Epilogue
Peace is not just the absence of war, it is accord and harmony. No man can go back and change his beginnings to make himself free from war, but any man can start in war and seek a peaceful end.
- Matriarch Nazerine
She started crying right on time, two hours after the last bout, just when he was getting back to sleep.
"I'll get it."
Kaidan murmured thanks as he felt a warm, sleepy kiss on his temple, dry and scratchy with stubble. He burrowed deeper into his pillow as the bed shifted and he listened to bare feet pad across the floor and away, down the hall. He frowned, trying to will himself into the black oblivion that his body craved, but the crying continued, unchecked, until he sighed with defeat and pushed himself up.
"What's up?" He asked, rubbing sleep out of his eyes as he emerged into the kitchen.
"I don't know. She just won't stop."
Shepard bounced the baby against his shoulder and shot Kaidan a desperate look. He was looking baggy and hollow, deep bags worked under his blood shot eyes like smears of india ink. He rubbed the squalling baby gently between the shoulder blades and kissed her ear, but his affection only seemed to upset her more. Her tiny hands balled into fists, beating against his shoulder as she screwed up her face and wailed.
"Did you change her?"
"No," Shepard snapped, "that never occurred to me in the last fifteen minutes of screaming."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well..." Shepard looked away, scowling, and shrugged. "Me too."
"You don't have to get her every time," Kaidan said, coming up beside him and putting a hand on his free shoulder, squeezing. "We're in this together."
"I... damnit," Shepard swore, looking away into the shadows, "just... take her. Please, take her."
He handed the baby over and pushed past Kaidan, heading back toward their darkened bedroom.
"Shh," Kaidan whispered, resettling her against his shoulder and patting her back in gentle circles. "He's just tired, and all your crying is stressing him out. Daddy loves you."
She burped twice and spit up a big patch of warm liquid that soaked into his t-shirt, already stained by half a dozen such accidents, and finally quieted. He walked in circles around the kitchen island, singing disjointed snips of lullabies and trying to ignore the toys, scatted like landmines across the floor. After a few minutes he felt her relax completely and carried her back to the small nursery, tucking her in under her blankets. He ran a finger down the trim, hand-stitched silk in a pattern of tropical fish. Shepard had picked them out.
They had adopted Ashley four months ago, just a few weeks after she had been born and surrendered to Children's Services in Havana by her mother. The first time he held her Kaidan had felt his entire world contort and contract, centering in around the tiny bundle of caramel skin and black fuzz in his arms. He'd felt like he was never going to stop smiling.
Shepard hadn't smiled once. He hadn't really had any reaction at all, just studied her face for a long time, staring into those brown eyes until Kaidan hadn't been able to resist.
"Well?"
"She's... good. I mean, great. She's great."
Things had gone downhill from there.
Kaidan found him still awake when he returned to the bedroom. Shepard was sitting on the edge of their bed with his face blank, hands braced against his knees as he stared into the gathered shadows. Neither of them spoke as Kaidan stripped out of his spittle-soaked shirt and pulled on another.
"I'm sorry," Shepard said when he went to climb back into bed.
"I know," Kaidan sighed. They sat with their backs to each other for a moment, in silence.
"You're so good with her, and I'm... I'm terrible," Shepard put his head in his hands, his voice brittle, cracking on the last word. "I should have known this would happen."
"Stop," Kaidan turned, scooting across the bed and putting his arms around him from behind. Shepard didn't react to the touch, he stayed bowed in around himself like a defeated man. "You're trying. Not everyone can just turn father mode on like they're flipping a switch."
"It's not that," Shepard moved his hands to his knees but his head stayed down, like he was holding all the weight of the world on the back of his neck. "When we were talking about getting her she was just this nebulous blob surrounded by a pink glow. It was easy, just buying things and filling out paperwork and giggling like twits. But I knew the moment I saw her."
"Knew what?"
"I'm going to break her," Shepard said, his hands clenching into fists and his voice trembling. "She's so small, so vulnerable, and so not prepared for all the totally messed up parts of me. It's like holding a glass doll and I just know that I'm going to..." He mimed dropping something valuable to the ground and sighed heavily, his shoulders grinding down another inch.
