Chapter Thirteen
Friday morning Alice went to work with red-rimmed, swollen eyes. She had wept for hours and hours until she had finally cried herself to sleep. Even with carefully applied make-up it was still apparent that she'd had a miserable night, thank goodness she had no meetings scheduled. Her choice of clothes that morning reflected her mood, she wore mourning clothes, black slacks and a black ribbed turtleneck, her hair pulled back by a black velvet hair band. Jasper walked into her office, looking only marginally better. He obviously hadn't slept much either.
"Hey." Alice greeted him.
"Hey, yourself. Rough night?"
"Yeah. I haven't had a night so bad in months. I remembered everything about Mike and our last days. I could hear his voice so clearly..." She paused to blink back sudden tears. "The only way I finally fell asleep was by sprinkling Mike's cologne on the pillow and holding tight."
Jasper approached her and rubbed the top of her arms gently. "Sorry."
She shrugged. "It's not your fault. Sometimes it hurts so much to remember him."
"Alice," he asked softly, "have you thought about going to therapy?"
She snorted dismissively. "I have thought about it, Jasper, many times; but what good would it do? I love him and I know he loved me and I'm angry at the world that he was taken away, but nothing, nothing I do will ever bring him back. I don't want to tuck the memory of him away in some therapist's office, I want to feel him. To be honest, I want to feel the pain, I love it. It's like I told Mike, feeling the pain brings fresh memories and that's when I feel closest to him.
"Have you been 'talking to Mike' often?" He eyed her warily.
Alice realized that Jasper thought she was going crazy and giggles started to bubble up. Between gurgles of laughter, she explained. "No. When we were dating I explained to Mike how I enjoyed the pain of remembering my dad who died just before my birthday. He told me that he felt the same way remembering his grandfather. The pain is reassuring in a way."
"Oh." He breathed a sigh of relief. "When you said you were 'talking to Mike' I thought that you meant you were 'talking to Mike' now, in the present tense. I was a little worried."
A loud giggle escaped her throat, followed by another and then another, dispelling her melancholy. "I know. I wish you could have seen the expression on your face. It was obvious that you thought I was a little loony. Well, there's no need for you to worry, Jasper. I'm still sane, just barely." She grinned up at him.
Jasper slid his arms around her back and pulled her close for a tight hug. "That's good, baby, because I've never made love to a nut job before. But I would have had to make an exception for you."
She tried to pull away, but he held her in place in the circle of his arms. "I told you Jasper, it's not going to happen."
He ran his hands down her back to cradle her bottom and pull her closer into his hips. "Oh yes, babe, it's going to happen. Feel how I want you." He shamelessly ground his hips into hers, and kissed up the curve of her neck, whispering his words in her ear. "I want you more than ever. I want to taste you again. I want to bury my flesh in yours until you beg for mercy."
Alice wriggled about, trying harder to escape his hold. Her voice was shaking when she finally got it out, she sounded afraid and unsure. His sudden show of physical strength had caught her unprepared. "Jasper, this is inappropriate behavior for the office. Please, stop it right now."
Jasper's lips continued to drift across her neck, his breath becoming uneven, but the tone of his voice was firm. "No. You never used to mind this kind of thing before."
"As you said, that was before. That was long ago, back when I was someone else. I'm not the same girl, Jasper. Can't you see that?" She was desperately trying to get Jasper to back off so that she could regroup.
He trailed his kisses up her cheek. "I do see that, believe me I do. I see that you're even more gorgeous than before." He kissed her eyelids. "Even with your puffy, red-rimmed eyes, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You're sexier and more desirable now, too." His lips drifted to the other side, where he nipped her earlobe, making her squirm. "You're sadder and wiser, which turns me on like crazy." There was no need for him to tell her, Alice could feel exactly how turned on he was.
She reached up and put her hand on his chest and levered her elbows to push away from him. "Thanks, Jasper. You have sweet words." Then she gently but firmly pulled from his embrace. "And it was a real nice try, but you're still not getting into my panties."
"Oh, I think I'll get in them and I'll even keep them as a memento. Just bear in mind that I'm partial to the red see through ones."
Alice went to sit at her desk, needing to put a few feet of safe space between them. She had no idea what had gotten into Jasper this morning, but he was like a speeding train, barreling down the tracks, not stopping, regardless of who or what was in the way. "I don't wear hooker panties. Who have you been sleeping with lately? Porn stars?" She tried to lighten up the conversation with a little teasing.
He shook his head and smiled a wicked little grin."Let's just say that I've had plenty of time to fantasize about that sweet little body of yours. I'd love to buy some panties for you. Just say the word."
