Part 10

Still no beta though hehehehe

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"I missed him, Cast. I missed him so much!" he sounded like 10 years boy.

"I know that Sam, and you'll gonna see him again. I promise that, Sam,"

"You promise?" he sounded not sure.

"Yes, Sam, I promise," I ensured him.

"Would you accompany me?"

"If you asked me," I smiled

He smiled and sighed. His cry has stopped.

"Thank you, Cas."

I just nodded.

"Now go back to sleep, I'll be here," I guided him back to sleep. And he tried to get back to sleep.

I watched him in heart breaking, 'God, Sam, don't you know, how hurt this heart to see you this suffer, missing your brother. But it doesn't worst than to see you can you love me like you love Dean?' Can I be your Dean?

Part 10 – Can I Be Your Dean?

Growing as a man, a gentle man. We are 17 now, time for looking a fine girl. We have learnt about love and we knew who we loved. And Michael had found one. A very nice girl. Her name was Gillian. She was beautiful and Sam would teas him, when he was going out with her. Well, you know I wouldn't fine a girl as my heart always with Sam. And to see Sam so close to Michael almost made me jealous, but if he found a girl, that sucked me! Dean had enough for me. But I know Sam needs a girl. Girl who can loved him like a mother. He needed that. He needed a women touch. Mrs. Wesson wouldn't baby sit him forever, so Sam need someone who can act like a mother, and that would be a girl, not a boy. I wouldn't take him as a sinner like I am. But I couldn't deny, the fear that he would find a girl, someone he loves beside Dean, was tortured me! I didn't know what would happened if that happened. Obviously, that would break me. I want to be loved by him. But like what Sam ever said, never dream for what you could never had. 'So wake up, Cas, he would never love you! Don't ask too much. He had trust you and become his best friend, that enough! Don't to take advantage of the fact that his hurting and fragile, So he'll cling to the first person that shows love Please…don't ask more, Cas!

It was one night, Sam went to bed early. And Sam was lying on his stomach in bed face buried in the pillow. He made no noise, but from the violent ramblings of his body, I knew he was crying. And of course Sam would have learnt how to cry silently. Long years of his father beatings would ensure that.

"Sam," I whispered, but no reply. I gently touched his shoulder

Sam leapt a mile in fear, "No, please… don't hit me."

"Take an easy, Sam, it's me, Castiel. Sorry if you didn't hear me. What's a matter, Sam?"

Sam sighed in relieved, and try to calm.

"Nothing. Just a bad dream."

I smiled bitterly. They haven't let him go.

"Want to tell?"

But he shook his head, and I wouldn't push him.

"You can tell me if you want, Sam."

And he just nodded. "Go sleep, Cas, I'm fine."

I just smiled. "You go back; I'll wait you till you sleep."

He smiled slightly, and tried back to sleep.

As I watched him sleep peacefully, I tried myself to sleep.

Again, it wasn't a long sleep when I heard he called me.

"Cas?"

"Yes, Sam?" I opened up my eyes and saw he was standing beside my bed.

"May I sleep with you?"

It stunned me a while. This is the first time he asked me to sleep in my bed, while I always slept in his bed for comforting him.

"I can't sleep, Castiel. I'm scared 'he' would come again."

It clicked me right away. "Sure," I make a space for him, and he carefully plopped down on the bed next to me.

I pulled up the blanket for him.

"Want me to hug you?" I offered him.

He nodded shyly.

My heart leapt and wrapped him in my arms, just like night before, to protect him from the nightmares till he fell to peaceful sleep. It felt good to have him in my arms, never been well like this. Felt like I'm his Dean. And every time he was on my arms, all I wanted to say:

"Let me be your Dean, Sam."

"You have been my Dean, Castiel," a whisper shocked me. My heart leapt and beat so fast. I looked at him, but he was still a sleep, eyes closed. 'Was it him? Did he say that?' But he was no sign of waking up. No, it wouldn't be him. 'Don't dreaming, Castiel!'

