Honesty...
Trust...
Mandy Milkovich had come in to drop off the pellet gun as her brother sat silently on his bed. She had given Mickey time over the last few days to come clean to her. She knew what Ian had told her, well told everyone; it was something that she just knew, but convinced herself wasn't true. All the times Ian had to go to the toilet, pop into work to pick up stuff, had to run home to grab his forgotten assignments between classes. She knew that there was someone, someone wrong for him, someone he was ashamed to admit to her.
Honesty is what happened to Ian at the wedding of Mickey Milkovich. Honesty is what happens when your blood has so much alcohol in it, that it is no longer able to stop you doing what you want. To be more clear, it is no longer able to filter out what you're not supposed to want. That day Ian appeared from nowhere with her brother...
"I'm havin a fucking smoke. Is that alright?"
She had been so blind not to see how Ian had changed the moment she had told him about the wedding plans. Why hadn't she wondered why all of a sudden he was best mates with her mental brother? Then at the wedding it became more clear. Ian just sat drinking neat vodka, wasn't looking near her, occasionally looking at her brother. He wouldn't leave the seat to get another drink or even dance with her. Then his brother Lip Gallagher came in, the one person in the world who he would tell everything to, good or bad. Mandy had naively thought that there were 2 people that he could trust, not true. Not even close.
"He did it. Got married to a woman... Try sitting on your ass while the person you love... Sorry the guy you've been fucking gets married to some commie skank..."
That was honesty. For that one moment in time, no matter the consequences, Ian was who he truly was. He spoke his mind, let his feelings come out, not in exchange for love, money, friendship or family, but in exchange for the truth, without reservations. Trust, well trust is putting your faith in the fact that no matter what honesty is that you will get to where you want to go. Trust that what little love you have to offer, that it is not abused or rejected, forgotten or taken for granted.
.
"When did he tell you?" Mickey sounded drained, rejected.
"When are you going to tell me?" Mandy replied to her brother in bitter anger, because of him, her soul mate would leave until whenever. "He never told me, I overheard something at your sham of a wedding; assumed that if it was true you'd tell me. I overheard you trying to get your fucking little kicks just now for fuck sake!" Mandy needed to breathe, couldn't let herself get to near or attached.
"There's nothing to tell, what do I care anyways? If he wants to go, let him go; it aint my decision anyways."
"He gave you the choice of you or yous. He waited for you to speak, just then when I was stood there in the hall. So whats it gonna be?"
"What d'you mean?" Mickey said confusedly.
"Well he told you shit-for-brains when and where he's gonna be." Mandy had had enough of playing goose-ball, "By 6:30 tomorrow morning he'll be gone - I hope you and Svetlana will be happy, I assume she knows about your little situation? Well don't come near me until you can work out what it means!"
It had taken a few minutes before Mickey had decided he needed to move out of his room. He didn't need Gallagher, he had other friends, family, responsibility. Would life be any different without him? Sure work would be a lot more boring, sure he'd have no one to talk to about the value of bottle tops, or action films. He wasn't alone now anyway. He was going to be a dad, he was still wanted, needed. Svetlana might not have been in love with him, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be happy with him. He never knew his mom, she had left when he was little, something that both he and Gallagher had had in common. He sure as hell wasn't gonna leave his son with Svetlana, or around his own sham of a Dad.
.
As Ian walked home alone, still wiping a single silent tear from his eye. He knew that through all his pain, his friend still needed him; but he also knew there was nothing that he could do, say, explain that would make Mandys fantastic relationship work. Just like he had accepted that there was nothing anyone else could do, say or explain that would stop him from moving on with his life, moving on from Mickey. There was one exception, he hadn't expected Mickey to be around, but as much as he wanted to be close to him he had to think about himself. Mickey Milkovich was pretty fucked up, nothing any professional could fix, nothing a good fight could help with. Like a hard drug, if you don't get help, you'll always need just a little more. Today when he spoke he, for the first time, could hear the auto-cue in Mickeys voice. He never said what he wanted to say, just what he needed to say.
There had been weeks to talk things through, for Mickey to explain that he didn't care about him - that he was going to do exactly as his Dad told him. As ashamed as Ian was to admit it, even after all the pain, if Mickey had been able to admit that he loved Ian, then it would all be forgotten. Clean slate. He didn't need promises that they would move in together, or that they would make plans for the weekend, or even that they would see each other in school. Although he never needed Mickey to say that he was gay, he just needed to know that he would be able to admit his feelings for Ian someday. That would never happen.
As Ian kicked a piece of stone at an empty glass bottle on his way along the street, he wanted to turn around, he wasn't fully anything anymore. By joining the army he would find himself again, not the same bright brand new toy... Just a hand-me-down one would do. He didn't need anyone. He loved his family, he cared for his friends, but he would need to learn that none of them mattered to him. Especially when he didn't matter to himself. That was the effect that this his secret drug, Mickey Milkovich, had had on him. Before he knew it, he had found himself at the top of the ruined building that they used to fool around in. It felt wrong being there, and right. He would stay here one last time. He didn't plan any explanations, excuses or apologies for his selfish act, his family would be told by Mandy in the morning that he was gone- that she had promised him. She couldn't explain why.
He would stay here one last time because for the last time, he allowed himself to remember who he had become before being broken again like the broken glass bottle.