Now this is not the end. This is not even the beginning of the end. It is only perhaps the end of the beginning.
- Admiral Constance Vaugh
"I suppose I feel as though it is strange to be here, even though I always knew it was coming," Thane spoke with resolve, as though he had just finished a grand and important statement, even though neither of them had spoken for almost five minutes. His dark eyes were far away, the way they got when he stepped out of the present and into his memories for a while.
"Right," Shepard nodded. "For sure. I don't suppose you'd care to elaborate a bit on that thought?"
Thane chuckled, the gravelly cadence of his voice making it sound almost like a purr. Shepard congratulated himself internally, and chalked his grand total up to five.
"Conversing with humans is strange," he said conversationally, as though he were answering Shepard's question in some way. "You're so direct."
"Point A to point B, that's humanity," Shepard shrugged and picked up his mug. "It gets the job done."
Drinking Drell candle tea was a slightly disconcerting experience, it swirled like liquid sunlight in the cup, strong enough to cast a glow over Thane's features when he leaned in to take a sip. It was fiercely spicy and citrusy, pleasantly sour and it numbed his tongue every time he took a mouthful. Shepard loved it.
"I had heard it said human conversation was not artful. I'm inclined to agree with that statement, but I don't think it's an insult as it was intended to be at the time," he smiled. "I hope that reassures you. I don't want you to think I don't enjoy your company."
"As long as you keep providing this tea I'm going to inflict myself on you whether you like it or not, Krios."
"Had I opened this conversation with a Drell, my companion would have spent several minutes thinking about what I said before continuing. Instead of asking me what I meant, he would have thought about what I said and figured it out for himself," Thane explained. "Among the Drell, and among the Asari to I think, conversation is an art form."
"It seems like that leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings," Shepard observed wryly. "Especially in your line of work."
"Perhaps, perhaps not. I have seen humans interact with each other, and for all your direct conversation you are an emotionally a subtle species. Very rarely does a human simply say what is on his mind, instead it is all double-entendres and implication. That is not how Drell interact, what is said among us is what is in the heart. Thus, as two people come to speak more often they know each other better and their conversation becomes more beautiful."
Shepard frowned, thinking about all that. It sounded like a lot of work, but he could see the appeal to. So many people never seemed to listen when you talked and so many others weren't worth listening to when they got going, it might be nice to have a Drell standard of attention paid to something as simple as conversation. Then again...
"But what about stuff like... Kasumi and Taylor? She doesn't say anything because she knows he's not interested, he doesn't pay attention to anything that goes on outside the armoury so he never hears anything and both of them are better for it," he shuddered. "It sounds like if they were Drell the situation would be a lot more complicated."
"Yes, well, humans are strange in their pair-bonding as well," Thane observed wryly. "A species that turns affection into a burden... that took me several periods of long reflection to understand."
"Are you saying that wouldn't be the most awkward thing since ever?" Shepard sipped his tea. "I call bullshit."
"All affection, whether it is felt mutually or not, improves the lives of all it touches," Thane replied. "It should be seen as a gift and celebrated, not hidden away inside ourselves where no one can appreciate that we're capable of feeling it."
Shepard frowned. His thoughts had been straying back to Alenko with increasing frequency over the last little while, ever since they had returned from the Geth base and set a course for the Omega-4 Relay. He was sailing to his doom, like a hero from the Greek tragedies of old and all he could think of was Alenko ducking his chin down as he blushed, that stupid tattoo he had, the certain kind of smile he got when Shepard was forcing him to do something stupid and silly for no reason. It was a sharp, painful feeling and no matter how he positioned himself it always seemed to be cutting into him at one angle or another.
"What about when it doesn't do anything but hurt?" He asked. "On both sides. What good is it doing then?" He sounded unaccountably bitter at the moment, and put his cup down on the table suddenly finding the tea unpalatable.
"Hm, yes, I'd heard about you and the Alliance soldier."
Shepard's head snapped up, heat flooding his face as his heart surged against the inside of his rib cage. He attempted to keep his face neutral, but he was pretty sure his blush gave him away. He could feel his cheeks and the backs of his ears burning as red as his hair.
"What do you mean?" He squeaked, not sounding at all as casual as he'd been attempting to sound.
"Commander Alenko. There's been some speculation among crew members about the extent of your relationship. I understand that you were very upset when he confronted you on the Horizon colony," his eyes narrowed slightly, "something about drinking until you vomited on the shuttle back from the planet's surface..."
"Garrus," Shepard cursed, glaring through the wall at the direction of the forward battery. "I should have known, he acts all hard with his sniper rifle and his battle scars but he's gossipy as a school girl."
