A kiss that is felt but never tasted is a tragedy.

- Kritsun Larell, Krogan Playwright

He saw Shepard take the missile to the face with a shock, as though his heart had been ground zero of a cryogenic blast and watched him stumble back, out of cover with his limbs akimbo, his rifle flying from numb fingers. Kaidan covered him as the ambient blue nimbus of his shields flickered and went down. He could feel his pulse beating against his teeth as he lined up a head shot and eliminated a skulking trooper trying to line up a shot on the suddenly vulnerable man. The visor of Shepard's helmet had been cracked by the detonation but it hadn't shattered. Instead it clung in place, a useless, blinding plate of white cracks, more dangerous that chips of glass flying everywhere.

Shepard couldn't see. He was disarmed, out of cover, and he couldn't see a thing.

Garrus was there, of course, and he killed the man with the rocket launcher long before he could load another missile, but he was at a bad angle. He couldn't see the engineer that was deploying his turret pack, even as Kaidan raised his omni-tool. The package slipped from the other mans nerveless hands as currents of blue energy leapt out of the circuitry of his suit. A cloud of white smoke billowed off of him, adding to the smell of ozone and scorched metal that was already heavy on the battlefield.

It was too late for a quick fix though. The turret whirred and shot apart as its handler flailed, its muzzle extending in a flash of silver.

Kaidan didn't think. There wasn't time for such luxuries. Instead he tucked his arms, rolled out of cover and came up running. Shepard stumbled, wrenching the helmet with its cracked visor off his head and blinking at the sight of his death focusing on him from the other end of the battlefield. The deadly rattle of turret fire began, Kaidan could feel his barriers rippling as bullets washed over him.

His shoulder hit Shepard in the rib cage and his momentum barreled them both over, their feet disappearing from under them as they both went toppling to the ground, behind cover. Kaidan pushed himself up on his hands and looked down at Shepard's dented and bullet-pocked armour. A puddle of blood spread with alarming speed below them.

"Alenko," Shepard's eyes were dull, as though their usual radiance was being obscured by a film of dust, and he coughed blood, "I didn't know you cared so much."

"No," Kaidan felt years of field medicine tell him that it was already too late. Medigel was a miracle, but even miracles had limits. Medigel couldn't put this right, not when he'd lost so much blood already. God, there was so much of it, more than it seemed possible to contain in one body.

"So much for being hopeful," Shepard joked weakly as Kaidan applied pressure to the worst of his wounds out of reflex more than anything else. Of course he would crack a joke now, of all times. Kaidan's gloves were already red to the wrists. It felt like he was looking at someone else's hands.

"No," he said it again, his voice feverish and desperate, "nonono." It was half a prayer, half a demand to a God that had been frustratingly silent his entire life. This couldn't happen, not like this, not again, not so soon after they had found their way back to each other. Not when he still hadn't said even a fraction of what he needed to say to this man. This couldn't happen.

"Calm down," Shepard growled, slapping at his omni-tool and wincing as the needles implanted into his hard suit shot jets of cooling medigel into every major artery. "And get back to work. You aren't getting rid of me that easily."

He winced as he pushed himself into a sitting position, rivers of blood still draining out of the cracks and holes rent in the steel that covered him. He seemed fine. Kaidan had read the files on what Cerberus had put in him, including the parts about efficiency channels for medigel injections, but he'd never imagined it would be that complex, that effective. Any other soldier would have been a write-off after taking that kind of hit.

If the Illusive Man had been in front of him at that moment Kaidan might have kissed him before he killed him.

The rest of their battle was surprisingly hum-drum after that, despite Shepard climbing into an Atlas and wreaking unholy terror among the remaining Cerberus troops.

"I never get tired of doing that," he crowed, picking his way through the shattered glass lining the cockpit and dropping to the ground. His gray armour was edged in dried blood, and there was more splattered across his face and sticking in his crimson hair. "I wish they didn't wear helmets, so I could see the 'oh shit' looks on their faces."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kaidan asked, squinting at him. "Maybe I should take a look..."

"You can look all you like," Shepard grinned, "and you know I'd never give up a chance to play doctor with you."

Kaidan felt a blush tickling his cheeks, but he tried to scowl professionally in order to cover it up.

"Just because you survived that doesn't mean you're okay," he said sternly.

"Now you sound like Chakwas, and the mood is gone," Shepard sighed. "But still, I submit. Check me over, Doctor Alenko."