Kaidan adjusted his grip, laying his chin on Shepard's shoulder so he could watch his face, lit by the glow of the hallway light spilling into their room. He looked so tired, and he was losing weight as well, the healthy layer of fat wasting away until Kaidan could see each muscle and tendon standing out under his skin. He'd let his hair grow black and shaggy over the last couple years, stopped shaving twice a week, and lost his heavy military body, replacing it with the lean, hard muscle of a swimmer. In the shadows of the dark room, with that look of utter defeat on his face, and everything that had changed so much about him it was hard to recognize him for a moment.
"Shepard," Kaidan sighed, "that's just bullshit. I'm sorry, it is."
A smile cracked Shepard's grim mask and he turned, catching Kaidan's gaze. His eyes were the same, if a little dopey from lack of sleep. Still the bluest things Kaidan had ever seen, and he could look through the thin physical shell that had changed so much and see Shepard in them, as clear as anything. They smiled at each other for a moment, and Shepard turned, pulling one knee up on the bed and sliding his arms around him, pulling him close.
"There is... something inside of you, Shepard, that makes you want to protect people so desperately you'll do it until it kills you. And, I mean, it literally did kill you that one time," Kaidan grinned, brushing his jaw with his thumb, feeling the now familiar scratch of his stubble. "And I think when people ask how and why you were able to do everything you did, that's why. And I think when I wonder how we wound up here together like this, that's why too. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, I know you'll give the same inhuman devotion you gave the galaxy to our daughter. I know you'll do anything for her. And if you do," Kaidan mimed dropping something, "I'll be there. Because we're in this together."
Shepard had gone serious again at some point during his talk, but he smiled again after a moment, grinned, full of the same expansive confidence that had once made him seem so invincible. He pulled Kaidan closer and kissed him, slow and deep, savouring every moment. They hadn't had time for intimacy in weeks, and Kaidan closed his eyes, leaning into it.
"We should get married," Shepard said, when they broke apart.
"I thought you said marriage was stupid and we didn't need a piece of jewelry to tell us what we were to each other," Kaidan said, quoting verbatim from the conversation they'd had almost five years ago, sitting in the same bed.
"I know, I say a lot of stupid bullshit. You're the one that makes me realize just how stupid it is, which tells me that I should probably marry you."
"Romantic."
"I'm serious. I don't know what I'd do without you," Shepard did look very serious as he said this, his blue eyes catching the light. "You make me stronger than I ever was when I was saving the galaxy. You're all I want, all I need. Just you, and Ashley. I want to be your husband, and I want you to mine."
"You are being romantic," Kaidan grinned. It was a rare occasion, neither of them was really equipped to be the sweet nothings type. He pulled Shepard close and kissed him again. His skin was warm and he tightened his arms, pulling Shepard onto the bed and laying him down on the silk sheets. It had been a long time since they'd been able to devote so much attention to one another and he spent a moment rediscovering the typography of his body, fingers and tongue exploring.
"Shepard," he whispered, leaning back before the momentum seized him and carried him away, "I'd love to marry you."
They married each other on the beach outside Puerto Vallarta three months later, with only their friends and his mother to witness. Everything was white, the chairs and the simple flowers, the cotton beach clothes they wore, Ashley's dress as she burbled happily in her grandmothers arms and watched. Shepard shaved and cut his hair, but left it black. Neither of them wore their dress uniforms or their piles of medals and commendation bars. Everything was fresh and new.
"Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve all this," Shepard said as his new mother-in-law handed over their infant baby. Ashley reached for him and cooed, stroking his smooth cheeks with her tiny hands.
"I don't," Kaidan kissed his cheek. Ashley grabbed hold of Shepard's earlobes, one in each hand, and gave them a yank, giggling with delight at the face he pulled. "Look at that. I think she just hated your patchy beard."
"It wasn't patchy!" Shepard looked offended, or tried to, it couldn't quite make it through his smile. "Still. I think I'll start shaving again."
"Thank god."
Just like that it was perfect, exactly the way weddings were supposed to be.
"So," Garrus came up behind him, his heavy boots rattling the boards of the dock. Shepard looked up, his feet trailing in the cool water, and smiled as he caught sight of the bottle in his clawed hand.
"What's your offering?"
"Turian bourbon."
"They have that?" Shepard perked up immediately. "How did you get it?"
"Some humans had turian alcohol in their collections. Believe me, it wasn't cheap. It wouldn't have been cheap on Palaven."