"I cannot help but observe that you did not deny the allegations," Thane observed.
"Look," Shepard sighed, "there's never been anything like that between Kaidan and me. He was my best friend though, I loved him like a brother, or at least I think so, and now... He thinks I betrayed him. Which is terrible, and I know he's hurting and that's why he's so angry, but I'm more angry, because he actually thinks I'm capable of working for Cerberus, of turning my back on the Alliance... and because he thinks I would ever turn my back on him. I thought he trusted me, but obviously he never really did."
"It is a somewhat fantastical story, Shepard."
"I know it is, but Garrus believes me, and Tali and Liara and Wrex all believe me, Anderson, Admiral Hackett, and now a bunch of strangers who don't know me from Adam have no problem believing I'm back from the dead to fight for humanity. But not him." Shepard shook his head in disgust, he leaned back in his seat and cross both arms over his chest, glaring moodily away at the opposite wall. "Not the one person I was really counting on."
"I understand. So you hate Commander Alenko?"
"What?" Shepard blinked, returning to the conversation from his mire of black emotions. "No. Of course not. But I'm angry, and when I think about him it's like swallowing a bag of ice. There's nothing good about what's going on between us."
"But he's what you're thinking about now, as the mouth of Hell looms in our future," Thane observed.
He'd thought about Kaidan at the end of everything before. As his fingers slipped away from consciousness above Alchera he had thought about Kaidan, and that strange spark hovering in the air between them. He'd been sad then. He was angry now, and it was a very different experience.
"Loving someone other than ourselves is the best thing any of us can do with our lives," Thane said lightly. "It gives us the greatest strength we will ever know. Even when it causes us pain, it's always worthwhile. And as long as you're both still alive, the story isn't over, that thought should give you hope as well. Strength and hope is what we get from loving one another."
Shepard sat back and thought about that for several minutes as Thane poured himself more tea. It was quite the thought. Like so much else, his feelings for Kaidan had felt like a burden since coming back to life. Just one more thing about his former life that had turned to shit over the last few years.
"That's... quite the statement." He said finally.
"My relationship with my son has changed a number of things for me," Thane confessed. "I look at old memories that once held nothing but despair with new eyes and see so much worth taking strength from. It is a better way to live."
"I think you're right about that," Shepard drank the last of his tea before it got any colder. He couldn't stop being angry at Kaidan for what had happened between them, but he didn't have to let it weigh him down. If nothing else, he wanted to see him again so they could talk when he wasn't shell shocked and reeling. There were a number of colourful things Shepard wanted to say to him.
"Maybe there's something to this artful conversation stuff," he confessed, "but I don't know if it's for me. I tend to go with loud and explosive, and it's been working out for me so far."
"I certainly can't argue with your results," Thane agreed. "But this was a very artful conversation, Shepard. Thank you."
"Hey, no problem," Shepard pushed himself to his feet. "Usually in the Alliance we just grab-ass and hit each other, so it's nice to experience different kinds of friendship. Good luck out there, Krios, and good hunting. I've got your back."
"And I am at your shoulder, Shepard, always. I'm very proud to be here with you," he smiled, "I am proud to call you my friend."
They clasped hands over the table. Shepard couldn't say when exactly it had happened but life on the SR2 had become normal for him, almost homey, the way the original Normandy had felt back in the days. There were some things he could never fix, some things that would never be the same, but he was happy here, as happy as he could be. Or he had been, until the Collectors had snatched his crew away. They smiled at each other once more before their hands dropped and Shepard excused himself.
He knew better than to head to the forward battery. Garrus got silent and cold before a big fight, and though he'd be polite if Shepard forced his way in his head would be miles away from any conversation they might attempt to have. Tali got nervous and hiccoughed at times like this, and Jack was prowling like a tiger in a cage below, a dangerous sign. Shepard headed up to the combat deck and right. Mordin was at his terminal in the tech lab, typing away diligently even now.
"Mordin," Shepard said breathily, running his fingers through his hair to give it a windblown, reckless tumble. He unclasped the first button of his uniform and pulled the zipper down a little, exposing a line of nut brown skin.
"Shepard. How can I help?" Mordin asked, not looking up from his work.
"I can't deny my feelings for you anymore," Shepard confessed, folding one hand against his forehead as he fanned himself with the other, his face twisting into a mask of longing. "It's just too hard. Now, before the end comes, I just need you to hold me, Mordin."
"Shepard," Mordin was looking up now, his broad weathered face politely confused. "We talked about this..."
"Don't push me away!" Shepard cried, striding toward him. Mordin retreated, almost stumbling over himself in his haste to get away. "I know that somewhere in there you feel the same way as I do! Don't fight this!"
