No true love has ever existed that has not gone through fire and suffering. Two souls who come together through hell and find strength in each other, that is love. Eternal and infinite, equal and pure, something beautiful that makes all the hard times worthwhile.

- Larana Nirine, Last Poet of Rakhana

Maybe he should feel more urgent.

The galaxy was ending, after all, and that felt important and everything but somehow he just couldn't find it in himself anymore. Which wasn't to say he was burnt out, or apathetic, or disillusioned, or any of the myriad of other things it would have made sense for him to be at this point in his life. He just didn't feel the struggle anymore, the sense of constant oppressive duty and expectation that wrapped itself around his life and threatened to suffocate him.

He felt serene. Days passed by full of bullets and fire, death and war, but he seemed to float through them bending himself around obstacles and emerging at the end always one step closer to his ultimate goal. He was winning and he was surrounded by people he trusted and admired. It was hard to be steely and fierce when he was squabbling with Garrus or trading math jokes with the engineers. Or in his all too infrequent brushes with Kaidan.

Kaidan. Even his name brought an unconscious smile to his lips as it flitted through his mind at the drive core terminal. His typing slowed, then stopped all together as he thought about the message he had received, what it might mean and what might be in the midst of happening between them.

He didn't feel serene now, but there still wasn't any of the cold, ferocious intention that had dominated him during his missions against the Collectors. He felt exhilarated and terrified at the same time, absolutely determined and completely clueless. It was a good feeling, and yet at the same time it felt like he was constantly on the edge of a full-body dry-heave, nauseous and dry-mouthed and weak kneed.

It was different. It had been a long time since he had felt something like this, something so fresh and new.

"Shepard," the mechanized purr of Tali's voice broke the near-total silence of his reflections as she came up behind him and set one three-fingered hand on his shoulder, "what's got you grinning like an idiot? Not that you really need a reason I guess..."

He recognized the smile in her voice.

"Just thinking about... stuff," he replied casually, shrugging and beginning to type again.

"That's nice and cryptic," she joked, leaning against the railing.

"Are these efficiency reports accurate?"

"Of course they are," she sniffed disdainfully.

"God, Tali, I miss you when you leave," Shepard said earnestly, "twenty-four hours and you've got this place running like a Swiss watch."

"I don't know what that means."

"It means I love you," he said airly, "marry me and we'll have beautifully efficient genius children together."

"That's not how it works, Shepard," she laughed, "besides, I thought I wasn't your type."

"That would be a problem, I suppose," Shepard agreed. "Maybe I should ask Kal Reegar?"

Tali laughed again, but it petered off after a couple moments and Shepard could feel her lamp-like silver eyes focus on him with new determination. He pretended he hadn't notice, still typing diligently away, identifying systems that would need to be upgraded when they docked with the Citadel.

Other things would happen when they docked too. Shepard's guts gave a visceral twist at the thought, like a coil of old ropes wound together in a tangle. That happy-sick feeling seized him with force.

"I thought you'd already found someone," Tali said with exaggerated casualness.

"Stop," Shepard warned her, "I don't want to hear ship gossip. I hear enough of it from Garrus."

"Like I need gossip," Tali waved him off with one hand, her brilliant eyes narrowing in the darkness of her helmet, "what with you two batting your eyes at each other in the middle of battle as geth explode around you."

Shepard groaned with obvious distress.

"Why does EVERYONE know about this?" He asked, exasperation lacing every syllable. "Is there a newsletter or something?"

"Hey, I'm all for it," Tali raised her hands defensively, "I have money riding on the two of you getting married and having babies together."

"That's not how it works," Shepard informed her humourlessly. "Besides, can you imagine me as a parent?" He shuddered. "I'm here worrying that I'd be a bad boyfriend, but I'd be the worst father figure ever."

"I don't think so," Tali's voice was quiet but serious. Her eyes burned into him, demanding his attention until he stopped pretending to care about what was happening to the engines and turned to face her. A moment of silence hung between them, and a stare from her to him that reminded him of exactly how awful fathers could be to their loving, talented, genius daughters.

"Maybe not the worst," he agreed after a moment, "but I think that the question of babies is kind of moot, anyway."

"You'd be a great father, Shepard," Tali sounded earnest.

"What exactly are we basing this on?" Shepard asked wryly. "I guess I do have certain skill when it comes to using violence to resolve conflict, not to mention rampant emotional unavailability. Those are the kind of things that make good fathers, right?"

