Chapter Twenty
Alice and Jasper climbed into bed and as if by mutual consent, they did nothing but hold hands and talk into the wee hours of Monday morning. When Alice awoke it was to find that Jasper had gone home, leaving a quick note on the pillow next to her. "I made a pot of coffee but could not bring myself to wake you up. You looked so beautiful lying there, smiling in your sleep. Dreams of me, I hope. Take your time coming in to work, today. I have all day meetings. Dinner at seven? Don't say no."
Alice smiled and ran her hand through her tangled curls. "I wonder if he realizes just how sexy he is when he's demanding." Her thighs trembled as she remembering the frantic fucking on the kitchen table. "We're going to have to put that one on repeat." She said to herself, stretching lazily and rolling over to looked at the bedside clock. Her heart took a nose dive and she shrieked, "Aaah, I'm gonna kill him! It's fucking ten o'clock." Alice leapt out of bed and rushed to the shower. Twenty minutes later she was whizzing across the Bay Bridge, wet hair drying in the breeze, cursing Jasper under her breath.
At eleven a.m she tumbled into her office chair and reached for her ringing phone, a frantic Bella on the other end. "Oh God Alice, I'm so, so sorry, I never called you last night. I'm with Edward; I hope your weren't worried."
"Bella," Alice smiled to herself at Bella's frantic tone. As usual, her sister was worried about letting someone else down. "I kinda figured you were with him, I got your note."
"What note?" Bella's voice was puzzled. Oh, yes, Alice thought to herself, Bella is so wrapped up in Edward Cullen that she doesn't know her left foot from her right."
"The post-it you left on the front door. You said, and I quote, "Alice, I'm going out with Edward. I'll see you when I see you."
"Oh, good so you weren't worried at all?" Bella sighed in relief.
"Nope, not at all. He seems like a good guy, he'll take care of my little sis." Alice said breezily. "But when I see you again, I want the details. All of them."
"Okay." Bella whispered uncomfortably, Alice could almost hear her little sister's blush. They hung up and Alice broke out in a big smile. Her little sister was finding out what it meant to be shaken by love, and Alice was thrilled for her. Finally, she thought, Bella has started to live. And it brought her back to thoughts of herself and Mike and Jasper. I need to start living again too.
#
At noon, she was sitting at a table in the Ferry Building, sipping on some champagne and waiting for Rosie. The waiter had come over several times to inquire about her comfort, Alice was just starting to worry if Rosie was going to show up when the Big Kahuna herself darkened the doorway of the restaurant. Her face was hesitant as she searched the sea of faces for Alice. Rosie was a vision in a turquoise coat dress, which played up the color of her eyes, scarlet lipstick and red slingbacks. Very much one of the "ladies who lunch", Alice thought to herself.
Alice waved her over and a smile lit up Rosie's face as she caught Alice's eye. She sauntered over to the table, looking very much like a girl with a naughty secret. "Sorry, I'm late." Rose breathed as she neared. "The sitter was late, and well you know, traffic and all." She said airily.
"No prob, I was relaxing with a glass of champagne." Rupert, the very attentive waiter was ambling over and Alice asked Rose, "Here comes our waiter. What's your poison?"
"Just sparkling water for me, thanks." Rosie told Rupert with a winning smile. "But I do want to take a look at the menu for caviar, I'm so excited. I've been meaning to come here forever."
Rosie sat in the chair that he held out for her and he pushed it in. "Well, I'm hoping it will surpass your expectations. I'll be right back with your beverage and the menu." Rupert almost genuflected as he turned to leave.
"Well, well, well. You've certainly won Rupert over!" Alice teased.
"Pssh. I'm sure he was bowled over by you before I ever darkened the doorway." Rosie replied. "I'm pretty sure you had him twisted around your finger, giving you glasses of free champagne, didn't you?"
"Hah! I'll have you know that this is a business lunch. You, Miss McCarty, are meeting with me to talk about drawing up plans for a greener version of your second residence."
"Wha? Alice, I don't have a second residence!"
