Chapter Twelve

Present

"Yes, I remember. As a matter of fact you won't let me forget it, you keep bringing it up. But I'll see you Thursday at seven-thirty. Bye." Alice's voice was sultry.

"Seven- thirty it is, Alice. Wear something sexy." He chuckled at her gasp. "Bye." His voice was husky and soft.

Jasper hung up the phone after arranging dinner with Alice. He leaned back against the throw pillows of the couch in his San Diego flat. Just as he'd expected, Alice had had no trouble sealing the deal with Glenn Burnett, she was his ace in the hole. She was also the best architect on staff, and he counted himself shrewd to have hired her.

On the other hand he counted himself as stupid to have lost her to her husband. She had been, beyond any measure, the best match for him, in and out of the bedroom. After she was widowed he gave her time to grieve, he thought a year was sufficient, and then started to pursue her again. At every step she resisted him, he couldn't even begin to count how many times in the last six months he had asked Alice out to dinner only to be turned down.

At first he took it in stride. He realized that it would take a little time for her to see him as more than a friend and boss, but even now, eighteen months after Mike died, Alice still wouldn't meet him outside of work hours. Jasper knew that it wasn't grief that was preventing her from meeting him, the truth is Alice did not want to see him on a more personal level. She was making it clear to him that they were coworkers, nothing more.

So today when she agreed to this celebration dinner, was the first time that he'd been given an opening, and he had every intention of taking full advantage of it. He wanted Alice back, back in his arms and back in his life and back in his bed. He'd waited a long time for her and he was now eagerly anticipating starting a new chapter in their lives.

Alice Swan. She made him smile, like no other woman ever had. She could make him laugh and she shocked him. She had the softest, warmest, sexiest body. And she was the most uninhibited lover he'd ever had.

Looking back in time, he was fortunate that their paths had crossed that day by the elevators, another few minutes and they would never have met. He was also lucky that she had flirted with him, because seeing how young she was he would never have pursued her. But once she started there was no way he could have stopped himself, she was sexy and funny and interesting. To him their two month affair had been deeply satisfying, he would look forward to coming home after his business trips, eager to see her; when he was with her he wanted for nothing and no one else. He used to look forward to their passionate afternoons and their even more passionate nights, but he also loved talking to her and holding her. After two months of the best relationship he had ever had, she had called it off. It took him by complete surprise when she told him that she wanted them to be just friends. He didn't expect to miss her so much. He scrambled for a bit, but then decided that she needed time apart, time to miss him and then she would come back. He was dead wrong.

In short order, less than three months after she had dumped him, she had met, fallen in love and gotten married to a handsome young surgeon. That's when it hit him that she had never thought of him in the same way that he had been thinking of her, that's when he realized what he had started to feel for her was love.

After Alice got married, she continued to work for him, and he had no choice but to accept that all he could ever have with her was a professional relationship, but it was hard. She was so obviously happy and so obviously in love, that every time he saw her he felt the knife twist of overwhelming jealousy, it was an actual ache in his chest. He missed her. Missed her. He missed the feel of her in his arms. He missed the smell of her, her breath, her hair and the feel of her warm, soft, sensual body. He missed her husky voice whispering in his ear, urging him on as they made love. But surprisingly, what he missed most was her laughter, and the way she would tease him with her words and her body.

The weeks after her wedding were the hardest. Jasper came to dread hearing anything personal about Alice and Mike. After her marriage, Alice and his secretary, Charlotte, became very close. Both recently married, both in the baby making business, they started meeting for lunch almost every day. A few months before, when he and Alice had been having their steamy affair, he would have never have expected it, but after she had married it was not unusual for him to open his office door to speak to his secretary, only to find Alice whispering and laughing with Charlotte. She seemed so different from his Alice, yet so much the same. She seemed open to friendships with the women she worked with and open to everyone but him.

That summer after she married, Alice put in for two weeks unpaid leave and he overheard Charlotte teasing her about her Hawaiian 'procreation vacation'. Alice giggled in reply and said, "The way we've been going at it, it should have happened by now. But this is it, we're ready to make babies. Plenty of dark-haired, dark-eyed babies." She sighed theatrically, and Charlotte laughed and as they talked, he silently closed the door. The ache in his chest had not eased.