"Stop it," Tali hit him, lightly, on the arm. "You know why you'd be a good father?"

"Because I'm an asshole that everyone in the universe feels the need to hit constantly? That would at least create a solid base of angst, which is something every child needs to help them feel important."

"Stop it. You'd be a good father because you care."

"The qualifications for parenthood get laxer every year."

"Shepard, you are making me upset."

"Sorry," Shepard sighed. "I guess I'm kind of self-sabotaging at the moment. Trying to convince myself that I'm too damaged to put myself out there, so it's better for me to keep all my emotions balled up under steel where they can't be threatened." He leaned back against the terminal, his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed casually at the ankles.

"Humans," Tali sighed and copied him, settling against the terminal beside him and covering his hand with hers, "I don't even pretend to understand you anymore. What's up?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Galaxy to save and everything," Shepard sighed with exaggerated irritation. "And... I think Alenko asked me out."

"You think?"

"He sent me a message."

"Coward," Tali actually sounded disapproving.

"Cut the guy some slack," Shepard cautioned her, "things have been pretty weird between us. It's... not as easy as it feels like it should be."

Tali laughed. "It never is."

"That makes me feel better," Shepard sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Well, not really better. Just slightly less awful."

"Stop trying to convince yourself you're not happy," Tali hit him again and he cringed away from her like a battered wife, shielding his face with both hands and flinching. "I see you standing here with a big stupid grin on your face thinking about him. Focus on that, instead of torturing yourself with everything that can go wrong."

"Easier said than done," Shepard sighed again. "But you're right of course, that's what I should be doing. I just..." He trailed off and grasped inarticulately at the air. "I just... don't know what to do. And no matter how much I sit down and try to analyze this, break it down into numbers and equations that I can study and understand, the more confusing it gets. I'm so far outside my comfort zone that I can't even think up a metaphor to describe it. And if I fuck up... I don't know how I'd live with myself if I fucked up. After everything that's happened between us I couldn't stand it if I was the one that ruined it."

"You won't ruin it," Tali assured him.

"All evidence to the contrary," Shepard sighed, "I still feel like I will."

"No way," Tali squeezed his hand, "you two are... perfect in a way. Despite all the ways you aren't."

"That doesn't make any sense. Oh, I get it, you just want to win your bet," Shepard gave her a playful shove.

"Well," Tali shrugged, "maybe a little bit. But I ALSO want to see you two get together so you'll be happy, so it's not entirely selfish."

"Just mostly selfish."

"Shut up," Tali pushed herself back to her feet and took his hand, tugging on it gently. "And go get ready. You want to look good, don't you?"

"Are you saying I don't?"

They looked at each other, in silence for a moment.

"Ouch," Shepard sighed.

"Maybe try shaving," Tali advised, "and, I don't know, something other than a uniform."

He looked down at himself, looking for stains or unsightly wrinkles, but nothing looked out of place. He looked back up at her and raised on eyebrow. "What else is there?"

She shook her head at him, a sigh rising up until her entire body shifted with the draw and release of exasperation.

"Men," she sighed again.

Shepard shrugged, grinning. "Say what you want, but you've gotta love us."

All joking and teasing aside, he hadn't shaved today and it did seem like bad form to show up to dinner all stubbly and unkempt. His shift wasn't technically over, but he was the Commander and if he wanted to bend the rules a little at the end of the galaxy he would. He left the engineering deck and returned to his cabin for a shower, scrubbing himself until his skin ached. He shaved carefully, precisely shaping the neatly trimmed sideburns he left himself. He explored the previously ignored options in the cabinet, sniffing aftershaves and colognes until he found one that wasn't overpowering. He plucked his eyebrows, flossed his teeth and clipped his fingernails, labouring over himself until he was exactly as clean and precise as he wanted to be.

He put on a uniform, because as much as he had been joking with Tali there wasn't really another option. There was a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt in one of the drawers, but Shepard didn't even consider putting them on. He wasn't himself if he wasn't in uniform and Kaidan knew that. He spent almost twenty minutes nervously fingering seams and zippers and folds.

It was strange, perhaps, for a dirty little street rat to turn into the kind of man who took such care with mundane issues like appearance. Being clean and put together was a symbol, it made him feel confident, in control of himself and his destiny. When he had been unsure of himself he'd been able to wear his newly polished and cleaned image like a suit of armour that protected him from the shades of what he had once been. He needed that feeling right now, when he felt like all his usual cockiness and self assurance was sliding between his fingers like sand.

