Summary
In which Itachi comes crawling back to his best friend in remorse. And, somehow, she doesn't seem to mind so bad...
A/N: Music note on this. I highly recommend listening to Nickelback's "Savin' Me" when you're reading this chapter. It ties in extremely well with the emotions that are being portrayed in here. For all of you that have been waiting so patiently for me to get my act in gear, I really apologize. For what it's worth, I do believe I'm back. Thank you sooo much for your continued support! I really really appreciate it!
Much love all!
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He'd tried to do the right thing. And yet, his good intentions had gone completely to waste.
Itachi was miserable, and it had only taken a week into his exile to realize that. Being good was harder than he would have ever thought it could be. He never imagined he'd make it so long without her. In the three months he'd been gone, his agitation had grown by leaps and bounds. His temper got the better of him more often than not. He worried constantly about if she was even safe. And his almost non-existent relationship with Madara had fallen to tatters. He was furious with the older Uchiha, and yet, he had no proof to show that he'd been the one that had tried to drown Kagome.
'Kagome... Are you safe?' He absently laid a hand across his heart. Even thinking her name hurt. Why did it hurt so much?
'Because I'm weak. I let her in, and now I can't let her go,' he thought, gritting his teeth and turning to storm back up to his room. He'd been coming down to get something to eat, but the moment he pictured going in there with the other members of his team, his appetite evaporated. Halfway back upstairs, he was stopped by an unexpected person.
"Itachi? Shouldn't you be downstairs?" Konan asked, turning the corner in front of him and tilting her head slightly. It was the only indication of any kind of emotion from her. The kunoichi's voice remained toneless and her expression never once flickered. It was a mask that the woman had perfected a long time ago.
"Not hungry," the Uchiha muttered, trying to sidle past the woman and return to the solitude of his room. She stopped him quickly by smacking her palm against the hall. Itachi blinked and slowly slide his gaze over to the blue-haired woman. Gone was the impassive expression. Instead, she looked righteously pissed off. It was one of the few times that he could remember her showing so much emotion.
That her ire was directed at him had him a little wary and on guard.
"I'm getting sick of your sulking! If you continue to act in such a manner, Leader-sama is going to notice," Konan hissed, glaring angrily. The Sharingan user merely sent her an annoyed glance before trying to move past her again.
"Uchiha don't sulk." Oh, so he was back to that mindset?
Konan bit the inside of her cheek and cursed inwardly. Had she known the younger man had been acting off sooner, she would have done something about it. Sadly, Itachi wasn't the easiest person to read; neither was she the best at reading emotions. His attitude recently, however, seemed to be stemming from something that Madara had done to the teen. The only female member in the organization had a pretty good idea that whatever had transpired between the two Uchiha had something to do with that little tea girl of Itachi's. The thought alone had even her annoyed at the older Sharingan user. Then again, she'd never liked Madara.
It was time to try a slightly different approach. And since he seemed to be channeling his former clan's beliefs...
"I thought you were someone that didn't give up so easily," Konan spat, glaring at the younger member in annoyance, "Where's that famous Uchiha pride your clan used to brag about?"
Itachi stared at the only female in the Akatsuki for a moment before throwing his head back and barking out a laugh. "Uchiha pride? Look where that got them. They're all dead. I killed them. The moment that happened, my pride died with them." The former heir leveled a Sharingan enhanced glare at the blue-haired woman, "I have... no pride. None left to use, to give... Nothing."
'What, exactly, is she talking about?'
"Were you not proud that she called you friend. That she cared about you?" How had the subject changed from pride to talking about her, of all people?
"To care would damn her for as long as she lived," he answered, the words so quiet Konan had to lean in to catch them, "I can't... I can't let another innocent life stain my hands. I would lead her into destruction. She can't follow me down this path."
They were silent for a moment before Konan did something rather unexpected. She raised her arms and pulled the Uchiha into a hug. "You can't decide for her if she wants to follow you, Itachi." Taking a deep breath, she continued, "All you can do is choose to protect her with everything you have when she says yes."