#

That summer and fall, Jasper spent a good deal of time traveling. He opened satellite offices in Austin and Denver. He delegated a lot of his duties in San Francisco and spent most of the time meeting with prospective clients. It was a good move for business, the number of projects more than doubled. But that's not why he was gone all the time. He was a man on the run. It was nearly impossible for him to function normally when Alice's marital bliss was so obvious.

It was even harder when word got around the office that Alice was going to have a baby. At that point Jasper was starting to seriously consider moving to Denver permanently. Not only would he be able to avoid seeing Alice, but he would be nearer his ailing father. His father was nearing eighty and in the last stages of Alzheimer's. These days it was hard for his elderly aunt to cope, even with a hired nurse. His aunt was emotionally battered. Jasper and his sister were on the verge of deciding to put their Dad in a nursing home. The only reason they hadn't done so is that they wanted to comply with the old man's desire to die in his beloved Rocky Mountain home; the home that he and his wife had retreated to for many summers before she had succumbed to breast cancer just one year after they retired.

Jasper knew that if he moved to Denver he would be able to see his father at least twice a week, and that would ease his guilt about having to put him in the nursing home. The other bonus would be that he would be able to start a new life in a new place without constantly seeing, hearing and thinking about Alice.

He remembered the day, like it was yesterday. It was a few days after Thanksgiving and he was at Ontario airport, awaiting the flight that would take him to close the deal on a condo in Denver, when Charlotte called him with shocking news. Mike, Alice's husband, who was on a medical humanitarian mission in northern Pakistan, was dead. A suicide bomber had barreled his taxi into a hotel in Peshawar, half the hotel had collapsed crushing many of the guests. Alice's husband had been asleep in that hotel when he died.

Bella was driving Alice to the airport when she had collapsed. Shock and grief led to her miscarrying her baby. An ambulance had taken her to the Saint Francis Medical Center. Jasper immediately cancelled his appointment in Denver and took the next available flight to SFO.

#

Jasper walked into the hospital, eager to see Alice. He had to make sure she knew that he was there for her, to give her anything she needed. The nurse at the station pointed to the hallway and told him the room number, "Down this hallway, make a left and then a sharp right after the double doors. Room 2532. She should be waking soon."

The doctor was in with Alice and he saw Bella pacing outside the room; once she saw a familiar face she collapsed into his arms crying and struggling with exhaustion and sadness. She was grieving for Alice, Mike, and the baby; she was stressed beyond breaking point. Crying into his shoulder she told him what he already knew from Charlotte, but she went into more detail. Apparently she and Alice were checking into the airport having gotten a flight to Mumbai, where they would meet up with Mike's parents, when Alice started to feel cramping. Minutes later she was bleeding and nearly unconscious, and Bella had to deal with airport security and the TSA as well as the medical personel at the airport. The trauma had taken its toll on her and she was near breaking point. Jasper convinced her that she needed to get a good night's sleep, promising that he would stay with Alice throughout the night. Finally she allowed him to call a taxi and she went home.

When he saw Alice lying in the hospital bed, he drew a deep sharp breath. It was Alice, but not Alice. She looked like a pale shadow of what she should look like. The dark shadows under her closed eyelashes, her skin although still beautifully golden was pale and bloodless underneath. he dragged a chair next to her bed and held her hand gently in his. As he sat there staring at her, she started to awaken. And he heard her whimper and start crying. "Are you in pain? Do you want me to call the nurse?" He asked her urgently.

She opened her green eyes and there was so much pain in them that he almost cried. "Jasper? What are you doing here?"

"Bella called Charlotte and explained what happened. I had to come and see you." He explained simply.

"Where is Bella?" she asked in a near whisper. Her eyes looked around searching the room for her sister.

"She went home to shower and sleep. She wanted to stay with you, but she was really tired. She needed the break."

She nodded, "I know. She's been here all last night and all today." Her voice drifted and it ended in a hiccupping sob.

"I'm so, so sorry Alice." He squeezed her hand that lay limply on the sheet that covered her from the waist down.