His pupils were dilating fine, and he responded in all the proper ways to Kaidan's prodding and directions. It was hard to believe, but after a few minutes he had to admit it. Shepard was perfectly fine. Garrus did not look the least bit concerned, apparently seeing Shepard getting shredded by a turret and almost die was something he was going to have to get used to.

"I can't believe you just bounced back from that like it was nothing," he said finally, "you look great, Shepard."

"I could have told you that."

Kaidan punched him on the shoulder, not lightly.

"Why does everyone hit me all the time?" He asked, rubbing it and wincing.

"Because you're an asshole," Garrus supplied helpfully.

"And a little obnoxious," Kaidan added.

"Ugly."

"Smart-mouthed."

"Really ugly."

"Har-har-hardee-har," Shepard laughed sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "you guys are a couple of cut-ups. You would have more success as comedians than soldiers, though that's not saying much really."

They both hit him, hard.

"Jesus," Shepard sighed, cradling his abused arms against his chest as the shuttle appeared overhead, skimming through the blue sky toward them, "I'm going to develop a complex, all this abuse raining down on me."

"Someone needs to shut you up once in a while," Garrus replied. "If you had your way you'd never stop talking, and I really can't imagine a world I want to live in less."

"I hate you, Vakarian."

"No you don't, Shepard."

Kaidan almost asked them when they had become so close, but the answer was obvious of course. Who else had Shepard had all this time when he'd been... otherwise engaged? Of course they were close. Much closer than he and Shepard were anymore, and though it felt strange and decidedly juvenile to say he was jealous he kind of was. When the two of them were together he felt almost like an outsider.

It didn't help that Garrus usually did a pretty good job of pretending that Kaidan didn't exist. If the gossip mill on the ship was anything to go by, that was probably for the best since if he did have anything to say it was all decidedly negative. All he could do was buckle down and work hard, and try to prove to the stoic turian that he really was here for good now. He hadn't considered the thought that he might have to make up for what he'd done on Horizon with Garrus as well as Shepard.

He thought about that on the way back to the Normandy, as Shepard and Garrus shoved each other and squabbled over sniper specs like an old married couple. He hadn't thought about it, but it made sense. He hadn't just turned his back on Shepard, Garrus had been on Horizon to, and everything that he had said to Shepard about treason and terrorism had, by proxy, applied to him to.

He sighed. He was getting sick of apologizing, but there was nothing else to do. When you fucked up, you apologized and hoped the people you cared about were better, more compassionate men than you.

"Alenko," Garrus put a taloned hand on his shoulder as they dismounted the shuttle and Kaidan turned to look at him, "can I have a word?"

"Um, sure, I mean of course," he stumbled. He had been hoping for a little time to get his thoughts in order.

"Can I leave you two alone?" Shepard asked, cocking one dark eyebrow at the two of them. "I need my soldiers, and my shuttle, intact."

"We'll be fine," Garrus assured him.

"Of course," Kaidan agreed.

Shepard didn't look convinced, but he was also eager to get out of his blood-drenched armour.

"Okay," he said finally, "but this better not be some secret meeting where you devise new strategies for beating on me." He gave the two of them one last lingering glance and shrugged before he turned away. He didn't walk like a man who felt the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders, he almost strolled in fact, with his shoulders thrown back and his head high. Kaidan smiled at the sight.

"Over here, Casanova," Garrus growled.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

"That was an impressive name drop," Kaidan said cautiously, "and a little... weird."

"I don't understand it completely," Garrus admitted, "but humans seem to use it with people who make eyes at their friends, particularly when those people aren't even close to loyal or good enough for them."

"I wasn't-" Kaidan began his temper flaring, but they both knew in an instant it wasn't true. He had totally been making eyes, and he had been since he found his way back on this ship. He rubbed the back of his head with one hand and sighed. "You don't-" He stumbled again, wincing as he began to understand the depths of his conversational ineptitude.

"I know, it's none of my business, I don't understand, blah, blah, blah, whatever," Garrus rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to comment on it. I just... you know that Shepard cares about you, don't you Alenko?"

"He cares about everyone," Kaidan replied evasively, "that's who he is."

"True enough," Garrus nodded. "But you know that's not what I'm getting at. He cares about you a lot, more than he should. When those elevator doors opened and he saw you on that platform, his face... I knew he'd never be able to do it."

