Sex is great, but it's not what really gives us pleasure. The act is nothing, it's the lover that's important.

- Emberine, Asari Consort

He was cast adrift, spiralling out of control.

It came without warning. He was used to being in control of himself at all times, used to seeing the world as something essentially simple. Being smart helped. Most things that were important to him could easily be reduced into numbers. Tech was the most obvious, he actually enjoyed putting together armour suites and weapon specs. It was almost therapeutic in a way, something he could completely and utterly understand, numbers within numbers that could be combined in a thousand different ways. It was the most obvious, but he could say the same thing about anything really. Eating and sleeping, politics, battlefields and poker, everything was numbers if he thought about it long enough, and being able to do that made his life a great deal easier than it would have been otherwise.

But not people. It had taken him a ridiculously long time to realize this. People were these senseless balls of life that defied his attempts to rationalize and reduce. He was forced to accept that there was no way he could control them and though they could be manipulated he wouldn't be able to do it with math. It made his life more complicated, but better. Before he had realized this he had been little more than a machine, which was better than an animal but no less inhuman. He had never thought it would be better to go back to the way he'd been in Basic and in the first months of his time at Tech Academy.

He'd always stayed in control of himself, despite all that. Other people were complicated, but he was simple and always had been. Again, being smart helped. He could organize his thoughts and feelings with a dexterity that surprised even him, cutting through the muddiness of emotion with the razor of critical thinking. He rarely got bogged down for long in useless emotions like doubt, or hatred, or anger. There had been exceptions to that rule, but not many.

Now all that control, that carefully shaped and maintained bastion of his life, was slipping away. He didn't know whether he should cling to it with all his strength or just let himself go, get swept up in the tidal wave of what was happening and surrender to the momentum.

Kaidan pulled him back, away from the narrow aisle between the seats and into the middle of the tiny 'deck' that gave the room its name. His hand was on the back of Shepard's neck, gentle but insistent. He stopped short and they stood at arms length for a moment, looking at each other. He couldn't see any of the conflict boiling within him in Kaidan's face, the other man looked completely sure of himself. He pulled again, his other hand coming up, the fingers lacing in Shepard's hair and their lips met.

On the Presidium, and in the precious few moments of privacy they'd been able to steal since then, their contact had been carefully controlled. The attraction was powerful, but neither of them was the type to forget that they were officers and certain proprieties had to be observed. With only a few hours of stolen freedom available to them now Kaidan didn't seem to think there was any time to waste on such frivolity. His lips were hungry and his tongue slid against the seam of Shepard's lips, hot and demanding.

Fuck it, said some little voice in the back of his head who had no use for math and logic, just let go.

It was, he thought, the best choice.

Shepard's mouth opened under Kaidan's probing tongue and the other man surged forward, his grip tightening. Shepard wrapped his arms around him and pulled their chests together. His grip on the sterile, rational part of the world fell away and he found something to replace it that was just as hot, as insistent, as Kaidan. Shepard's fingers traced the hills and valleys of muscle standing out in his back and he smiled against his mouth.

There were some definite perks to dating military men.

"You smell amazing," Kaidan murmured as their lips parted. The hand on the back of Shepard's head kept him in place as his mouth wandered along the line of his jaw toward his ear. His breath was hot against his skin, his voice husky. "Almost as good as you taste."

The heat in his voice was enough to make Shepard blush, a sultry ribbon that undercut the relatively harmless choice of words. Kaidan took the lobe of his ear into his mouth and sucked and Shepard was helpless to suppress the shudder it sent through him, from fingertips to toes. Almost everyone had some sort of reaction to things like that, but it had always been one of his biggest turn-ons. His fingers balled up around handfuls of Kaidan's uniform and his breath came hissing slowly between his teeth as he struggled to control the urge he had to shove Kaidan down on the floor and rip all his clothes off.

Kaidan noticed, Shepard could feel him smile against his neck as he kissed and nipped his way across the smooth, freshly-shaved skin. Kaidan was less diligent than him in one respect at least, and his stubble scratched pleasantly against Shepard's neck as his fingers trailed down, out of his hair and followed the pulsing line of his jugular vein. Shepard could hear his pulse beating wildly against Kaidan's fingers and he felt the other man's grin widen until he felt teeth against his skin.

His hands seemed to have minds of their own. He'd taken Alliance uniforms on and off so many times it was basically muscle memory by now anyway, and he found the zippers and buttons of Kaidan's without any help from his intoxicated brain. Whatever pheromones Kaidan was throwing out were enough to make Shepard's mind reel, thought retreating before the power of naked sensation. He frowned, grimacing with frustration as he found a t-shirt underneath the uniform. He pulled it up and Kaidan raised his arms, tearing his lips away from the truly phenomenal work they had been doing, so Shepard could pull his shirt and the top half of his uniform off. It was quite a sight.