"Well, Fernan in accounting doesn't know that, so let's keep that little piece of info hush, hush. Okeedokes?" Alice winked.
"All righty, my lips are sealed." Rosie laughed as Rupert placed her water in front of her and handed her the menu. "Rupert?"
"Yes?"
"Would you be a sweetheart and recommend something for us?"
"What is your preference madam?"
"Rosie, call me Rosie. I like caviar but I've had it just a handful of times. I want to broaden my horizons, what do you suggest?"
"I suggest selection number three. The tsar's sampler comes with our most popular choices, you won't be disappointed."
"Lovely. That's what I'll have. Alice? What'll you have?"
"I think I'll have the tsarina plus the Parisian. We'll share."
Rupert smiled. "Wonderful, can I get you another glass of champagne, miss?" Alice nodded happily.
"Hey, how come she's "miss" and I'm "ma'am", Rupert?"
"You have a wedding ring, ma'am."
Rosie. "So? Do I look like a ma'am?"
"No ma…, no Miss.
"Good answer, Rupert. I prefer to be called 'miss' and not 'ma'am.'"
"Yes, miss."
"But I prefer you to call me Rosie, okay? I'm pretty sure I'll be coming here a lot if it lives up to my expectations, so don't disappont me Rupert." Rosie flirted shamelessly with the old man.
"I won't Miss Rosie." Rupert grinned.
"Okay. Thank you Rupert." And the smile Rosie gave Rupert made the older man's heart beat faster than it had in years. He hurried away to fill their orders.
"Thank you, that was better than watching Kim Basinger channelling Veronica Lake."
Rosie laughed. "That's exactly what I was going for. I have to keep honing my charm, or I'm afraid I'll lose it to hausfrauness." she chuckled. "You won't believe how good it feels to get dressed up and come out for lunch. I love being a mom, but god I miss being a bombshell."
Alice laughed. "Well, to hear Emmett talk you're the only woman in the world, so you have nothing to complain about."
Rosie smiled contentedly. "I know I'm adored, believe me. But sometimes it's good to get public affirmation."
"Believe me I know. I'm a flirt from way back. So, tell me about you and Emmett."
"What about us?" Rosie giggled.
"You promised to reveal all, and I'm curious."
"Well, when we met I was a young student at Bostun U and I was dabbling in same sex love."
"Oooh! Really? Do tell me more." Alice rubbed her palms together in anticipation. "And make it as lurid as possible."
Rose snorted. "Sorry, babe. Nothing too lurid happened, except in my head. But I'll start from the beginning. I know that Jasper said he doesn't keep secrets from you, but I don't know how much Jasper has told you about our early years."
"He told me about your Dad and Mom, Royce and Auralee Whitlock and how she died and that you were adopted by the Hales."
"Well. As you can imagine we were both in therapy for avery long time. We came out of those experiences pretty shell-shocked. I don't have plenty memories of Texas but the few memories I do have are nightmarish. As I grew older my therapist and Jasper helped to put those flashbacks in perspective, but the upshot was that as I reached adulthood, I became terrified of relationships with men. I ascribed all of my mom's suffering to her obsession and dependence on her husband and I decided that I would never, ever be like that. I kept all the boys in high school away by being one of them. I flirted, but nothing serious. I decided that I would be an independent single woman. So when I set off for college I was determined to keep steering clear of relationships."
Rupert arrived with the most delectable savory platters and the women dug in with relish. They mmm'd and ooh'd and aah'd over the delectable orbs of salty delight. Once their palates were satisfied, Rosie continued with her story.
"It just so happened that the very first day I arrived at the dorms, I pretty much attracted the attention of a bunch of priveleged jocks. And you know how that can be. They stood there and stared at me as I unloaded my junk from the taxi. They ogled and leered at me. They were imbibing freely, and I was so scared of that drunken nasty behavior that I had no idea how to laugh it off. They reminded me so much of Royce that I wanted to hurl. I felt like one big sore thumb, uncomfortable and pulsing with pain.