"No." She said. "The word is no." Alice turned serious eyes on him. "All kidding aside, Jasper, I'd like us to get back on a work footing. It's very flattering that you want me, but in all honesty I like what we have together. You're my employer, my mentor, and a good friend. I don't want to jeopardize that. Please let's stick to what we know works."
He came to sit on her desk, facing her. She was tempted to run around to the other side, tempted to keep a great distance between them. "I thought the affair worked very well, don't you remember? We can have that again and this time it can be even better." He suggested huskily.
Alice shook her head. "I mean it Jasper. I don't want that from you. Please let it go." Her green eyes stared at him, begging for him to stop.
Jasper could see that she was nervous, and that thrilled him, he had punctured that calm veneer. "Fine, I'll let it go for now." He got up from the desk and went to sit in the leather armchair and opened his blackberry. "Let's talk work, then. I've asked Charlotte to book you on a flight to Austin in two weeks, on April 18th or 19th . You'll meet with Burnett and start talking to local contractors. Plan to be there for at least ten days, maybe two weeks."
Alice opened her planner. "I have a meeting scheduled for the Monterey job on May 4th, should I push that back a bit or do you think I'll be back by then."
"Don't change it, you should be back, but if not Aleksandr can take that meeting. Also I spoke with my friend Phil, and he would like to meet with you next week Thursday or Friday, if that works for you."
"I can do it on Thursday, but definitely not Friday."
"Okay, we are going to meet him at a hotel in Russian River, then drive out to the site. I'm going to drive up that morning, you can drive up by yourself or I can give you a ride, it's up to you."
Was he kidding? There was no way she would accept a lift from him. A mistake such as that could be costly. "I'll drive myself, that way I can come back on my own schedule, not yours." Alice's tone was clipped.
"Suit yourself." he said, "Actually, I think that's a good idea, because, depending on the weather, I might just decide to stay up there for the weekend."
His weekend plans were none of her business, she thought to herself. She snapped her planner closed after penciling in her appointments and in a business like tone said, "Okay, is that all for now? I have a call to make and a meeting with my team in a few minutes, so if you're done, I'd like to get ready for that."
He smiled, indulgently teasing her, "Oh, Alice. When you're annoyed you tend to be abrupt, do you realize that?"
Alice frowned, puzzled by his remark. "I'm not annoyed, nor was I abrupt, why would you think that?"
Jasper got up and sauntered to the door. "You know wanted me to cajole you into riding up with me. When I didn't push it, you got miffed, didn't you? I'm sorry I didn't play along, but I really would like to get some R and R."
Alice rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, "You're so right, Jasper. You see right through me. I'm playing hard to get, hoping for more of your attention."
He gave her a smirk, "I changed my mind about what I said last night. I give your celibacy another three months, max. I see I'm getting to you." And he strolled out her door.
Alice sat at her desk and thought over the last few crazy minutes with Jasper. Then she had a good laugh, what else could she do? He had certainly brought her out of her funk, so at least he was good for comic relief.
#
The following Thursday Alice drove up to the Russian River in Mike's Mercedes, which she almost never drove. The drive was serene and for most of it she was lost in memories; the last time she had driven up to this area was when she and Mike had driven up for their honeymoon. She talked to him as she drove up, telling him how excited she was to be designing a family house and how eventually she planned to start her own small architectural design company. She told him how she hoped to talk Jasper into lending his name to it and being a partner with her, she hoped to persuade Jasper that Hale's could benefit from having a residential design affiliate. She imagined Mike's supportive response and she thanked him for it.
She pulled into the driveway of the Spa Inn and spied Jasper's porsche. He and Phil were waiting for her on the back deck. Phil Dwyer was a nice guy, he seemed quite a bit older than Jasper, and Alice wondered how on earth they could have possibly been college buddies. Phil explained that he had spent eight years in the air force before he decided to go back to college. He met Jasper in grad school.
They toured the site, which had a run-down clapboard house on it and plenty of overgrown vegetation. Jasper immediately asked Phil to arrange for clearing some of the brush, not only so they could get a better look at the lay of the land, but also to cut down on the fire hazard it presented. Phil agreed to do it at once and Alice started asking Phil more pointed questions about what his vision was. She came away with a feeling that Phil was looking for something masculine and rustic, yet with modern amenities. She immediately had ideas which would capture the redwoods that surrounded the site. She wanted to use plenty of river rocks and glass to let in the light. When they returned to the hotel dining room Alice sketched a few ideas as Phil and Jasper drank and talked. She was just showing them some of her ideas when they were joined by Phil's stepson Dave. He was a good looking kid with short sandy blond hair, sweet light brown eyes.
