Thanks for sticking with this my first fanfic, I hope you all enjoy the 10th Chapter, and the surpassing of the 10,000th word! Please leave a review, feedback, suggestions and surprises! Thanks, R.
"What do you want from me?" Is all Ian could scream in his head.
Mickey fucking Milkovich had come back to what? Finish the job, give him another line of hope? It had only taken what seemed a month for him to finally visit, Ian was surprised that he even came at all. He knew the score: Ian would tell the world, or leave. That was the unspoken understanding from that night, it would have been easy enough for Mickey to let Ian head off without another word. No one would ever have known.
All Ian could hear were sobs, what a wimp He took his hand again, but with that came the unspoken conversations. He wasn't sure Mickey had ever held his hand before. Before he knew it, his hand had gone, it was on his chest now; he seemed to be seeing his work. What a mess Ian must have looked, well from the reaction of people walking in to visit him. He knew it would be difficult for Mickey to see, but he had at least seen it.
"What do you want from me?"
Ian felt Mickey's warm hand move over his broken body. He didn't want to feel it, he didn't want it; was he somehow more in denial than Mickey! He could see something, there was light, well something bright. His eyes were still closed and paralyzed but they could see something bright. It startled him, he had been in darkness the last week. Then his hand found his hand again, this time somehow more sure, more certain. There it was, his voice. Would he ever be able to explain what Ian wanted to ask? What Ian couldn't ask?
"Let's start from the beginning. The letter..."
.
"... I'm gay, I love you and always will. I know you don't have feelings for me, otherwise you'd have tried to stop me. When you look up at night and see the moon, remember that I'm looking there too."
"What do you want from me?"
"Yes, I did drink. Yes, I did try to find you. I tried to find you to explain or make you understand. Who knows if you can even hear any of this shit, but it won't not help. Mistakes? Flaws? Yes, you are my biggest one. I wish every day that I had never met you." There was a long pause, Ian wanted to know more, what did that even mean! "I wish that I had never met you because I have never deserved you. You have always done better when I've been away. Why did I even try to stop you?"
Never deserved him, that wasn't Mickey's choice. It didn't matter who the love of your life is. Love isn't something you choose or deserve, it's a need in spite of it all.
"Svetlana, she helped bring you in, she helped save your life. Without her, you wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean you aren't or have no right to be angry with my wife... but you can't be mad at her - it's me, it's always been me." Mickey gently kissed Ians hand, not noticing Ians tear slowly forming and falling. "I've never had plans, that implies I made them - that's been really fucking unfair. You keep saying it's my fault. Well one of many secrets you may not know is that if I hadn't of married Svetlana, I'd be dead, you would be dead and your family."
Ian felt something grab at his chest, it was clenched like a fist. Pulled out, forced down his throat. Had Ian really never stopped to think? He really was just a little kid. Why would Terry threaten them? Ian knew exactly why. Not only would he be killed, but he'd be forced to watch every member of his family die first; that pain leaves a real mark, no a real scar. That sort of pain would be passed through his soul, knowing that it was all his fault... It was all his fault. Then Mickey would be forced to kill Ian, before being killed himself. Terry Milkovich was a sick twisted cunt, why hadn't he been killed yet? Enough people had motives!
"I did it, for you. It was all for you. How do you think that I'd be able to live with you gone? Did you think that I could go on? Did you really think I was that strong?"
Tears were now freely flowing from Ian's eyes, how had Mickey not seen it yet. His eyes stung... For so long he had wanted to shed a tear, now that it happened, it was like battery acid. Like the bile from his stomach rising and falling...
"Sorry. I deserve whatever your family want to do when they find out the truth. I will do whatever you want me to, to put it right. I don't know who I was, why didn't you try to stop me?" Mickey kissed Ian's hand again. As he closed his eyes to hold back the tears, he nearly crapped himself as Ian's hand tightened around his.
"What do you want from me?" Ian's head was still screaming, he could start to feel, whether that was what he wanted, he didn't know. But at least if he could he'd have time to find out what he wanted.
"Gallagher? Can you hear me?" Mickey was both expectantly excited, he may not have lost him, yet still scared, because the answers that he got may not be what he had always wanted. "Come on firecrotch, do it again." He seemed to be testing what Ian could do. Whatever it takes.