They gathered around me offering to help me and I told them no. So they stood there and watched as I tried to get everything to my room. Yelling out stuff like "Are you sure you don't want a man's help with that, baby?" and "Don't play so hard to get." And anyway before long other people were paying attention and I was even more mortified. Finally this young girl came to my rescue. She asked me what room I was in and then she called some of her girlfriends over and we managed to get away from those jerks. But they continued to jeer us and were just yucking it up. One of them stood real close behind me and told the others that I had a fine plump ass, just the right size for riding. That was it. The girl who rescued me got between us and told him if he even though about riding me she was gonna fuck him up. He lunged at her and that was all the excuse she needed. She went all black belt on his ass and he wound up on the sidewalk looking like a jigsaw puzzle. I was stunned and thrilled."
"I bet. What a fucking jerk. I'm surprised you didn't get in on the action. I would have punched him in the nuts." Alice seethed.
"I didn't even think about it. The girl was a sophomore and she was a dyke and she was awesome. I wound up having a big crush on her. Annette Melendez was tall, on the swim team so she had wide shoulders and so androgynous. Here she was, this exciting Dominican chica, who knew how to salsa and merengue and play the violin and how to kiss like nobody's business, I fell in love.
I flirted with her for months, bringing her morning lattes and pastries. Then little gifts and then offering her foot massages. Eventually I got in the habit of giving her a kiss hello and a kiss good-bye; occasionally slipping her a little tongue. I became besotted with her. I wanted her to be my first, so I found any excuse to knock on her door.
I threw myself at her. Whiling away many afternoons, in her dorm room. Making my move and kissing her. And the way she kissed turned me to jelly and I knew it would be so good when we finally did it." Rosie let out a sigh, remembering her first love, blue eyes twinkling and Alice was in awe.
Alice shook her head and said, "Wow, for no sex that was pretty lurid, so hurry up and get to the good stuff."
"Nothing happened. She was leery of getting into a relationship with someone like me, someone who wasn't sure what she was and what she wasn't. But I was persistent, I'd made up my mind that I would get her. I wanted Annette so badly. She never budged though. She told me that she didn't want her heart broken by me, because if we ever had a relationship and I left her for a man it would fuck her up for sure. She knew, better than I, that I was not a lesbian. I was playing at it because it was new and exciting and safe.
Anyhow, skip forward a couple years. I go out with her and we're at the "G-Spot" and I'm having a blast. I'm whooping it up trying my best to seduce the ever elusive Annette Melendez. I am wearing a teeny weenie sequin tank top and even teenier satin shorts. I'm all done up like a hooch and rubbing up against her on the dance floor. It was my birthday for god's sake and I made up my mind that I would get her for my birthday present. If it came right down to it, I planned to beg her for it. I wanted to lose my v-card and I wanted to lose it to the girl of my dreams.
She let me kiss her and practically make love to her on the dance floor. I was so into this chick I didn't really pay attention or notice that we were attracting a lot of attention. About half-way through the night she disappeared. I looked all over for her and found her outside on the back patio of the club with another girl. When I found her she was in a hot and heavy clinch. I was so hurt. I'd thought I had a chance. I went over to them and I started a scene. I pulled that little puta away from my girl and I was going to fucking kick her ass. Annette stepped in front of the little bitch and stopped me. She told me that she wasn't interested in straight girls and that I should go find myself a nice guy. I was so furious that I marched over to the bartender, the only male bartender in the place mind you, and I yanked him towards me and gave him a kiss to rock his world. I wanted to show Annette what she was missing.
That guy happened to be Emmett. Bartender and bouncer, hired because he was buffed and because they needed him to get rid of any icky guy who came in the club to hit on the women.
He was a friend of Ouida, the owner of the club, who knew that Emmett would never try anything with a dyke. So he pushed me away. I was mortified and I ran outside the club. There I was standing outside in my shiny top and shorts, looking like a cheap hooker. Emmett came outside and found me, he told me that I was beautiful and that my stupid girlfriend didn't deserve me. He told me that there are plenty of wonderful girls out there for me and that I didn't need to bed a guy to get over her.
