Not all men find peace within themselves. Sometimes we must venture beyond our inner kingdoms and touch other lives, kindling flames between ourselves and the universe to warm our souls and see us safely into eternity.
- K'rell Skytoma, Drell Mystic
Not all his dreams were dark and twisted things. While Shepard found his dreaming feet often followed unhappy trails there were also nights where he forced himself to lay down on his stomach in the big, comfortable bed, ignoring the void yawning behind the skylight, and floated through pleasant spaces and went about unspectacular chores. He found most of his more pleasant dreams to be disturbingly mundane.
He was dreaming about the orange grove outside the boot camp in Spring Hill when the call woke him, its alarm shattering the stillness of his cabin. Or maybe he'd been dreaming about taking a bath. Now that he thought about it, he might have been dreaming about both at the same time. He rolled over and retrieved his omni-tool from his bedside table, wondering who would be calling him over his personal channel like this instead of through the ships communication signal.
"Kaidan," he said groggily as he clicked the 'accept call' option, "you always catch me when I'm at my finest."
"If I didn't know you better I'd wonder how much time you're actually spending saving the galaxy," Kaidan's laugh was shattered by a buzz of static, but the signal stabilized after a moment. Shepard propped himself up in bed and slipped the data jack of his omni-tool into the mobile platform he had been reading from before he fell asleep. The image was clearer than the semi-translucent orange sheen of a holographic display.
"Look at you," he grinned, settling back against the head board and running his fingers through his hair, in an attempt to tease it into a more pleasing shape, "you're almost good-looking again."
"I could say the same to you, except you were never good-looking to begin with," Kaidan replied. His bruises were nothing more than yellowish shadows around his eyes and he had apparently healed cleanly enough that he was allowed to wander around out of bed, because Shepard couldn't see the pillow behind his head.
"It hurts me when you say things like that," Shepard yawned, rubbing sleep out of his eye with the heel of his hand.
"You must be sleepy if you can't even come up with a decent comeback."
"Kaidan," Shepard whined, "I revolutionized galactic history today, stop picking on me. Or at least wait a few minutes so I can wake up enough to pick back."
"Fair enough," Kaidan laughed, but it petered off after a couple seconds and he looked uncertain. "I wasn't sure if I should call..."
"Of course you should have," Shepard sat up straighter. "I'm, uh... glad you did."
"I'm glad that you're glad," Kaidan replied. "It's good to see you're in one piece, Shepard."
They smiled at each other for a moment, and it was only a little uncomfortable. Shepard was suddenly painfully aware of his shirtless, sleep-tousled state and thought about excusing himself and putting on a uniform. He could have sworn he saw Kaidan's eyes wander a little bit at the beginning of their conversation though, and he wanted to hold onto that hope for a moment so he left it.
He had been thinking about Kaidan a lot over the last few days. He didn't know what to call the emotions that surfaced when he did. One part nauseous dread to one part sexual frustration to one part unknowable, giddy happiness.
"I saw the vids, what happened to Cuba," Kaidan said after a moment, leaning forward towards whatever device he was using to capture his image. His eyes softened, Shepard could see it even on his little screen. "I'm sorry, Shepard."
"Yeah," Shepard nodded, "me too. How's your family? Have you heard from them yet?"
"Not yet," he glanced away at something off screen, "still hoping, though."
"Communications are down all over. I'm sure they're just waiting for a chance to call you."
It was frustrating to look down at Kaidan's face cradled between his hands and know that he was in pain, and yet have absolutely no way to reassure him. He settled for a watery smile, his fingers tightening on the edges of the screen. It was in little moments like these that he really felt the true effects of the war and what it took from all of them. It shouldn't be this hard to care about someone.
"So you cured the Genophage and brokered an alliance between the Krogan and the Turians," Kaidan said, looking back at the camera. "And brought the Rachni back to life, let's not forget that. And played a direct hand in revolutionizing humanity's place in the galaxy, though that was more of a side project," he laughed, managing a grin that looked to be mostly genuine. "Got any other galaxy-shaking plans for the next couple weeks, Shepard?"