"Colour me intrigued," Shepard patted the dock beside him. "Pull up a seat, Vakarian."
"Aye, aye Commander. Or should I call you Captain now?"
Shepard was quiet for a moment.
"I think I'd like people to call me David," he said finally. "I've been thinking about it for a while. Shepard's become a title more than a name, the minute I introduce myself all people see is the legend. I don't think Ashley should grow up with that as her father."
Garrus sat down, tucking his heels against the edge of the dock and cracking the seal on the bottle.
"That's going to take some getting used to," Garrus' voice was dry. "Do you really think that people aren't going to recognize you?"
"I barely recognize myself anymore," Shepard replied, shrugging. "I'm skinny and darker brown than I've ever been, my hair's black. I think I'm going to go to medical school when Ash gets a little older. Pediatrician Doctor David Shepard doesn't sound very legendary."
"Pediatrician? Really?"
"I want to do something good," Shepard laughed, "but something that doesn't involve running all over the galaxy shooting things. I want to set a good example."
"It still boggles my mind that you're a father."
"It boggles your mind?" Shepard shook his head and sighed. "Imagine how I feel. Sometimes I go into her room while she's sleeping just to make sure she's really there and I haven't imagined the whole thing."
He accepted the glass that Garrus handed him, the light of the setting sun catching the gold ring on his finger. He studied it for a moment, hyper aware of its weight and warmth against his skin. The liquor poured black and thick as oil, but the light caught it and the surface shimmered, reflecting swirls of red and gold light.
"I didn't mean it like that. It's just... really great. Congratulations."
"Thanks."
They tapped their glasses together and drank. The turian bourbon was strong enough to make his eyes water, and carbonated like all turian booze seemed to be. It stung his nose with harsh floral and citrus as a taste like melted butter and sweet garlic coated his tongue.
"Jesus," he sputtered, grimacing around the mouthful, "that is ungodly foul."
"Yeah," Garrus' mandibles were twitching and he seemed to be having difficulty mustering a grimace strong enough to express his displeasure. "What a waste."
"Oh well," Shepard shrugged and nudged him with the glass. "Give me some more."
"Seriously?"
"If the bottle was that expensive then we better damn well drink it. Besides, I don't want to head back into the crowd just yet."
"Did the idea of not drinking occur to you?"
"Is that a serious question?"
They grinned at each other and Garrus shrugged, pouring for them both. They sat for a while, swearing and gagging around swallows of bourbon, both of them determined to get through it until the haze of alcohol took over and dulled their tastebuds.
"That one wasn't so bad," Shepard said, about four glasses in, "how much have we got left?"
"About half the bottle."
"Goddamn," he swore, leaning back and examining his fresh drink. "I miss this. I mean, I get that you want to be with the other turians, but Jupiter is a fuck of a long way to go for a drink these days."
"Yeah," Garrus sighed and leaned back with him, the two of them examining the emerging stars. "I never get used to the stars being so different," he said after a moment. "I keep looking up for the Warrior Queen, and the Hunters Eye and they aren't there. It's strange to think I'm never going to see them again."
"That's a bitch," Shepard agreed. "I'm sorry, Garrus."
"It's not all bad," he said after a moment, taking another drink. "Dextro terraforming is difficult but not impossible, and it keeps me busy. And the two of us managed to iron out the treaties well enough that I haven't gotten much push back from the human government at all."
"Our proudest moment," Shepard grinned, "becoming diplomats. The two of us proving the rest of our species could get along as well as we do."
"Well," Garrus laughed, "maybe not quite as well."
"Maybe not," Shepard grinned and hit Garrus lightly on the shoulder with the side of his hand. "I love you, brother."
"I love you too," Garrus hit him back, not lightly at all.
"I take it back. I hate you again."
"No you don't, David," he gestured with his drink and brandished the still heavy bottle. "Now drink up. We're not finished yet."
Well there it is. I don't know that I'm satisfied with it, but after struggling with finding the ending and then deciding whether I wanted to post it I decided to go for it. This isn't nessecarily the ending I'm planning for my revised version of the story, which I've started posting already, but it was the best ending I saw for this particular incarnation of Shepard. When I conceived this story I envisioned him as a tragic character, but when push came to shove this ending just felt more right. And I like it, if nothing else, so at least there's that.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll all take a look at Legend as I continue to update it throughout the summer.
Bye for now!
- K