Saren and the geth, the Reapers, the Collectors, death and life and the fate of the universe, all of that was nothing. This was something. This was stepping outside of the person that he had made himself into, that was always sure and confident on the outside even if he wasn't on the inside, the one who covered himself with grins and laughter and brazen courage and never let himself be intimidated or unsure. This meant being a real person, with no more masks and armour and shields.

Shepard was scared.

In a way that made it easier. He had been scared before, and there was only one thing to do when he ran across that obstacle in his path. He had to grit his teeth, get ready, and be awesome. He looked at himself one more time in the mirror, checking over details, and left his cabin for the first real date he'd ever been on in his life.

The galaxy was a funny place.

It took more courage to sit down at the table than it had to walk the fractured, splintering path between the Normandy and the geth dreadnought, and nothing in the galaxy terrified him as fundamentally and completely as the thought of dying in space again. When he'd been standing in the airlock he hadn't had a choice. Sitting down though, that was a choice, the final choice, the last step in accepting this strange, twisting delirium that had been born in him.

Part of him thought that nothing could be worth it, even when he scooted his chair forward and leaned his arms on the table, locking the moment in place.

Kaidan smiled at him, and it was worth it. And then they talked.

Shepard was staring out, over the serene blue waters of the Presidium's artificial lake, when Kaidan finished paying the bill. He was leaning with his elbows resting on the railing and his chin propped up on one hand. He looked so normal, like any of the half-dozen other soldiers Kaidan could see scattered about, like there was no great, impossible weight resting on his shoulders. He looked almost relaxed, to be honest, and when Kaidan came up and leaned beside him on the railing he couldn't miss the huge smile that was spread across his face.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"I was thinking that you outrank me now," Shepard replied, tearing his eyes away from the scenery and grinning wickedly at him. "So I can fraternize you and use it to get myself commendations and medals."

"I don't think there's really a rank for you anymore," Kaidan laughed. "But I know I don't outrank you. I'm just-"

"A major, which is a whole rank above a commander. See how that works?" Shepard's eyes glittered at him, full of mirth.

"Yeah, but you're Shepard. The Shepard."

"If you ever say that again I'm going to smack you so hard your ancestors will file assault charges against me," Shepard pointed a finger at him. "You of all people know I'm not 'the' anything. Just a soldier."

"I of all people know you're not 'just' anything," Kaidan replied. His hand wound around the pointing finger and pulled it down until Shepard's hand relaxed. It felt like they should pull apart, they were in uniform and in public after all, but he didn't. The small touch, Shepard's hand against his, was worth any amount of scandal it might generate. "Anyway, what does rank matter at the end of the world?"

"I'm just saying, I think you should take the lead on this Alenko. You know, as superior officer," Shepard glanced down at their intertwined hands as though he wasn't exactly sure how to react to it. He didn't pull away though, instead he inched a little closer and Kaidan felt his hand close possessively around his own. "And because well... I don't really have any clue what I'm supposed to do. Liara suggested romantic comedies, but I think she was joking."

"Yes," Kaidan assured him passionately, "she was. You definitely shouldn't take notes from romantic comedies."

"I thought so," Shepard nodded to himself. "But that doesn't help me figure out what I'm supposed to do, just what I'm not supposed to do. And Donnelly tried to explain bases and dates to me but that was just confusing and Scottish. I'm... kind of on a limb here. I'm supposed to open doors for you and we don't have sex until the third date, that's all I know. And doors open themselves for the most part around here."

He squinted at Kaidan.

"Why are you trying not laugh right now?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because you're being adorable," Kaidan replied, unable to help himself. He laughed, and regretted it when Shepard pulled his hand away.

"What? No I'm not. I'm being weird and emotionally unavailable. I don't do 'adorable,'" he smacked Kaidan on the shoulder as he continued laughing, "stop it, damn you! I'm a savage, galaxy-saving bad ass!"

"Of course you are," Kaidan laughed, flinching as Shepard's hand closed into a threatening fist. "No! I'm serious, you are. But it's... I don't know. Nice to know that there are some things you're as bad at as everyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"Shepard, no one knows the 'right' way to do this kind of thing. There is no right way," he covered Shepard's fist with his hand and pulled it down again. The two of them looked at each other for a moment and Kaidan watched the thoughts tumbling around behind Shepard's fierce blue eyes. "But, I get it. I'll try to keep us on track."

"Right. So... like... what do we do now? Shake hands?" A touch of colour bloomed across Shepard's cheeks. "Does this even count as a date or..?"