"You're so white," he grinned, running a hand down the planes of hard military muscle on display for him. The contrast of his warm brown skin against Kaidan's chest was striking, and he smiled as he looked up.

"Is that really what you have to say?" Kaidan asked, arching an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Relax," Shepard grinned, "you're totally hot, and I've noticed. Muy caliente." He rolled the Spanish words off his tongue, savouring the familiar music of his native language. "I should probably warn you that I lapse into Spanish a lot, especially during."

He watched the adam's apple rise and fall in Kaidan's throat as he swallowed.

"I don't think that'll be a problem," he said, "I uh... like it when you speak Spanish."

"I know," Shepard grinned. "I've known that for a long time, you always did a piss-poor job of pretending it didn't get you hot and bothered."

Kaidan blushed, and Shepard slid his arms back around him, running his hands over the warm skin available to him now. He kissed Kaidan's jaw, feeling stubble against his lips, and followed it to his ear. He breathed softly against it, feeling Kaidan stiffen in his arms before his fingers started to work on Shepard's own uniform.

"What else do you like?" He asked softly, brushing the shell of his ear with his lips. One hand slipped down and between them, cupping Kaidan's groin through the thick fabric of his uniform. Shepard grinned and ran his tongue along the edge of his ear, enjoying the way Kaidan's breath was getting ragged and hot.

"I... ah..." Kaidan moaned, pulling Shepard's uniform open and slipping his hands inside, running them over his ribs until Shepard shuddered and grimaced at the tickling sensation they invoked. "If we're doing confessions I should probably say that... I've never gone this far with another guy before."

Shepard looked up, raising an eyebrow as a small smile touched his lips.

"Really?" He asked.

"Just a little making-out and groping," Kaidan admitted, blushing.

Shepard's smile widened, becoming a full-fledged, toothy grin as his hand moved against the bulge in Kaidan's trousers. He watched Kaidan's eyes slide closed, his head tipping back as his chest trembled under the force of his accelerated breathing, his entire body going rigid. Shepard kissed his neck, tasting sweat on his skin, as his unoccupied hand starting undoing his fly.

"Te deseo," he murmured huskily, working every ounce of heat he could into his voice, rolling the Spanish syllables.

Kaidan moaned wordlessly, his face twisting into a grimace of pleasure as Shepard's hand pushed the folds of his uniform aside and stroked him slowly through the thin fabric of his standard-issue boxers. He was painfully hard against Shepard's palm and seemed to react to every touch, every shift in speed or pressure. His hands on Shepard's shoulders locked tight, fingernails biting into his skin.

"Te necesito," Shepard breathed, sliding his trousers and boxers down over his hips, taking his time, letting his fingers explore the warm, pale skin.

"Fuck that's hot," Kaidan growled, pushing him back a step and pulling at his belt and zipper with both hands. "I wish I spoke Spanish..."

"It would be less exotic if you understood it, wouldn't it?" Shepard asked, pushing his hands away. Kaidan seemed intent to fight him, but Shepard kissed his neck again, and then the line of his collarbone and he stilled. "It would take the mystery out of it if you knew what I was saying." He kissed his chest, rolling his tongue over one dark nipple and lower, feeling goosebumps spring up across the pale skin.

"I guess you have a point," Kaidan said shakily. Shepard could feel his breath trembling under his lips. "Could you say something else?"

"Si," Shepard grinned, sinking to his knees in front of him, "quiero mamar."

Shepard took his time. Kaidan's fingers ran through his hair and he could hear his ragged breaths interrupted by small wordless gasps and moans as his tongue teased its way up and down his length. His fingers tensed, nails rasping against Shepard's scalp as he paused at the head and swirled his tongue around it, looking up into his eyes for a moment. Beads of sweat stood out on Kaidan's forehead and Shepard could see a haze of a blush spread across his cheeks, a glazed, drunken look in his brown eyes along with a searing heat and need. Shepard pressed forward, engulfing him in the heat of his mouth and Kaidan's eyes closed, his head rolling back as his hips thrust forward involuntarily. Shepard quickened his pace, and was rewarded by another long moan.

"Fuck!" Kaidan gasped. And then his name.

He spent a moment wondering if he should tell Kaidan to call him Trinidad. Shepard was technically his surname after all, but it didn't feel right to use any other name. Trinidad didn't have any meaning to him, it was just something he used when he was filling out paperwork. It wasn't his name anymore than X was.

Kaidan swore again, his fingers locked firmly around the back of Shepard's head now. He was holding himself back, Shepard could feel the tension, see it standing out in the sleek wall of muscle that rose up in front of him. He sucked, his cheeks hollowing out, and chuckled as Kaidan made a strangled, nameless sound of pleasure and pushed him away gently, breathing hard.

