The Struggle: Chapter 5

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A/N: Hope you guys like this! I think I have an idea who I want to pair Harry with, but I'm not quite sure. I'm really torn between Draco and Harry or Luna and Harry. Any ideas? Thanks! Review review review!

Snape traced each letter with his shaking finger. It was Lily's handwriting.

The letter was sealed in a crisp, white envelope. Snape ran his fingers over the sharp corners, trembling. When he flipped it over, it was sealed with one small piece of tape. He reached into his nightstand drawer and pulled out a letter opener, slowly gliding it under the tape until the top flap of the letter became undone.

"Lily," Snape murmured mindlessly. He took out the piece of paper from inside and held it carefully. It was folded into precisely into thirds. Always the perfectionist. Snape didn't want to open it. He set the empty envelope beside him carefully and began unfolding the letter.

He nearly choked when it was fully opened. A full page of Lily's handwriting in permanent black ink, not even slightly faded. Small, perfect handwriting, with 'g's that had large loops on the bottom and 't's crossed with a squiggle instead of a straight line. And, of course, every single 'I' on the paper was topped with a small heart.

Snape looked down at the date. It was dated in 1982, the same year Lily and James had been killed by Lord Voldemort. He tried not to let the memories flash back, but they painfully did. Through blurry eyes, Snape began reading the letter. At the first line, a tear danced down his face.

Dear Severus,

I know you are probably not expecting this letter, and I do hope it never needs to be delivered. The war is growing upon us, and I fear attack of James and myself. I have a growing suspicion that I will not see you again. I pray my suspicion is wrong.

I love you, Severus. I know we had our rough times the past two years, but I will always love you. I have always loved you. You were always there for me, even in the terrible times, and I do hope you can forgive me. I have forgiven you.

This letter is mainly concerning Harry. I wish to be able to tell you in person, but given the situation, a letter will only suffice. He is yours, Severus. I have placed an Appearance Charm on him until the summer before his fourth year to protect him, then he will change. This is also to protect you, Severus. I hope if and when this letter arrives, you no longer have any contact with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

He is a striking image of you, Severus. My eyes, though. Your hair and cheeks. I see you in him every day. It's painful. Please, take care of him. I know this is shocking to you and I do not know how your relationship has developed with him.

I have not charmed a letter to be sent to Harry. I fully trust you will pass along this information.

I miss you every day Severus. I miss you so much. Every day I see Harry and want to cry. I fear my time may be up soon, so please, care for my child. Our child. Your son. I love you, and I forever will. Always.

Love,
Lily.

Snape reread the letter ten times silently, running his finger over the ink. Tears rolled slowly down his face, staining the edge of the paper. He didn't want to believe the paper, thinking it was merely a sick joke from Potter. But her handwriting was undeniable. He had seen her write for over a decade, and knew each letter by heart.

Snape put the paper down and sunk his head into his hands, weeping silently. So many thoughts ran through his head and he couldn't focus on one at a time. Lily still loved him? She still thought about him after the fall-out? Harry was his child? Severus hiccuped and inhaled deeply, wanting to punch himself. He had made a terrible mistake to let Lily go, but thought it was right. Only now he was discovering that he was wrong.

Severus's put the letter on his nightstand carefully, making sure to fold it perfectly and slip it back into the envelope. He closed his eyes, still crying softly. Weak, Severus, so weak, a voice in the back of his mind taunted. He closed it out with another sob.

Out of every person in this world, I fell for Lily. And out of every child in this school, hers—ours- happened to be Potter, Severus thought silently. He closed his eyes tighter, reaching for his wand in his pocket.

"Nox," he muttered, and then rolled against his pillow, drifting away.

–

Harry awoke with a startle the next morning. He heard pots and pans from down the hall. Turning over, he grabbed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, trying to read the alarm clock.

10:00.