I was so surprised I started to laugh. Annette was telling me I was straight and Emmett was telling me that I was a lesbian, the irony of it. Anyway, I didn't have a ride home and he offered me one, if I was willing to wait a little. He phoned a friend to cover for him and then he took me home. We stayed in the car and talked until the sun came up.
I told him all about my unrequited love for Annette and he suggested that maybe I'd wanted her because she was "safe" and out of my reach. That's when it hit me, I finally realized that he was right. That was the big draw. I wanted her because I couldn't get her and I had a ready-made excuse to avoid a real relationship, whether gay or straight.
Em turned out to be so sweet, and understanding and I swear I was shocked when he opened the car door for me and escorted me to my dorm. He told me that I should wait for the real thing to come along and he was about to leave and I just needed to keep in touch, I didn't want him to disappear. Figuring he was gay, I asked for his number, and I told him that I just needed a friend, someone to hang with.
Anyway we hung out a lot after that. He proved to be a real nice guy. He would cook dinner for me and his flat was impeccably clean. Sometimes we would go to a play or the museum. He confessed that he had no interest in sports or cars or any typical guy stuff. Soon he became my best bud and we hung out all the time and I realized that he wasn't seeing anyone. After a while I started looking for guys to fix him up with. I found this sweet guy, Jamie, at the library and I invited him for coffee. I invited Emmett too and I was so excited to have them meet each other. Imagine the hilarity when they both realized what I was trying to do. They were both straight." Rosie snorted. "And they were very, very offended."
"Oh god! Woman, you are so clueless. No wonder you were such a horrible dyke." Alice cackled. "I bet women were eyeing you all the time and you just thought they wanted to be friends."
"Please, Alice. You obviously don't know me. I've got a big old ego, believe me. It's just that I was so sure Em was gay. In all the time we had been hanging out, he never once said or did anything remotely suggestive. And I liked him more than just a little, but when I flirted he was just so …unresponsive."
"Really? Maybe you just misread his signals."
Rosie gave her the stink eye. "There were no signals to misread. None. Once, after we had gone out to the movies, I let him crash on my roomie's bed. She was gone for the weekend, and I knew she wouldn't mind. I got up early the next morning and took a shower and came back into the room wrapped in nothing but a teensy weensy towel and Em just looked at me and asked me if the bathroom was free. When I nodded, he borrowed a towel and went to take a shower. I waffled, wanting to stay naked and tempt him but afraid that he would reject me. He took so long, by the time he came back I was dressed , and he looked relieved. He even said something like, "Oh good you're ready to go."
"Mmm. Wow. Did you ever ask him what he was thinking?"
"Well, years later he told me that he had a big hard on and had to relieve himself in the shower. He was afraid of coming on too strong and ruining our friendship."
"So what happened after the Jamie and Emmett meeting?"
"It was so hilarious, I started laughing like crazy. I think I almost peed my pants. Jamie cussed me up and down and hightailed it outta there muttering that I was nuts. Emmett stayed and looked so crushed. When I finally stopped laughing and calmed down, he asked me why I thought he was gay.
I basically told him what I told you; one- he didn't have a girlfriend, two-he never indicated that he was even interested in a woman, three-he never made a move, no matter how I tried, four- he liked to cook and do chick stuff, and five- he went to the gym, like all the time. I thought he was trying to snag a guy.
He called me a stupid idiot and ditched me at the coffee shop.
I came to my senses and ran after him and told him that I liked him, a lot. An hour later we were wrapped in his 350 count sateen sheets, doing the nasty. Well, as nasty as two virgins could get. We were holed up at his place for three whole days. I don't think we came up for air let alone food." Rosie giggled.
"Oh man!Score! Emmett! So the rest is history."
"It wasn't smooth sailing believe me. I gave poor Em a run for his money. After a few weeks and the rosy glow wore off, I realized I could really fall in love with him and I panicked. I avoided him for days, making excuses about term papers and studying. I steered clear of him until summer break and then I flew back home. I was scared shitless."