"Jasper, oh, Jasper." Her face crumpled and the tears came streaming from her eyes. "Mike is gone. Gone. Forever. Do you realize that? I have no one. I have nothing, n..n.. nothing at all. Everyone I had is gone. Everyone I loved is gone, Jasper. Just gone." And her body was wracked with deep sobs.

Her cry was the most heartbreaking sound he had ever heard, each sob was ripped from her throat, her pain indescribable, terrible and haunting. She was so beautifully sad and fragile, not his feisty Alice, but a lovely, little, broken bird. He couldn't fight the urge and he laid himself next to her in the narrow bed, holding her tight, as tight as he could to protect her from the world that had turned so cruelly on her. He stroked her hair and comforted her as though she was a child.

Many minutes later she lay quiet in his arms, save for the occasional deep drag for air. She started talking again, not so much to him but to herself. "You know, if I believed in God, I would end it now. I would take every pill they've given me and swallow them all at once. If I believed in God, I would end it so that I could be with Mike forever and ever." The tears seeped from under her closed eyelids. "But I don't believe in God at all. How could a god take the most perfect human being away. How could a god take my little baby from my body, the only thing I had left of Mike." Alice started to sob again. "Jasper, how could there be a god who would do such bad things?"

What could he say to comfort her? He had trouble understanding it himself. Strong, young Mike, just married a few months and now he was dead, killed in a random terrorist bombing, thousands of miles from his home. Mike who yesterday had everything to live for, a new wife and a baby on the way, was dead.

"I don't know what to say, Alice. I just don't." he whispered, at a loss for words.

She looked up at him, her green eyes again filling with tears. "It's not right, it's not fair Jasper. He was smart and good. Think of all the children he could have helped, the lives he could have saved. He was someone who could do a world of good. Now he's dead and gone." Alice clenched her fists and bit her knuckles. "Do those fucking bastards know what they did? In the name of god they do evil, evil. And the sad part is that they don't have heart enough to care. I hate them, I hate them. I fucking hate them with all my heart." And she broke into wild sobs again. Then the sobs turned into screams of agony. She wailed for Mike and for their baby. Her cries broke his heart, shattered it as though it was made of glass. Shattered it into a million pieces. Jasper rang for the nurse who came in with sedatives. He watched her cry herself to sleep. He waited and watched her all night, even in her dreams an occasional sob escaped.

#

Jasper devoted every minute of the following week to Alice. He and Bella tag teamed so that Alice would never be alone. When she was released from the hospital, it was Jasper who drove her home. Bella made the meals in the evening and he was there every morning, making her tea or coffee and urging her to eat whatever goodies her sister had made, sometimes when she refused to eat he even threatened to feed her.

Once home, Alice had become quiet, introspective. Days went by and she moved around the house like a zombie. She barely spoke, rarely got out of bed and she surrounded herself with as much of Mike's things as she could get her hands on. She dug in the hamper and wore his shirt day and night, refusing to wash it. She stared at the photos of him. She sprinkled his cologne on her pillow. She cried as she ate, she cried as she sat and stared into the backyard. Sometimes she would suddenly bury her face in her hands and weep for long minutes. She cried until her face was chapped and tight. And then she cried some more. Jasper couldn't bear to see her like this but he couldn't bear to leave her either.

The only time Jasper let Alice out of his sight for any length of time was when she and Bella flew to Louisiana for Mike's memorial service. It wasn't his choice not to attend, but he understood how awkward it would be for Alice if he had shown up. While she was gone he worried that she wasn't taking care of herself and crying too much. He called Bella and asked her how it was going, Bella said that Alice was holding up fine.

When Alice returned from Louisiana he noticed a marked difference in her behavior. She didn't cry as often, she threw herself into starting a scholarship fund at her husband's alma mater. It seemed to give her focus. A few weeks later she flew to Pakistan and visited the orphanage with her mother-in-law, it seemed to give her closure, to go where he lived his last day. The D'Souza family donated more than a hundred thousand dollars and it was renamed in honor of their son, the Mike D'Souza Children's Orphanage and School. Alice personally donated thousands to the catholic charity that ran it.

