A/N: Promise me you won't stop reading halfway through because there's a resolution by the end. It'll be okay. Just a lot of feelings. :D
Chapter Twelve:
"The five Warblers piled into Hunter's SUV and took the drive to Scandals that Hunter now knew far too well. The name was ridiculous, it was probably the least scandalous place in existence. Of course, the bar didn't need its own scandals when Sebastian was involved. Immediately upon entering, Sebastian ordered drinks for everybody, downed two shots, and hit the dance floor. He seemed to have a gift for picking out the one or two good looking young men."
Sebastian smiled with memories for a week, then Jeff gave him a late Christmas present, a DVD he'd burned himself simply labeled 'Blaine' in Jeff's handwriting, and then under that in Nick's handwriting 'not happening, get over yourself'. Curious, since he'd received no explanation, Sebastian popped the DVD into his computer. Up came a main menu, Jeff had obviously spent a lot of time on this. Sebastian instinctively clicked on 'Play All'.
Hi. I'm Blaine Anderson, and I'm an acorn. The Blaine on the screen burst out laughing. Sorry, can we try that again? The frame blipped and Blaine was still there, Warbler uniform and all, smiling at the camera. Hi, I'm Blaine Anderson, and I'm an acorn. No! I was thinking acorn that time. I'm sorry. One more time. Please.
Jeff's voice came from behind the camera, No, just go on.
I'm a Warbler, Blaine said. That's what I do. The Warblers are the best show choir in Ohio, and I'm the lead singer. The Warblers are like… rock stars.
The picture faded out and was replaced with a shot of the senior commons, full of Dalton uniforms, obviously an impromptu performance.
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
You think I'm pretty without any makeup on
Now every February, you'll be my Valentine…
The video quality was a little grainy, and the audio sounded like the Warblers were too awesome for the poor camera's microphone, but even so, Blaine was amazing. The camera panned around the room, showing the Warblers and the crowd, including a boy at the door who stuck out like a rather sore thumb. Actually… was that Kurt? He looked so much younger. But Blaine, wow, Blaine was gorgeous. The number faded all too soon, to be replaced with Blaine again.
Hi again. Blaine Warbler here. I'm not an acorn. Jeff won't tell me why he's making this, I feel like I'm on Big Brother.
It's part of being a Warbler, even ask Wes, Thad's voice said from offscreen.
Being a Warbler is the greatest. It's all harmony and brotherhood and being one with the music in a very upscale and traditional way.
The picture changed, seemed to be footage of a Warbler party, most likely in the backyard of one of the Warblers who lived nearby, since Sebastian didn't recognize it. Blaine was standing on a picnic table, crooning to his heart's content, an empty bottle of tequila in his left hand.
Na na na, come on!
I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it…
Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!
Sebastian laughed as Blaine jumped off the picnic table, dancing around someone who must have been Wes, holding the gavel, Nick's gavel. Sebastian paused the video briefly to pick up his phone, texting Jeff.
Scandals tonight, just you and me?
The reply came not long after, Shouldn't.
Why not? Sebastian inquired.
Nicky and I are fighting.
Where are you?
No reply. Sebastian had instincts and, pulling on a coat to protect against the January air, went out to the Lacrosse field. Jeff was sitting, no coat, underneath the bleachers, his back against the cold metal.
"So, nice day to sit outside," Sebastian said, sitting down next to Jeff. It really wasn't. The wind whipped through that part of campus like no other. "Tropical." No response from Jeff. Sebastian shed his coat and put it around Jeff, who was only in a t-shirt. "Do you want to go inside and talk about it?"
"No." A word was better than no words, so Sebastian pressed a little more.
"Do you want to talk about it right here?"
"No."
"Do you want to go to Scandals and drink until you forget your own name?" Sebastian asked. A tear fell out of Jeff's eye. "Come on, tell me, what's going on?"
"It's stupid, really," Jeff said. "We've really only fought, seriously fought twice."
"And you've been together how long?" Sebastian asked.
"A thousand years," Jeff replied.
"A thousand years, right," Sebastian repeated. "And what are you fighting about?"
"The first time, it was because Nick wasn't wearing his sweater vest on sweater vest Monday," Jeff recited. "The second time was when you replaced him as Captain."
"And now?" Sebastian asked.
"He even said so himself, everyone's entitled to their own fantasies. Everybody has fantasies, don't they?" Jeff asked.
"I know I do," Sebastian said.
"But apparently I'm not entitled to these particular fantasies," Jeff continued.
"What fantasies are these?" Sebastian asked, interested.