"Impossible!" Mordin assured him desperately as Shepard lunged across the station at him. He jumped back like he was dodging an angry varren. "Flattered by the attention, Shepard, really. But simply impossible!"
"Take me now, Mordin! Right here on this table!"
Mordin's eyes narrowed with sudden suspicion as Shepard languished for all he was worth, one hand stretched out toward him as the other clasped tight against his breast. Shepard sighed dramatically, lifting the hand on his chest to his forehead and flopping dramatically on the counter, absolutely distraught with longing.
"I ache for you!" He said, clawing at the air between them.
"Shepard..."
"Every moment we're apart is an eternity of agony my darling! Fly to me!"
"Shepard..."
It was too much for him. He clutched the edge of the counter and laughed, convulsively, as Mordin scowled at him. It had been a long time since anything was this funny and Shepard enjoyed himself, doubling over and breathing hard between residual bursts of laughter as Mordin crossed his arms over his chest.
"Terrifying, Shepard," he said shaking his head slowly, "absolutely terrifying."
"Gee, thanks," Shepard rolled his eyes, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and rubbing at his aching stomach. He felt limp after that explosion of emotion, spent, but in a good way.
"Sure that any hormonal sentient would love to have you. Human, Turian, lusty Elcor," he waved his hand as if to say 'etcetera,' "but Salarians have no hormonal drives. Physical relationships, sticky, uncomfortable-"
"Disappointing for everyone involved," Shepard nodded. "I get it Mordin, don't worry. You aren't my type anyway."
"I understand. Physical power attracted to physical power, not intellect," Mordin nodded knowingly.
"Yeah, I mean Captain Kirrahe really did it for me," Shepard rolled his eyes. "I'm really getting the no understanding of hormone driven species. And I resent the implication that I'm a dumb jarhead, I thought you knew me better."
"Of course, apologies. Enormous respect for your intellect, Shepard, very impressive especially for a soldier with no formal academic education. Joke about Krogan in lightspeed vacuum very amusing," Mordin laughed at the memory. "Keen mind for mathematics, I know all of this. I was referring to your relationship with the Alliance marine."
Shepard stared at him.
"Does everyone know about that?" He asked helplessly.
"Small ship, talk travels fast," Mordin shrugged, "nothing to be ashamed of. All hormonal relationships are complicated."
"No offense, but I'm really not comfortable having this conversation with you," Shepard poked at his terminal, scrolling through columns of unfamiliar Salarian numerals. "Did you manage to do anything with those scans you took?"
"Yes!" Mordin brightened up and walked around to his terminal again. With a few keystrokes he brought up a holographic model of Shepard's body, cybernetics and synthetic enhancements picked out throughout the muscles and bones in bright orange light. "Very interesting. Based on current state of bodily systems and projected functions of cybernetics your organic tissues regenerate at a massive rate. If projections hold true... implications for life span, general health, aging, all very good. You are the picture of health, Shepard. No need for concern."
"Well, that's good I suppose," Shepard examined the constellation of light that glowed between the holograms ears. His brain was a labyrinth of orange light, three pounds of technological witchcraft he would need approximately a lifetime of education to even begin to understand. "Did you figure out what all that is?"
"Ah, yes, the brain. The brain is... very complicated Shepard, I'm sure you know, even without cybernetics. Some of it is simply processors, expansion of data retention capabilities, enhanced processing power for sensory perception..."
"Check and check," Shepard confirmed. "But there's nothing sinister in there? No control chips or kill switches?"
"No," Mordin gave him a quizzical look. "You were expecting something else?"
"Not expecting them, no," Shepard zipped his uniform back up, flattening the seams so they sat with proper military crispness. As much as he enjoyed the freedoms of not serving on a strictly military ship he was always fastidiously neat. It was probably a reaction to having been so filthy for so long. "Just wanted to confirm it, I guess. Thanks for running these tests for me, Mordin."
"Plenty of time. Also, came up with new joke," he tapped on his omni-tool and Shepard's lit up in response. Shepard pulled up the message Mordin had sent him and examined the complex columns of equations that described a Quarian grandmother knitting the universe into existence. It was really very clever, if you had a working understanding of particle physics. Shepard laughed.
"Also, after running a few simulations managed to generate new stimulant regimen. Should be at least twenty three percent more effective," Mordin sent him that as well. "Glad to be able to do my part, Shepard. Thank you for trusting me."
"Of course I trust you, you're my truest love remember?" Shepard grinned and Mordin gave him a playful shove on the arm.
"Data has finished compiling. Work to do."
"Whatever you say, Mordin. See you on the other side of this."
"Looking forward to it, Shepard."