Kaidan didn't say anything. There was nothing to say really.

"But I would have. I would have shot you stone dead, even if I hadn't known that Shepard couldn't do it, just so he wouldn't have to. I'm not trying to intimidate you or anything, I just wanted you to know where I'm coming from when I say what I have to say next. I don't like you. I don't trust you. If you keep doing what you're doing now that might change, but for now that's just how things are."

"Okay..." Kaidan wasn't sure what he was getting at. "Now what's the thing you have to say next?"

"You really need to do something about... whatever it is that's going on between the two of you."

Kaidan blinked at him, simultaneously stunned, confused and irritated. It was an odd sensation.

"You just said that you hated me," Kaidan rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He didn't understand turian conversation.

"I don't hate you," Garrus said hastily. He hesitated. "Well, maybe a little. But that's not what this is about. This is about him. About Shepard."

"What about him?" Kaidan asked. As the novelty of their surreal conversation began to wear off he could feel his temper flaring up again. "What do you know about what's going on between us anyway?"

"Please," Garrus rolled his eyes, "everyone knows about it. There was a pool going on the SR1, before the end."

Kaidan felt all the colour drain out of his face, and then return in a rush of heat that swept up his neck and flooded his cheeks. He ducked his chin and glanced away, trying to hide it and failing miserably.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. Didn't you notice that people were starting to drop hints?"

"No!"

"Oh yeah. Chakwas had almost two hundred credits riding on the two of you. I thought she was going to lock you in quarantine with some mood music and candles."

Kaidan moaned and buried his face in his hands.

"The important thing is that you two have been circling each other like this for almost three years, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of watching Shepard wasting his time wondering what to do about it, and..." He shrugged. "I want him to be happy. You seem to do it for him, so... it doesn't matter what I think of you. You should do something now, before it's too late."

Kaidan sighed.

"That felt really close, today," he admitted, with a shiver like icicles sliding up and down his spine. "Seeing him like that..."

"It was close," Garrus replied, his face uncharacteristically animated as his mandibles twitched. "Don't let him trick you with his smooth-talking bullshit. That was really fucking close."

"I've gotta go," Kaidan said. "I'll think about what you said."

"I also feel obligated to tell you that I will kill you if you hurt him again. Seriously. I'm not being cute."

"Garrus, if I ever do anything like that again I'll probably just kill myself," Kaidan said honestly. "And as crazy as it sounds, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you've got his back."

"I always have," Garrus said pointedly, but he turned away and headed down the ramp to the hangar bay. After a moment of hesitation, Kaidan followed, thumbing the button for the captain's cabin after only about half a minute of standing in the elevator staring at it. Garrus was right. It had been three years, and it was getting old. It was time to do something or just give up on it and get on with his life.

The door to Shepard's cabin slid open with a hiss, almost silent, but it was enough to elicit a moan from the form huddled on the large bed at the other end of the cabin. Kaidan advanced into the room cautiously, his eyes straining. The only light was what the fish tanks along one wall were capable of throwing, a soft blue radiance that did little but outline the metal edges of things and paint the muscles of Shepard's back in shades of midnight. He was laying on his side, his back to the light, and a pillow crammed over his head.

It was a strange scene, but Kaidan understood it well enough. He'd been in just such a situation himself, more times than he cared to count.

"Shepard?" He asked, keeping his voice low.

The pillow stirred, and he caught a flash of red hair and a pale, clammy face as Shepard cracked one eye open just a sliver and looked at him.

"I didn't know you'd started getting migraines."

"Just a few," Shepard winced at the thunder of his own voice and pushed himself into a sitting position. His eyes stayed narrowed into slits as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. He was wearing a pair of military briefs and not much else, but Kaidan tried not to let that distract him. It was harder than it had any right to be, but he moved forward a little as Shepard cradled his head in his hands, both elbows resting against his knees.

"You know... I've picked up a couple tricks for dealing with them. If you want," he hesitated, "or I can come back later."

"I took a pill, I should be good in a few minutes," Shepard winced again, raising his head and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "But fuck it, yeah, I'll take anything you've got."

"Okay," Kaidan rolled his shoulders back and went to stand beside the bed, "lay down. Face down."

"Am I going to need an adult?" He asked, raising a suddenly skeptical eyebrow.