"I can't... hold on..." He gasped, his grip loosening as his hand trailed down and cupped Shepard's chin. Kaidan didn't pull him up, instead he put his other hand on his shoulder and pushed him down on his back, capturing his mouth as his hands went back to work on the front of Shepard's trousers. In a moment he had them undone and was slipping them off, taking his boxers with them. The floor was cold, he knew, but nothing could penetrate the searing heat between them. It had been building for years now, it could have shut out the freezing wind of Alchera if it needed to.

Kaidan smiled down at him as their lips parted.

"Is it always like that with men?" He asked, still a little breathless. "That was... mind-blowing."

"You'll never go back to women after this," Shepard grinned, "I guarantee it."

Kaidan laughed, and kissed him, their embrace long and unexpectedly tender in the middle of all that raw need. Kaidan revisited what he had learned about Shepard's most sensitive places, taking his earlobe in his mouth and sucking, his teeth nipping gently. His hand moved between them, doing its own exploring, raising the intensity of Shepard's need for him with its slow, teasing strokes.

"Me estas volviendo loco," he whispered, grinning at the physical shudder it sent rippling down Kaidan's back and drawing his nails down it in time, "te quiero mucho."

Kaidan swore again, biting the thick muscle of Shepard's shoulder lightly as he raised a hand and slipped his fingers into his mouth. Shepard was startled for a moment, he had gotten used to being on top over the years. He only hesitated for a second before he ran his tongue over Kaidan's fingers, slipping it between the knuckles as their eyes locked. He could be flexible. He would have done just about anything at that moment, no matter how weird, if it just meant they could finally be together.

"I thought you'd never been with a man before," he said, shuddering and going stiff for a moment when Kaidan pushed a finger inside him.

"I did some homework," Kaidan replied, watching his face carefully.

Shepard pulled him down, their lips coming together, and lost himself in the velvet heat of his mouth and tongue. Kaidan was patient, slow, and what had felt uncomfortable and painful quickly became sweet. Shepard gasped against his mouth as he pulled his fingers out and positioned himself carefully.

"Are you ready?" He asked, ever the gentleman.

"Si," Shepard moaned, no longer lapsing into Spanish for the romantic effect. He couldn't come up with an English word to save his life. His hands clenched tight on Kaidan's shoulders, his nails digging into his skin as a flush spread across his face. The heat was painful, almost unbearable. "Kaidan, te necesito."

Kaidan pushed forward slowly, carefully. He was as cautious in this as he was in anything else but there was more to it as well, something tender rather than just timid. Shepard resisted the natural urge to whimper and squirm at the invasion, his hands still braced against Kaidan's shoulder as his breathing became short and heavy. His eyes screwed closed and he grimaced. He wondered for a moment if maybe he wasn't as flexible as he'd thought.

The moment passed. Shepard's eyes opened as Kaidan pulled back a little and thrust into him again, his movements still short and gentle. His hand ran along the smooth line of Shepard's jaw as the other planted against the floor beside his head and held him up. He thrust again and Shepard moaned, pleasure finally finding its way through the discomfort. His legs wrapped themselves around Kaidan's waist with no urging from his brain.

"I love you," Kaidan said. He sounded stunned, like the weight of it all hadn't quite struck him until this moment. Shepard could understand that feeling.

"Ah!" Shepard cried out in pleasure, one hand moving to the back of Kaidan's neck as the other braced itself against his shoulder. "Estoy enamorada de ti," he breathed, shuddering against the floor as their pace increased, "ah... que rico, Kaidan."

He'd forgotten how good this could feel, with the right person at least. Their speed increased as the pain retreated and Shepard's eyes closed, his body rocking in time with Kaidan. He felt beads of sweat trickle across his forehead and run through his short red hair and Kaidan locked his fingers in the damp strands, pulling his head back so he could kiss his neck, his earlobes, teeth and tongue slipping out to tease the most sensitive places. He thrust deeper, harder than he had before and his biotics flared, a flicker of blue energy that crackled across his shoulders and down his arms, raising the fine hair on Shepard's arms like a shock of static electricity.

"Que riquisimo," Shepard moaned, whispering it into Kaidan's ear, "me encanta."

Their pace increased, and gained a frantic edge that had Shepard's nails digging into Kaidan's skin, his eyes fluttering closed as his mouth formed meaningless sounds of pleasure. Kaidan's biotics flared again, and then again, wreathing him in blue light that made Shepard's skin tingle. His hand moved between them and gripped his hard length and Shepard gasped, every muscle drawing tight as a bowstring as he hurtled toward the black edge of completion.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered his name in his ear, "look at me."