#

Alice returned to work after three months and there was a renewed purpose and zeal in the way she attacked each project. Jasper had given her the lead on several big projects and she nailed all of them, earning promotion after promotion which, Jasper knew, did not endear her to some of the architects who had been there much longer. But none of them could deny that she was talented and a hard worker. Which is why he had given her the Austin/Burnett project.

Her work was everything, she'd worked so hard in the last year that she had no private life to speak of. Although she was still the same outrageous flirt that she always had been, none of her flirtations led to dates let alone relationships. Jasper knew this because he kept a close watch on Alice and kept in touch with Bella. Bella often expressed concern that Alice was working too hard and was alone too much.

Although Jasper didn't say it to Bella, he was happy to hear it. He knew better than almost anyone that Alice was a very sensual woman and would not be able to go without someone for much longer, so when she agreed to go out with him, he made plans.

That Thursday evening Jasper arrived at her door exactly at seven. Alice was not quite ready and she came to the door in her robe. "Jasper, I thought we said seven-thirty. Are you trying to catch me naked?" She teased.

"Are you naked?" He peered down the neck of her robe lasciviously.

"I'm not saying." She chuckled, as she stepped aside to let him in.

"We did say seven-thirty, but I was ready and didn't want to wait outside in the car for half an hour. I hope you don't mind." Jasper said as he walked into the living room.

"I don't mind, as long as you don't mind waiting in here for half an hour. Beauty can't be rushed, you know." She quipped. "Pour yourself a glass of something, while you wait. Beer and white wine are in the fridge and you can find whiskey and vodka in the cabinet above it."

Jasper got a whiff of her perfume as she turned and went into her bedroom. He was tempted to follow her, but realized he had to stick to his game plan. He poured himself some wine and turned on the stereo. The sensuous strains of Stan Getz filled the living room.

Alice came out in fifteen minutes. She was wearing a slip dress made of deep red silk jersey. The hem and neckline were embroidered with teal roses and lime green leaves. Jasper had never seen her looking sexier. "You look lovely, as always, Alice."

"Thanks, Jasper." And she held out her matching red georgette wrap for him to help her into.

At the restaurant they ordered white wine to go with their Canard a lorange with glazed turnips and talked about the project in Austin as they waited for their entree.

"Burnett really was impressed with you, you know. He's going to want to see you often as the job moves forward. He's the kind of guy who wants to meet with the person in charge, so you'll have to travel back and forth a lot over the next two years."

"That's okay with me, Jasper. As a matter of fact this kind of fits in with something I wanted to discuss with you. Unlike most of the other architects I don't have family commitments and children, so I would like to take on projects outside the Bay Area. I would like to make a proposition. I see myself as the project manager for Austin and Denver. In essence doing for those two offices what Maria does for our local projects. Assigning and overseeing."

"I have been thinking of hiring a project manager but I was thinking of offering Harry C. the job. He's done that sort of thing before and he's very good at assigning the right job to the right people. He is also no wimp when it comes demanding performance. He is very good with clients, good at calming them when things are a little hairy. The only problem is that Harry may not want to travel, he has two kids and a wife who is a trial lawyer and has a demanding career of her own." He paused. "I think he would be the best person for the job, so I'd like to offer him the opportunity. If he turns it down, then you would be one of two others that I would consider. I hope you understand."

"I can't say that I'm not disappointed. I think I'm just as good as Harry, but it is your decision." Alice took a deep breath and continued. "Either way though, I've decided I can't work with Maria anymore. She is a giant pain in my ass and a bitch, she can't stand me, and I can't stand her. She is of no help to me, she is not the least bit supportive and I have no intention of continuing the way it has been going. If I have to continue working with her, I'm quitting. " Alice took a sip of wine. "Just so you know I have been interviewing at other firms. I haven't accepted an offer, but I intend to if something good comes up."

Jasper nodded, not hiding his disappointment. "As long as you keep to the terms of the contract, I can't stop you. I understand that you have to do what's right for you, so thanks for telling me. But I'm not going to change my mind about offering Harry the job before offering it to you.."

Alice was surprised that he thought she was trying to push him into hiring her. He has trust issues, she thought to herself. She took a calming sip of her wine before responding."Jasper, I wasn't trying to force your hand. I'm just telling you what my intentions are. I have been thinking of moving into residential green designs anyway, and the firms I'm interviewing do just that. It's what I really want to do, anyway. And as I said, if the opportunity arises, I'll take it."

