Author's Note: Tali is pretty much my favourite character in sci-fi at the moment; I think it's time she stopped suffering!
Reviews are always very much appreciated.
"I wanted to apologise for earlier," Tali said, glancing briefly down at her hands. "I didn't mean to... make you think that I was keeping something from you."
Shepard nodded, offering a small smile - apology accepted, it said.
"Even though I was keeping something from you," she said, in a small voice.
His brow creased into a slight frown, more of curiosity than anything else, and he remained silent as he waited for her to continue.
Tali sighed, and looked over at the aquarium. It was soothing to look at. She understood why he had it in his cabin. She spoke again without looking around.
"I heard you leaving Miranda's office a little while ago," she said.
He was unsure what significance her statement had. It wasn't unusual for someone to be around when he entered or left Miranda's office, since it opened onto a corridor leading directly past the large mess area and kitchen. He hadn't noticed anyone around, but he hadn't been looking particularly carefully either.
She was looking down at her own hands clasped in her lap again, and seemed reluctant to continue. He was about to gently prompt her when she suddenly looked up at him.
"Are you... and her... ?" Tali stuttered, unable to actually say the words.
"Miranda and I... together?" he said, scarcely able to believe that she thought it.
Tali nodded, her eyes still fixed on him.
Shepard's mind ran back over the evening's events. He'd asked her what she was working on, and she'd become nervous - but it had seemed to be just an energy diagnostic. He'd seen the displays himself. And then she'd apparently been outside Miranda's office, even though he hadn't seen her. But thinking that the two of them were together?
"What gave you that idea?" he asked gently, and she shrugged unhappily, dropping her gaze again.
"I heard some of your conversation," she replied, very quietly. "She... said that she felt the same way, and... you said that was good."
She sighed deeply and helplessly, and he knew that she was intensely miserable. He felt a powerful urge to reach out to her, and for once he didn't fight it.
She glanced up quickly as she felt his hand reach over and grasp hers. He was smiling, not quite that same sad smile from before, but one with a sparkle of relieved humor around the eyes.
"Tali," he said, "Miranda told me that Joker wanted to disconnect EDI's control of the ship."
She frowned, not seeing the relevance. She would probably agree with Joker's suggestion, but it didn't explain anything.
"I was just leaving her office," he said. " I told her we weren't going to do that, because EDI could come in handy one day. Miranda said she felt the same way."
Tali blinked, her head tilting slightly to one side.
"I said that was good," he continued. "I'm going to tell Joker about my decision tomorrow. Miranda said she was looking forward to the meeting. That's what happened."
Her heart leapt again, and she was certain she would cry. After a moment, the certainty passed, and instead she felt acute embarrassment.
"Oh Keelah..." she groaned, covering her visor with her free hand.
Shepard allowed himself a small laugh, then quickly stifled it to spare her further discomfort. He squeezed her hand, and when she finally looked up at him again, he spoke clearly and carefully.
"Miranda and I aren't together," he said. "Not even slightly. Not even close. Alright?"
Tali nodded slowly, once again studying her own hands, one of which he still held but now slowly released.
After a long few moments of silence, she spoke.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "It's not any of my business. I shouldn't have bothered you."
He smiled, even though she didn't see it.
Don't back out now, he thought. He was unsure whether the advice was for her or for himself.
"Tali," he said, "you said you were keeping something from me. Is there... something you want to tell me?"
She shivered, clasping her hands together tightly. He could see that she was uncomfortable, and suddenly it all seemed so unnecessary. So simple.
Doubt is one thing, he thought. Not overstepping boundaries is another. But maybe this doesn't have to be complicated.
The words were out of his mouth before his brain had a chance to intervene.
"Because there's something I've been meaning to tell you," he said.
She looked up immediately, her shining eyes wide behind the misty glass of the helmet's visor.
Shepard became very aware of his own heartbeat, but it wasn't elevated. Just marking time; counting regularly. An insistent rhythm that demanded action, because life was short and every moment was important.
He imagined that he could hear her heartbeat too, and that it was perfectly synchronized to his. There was nothing else in the room, or the ship, or even the galaxy - for one brief moment, it was just the two of them.
"You were right a while ago," he said; "the Engineering crew don't need daily supervision. They certainly don't need twice or three-times daily visits from the CO."
Her mind raced, trying to make sense of the words in context.
He's not going to come down to deck 4 anymore? she wondered, feeling the beginnings of a pang of hurt which never had a chance to form before he continued speaking.
"I go there to see you," he said simply.
She blinked; once, twice. Her mouth formed a small 'o' in shock, though he couldn't see it. Her mind was jumble of half-finished questions.
"But... why?" she managed to whisper, and he once again wore that same sad smile.
"You really don't know, do you?" he asked. "I think about you a lot, Tali. About you, and... me. After a while, I can't think straight until I see you."
A part of her mind that wasn't frozen into inaction saw that some color had risen in his cheeks; something she'd never seen before. He looked at her for another moment longer, then glanced down at his own hands.
Did I just make the worst misjudgement of my life? he wondered, feeling an unpleasant clench in the pit of his stomach.
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable," he said, awkwardly. "I mean, I completely understand if you'd rather we just forget..."
Like a paused vid suddenly resuming motion, all of her thoughts fell into place at once with a simple realization.
He cares for me, she thought, awestruck by the fact of it. Her mind effortlessly served up dozens of corroborating incidents, all now seen in an entirely different light.
His visits to Engineering multiple times per day. The missions he chose her for, and those he didn't. His anger during her trial at the Migrant Fleet. The times he'd stand just a little too close to her, or brush against her. The barely-contained fury with which he dealt with anyone who made offensive remarks about her people. A hundred glances, almost every one with a smile.
Oh, John, she thought. She felt tears on her cheeks for the second time that evening, but this time they were welcome.
He had tailed off, not finishing his sentence, and had now cleared his throat. He looked almost as if he was going to get up, but he never had the chance to.
In a single smooth movement, she slid along the soft leather couch until she was next to him, and put her hand on his as he looked up in surprise.
"You have no idea how much I look forward to seeing you each day," she said. She looked at him intently, willing him to believe.
"I miss you a moment after you leave," she whispered, the softness of her voice and her distinctive accent raising goosebumps on his arms.
"I've... wished for so long that it could be me who gets to be with you," she finished, the emotion clear in her voice, glancing down as she was momentarily unable to meet his eyes.
Shepard lifted his other hand and gently tilted her chin back up towards him, and she saw something she had never imagined; a single tear tracing its way slowly down his face before being caught in the stubble of the day's beard growth.
"Tali..." he began, but for the moment there were no more words.
He pulled her to him, his arms went around her waist as hers snaked around his neck, and her head fell upon his chest.
He held her as she shook with silent tears, and though he couldn't see it, he knew she was smiling.