He wasn't sure what the point of it was, until he forced his eyes open and blinked sweat away from them, looking up into Kaidan's eyes. It was different like this, not a frantic push toward physical completion but an act of connection. This wasn't sex, it was making love and for some reason that just made it hotter. Shepard gasped and writhed and called Kaidan's name as they both tumbled over the edge. Shepard could feel every muscle clench like an angry fist as a he came into Kaidan's palm, his hips bucking as his legs tightened around the other mans waist. He felt Kaidan come inside him a moment later.

"Ay dios mio," Shepard sighed, wiping his forehead on the back of his hand as Kaidan collapsed against his chest, breathing hard and ragged. "Eres fabuloso en la cama."

"I am going to have to learn Spanish if you start using it all the time," Kaidan threatened wearily, his forehead pressed against Shepard's chest, over the heart.

"Sorry," Shepard laughed, "it's been a while since I actually forgot how to speak English. Take it as a compliment."

"I do," Kaidan looked up and smiled, stretching up until their lips met. He rolled them over and Shepard shuddered as he slipped out and wrapped his arms around Kaidan's neck, pulling them close. They kissed for a long moment, slow and lazy and satiated.

"Jesus Christ," Shepard sighed when their lips parted, "even I had no idea how much I needed that. I feel like I could hop out and punch Harbinger in the face right now."

He nestled against Kaidan's side, his arm thrown lazily over his chest, his head on his shoulder. Kaidan's arm was against his shoulders, the other folded over Shepard's hand on his chest. Pretty damn snuggly for a couple of military slobs, but Shepard just closed his eyes and ignored the part of him that told him he was being silly. The moment was still, like an island of peace in the middle of all the war around them. Shepard would have loved for it to last forever, but the real world would find them eventually. They would have to get cleaned up and try to pretend everyone didn't know what was going on, and then probably have to fight their way through some sort of fucked up situation at the asari monastery.

He thought about checking the time on his omni-tool, but he was too comfortable at the moment. He had no way of knowing how long the two of them just lay there together, not talking and not feeling any need to.

"We probably could have done this in your cabin," Kaidan said finally. "We're like teenagers, fucking on the floor."

"Can't beat the view," Shepard replied, looking up. "I was trying to be romantic."

Kaidan smiled at him.

"Were you whispering romanticthings in my ear then?" He asked with a wicked grin. "Because they sure didn't sound romantic."

"It wasn't all dirty," he laughed, "sometimes things just sound weird and unnatural in English. Maybe it's just easier to say some things when people don't understand what I'm saying." He paused, rolling a few of those certain things over in his head.

"Te amare para siempre," he said softly, something he didn't think he'd ever feel comfortable saying when anyone could understand him.

Kaidan stroked the line of his jaw gently, his smile tender. Clearly he'd understood at least some of that, even if it was nothing more than the tone of his voice.

Then they sat up and cleaned themselves up, laughing a little bit at the sight of their clothes strewn across the observation deck. Shepard was beginning to feel the cold of the metal floor against his skin and the stiffness reclining on it was putting into his muscles. He had a powerful craving for a cigarette, but he knew Kaidan hated it and he'd decided to quit after their date on the Presidium.

"So... are you going back on duty?" Kaidan asked, his casual tone so exaggerated it made Shepard laugh.

"I told EDI that she was forbidden to bother me for the next," he finally checked his clock, "two hours."

Kaidan grinned.

"While maybe we should go up to your cabin," he suggested.

"You want to go another round?" Shepard asked with a grin.

"Yeah," Kaidan blushed a little, even standing naked with him wiping his cum off his hand. "I was thinking maybe... we could try it the other way around?"

Shepard's grin widened.

"You're the best," he said earnestly, "have I told you that?"

Kaidan shook his head no.

"But you can tell me all about it when we get to your cabin," he said as he tossed Shepard his trousers, "in Spanish."

Sorry if the Spanish is a little shaky. It's been a few years since I was anywhere that I needed to speak it frequently, and they sure didn't teach stuff like that in Conversational 100.

Anyway. I've been thinking a lot about how I want to end this story lately and I've made a decision.

After re-reading portions of the finished product and thinking about how I wanted to resolve the story I've decided I'm probably going to finish this one up in the next few chapters. I'm then going to get the old parts betaed and add some things that I wish I'd added that will help me resolve some things between characters and give me more to write about in the ME3 section of the story. I'll also probably do a lot more with Shepard's younger years, because there are some things I want to do there too.

I'm still struggling with how exactly I want to end it. I think I'm going to take a look at the Extended Edition before I make up my mind, so I don't know how fast the next few updates are going to be.

If anyone knows, or maybe is, a good beta-reader please drop me a suggestion through a PM.