"Nothing on my schedule," Shepard replied, "but you know me, I like to play it by ear. Who knows, maybe I'll feel like uplifting the Yaug later."
"What?"
"Long story. Good one though, Liara becomes the Shadowbroker at the end."
"What?"
"Oh right, you didn't know about that," Shepard laughed, settling back on his bed with his head propped up on his hand and the screen propped up by a pillow beside him. "Have you got half an hour or so?"
"For that story I have all the time in the world, and then more time for the one about Tuchanka. There's some crazy story about a giant thresher maw devouring a Reaper," Kaidan arched a skeptical eyebrow at him.
"Not so crazy, though I don't think she actually ate it," Shepard replied, laughing.
"Okay, maybe tell the Tuchanka story first."
Shepard laughed.
It was becoming easy to talk to Kaidan again, like anything became easier with practise. It was like flexing a muscle that had fallen into disuse, and he could feel the strength and dexterity slowly returning as they went on. Their conversation had felt stiff before, but it flowed naturally as he described the feeling of standing on Tuchanka as the golden light of the Cure came floating down on them like snowflakes.
It had been a moment that would define a species, but it had defined a man as well. He couldn't pretend that he didn't have doubts, but he'd never let them inspire a moment of hesitation in him. Curing the Genophage was a huge risk, the repercussions of which would echo through galactic history for another thousand years or more, but he'd never considered the thought that there was another option.
It was right. That wild instinct throbbing in his blood told him it was right with such force that he could actually feel it sitting in his bones. No one had any right to sentence the Krogan to this fate, especially not the Dalatrass with her ass-backwards, elitist, unforgivable speeches about their only purpose being war. What did she know? What did any of them really know about the Krogan and how they had evolved over the last one and a half thousand years? No one paid attention enough to know, except him and he knew just one thing with certainty: what had been done to them was arrogant and depraved and he couldn't stand by and let it continue.
That was what no one had understood. Wrex certainly hadn't, not until the very end. When he'd told Wrex he wanted to save people, he had been including the Krogan in that number. Their plight was as important to him as any other, and he'd fought with his whole heart and soul in its name.
And when they had fought their way inch by inch through Hell and Mordin had done what he had done the feeling that had come over his battered, aching body had been indescribable. He had felt like he was floating half an inch off the ground, like all the darkness in him was finally being burned completely clean.
He had been a junkie and a murderer, he had done awful and unforgivable things, but he had done this thing to. He felt redeemed, like he could hold his head up without shame and face his destiny knowing his life had been a benefit to the galaxy. It was a good feeling.
It was funny that of all the people living in this galaxy he was the one writing his name across history. He laughed about it with Kaidan, laying on his back while he held the screen over his head with one hand.
"God," he said, still chuckling, "if you'd come up to me on the street eight years ago and told me this was where my life was going to end up taking me I would have... I don't know. Robbed you at knifepoint probably."
"Yeah, that beacon on Eden Prime sure threw a wrench in our destiny didn't it Shepard?" Kaidan had found a seat somewhere in his room and was sitting with his back to the faultlessly blue Presidium sky.
"Destiny, yeah," Shepard rolled his eyes, "tell me you don't believe in that garbage."
"Maybe not," Kaidan replied soberly, "but if anyone could make a case for it, it's you. Messed up kid becomes saviour of the galaxy, dies, comes back, and becomes saviour of the galaxy again. You might not see the hand of the God in your life, but other people sure do."
"You'd think that if God was overly concerned about me and what I did with myself he would have given me a better start that Trinidad," Shepard replied wryly.
"I can't fault your logic," Kaidan agreed. "When are you going to be back on the Citadel?"
"We're heading back soon, just have to check out a few promising signals coming from some of the systems around here," Shepard said lightly. He rolled over on his stomach and lay on his stomach with his head proper up by both hands, looking down into the image of Kaidan's face.