Phil introduced them. "Alice this is my son Dave. I've convinced Jasper to hire him as an intern. Dave just graduated from UCLA with a degree in psychology and he is trying to figure what to do next."
Alice shook hands with him and he blushed. "So you think you want to try architecture? How does that jive with psychology?
"I don't think it does. But I didn't listen to Dad's advice when I majored in psychology, now I'm stuck with it." He pulled up a chair and sat between Jasper and Alice.
As Phil and Jasper resumed their conversation, she asked him, "I suppose you've ixnayed the idea of social work, or counseling?"
"Yeah. I don't think that's what I want to do. At least not right now. I was hoping to have some hands on experience in a company and then eventually apply to an MBA program."
"Interesting. Well, welcome aboard. I'm sure you'll like working with Jasper."
"I don't think I'll be working too closely with him. Dad's asked him to start me in the mailroom he's a big believer in starting from the ground up."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I started in the mailroom of an architectural firm in New York. You get to know who's who. And when you make it out of there you usually know the company from the ground up."
"Yeah, well. I know beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get.
They talked some more and by the time Alice got back to showing her sketches to Phil and Jasper, Dave was completely smitten. He complimented all her designs and gazed at her as though the sun shone out of her. Jasper and Phil were amused, and could barely hide their smirks.
At six o'clock the meeting came to an end. Phil agreed on another meeting at the beginning of the following month, agreeing that she and Jasper would work out design ideas and they would make a formal presentation. Alice gathered her portfolio, feeling equally excited and exhausted.
They all enjoyed a lovely dinner together at Phil's insistence; Alice chose the shiraz to go with the lamb shanks and it was just the thing to soothe her. By the end of the meal she was wishing that she didn't have the ninety minute drive back to Berkeley. Alice felt envious of Jasper and Phil, they looked so settled and relaxed that she wanted to kick back and look forward to a comfy night at the hotel too. The hotel boasted a full service spa with sauna and massage, and Alice was close to deciding on making use of those services and staying the night when Dave piped up.
"Alice, I was wondering if I could beg a ride into the city. I was intending to stay, but since you're going back, I prefer to get back and do a few errands tomorrow." He flushed, obviously unsure as to how she would answer.
But Alice gratefully latched onto the suggestion. Her slumping shoulders lifted and she felt a little burst of energy. "Sure. I could use the company, it'll keep me awake. To tell the truth, I was a little afraid of heading back alone, I'm really tired. Maybe I could persuade you to do a little driving…?"
"I'll do the entire drive, in exchange for the lift, how's that?" he offered.
"It's a deal." She smiled up at him.
Jasper watched the back and forth, and he was a little on edge and getting antsier. "Alice, can I talk to you for a few minutes before you go?" he turned to Phil, "Scuse us will you? This is about a meeting with another client." Jasper led Alice away from the other two men.
"Alice, I think you should stay here tonight."
"Pardon?"
"I said, stay the night. Here. With me."
"Are you crazy? I'm not staying with you." Suddenly everything became clear and she saw his devious little plan. "So, this was what you planned. This is what you meant by a little "R and R"?
"No, I didn't plan anything. And it was a slip of the tongue when I asked you to stay with me." He reached both hands up to rub her arms and then her shoulders. "But you do look tired and I am worried about you driving all that way back; I don't know how safe a driver this kid is. It's getting dark and I think you should stay here and leave in the morning."
"I can't Jasper. It did cross my mind earlier, because I am tired; but I have things to do tomorrow.
"Things can wait, Alice, nothing is more important than safety. You drove here, put in a full day's work and now you're going to drive back on unfamiliar roads in the dark. It's not safe."
"It's safe enough. It's a highway, for pete's sake, not a dirt road in the backwoods. And, anyway, what I have to do can't wait. Tomorrow is Mike's birthday, and I planned to spend it with Mike's aunt Patty and Bella. We're going to church, and then we're going to his hospital and taking flowers for the nurses and toys for the kids. And I'm donating a flat screen TV for the family waiting room. After that I'm meeting with a real estate agent. There's a possibility that I might be able to buy a six-plex near the hospital. I'm hoping to convert it into a place for patient's families to stay. So, you see, there is no way that "it can wait", Jasper."
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you include me?" he asked her.
She was more than a little surprised at his question. "Why should I have, Jasper? You weren't a part of our lives, you met Mike once. You saw us at my mother's memorial service and you barely said anything but hello."
"What did you expect Alice? That I would introduce myself to your new man and buddy up to him? It would have been awkward for all of us, mostly me. That doesn't mean that I don't want to help you now."
