It had been 3 days since Mickey had dumped Gallagher at the hospital and switched his phone off. He had made sure he disappeared before the questions were thrown at him. It had been snowing for 3 days, but somehow Mickey had managed to stay outside for most of it. He hadn't been home, he couldn't speak to anyone, he knew how Gallagher had felt after he'd gotten married. He once nearly made it to the hospital but got freaked out when he saw the ambulances arrive and someone fly into the emergency room.

What had actually happened to Gallagher? It's all that had been going around Mickey's drunk and swirling mind, he had gotten through 2 bottles of vodka, 2 of whiskey and a bottle of cheap wine. He still had blood on his hands, literally. He still hadn't cleaned it off, not because he wanted to see it, but because removing it meant getting seen or caught. He had to lie low. Mickey hadn't been this low since his Dad caught them, when he was told that he would never be allowed to see him again. This was a new low, what a fucking piece of shit he was.

Firstly, Ian had been a friend, then it became more - although Mickey acted cool about it, like it was just a hook-up, he actually looked forward to the company. Gallagher kept him in smokes in Juvie, and then he found someone else, he was looking elsewhere... All because he couldn't bring himself to think about him as more than a friend. Mistake. Gallagher had known how Mickey felt, though he never actually told him, yet he flaunted him and his pensioner in his face. Going for drinks, food, hotels, gifts, nights alone together with no worries, kisses, the smell of his hair, the look in his eyes...

Even what they'd been through the last few weeks, not seeing each other, not speaking, the arguments, the beat downs, the longing, the wanting, the resisting... Mickey, through it all expected Gallagher to be there. Mickey hadn't expected that he wouldn't be. He didn't want him anymore, he didn't call, he didn't look him in the eye. That was low, but this? Why did Gallagher have to twist the knife, why did he have to be so melodramatic and abandon him?

Then that night, the one he would never be able to scratch from his mind, he made himself believe that they could make it work - Gallagher did not want it. He wanted to run for it, why had he decided to hide in his home? Why did he refuse to talk? Why, oh fucking why did he have to say out loud those words? Mickey knew the answer to his fear. Yes Gallagher scared him a lot, his Dad even more so. But what he was most afraid of in the whole world was himself. No. Not quite, he was scared of being happy, allowing himself to be happy in this miserable and depressing city.

Was he alone now? He knew eventually he would need to know, he didn't do it. He didn't do it. He had become someone else, something else. Part of the Milkovich set of deformed genes. So who did he want to be? Could he not just choose to be straight? Before he knew it, Mickey found himself alone in his house. He ran a shower, and threw his laundry in to get rid of the dried blood. He had to find out, he would have to face facts and see his own work. Usually he'd have dumped the body and never seen it again, this time he would see the damage. With that Mickey switched on his phone for the first time in 3 days.

.

Ian Gallagher had been in hospital 3 days, still in a coma. He could hear every word, but his body wouldn't wake up. He tried crying when he first became conscious, when he heard his family and Mandy run in and find him there. This is what it would have been like for them if he'd gone, for that he couldn't blame Mickey. He was the one who pushed Mickey's buttons, he knew what would happen, he didn't know that he would nearly kill him though. He could hear Fi talking to him, blaming him for it all, asking who did it, demanding to know why he was going to run off to the army. He got the same treatment from Lip, Mandy.

Carl and Debbie had been crushed but not said much. They were never with him alone. Frank? Although he was in the hospital, he didn't imagine that he'd want to get in the way - meaning he had drinking to catch up on. He never got rest, doctors and nurses prodding him, tests, checks... Then his families all night vigils around his bed. He actually wanted to be alone, to allow him to start his pity party - but he would settle with his family telling him it instead.

He didn't know how long it had been, didn't need to know... Funny how hearing the mundane news of the day was somehow settling to him. Had he changed his mind about anything? No. Ian Gallagher was made of tough skin, like every Gallagher. When he made his mind up, it was done. Nothing had changed, he'd be here until... Then he'd wait a few weeks to recover and then enlist outside of Chicago. He knew he was a piece of shit for it, but that was what was written for him. That was his destiny, to leave home, and fight. His enemy? Himself.

.

"Answer your fucking phone Mick" "What do you know?" "What the fuck is the blood at home about, Svetlana said she just found it like that, what have you done?"

The messages kept coming, but the last killed him more than the others from his sister.

"Come home Mick, whatever it is that you've done, We'll still love you. We just want to know that you're safe."

"Mandy?" Mickey had phoned her, wanted to do the right thing, they'd all worked out what happened, or did she think it was dad? "Meet me at home. I'll wait."

"Are you ok Mickey? What happened?" Mandy was restless on the phone, this happened, and then suddenly her little brother disappeared, what was she supposed to think.

"I'll wait."

With that Mandy left the hospital, and silently whispered to Ian, loud enough for his ears to hear, but his family not to, "We've found him."

As Mickey lay on his bed, he noticed something odd, a bar in his pillow? Was was that about? With that he picked up the pillow to inspect it. He was stunned to find a bar he somehow recognized along with a note, well a letter. He doubted Svetlana would be able to write much in English, and Mandy? Unlikely, anything she would have to say to him, she could say to her Dad. He knew that this was supposed to be the last letter of one Ian Gallagher.

Mickey,

By the time you find this I should probably already be training. Knowing you, you've been out all night drinking. Drinking because you don't know how to deal with things when they don't go your way. Staying out, well despite the fact you'll deny it, but stayed away because you wouldn't want to be near your wonderful wife this evening. You made all these plans, not letting me in on any of them. At no stage did you stop to consider whether your plans had any flaws - they did.

You're plans were, and still are to be married, raise a family and still get fucked by men you'll beat up afterwards for doing it. I know this because this is the only future you know. I won't be here for you to talk about it with, when you need someone, just talk to Mandy - I won't see your sons face, the pride you'll have at finally doing something your psycho Dad would be proud of.

With me gone, you can live there rest of your life. You told me that it was my fault this mess happened, that I was just a warm mouth. Good news is that you'll be fixed with me gone, and you've got Svetlana. I'm gay, I love you and always will. I know you don't have feelings for me, otherwise you'd have tried to stop me. When you look up at night and see the moon, remember that I'm looking there too.

Ian

Flaws? That he did have feelings for him, the flaw, showing or even telling him.