"Is that your way of saying you have to go poking around Reaper space on covert missions?" Kaidan asked, arching an eyebrow at him.
"Yeah, but when you say it that way it sounds dangerous and terrifying," Shepard pointed out.
"Yeah," Kaidan said frankly, "it does."
"It is," Shepard sighed, "God Kaidan, everything's so intense out here, I almost never slow down long enough to realize..." He shook his head, snapping himself out of that train of thought with a jerk. "Hah, listen to me ramble-"
"No, keep going," Kaidan shook his head.
"It's not important."
"It's fine. I want to hear it."
Shepard sighed, rubbing at his eyes with one hand as he framed a response in his mind.
"I never realize I'm afraid until everything's over, and I'm in my cabin all freshly changed and showered. I sit down and this wave of nausea and terror just comes over me until I shake. It's never been like this before. I just..."
"I just have this feeling, you know, like I'm finally becoming a real person. During the suicide mission I had the Asari Justicar who was traveling with us teach me meditation and lately every time I get into it I just feel this really deep inner peace that I've never had before. I have my doubts and my nightmares, but they're so small compared to how they used to be. I really feel... like I'm the kind of person I've always wanted to be. I feel complete." He squirmed a little, hiding his eyes behind one hand as an involuntary rush of colour spread across his cheeks. It was embarrassing, for some reason, to hear it said out loud like that.
"That sounds terrific," Kaidan said, not even a hint of mockery playing around the edge of his voice. His soft brown eyes were very serious. "So what's the problem?"
"I'm used to feeling like I have nothing to lose and nothing to fear. The more I get in my life, the closer I get to people, the more I feel like I have to lose if... if I can't actually do this. If I die tomorrow I'm going to die wishing I had more time. That's... new for me." He trailed off, avoiding Kaidan's eyes for a moment because he wasn't sure what his own might still be capable of communicating. Most people found his mechanical eyes to be blank, almost void of emotions, but Kaidan had always been far too adept at reading him.
Kaidan was quiet for a moment.
"Look, Shepard, I'm getting out of the hospital tomorrow and I was thinking that maybe you'd... I don't know. Want to get a drink or something," he hesitated, drawing in a breath like he was going to say more, but letting it out silently.
"Yeah," Shepard smiled, glancing back at the screen, "did that place we went to for varren burgers with Ash get rebuilt?"
"I don't know, I'll check," Kaidan smiled. There was a sense of uncertainty in the air that Shepard wasn't sure if Kaidan was feeling as powerfully as him. They both knew what was going on between them, but Shepard wasn't sure if he was willing to act on it, and he damn well wasn't sure if Kaidan was. Was this drinks or was it... drinks? Shepard had no idea, and he was pretty sure Kaidan was equally clueless.
They would just have to play it by ear. Suddenly Shepard longed for a script that would explain all this to him and give him exactly the right words to say as it explained to him exactly how he was supposed to feel. Sorting out his feelings for Kaidan was much harder than navigating galactic politics by the seat of his pants.
"I've been watching you on the vids," Kaidan said, "I forget what it's like to actually talk to you. You come off as kind of an asshole on camera, I have to say."
"That's intentional," Shepard assured him, "and I also just really hate reporters."
"I saw that you clocked Al-Jilani again," he actually looked a little disapproving.
"I know, it's like a schtick now but," he shrugged, "she just works so hard to earn it. I feel like it would be wrong not to indulge her. And anyway, someone has to punch reporters once in a while. It keeps them on their toes."
Kaidan laughed, then glanced at his omni-tool as it lit up on his wrist.
"We've been talking for two and a half hours," he exclaimed. "I've got to go, Shepard. One last physical before the doctor slaps his seal of approval on me and I get out of here."
"Yeah, I should have been on duty thirty minutes ago," Shepard sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "I... I'm really glad you called."
"So am I. Take care of yourself, Shepard. Keep Vakarian on your six," Kaidan hesitated again, like he was going to say something but couldn't quite get it out.