Tamping down on her emotions and the images of Yahiko flashing before her, Konan offered what little comfort she could give the S-Class criminal. "Don't let go of something that may be the greatest thing in your life. Loneliness... is a way of life to some. But... there are people that need other people. People to protect."
"You keep saying that," Itachi muttered, his breaths coming out in gasps, "Protect. What if you can't protect them?"
Sasuke flashed before him, young and seven again. Innocent, gullible, and completely maleable.
Kagome smiled happily at him as she showed him how to make cookies as the snow fell outside.
How could he hope to protect his important people if they were being targeted by someone even he couldn't quite defeat?
"You're not a killer, Itachi," Konan sighed, leaning back and brushing Itachi's bangs from his face, "You know that, somewhere in your heart, it's the truth. And, try as he might, Madara can't destroy that need inside you to protect someone."
Itachi bit the inside of his cheek, emotions warring inside him as badly as the time he made the decision to save his little brother by annihilating the clan.
"She needs you," the kunoichi spoke, conviction in her words.
"... I need to think," the Sharingan user finally whispered, backing away from the understanding shining in the amber eyes watching him and whirling away. He had to get out. He needed to get away.
He needed to be alone. He needed to understand why his heart clenched when he even thought of the word alone.
He left the Akatsuki hideout in a flurry of confusion.
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His feet carried him automatically throught the forest, trees blurring by as he jumped from branch to branch easily. It didn't really matter where he ended up; so long as he could figure out an answer as to why he felt so... desolate.
"I'm a fool. I've always been alone. There's no reason as to why I should worry about such a thing," Itachi snapped, glaring angrily at the passing scenery.
'There is an old saying that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone. I always thought it ridiculous, but now that I'm experiencing it for myself...' the Sharingan master thought, shaking his head almost absently as he performed a complicated flip in mid-air with an air of distraction.
Why was she the only thing he could see? Why did he feel like she could save him? It was ludacris!
'I can't let my emotions overrule everything I've been working towards.' Another part of his disagreed vehemently. That part of him wanted to be surrounded by people. That part of him that he'd supressed for so long was screaming to break free. He knew, though, that if he let it out, the consequences would be devestating. More than one life would end up being destroyed.
Why couldn't that side of him see that? That caring, pacifist side that he forced himself to bar away every time he had to accept a mission from Pein. Every time Madara gave him lessons in the art of killing. Those bonds he'd forced on himself always weakened when he was around Kagome. She soothed that tired piece of his soul that was furious about the lot he'd been dealt in life; about the injustice that he was forced to serve out in order to save his little brother. She understood. She understood!
'But does she really? I feel I can trust her, but can I trust myself?'
Blinking suddenly, he came back to himself and realized with a jolt that he was standing outside her door for the first time in three months. Sucking in a breath in shock, he couldn't believe that he hadn't been watching where he was going! How could he have been so careless? To end up at her doorstep once again was inconceivably ironic.
'Can I really prevent her from being hurt by me; whether intentionally or not?' Reaching out a hand, he grasped the doorknob and turned. It clicked open and he shook his head ruefully. She never locked the door, despite every time he protested! It really bothered him that she would be so careless. Maybe he'd show her why. 'Some random person could just wander in and kill her, damn it! Has she no sense of self-preservation? Was my exile completely in vain?'
Riding on his annoyance, he crept on silent feet into the house that he'd started to call home. Everything looked the same. Had it really been three months since he'd been here? While he'd been emtionally tormenting himself, it seemed that all was well here.
'Maybe... It is better this way,' Itachi thought, sliding along the wall and feeling distinctly like he was breaking some sacred code. He wasn't supposed to be here... right?
Right?
'Just one look. It will settle my nerves and allow me to move on permenantly.' He passed down the hall that led to the rest of the house, the sharp scent of acrylics filling his nose.
'She's painting...' A memory flashed in his mind; of another time when she'd shown him her picture of another woman that looked similarly like her. Kikyo had been her name.