With that he had to call out, get Lip in, get the doctor in. They did some tests, some actions were coming back, but that was just the start. Waking up, wasn't a cure, he may never wake up. Lip was wondering why it had to happen when he let Mickey see him.
.
"What exactly did you do Mickey?" Lip plainly asked.
"Nothing dickwad. I was just talking, and holding his hand. I guessed that's what you do... It's what always in those fucking chick flicks!" Mickey began to explain. "I was just holding his hand and then he started to grab it, he's still crying for fuck sake..."
That made Ian feel embarrassingly low, but at least his family would have hope now. They could get rest without the unknown worries they'd been having the last week. Lip and Mickey talked for a while after the doctors left. Lip asked questions about what had happened, Mickey had rattled off some bullshit story about finding him, and then some queer bashers catching them... Ian could tell that Lip knew that it was bullshit. However, since Mickey seemed the most likely to be able to help Ian, Lip would be willing to allow Mickey to tell him it was rainbow coated leprechauns that'd done it. Lip left the room and left Ian and Mickey alone, as he made calls to the family.
.
Before too long, the whole family had been and gone. Carl was the most shocked to find out that Ian was a fag, but soon accepted it when everyone pointed out that he was his brother. Of course, no one knew that Mickey was a queer, especially since it appeared he'd been the one to fight them off. Lip insisted that he, Mandy and Mickey took the evening shifts, so that the others could get back to work. Monica still hadn't showed up, unsurprising. She never would do anything if it was difficult.
The last few weeks had brought Lip and Mandy much closer, Karen was recovering, but at least Lip had learnt not to mention her. Looking at Ian, he had quickly learnt not to mistake love of a Milkovich with immunity of insufferable pain. It was late on a Friday night when Lip had been called back home with Fi at work, and Carl having nearly blown the house up with Jimmy being no use. Mandy insisted on accompanying him, but he saw that it was just a good excuse to give Mickey time alone with Ian.
It was halfway through Saving Private Ryan when Mickey remembered the last time they had a movie night. That was before every emotion had been blown out of proportion. Mickey pistol whipped, Ian not allowed near him. Mickey getting married to Svetlana, Ian trying to stop him. Mickey trying not to let himself get to close to Gallagher, Ian trying to stop him by running off...
That night, Mickey had placed the popcorn on his crotch, so that Ian could brush it every now and then. They laughed and smiled. They allowed themselves to be happy, it didn't matter who was around that night. They popped in Double Impact, got halfway through before Mickey had had enough waiting to get his candy! Man was it sweet. Being fucked by Gallagher, no guilt. If he ever needed a point to say that he loved Gallagher, it was probably that night. Honesty and Trust.
With that, he looked at Gallagher, had he realized what was on Mickey's mind? He got up off his chair, and began to kiss him. His forehead, bandaged up, moving over his lips, his neck. He could feel his breathe - and then it happened. Ian was back again.
"I love you." It was barely audible, but Mickey knew what he had heard.
"What?" Mickey said, he stopped and looked at Ian in the face. His eyes slowly opening, glad that Mickey had the lights off, with only the lights of the TV on. Mickey could see Ian breathing again, inhaling and exhaling. He was still on the painkillers, but they had been reduced over the last few weeks.
"I still love you." Ian said again, he had no energy, he could barely move his body, so didn't try to. Allowing his mind to finally control something was like a resurrection.
"Shall I go get someone?" Mickey was now panicking, he knew that Gallagher wanted him to say it back.
"No, stay with me. Get me some water." His whole face was so tired. He felt like he was being lifted up, like a bird taking flight. The last few months, could they be turned back?
"What do you want?" Mickey said, knowing this would be it, he'd have to either be honest or trust that Gallagher could wait for him.
"You know what I've always wanted." Ian said, the painkillers were pulling him back to sleep. "I just want something. I don't need love, I don't need promises..."
"What do you want?" Mickey said, he could barely breath now, this was the effect of his hidden emotions, he began to cry.
"I want, I want..." Ian began, "I just want to not be alone again." With that he fell asleep.
"I just want to be with you." Mickey replied after Gallagher had fallen asleep. His head didn't move, he didn't even have the water. But his eyes had lit up, his mouth had moved, he had finally seen those eyes again. That look you get when you both trust each other, that wasn't the hard part, the hard part was yet to come.