"Why?"
"Like I told you. I was traumatized by my early childhood, damaged. I didn't want to lose myself in someone else. I spoke to my dad, and told him that I wanted to transfer to Stanford. He was ecstatic, you see he was all alone by then. My mom had passed away just before I graduated from high school. He missed her terribly and he missed me. Jasper was starting his company and working ridiculous hours, my dad rarely got to see him.
"How sad." Alice offered. Thinking again of how the years had been so unfair to a wonderful man like Nick Hale. "So you ran away from Emmett."
"I sure did. Dad pulled a few strings and come fall, I started at Stanford. Em called me constantly so I changed my number. At first I was relieved that it was over, relieved that I'd managed to get out of it before I could be hurt. Then, as time went on, I became despondent; I missed him, I missed talking to him and I missed seeing him and most of all I missed the feeling of having someone I could share myself with. So after the relief, came grief. I literally mourned the loss of mine and Em's relationship. He was someone I had truly come to enjoy and trust.
I closed up even more. I didn't want to see my old friends, I threw myself into my studies, it was a stellar semester, academically. But I lost weight and cried a lot. When Jasper saw me at Christmas he was shocked. He thought the pressure to succeed at Stanford was too much for me to handle and he spoke to my dad about talking me into taking a break from school. A few days later, when Dad approached me I just lost it. I cried and cried and he could barely understand a word that I was saying. I was wailing to him about Em. All he heard was I had fallen into bed with Em and he got it all wrong. He thought Em had used me and broken my heart.
He comforted me, telling me it would all work out for the best, but underneath the calm he was livid. I think he was reliving the nightmare of Auralee and Royce and he was beyond pissed. So without my knowing it, Dad called Jasper and told him that Em had done a number on me. Jasper, being the overprotective big brother, booked a flight to Boston to go and fuck Em over. I didn't find out until it was almost too late, I raced over to his place before he could fly out and I told him that I had left Em; that I was the one who had used him. That's when it all came out; my fear of being in a relationship, my fear of turning out like my mother. Jasper and Dad sat there and listened to my screwed up tale.
At the end of it, Dad convinced me to speak to Emmett and give him a chance. The Hales don't do things by half measures so we went to see Em in person. Jasper and I flew to Boston right after New Year's, I was so nervous. But I knew my Dad was right. I had been horrible to Emmett and he had only ever been sweet to me, I needed to make amends or at the very least explain why I had disappeared. After Jasper and I got settled in at the hotel, I took a cab to his place. I wasn't even sure if Emmett was still living there, I hadn't spoken to him in months."
"And was he?"
"I asked the super. Gino said that Em was still there but that he didn't have regular hours, sometimes he didn't see him for days. So, I waited on the stoop, freezing my ass off. But I didn't want to miss him. And I figured it was what I deserved. Any how, when I spotted him coming down the street, I almost ran. It took all my strength to stand there and wait. But the moment he spotted me I knew it would be all right."
Alice smiled, conjuring up an image of Emmett and Rosie, meeting again in front of his building. "Soooo. What did he say?"
"All of a sudden he had this gorgeous smile and then he pulled me up into his arms for a hard hug and said, "Rosalie Hale, you are never leaving me again, got that?" and I said, "Never again, as long as I live."
"Rosie, if I were a sap, I'd be reaching for a napkin and wiping my eyes right about now." Alice sniffled.
"Here ya go, sappy." Rosie teased as she handed her a hankie.
"Who the hell has a hankie in their purse, Rose?"
"Me. I collect aprons and hankies and scarves. My mother loved that stuff. She was raised in the fifties. I love that era."
"By your mother, I guess you mean Mrs Hale."
"Uhuh. I always call Auralee my mom. Edie was my mother, my rock."
"Jasper doesn't refer to Auralee as anything but Auralee. I think that's so sad."