"I was so homesick for everyone that I holed myself up in here and drew and painted until I'd made a little peace with not being able to go back."
Was she doing the same thing now? What could she possibly be upset about? Fury filled him at the thought, and he swore he would find out and make that person sorry. Ducking into the den, he noted several things scattered around the cozy room. He could remember dozing off in this same room on more than one occasion. Books here and there; paints placed haphazardly around the coffee table. But no sign of the woman he was searching for. At the moment, though, he wasn't concerned with that. His eyes were drawn to the portrait the priestess had been working on.
It was him. It had to have been the first time they'd met too. He was holding a tiny bottle of nail polish and looking a little frustrated. Kagome obviously paid attention to details; the former heir could almost believe that his picture self would step out of the canvas at any moment.
'... But... Why me?' His gaze caught another picture. He was dressed in his Akatsuki cloak, staring up at something with a slightly surpised look as the sun filtered light through the trees...
'I remember that day. I was supposed to meet Zetsu and she found me somehow.' It took him a moment to realize it, but then he could have smacked himself. These two pictures were from her point of view! He looked a little more closely then. Had she really surprised him that day in the tree? And then a thought caught him.
'Could she possibly be upset because of my abrupt departure?' If that were the case, he wouldn't need to make himself feel sorry. He already felt incredibly guilty.
A sound in the direction of the kitchen reminded him of the fact that he was definitely not alone in the house.
'Time to figure out why she's being so reckless.' On silent feet, Itachi crept into the kitchen and up behind the absent-minded priestess. What he really wanted to do was storm in there and demand her to be more wary, but he was almost afraid that she'd try to instinctively kill him with a kitchen knife... or purify him.
"You're lucky I'm not an enemy," he whispered right into her ear, making her jerk suddenly and drop the cup of tea she'd been holding. It shattered loudly and the noise made him want to wince. It was a good thing there wasn't any tea in it. She whipped around, her long hair swishing around her erratically, and faced him in shock.
"Ita-!"
"Don't!" the Sharingan master hissed, clapping a hand over her mouth and glaring at her. The steely glint in his eyes melted away as he looked her over to make sure she was okay. Why did she look so tired? Had she lost some weight?
Kagome stood frozen, unsure of what to do. For one, she wanted to throw herself at the Uchiha and thank the gods that he was okay while sobbing into his familiar black cloak. For another, she wanted to beat the living daylights out of him for worrying her so much. Did he have any idea how upset she'd been when he just up and left?
"You... left the door unlocked," Itachi finally finished lamely, inwardly wanting to punch himself. Three months ago, he'd thought about what he'd say. What excuses he could make to melt away the anger. Now...
"I... I know. Otherwise, you'd crawl in through the window," the priestess answered, her words muffled a little by his hand.
"I... see," he replied hesitantly, letting his hand drop as he cradled her face gently. Her skin was still soft, just like he'd remembered. She stood achingly still, wondering what he was going to do next. Worry and reassurance were warrring it out inside her, and worry was winning.
Which meant she was getting angry again.
Itachi raised his other hand, almost in a trance, and pushed her bangs out of her face. In the next heartbeat, he pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her; the first time he ever intiated physical contact with her, and reassuring himself that, yes, she was standing right in front of him. Yes, she was alive and breathing. Yes, all the old emotions that he thought he'd buried visciously three months ago were surfacing again with a vengance. Worry was laid to rest. Anxiety was no longer an issue. The hot ball of anger clenched in his chest was sputtering out into nothing.
'I missed this,' the former heir thought absently, letting his fingers drag through the dark-haired girl's long hair gently. It was still so very soft.
'I missed... her.'
Being with her felt like... like...
'Like finally coming home after a long war,' he thought, burying his nose in her sweet smelling hair as an almost giddy feeling he didn't quite understand started to overtake him. He'd missed that too. And her laugh. And her smiles. And her hands-
She pushed away from him and he felt the sting on his cheek before he really realized it.