"Shit!" shouted Harry, jumping out of the bed and scrambling to the door. He dashed down the hall into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and splashing water on his face. He looked in the mirror and sighed. His hair was growing longer every day, flatter, and become more greasy at the roots. He ruffled it with his fingers and opened the door, rushing out and back into his bedroom.

In five minutes, he had changed into a pair of Dudley's old jeans, held up by a belt, and an old, mostly torn up shirt. Harry scampered out of the room and down the hall, turning abruptly into the kitchen, where Snape was standing over the stove.

He looked completely exhausted, like a part of him was missing. He had deep bags under his eyes, which were half closed. Harry wondered when the Professor himself had woken up.

"I'm sorry, sir, I forgot to set the alarm, really sorry," Harry muttered, leaning against the wall, panting slightly. Snape looked up and merely yawned.

"I figured you needed some sleep anyways, after last nights incident," Harry looked down at his feet nervously, cheeks turning bright pink. Snape made a sound of annoyance and pulled out his wand, flicking it twice at the oven. Suddenly, eggs were cracking over a pan, toast was popping out of the toaster, and the delicious scent of crackling bacon filled the air. Harry nearly drooled.

"Try to use damn Muggle appliances over the summer, but it's just too slow..." Snape murmured, and then looked back at Harry. "Sit."

Harry sat down at the small, wooden table. It was circular, with only three wooden chairs surrounding it in a semi-circle. In the center of the table was an empty picture frame, with only a piece of old parchment inside. Harry eyed it curiously, but then a plate of food was shoved in front of him.

"You will be eating four meals a day under my supervision in order to gain enough weight for a boy your age. One when you wake up, lunch, supper, and something before you go to bed. Now eat," Snape demanded, setting a fork and knife beside Harry, who did not hesitate to dive in, his stomach growling furiously.

The room remained quiet for several minutes, except for the occasional slurp of orange juice from Harry or clink of a fork against the plate. Snape cleaned up the pots and pans quickly, skipping straight over Muggle methods and using some advanced spells to quickly polish the kitchen utensils.

Harry finished the last of the food, setting his fork down and looking up. Snape was smirking at him.

"I believe you may have set a world record for speed eating there, Potter," Snape sneered at him, waving his hand toward the plate. It levitated up and towards the sink, joining the other plates in the process of being cleaned. Harry turned slightly pink and began getting up from his seat. Snape pointed at the chair.

"Sit. We have to discuss the circumstances under which you will be living under for the next several weeks. There will be rules and punishment. Sit," Snape warned in a slightly more harsh tone as Harry rolled his eyes. Always like his father, arrogant and- Snape stopped his thought short and inhaled quickly. His father. You.

He wrestled to maintain his composure as he sat across from Harry, folding his arms and eying the boy curiously. His hair was lacking as much volume as it had in previous years and was now jet black and straight. He also had more prominent cheek bones, Snape noticed. But deep green eyes. Always her eyes.

Snape cleared his throat. "Right, well, I do strongly hope you decide to behave yourself. What goes at Hogwarts goes here. I expect you to be up by eight, ready for breakfast at eight fifteen. In bed by ten, lights out at ten thirty. If I find you up, roaming, as I did so many times at Hogwarts," Snape hissed, lowering his eyes, "you will be subjected to punishment as I deem necessary."

Harry shrugged and nodded, sipping the half-empty glass of orange juice in front of him. Snape continued talking.

"Punishment is a rough area, of course. I think that cleaning cauldrons and extra Potions work will suffice. I do hope you stay out of trouble, though, to make it easier on the both of us," said Snape. He flicked his hand at the cup as soon as Harry was finished. It flew over to the sink and clinked with the other plates.

"One hour of Potions practice a day, I believe, will help raise your atrocious grades. You will review other courses for an hour a day as well. Two hours total, understand?" Harry nodded, trying to hold back the urge to shout at Snape. Potions was never, and would never, be his strongest suit.

"Any questions?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow. Harry thought for a second, and then his eyes lit up. He cleared his throat and stood up, meeting Snape's glare with his own. He was nearly as tall as the Professor. Snape noticed this as well.