"It's not really weird or anything," Jeff said, not answering the question yet again. "He knows he's the one I want to play out my fantasies with, so he's really being pretty unreasonable."
"What, did you write him a list or something?" Sebastian asked, a little confused.
"It's on my computer," Jeff said. "When I think of another one, I add it on, so I can keep track. Like a bucketlist."
"Right…" Sebastian said. "So Nick found it and he's mad?"
"Some of the items may be less than tasteful," Jeff admitted.
"They're supposed to be, they're fantasies," Sebastian said. "Even I have a kinks list."
"Nicky's not really one to talk at all, with the way he talks about John Barrowman," Jeff said. "Just because I have a fantasy man that's a lot … closer to home…" Jeff turned kind of pink and Sebastian finally understood.
"Come on, we're going to Scandals," Sebastian said, standing up and offering a hand to pull Jeff up. "You'll feel better."
"I don't know if I should," Jeff said, standing up, but looking at the ground. "Nicky told me not to talk to you."
"And you're just going to let him run your life? He's such a buzzkill," Sebastian said. "Let's go."
"I can't wear this to Scandals," Jeff said, indicating his track pants and t-shirt.
"You can wear something of mine. We're about the same size, right?" Sebastian asked.
Twenty minutes of deciding what to wear and the thirty minute car drive to Scandals later, and Sebastian and Jeff were finally on the dance floor, three shots already coursing into their bloodstream.
"So, what's so saucy on this list?" Sebastian asked, after shot number seven. "What am I doing on it?" He grinned, eyes glinting. Jeff groaned. "Just water for him," Sebastian added to the bartender as more shots were poured. "You don't have to tell me," he continued in Jeff's direction, "if you're embarrassed."
"It's not embarrassing," Jeff said. "At least, I'm not embarrassed by it."
"So what am I doing?" Sebastian asked.
"It was only a suggestion, most likely a feasible one," Jeff said, "of maybe having a threesome one day."
"Oh, I see," Sebastian said. "You know I've never had a threesome."
"Seems like it would be right up your alley," Jeff said.
"Never found a couple that was willing," Sebastian shrugged, pounding another shot. Jeff reached for another as well, but Sebastian grabbed his hand. "No more for you, I don't want you puking on me."
"It's not like I ever talked to you about it," Jeff said, "and I'd want Nicky to be there. You're dreamy and everything, but it's him I'm in love with. Always have been."
"Yeah, you've got that old ball and chain alright," Sebastian said, letting out a sigh. "I guess since you won't remember this tomorrow, I can say I've had a taste of that. It hurts, Jeff, it really hurts."
"It only hurts because you're not together," Jeff said. "If you were together, it would be the most wonderful thing you've ever done. You can do the one-night-stand thing, you can even try to drink it away, but you can't get rid of it. It will never go away. And it'll hurt until you deal with it."
"Don't tell me how to deal with my feelings," Sebastian said. "You're the one fighting with his boyfriend."
"You're the one who dragged me here and got me drunk," Jeff said.
"Yeah, because I know you'll never lose control enough to let me do this when you're sober," Sebastian said, his left hand still holding Jeff's, and his right hand tangling in the long blond hair as he pulled Jeff's head close, mashing their lips together. He eventually broke away, panting. Jeff gasped for air. "This is going to be worth every second of the chase." Jeff didn't have anything to say, just took the glass of water the bartender had poured and drained it. "Jeff?"
"Yeah," Jeff mumbled.
"Are you okay?" Sebastian asked. It took Jeff a second to realize Sebastian was genuinely concerned and Jeff shook his head. "Tell me to stop and I will." Jeff shook his head again. "Jeff?"
"I don't want you to stop," Jeff whispered. At this point, Sebastian had two options, take things into the bathroom for quick and dirty, or endure almost thirty minutes of foreplay in the cab ride back to Sebastian's dorm room for the best night either of them had ever had. He chose the latter, immediately pulling Jeff off his barstool, out of the club and into a cab conveniently waiting outside.
Twenty-four minutes of agonizingly slow, intimate kisses later, they were parked outside their dorm. Sebastian threw a few bills at the cabbie, before whisking Jeff up to his pleasure palace. Okay, dorm room, but pleasure palace sounded a lot better.
"Are you still sure?" Sebastian asked one more time, giving Jeff one more chance to leave, go back next door, and forget this night ever happened.
"Absolutely," Jeff breathed, lust and alcohol clouding his better judgment.