-slapping the crap out of him? Yeah. He didn't miss that. At all. Why did she slap him?
"Why did you-!"
Kagome shrieked angrily and stalked away from the Uchiha, and he stopped talking abruptly when she rounded on him, an unholy fury lit in her blue eyes. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but she looked absolutely terrifying like that. Not even under pain of death.
"Don't you dare ask me that! Do you know how worried I was, Itachi Uchiha? You stupid-! Yes! I called you stupid! NO! YOU WILL STAND THERE AND NOT MOVE! How could you-! I can't believe-! I thought you were dead! I thought someone had killed you or kidnapped you! DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK, PAL! I DID SAY KIDNAPPED! I thought you were lost! I thought-" her voice broke, no longer able to support her shouting and she whipped away from him with tears in her eyes, "I thought... you hated me. That you didn't want anything to do with me anymore." She turned back and he visibly flinched at the absolute misery in her blue eyes.
"Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?" It made his heart clench painfully to hear her say that. "Is that... why you left?"
"... I deserved this, I suppose," he finally sighed, letting his hand drop from his stinging cheek, "The yelling, the screaming... that slap." She lowered her head so that her shaggy bangs covered her eyes.
"I was... I was worried, Itachi," the priestess croaked out, wincing in pain. She'd screamed herself hoarse at this point, "You're my only friend in this world. I was worried sick. I couldn't even... I was about to quit work. I failed the entrance exam at the hospital. I stopped going to the new orphange because Shizuka and the other kids kept asking about you! It hurt-!"
"To not know?" he interrupted quietly, cutting her off suddenly. He closed the few dozen steps between them restlessly and gripping her arms tightly, "To not have any inkling about whether or not you were safe? To cut myself off so abruptly? To just... leave? Do you think it was any easier for me? I never asked for this!"
Kagome stared up at him, wide-eyed and just a little afraid. What... was going on?
"I never asked for you to talk to me about nail polish!" the Sharingan user hissed, dark eyes livid and his voice beginning to rise, "I never asked for you to let that monster of a dog knock me over and drool all over me! I never asked for you to get sick from standing in the rain, thereby guilting me into caring about your health! I never asked to be treated the way you've treated me!" At this point, he was the one shouting hoarsely. "To actually be respected and spoken to like I'm not a wanted fugitive that slaughtered everyone I ever cared about! To be forced to push the only living relative I have into the role of avenger to give him even the tiniest chance of survival! To be accepted completely and fully by someone that I shouldn't get involved with! To be given gifts and memories I don't need! I never-!"
Itachi froze, the words he'd been saying finally catching up with him as he watched Kagome with wide eyes.
'I... I didn't...'
"... You... what?"
"..."
'This... this wasn't how I was supposed to tell her. It was supposed to be different. I-!' His lungs seized for a moment in his panic and the room spun as he coughed harshly.
"Itachi!"
Somehow, she was still next to him, almost carrying him to the kitchen sink before he coughed up blood into it. Dizzily, he began to realize that it was a lot more than usual.
'I'm... getting worse. But... Why? I've been so careful-!' Gagging again, he leaned over the sink once more.
"Itachi! What's wrong? Why-! What's going on?" He could hear her frantically calling for him; he couldn't respond. Wouldn't be able to until the fit passed. Shaking his head, he feebily pushed her away as he continued coughing. A moment later, he felt her healing powers stir to life as she laid her hands on his back. It was soothing, but pointless.
"Don't. You can't... You can't fix this."
"Ye-yes I can. Let me help you! I can fix-!"
"There's no cure," Itachi finally wheezed, steadying himself on the counter and pulling the roll of paper towels towards him. Leaning over, he flipped on the tap and drank straight from it, rinsing his mouth out, "There's no cure. I've looked. There is no way to fix this unless I find one of the best healers out there. Unfortunately, I know she wouldn't help me."
"What..." Kagome started, swallowing the urge to suddenly cry. Deep in her gut, she knew what his answer to her next question would be, "What do you mean 'There's no cure'?"