"Why, Professor Snape, is your house decorated in such a Gryffindor manner?" Harry said nervously. He meant for it to come out with confidence, but his voice trembled slightly and dropped out on the last word.

"That, Mr. Potter, is none of your business at all," Snape snapped back instantly, a little fire burning under his eyes. Ouch, hit a hot spot, Harry thought silently, laughing to himself. He still did wonder about the decorations of the house. It was so...un-Slytherin like.

"I'll be going out to run some errands in Diagon Alley today. You can either stay here and adjust to your new...surroundings, or you may come with me. It's up to you," Snape said, tapping his fingers impatiently against his thigh. Harry thought for a second, then had an idea.

"I'll stay, Professor. I think I want to move in a little bit," Harry said in his most convincing innocent tone. Snape seemed to buy it, shrugging and walking out of the room. Harry followed him unconsciously.

"I'll only be gone a few hours. Do not, I repeat, do not, touch what isn't yours, go into my room, or go upstairs. I will know," Snape warned. Harry nodded blankly, not taking much of what Snape said into consideration. The man stepped into the fireplace, loudly said, "Diagon Alley," and vanished.

–

About an hour had passed since Snape left. Harry was gleefully sitting in his room, writing letters to his friends. Each one said almost the same thing, that he was staying elsewhere over the summer (he hadn't specified where), and that he could not wait to see them. With each one he attached a chocolate that had been locked up in his trunk most of the summer. They seemed to be in fine condition.

After attaching the letters to Hedwig's leg and lifting her out the window, Harry wandered out of the room and down the hall. The house was quiet and eerie, the only noise being an occasional tick of the clock. He quietly shuffled down the hall, looking curiously at the walls. There were several picture frames, all of them with a blank sheet of yellow-tinted parchment in them. Harry frowned. Why hang picture frames without pictures?

He continued down the hall, stopping at a closet. He opened it with a quick 'Alohomora' and peeked inside. Nothing but old, dusty coats and a couple umbrellas. Harry frowned. Umbrellas were objects of Muggle creation, why did Snape need one when you could easily cast a charm to cover yourself?

He further dug into the closet. There was nothing more of much interest, a few scarves, some more dusty, empty photo frames, and several spare quills. Harry reached the back of the closet and frowned. Folded into a perfect, neat square was a dark gray cardigan. The collar had gold and red stripes around it. Harry picked it up and neatly unfolded it.

It was very old, with fraying around the bottom and the buttons nearly falling off. The jacket was far too small to fit Harry, who wondered why Snape had a Gryffindor cardigan and why he wore won. Harry touched one of the buttons and inhaled quickly. The buttons were up the left side.

Harry quickly refolded the cardigan and buried it under some old scarves, stepping out of the closet. Why the hell did Snape have a woman's Gryffindor cardigan? Harry shuddered at the thought of any woman leaving such a thing at Snape's house. He shuddered again at the thought of any woman being romantically involved with Snape, even during his teen years.

His mind froze as he remembered the photo frame on Snape's night stand, the only frame with an actual picture in it. Was there a woman in that photo? Harry was suddenly very curious about who the Professor had been romantically involved with. He ventured towards Snape's room quickly, gripping the door handle without thinking.

A burning sensation spread across his palm and engulfed his hand. Harry yelped, pulling his hand away and staring at the door knob. It was suddenly red and steaming, radiating heat. Harry looked down at his hand. He managed to pull away in time to prevent burns, but it was red hot and throbbing.

"Dammit," Harry murmured, closing his eyes and trying to think straight. He pulled out his wand and muttered "Alohomora," at the door knob with no avail. Snape put a heavy charm on the door making it unable for Harry to open without singeing his hand. If only Hermione was here, she probably knows countless charms to remove it, Harry thought sadly.