Rosie reached over and covered Alice's hand with hers. "You have to understand, Alice, Jasper was much more damaged by his childhood than I was. He lived it everyday for thirteen years. He was beaten, all the time, by the man who was supposed to love him. He was betrayed by Auralee. She never protected him. Honestly, I think it's a miracle Jasper is as well adjusted as he is."
"Why can't he forgive her? I can't help it Rosie, I wonder what kind of man can't refer to his mother as his mother. I feel it says so much about him."
"Maybe it does, Alice. But think about it, will you? A kid so beaten and scarred, with a murderer for a father, managed to make a successful life for himself. People admire him and care about him. The worst thing you can say about him is that he can't forgive his mother. But maybe that's not it. Maybe he can't forgive himself."
#
That night Alice and Jasper had a fantastic meal at Chez Panisse. Three hours later they walked hand in hand down Shattuck, the twinkling lights on the trees giving the chilly air a Christmas feel.
Alice mused, "Once I left here I realized how magical this place is. Here it is, almost July, and the rest of country is sweltering and we're wearing sweaters walking down a street strewn with Christmas lights."
"The Bay area is pretty near perfect." Jasper admitted, tucking her into the curve under his sheltering arm.
"Mmmhmm. And Berkeley is even better. It's so quiet, at ten at night. Almost all the stores are shuttered. Nothing opened past midnight. I feel like I'm in "Goodnight Moon." This town rounds itself in sleep every night. I loved the hustle of New York when I was there, but I can never be happy anywhere else but here. This is my home."
"I love it too. I can imagine raising kids here, taking them to Cordonices Park and the Rose Garden."
"Riding the carousel and the steam train at Tilden, like I did when I was little."
"Eating at Michelin-rated restaurants like Chez Panisse or grubbing on Falafels at Bongo. Having Alicha and Fitfit at Colucci or Vindaloo at Chaat."
"Sailing in the Bay or hiking in the hills, we've got so much. We've got it all."
After a few more minutes walking, Jasper came to a stop by the dimly lit bear fountain. "We can have it all. And I want to have it all with you , Alice." He got down on one knee and Alice started to tremble. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an enormous lime green lucite ring, the size of a small light bulb.
Alice started to laugh. "What on earth are you doing you crazy man?"
"I know you're not ready yet, so it's not an engagement ring. It's a promise-to-think-about-it ring. Do you accept?"
"I do." she giggled. And he gently slipped the bauble on her ring finger, then kissed her palm.
"Never take it off." he told her.
She giggled again. "I have to Jasper, or else I'll knock myself out."
"Okay, wear it as much as you can."
"I will. I promise."
They made a right turn and walked up into the hills to the little purple Victorian; to the dark room, the big wooden bed and the cool white sheets that were waiting for them.
Alice and Jasper made love once they'd climbed into the big wooden bed. His body bowed over her as he kissed down her chest and belly until he reached his place. He went down on her as though it was the last time he would taste her. Licking with his warm tongue and then blowing cool air and then sucking, his rough tongue pulled her upward, downward, spinning her into a whirlpool of tactile sensation. Alice cried out and begged for him to never stop. "Oh yesss, baby. Oooh, God that's it, Jasper."
Her thighs lay open, trembling. Her legs moved restlessly as they draped over his broad shoulders. Closer and closer ecstasy beckoned and when it came, the sweet, pulsing orgasm plunged her into ecstasy causing her to clamp her thighs around him and scream his name, "Jasper, oh god, Jasper!" His hoarse masculine laugh stirred delight in her and her loving response came out in a breathy gasp of his name, "Oh Jasper." Jasper parted her thighs again to bathe her in his warm wet kisses, continuing the sweet torture.
As he lay between her thighs, in the shaft of moonlight , Alice noticed that the silvery blue glow seemed to paint him in an erotic other-worldly hue. She was transfixed by the vision of him, a blue tinted angel. She remembered how she'd often called Michael her angel, and it occurred to her that Jasper was now her guardian angel, rescuing her from a half lived life. Her fingers moved of their own volition over his white-blond locks and along his jaw, touching him all over, as if to reassure themselves that he was real. As if to anchor herself to Jasper and the here and now. "You're too far away. Come up here and kiss me, please." She whispered.