When Jeff woke up the next morning, he was lost, disoriented. Sebastian had, with Jeff's help, rearranged his furniture several months before so that his two beds were pushed together for a larger sleeping surface, and the setup was very similar to Nick and Jeff's, but Jeff knew that it wasn't his own bedroom, knew that the warm body next to his wasn't Nick's, knew that he'd done something awful. The snippets he could remember of the night had been fantastic, but that was beside the point. He'd cheated, he'd honest-to-God cheated, something he'd sworn he would never do, not to Nick, not with Sebastian. And he had.
Jeff rolled over, intent on getting out of bed, but an arm reached out for him. "Stay," Sebastian whined. He didn't seem the type to get clingy, but apparently hung over, morning after Sebastian was a cuddle whore as well. Jeff let Sebastian hold him in his embrace. He'd almost forgotten why he'd gone to the bar in the first place, almost forgotten the circumstances under which he'd left Nick, almost. Sebastian's arms were strong, and Sebastian's smooth, bare chest was warm against Jeff's own. Sebastian, without really moving, puckered his lips to kiss whatever part of Jeff's body was closest to them. It just so happened that that part was Jeff's lips, and Jeff kissed him back, wondering for the first time in a thousand years, what it would be like to be with someone that wasn't Nick. It was then that Jeff knew he had really thrown things down the toilet for him and Nick. It had been fixable, just a little fight, nothing serious. This, this was serious. Honest-to-God cheated.
"Bas?" Jeff asked quietly.
"Hmm?" Sebastian hummed.
"What am I going to do?"
"Go back to sleep," Sebastian suggested. Jeff took the advice, drifting back off to slumber-land. It was late in the afternoon when he woke up next, Sebastian still next to him. He was awake, but he hadn't moved, just staring at Jeff's perfect face and body, so beautiful, especially sleeping, like an angel. "Good morning, sleepyhead." Sebastian smiled and Jeff began to wonder for just a second whether Sebastian really was in love with Blaine, whether it wasn't him. Then an image of Sebastian's face lighting up when Blaine had sang at Sectionals came to mind, and the thought was dismissed.
"Morning," Jeff mumbled. He felt awful. He had a headache and he thought he was going to puke, but above all else, he felt like he should be running away as fast as possible, but he couldn't will himself to leave Sebastian's arms. He didn't know what to say, and hoped Sebastian would start a conversation, otherwise he might just fall back asleep.
"You're so beautiful," Sebastian said. Not the conversation Jeff had hoped he would start, but better than silence. "I can't believe you can't see it." Jeff didn't reply. "I usually don't do this, the whole domestic, cuddling, watching you sleep thing. Just you." Jeff still couldn't think of anything to say. "Do you regret it, last night?"
"I don't know yet," Jeff said, unable to say the word 'yes' with Sebastian looking at him like that.
"Did you enjoy it, at least?"
"I definitely did," Jeff replied, letting out a sigh. A tear he hadn't realized was there fell out of the corner of his eye, sideways across his face towards his ear, and onto the mattress.
"Hey, hey," Sebastian said, his thumb connecting with the tear's trail, rubbing the wet off Jeff's face, "what's this?"
"Regret," Jeff whispered, unable to make his voice any louder. Sebastian's face fell.
"Never regret something that once made you smile," Sebastian said.
"What would you know about it?" Jeff asked, more tears falling out of his eyes. Sebastian pulled Jeff a little closer, and Jeff buried his head in the mattress, near Sebastian's shoulder.
"I've had a few regrets," Sebastian said. "Undoubtedly this will add to that list."
"What am I going to do?" Jeff cried.
"Shh, shh," Sebastian said, his hands like fire on Jeff's back, rubbing it softly. "It's okay."
"No, it's not," Jeff mumbled, very muffled, since he was basically talking to the mattress. "It will never be okay."
"Jeff?" Jeff grunted. "I never had a best friend before you."
"I wonder why."
"I'm sorry."
"So am I."
It took several hours for either one of them to leave the bed. It was Sunday, so it's not like they had anywhere better to be. Jeff knew he should have left hours ago, but he couldn't will himself to get up and face what he knew was waiting for him in his bedroom. Sebastian finally did get up first, and only went so far as the bathroom to take a shower. Jeff just lay in bed, uninspired to move. Sebastian finished his shower, walking out of the bathroom in just a towel. There was a familiarity between them, and neither said anything, Sebastian just pulled on underwear and a pair of gym shorts, and climbed back into bed.
"Stay as long as you like," Sebastian said. Jeff just cried and cried until he fell asleep again, and then it was very early Monday morning. "Jeff… you have to get up, we have class."
