of Ohio, for Music Education."
"Oh," was all he could say, feeling all of the breath leave his stomach the moment he said anything. For as long as he had known Rachel, he always knew her as the girl who was going to leave everything she had in Ohio behind for bigger and better things out in New York, or California, or whatever. She wanted to be on Broadway, and she wanted to sing at places like Carnegie Hall and Madison Square Garden and places people would only dream about performing at.
That was the difference with Rachel. Other people their age dreamed about stuff like that, but Rachel actually seemed like she was going to be able to go the distance and do it. No one else could ever picture her doing anything else with her life; a life committed to the stage and performing seemed to be the only thing in the world that fit her like a glove.
"You didn't want to go to school for theatre?"
She fell silent and started picking at a sliver of wood on the bench, staying tight-lipped for a good minute before Finn could do anything about it. He didn't want to pressure her into saying anything about whatever had happened with her and her college decision – for all he knew, she had always wanted to be a music teacher and she had just never said anything about it. Some people were like that, weren't they?
Of course, he didn't think that Rachel was the type to keep what she wanted in life a secret to everyone around her.
"I did, things just didn't pan out the way I was hoping they would." She turned her head up to look at Finn, eyes wide and her mouth moving a mile a minute as she spoke. Finn still found it hard to actually look at Rachel while she spoke to him; he always felt like his stomach was going to tie itself into too tricky of a knot to untie or his head would start feeling like it was swimming so much that he would drown in his thoughts. "When you want to go to school for theatre, or any kind of profession in the performing arts field, you need to audition," she said, gesticulating broadly and not losing eye contact with Finn as she spoke. "Well, I was ready to audition, and when I got there, it was like I just forgot everything," she said, waving her hands in front of her face like she was painting a picture for him. "I got up there to sing, and I – nothing came out," she said, turning away from Finn again. "I was… I was so scared."
Finn looked down at her and watched as she seemed to distance herself from him again, worrying her dress in her hands. "But Miss Pillsbury told me that I should go to school to be a music teacher, since I like music so much, and then maybe I can teach theatre on the side, or something." She turned back to face him, fear in her eyes. "I just don't want to be stuck doing community theatre for the rest of my life, Finn. I'm better than that."
He wanted to laugh, but he realized that this was a serious matter for Rachel, and she was genuinely afraid of what her future was going to become.
Hey, at least they had something in common.
"You'll be fine, Rachel," he told her, afraid that he would end up saying something wrong. "I mean, you're super smart and pretty and stuff… you'll be really successful with whatever you do."
She wasn't paying attention anymore, however. Sam had come back from the bathroom and was walking up to her again, Finn feeling the need to leave.
She wasn't his to worry about, anyway. Rachel was going to move on to bigger and better things, even if she ended up staying there, at home.
Finn just knew he was never going to see her again.