"I always do," Shepard grinned. "It was good talking to you, Kaidan."
"You too, Shepard. Good luck out there."
"Thanks."
He took a shower, even when he was behind schedule he couldn't stand to be even a little bit dirty, and dressed hurriedly. Garrus looked up from his calibrations with amusement as Shepard scurried up to his station and flashed his omni-tool, downloading upgrade specs and maintenance reports for review.
"A little late, aren't you?" He asked, taking in his unshaven jaw and damp hair with obvious amusement.
"I was taking to Alenko," Shepard said. "He was filling me in on how things are going in Council space."
"Uh-huh. So you two are good again?" His voice was so airy-light it had to be forced, and Shepard fixed him with a baffled look.
"Is that the overly casual tone that disguises anger I hear?" He asked. "What's the problem, Vakarian?"
Garrus sighed.
"It's none of my business."
"If it wasn't your business you wouldn't feel the need to sigh so dramatically. Let's hear it. You know I will eventually, when you run your mouth off to some crew member and the gossip mill cycles it back to me," he grinned, "if you want to keep secrets from me you're going to have to learn to be less chatty."
Garrus scowled, leaning back from his terminal and turning to face him.
"Alenko was a real asshole to you on Horizon," he said frankly. "He literally turned his back on you, and from what I hear he wasn't much better on Mars. I just think... you shouldn't get your hopes up with him." His mandibles quivered and he looked away. "I still remember how you were the first few days after Horizon. I saw you reload your gun and then use it to smash a mercs face inside out, and stand in the middle of a hail of bullets firing your rifle like you were on a damn shooting range. You scared the shit out of me, Shepard. I don't want to see that again."
Shepard blinked at him. Words seldom escaped him, but they did now.
"Shepard, I never had any brothers, but if I had... I would have wanted one like you. You are my family in every way that's important," their eyes met again.
"Garrus," Shepard grinned, "you really are a big softy under all those scales aren't you? I love you to, buddy."
He stepped forward and embraced the Turian like they really were brothers. It was worth the fear of losing everything, to have moments like this in his life. It was worth anything, any amount of painful struggling. Moments like this, and moments like he'd had with Alenko just now, talking for hours and laughing the whole time.
"Alenko... made a mistake. We all make mistakes. I trust him," Shepard gripped Garrus' shoulder pad with one hand, jostling him around like he used to in the old days. "And I've always got you to fall back on."
"Shut up," Garrus punched him on the arm, not lightly.
"I'm just saying, I think I saw your eyes get a little gooey for me back there," Shepard smirked.
Garrus punched him again, harder.
"You're probably right, it would never work between us. I'm just too good-looking."
"Of course, that's the problem we would have," Garrus shoved him away with one hand.
"That and I don't know that I could date a guy with a mouth full of razors," Shepard grimaced. "I don't see that going well for us."
"Don't you have work to do?"
"Right, of course," Shepard paused, glancing over his shoulder as he turned toward the door. "Garrus?"
"Hmm?"
"I consider you my brother to. I know I can be kind of a flippant dick, but... it really means a lot to me. What you said."
Garrus smiled behind his mandibles.
"When soldiers form bonds like this in the Turian army we share blood, cutting our palms and clasping hands until our blood mixes and we become like brothers before the spirits of our ancestors. If it wasn't for the fact that mixing proteins like that might kill us, I would share offer to share blood with you," Garrus was very serious as he said this. Shepard knew better than to crack wise about something that made his face go still like that.
"We do stuff like that in some human cultures too," Shepard said, "and if it wasn't for the protein thing I'd accept. No hesitation."
They did clasp hands, their palms pressed together as though they really were sharing blood. Then Shepard turned and left, jogging down the hall toward the Medbay and checking his clock on his omni-tool with a chorus of creative and truly foul Spanish explicatives. He was going to be playing catch-up all day.
Despite the annoyance, he felt great. Centered. Complete.