Jeff groaned and rolled over. He hadn't gotten up, eaten or even moved since they'd arrived back Saturday night. His uniform was in his own room, where Nick was. He couldn't do it, but then somehow his feet were on the floor and he realized he was still naked, totally, completely naked. His white skin looked too white in the low light from the rising sun. He stumbled his way into the bathroom and caught his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a mess, even more than he usually thought, and his face looked awful, with deep circles under his eyes. He heard the water running next door, and the tears came again.
"I never meant to hurt you," Sebastian said, standing in the doorway of the bathroom, already in his uniform. "I never even really meant to… do this. It's like I'm a completely different person when I'm drunk, and I'm so sorry."
"I think we both knew what would happen before we'd even left the Lacrosse field," Jeff said. "It's done." His face was like stone, completely emotionless, just looking at himself in the mirror.
"I'm trying to change," Sebastian said, still intent on explaining himself.
"It won't matter," Jeff replied. "Everyone knows who you are now. It's too late."
"I never wanted to hurt you," Sebastian repeated. "I only wanted to show you a good time."
"Forget it," Jeff said, still stony. "Just stop." Sebastian sighed and left the bathroom doorway.
"I'll get you a blazer…" Sebastian said, barely audible, then the sound of the door opening and shutting, then just silence. Eventually Jeff found himself in the shower, trying to scrub the memory off his skin, to wash the guilt away, but it didn't. Sebastian was back with a spare uniform by the time Jeff got out of the shower. He knew as well as Jeff did that Jeff wasn't going into his room to get his own. "I'll get it dry cleaned when you're finished with it…"
Jeff didn't know where spare uniforms came from, but he didn't care, just pulled it on, thankful to have this cloth armor back in place. He usually wore the Dalton attire like a badge of honor, but now it was like a giant shield, protecting him from everything and everyone around him.
Nick and Jeff didn't have first period together, or second, or any classes at all until after lunch. Jeff spotted Nick across the cafeteria between David and Thad, wearing his red Dalton sweater vest, because after all, it was Monday. And every Monday was sweater vest Monday. Jeff felt even more guilty, just knowing he wasn't wearing his. Nick didn't look in Jeff's direction during lunch. Jeff sat by himself, far on the other side of the room. Sebastian had his usual lunch with Trent, usually Nick and Jeff ate with them too, the self-proclaimed Gay Men of Dalton Academy club, as Nick had always called it.
Nick didn't look at Jeff in math class, not even one glance, and Jeff tried to keep the tears off his face. They didn't even speak to each other during the first obligatory council meeting of the year, as they sat side-by-side at the council table. Sebastian had, at some time after Sectionals, replaced David as the third councilor. Sebastian didn't try to apologize, didn't even try to talk to Nick or Jeff, and after the council meeting, Nick and Jeff walked in complete and utter silence back to their dorm. Neither of them said a word all afternoon. Neither of them said a word to each other all day Tuesday or Wednesday either. It was only on Thursday, when Nick finally broke the silence.
"I can't find my good pen," he said, more of a statement than a question.
"Check your blazer pocket," Jeff replied, completely monotone. Nick got up from his desk and fished in the inside pocket of his blazer, hanging on the back of the door, and sure enough, there was his pen. Not another word was exchanged.
It went on for two weeks. The silence, the guilt, the skirting around each other because of their complete inability to start a conversation about it. Neither was really sure if they were even still together. Jeff didn't eat, didn't sleep, and he knew Nick wasn't either. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and went to Sebastian.
"Hey, beautiful, long time, no see," Sebastian said, looking up to see Jeff standing in the doorway of his room. Jeff walked in and shut the door behind him. "This is not a friendly visit, is it?" Jeff shook his head. He'd lost fifteen pounds already, and at his size, it wasn't healthy. Sebastian could tell, just by looking at him, that this was not going to be easy. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I don't know what else to do," Jeff croaked. "I can't do this anymore. Stop me before I decide to jump off the roof."
"Okay," Sebastian said, gauging the situation. "I can fix this, don't worry about it." He took his phone out of his pocket.
"What are you doing?"
"Shh," Sebastian said to Jeff, selecting a contact on his phone and calling it. "Hey killer, I need your help."
Blaine was surprised Sebastian had called him out of the blue, though he shouldn't have been. It was Saturday afternoon, after all, and he wasn't really doing anything.
"Hey, Sebastian. What's going on?"
"I need you to use your telepathy," Sebastian said. "What does Nick consider to be the greatest love song of all time?"
"Why don't you just ask him?" Blaine asked.
"It's a surprise for him," Sebastian said. "Asking would give it away."