His mouth tightened and then he suddenly asked her, "Why are you always trying to leave me?"

Alice was taken aback. His voice had an edge of frustration and maybe sadness. She had no idea what to say and knitted her brows. "I don't know what you mean?"

"I mean what I said. You always want to push your way out of my life, when I do something you don't like. I think that you have problems when it comes to compromising and reaching an agreement. With you I always feel that I'm facing an ultimatum."

"What? You're making no sense. I'm not obligated to stay at this job and compromise about how I'm treated by my supervisor. Anyone in this situation would want to leave. I think you're the one with the problem. You act as though I should fight to stay even if I'm unhappy. This is a job not a marriage."

Jasper pursed his lips and they said nothing further as they waited for the food to be served.

They ate in near silence, only commenting on the taste of the food. Alice was praying for the time to go by quickly when Jasper asked her, "So your heart is in residential designs. How come you've never said so?"

"I don't think I realized it until a couple months ago. It was what I saw myself doing when I was younger, then after graduation I drifted into commercial designs without really thinking about it. Lately, I've been thinking that I want to get back to designing family homes. The time is right for new and innovative, environmentally friendly designs."

"Well, coincidentally, I have a friend who approached me about designing a home for him. I told him I'd think about it, if you would like to try your hand at it you can get a chance to see if it's what you want. He is very innovative, he wants cutting edge technology and he has a lot of money to spend. The land he has is near the Russian River and it has immense possibilities. I was going to turn it down because I really don't have the time, but I can arrange a meeting and we can work on it together. He wants to use local artists and materials, and he wants something organic, that will fit into the setting. He's thinking, woodsy, natural but luxurious. Interested?"

"Yeah, I am. Just hearing you talk about it is making me excited. Who is this friend?"

"His name is Phil, he is a friend from Penn State. He went into business developing and manufacturing airline parts, made a killing and retired early. Phil is on his fourth divorce and he has a twenty-one year old stepson, whom he adopted when he and his first wife married. He is a good guy, with a good heart that has been broken often. His worst flaw is that he has lousy taste in wives. But, I think you'll like him."

"Man, you really know how to synopsize a person's life in five sentences or less. I wonder what you would say if someone were to ask you about me." Alice mused. When he didn't answer, she asked more directly. "Tell me, what would you say? Pull no punches."

"No."

"Please? I won't be upset, I promise."

"I would say that Alice Swan is smart and gorgeous, and she is, without question, one of the sexiest woman I've known. She is also talented, honest, funny, playful and dedicated to her work. Her one flaw is that she is unwilling to take another chance at life. She lives half a life because she is afraid of love and loss. She lives in the shallow end because the deep end is too scary."

"So that's what you think about me?" she taunted, her eyes flashing. It was obvious that she was upset, even though she had told him not to hold back.

"Yeah. That's what I think." He challenged. "Am I wrong?"

She ignored his question and asked one of her own. "How about you, Jasper? How would you describe yourself in five sentences, hmm?"

"I can't tell you that, it would be too revealing." He smiled cheekily.

"How about if I give it a try? I won't even need five sentences. Ready? Jasper Hale is the perfect man, until you look closely. Then you'll see that he is as hard and as cold as a block of ice."

They stared at each other. "So I guess I must have hit a nerve, huh?" Jasper replied tauntingly.

"No. You don't know me." She retorted.

"Are you saying I'm wrong? You're not afraid of being involved with someone? You live your life to the fullest since Mike died?"

"Yes, you are wrong. I live my life fully. I have friends and I love my sister and my job. So what if I don't date? It's not because I'm afraid of love, Jasper. It's just that I know it won't happen again for me. I'm grateful to have been in love, it was a miracle that I fell in love with a great guy and that he loved me right back. But miracles like that don't happen twice in a lifetime.

And it's not that I'm afraid, Jasper, it's that I've changed. I don't even think I know the person I was back then, I'm different. Mike took me and he held me by his side, and he showed me a glimpse of heaven. He showed me how wonderful this lonely little life could be when you go through the world side by side with your other half. Now that my other half is gone, I'm standing all alone, but I'm still taken. I belong to him." A tear trembled on her lower lash and she brushed it away.