I sighed in disappointed. No he wouldn't say that.

I took a deep breath and wrapped him even tight. Just want to warm him.

"I promised, no nightmare, Sam," and fell to sleep with him.

I woke up in the morning with a nose tickling me. It was him. Just in front of me, sleep like an angel. And he smiled. He never smiled at his sleep before. Does it mean he got a sweet dream last night? Well that's great if it does.

I smiled myself. I loved to see he smiled. I just want him happy. Just like Dean wants too. 'Damn! I sound like Dean, Dean, Dean and Dean…! God, I wanted to be his Dean! I kissed his forehead (why I always do that?)

Slightly those little eyes were open.

"Morning, Castiel?"

"Morning, Sam. Had a good sleep last night?" I smiled

"Yeah, never been good before," he smiled shyly.

"Glad to hear that."

"Thanks to you."

"I just hug you, Sam."

"Like Dean did."

I sighed. God, would someone stop mentioning Dean!?

"Sam…"

"You are my Dean, Castiel."

I froze. Definitely I froze.

"Sam…?"

But he hugged me tight

"Please, be my Dean, Cas, don't leave me like he did. I need you. I want to be with you. I…love you, Castiel," that words just slipped out.

Now I'm stunned. I let him go,

"What?"

He looked me in nervous.

"Don't you love me too? I read your journal!"

'What!?' Shit! Wait, no time to get mad!

"Don't you want to be my Dean?"

"Yeah, but Sam…?"

"So let it be, Cas. I need you. I want to be with you. I love you, just like you love me"

"No, Sam. God, I'm sorry! I put you on like this. You didn't love me Sam," damned after waiting for him to say the same, now I rejected him? Clever, Castiel. But it wasn't like what I expected. So what did you expected?

His face fell. Tears sprang out.

'Oh, God' He cried now, the last thing I want to see on him.

"Sam…don't get me wrong, At the moment, well you're desperate for love and affection! And you should have a girl, not a boy, you deserve to have a beautiful girl."

"No girls would love me, Cas. You saw my scars, scars everywhere, it would scare them. And I don't need them. I don't love them. I just need you. I love you, Castiel. It just did, like I love Dean."

'yeah, just like I wanted'. But does it so easy like this?

"Please, Sam, don't pretend just to make me feel better," I almost desperate.

"I'm not. I thought you. You are the only who can make me comfort. I feel so safe with you, Cas. You wrapped me, you hold me when I was in bad dreams, soothing me. You make me so safe, Cast. I love you and I want you with me. Please.. don't leave me… don't leave me like he did. I hate being left," now he cried.

I bit my lips. He's crying now, just because of me! Damned you Castiel!

"Sam, please don't cry…," I touched his face and wiped his tears, "It doesn't mean I don't love you. Yes I do love you, but I want you to be certain of your feelings."

Sam smiled sadly. "Yes. I've never felt like this."

"But what about Michael? He did like I did too, like Dean did!"

"But I don't love him. And he has Gillian now! Love comes in mystery ways. I never felt something on him like I felt with you. I … just love you, Cas."

I sighed to calming my self.

"I need you, Castiel."

"And I need you too, Sam," as I pulled him close, kissed Sam's damp forehead and began to kiss his face, tasting the salty tears. Wanting to kiss every bit of the pain away. Then shyly. hesitantly I found Sam's soft mouth.

The first kiss was innocent and gentle. Sam relaxed in my arms. no trembling or shaking and just as shyly kissed me back. I was sure it was love, and the chemistry between us was undeniable. And I hugged him tight.

"Thank you, Sam, thank you very much."

"I should thank you, Cas. You are there for me."

"That the only thing I want to do for you, Sam."

"Thank you," and the hug even tighter.

God, I hope this wasn't a dream. I love him and he loved me too. That's all the matter. Please don't blame me. You let us to feel this love, so don't judge us. I need love and he needs love. Lord, please don't hate us. I just want to be his Dean. Being loved like Dean. Please….

TBC

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