"I can try, but I don't really…" Blaine said. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Sebastian said, trying to sound innocent. "Take your time. Text me the song. Toodles." He hung up. Jeff was staring at him. "Don't worry, I got you. Don't sweat it. Eat something. You want me to take you to McDonalds?"
"No," Jeff barely mumbled. Just the thought of food made him want to be sick.
"You're skin and bones, I'm not letting you out of my sight until you agree to eat something," Sebastian said. He got up from his chair and began to rummage through his spare dresser. Among the many bottles of tequila, he found a small bag of cheez-its and a can of oranges. "Please?" Jeff took the bag and the can, agreeing to eat them, but left the room without opening either, and when he got back into his own room, just dumped them on his desk and collapsed into bed. Nick wasn't there. The two beds in the room were still pushed together, but it wasn't any better than it would have been if they'd separated them. They didn't touch, they didn't speak, they just existed.
Sunday afternoon, Jeff found himself accosted by Sebastian, who was attempting to stuff a sheet of music into his hands.
"What are you–" Jeff asked, but Sebastian cut him off.
"Don't ask, just do, and for God's sake, eat something!" Sebastian said, before running off, more papers in his hands to give out. Jeff looked down at his paper. Drops of Jupiter. Next to the title, Sebastian had scribbled 'Jeff's first proper solo' and a smiley face. Jeff flipped through the whole thing. Sebastian had written one last thing, at the very end. 'Knock em dead.' A smile crossed Jeff's face for the first time in weeks.
On Monday, Jeff pulled his sweater vest on under his blazer, and saw Nick doing the same, but he didn't say anything. He waited out the whole day, until Warblers practice right after last period.
"Beats?" Jeff said, a little hesitant. Beats nodded at him. "Hit it."
Nick was surprised, and it brought tears to his eyes, though he wiped them away furiously.
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had
And me
It wasn't enough to fix what had happened, but it was enough to break the ice, and when they got back to their room after practice, they finally talked.
"I love you," Nick began. "I just wanted to say that before we even started, so that you knew that I still do. No matter – no matter what ever happens, I always will." Jeff sniffed hard, enough to keep the tears in his nose, knowing that it wasn't his turn to speak, not yet. "I don't want this to ruin us, what we have, the beautiful friendship we've kept up since we were seven years old, because the thousand years that's passed have been too wonderful to just throw away. I always want to be best friends, J, I always do." This was it, this was the version of the speech that Jeff had been dreading for weeks, but hearing it was better than putting it off any longer. "I can't be with you anymore. We can't – we can't be what we were, right now. Maybe we can in the future, and I feel like a jerk for putting that hope out there when I can't even think of a time when I would be okay with it, because maybe in the future, it will change. I still love you, I'm still in love with you, I just can't be with you right now." Nick looked up at Jeff, seeing the hurt in his eyes, and almost took it all back, but he knew it was what was best for both of them. Jeff nodded, casting his eyes downward. The silence pressed on a few more seconds before Jeff had collected himself enough to speak.
"I can't pretend and say that I was too drunk to know better, because I wasn't, and I knew what I was doing. But I also know that it was wrong, and that you have every right to be angry, and throw me out, because I don't deserve you. I never did deserve you, I don't know what I did to make you love me in the first place," Jeff choked out. Nick's already slightly crumpled heart shattered at hearing these words from Jeff's mouth. "It was wrong, and I hate myself for it, but I know that I can't live without you, because even not talking to you has been torture for me. I feel like my whole body is being ripped apart from the inside, and I can't go on anymore, not without you. I accept the offer of friendship from you like a bandage for my broken mind, but I can't ever be who I was without you. Without you near me, without you touching me, holding me, protecting me from the world out there, because it is cruel, and no one knows that more than me." Suddenly all Nick could see was Jeff lying in that hospital bed all those years ago, beaten and bruised, and he could feel his resolve crumbling, but he couldn't let it. He had to put himself first for once in his life, he had to do it for his own sake. "Though I don't deserve your love or even friendship, I will always hold on to what I can get, from now on, every day hoping that we can be us again, wishing I could take it back, but I can't, and I know I'll get through it, because you're here at my side." Tears were freely rolling down his face again. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, however I can fix this, because I love you, and I always, always will."
A/N: So, you all hate me now, but just remember when Darren Criss said he was an acorn. See, I can be funny.
See you all next time for Chapter Thirteen: Michael Week, Part One. In which Sebastian becomes a Whovian and Niff, of course, reach a resolution.
Love you guys xx
Leave me reviews, please? :D
Samantha.