"Jasper, this is for Mike, not you."
"This isn't for Mike and you know it. You're doing this for you, so you can feel useful and connected to him and his world. And that's wonderful, it really is and I'm proud of you. All I'm saying is that I can help, if you like; with donations, with the new building with fund-raising. "
"Thanks Jasper, but no thanks."
"Alice, we're friends aren't we? Why won't you let me in?"
"We are friends, but when it comes to this I really don't want you involved. This is too personal. Plus you've made it clear that you're trying to get into my bed again, so I have to keep a distance. I don't want to give you any reason to believe that there is even the slightest chance that you and I can ever be lovers again."
"I don't need any hints from you to know that we will be lovers again, because I know we will be. And if you think I'm delusional, let that be my problem. But in terms of your charity work, I'd like to be there for you. Just like any friend would be."
"Sorry, no can do, Jasper. It wouldn't feel right."
"So as a friend I can be there for you, excluding anything to do with Mike? Have I got it right?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Why?"
"I told you it's too personal."
"Nope, that's not why. It's because you would feel guilty."
"Maybe that's a part of it too."
"There's no maybe about it. Alice, did you ever tell him about us?" Jasper asked suddenly.
Alice was silent and her gaze dropped from his.
"I knew it! You didn't. And you feel guilty because of it."
"I do feel guilty. I didn't know how to tell him, and then it was too late."
"You didn't tell him because of how you felt about me, how you still feel about me. You still care about me as more than just a friend."
"I never said that." Alice gasped loudly.
"You didn't have to."
"Whatever, Jasper. You'll twist anything, to suit your crazy theories, but that doesn't make it so. It's getting late and I've got to go."
"Running away again, Alice?" he accused her. She pursed her lips and turned to leave, but he held onto her arm. "Just one more thing."
"What?"
"Don't mess with Dave."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I mean. Don't. Mess. With. Dave. Don't flirt, don't lead him on. He's a kid."
"I would never…" she spluttered.
"Yes you would." he insisted.
"No I wouldn't, ever. What kind of woman do you take me for?"
"You're a sexy, flirtatious woman, you can't help it. That's just who you are. But he might take it the wrong way."
"Kiss my ass, Jasper." She gritted out between clenched teeth.
And Alice tore her arm out of his grasp and returned to the table. He had some nerve. Who the hell does he think he is? Questioning my morals, warning me off a kid. As if I would ever.
#
The next week Dave proved to be a little annoying. His first day on the job, he stopped by Alice's office at least five times. By the end of the first week he was stopping by even more often. Jasper was there when Dave poked his head in "just to say hi again" for the hundredth time. After he poked his head back out, Jasper said, "I told you so."
"You told me what? I haven't done a thing to encourage him. Don't be ridiculous."
Jasper shook his head. "Alice, maybe you are not aware of it but even a smile from you can encourage a guy, and you were a lot warmer to Dave than that."
"Well, I was nice to him when we met at the hotel, but I had no idea he would be working here, then. Since then I have only been polite."
Jasper shook his head and tut-tutted which made Alice's blood boil.
"Okay fine, I'll have a talk with him, let him down gently. Maybe take him to lunch." She said.
It was Jasper's turn to boil. "Are you being deliberately obtuse? Don't spend one on one time with him at all. That will only make it worse."
"Well, what do you suggest I do?"
"Make up a boyfriend. Tell him you're seeing someone already." He gave her a sly smile. "Tell him that you're seeing me."
Alice was dumbfounded by his suggestion, and she rolled her eyes dismissively. "That would be priceless. We hid our affair when we were having one, now I'm supposed to broadcast a relationship that we don't even have. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?"
"It was just a thought." Jasper smiled.
"Well it was a very bad one." Alice scowled at him, feeling that he had something up his sleeve.
#
Despite Jasper's warning, Alice did take Dave out to lunch at the sandwich shop down the street. She needed to make it clear to him, without making him feel bad.
"So, Dave, how are you liking the mailroom?"
"It's been okay, but from what I understand I'll only be there for a month, then I'll head to IT." He said as he took a big bite of his falafel.
"I bet you're looking forward to that, huh?" Alice questioned, munching happily on her curried chicken salad sandwich.
"Yeah, I guess so. But to tell you the truth Alice, I'm thinking that I'd like to work more closely with the architects."
"Well, maybe that'll come down the line."
He nodded. "Jasper said that if I show myself to be a hard worker, he'd be willing to take me to a pitch meeting and then to a few sites to see the work in progress."
"Oh really? That was really nice of him to offer."