He kissed his way back up her body until he reached her lips and he covered them oh so sweetly. Pulling away, he whispered against her lips, "I love making love to you, Alice. I feel so fucking good when you scream my name, baby." Her heart throbbed at his words and she pulled his bottom lip into hers, nipping and then sucking.
"You make me feel so good too, Jasper." He groaned and buried his mouth in hers, sucking every bit of her breath into his mouth.
As they kissed she became aware that he was easing his body into hers and with a groan he started moving. In mere moments he'd led her again to the brink of delicious, heart-stopping satisfaction. His biceps rippled with movement and he became slick with sweat as he flexed his hips in and out. Sensation piled on sensation until Alice was sure she had never felt this level of pure bliss. If every once in a while her thoughts guiltily strayed to Mike she reeled them back before she could lose herself to the encroaching sorrow. How is it possible to feel so heart-full and so heartsick at one and the same time? She asked herself. She pushed those thoughts aside to gaze into Jasper's face, so full of love and tenderness for her.
But when he finally fell asleep, the sorrow came back in full force. She lay awake thinking about Mike. Her heart hurt and the tears fell silently, wetting her hair and the pillow beneath her. Mike was everywhere. He was in this room and in this bed and in her blood. She could still feel his vibration, his life, his breath in the air surrounding her. She wondered if this was how her mother felt for all those years, sleeping in the same bed she had shared with her husband. No, she had never truly appreciated Renee's loneliness and sorrow. But while she loved her mother and could now understand her, she also realized that she did not want to live that way. She wanted to laugh and live and love. She wanted children and grandchildren. She wanted a full life.
So, although her heart didn't want to, she accepted that she had to let Mike go. But it was hard. "Why, God, why?" she whispered as she rolled onto her side and away from Jasper. "Why does it still hurt this much?" she whispered to the darkness. After a few more minutes, she eased out from under Jasper's arm, and reached for her lavender silk robe, the one that Mike had given her for her birthday.
She wandered over to the big window that overlooked the backyard and sat on the window seat in the soft dappled stream of moonlight.
"Will I always feel this way? Will my heart never truly heal?" she asked aloud. Her quiet words bounced off the walls and she swung her head to see if Jasper had heard them. More than anything she didn't want to hurt him, it would break her heart if he ever found out how much she still yearned for Mike. "I want to move on. I must." She told herself. "And maybe if I pretend I have, I eventually will."
She looked out and up into the starry night sky, like a little faithful child, wondering if her mother and father and Mike were looking down on her. She closed her eyes and said a little prayer, the first prayer she'd uttered in over twenty years, asking for their love and for her husband's blessing.
"Please Dear God, help me. Make this easier. Show me how. Mom, Dad, if you're there, please take care of Mike. I love him so much. Mike, please forgive me for letting you go. I never wanted to, I wish we had forever. Oh Mike, I have to choose to live. Please understand. I love you, I love you. I still love you." Just then she heard the soft sound of Mike's breath in her hair. She wasn't sure if it was her mind or wishful thinking, or if it was real, but she heard Mike's voice whisper her name. Her heart soared and she felt giddy. Suddenly the words of Ecclesiastes came to her, words that she had forgotten long ago.
In that moment she had clarity, "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die...a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," echoed in her brain. Searching back through time for the words brought her a measure of peace she hadn't felt in a long time. She was on the cusp, in between her wintry season of mourning and her springtime of dance; slowly moving through it and Jasper was her sun, lighting her way.
As she was finishing her prayer she felt rather than heard Jasper stir. "What are you doing over there?" he asked huskily. "Come back to me, baby." Alice, made a sign of the cross and whispered a quick, soft "amen" and walked over to the bed to crawl into her lover's arms. "Is everything okay?" he asked her as he tucked her into the crook of his arm, spooning her and resting his chin on the top of her wild curls.
"More than okay." She responded as she snuggled into the warm curve of him.