He staggered over to his designated chair and collapsed tiredly into it. She'd never seen him look so... tired. So... defeated. It wasn't right.
"I'm dying."
Her hands clenched tightly, and she shook her head visciously. Denial surged harshly through her. He couldn't say that! Not when she'd just gotten him back!
"You can't fix me, Kagome," he chuckled mockingly, smirking when she stared at him sadly, "I'm not worth saving anyway."
"You..." the priestess hissed suddenly, looking furious again. He flinched inwardly. There was no way he had the energy to go toe-to-toe with her right now. "Don't. You. Dare."
"Don't what! Say that? Please, I came to terms with my eventual death a long time ago."
"NO! Don't say that you're not worth saving! You're worth it! And I say so!" Kagome snapped, snatching his wrist suddenly when he tried to rise and bringing her face within inches of his, "You think I'll just let you walk away like that? Tell me everything you know about this... whatever it is!"
"Lung disease," the former heir supplied thickly, tugging at his capture wrist. She dropped it quickly, "I caught it at some point in my childhood. Hell, I never should have been a ninja. My health wasn't supposed to allow it. But, father pushed, and I obeyed; like the fool I was. I don't know the name, as there's very little research done on it. All I know is that everyone that has had it dies eventually, depending on how much strain you put on the body."
"And as a ninja, you do a lot more than you're really supposed to," the priestess muttered, looking upset all over again, "You... you said some things earlier. Are they... Are they true?"
Itachi bit the inside of his cheek and cursed himself again. She really had been paying attention to what he'd been shouting. Finally, after a moment, he nodded. "I owe you... an explanation about that."
"You don't have to right now. You've been through a lot today. It's okay." Kagome wanted to give him a chance to recover before she grilled him about all the nerve-racking things he'd shouted at her.
"And yet, here I am; back for more emotional abuse. I wasn't supposed to become attached, you know. I just... You see me as human. And that is something that no one has ever bothered to understand." Itachi said it so casually, you'd think he was talking about the weather.
"I wouldn't..." the dark haired girl licked her lips and locked eyes with him, "I would never try to purposely hurt you, Itachi. I've said things that were wrong. I let my temper get the better of me. But, you're someone I care a great deal about. I would never want to hurt you intentionally."
"I know that. And yet... I shouldn't be forming these attachments. I shouldn't be reaching out," the former heir sighed, holding out a hand and taking one of her's unexpectedly. Pulling it close, he stared down at her small fingers and rubbed his thumb over the back of her palm. "But... I don't want to let go."
A moment that seemed a lifetime later, Kagome stepped close and let him lean into her. "Then don't. Don't let go. I won't let you fall, Itachi. You're not alone anymore."
'I know. And that's what scares me more than anything.' The Sharingan user let out a breath and rested his head against her side. Despite the fears, he was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace; of true belonging. One that he'd never thought he'd have the chance to enjoy.
"... Okay." She smiled, finally understanding that this time, he was actually saying,
"Thank you."
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Show me what it's like
to be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
and I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me, say it to me
and I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
-Nickelback, Savin' Me
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A/N: Oh dear. He seems to have let his past slip out. It was not my intention to do that, either. I do like how it turned out though. Kagome will have her answers very shortly. First, she's gotta fix Itachi. He's made a very important decision now, as far as emotionally goes. Let's just hope he can stick with it this time. Stubborn Uchiha.
Konan managed to worm her way back into the storyline. Yay for Konan-help!
Anyways, lots of drama in this chapter! Their reunion wasn't quite what you thought it would be, was it? Now she knows he's sick. Don't think Kagome won't try to do something about it. She will try. Trust me. Their emotional situation has been upped a little more, so that means even more fluffy possibilities. Oh joy and rainbows.
New poll put up. I'm not sure how it happened, but the old one got erased. Now, though, there are lots more choices, so I hope you'll participate!
Don't forget to leave a review!