"Maybe later," Kaidan replied. It had been so long since he'd actually tried to flirt with somebody, it sounded awkward to his own ears. But Shepard just grinned at him and gingerly repositioned himself so he was laying down with his head on the pillow, his face still turned away from the light source.

Kaidan ran his hand lightly down Shepard's spine, and then moved it to his shoulder blade, feeling along the ridge of bone until he identified the nerve cluster he was looking for. He pressed down on it, firm, then lightly, and kneaded it under his fingers. Then he repeated the action on his other side, as Shepard squirmed and sighed in turns against the pillow. A lifetime of doctors counseling him on his L2 implants had given him a wealth of knowledge on how to deal with migraines, and he knew all the places to touch in Shepard's back and along his sides. He was looking for the place just under the armpit when Shepard suddenly jumped under his touch and grabbed his questing hand, rolling onto his side.

"Sorry," he grinned sheepishly, "ticklish."

"Really?" Kaidan grinned. "The great commander Shepard, bad-ass saviour of the galaxy, has ticklish ribs?"

"And feet," Shepard admitted, "and knees. It's my filthy, shameful secret, or at least one of the many."

"It's cute," Kaidan said, without thinking. The two of them looked at each other and Kaidan suddenly became very aware that Shepard's hand was still holding his and they were both sitting on a wide, white, comfortable looking bed and looking at each other. Shepard was still just in his briefs, and the soft light of the fish tanks painted his smooth torso in shades of blue and silver.

"I'm not cute," Shepard said. His voice was still quiet, but his eyes and face were clear of pain. This was a different kind of quiet, the kind that carried a subtle ribbon of heat at its centre. Even in the semi-darkness his eyes were astoundingly, unbelievably blue. Kaidan remembered the first time he'd ever seen them with a sudden rush of nostalgia. Three years ago. It felt like so much longer.

"You're kind of cute," Kaidan argued lamely, "sometimes."

So much for flirting. He should have predicted that he was going to make of a fool of himself.

Shepard wasn't laughing though. His gaze was intense. They seemed to be very close all of a sudden, though Kaidan wasn't exactly sure if he was leaning forward or Shepard was leaning up. He could smell shaving cream and hard soap on him, clean, hard military smells. His breath was soft and quick, Kaidan could feel it on his face and realized with a shock just how close they were. The air felt still and silent around him, like the world was holding its breath.

'This is the part where you close your eyes,' a small internal voice reminded him. He did. After all this time, after all that had happened he could barely believe they were actually going to-

"Commander, I am truly sorry to interrupt," EDI even managed to sound apologetic, which was good because Kaidan was feeling remarkably homicidal all of a sudden. "But Admiral Hackett is insisting. He needs to talk to you immediately."

"I'm on my way," Shepard sighed. He let go of Kaidan's hand and pushed himself off the bed, retrieving a fresh uniform from a drawer that popped out of the seamless wall at a command from his omni-tool.

"So... I'll go then," Kaidan said after a minute. He caught a glimpse of Shepard's expression over his shoulder, and though it was hard to read in the dim light he thought he saw similar levels of frustration reflected there.

"Thanks for coming, Kaidan. And for the massage," he hesitated, "it helped a lot."

"I've got a lot of experience," Kaidan shrugged, "just call me when it starts up next time."

"Maybe I will," Shepard smiled.

"You should."

Kaidan turned to go. Here he was, yet again, walking away from Shepard without anything important said between them. He sighed with frustration as he waited for the elevator, rubbing both hands through his short-cropped hair. After a moment he pulled up his omni-tool and started typing. He might be too much of a coward to say anything when they were face to face, but the extranet had been created for a reason. This was as good as one as any.

He wrote the note and sent it before he could double-think himself again. Dinner had never felt more intimidating.

But Garrus really was right. Enough was enough, it was time to do something about this. It was terrifying, and exhilarating, and nauseating, and thrilling. He felt like his feet were dangling half a foot off the ground, while his stomach had plummeted to somewhere around the engineering deck.

His omni-tool lit up.

"Kaidan," he read, "I'd love to."

He smiled.

I thought a chapter from Kaidan's perspective would shake things up a bit and get me out of the slump I've been in the last few days. Also, I'm putting applications to art school together right now, so I have no idea when the next chapter will be up. Sorry guys, I promise that I'll make it a good one at least.

Also, I'm not fishing or anything, but I've noticed a drop off in enthusiasm for this story. I hope everyone is still enjoying it, despite the slow progression of the romance...