"I realize now why my mom was alone for all those years. I didn't understand then, but I do now. Once you've made love with the one who was meant for you, no one else feels right. They are all just pale substitutes, like shadows on a wall." She took a deep trembling breath. "I don't want to be with anyone else, ever again. It would be empty and meaningless. I have my memories of Mike and that's what will keep me. That's all I need."

Jasper was moved, but not to sadness, to fury. "You're twenty-six, for God's sake. You can't just shut that part of your life off. Maybe your mother could, but not you. Much as you want to dismiss it, your sexuality is a big part of who you are. You're going to have to indulge it and when you do, it will be with me."

Alice was stunned. "You're nuts, you know that? I would never, ever sleep with you again. I learned my lesson the first time."

"What do you mean? What lesson?"

She twirled her wineglass, looking pensive. "I told you at the time, but I guess you just weren't listening. It was empty, unsatisfactory. Just the verb.

"What?" Jasper was puzzled.

Alice leaned across the table and hissed out. "Fucking. The verb is fucking. We were fucking." She leaned back. "And to tell you the truth, it became sad."

Jasper was taken aback. How could Alice be so clueless. "You're wrong. It was never like that."

She snorted and took a sip of wine. "Don't you remember, Jasper. You told me, 'I don't do love'. That said it all. You're a booty call, a no emotion, no commitment kind of guy. I was just another in a long line of "Sue"s."

Another Sue? Was she crazy? He wanted to correct her but didn't. He was going to get her anyway he could. "Well that should make me perfect for you. You just told me that you won't fall in love again. So, why not make the most of what we can have?"

"No."

"Why not? Afraid?"

"No. I'm just not interested in sharing my body with you anymore."

"Oh I think I can make you interested. But I'll just bide my time and when you're ready, I'll be here."

"Don't wait for me Jasper. You'll be waiting forever."

"Oh, I don't think so. I'd even bet on it. I give your celibacy, another six months, max." He smirked.

Alice was sipping her wine again and the urge to laugh was so strong that she almost gushed a mouthful of wine onto the tablecloth, she only just managed to swallow it. She gasped out, "You're outrageous, do you know that? And you're far too cocky and sure of yourself. What kind of man are you? What kind of man would dare a widow into a sleazy, 'no commitment' affair and make a wager on it?"

"I'm that sure of you. You want me. You don't want to want me, but you do. You lay awake at night and you wonder what if. The only thing keeping us apart is your guilt. You feel as though you would be betraying Mike, because you still feel married to him. I understand that. But let me give you something to think about. If you were the one to die first, would you have wanted Mike to shut himself off and never look at another woman? Is that the future you would want for him?"

#

Alice lay in bed that night, thinking how right she had been to have cautioned herself when she had made this date with Jasper. She was right to be careful, because Jasper had come fully prepared to persuade her back into his bed. But not in the way she had anticipated. She had been prepared for sweet words and flirting, what she hadn't come prepared for was the direct, 'balls out' approach. He had caught her off guard, the wretch. Now, here she was lying in bed thinking about him, which contrary to what he said, she hadn't been doing before. She was, for the first time in a long time, thinking "what if" about her and Jasper. What if she threw all cares aside and indulged in an affair with him?

But her thoughts of "what if" stopped as soon as she thought of Mike. Mike's sweet face was still so real in her mind's eye. She remembered the last time they'd made love, right here in his big wooden bed. She remembered how slow and gentle he was and how he groaned her name in her ear when he came. She remembered the feel of his body resting on hers. She remembered how afterwards he rubbed her small belly as he suggested names for the baby they both wanted so much.

She remembered the last hug and kiss they shared at the airport. She was now glad that she'd insisted on driving him there and that she'd parked and walked through the terminal with him, rather than just dropping him off as he had wanted. She was glad that she'd kissed him and held him tightly and told him how much she loved him and how happy he had made her. Most of all she was glad that he had told her that he felt like the luckiest man alive. Alice's heart began to squeeze in that old familiar way, and she lay there and let the tears flow.