"Well, I kind of asked him if I could be in on some of the meetings you guys will have about our house. I want to see it from the ground up. Actually I'd like to see how you come up with the ideas and do the 3D models and the computer graphics."
"Well, I can't show you how I come up with the ideas, they just come to me, you know? But I don't mind if you want to sit in on the rest."
"Great, Alice. Thanks a lot, I was hoping that you would say that."
"No problem. Why the interest? Have you always been interested in architecture?"
"Not really. I was thinking of going into real estate, eventually."
"Yeah?"
"Yep."
"So no MBA program?"
"Nope."
"Is that a recent decision?"
"Kinda."
"What brought it on?"
He shrugged. "I want to start on a career, I don't want to go back to school right now. Been there, done that."
"Do you think it's wise to go into real estate now? When the housing market is so soft?"
"Well, you guys are busy, designing and building, it doesn't seem soft to me."
"But this is different. People who approach us have money and a need. Buying and selling existing residential properties is much different."
"Well, maybe by the time I'm licensed the market will be picking back up. I'll have a head start. Plus I like S.F. and I want to stay here. I don't want to go back to SoCal." And he gave her a suggestive look.
Hmmmm. Alice guessed that she had to come right out and say it.
"Dave, maybe you don't know this, but I'm a widow."
"You are?"
"Yes. My husband died a year and a half ago."
"Oh, man. I'm sorry. You don't have a kid, do you?"
Alice swallowed, the lump that suddenly materialized in her throat. It was still painful for her to think about her baby; had things been different, he or she would be turning one soon. She shook her head and softly said, "No." But his question gave her the determination to be straightforward.
"Dave, I don't date, at all. I have no desire to be in another relationship."
"By 'date' what do you mean? You don't even go out to dinner?"
"Well, I brought you out to lunch, so I do. What I meant is I have friends and that's it. If I feel someone is interested in anything more, I tell them no and if they continue, I end the friendship."
"Isn't that a little harsh?"
"Maybe so. But I don't really need the headache."
"So, you're telling me that I don't have a chance."
"Right. We can be friends only."
"Okay."
"Thanks for understanding." She reached over and patted his hand, and they continued to eat in silence.
"You're kinda young to be a widow, aren't you? How did your husband die?"
She swallowed another big lump. "I'll tell you some other time, Dave. I'm sorry but I'm a little emotional today." she answered.
He nodded in understanding. Again they ate in silence for a bit. "So, Alice, do you have a sister?"
She burst out in a loud guffaw, amused at how quickly Dave had moved on. "As a matter of fact I do have a sister. She's a gorgeous belly dancer. And she's a year younger than you." Alice scrolled through her phone and found a picture of Bella, and passed it to Dave. "Here is a good close up."
"Yeah, she looks nice."
"Pssh. Nice? You know she's more than nice." She scrolled through again and found a picture of Bella on the back deck with Chris. "And this is her and her ex."
"Ex, huh? Is she seeing anyone now?"
"Not as far as I know. She's still getting over the break up. They were together for three years."
"So, maybe like you, she's not really interested?"
"Maybe, I haven't asked her. But I can, if you want."
"Yeah, ask her."
And just like that, the problem of Dave was solved.
#
Alice flew to Austin, planning to spend two weeks there. But there were problems. The inspectors found hazardous material on the site and it had to be removed according to the state standards. The clean-up would postpone the groundbreaking by at least a month.
She managed to use the first week in Austin to establish contacts with the construction company and various sub-contractors, but she called Jasper and explained that she should probably return to San Francisco early and come back out to Austin when the clean-up was completed and meet with the inspectors then. Jasper agreed and told her to call Charlotte to schedule her return flight.
On her last night in Austin, Alice met up at the hotel bar with a few of the guys from the construction company and laughed and flirted a lot. She returned to her hotel room and ordered a bottle of merlot, for some reason she felt the need to dull the pain that was just beneath the surface.
That night she dreamt about the foot bridge and the bird nest again. But it was a much scarier dream this time around. She was stuck in the giant nest and she saw Mike above her and she screamed out for him to rescue her, but he couldn't hear her. She knew the bird was coming and she was crying and terrified and calling up to Mike, but he shimmered and morphed into an angel and flew away.
Alice jerked awake, sweating profusely; then suddenly she sat up in her hotel bed. Her first thought was relief that it had only been a dream and then her heart became heavy with sorrow and broke all over again. For the few seconds in her dream, when she had looked up and seen Mike, she had totally forgotten that he was dead. And for a millisecond after she had woken up, she wanted to tap his shoulder and wake him so he could hold her. But he wasn't there. Alice rolled over and cried into her pillow.