Why do you care so much about Snape's life anyways? Its not yours, what does it matter? Harry frowned, acknowledging the voice in his head. It was telling the truth. Why did he suddenly care so much? It was like an itch in the back of his throat, stinging, telling him he had to find out. Harry didn't know why, but the urge was overwhelming.

Harry suddenly thought of something. He pointed his wand directly at the door knob and loudly announced, "Aguamenti!" A burst of cold water rushed from the tip of his wand, soaking the door knob, the floor, and the door. Wasting no time, Harry reached down and twisted the door knob open. It was warm, but no longer singed his hand. After the door creaked open, he pulled his wand away, stopping the spell.

Harry turned and looked at the mess behind him. The floor was soggy and the door was drenched with cold water. Everything within two feet had been sprayed by the back-splash of water against the door, including Harry.

"Er, Evanesco!" Harry stuttered, waving his wand at the water. It surprisingly dried away, leaving Snape's possessions all carefully in tact. Harry stared around the hall, checking to make sure everything was dry and no evidence was left behind. It seemed to be fine, so he ventured into Snape's room.

The room, like the rest of the house, was decorated with Gryffindor red and gold. It was warm and smelt oddly like flowers. He saw a crystal vase on the window seal with four or five blooming white flowers. The center had the slightest bit of yellow in it, but the petals, all six of them, were paper white. Harry snorted. Snape keeps flowers in his room? He struggled to identify what type of flower they were, but barely remembered the brief lesson on flowers in Herbology.

He lurked around the room, checking the door every few seconds. The room was very nice and warm, much unlike what he expected. The bed was made perfectly and everything was organized, nothing out of place. From across the room, Harry was observing a book shelf, when his eyes flickered away. He remembered what he was here for. Turning quickly, he strode over to Snape's bed and picked up the photo frame from behind, not yet looking at the picture.

He braced himself for the worst and turned the picture around. At first, all he saw was a younger man, possibly in his early twenties, with greasy black hair. He was tall and lanky, awkwardly smiling at whomever was taking the photo. He was standing beside the Big Ben, wearing worn-down Muggle clothes. Harry identified the man as a younger Snape. He frowned. That's it? Snape keeps a picture of himself on his nightstand? Harry put the photo down roughly and looked away, intending to leave, when it caught the corner of his eye.

A woman, young as the man in the photo, suddenly walked in and wrapped her arms around the man's slender waist. Harry turned around and grasped the frame, his eyes going wide. The woman was petite, much shorter than the young Snape, wearing...wearing the same Gryffindor cardigan he had spotted earlier in the closet. Harry watched the photograph avidly.

The woman stood on her tip toes, long, wavy hair flowing behind her, and kissed Snape on the cheek. Harry inhaled and made a face of disgust at the photo. What kind of desperate woman would kiss Snape? He watched as the younger Snape blushed, and then leaned down to kiss the woman, all while laughing and holding each other tightly. The woman turned a light pink, her reddish curls still bouncing behind her.

She looks so familiar. Long, red, wavy hair. Freckles. Small, petite. Deep green eyes. Harry stared at the eyes of the woman, reminding him much of his own eyes. She looked directly at the camera, winked, and leaned her head against Snape's shoulder, who kissed her hair. They seemed genuinely in love.

Everything suddenly clicked.

Harry dropped the frame on the nightstand harshly, scrambling away from it, his wand pulled out as though it would attack him. His hand was shaking harshly and his breathing was laboured. Wavy red hair. Freckles. Thin. Short. Green eyes. The same green eyes he saw when he looked in the mirror. The same green eyes he was reminded of daily.

You have your mother's eyes.

Harry stumbled backwards, gasping for air, his wand still pointed out. No, no, something is wrong, it's obviously a mistake, another woman who just looks like her. Harry took another step back when two firm hands grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around.

"Going somewhere, Potter?"

A/N: Review, review, review, my darlings! More to come soon! Oh, and yes, I am aware Harry used magic outside of Hogwarts, but this is AU, and given the circumstances, I think he would be permitted, after what he endured :) So PLEASE review and tell me what you think!