"Sure," Kaidan laughed. "This can count as a date. And people don't usually shake hands after a date."

"Oh so... oh! Ohhhh," his eyes were sly. "Out here? In the open?"

"Why not?" Kaidan closed the small distance between them, so they were close enough to put their arms around each other. Shepard was all familiar scents, military soap, generic shaving cream and shampoo. His hand was callused like a soldier's should be, his uniform all starch and measured seams even now, at the end of everything. It was almost painfully attractive at that moment, Kaidan could feel every cell in his body craving him. "You're always saying that nothing we used to think of as important means anything anymore."

"Hmmm," Shepard raised one hand, set it against his cheek. He didn't pull back or push forward, his movements were almost leisurely as his fingers followed the line of his cheekbone and then ran back, through Kaidan's dark hair, to the base of his neck. "If we do this than it means that everything we've been talking about isn't just talk anymore. It's for real."

"Is that bad?" Kaidan asked. He followed Shepard's lead, not pushing them out of the moment. His hand rested on Shepard's waist, feeling his breath moving slow and steady through his stomach and up into his chest. Muscles coiled thick and full of lethal energy under his hand, warm to the touch.

"No way. I just wanted you to know that for me... this is serious. I'm not screwing around and if we do this... it's real.

Kaidan looked into his eyes. He was dead serious, and a little scared. Kaidan had gotten used to being able to read Shepard's moods like they were written across his forehead, but he'd never seen anything like this in him before. He understood. Shepard's life was full of sharp edges, there was never anything he could rely on to take his weight for a little while. He was used to standing on his own, and being this close to something so different was bound to be a little intimidating.

There was nothing he could say to make it better, so he kissed him instead.

He never thought he would be the one to kiss Shepard, he was the follower while Shepard was the one that actually did things. But his hand on Shepard's waist tightened, drawing them flush against each other, and it was his head that darted down and fit their mouths together. They came together gracefully, Shepard sliding in against his body like he was made to be there, like they had been put together with each other in mind. The hand on the back of his neck curled around to his shoulder and Shepard's other hand splayed out against his cheek, fingers lacing in his hair. They both pulled, drawing themselves together until not an inch of space remained anywhere to separate them.

Shepard tasted like the bourbon he had been drinking at lunch and of fierce spices left over from the seafood soup he'd eaten, cayenne, pepper and jalapeno. But over and under all that there was a unique sweetness that came from wanting something long and hard enough to make it painful. He was warmer than the artificial sunlight pouring down on them, and more nourishing.

The moment felt surreal. Kaidan had been waiting for this moment for so long, sometimes it felt like he'd been waiting his entire life and just never known it, and now that it was actually happening it felt... words couldn't describe how it felt. Their mouths opened, the kiss deepening, and Kaidan felt that spark that had lingered between them for so long ignite, burning hot and hard in his chest as the seconds ticked by. His arms wrapped around Shepard's back like they were never coming loose again, if he'd had the option to make that possible he might have taken it and damn the rest of the galaxy. Nothing in his life had ever felt as right as kissing Shepard in the middle of the Presidium at that moment.

They seemed to go on locked together forever, and it wasn't close to long enough. They broke apart for a moment, Shepard gulping air, and Kaidan growled and kissed him again, short and hard, then broke and planted just one soft, lingering last kiss on his bottom lip. Shepard's breath was warm and sweet, coming quick as he breathed hard against Kaidan's mouth. The two of them stood, holding each other in silence for a moment before Shepard opened his eyes again.

"Wow..." he said softly, a terrific grin breaking across his face. It was shy and cocky at the same time, and his eyes glittered like sapphires on fire. They were more amazing than ever up close like this, eyes he could look into for the rest of his life.

"Yeah," Kaidan smiled back at him.

Why hadn't he gone with him on Horizon?

The knowledge that he'd wasted so much time, that they could have been like this for months already if he hadn't been stupid and blind was painful. Kaidan bit his lip and Shepard frowned for a moment, noticing the change.

He could apologize. They could spend more time talking, going over the many shapes and styles of grief that existed between them, handling them, cutting themselves on the sharp edges of his past betrayal. Or he could just kiss him again, and keep kissing him until words became meaningless.

Where did this come from? I have no idea. Perhaps it was all of your wonderful compliments that have made me so productive the last few days, both with this and my portfolio. Thank you to everyone for the inspiring words of support.

Kaidan chose the second option. He wasn't going to let himself waste any more time.